2024-12-19
+(18:15)
+ been in a bit of a social slump lately
+ barely checked discord/tumbr or the melonland forum
+ at least moosky and turtle are nice to talk to
+ and i really hope the server guys will want to talk again
+ also i set up my raspberry pis again and they are cool servers :D
+ (18:22)
+ oh yea i guess i didnt mention it before
+ parents are back but they have to go out again on christmas/channukah
+ tho this time theyll be back before channukahs over..
+ ig they have a lot of stuff to bring from my grandmas house
+ (19:21)
+ man screw this im not in the right headspace to make another comic
+ i dont even care if i skipped twice im drowning
+ (20:36)
+ god d a m n it why do i care so much about a stupid tubr event
+ im thrwoing shit at the wall and i feel terrible about it
+ (21:31)
+ okok ive calmed down a bit
+ im not terrible im not terrible im not terrible
+ as long as im not inflicting other people with it
+ its fine im fine
+ thats why i keep this blog i guess now just to dump all
+ my terrible thoughts instead f inflicting it on other people
+ (21:34)
+ ok so the whole problem stems from wanting to be involved
+ with the collaborative stuff my friends are doing
+ (yes bench is my friend again they forgave me and refriended)
+ and also feeling like im unable to do that because of all the
+ failures in the past so i try to reach out for help to do that
+ in a frantic stupid terrible ourobouros that just hurts people
+ but so as long as i just ignore that feeling long enough i can
+ maybe do something cool with them
+ its almost paradoxical, huh.. to do the stuff i want to i have
+ to give up on doing the things now and stop letting it weigh on
+ my mind.. yk what at least i handled it better this time i didnt
+ try to reach out im STILL WAITING FOR JANUARY because i really
+ want to show that ive changed and this time yk this time i just
+ calmed down offline mostly and screamed into the void (blog)
+ so hopefully this doesnt mean that im making no progress hopefully
+ i DONT WANT TO HURT THEM AGAIN NOT AGAIN THATS NOT WHAT A FRIEND DOES
+ frik im going to go play some balatro to get my mind off this
+ (22:05)
+ well i won the balatro game
+ feeling a bit better
+ tho again i really hope the server accepts me again
+ (22:14)
+ maybe i cant always have a ton of interaction every day
+ "sometimes you need the bad moments to make the good ones better"
+ (23:00)
+ ok im deleting a bunch from the 20:36 entry and going to bed
+