RSS
(12:45)
BIRTHDAY!!!
parents called in the middle of me drawing and
"gave" me my gifts (they left it in the office)
i got a raspi5 and a cool portable monitor :DD
(14:11)
ok so my sister also invited me to go out to a game with them :D
great day!!
(23:00)
we're doing dinner tomorrow instead
also our team won so yey
(12:06)
wow, two full days without drawing or being negative on here?
what am i becoming /j
oh i forgot to talk about it earlier but
i joined another webring, a goofy one my friend is running
called the "silly ring" (you can see the badge on the homepage)
obviously once i reorganize the site i'll put it somewhere else..
then again most of the other ones are hardcoded to /comic..
well thats a problem for future me :)
(14:21)
just found out my balatro save was wiped :(
(14:53)
this is a pretty weird year for my bday because
in almost every other year its overlapped with channukah
also parents not being there and not my sister either
soo yeah hope it goes well
(15:01)
ok yk what im going to put the site redesign on hold "officially"
until i get these drawings done
(16:50)
got my secret santa drawing done after 3 weeks of procastination
(20:35)
i kinda hope the redux server thinks to maybe reach out for my
birthday it would be nice but im not getting my hopes up..
(21:46)
well due to massive indecision between me and my brother
we are just now ordering wings yes at almost 10 at night
at least i get my lemon pepper wings :D
(22:59)
stuffed right before i havto go to bed
its gonna be hard to sleep again
(23:05)
screw it im just gonna play my 3ds until it hits midnight
like last years birthday
(00:01)
YIPEE BDAY TIME!!
(12:51)
new entry to my favorite arg just dropped
todays a good day :)
(13:34)
just realized i didnt do any new drawings yesterday oops..
(14:57)
ok i found the gimmick i wanna recreate
it looks so cool!!
(19:38)
one plus about just me and my brother being home is a lot of
takeout (even if i have to go pick it up..) pizza night!!
(12:49)
starting to feel more comfortable in pkrl somewhat
trying to let go of my fear more
the community is nice..
(16:59)
well the city emailed back about the volunteer thing
no idea if i got it but fingers crossed
(22:08)
wow ok wow :D
my sister came over and gave me and my brother a bday bunt cake!!
and we got to have a full family meal for the first time in a
while (+ her boyfriend who is awesome and also a cowboy)
also parents are going out early tomorrow so its just
me and my brother for a week.. i hope hes not too annoying.
anyways pretty cool day
(12:11)
got back from therapists and instantly passed out :P
if that doesnt show my sleep schedule is broked..
(14:49)
trying not to worryyyyy
(17:55)
it is so cold out rn
my hands are shaking pretty bad
(18:54)
maybe my issue is trying to force myself into stuff i want
and being jealous of people who do have that
and wanting to get that quickly as a twisted way to
stop the feeling of being left out quickly
and that i should just try to take things slow
maybe being forced out of that server was a sign to
build patience and stuff and that i need to wait a
substantial amount of time before trying
it will hurt but this time i will change
and wont hurt them again
i wont
(19:29)
went to volunteer for some random photography thing
in my city cuz parents forcing me to do something this break
(20:00)
oh yea i guess i didnt mention it here yet
my parents arent going to be around for my birthday..
i understand why but it still does suck a bit
im hoping i can get a college friend to do something w/ me
(12:47)
i want to change the layout of my site but cant find
a layout idea i like.. but im going to keep working at it
(16:51)
finished my drawing for them.. ended up just doing a l4d2 "poster"
ill dump it into the gallery too if you want to see it
we're going out to some fancy restaurant too in like 10 minutes
printing out the drawing and throwing this update in real quick
(19:45)
dinner itself was good
brother kept trying to embarrass me again like yesterday
IN FRONT OF PARENTS which SUCKED and I WISH HE WOULD STOP
also my sister wasnt there nobody ended up inviting them
bc of how last minute the dinner was apparently
he left for the store before i could give him his drawing
(20:14)
he liked the drawing!!
(22:53)
finally starting to calm down from the server disaster
im a bit more confident i can really truly change
and i hope i can get another chance maybe
also ill try to work on the website more tomorrow..
(18:14)
holy piss i just noticed the "12 people on 12/6" stat
who is this interested in my site??
also im honestly surprised i forgot i put up a working rss
feed, i assumed it was broken like the comic rss feed
to be fair that feed is useful to notify when i change stuff
bc (at least on my side) it re-notifies me every time i push
changes so who knows and hello to the rss readers??
if there are any?? also if its the server, again hi and im sorry
well uh the day was wasted trying to reflash my 3ds
something broke really hardd
im well on my way to getting back to pokemon black tho
(00:12)
yes its technically tomorrow but im seperating these based
on when i sleep instead of actual days and stuff :)
anyways yes its the 9th now which means its my brothers bday
and yes i know his is 5 days before mine..
i dont know what to draw him bc most of the games he likes are
like the modern shooters with gruff army guys and thats like
the opposite of what i draw
i tried asking him and just got teased about buge fabls again
which was COOL and DIDNT make me want to HIT HIM
also again with the weird goatcounter numbers
WHY DID 4 PEOPLE RANDOMLY DECIDE TO READ NOV 10'TH COMIC
IN THE LAST *HOUR*?? It's even WEIRDER because ALL OF THE
VIEWS SAY THEYRE REFFERED FROM MELONKING WHICH IS CLOSED RN
NOT EVEN THE FORUM WHICH MIGHT MAKE A BIT OF SENSE
the ONLY thing i can think of is someone went to the
flood ring info page, went to my site for some reason, and
showed a random comic page to their friends which like
WHO WOULD DO THAT???
also holy hell who is the one person finding my hidden writings
and again why/how is the refferer melonking.net?? there is NO
possible way for someone to find them there is no link anywhere
its also kinda funny how im starting to maybe attract ppl from the
pkrl space with the neoskitties stuff since that page is getting
more viewers... maybe i should put actual effort into it.
maybe at some point who knows??? maybe once the server stuff is fixed which again im sorry abt
also again with this page suddenly becoming the most visited
aside from the index is slightly weird and makes me wonder
whos actually reading this and/or if its just rss feeds
inflating the number but who knows???
oh yea wait before i leave i should probably give a slight
update on how im going to be doing the journal
im gonna be writing it throughout the day like i did here
and push it the next day
so each days entries will be up the next day
anyway gn ill push this tomrw along with an update to the
gallery page..
im still feeling guilty but im trying to move
past it and im trying to legitimately improve
ill maybe try to appeal in a month or so or when
i actually become a better person.. i hope they give
me another chance but i get if they dont
ive been trying to keep up on my blogs
i couldnt post much today because of the aforementioned
SATURDAY TEST but ill post more tomorrow.
at least my semester is officially ovvverr!!
im kinda worried about my relationship w/ bench bc like
after they refriended me after the apology the conversations
have been like really stilted and im running out of things to
talk about and stuff it feels like theyre just tolerating me
talking to them idk i hope i can figure out how to talk to people
like a normal person and stuff
also the sudden spike in people checking this page is
a bit worrying, like a fourth of the visits on my site
have been on this page... redux server is that you??
i think/hope that bench doesnt find me annoying
uh so its almost the end of the semester which is nice
and im going to have to find some excuse of a thing to do
so my parents dont complain about me "doing nothing" for
a month which isnt nice
struggling to keep up with my personal projects
(the comic and working on new stuff for this site)
so idk id do pretty bad at a job
that last final is still looming though
well things are finally going the other way with that group
they uh found the apology
hopefully i never hurt them again
anyways ig ill talk about my real life bc i swear
i have one outside of being online
finals week! i have one test down, getting a 51/50 on my
compsci test.. and one to go, which is on a saturday, WHY?!
ok im not ok im still in pain
how do you deal with guilt
or like how do u fix relationship with someone
please i dont want to be hated please please
im sorry how do i fix this please
I feel like I should write something less intense after that
so I guess I'll double dip and talk about the trip..
Honestly, it was pretty short. We didn't get to do too much..
It was planned out so that we avoided the massive rush of
Monday and Sunday, instead choosing the day before and after
Thanksgiving to take advantage of the lower yield. Pretty clever,
but again it didn't leave much time to hang out with family.
I did get to play tennis though, which was fun until my
cousin chased and hit me with a racket repeatedly.
Also, we watched some movies. My mom hates The princess Bride
for some reason, but my uncles were clever and put it on
before we came to the house so I got to watch some :)
The cooking was fantastic, a lot of my family are really good
chefs, and I'm sad we couldn't take most of it on the plane.
Also, we tried to do some black friday shopping but ended up
not really buying a lot. Overall, pretty alright trip.
Today's only the 30th by technicality, it
just hit midnight 5 minutes ago. Still, I'm leaving it
because it looks nicer.
So.
I fucked up bad with that group.
I'm writing my apology here in the extremely rare chance that
one of them happens to check my site.
Also, I've had some time to think about it, both literally
being banned indefinitely and having very little computer
access until just now because of thanksgiving travel.
Maybe writing out an actual apology will help some,
even if they never end up seeing it.
godamnit im stalling
Bench, I'm sorry for continuing to beg for help and
not understanding the boundaries you set. I was getting
too emotional and scared about the new stuff, but I shouldn't
have expected you to hold my hand through it. I'll continue
to try writing and maybe it'll go somewhere. I just need to
give it time and stop letting my anxiety about it force me
to push boundaries too hard. I'm sorry for mistreating you,
and if you ever do end up letting me back I promise I will
be a better person and actively push myself to not repeat it
again. I'm sorry.
Allistor, I'm sorry for the message spam after what happened
Again, I was too emotional, but I should've just stepped back
and not done it.
To everyone else, I promise I will try to change and be a less
annoying person who pushes too hard sometimes.
it got worse
it got so much worse
everyone hates me
banned
fuck my fucking life why cant i just be normal
flying out to washington tomorrow for thanksgiving
also the guys seemed to be a little mad but i swear
ill get better
well the week timeout on one of the servers is up tomorrow
i hope they dont hate me too much...
the other one is still out but im trying to ask the
admin to reduce it from a week and a half to just a week
theyre ignoring me but that technically means its not impossible
and again if *you* are reading this
im sorry ok
I hope the community still accepts me..
i hope i can like be more integral with it
and not just be like someones little brother kinda lurking around
man i hate my parents sometimes
"oh just get a friend in every class you
should have at least one friend in every class"
like i can just snap my fingers and get someone to
like me?? like god im amazed i even got one friend
and that was basically by accident and we still barely
talk outside class and im worried its going to fall through
again and if you havent noticed im terrible with all relationships
the stupid putting myself down is probably just like a
idk a defense mechanism because im scared of making
something "bad" because i look up to so many people and
so many other guys have such incredible stuff
(art, websites, writing, pkrl) and it feels terrible to me
because theres no way that i could do that without building
up to it and that practice feels so indirect and like im making
no progress and just desperately trying to chase someone else
and not being able to get there before losing steam and feeling
ashamed because i failed at it and idk IDK i really want to do
cool stuff too and be in a group without worrying if they like me
feeling completely aimless and demotivated today
still trying to emotionally recover from..that
tried to work on the site a little but couldnt find it in me
and i probably cant do the big hsol styled remake without
having a working copy because WINE BROKE IT THANKS
also i havent drawn anything since that one "commision"
a couple days ago
maybe i should try writing random short stories and hiding
it deep in the site again..
how do you human without hurting people
how do you even
stabs of
how do you
its always either nothing or everything
inert lack of doing fucking anything
or trying so hard i fuck everything up every single fucking
this is the worst i cant i cant i cantt
i just
jfeff im sorry im sorry im sorry
why cant i
i just want to
i need to
how do you
im sorry im so sorry i
th
i cANT EVER
FRIENDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE
ITS ALWAYS EITHER NOTHING HAPPENS
OR I PUSH TOO HARD AND SHATTER EVERY CHANCE EVER
th
im sorry im
its not
the
im scared
im scared im just an asshole who just
god im sorry
i just
i just
wanted
to be
included
i just
i know youll probably never read this
but
but the truth is
i really find your work inspiring
and like all the converging story stuff
and i wanted to do that stuff too
and im sorry
and i know youll never read this ever
you probably dont know this stupid site even exists
and you probably just see me as some asswipe who
cant listen to a god damn single thing
and follow evven the most basic of social boundaries
and maybe i am
and maybe you never want to see me again
but im sorry
im sorry
im sorryyy
the fear of being a newbie
basically if theres one thing i hate more than anything
its not being able to feel proud of my work
and thats the whole thing about sucking at something/
doing it scared that i hate its that like i cant
feel proud of it, or i feel like just like a little kid
playing with their stupid legos while like the actually experienced
guys go and have fun and the progress is so slow i feel like
im doing it wrong but no i just have to keep making dumb stupid
stuff and it feels terrible and
especially with all the people who've been doing this stuff for
like years like i know that normal (not insane) people look at
that and are all "oh man theyve been doing it for so long
of course theyre better and there was a time that they sucked
too" and get motivated and stuff i wish i could be like that
for me its more "oh man theyve been doing this 10 years
that- i dont even know if i'll still be doing this in 10
years and what if i never get that good and oh god how will i
ever be able to compete with that even if i do keep at it for
10 years then theyll have done it for 20!!!! and like i just
wish i could like be ,more, like i didnt worry about it like
a normal person like i could just go make stuff and not worry
about how bad it is and feel panicked and beg people for help
and make them hate me over and over and over and i could just
write, or like draw, or whatever
the only field that this doesnt apply to is like coding bc
i have beein doing it for 10 years and stuff but like
i wish i could take as much pride in my own stuff as i do in theirs
but like not in a stealing way
doing it scared why cant i do it scared
whyyyyyyyyy
and the planning is just making me more stressed
why is my brain like this help
how do i just go
i cant im just being cringy im just
this whole thing will be a disaster
creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)
i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this
I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.
like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox
games and a little bit webdevelopment?
like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and
some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make
something i actually connect with in these and seeing how
effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating
and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats
same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel
like i have to make something of value but cant
i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant
do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry
Did you know that often, "deleting" something
on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does
is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer
"hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite
from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously
why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten
with data anyways?
i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...
like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..
or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become
more repressed and stuff...like me...
theres something there, ok?
Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused
this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my
watches date display turned into a table
(the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)
anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting
to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from
Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its
such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt
art as the reflection of yourself
yes i know thats a generic title but idk
i really want to express myself here
thoughts are hard to make clear
i feel like this site really isnt me
idk how to express it more
inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why
people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff
not being able to see everything is frustrating though
i want people to like my site
whats the point of putting time into something but
actively roadblocking people from seeing it??
i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession
with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it
and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays
I'm finally commiting to things!
I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"
challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel
more willing to work on the website some
i feel like every single problem i've ever
had in the creative space can be boiled down
into this image:
like, if i could just shut the frick up and
"do it scared" i could get something done but
i just have to try and force someone "successful"
to help when i feel like im failing and
it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and
ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again
for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling
into the trap of making the same kind of character, or
like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)
i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I
im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to
be more vulnerable here and this is how i am
its really cool seeing such a wide range of
states that people visit from, even if i never
get to talk to them just seeing that is cool
back here again, i guess
being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh
i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates
me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time
scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again
or people would forget me
id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly
i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and
deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining
and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally
just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read
about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went
online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500
entries" i dont know what to do
sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything
happens here
Wow, a whole month before I tore down the
journal page again!! cool, huh??
now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"
i left the last article so i have something
to reference to copy this properly
these journals keep getting either
too negative or fall into disuse because
my life is incredibly boring besides like
talking about what i did online which would
make me sound like a really sad person and stuff
also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again
i really wish i could either be normal and not
obsess over real disorders people actually deal with
(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel
justified in being so interested and like be able to
interact with the community better and stuff and also in general
not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again
would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it
hey, im back its been a while
still dealing with stuff and college
idk how im feeling really