--- title: vent/journal permalink: /journal --- <a href="https://journal.miso.town/atom?url=https://abslimeware.neocities.org/journal"> <img src="/assets/images/blinkers/rss.png" /> RSS </a href><br> <a href="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/"> probaby never on <img src="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/banner-kiosk.png" alt="The Neon Kiosk - Nightfall City"> </a> <h1>candys journal</h1> <h2>basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page</h2> <article> <h2>2024-11-30</h2> <p>I feel like I should write something less intense after that<br> so I guess I'll double dip and talk about the trip..<br> Honestly, it was pretty short. We didn't get to do too much..<br> It was planned out so that we avoided the massive rush of<br> Monday and Sunday, instead choosing the day before and after<br> Thanksgiving to take advantage of the lower yield. Pretty clever,<br> but again it didn't leave much time to hang out with family.<br> I did get to play tennis though, which was fun until my<br> cousin chased and hit me with a racket repeatedly.<br> Also, we watched some movies. My mom hates <i>The princess Bride</i><br> for some reason, but my uncles were clever and put it on<br> before we came to the house so I got to watch some :)<br> The cooking was fantastic, a lot of my family are really good<br> chefs, and I'm sad we couldn't take most of it on the plane.<br> Also, we tried to do some black friday shopping but ended up<br> not really buying a lot. Overall, pretty alright trip.</p> </article> <details> <summary>2024-11-30/apology</summary> <p>Today's only the 30th by technicality, it<br> just hit midnight 5 minutes ago. Still, I'm leaving it<br> because it looks nicer.<br> <br> So.<br> I fucked up bad with that group.<br> I'm writing my apology here in the extremely rare chance that<br> one of them happens to check my site.<br> Also, I've had some time to think about it, both literally<br> being banned indefinitely and having very little computer<br> access until just now because of thanksgiving travel.<br> Maybe writing out an actual apology will help some,<br> even if they never end up seeing it.<br> godamnit im stalling<br> <br> Bench, I'm sorry for continuing to beg for help and<br> not understanding the boundaries you set. I was getting<br> too emotional and scared about the new stuff, but I shouldn't<br> have expected you to hold my hand through it. I'll continue<br> to try writing and maybe it'll go somewhere. I just need to<br> give it time and stop letting my anxiety about it force me<br> to push boundaries too hard. I'm sorry for mistreating you,<br> and if you ever do end up letting me back I promise I will<br> be a better person and actively push myself to not repeat it<br> again. I'm sorry.<br> <br> Allistor, I'm sorry for the message spam after what happened<br> Again, I was too emotional, but I should've just stepped back<br> and not done it.<br> <br> To everyone else, I promise I will try to change and be a less<br> annoying person who pushes too hard sometimes.</p> </details> <article> <h2>2024-11-27</h2> <p>it got worse<br> it got so much worse<br> everyone hates me<br> banned<br> fuck my fucking life why cant i just be normal</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-26</h2> <p>flying out to washington tomorrow for thanksgiving<br> also the guys seemed to be a little mad but i swear<br> ill get better</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-24</h2> <p>well the week timeout on one of the servers is up tomorrow<br> i hope they dont hate me too much...<br> the other one is still out but im trying to ask the<br> admin to reduce it from a week and a half to just a week<br> theyre ignoring me but that technically means its not impossible<br> and again if *you* are reading this<br> im sorry ok</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-22</h2> <p>I hope the community still accepts me..<br> i hope i can like be more integral with it<br> and not just be like someones little brother kinda lurking around</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-21</h2> <p>man i hate my parents sometimes<br> "oh just get a friend in every class you<br> should have at least one friend in every class"<br> like i can just snap my fingers and get someone to<br> like me?? like god im amazed i even got one friend<br> and that was basically by accident and we still barely<br> talk outside class and im worried its going to fall through<br> again and if you havent noticed im terrible with all relationships<br> the stupid putting myself down is probably just like a<br> idk a defense mechanism because im scared of making<br> something "bad" because i look up to so many people and<br> so many other guys have such incredible stuff<br> (art, websites, writing, pkrl) and it feels terrible to me<br> because theres no way that i could do that without building<br> up to it and that practice feels so indirect and like im making<br> no progress and just desperately trying to chase someone else<br> and not being able to get there before losing steam and feeling<br> ashamed because i failed at it and idk IDK i really want to do<br> cool stuff too and be in a group without worrying if they like me</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-20</h2> <p>feeling completely aimless and demotivated today<br> still trying to emotionally recover from..that<br> tried to work on the site a little but couldnt find it in me<br> and i probably cant do the big hsol styled remake without<br> having a working copy because WINE BROKE IT THANKS<br> also i havent drawn anything since that one "commision"<br> a couple days ago<br> maybe i should try writing random short stories and hiding<br> it deep in the site again..</p> </article> <details> <summary>2024-11-18</summary> <p>how do you human without hurting people<br> how do you even<br> stabs of<br> how do you<br> its always either nothing or everything<br> inert lack of doing fucking anything<br> or trying so hard i fuck everything up every single fucking<br> this is the worst i cant i cant i cantt<br> i just<br> jfeff im sorry im sorry im sorry<br> why cant i<br> i just want to<br> i need to<br> how do you<br> im sorry im so sorry i<br> th<br> i cANT EVER<br> FRIENDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE<br> ITS ALWAYS EITHER NOTHING HAPPENS<br> OR I PUSH TOO HARD AND SHATTER EVERY CHANCE EVER<br> th<br> im sorry im<br> its not<br> the<br> im scared<br> im scared im just an asshole who just<br> god im sorry<br> i just<br> i just<br> wanted<br> to be<br> included<br> i just<br> i know youll probably never read this<br> but<br> but the truth is<br> i really find your work inspiring<br> and like all the converging story stuff<br> and i wanted to do that stuff too<br> and im sorry<br> and i know youll never read this ever<br> you probably dont know this stupid site even exists<br> and you probably just see me as some asswipe who<br> cant listen to a god damn single thing<br> and follow evven the most basic of social boundaries<br> and maybe i am<br> and maybe you never want to see me again<br> but im sorry<br> im sorry<br> im sorryyy</p> </details> <article> <h2>2024-11-16</h2> <p>the fear of being a newbie<br> basically if theres one thing i hate more than anything<br> its not being able to feel proud of my work<br> and thats the whole thing about sucking at something/<br> doing it scared that i hate its that like i cant<br> feel proud of it, or i feel like just like a little kid<br> playing with their stupid legos while like the actually experienced<br> guys go and have fun and the progress is so slow i feel like<br> im doing it wrong but no i just have to keep making dumb stupid<br> stuff and it feels terrible and<br> especially with all the people who've been doing this stuff for<br> like years like i know that normal (not insane) people look at<br> that and are all "oh man theyve been doing it for so long<br> of course theyre better and there was a time that they sucked<br> too" and get motivated and stuff i wish i could be like that<br> for me its more "oh man theyve been doing this 10 years<br> that- i dont even know if i'll still be doing this in 10<br> years and what if i never get that good and oh god how will i<br> ever be able to compete with that even if i do keep at it for<br> 10 years then theyll have done it for 20!!!! and like i just<br> wish i could like be ,more, like i didnt worry about it like<br> a normal person like i could just go make stuff and not worry<br> about how bad it is and feel panicked and beg people for help<br> and make them hate me over and over and over and i could just<br> write, or like draw, or whatever<br> the only field that this doesnt apply to is like coding bc<br> i have beein doing it for 10 years and stuff but like<br> <br> i wish i could take as much pride in my own stuff as i do in theirs<br> but like not in a stealing way</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-14</h2> <p>doing it scared why cant i do it scared<br> whyyyyyyyyy<br> and the planning is just making me more stressed<br> why is my brain like this help<br> how do i just go<br> i cant im just being cringy im just<br> this whole thing will be a disaster</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-13</h2> <p>creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)<br> i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this<br> I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.<br> like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox<br> games and a little bit webdevelopment?<br> like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and<br> some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make<br> something i actually connect with in these and seeing how<br> effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating<br> and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats<br> same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel<br> like i have to make something of value but cant<br> i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant<br> do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-12</h2> <p>Did you know that often, "deleting" something<br> on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does<br> is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer<br> "hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite<br> from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously<br> why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten<br> with data anyways?<br> i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...<br> like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..<br> or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become<br> more repressed and stuff...like me...<br> theres something there, ok? </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-11</h2> <p>Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused<br> this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my<br> watches date display turned into a table<br> (the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)<br> anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting<br> to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from<br> Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its<br> such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-10</h2> <p>art as the reflection of yourself<br> yes i know thats a generic title but idk<br> i really want to express myself here<br> thoughts are hard to make clear<br> i feel like this site really isnt me<br> idk how to express it more</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-10</h2> <p>inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why<br> people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff<br> not being able to see everything is frustrating though<br> i want people to like my site<br> whats the point of putting time into something but<br> actively roadblocking people from seeing it??<br> i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession<br> with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it<br> <br> and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-09</h2> <p>I'm finally commiting to things!<br> I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"<br> challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel<br> more willing to work on the website some</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-07</h2> <p>i feel like every single problem i've ever<br> had in the creative space can be boiled down<br> into this image:<br> <img src="/personal/gomap.png"></img><br> like, if i could just shut the frick up and<br> "do it scared" i could get something done but<br> i just have to try and force someone "successful"<br> to help when i feel like im failing and<br> it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and<br> ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again<br> <br> for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling<br> into the trap of making the same kind of character, or<br> like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)<br> i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I<br> <br> im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to<br> be more vulnerable here and this is how i am</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-07</h2> <p>its really cool seeing such a wide range of<br> states that people visit from, even if i never<br> get to talk to them just seeing that is cool</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-11-04</h2> <p>back here again, i guess<br> being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh<br> i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates<br> me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time<br> scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again<br> or people would forget me<br> id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly<br> i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and<br> deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining<br> and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally<br> just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read<br> about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went<br> online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500<br> entries" i dont know what to do<br> sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything<br> happens here</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-09-30</h2> <p>Wow, a whole month before I tore down the<br> journal page again!! cool, huh??<br> now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"<br> i left the last article so i have something<br> to reference to copy this properly<br> these journals keep getting either<br> too negative or fall into disuse because<br> my life is incredibly boring besides like<br> talking about what i did online which would<br> make me sound like a really sad person and stuff<br> also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again<br> i really wish i could either be normal and not<br> obsess over real disorders people actually deal with<br> (DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel<br> justified in being so interested and like be able to<br> interact with the community better and stuff and also in general<br> not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again<br> would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it</p> </article> <article> <h2>2024-09-26</h2> <p>hey, im back its been a while<br> still dealing with stuff and college<br> idk how im feeling really</p> </article> <h2>[EXPUNGED]</h2>