1098 lines
40 KiB
HTML
1098 lines
40 KiB
HTML
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title: vent/journal
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permalink: /journal
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---
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<a href="https://journal.miso.town/atom?url=https://abslimeware.neocities.org/journal">
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<img src="/assets/images/blinkers/rss.png" />
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RSS
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</a href><br>
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<a href="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/">
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probaby never on <img src="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/banner-kiosk.png"
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alt="The Neon Kiosk - Nightfall City">
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</a>
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<h1>candys journal</h1>
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<h2>basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page</h2>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-01-08</h2>
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<p>(20:05)<br>
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got a tarot deck<br>
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(00:38)<br>
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still no response<br>
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i really really wish they would just *tell me* if this whole thing is over or not<br>
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ive been worrying about this for over six weeks and<br>
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now i mightve also lost two friends for real this time on top of that i just<br>
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i want to know if its over or not this is seriously getting to me<br>
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its making it hard to sleep
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-01-07</h2>
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<p>(21:52)<br>
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guess what moron forgot to git pull before<br>
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filling in a thing for yesterdays article and<br>
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causing a pull conflict i love this :DDXDDDDD<br>
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(22:16)<br>
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umm bench havent responded at all today<br>
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so like i asked bench to ask the mods if i could dm and they<br>
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suddenly dropped all comms like yesterday
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crap<br>
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crapcrapcrap did i force away someone else<br>
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did they read the last entry im sorry-
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-01-06</h2>
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<p>(00:03)<br>
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well i spent all day cloning my computer hard drive<br>
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to the new nvme and that was exhausting<br>
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also cuz this isnt going to be cloned (im writing after)<br>
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im gonna have to do like the only git pull this repo will ever see<br>
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so thats cool ig<br>
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also still no fking response<br>
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at this point im just going to ask bench to ask a diff mod<br>
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or something bc if they havent responded in a WEEK then..
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-01-05</h2>
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<p>(18:27)<br>
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hi again, sorry i havent updated in a bit<br>
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to the like 2 of you who actually read this<br>
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ive been feeling a bit crushed bc of like<br>
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they still havent responded and im starting to<br>
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like panic and ive barely worked on anything in the<br>
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last couple days besides like 1 drawing and<br>
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a couple new oddish news pages bc i have to keep<br>
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something up to not fall further and stuff<br>
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im writing this more to force myself to do something
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-01-02</h2>
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<p>(18:16)<br>
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just noticed i forgot to push yesterdays entry in, oops<br>
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still waiting for them to respond and again the SUSPENSE
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-01-01</h2>
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<p>(18:52)<br>
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well, welcome to 2025!<br>
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i sent out the response but im still waiting as of now<br>
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the suspense is killing me..<br>
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i also wasted a lot of today playing balatro<br>
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im gonna try to throw together a comic page before midnight
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-31</h2>
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<p>(10:43)<br>
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well i got the ssd for channukah yesterday<br>
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but its the wrong type since apparently this computer<br>
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uses nvme and not sata so thats great<br>
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at least i could maybe use it as a backup drive?<br>
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also i got accepted into another webring if you couldnt<br>
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tell from me tacking it onto the homepage :P<br>
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(01:15)<br>
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boy am i very tired from new years stuff<br>
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2025 already, isnt that wild<br>
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well i had to go to a waiting room for 4 hours, then<br>
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a hockey game (we won), then a house party then back home<br>
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i tried to talk to people during the party and stuff but<br>
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it as you oculd guess it didnt go super well<br>
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hopefully this is the last time ill have trouble sleeping from<br>
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guilt too so thats cool and stuff
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also happy new year to you whoevers reading this :D
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-30</h2>
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<p>(18:54)<br>
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well i wrote out my apology and sent it to turtlehat<br>
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so i have someone make sure im not too emotional in it<br>
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and stuff and oh god oh god i hope it works<br>
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(21:31)<br>
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well my brother came to get me to buy food literally mid<br>
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writing the last entry and ive been driving around bc im<br>
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an idiot and couldnt find the bag of cheezits also i almost<br>
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lost my wallet so thats fffffunnnnn<br>
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(22:21)<br>
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oh yea my parents are home now and apparently we have to go<br>
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wait somewhere for like 4 hours before the game so thats..<br>
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at least ill have my computer but idk if ill update here much<br>
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also ill send the apology on jan 1 instead
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-29</h2>
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<p>(21:48)<br>
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rc car.... yay...
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-28</h2>
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<p>(06:07)<br>
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last 4 days or so!! i can do this<br>
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just reading thru melonforum stuff bc ive been avoiding it rn<br>
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(13:07)<br>
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yep here comes the passing out<br>
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(20:30)<br>
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i think im going thru a depression ive barely left my<br>
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bed the last couple days and the brainfog is heavier and<br>
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im starting to get scared of drawing and idk<br>
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im scared<br>
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(00:51)<br>
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cant sleep
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-27</h2>
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<p>(15:19)<br>
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who knew going to bed at 2 in the morning causes you to<br>
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wake up late??<br>
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ok well not technically late but i passed out like 3 times<br>
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after waking up so yea<br>
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also the thing moosky is making is going pretty well<br>
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(15:37)<br>
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forgot to add, my friend turtlehatdev (who did a couple comic pages here :D)<br>
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got to do a voiceacting role for a youtube vid!<br>
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoI5Nvtc64U<br>
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(21:52)<br>
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i guess we're doing a late channukah parents still<br>
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havent called yet..<br>
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(22:36)<br>
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3ds battery that doesnt fit, yay<br>
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(05:28)<br>
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well i couldnt sleep again so time to take<br>
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20 naps againnn yayyy
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-26</h2>
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<p>(12:45)<br>
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well i woke up to it hailing<br>
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thats fun<br>
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(17:27)<br>
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well moosky is doing a 3d anim of my chars so thats realy cool :D<br>
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(20:33)<br>
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me and moosky spent like 3 hours fleshing out our chars lore :D<br>
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hes so cool!! ^^<br>
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(21:11)<br>
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i got a polaroid for the second night which is pretty cool<br>
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idk what to use it for tho<br>
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(23:45)<br>
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wait i forgot to push yesterdays entry didnt i???<br>
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dang it ill do it when i make tomorrows comic page..<br>
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(00:10)<br>
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goddang it my brother woke me up and made me<br>
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clean up dog pee i really dont like our dogs<br>
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(00:44)<br>
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my sleep schedule noooo
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-25</h2>
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<p>(9:42)<br>
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who knew going to bed earlier made you feel better<br>
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anyways christmas!!! i havent gotten my present yet but<br>
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its probably good!<br>
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(14:04)<br>
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well i got a headphones and a stress toy thingy<br>
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we still have 7 more nights to go tho so im excited<br>
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also the "9th day gift" of sending the appeal which<br>
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ill finally be free of this guilt ive felt over the last month<br>
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i really really really hope they accept it<br>
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and now my parents are going out again which again kinda sucs,,<br>
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(15:56)<br>
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i spent the last hour debugging those headphones<br>
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turns out the cable wasnt plugged in fully<br>
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yipeeeeeeeee<br>
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(16:29)<br>
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god i hope im not past being able to be forgiven by them<br>
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(17:40)<br>
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wel;l bench made a server 2 weeks ago<br>
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they said no for NOW but t thats also like maybe a way to maybe<br>
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show people that ive changed and stuff and that im worthy of<br>
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maybe getting another chance im SORRY im SORRY IM SORRY<br>
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(18:02)<br>
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i really hope i can get like in a friendgroup in this community<br>
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or something idk i wish i had like more interaction and like<br>
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a group to bounce stories off in our blogs or something but<br>
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it feels so impossible and asking the people who do have it<br>
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just leads to hurting them i just want to be like i just want<br>
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to matter to like a group or something and be part of a group<br>
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and stuff i dont knowwwwww<br>
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am i doing this right?? am i just never going to get there?<br>
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forcing it doesnt work but waiting feels like just giving up<br>
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[snip]<br>
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but if i really want this i have to be patient and NOT force it<br>
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just stay calm and actually really respect people and ill<br>
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maybe get the chance to do collab stuff maybe after enough time<br>
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i hope<br>
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(18:44)<br>
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i really hope they are still willing to accept me i really do<br>
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(19:17)<br>
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why are social interactions so hard aaaaaa
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-24</h2>
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<p>(14:43)<br>
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well, as expected, i slept in way too hard<br>
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nothing particularly happened i just passed out a bunch<br>
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(17:13)<br>
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telling my brother about bueg fabls was one of the<br>
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worst mistakes of my life<br>
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(21:32)<br>
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moosky is so nice to me omg<br>
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(00:01)<br>
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OFFICIALLY LAST WEEK AAAA
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-23</h2>
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<p>(20:38)<br>
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another very eh day<br>
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did some more writing i guess<br>
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and also i finally actually did the photography<br>
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volunteer thing i signed up for a few weeks ago<br>
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that was fun i guess<br>
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(00:08)<br>
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oh man oh man the last week is coming<br>
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i can finally send my appeal in a week<br>
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(00:57)<br>
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yep i still cant sleep :(<br>
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(05:43)<br>
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had such a bad nightmare i dont want to go back to sleep<br>
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so... im here now hi<br>
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im dumping this in yesterdays entry bc its way too short.
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-22</h2>
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<p>(16:03)<br>
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well i played tf2 with moosky<br>
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we both kinda sucked ^^<br>
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(17:20)<br>
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gaaahhhh i need to wait until january to appeal<br>
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i need to show i have patience now<br>
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(18:30)<br>
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well we had pizza again<br>
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(22:42)<br>
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im finally starting to get real momentum i feel like in the<br>
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writing stuff!!
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-21</h2>
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<p>(14:06)<br>
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well i woke up to a bunch of anons defending me in my inbox<br>
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which was unexpected for sure<br>
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idk tho i still feel like im kinda in the wrong for like<br>
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trying to force interaction again<br>
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but at least i learned my lesson and this time it was just<br>
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sending out a few asks rather than um what happened last time<br>
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but im improving!!! somewhat!!!!!!<br>
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(23:52)<br>
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yk what i feel kinda proud of what ive done in this space<br>
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sure its not as great as what theyre doing and stuff but<br>
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i probably needed that time away from them to stop focusing<br>
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on what they were doing so heavily and just freaking do my<br>
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own thing!! and i really hope they do end up forgiving me<br>
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in the end. i really really do. ive been worrying about it<br>
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for almost a month now.<br>
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(00:07)<br>
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oh man my sleep schedule is cooked no wonder im always tired
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-20</h2>
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<p>(13:03)<br>
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hek yea i just bought a mothroach plush<br>
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(13:46)<br>
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HOLLYYYY SHIT NEW TF2 COMIC DROP IT WAS AMAZING<br>
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(17:50)<br>
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maybe im too negative sometimes<br>
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sorry to anyone whos still reading after the disaster of this month<br>
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and the last<br>
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(18:00)<br>
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you know what<br>
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its ok im not making much progress on the site<br>
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its ok im not doing much on the blog right now<br>
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it takes time
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-19</h2>
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<p>(18:15)<br>
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been in a bit of a social slump lately<br>
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barely checked discord/tumbr or the melonland forum<br>
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at least moosky and turtle are nice to talk to<br>
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and i really hope the server guys will want to talk again<br>
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also i set up my raspberry pis again and they are cool servers :D<br>
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(18:22)<br>
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oh yea i guess i didnt mention it before<br>
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parents are back but they have to go out again on christmas/channukah<br>
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tho this time theyll be back before channukahs over..<br>
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ig they have a lot of stuff to bring from my grandmas house<br>
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(19:21)<br>
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man screw this im not in the right headspace to make another comic<br>
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i dont even care if i skipped twice im drowning<br>
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(20:36)<br>
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god d a m n it why do i care so much about a stupid tubr event<br>
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im thrwoing shit at the wall and i feel terrible about it<br>
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(21:31)<br>
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okok ive calmed down a bit<br>
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im not terrible im not terrible im not terrible<br>
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as long as im not inflicting other people with it<br>
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its fine im fine<br>
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thats why i keep this blog i guess now just to dump all<br>
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my terrible thoughts instead f inflicting it on other people<br>
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(21:34)<br>
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ok so the whole problem stems from wanting to be involved<br>
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with the collaborative stuff my friends are doing<br>
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(yes bench is my friend again they forgave me and refriended)<br>
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and also feeling like im unable to do that because of all the<br>
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failures in the past so i try to reach out for help to do that<br>
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in a frantic stupid terrible ourobouros that just hurts people<br>
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but so as long as i just ignore that feeling long enough i can<br>
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maybe do something cool with them<br>
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its almost paradoxical, huh.. to do the stuff i want to i have<br>
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to give up on doing the things now and stop letting it weigh on<br>
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my mind.. yk what at least i handled it better this time i didnt<br>
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try to reach out im STILL WAITING FOR JANUARY because i really<br>
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want to show that ive changed and this time yk this time i just<br>
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calmed down offline mostly and screamed into the void (blog)<br>
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so hopefully this doesnt mean that im making no progress hopefully<br>
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i DONT WANT TO HURT THEM AGAIN NOT AGAIN THATS NOT WHAT A FRIEND DOES
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frik im going to go play some balatro to get my mind off this<br>
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(22:05)<br>
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well i won the balatro game<br>
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feeling a bit better<br>
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tho again i really hope the server accepts me again<br>
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(22:14)<br>
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maybe i cant always have a ton of interaction every day<br>
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"sometimes you need the bad moments to make the good ones better"
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(23:00)<br>
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ok im deleting a bunch from the 20:36 entry and going to bed
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-18</h2>
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<p>(14:11)<br>
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tired<br>
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(19:11)<br>
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well i tried to play some hl2 coop with moosky<br>
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turns out that the linux version is really bugged<br>
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and crashes a LOT<br>
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we might play l4d or something later tho which will be nice
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-17</h2>
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<p>(15:29)<br>
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i feel really unmotivated lately to draw stuff<br>
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sorry for missing yesterdays comic post<br>
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(22:44)<br>
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i hope the server guys are doing ok<br>
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-16</h2>
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<p>
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crepes<br>
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i got a 70 on my math final<br>
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im REALLY REALLY hoping its just the graders being stingy again<br>
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because otherwise my parents will literally kill me<br>
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-15</h2>
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<p>(15:06)<br>
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oh i forgot to update this<br>
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i was up reallllyyy late yesterday<br>
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also they did NOT reach out to me which<br>
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i kinda expected but oh well<br>
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i hope i can redeem myself in their eyes<br>
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i hope<br>
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im sorry<br>
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(23:14)<br>
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also i didnt go out to dinner tonight<br>
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maybe tomorrow hopefully
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-12-14</h2>
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<p>(12:45)<br>
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BIRTHDAY!!!<br>
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parents called in the middle of me drawing and<br>
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"gave" me my gifts (they left it in the office)<br>
|
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i got a raspi5 and a cool portable monitor :DD<br>
|
|
(14:11)<br>
|
|
ok so my sister also invited me to go out to a game with them :D<br>
|
|
great day!!<br>
|
|
(23:00)<br>
|
|
we're doing dinner tomorrow instead<br>
|
|
also our team won so yey
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-13</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:06)<br>
|
|
wow, two full days without drawing or being negative on here?<br>
|
|
what am i becoming /j<br>
|
|
oh i forgot to talk about it earlier but<br>
|
|
i joined another webring, a goofy one my friend is running<br>
|
|
called the "silly ring" (you can see the badge on the homepage)<br>
|
|
obviously once i reorganize the site i'll put it somewhere else..<br>
|
|
then again most of the other ones are hardcoded to /comic..<br>
|
|
well thats a problem for future me :)<br>
|
|
(14:21)<br>
|
|
just found out my balatro save was wiped :(<br>
|
|
(14:53)<br>
|
|
this is a pretty weird year for my bday because<br>
|
|
in almost every other year its overlapped with channukah<br>
|
|
also parents not being there and not my sister either<br>
|
|
soo yeah hope it goes well<br>
|
|
(15:01)<br>
|
|
ok yk what im going to put the site redesign on hold "officially"<br>
|
|
until i get these drawings done<br>
|
|
(16:50)<br>
|
|
got my secret santa drawing done after 3 weeks of procastination<br>
|
|
(20:35)<br>
|
|
i kinda hope the redux server thinks to maybe reach out for my<br>
|
|
birthday it would be nice but im not getting my hopes up..<br>
|
|
(21:46)<br>
|
|
well due to massive indecision between me and my brother<br>
|
|
we are just now ordering wings yes at almost 10 at night<br>
|
|
at least i get my lemon pepper wings :D
|
|
(22:59)<br>
|
|
stuffed right before i havto go to bed<br>
|
|
its gonna be hard to sleep again<br>
|
|
(23:05)<br>
|
|
screw it im just gonna play my 3ds until it hits midnight<br>
|
|
like last years birthday<br>
|
|
(00:01)<br>
|
|
YIPEE BDAY TIME!!
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-12</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:51)<br>
|
|
new entry to my favorite arg just dropped<br>
|
|
todays a good day :)<br>
|
|
(13:34)<br>
|
|
just realized i didnt do any new drawings yesterday oops..<br>
|
|
(14:57)<br>
|
|
ok i found the gimmick i wanna <a href=https://www.jwz.org/>recreate</a><br>
|
|
it looks so cool!!<br>
|
|
(19:38)<br>
|
|
one plus about just me and my brother being home is a lot of<br>
|
|
takeout (even if i have to go pick it up..) pizza night!!
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-11</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:49)<br>
|
|
starting to feel more comfortable in pkrl somewhat<br>
|
|
trying to let go of my fear more<br>
|
|
the community is nice..<br>
|
|
(16:59)<br>
|
|
well the city emailed back about the volunteer thing<br>
|
|
no idea if i got it but fingers crossed<br>
|
|
(22:08)<br>
|
|
wow ok wow :D<br>
|
|
my sister came over and gave me and my brother a bday bunt cake!!<br>
|
|
and we got to have a full family meal for the first time in a<br>
|
|
while (+ her boyfriend who is awesome and also a cowboy)<br>
|
|
also parents are going out early tomorrow so its just<br>
|
|
me and my brother for a week.. i hope hes not too annoying.<br>
|
|
anyways pretty cool day
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-10</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:11)<br>
|
|
got back from therapists and instantly passed out :P<br>
|
|
if that doesnt show my sleep schedule is broked..<br>
|
|
(14:49)<br>
|
|
trying not to worryyyyy<br>
|
|
(17:55)<br>
|
|
it is so cold out rn<br>
|
|
my hands are shaking pretty bad<br>
|
|
(18:54)<br>
|
|
maybe my issue is trying to force myself into stuff i want<br>
|
|
and being jealous of people who do have that<br>
|
|
and wanting to get that quickly as a twisted way to<br>
|
|
stop the feeling of being left out quickly<br>
|
|
and that i should just try to take things slow<br>
|
|
maybe being forced out of that server was a sign to<br>
|
|
build patience and stuff and that i need to wait a<br>
|
|
substantial amount of time before trying<br>
|
|
it will hurt but this time i will change<br>
|
|
and wont hurt them again<br>
|
|
i wont<br>
|
|
(19:29)<br>
|
|
went to volunteer for some random photography thing<br>
|
|
in my city cuz parents forcing me to do something this break<br>
|
|
(20:00)<br>
|
|
oh yea i guess i didnt mention it here yet<br>
|
|
my parents arent going to be around for my birthday..<br>
|
|
i understand why but it still does suck a bit<br>
|
|
im hoping i can get a college friend to do something w/ me
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-09</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:47)<br>
|
|
i want to change the layout of my site but cant find<br>
|
|
a layout idea i like.. but im going to keep working at it<br>
|
|
(16:51)<br>
|
|
finished my drawing for them.. ended up just doing a l4d2 "poster"<br>
|
|
ill dump it into the gallery too if you want to see it<br>
|
|
we're going out to some fancy restaurant too in like 10 minutes<br>
|
|
printing out the drawing and throwing this update in real quick<br>
|
|
(19:45)<br>
|
|
dinner itself was good<br>
|
|
brother kept trying to embarrass me again like yesterday<br>
|
|
IN FRONT OF PARENTS which SUCKED and I WISH HE WOULD STOP<br>
|
|
also my sister wasnt there nobody ended up inviting them<br>
|
|
bc of how last minute the dinner was apparently<br>
|
|
he left for the store before i could give him his drawing<br>
|
|
(20:14)<br>
|
|
he liked the drawing!!<br>
|
|
(22:53)<br>
|
|
finally starting to calm down from the server disaster<br>
|
|
im a bit more confident i can really truly change<br>
|
|
and i hope i can get another chance maybe<br>
|
|
also ill try to work on the website more tomorrow..
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-08</h2>
|
|
<p>(18:14)<br>
|
|
holy piss i just noticed the "12 people on 12/6" stat<br>
|
|
who is this interested in my site??<br>
|
|
also im honestly surprised i forgot i put up a working rss<br>
|
|
feed, i assumed it was broken like the comic rss feed<br>
|
|
to be fair that feed is useful to notify when i change stuff<br>
|
|
bc (at least on my side) it re-notifies me every time i push<br>
|
|
changes so who knows and hello to the rss readers??<br>
|
|
if there are any?? also if its the server, again hi and im sorry<br>
|
|
well uh the day was wasted trying to reflash my 3ds<br>
|
|
something broke really hardd<br>
|
|
im well on my way to getting back to pokemon black tho<br>
|
|
(00:12)<br>
|
|
yes its technically tomorrow but im seperating these based<br>
|
|
on when i sleep instead of actual days and stuff :)<br>
|
|
anyways yes its the 9th now which means its my brothers bday<br>
|
|
and yes i know his is 5 days before mine..<br>
|
|
i dont know what to draw him bc most of the games he likes are<br>
|
|
like the modern shooters with gruff army guys and thats like<br>
|
|
the opposite of what i draw<br>
|
|
i tried asking him and just got teased about buge fabls again<br>
|
|
which was COOL and DIDNT make me want to HIT HIM<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
also again with the weird goatcounter numbers<br>
|
|
WHY DID 4 PEOPLE RANDOMLY DECIDE TO READ NOV 10'TH COMIC<br>
|
|
IN THE LAST *HOUR*?? It's even WEIRDER because ALL OF THE<br>
|
|
VIEWS SAY THEYRE REFFERED FROM MELONKING WHICH IS CLOSED RN<br>
|
|
NOT EVEN THE FORUM WHICH MIGHT MAKE A BIT OF SENSE<br>
|
|
the ONLY thing i can think of is someone went to the<br>
|
|
flood ring info page, went to my site for some reason, and<br>
|
|
showed a random comic page to their friends which like<br>
|
|
WHO WOULD DO THAT???<br>
|
|
also holy hell who is the one person finding my hidden writings<br>
|
|
and again why/how is the refferer melonking.net?? there is NO<br>
|
|
possible way for someone to find them there is no link anywhere<br>
|
|
its also kinda funny how im starting to maybe attract ppl from the<br>
|
|
pkrl space with the neoskitties stuff since that page is getting<br>
|
|
more viewers... maybe i should put actual effort into it.<br>
|
|
maybe at some point who knows??? maybe once the server stuff is fixed which again im sorry abt<br>
|
|
also again with this page suddenly becoming the most visited<br>
|
|
aside from the index is slightly weird and makes me wonder<br>
|
|
whos actually reading this and/or if its just rss feeds<br>
|
|
inflating the number but who knows???<br>
|
|
oh yea wait before i leave i should probably give a slight<br>
|
|
update on how im going to be doing the journal<br>
|
|
im gonna be writing it throughout the day like i did here<br>
|
|
and push it the next day<br>
|
|
so each days entries will be up the next day<br>
|
|
anyway gn ill push this tomrw along with an update to the<br>
|
|
gallery page..
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-07</h2>
|
|
<p>im still feeling guilty but im trying to move<br>
|
|
past it and im trying to legitimately improve<br>
|
|
ill maybe try to appeal in a month or so or when<br>
|
|
i actually become a better person.. i hope they give<br>
|
|
me another chance but i get if they dont<br>
|
|
ive been trying to keep up on my blogs<br>
|
|
i couldnt post much today because of the aforementioned<br>
|
|
SATURDAY TEST but ill post more tomorrow.<br>
|
|
at least my semester is officially ovvverr!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
im kinda worried about my relationship w/ bench bc like<br>
|
|
after they refriended me after the apology the conversations<br>
|
|
have been like really stilted and im running out of things to<br>
|
|
talk about and stuff it feels like theyre just tolerating me<br>
|
|
talking to them idk i hope i can figure out how to talk to people<br>
|
|
like a normal person and stuff<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
also the sudden spike in people checking this page is<br>
|
|
a bit worrying, like a fourth of the visits on my site<br>
|
|
have been on this page... redux server is that you??</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-05</h2>
|
|
<p>i think/hope that bench doesnt find me annoying<br>
|
|
uh so its almost the end of the semester which is nice<br>
|
|
and im going to have to find some excuse of a thing to do<br>
|
|
so my parents dont complain about me "doing nothing" for<br>
|
|
a month which isnt nice<br>
|
|
struggling to keep up with my personal projects<br>
|
|
(the comic and working on new stuff for this site)<br>
|
|
so idk id do pretty bad at a job<br>
|
|
that last final is still looming though</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-04</h2>
|
|
<p>well things are finally going the other way with that group<br>
|
|
they uh found the apology<br>
|
|
hopefully i never hurt them again<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
anyways ig ill talk about my real life bc i swear<br>
|
|
i have one outside of being online<br>
|
|
finals week! i have one test down, getting a 51/50 on my<br>
|
|
compsci test.. and one to go, which is on a saturday, WHY?!</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-01</h2>
|
|
<p>ok im not ok im still in pain<br>
|
|
how do you deal with guilt<br>
|
|
or like how do u fix relationship with someone<br>
|
|
please i dont want to be hated please please<br>
|
|
im sorry how do i fix this please</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-30</h2>
|
|
<p>I feel like I should write something less intense after that<br>
|
|
so I guess I'll double dip and talk about the trip..<br>
|
|
Honestly, it was pretty short. We didn't get to do too much..<br>
|
|
It was planned out so that we avoided the massive rush of<br>
|
|
Monday and Sunday, instead choosing the day before and after<br>
|
|
Thanksgiving to take advantage of the lower yield. Pretty clever,<br>
|
|
but again it didn't leave much time to hang out with family.<br>
|
|
I did get to play tennis though, which was fun until my<br>
|
|
cousin chased and hit me with a racket repeatedly.<br>
|
|
Also, we watched some movies. My mom hates <i>The princess Bride</i><br>
|
|
for some reason, but my uncles were clever and put it on<br>
|
|
before we came to the house so I got to watch some :)<br>
|
|
The cooking was fantastic, a lot of my family are really good<br>
|
|
chefs, and I'm sad we couldn't take most of it on the plane.<br>
|
|
Also, we tried to do some black friday shopping but ended up<br>
|
|
not really buying a lot. Overall, pretty alright trip.</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<details>
|
|
<summary>2024-11-30/apology</summary>
|
|
<p>Today's only the 30th by technicality, it<br>
|
|
just hit midnight 5 minutes ago. Still, I'm leaving it<br>
|
|
because it looks nicer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
So.<br>
|
|
I fucked up bad with that group.<br>
|
|
I'm writing my apology here in the extremely rare chance that<br>
|
|
one of them happens to check my site.<br>
|
|
Also, I've had some time to think about it, both literally<br>
|
|
being banned indefinitely and having very little computer<br>
|
|
access until just now because of thanksgiving travel.<br>
|
|
Maybe writing out an actual apology will help some,<br>
|
|
even if they never end up seeing it.<br>
|
|
godamnit im stalling<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bench, I'm sorry for continuing to beg for help and<br>
|
|
not understanding the boundaries you set. I was getting<br>
|
|
too emotional and scared about the new stuff, but I shouldn't<br>
|
|
have expected you to hold my hand through it. I'll continue<br>
|
|
to try writing and maybe it'll go somewhere. I just need to<br>
|
|
give it time and stop letting my anxiety about it force me<br>
|
|
to push boundaries too hard. I'm sorry for mistreating you,<br>
|
|
and if you ever do end up letting me back I promise I will<br>
|
|
be a better person and actively push myself to not repeat it<br>
|
|
again. I'm sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Allistor, I'm sorry for the message spam after what happened<br>
|
|
Again, I was too emotional, but I should've just stepped back<br>
|
|
and not done it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
To everyone else, I promise I will try to change and be a less<br>
|
|
annoying person who pushes too hard sometimes.</p>
|
|
</details>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-27</h2>
|
|
<p>it got worse<br>
|
|
it got so much worse<br>
|
|
everyone hates me<br>
|
|
banned<br>
|
|
fuck my fucking life why cant i just be normal</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-26</h2>
|
|
<p>flying out to washington tomorrow for thanksgiving<br>
|
|
also the guys seemed to be a little mad but i swear<br>
|
|
ill get better</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-24</h2>
|
|
<p>well the week timeout on one of the servers is up tomorrow<br>
|
|
i hope they dont hate me too much...<br>
|
|
the other one is still out but im trying to ask the<br>
|
|
admin to reduce it from a week and a half to just a week<br>
|
|
theyre ignoring me but that technically means its not impossible<br>
|
|
and again if *you* are reading this<br>
|
|
im sorry ok</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-22</h2>
|
|
<p>I hope the community still accepts me..<br>
|
|
i hope i can like be more integral with it<br>
|
|
and not just be like someones little brother kinda lurking around</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-21</h2>
|
|
<p>man i hate my parents sometimes<br>
|
|
"oh just get a friend in every class you<br>
|
|
should have at least one friend in every class"<br>
|
|
like i can just snap my fingers and get someone to<br>
|
|
like me?? like god im amazed i even got one friend<br>
|
|
and that was basically by accident and we still barely<br>
|
|
talk outside class and im worried its going to fall through<br>
|
|
again and if you havent noticed im terrible with all relationships<br>
|
|
the stupid putting myself down is probably just like a<br>
|
|
idk a defense mechanism because im scared of making<br>
|
|
something "bad" because i look up to so many people and<br>
|
|
so many other guys have such incredible stuff<br>
|
|
(art, websites, writing, pkrl) and it feels terrible to me<br>
|
|
because theres no way that i could do that without building<br>
|
|
up to it and that practice feels so indirect and like im making<br>
|
|
no progress and just desperately trying to chase someone else<br>
|
|
and not being able to get there before losing steam and feeling<br>
|
|
ashamed because i failed at it and idk IDK i really want to do<br>
|
|
cool stuff too and be in a group without worrying if they like me</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-20</h2>
|
|
<p>feeling completely aimless and demotivated today<br>
|
|
still trying to emotionally recover from..that<br>
|
|
tried to work on the site a little but couldnt find it in me<br>
|
|
and i probably cant do the big hsol styled remake without<br>
|
|
having a working copy because WINE BROKE IT THANKS<br>
|
|
also i havent drawn anything since that one "commision"<br>
|
|
a couple days ago<br>
|
|
maybe i should try writing random short stories and hiding<br>
|
|
it deep in the site again..</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<details>
|
|
<summary>2024-11-18</summary>
|
|
<p>how do you human without hurting people<br>
|
|
how do you even<br>
|
|
stabs of<br>
|
|
how do you<br>
|
|
its always either nothing or everything<br>
|
|
inert lack of doing fucking anything<br>
|
|
or trying so hard i fuck everything up every single fucking<br>
|
|
this is the worst i cant i cant i cantt<br>
|
|
i just<br>
|
|
jfeff im sorry im sorry im sorry<br>
|
|
why cant i<br>
|
|
i just want to<br>
|
|
i need to<br>
|
|
how do you<br>
|
|
im sorry im so sorry i<br>
|
|
th<br>
|
|
i cANT EVER<br>
|
|
FRIENDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE<br>
|
|
ITS ALWAYS EITHER NOTHING HAPPENS<br>
|
|
OR I PUSH TOO HARD AND SHATTER EVERY CHANCE EVER<br>
|
|
th<br>
|
|
im sorry im<br>
|
|
its not<br>
|
|
the<br>
|
|
im scared<br>
|
|
im scared im just an asshole who just<br>
|
|
god im sorry<br>
|
|
i just<br>
|
|
i just<br>
|
|
wanted<br>
|
|
to be<br>
|
|
included<br>
|
|
i just<br>
|
|
i know youll probably never read this<br>
|
|
but<br>
|
|
but the truth is<br>
|
|
i really find your work inspiring<br>
|
|
and like all the converging story stuff<br>
|
|
and i wanted to do that stuff too<br>
|
|
and im sorry<br>
|
|
and i know youll never read this ever<br>
|
|
you probably dont know this stupid site even exists<br>
|
|
and you probably just see me as some asswipe who<br>
|
|
cant listen to a god damn single thing<br>
|
|
and follow evven the most basic of social boundaries<br>
|
|
and maybe i am<br>
|
|
and maybe you never want to see me again<br>
|
|
but im sorry<br>
|
|
im sorry<br>
|
|
im sorryyy</p>
|
|
</details>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-16</h2>
|
|
<p>the fear of being a newbie<br>
|
|
basically if theres one thing i hate more than anything<br>
|
|
its not being able to feel proud of my work<br>
|
|
and thats the whole thing about sucking at something/<br>
|
|
doing it scared that i hate its that like i cant<br>
|
|
feel proud of it, or i feel like just like a little kid<br>
|
|
playing with their stupid legos while like the actually experienced<br>
|
|
guys go and have fun and the progress is so slow i feel like<br>
|
|
im doing it wrong but no i just have to keep making dumb stupid<br>
|
|
stuff and it feels terrible and<br>
|
|
especially with all the people who've been doing this stuff for<br>
|
|
like years like i know that normal (not insane) people look at<br>
|
|
that and are all "oh man theyve been doing it for so long<br>
|
|
of course theyre better and there was a time that they sucked<br>
|
|
too" and get motivated and stuff i wish i could be like that<br>
|
|
for me its more "oh man theyve been doing this 10 years<br>
|
|
that- i dont even know if i'll still be doing this in 10<br>
|
|
years and what if i never get that good and oh god how will i<br>
|
|
ever be able to compete with that even if i do keep at it for<br>
|
|
10 years then theyll have done it for 20!!!! and like i just<br>
|
|
wish i could like be ,more, like i didnt worry about it like<br>
|
|
a normal person like i could just go make stuff and not worry<br>
|
|
about how bad it is and feel panicked and beg people for help<br>
|
|
and make them hate me over and over and over and i could just<br>
|
|
write, or like draw, or whatever<br>
|
|
the only field that this doesnt apply to is like coding bc<br>
|
|
i have beein doing it for 10 years and stuff but like<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
i wish i could take as much pride in my own stuff as i do in theirs<br>
|
|
but like not in a stealing way</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-14</h2>
|
|
<p>doing it scared why cant i do it scared<br>
|
|
whyyyyyyyyy<br>
|
|
and the planning is just making me more stressed<br>
|
|
why is my brain like this help<br>
|
|
how do i just go<br>
|
|
i cant im just being cringy im just<br>
|
|
this whole thing will be a disaster</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-13</h2>
|
|
<p>creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)<br>
|
|
i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this<br>
|
|
I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.<br>
|
|
like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox<br>
|
|
games and a little bit webdevelopment?<br>
|
|
like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and<br>
|
|
some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make<br>
|
|
something i actually connect with in these and seeing how<br>
|
|
effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating<br>
|
|
and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats<br>
|
|
same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel<br>
|
|
like i have to make something of value but cant<br>
|
|
i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant<br>
|
|
do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-12</h2>
|
|
<p>Did you know that often, "deleting" something<br>
|
|
on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does<br>
|
|
is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer<br>
|
|
"hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite<br>
|
|
from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously<br>
|
|
why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten<br>
|
|
with data anyways?<br>
|
|
i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...<br>
|
|
like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..<br>
|
|
or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become<br>
|
|
more repressed and stuff...like me...<br>
|
|
theres something there, ok?
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-11</h2>
|
|
<p>Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused<br>
|
|
this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my<br>
|
|
watches date display turned into a table<br>
|
|
(the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)<br>
|
|
anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting<br>
|
|
to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from<br>
|
|
Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its<br>
|
|
such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
|
|
<p>art as the reflection of yourself<br>
|
|
yes i know thats a generic title but idk<br>
|
|
i really want to express myself here<br>
|
|
thoughts are hard to make clear<br>
|
|
i feel like this site really isnt me<br>
|
|
idk how to express it more</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
|
|
<p>inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why<br>
|
|
people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff<br>
|
|
not being able to see everything is frustrating though<br>
|
|
i want people to like my site<br>
|
|
whats the point of putting time into something but<br>
|
|
actively roadblocking people from seeing it??<br>
|
|
i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession<br>
|
|
with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-09</h2>
|
|
<p>I'm finally commiting to things!<br>
|
|
I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"<br>
|
|
challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel<br>
|
|
more willing to work on the website some</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
|
|
<p>i feel like every single problem i've ever<br>
|
|
had in the creative space can be boiled down<br>
|
|
into this image:<br>
|
|
<img src="/personal/gomap.png"></img><br>
|
|
like, if i could just shut the frick up and<br>
|
|
"do it scared" i could get something done but<br>
|
|
i just have to try and force someone "successful"<br>
|
|
to help when i feel like im failing and<br>
|
|
it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and<br>
|
|
ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling<br>
|
|
into the trap of making the same kind of character, or<br>
|
|
like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)<br>
|
|
i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to<br>
|
|
be more vulnerable here and this is how i am</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
|
|
<p>its really cool seeing such a wide range of<br>
|
|
states that people visit from, even if i never<br>
|
|
get to talk to them just seeing that is cool</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-04</h2>
|
|
<p>back here again, i guess<br>
|
|
being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh<br>
|
|
i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates<br>
|
|
me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time<br>
|
|
scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again<br>
|
|
or people would forget me<br>
|
|
id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly<br>
|
|
i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and<br>
|
|
deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining<br>
|
|
and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally<br>
|
|
just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read<br>
|
|
about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went<br>
|
|
online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500<br>
|
|
entries" i dont know what to do<br>
|
|
sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything<br>
|
|
happens here</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-09-30</h2>
|
|
<p>Wow, a whole month before I tore down the<br>
|
|
journal page again!! cool, huh??<br>
|
|
now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"<br>
|
|
i left the last article so i have something<br>
|
|
to reference to copy this properly<br>
|
|
these journals keep getting either<br>
|
|
too negative or fall into disuse because<br>
|
|
my life is incredibly boring besides like<br>
|
|
talking about what i did online which would<br>
|
|
make me sound like a really sad person and stuff<br>
|
|
also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again<br>
|
|
i really wish i could either be normal and not<br>
|
|
obsess over real disorders people actually deal with<br>
|
|
(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel<br>
|
|
justified in being so interested and like be able to<br>
|
|
interact with the community better and stuff and also in general<br>
|
|
not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again<br>
|
|
would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-09-26</h2>
|
|
<p>hey, im back its been a while<br>
|
|
still dealing with stuff and college<br>
|
|
idk how im feeling really</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<h2>[EXPUNGED]</h2>
|