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etherware-novice 2024-09-30 20:51:26 -05:00
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personal/journal.html
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@ -17,6 +17,28 @@ permalink: /journal
<h2>basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page</h2>
<article>
<h2>2024-09-30</h2>
<p>Wow, a whole month before I tore down the<br>
journal page again!! cool, huh??<br>
now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"<br>
i left the last article so i have something<br>
to reference to copy this properly<br>
these journals keep getting either<br>
too negative or fall into disuse because<br>
my life is incredibly boring besides like<br>
talking about what i did online which would<br>
make me sound like a really sad person and stuff<br>
also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again<br>
i really wish i could either be normal and not<br>
obsess over real disorders people actually deal with<br>
(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel<br>
justified in being so interested and like be able to<br>
interact with the community better and stuff and also in general<br>
not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again<br>
would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-09-26</h2>
<p>hey, im back its been a while<br>
@ -24,234 +46,4 @@ permalink: /journal
idk how im feeling really</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-09-17</h2>
<p>well, i pretty quickly hit a roadblock with refactoring<br>
so, the thing is that my current setup is terrible for refactoring<br>
basically theres no way for the neocities page to track when i<br>
delete stuff on the github, so id have to manually delete a ton<br>
off the neocities and let it regenerate each time...<br>
there is an alternative of using force: true, which<br>
deletes every file that isnt on the repo, but then<br>
all my old comics would be nuked since jan-aug isnt<br>
on the repository BUT i need to get the old page names<br>
and the only place i put them before august was on the<br>
USENET forum but i cant find a good archive of the ng<br>
besides google groups which stops at febuary bc thats<br>
when google killed the integration for it, so basically<br>
i need to find a good rec.arts.comics.creative archive<br>
to actually refactor stuff and id need to actually port<br>
everything over too so itll take quite a while<br>
</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-09-13</h2>
<p>i got a sudden surge of motivation so im gonna try to<br>
refactor the site to make it less painful to work with!!<br>
wish me luck</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-09-11</h2>
<p>well i got melon to remove the character limit thing<br>
i really hope they dont hate me</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-09-08</h2>
<p>ok i calmed down from the third finally<br>
im still not talking on the forum until i<br>
talk with my therapist tho<br>
also the site redesign is thanks to roly</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-09-03</h2>
<img src="/personal/hate.png"><br>
<p>god damnit god damnit god damnit god damnit<br>
im literally being punished in the forums code<br>
there it is proof that im i cant i dont i cant<br>
i tried to change but im still a terrible person<br>
the friirsefnsieoasd,cz,,,cmvmxc,<br>
why do i keep trying this always happens i keep ruining<br>
everyhthingfd becvause i cant just act normal freaking godamnit</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-30</h2>
<p>i'm not sure what im doing at this point<br>
the like jealousy panics keep happening and stuff<br>
im kinda worried that like im being ignored on the<br>
forum like i made a post about my anxieties about like<br>
my website and nobody responded in like 12 hours and im<br>
scared and stuff and like i always feel bad posting anything<br>
negative in forums or like public areas and stuff because i<br>
i feel like if i feel negative again im just "doing it purposely"<br>
and like i the only ppl im super comftorable venting to repeatedly<br>
are like hiyena and turtle ive known them forever and stuff<br>
anxiety sucks so bad</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-28</h2>
<p>ok college is starting to speed up again<br>
yey..<br>
<br>
UPDATE WOOO IM STARTING TO MAKE IRL FRIENDS KINDA<br>
the board game club ended up going way longer than expected<br>
it was a really complex one ive never heard of before called<br>
"betrayed in a cabin on a hill" it was SO good<br>
im pretty pumped yey :D</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-27</h2>
<p>the comic is finally starting to become sane again<br>
in my personal life, college hasnt sped up yet so thats good<br>
still scared of it<br>
also i drew more slimes</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-22</h2>
<p>aaaa why are people looking at the journal :(<br>
nah jk it does feel weird having actual readers now hi<br>
college has been ok so far nothing super difficult Y E T<br>
i started a rotumblr blog too so like thats fun<br>
not much else to talk about
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-19</h2>
<p>first day of college?<br>
it wasnt /so/ bad i guess..<br>
the compsci class seems pretty dang easy<br>
from the syllabus, so i cant wait to knock it out<br>
tho of course that advantage wont last long..<br>
the other class today the professor didnt show up so..<br>
yea?<br>
<br>
using the computer has gotten a lot more annoying lately<br>
since my brother insists on constantly hanging out in the room<br>
and messing with me and it drives me crazy and i just want him<br>
to leave and thank god hes in the other room rn so i can write<br>
this without looking over my shoulder every 5 words
</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-18</h2>
<p>ok the comic is seriously going insane now<br>
idk where its even going i need some help im going<br>
to ask turtlehat for help again :P<br>
also last day of summer which sucks<br>
probaly cant work on the site as much<br>
starting tomorrow</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-16</h2>
<p>sorry most of the stuff here has been vent<br>
most of my life is like online and stuff and<br>
i dont really have m/any irl friends and stuff<br>
and well with college starting next week i probably<br>
will either post here a lot more or not at all<br>
feeling really aimless again yey</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-15</h2>
<p>its only the 15th by technicality, im writing this<br>
an hour before midnight..<br>
weird bug furry obsesion struck again i probably shouldnt<br>
be on tumblr i ended up reading an ao3 fanfic about bugs<br>
and now i am very fricked up and wana kiss a bug and aguh<br>
reading hitchhikers to calm down but idk if im doing a comic<br>
tomorrow will see if im still fricked up and furry when i wake up<br>
see ya then mabye</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-14</h2>
<p>i think almost all of my problems are from just<br>
not being able to let go and make something without<br>
worrying about it being "good" or not..<br>
my webcomic is terrible from an objective standpoint<br>
i keep just doing stupid jokes and theres no development<br>
ever and i keep forgetting stuff that made it more unique<br>
bc i keep falling into the same formula of "make one off joke"<br>
and all my drawings are the same i cant innovate anything<br>
everything ive made was just a random thought that i threw<br>
out and most of those get shut down because im "scared" of<br>
it the only reason i even started the comic in the first<br>
place was i pressured myself to from the USENET group and<br>
kept going and now im stuck in a stupid loop again of making<br>
the same stuff over and over and god i wish i could just like<br>
commit to a storyline that was more than 2 pages long or more<br>
unique character designs that arent just stolen from games im<br>
obsessed with or "inspired" recolors of another persons char<br>
and like i cant see the stupidest stuff like "a bug society"<br>
without losing my fking mind and i am definitely a bug/slime<br>
furry at this point and i hate it and i wish i was normal about<br>
these things why cant i just SEE SOMEONE ELSES WEBCOMIC ABOUT BUGS<br>
without like losing my mind or a game cough bug fables i hate it<br>
frickin aaaaghhh</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-13</h2>
<p>i finally got a new computer desk!!<br>
i can finally finally put a keyboard in<br>
instead of using the laptop keyboard<br>
it mmight be a bit harder to draw while i get<br>
used to drawing at a different angle tho :P</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2023-08-12</h2>
<p>sleeping is the best way to feel better<br>
also i got a good score on a math placement (retake) test so yey :)</p>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-11</h2>
<p>feeling very aimless again<br>
like just going through the motions again<br>
and again<br>
college will be hell but it hasnt started yet so who knows<br>
wish i could just be content<br>
<br><br>
16:00 update GOD DAMNIT<br>
can i EVER exist in a public space without<br>
being anti social or making everything worse for myself?!<br>
<br>
i really really dont unerstand the forum posting rules<br>
and i keep ruining everything he probably hates me now<br>
god i keep fricking everything up and the forum is going to<br>
shut down in like 2 hours which is even worse because now<br>
i cant even like "prove myself" at all and have to worry about
it the entire day tomorrow why do i make things so much worse<br>
for everyone around me why do i keep trying to do this<br>
</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-10</h2>
<p>tried to work on the site more but anxiety hit again<br>
guess ill just throw something into the jounral and be done with it</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-06</h2>
<p>being forced to go out to an overnight<br>
camp sucks, but ill see yall later hopefully<br>
drew the comic in advance so there shouldnt be a drop</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-08-03</h2>
<p>what is this, my 4th attempt at a blog?<br>
here we go again</p>
</article>
<h2>[EXPUNGED]</h2>

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---
title: the skys of blue
date: 2024-09-30 20:35:07 -5000
---
the skies above the town
glow forever blue
the trees take
it all from view
all we are left with
are scraps and foo
to make it all
the sacrifice
idk what im doing anymore

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---
title: little bunny woods
date: 2024-09-30 20:39:28 -5000
---
The woods was a peaceful place, with bunnies hopping to and fro wherever you gazed. One pitiful creature, the wolf, couldn't stand seeing everyone else happy. They needed to satiate their loneliness, and trotted into the woods. All the other bunnies eyed them wearily, but slowly integrated the wolf into their group. Now, the wolf never meant any harm, they had truly just wanted a friend, but the nature of a wolf is to ruin everything. After being forced out with their tail between their legs, the wolf left to search for another group to maybe not ruin this time..