diff --git a/assets/fortune/fortunes b/assets/fortune/fortunes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f5bb2b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/assets/fortune/fortunes @@ -0,0 +1,916 @@ +A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? +% +A few hours grace before the madness begins again. +% +A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. +% +A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. + +Buy the negatives at any price. +% +A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. +% +A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. +% +A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. +% +A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. +% +Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. +% +Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. +% +Advancement in position. +% +After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! +% +Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. +% +Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. +% +All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. +% +Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. +% +An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. +% +An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. +% +Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. +% +Are you a turtle? +% +Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology? +% +Are you making all this up as you go along? +% +Are you sure the back door is locked? +% +Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. +% +Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. +% +Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. +% +Avoid reality at all costs. +% +Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. +% +Be careful! Is it classified? +% +Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! +% +Be cautious in your daily affairs. +% +Be cheerful while you are alive. + -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. +% +Be different: conform. +% +Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so +get used to it. +% +Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake. +% +Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. +% +Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. +% +Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your +life in such a mess. +% +Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. +% +Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. +% +Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. +% +Beware of Bigfoot! +% +Beware of low-flying butterflies. +% +Beware the one behind you. +% +Blow it out your ear. +% +Break into jail and claim police brutality. +% +Bridge ahead. Pay troll. +% +Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. +% +Caution: Keep out of reach of children. +% +Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. +% +Change your thoughts and you change your world. +% +Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. +% +Chess tonight. +% +Chicken Little only has to be right once. +% +Chicken Little was right. +% +Cold hands, no gloves. +% +Communicate! It can't make things any worse. +% +Courage is your greatest present need. +% +Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. +% +Do not overtax your powers. +% +Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. +% +Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. +% +Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. +% +Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. +% +Domestic happiness and faithful friends. +% +Don't feed the bats tonight. +% +Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. +% +Don't get to bragging. +% +Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. +% +Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. +% +Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. +% +Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. +% +Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. +% +Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. +% +Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. +% +Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway. +% +Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. +% +Don't read everything you believe. +% +Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. +% +Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. +% +Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. +% +Don't Worry, Be Happy. + -- Meher Baba +% +Don't worry. Life's too long. + -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. +% +Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? +% +Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? +% +Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. +% +Everything will be just tickety-boo today. +% +Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. +% +Excellent day to have a rotten day. +% +Excellent time to become a missing person. +% +Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. +% +Exercise caution in your daily affairs. +% +Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. +% +Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. +% +Fine day for friends. +So-so day for you. +% +Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. +% +Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai +sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. + +Oh, and have a nice day! + -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 +% +Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. +% +Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. +% +Give him an evasive answer. +% +Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to +a new town. +% +Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough. +% +Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you. +% +Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. +% +Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. +% +Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses. +% +Good day to let down old friends who need help. +% +Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. +% +Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. +% +Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's +new lover. +% +Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. +% +Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. +% +If you can read this, you're too close. +% +If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn +365 useless things. +% +If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. +% +If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. +% +If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow! +% +If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. +% +In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. +% +Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged. +% +Is that really YOU that is reading this? +% +Is this really happening? +% +It is so very hard to be an +on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you +grown-up. +% +It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. +% +It was all so different before everything changed. +% +It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. + -- Churchy La Femme +% +It's all in the mind, ya know. +% +It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction. +% +Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is +not worth sending. +% +Just to have it is enough. +% +Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. +% +Keep it short for pithy sake. +% +Lady Luck brings added income today. Lady friend takes it away tonight. +% +Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. +% +Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. +% +Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. +% +"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." + -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" +% +Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. +% +Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. +% +Long life is in store for you. +% +Look afar and see the end from the beginning. +% +Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. +% +Make a wish, it might come true. +% +Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. +% +Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. +% +Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. +% +Never give an inch! +% +Never look up when dragons fly overhead. +% +Never reveal your best argument. +% +Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't +have a lucky day this year. +% +Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. +% +People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house. +% +Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. +% +Questionable day. + +Ask somebody something. +% +Reply hazy, ask again later. +% +Save energy: be apathetic. +% +Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. +% +Slow day. Practice crawling. +% +Snow Day -- stay home. +% +So this is it. We're going to die. +% +So you're back... about time... +% +Someone is speaking well of you. +% +Someone is speaking well of you. + +How unusual! +% +Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. +% +Stay away from flying saucers today. +% +Stay away from hurricanes for a while. +% +Stay the curse. +% +That secret you've been guarding, isn't. +% +The time is right to make new friends. +% +The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. + -- George Gobel +% +There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. +% +There is a fly on your nose. +% +There was a phone call for you. +% +There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. +% +Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. +% +Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". +% +This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself. +% +This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. +% +Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. +% +Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. +% +Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. +% +Today is the first day of the rest of your life. +% +Today is the last day of your life so far. +% +Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. +% +Today is what happened to yesterday. +% +Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. + -- Hunter S. Thompson +% +Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest. +% +Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, +it can still be changed today. +% +Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. +% +Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip. +% +Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. +% +Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live +in eucalyptus trees. +% +Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) +% +Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. +% +Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. +% +Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. +% +Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. + -- Ashleigh Brilliant +% +Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. +% +Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. +% +Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. +% +What happened last night can happen again. +% +While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and +are making another attack. +% +Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. +% +You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. +% +You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. +% +You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. +% +You are always busy. +% +You are as I am with You. +% +You are capable of planning your future. +% +You are confused; but this is your normal state. +% +You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. +% +You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the +department of transportation. +% +You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. +% +You are fairminded, just and loving. +% +You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. +% +You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. +% +You are going to have a new love affair. +% +You are magnetic in your bearing. +% +You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports. +% +You are number 6! Who is number one? +% +You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. +% +You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you +have few friends. +% +You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person. +% +You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. +% +You are standing on my toes. +% +You are taking yourself far too seriously. +% +You are the only person to ever get this message. +% +You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading +this sort of trash. +% +You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity. +% +You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive. +% +You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt +is concerned. +% +You can rent this space for only $5 a week. +% +You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body. +% +You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. +% +You dialed 5483. +% +You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. +% +You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. +% +You enjoy the company of other people. +% +You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to. +% +You fill a much-needed gap. +% +You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. +% +You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to +leave it behind. +% +You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. +% +You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. +% +You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. +A pity that it's totally undeserved. +% +You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. +% +You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. +% +You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first. +% +You have a truly strong individuality. +% +You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact. +% +You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. +% +You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. +% +You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly. +% +You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to +metal objects which are not fastened down. +% +You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships. +% +You have been selected for a secret mission. +% +You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. +% +You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. +% +You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. +% +You have many friends and very few living enemies. +% +You have no real enemies. +% +You have taken yourself too seriously. +% +You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled. +% +You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. +% +You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. +% +You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE +"SOMEONE ELSE." +% +You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. +% +You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. +% +You look tired. +% +You love peace. +% +You love your home and want it to be beautiful. +% +You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today. +% +You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely +larger than others. +% +You may be recognized soon. Hide. +% +You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! +% +You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will +be sold. +% +You need more time; and you probably always will. +% +You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead. +% +You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. +% +You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach. +% +You now have Asian Flu. +% +You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. +% +You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution. +% +You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. +% +You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own. +% +You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. +% +You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider. +% +You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. +% +You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially +if they are dead. +% +You should go home. +% +You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. +% +You teach best what you most need to learn. +% +You too can wear a nose mitten. +% +You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years. +% +You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. +% +You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. +% +You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. +% +You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. +% +You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part. +% +You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant. +% +You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of +a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. +% +You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. +% +You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. +% +You will be awarded some great honor. +% +You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. +% +You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. +% +You will be divorced within a year. +% +You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. +% +You will be held hostage by a radical group. +% +You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause. +% +You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery. +% +You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. +% +You will be married within a year. +% +You will be misunderstood by everyone. +% +You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. +% +You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. +% +You will be run over by a beer truck. +% +You will be run over by a bus. +% +You will be singled out for promotion in your work. +% +You will be successful in love. +% +You will be surprised by a loud noise. +% +You will be surrounded by luxury. +% +You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. +% +You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. +% +You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. +% +You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. +% +You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. +% +You will become rich and famous unless you don't. +% +You will contract a rare disease. +% +You will engage in a profitable business activity. +% +You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. +% +You will feel hungry again in another hour. +% +You will forget that you ever knew me. +% +You will gain money by a fattening action. +% +You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. +% +You will gain money by an illegal action. +% +You will gain money by an immoral action. +% +You will get what you deserve. +% +You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. +% +You will have a long and boring life. +% +You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. +% +You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. +% +You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. +% +You will have long and healthy life. +% +You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. +% +You will inherit millions of dollars. +% +You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. +% +You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. +% +You will live to see your grandchildren. +% +You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise +salesman. +% +You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. +% +You will never know hunger. +% +You will not be elected to public office this year. +% +You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. +% +You will outgrow your usefulness. +% +You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. +% +You will pass away very quickly. +% +You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard +this message. +% +You will pioneer the first Martian colony. +% +You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. +% +You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. +% +You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. +% +You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. +% +You will soon forget this. +% +You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. +% +You will step on the night soil of many countries. +% +You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your +brakes are defective. +% +You will triumph over your enemy. +% +You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. +% +You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. +% +You will wish you hadn't. +% +You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. +% +You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. +% +You would if you could but you can't so you won't. +% +You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. +% +You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people. +% +You'll be sorry... +% +You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's +heel. +% +You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. +% +You'll never be the man your mother was! +% +You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, +they're not all recommended. +% +You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier +to do. +% +You're a card which will have to be dealt with. +% +You're almost as happy as you think you are. +% +You're at the end of the road again. +% +You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. +% +You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." +% +You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is. +% +You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that +you're growing into. +% +You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! +% +You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. +% +You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human. +% +You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. +% +Your aim is high and to the right. +% +Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. +% +Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a +thing he tells you. +% +Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't +really worth having. +% +Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. +% +Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. +% +Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. +% +Your business will assume vast proportions. +% +Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. +% +Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. +% +Your domestic life may be harmonious. +% +Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). +% +Your goose is cooked. +(Your current chick is burned up too!) +% +Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. +% +Your ignorance cramps my conversation. +% +Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. +% +Your love life will be happy and harmonious. +% +Your love life will be... interesting. +% +Your lover will never wish to leave you. +% +Your lucky color has faded. +% +Your lucky number has been disconnected. +% +Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. +% +Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon. +% +Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments. +% +Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be +misinterpreted by somebody. +% +Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. +% +Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life. +% +Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. +% +Your present plans will be successful. +% +Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong. +% +Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. +% +Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. +% +Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. +% +Your step will soil many countries. +% +Your supervisor is thinking about you. +% +Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. +% +Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner. +% +Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. +%