comicsite/personal/journal.html

---
title: vent/journal
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<h1>candys journal</h1>
<h2>basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page</h2>


<article>
	<h2>2024-12-09</h2>
	<p>(12:47)<br>
	i want to change the layout of my site but cant find<br>
	a layout idea i like.. but im going to keep working at it<br>
	(16:51)<br>
	finished my drawing for them.. ended up just doing a l4d2 "poster"<br>
	ill dump it into the gallery too if you want to see it<br>
	we're going out to some fancy restaurant too in like 10 minutes<br>
	printing out the drawing and throwing this update in real quick<br>
	(19:45)<br>
	dinner itself was good<br>
	brother kept trying to embarrass me again like yesterday<br>
	IN FRONT OF PARENTS which SUCKED and I WISH HE WOULD STOP<br>
	also my sister wasnt there nobody ended up inviting them<br>
	bc of how last minute the dinner was apparently<br>
	he left for the store before i could give him his drawing<br>
	(20:14)<br>
	he liked the drawing!!<br>
	(22:53)<br>
	finally starting to calm down from the server disaster<br>
	im a bit more confident i can really truly change<br>
	and i hope i can get another chance maybe<br>
	also ill try to work on the website more tomorrow..
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-08</h2>
	<p>(18:14)<br>
	holy piss i just noticed the "12 people on 12/6" stat<br>
	who is this interested in my site??<br>
	also im honestly surprised i forgot i put up a working rss<br>
	feed, i assumed it was broken like the comic rss feed<br>
	to be fair that feed is useful to notify when i change stuff<br>
	bc (at least on my side) it re-notifies me every time i push<br>
	changes so who knows and hello to the rss readers??<br>
	if there are any?? also if its the server, again hi and im sorry<br>
	well uh the day was wasted trying to reflash my 3ds<br>
	something broke really hardd<br>
	im well on my way to getting back to pokemon black tho<br>
	(00:12)<br>
	yes its technically tomorrow but im seperating these based<br>
	on when i sleep instead of actual days and stuff :)<br>
	anyways yes its the 9th now which means its my brothers bday<br>
	and yes i know his is 5 days before mine..<br>
	i dont know what to draw him bc most of the games he likes are<br>
	like the modern shooters with gruff army guys and thats like<br>
	the opposite of what i draw<br>
	i tried asking him and just got teased about buge fabls again<br>
	which was COOL and DIDNT make me want to HIT HIM<br>
	<br>
	also again with the weird goatcounter numbers<br>
	WHY DID 4 PEOPLE RANDOMLY DECIDE TO READ NOV 10'TH COMIC<br>
	IN THE LAST *HOUR*?? It's even WEIRDER because ALL OF THE<br>
	VIEWS SAY THEYRE REFFERED FROM MELONKING WHICH IS CLOSED RN<br>
	NOT EVEN THE FORUM WHICH MIGHT MAKE A BIT OF SENSE<br>
	the ONLY thing i can think of is someone went to the<br>
	flood ring info page, went to my site for some reason, and<br>
	showed a random comic page to their friends which like<br>
	WHO WOULD DO THAT???<br>
	also holy hell who is the one person finding my hidden writings<br>
	and again why/how is the refferer melonking.net?? there is NO<br>
	possible way for someone to find them there is no link anywhere<br>
	its also kinda funny how im starting to maybe attract ppl from the<br>
	pkrl space with the neoskitties stuff since that page is getting<br>
	more viewers... maybe i should put actual effort into it.<br>
	maybe at some point who knows??? maybe once the server stuff is fixed which again im sorry abt<br>
	also again with this page suddenly becoming the most visited<br>
	aside from the index is slightly weird and makes me wonder<br>
	whos actually reading this and/or if its just rss feeds<br>
	inflating the number but who knows???<br>
	oh yea wait before i leave i should probably give a slight<br>
	update on how im going to be doing the journal<br>
	im gonna be writing it throughout the day like i did here<br>
	and push it the next day<br>
	so each days entries will be up the next day<br>
	anyway gn ill push this tomrw along with an update to the<br>
	gallery page..
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-07</h2>
	<p>im still feeling guilty but im trying to move<br>
	past it and im trying to legitimately improve<br>
	ill maybe try to appeal in a month or so or when<br>
	i actually become a better person.. i hope they give<br>
	me another chance but i get if they dont<br>
	ive been trying to keep up on my blogs<br>
	i couldnt post much today because of the aforementioned<br>
	SATURDAY TEST but ill post more tomorrow.<br>
	at least my semester is officially ovvverr!!<br>
	<br>
	im kinda worried about my relationship w/ bench bc like<br>
	after they refriended me after the apology the conversations<br>
	have been like really stilted and im running out of things to<br>
	talk about and stuff it feels like theyre just tolerating me<br>
	talking to them idk i hope i can figure out how to talk to people<br>
	like a normal person and stuff<br>
	<br>
	also the sudden spike in people checking this page is<br>
	a bit worrying, like a fourth of the visits on my site<br>
	have been on this page... redux server is that you??</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-05</h2>
	<p>i think/hope that bench doesnt find me annoying<br>
	uh so its almost the end of the semester which is nice<br>
	and im going to have to find some excuse of a thing to do<br>
	so my parents dont complain about me "doing nothing" for<br>
	a month which isnt nice<br>
	struggling to keep up with my personal projects<br>
	(the comic and working on new stuff for this site)<br>
	so idk id do pretty bad at a job<br>
	that last final is still looming though</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-04</h2>
	<p>well things are finally going the other way with that group<br>
	they uh found the apology<br>
	hopefully i never hurt them again<br>
	<br>
	anyways ig ill talk about my real life bc i swear<br>
	i have one outside of being online<br>
	finals week! i have one test down, getting a 51/50 on my<br>
	compsci test.. and one to go, which is on a saturday, WHY?!</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-01</h2>
	<p>ok im not ok im still in pain<br>
	how do you deal with guilt<br>
	or like how do u fix relationship with someone<br>
	please i dont want to be hated please please<br>
	im sorry how do i fix this please</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-30</h2>
	<p>I feel like I should write something less intense after that<br>
	so I guess I'll double dip and talk about the trip..<br>
	Honestly, it was pretty short. We didn't get to do too much..<br>
	It was planned out so that we avoided the massive rush of<br>
	Monday and Sunday, instead choosing the day before and after<br>
	Thanksgiving to take advantage of the lower yield. Pretty clever,<br>
	but again it didn't leave much time to hang out with family.<br>
	I did get to play tennis though, which was fun until my<br>
	cousin chased and hit me with a racket repeatedly.<br>
	Also, we watched some movies. My mom hates <i>The princess Bride</i><br>
	for some reason, but my uncles were clever and put it on<br>
	before we came to the house so I got to watch some :)<br>
	The cooking was fantastic, a lot of my family are really good<br>
	chefs, and I'm sad we couldn't take most of it on the plane.<br>
	Also, we tried to do some black friday shopping but ended up<br>
	not really buying a lot. Overall, pretty alright trip.</p>
</article>

<details>
	<summary>2024-11-30/apology</summary>
	<p>Today's only the 30th by technicality, it<br>
	just hit midnight 5 minutes ago. Still, I'm leaving it<br>
	because it looks nicer.<br>
	<br>
	So.<br>
	I fucked up bad with that group.<br>
	I'm writing my apology here in the extremely rare chance that<br>
	one of them happens to check my site.<br>
	Also, I've had some time to think about it, both literally<br>
	being banned indefinitely and having very little computer<br>
	access until just now because of thanksgiving travel.<br>
	Maybe writing out an actual apology will help some,<br>
	even if they never end up seeing it.<br>
	godamnit im stalling<br>
	<br>
	Bench, I'm sorry for continuing to beg for help and<br>
	not understanding the boundaries you set. I was getting<br>
	too emotional and scared about the new stuff, but I shouldn't<br>
	have expected you to hold my hand through it. I'll continue<br>
	to try writing and maybe it'll go somewhere. I just need to<br>
	give it time and stop letting my anxiety about it force me<br>
	to push boundaries too hard. I'm sorry for mistreating you,<br>
	and if you ever do end up letting me back I promise I will<br>
	be a better person and actively push myself to not repeat it<br>
	again. I'm sorry.<br>
	<br>
	Allistor, I'm sorry for the message spam after what happened<br>
	Again, I was too emotional, but I should've just stepped back<br>
	and not done it.<br>
	<br>
	To everyone else, I promise I will try to change and be a less<br>
	annoying person who pushes too hard sometimes.</p>
</details>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-27</h2>
	<p>it got worse<br>
	it got so much worse<br>
	everyone hates me<br>
	banned<br>
	fuck my fucking life why cant i just be normal</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-26</h2>
	<p>flying out to washington tomorrow for thanksgiving<br>
	also the guys seemed to be a little mad but i swear<br>
	ill get better</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-24</h2>
	<p>well the week timeout on one of the servers is up tomorrow<br>
	i hope they dont hate me too much...<br>
	the other one is still out but im trying to ask the<br>
	admin to reduce it from a week and a half to just a week<br>
	theyre ignoring me but that technically means its not impossible<br>
	and again if *you* are reading this<br>
	im sorry ok</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-22</h2>
	<p>I hope the community still accepts me..<br>
	i hope i can like be more integral with it<br>
	and not just be like someones little brother kinda lurking around</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-21</h2>
	<p>man i hate my parents sometimes<br>
	"oh just get a friend in every class you<br>
	should have at least one friend in every class"<br>
	like i can just snap my fingers and get someone to<br>
	like me?? like god im amazed i even got one friend<br>
	and that was basically by accident and we still barely<br>
	talk outside class and im worried its going to fall through<br>
	again and if you havent noticed im terrible with all relationships<br>
	the stupid putting myself down is probably just like a<br>
	idk a defense mechanism because im scared of making<br>
	something "bad" because i look up to so many people and<br>
	so many other guys have such incredible stuff<br>
	(art, websites, writing, pkrl) and it feels terrible to me<br>
	because theres no way that i could do that without building<br>
	up to it and that practice feels so indirect and like im making<br>
	no progress and just desperately trying to chase someone else<br>
	and not being able to get there before losing steam and feeling<br>
	ashamed because i failed at it and idk IDK i really want to do<br>
	cool stuff too and be in a group without worrying if they like me</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-20</h2>
	<p>feeling completely aimless and demotivated today<br>
	still trying to emotionally recover from..that<br>
	tried to work on the site a little but couldnt find it in me<br>
	and i probably cant do the big hsol styled remake without<br>
	having a working copy because WINE BROKE IT THANKS<br>
	also i havent drawn anything since that one "commision"<br>
	a couple days ago<br>
	maybe i should try writing random short stories and hiding<br>
	it deep in the site again..</p>
</article>

<details>
	<summary>2024-11-18</summary>
	<p>how do you human without hurting people<br>
	how do you even<br>
	stabs of<br>
	how do you<br>
	its always either nothing or everything<br>
	inert lack of doing fucking anything<br>
	or trying so hard i fuck everything up every single fucking<br>
	this is the worst i cant i cant i cantt<br>
	i just<br>
	jfeff im sorry im sorry im sorry<br>
	why cant i<br>
	i just want to<br>
	i need to<br>
	how do you<br>
	im sorry im so sorry i<br>
	th<br>
	i cANT EVER<br>
	FRIENDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE<br>
	ITS ALWAYS EITHER NOTHING HAPPENS<br>
	OR I PUSH TOO HARD AND SHATTER EVERY CHANCE EVER<br>
	th<br>
	im sorry im<br>
	its not<br>
	the<br>
	im scared<br>
	im scared im just an asshole who just<br>
	god im sorry<br>
	i just<br>
	i just<br>
	wanted<br>
	to be<br>
	included<br>
	i just<br>
	i know youll probably never read this<br>
	but<br>
	but the truth is<br>
	i really find your work inspiring<br>
	and like all the converging story stuff<br>
	and i wanted to do that stuff too<br>
	and im sorry<br>
	and i know youll never read this ever<br>
	you probably dont know this stupid site even exists<br>
	and you probably just see me as some asswipe who<br>
	cant listen to a god damn single thing<br>
	and follow evven the most basic of social boundaries<br>
	and maybe i am<br>
	and maybe you never want to see me again<br>
	but im sorry<br>
	im sorry<br>
	im sorryyy</p>
</details>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-16</h2>
	<p>the fear of being a newbie<br>
	basically if theres one thing i hate more than anything<br>
	its not being able to feel proud of my work<br>
	and thats the whole thing about sucking at something/<br>
	doing it scared that i hate its that like i cant<br>
	feel proud of it, or i feel like just like a little kid<br>
	playing with their stupid legos while like the actually experienced<br>
	guys go and have fun and the progress is so slow i feel like<br>
	im doing it wrong but no i just have to keep making dumb stupid<br>
	stuff and it feels terrible and<br>
	especially with all the people who've been doing this stuff for<br>
	like years like i know that normal (not insane) people look at<br>
	that and are all "oh man theyve been doing it for so long<br>
	of course theyre better and there was a time that they sucked<br>
	too" and get motivated and stuff i wish i could be like that<br>
	for me its more "oh man theyve been doing this 10 years<br>
	that- i dont even know if i'll still be doing this in 10<br>
	years and what if i never get that good and oh god how will i<br>
	ever be able to compete with that even if i do keep at it for<br>
	10 years then theyll have done it for 20!!!! and like i just<br>
	wish i could like be ,more, like i didnt worry about it like<br>
	a normal person like i could just go make stuff and not worry<br>
	about how bad it is and feel panicked and beg people for help<br>
	and make them hate me over and over and over and i could just<br>
	write, or like draw, or whatever<br>
	the only field that this doesnt apply to is like coding bc<br>
	i have beein doing it for 10 years and stuff but like<br>
	<br>
	i wish i could take as much pride in my own stuff as i do in theirs<br>
	but like not in a stealing way</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-14</h2>
	<p>doing it scared why cant i do it scared<br>
	whyyyyyyyyy<br>
	and the planning is just making me more stressed<br>
	why is my brain like this help<br>
	how do i just go<br>
	i cant im just being cringy im just<br>
	this whole thing will be a disaster</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-13</h2>
	<p>creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)<br>
	i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this<br>
	I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.<br>
	like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox<br>
	games and a little bit webdevelopment?<br>
	like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and<br>
	some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make<br>
	something i actually connect with in these and seeing how<br>
	effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating<br>
	and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats<br>
	same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel<br>
	like i have to make something of value but cant<br>
	i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant<br>
	do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-12</h2>
	<p>Did you know that often, "deleting" something<br>
	on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does<br>
	is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer<br>
	"hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite<br>
	from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously<br>
	why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten<br>
	with data anyways?<br>
	i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...<br>
	like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..<br>
	or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become<br>
	more repressed and stuff...like me...<br>
	theres something there, ok?
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-11</h2>
	<p>Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused<br>
	this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my<br>
	watches date display turned into a table<br>
	(the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)<br>
	anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting<br>
	to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from<br>
	Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its<br>
	such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
	<p>art as the reflection of yourself<br>
	yes i know thats a generic title but idk<br>
	i really want to express myself here<br>
	thoughts are hard to make clear<br>
	i feel like this site really isnt me<br>
	idk how to express it more</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
	<p>inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why<br>
	people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff<br>
	not being able to see everything is frustrating though<br>
	i want people to like my site<br>
	whats the point of putting time into something but<br>
	actively roadblocking people from seeing it??<br>
	i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession<br>
	with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it<br>
	<br>
	and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-09</h2>
	<p>I'm finally commiting to things!<br>
	I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"<br>
	challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel<br>
	more willing to work on the website some</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
	<p>i feel like every single problem i've ever<br>
	had in the creative space can be boiled down<br>
	into this image:<br>
	<img src="/personal/gomap.png"></img><br>
	like, if i could just shut the frick up and<br>
	"do it scared" i could get something done but<br>
	i just have to try and force someone "successful"<br>
	to help when i feel like im failing and<br>
	it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and<br>
	ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again<br>
	<br>
	for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling<br>
	into the trap of making the same kind of character, or<br>
	like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)<br>
	i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I<br>
	<br>
	im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to<br>
	be more vulnerable here and this is how i am</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
	<p>its really cool seeing such a wide range of<br>
	states that people visit from, even if i never<br>
	get to talk to them just seeing that is cool</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-04</h2>
	<p>back here again, i guess<br>
	being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh<br>
	i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates<br>
	me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time<br>
	scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again<br>
	or people would forget me<br>
	id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly<br>
	i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and<br>
	deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining<br>
	and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally<br>
	just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read<br>
	about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went<br>
	online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500<br>
	entries" i dont know what to do<br>
	sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything<br>
	happens here</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-09-30</h2>
	<p>Wow, a whole month before I tore down the<br>
	journal page again!! cool, huh??<br>
	now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"<br>
	i left the last article so i have something<br>
	to reference to copy this properly<br>
	these journals keep getting either<br>
	too negative or fall into disuse because<br>
	my life is incredibly boring besides like<br>
	talking about what i did online which would<br>
	make me sound like a really sad person and stuff<br>
	also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again<br>
	i really wish i could either be normal and not<br>
	obsess over real disorders people actually deal with<br>
	(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel<br>
	justified in being so interested and like be able to<br>
	interact with the community better and stuff and also in general<br>
	not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again<br>
	would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-09-26</h2>
	<p>hey, im back its been a while<br>
	still dealing with stuff and college<br>
	idk how im feeling really</p>
</article>

<h2>[EXPUNGED]</h2>