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<h1>candys journal</h1>
<h2>basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page</h2>


<article>
        <h2>2025-02-22</h2>
        <p>(12:35)<br>
        well theres another indie game gathering thing in my area today<br>
        so ill tell yall how it goes because it starts in like a few hours<br>
        (20:46)<br>
        the thing was fun i got to see a lot of cool games<br>
        also i bought one or two :)<br>
        oh yea and seems i can just print the scanned document thats cool
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-21</h2>
        <p>(19:06)<br>
        well good news and bad news i got the math thingy done<br>
        but i accidentily threw it away because i forgot you were<br>
        supposed to scan AND hand in the paper so i may be screwed again<br>
        maybe i can print the scanned document?
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-20</h2>
        <p>(21:55)<br>
        aw frick i forgot to draw out todays comic dangit<br>
        (22:59)<br>
        the wheels of fate have been set in motion
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-19</h2>
        <p>(09:16)<br>
        it is 10 degrees out dear god<br>
        (14:19)<br>
        i may be screwed in terms of math<br>
        remember to do your homework, kids<br>
        (20:42)<br>
        well ive gotten it down to 6 left of 28<br>
        but i also cant focus anymore and also its due<br>
        friday sssssoooo disco elysum time<br>
        (00:54)<br>
        i hope i can work on the site more over the weekend maybe?<br>
        im still kinda sitting on that massive redesign for months<br>
        and not being able to keep up with all the forum msgs also sucks
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-18</h2>
        <p>(09<br>
        (13:06)<br>
        i guess i was interrupted mid writing or something<br>
        because i found a half filled timestamp? i dont<br>
        really remember doing it tho..<br>
        (20:48)<br>
        it was literally freezing and its apparently<br>
        going to be worse tomorrow...<br>
        (21:43)<br>
        geezus freaking christ<br>
        so i had to have dinner with my family as usual<br>
        and they ended up talking about politics for 45 MINUTES<br>
        and refused to let me leave even though everyone was already<br>
        done eating it was the most uncomftorable i felt this month<br>
        and they wonder why i dont like eating with them
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-17</h2>
        <p>(08:06)<br>
        i feel like im going to pass out even harder today<br>
        oh yea so it seems like there was no article written the 15th<br>
        i mislabelled the 16th as the 15th then added another 16th<br>
        because i was too tired to realize but like im just goingto<br>
        leave it like that..<br>
        oh yea so about all the broken images on the front page<br>
        its not my fault<br>
        a ton of the webrings i was using apparently had assets<br>
        on filegarden which is down<br>
        i never got why youd want to store them on another site<br>
        you literally get free storage on here, nekoweb, and any<br>
        other host provider on earth..<br>
        (12:59)<br>
        sleeping between classes definitely helped some<br>
        i dont feel like im about to die anymore<br>
        of course i still have homewordk to do and stuff<br>
        so thats just freakin great<br>
        (17:29)<br>
        parents are already arguing with my sister within<br>
        15 minutes of getting home life is just swell
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-16</h2>
        <p>(01:32)<br>
        i have a feeling some of the stuff i wrote yesterday<br>
        was supposed to be here oops :P<br>
        anyways youre probably wondering why im up so late<br>
        well sleep schedule for one but also MY FREAKIN BROTHER AGAIN<br>
        hes exhausting and keeps popping in randomly<br>
        so first they made me clean up after the dogs<br>
        which i hate doing<br>
        then gaslit me for 30 minutes about buying a bugables costume<br>
        and showing it to my parents which again they hate furries<br>
        THEN they were all "oh like what i want is what you want"<br>
        then when i tried to tell them off for that they spun it<br>
        into "oh youre trying to act all serious on me what i meant<br>
        was that what i want is in your best interest thats not an<br>
        abusive relationship at all" like????<br>
        then THEN to top it off they insulted HSOL music again,<br>
        called me "cringe" directly, and tried to force me to<br>
        come with him to the convenience store (at 1 IN THE MORNING)<br>
        thankfully i was able to at least talk him out of THAT<br>
        but im half expecting him to have not left yet and come in<br>
        and be all "oh i thought you said you were going to bed why<br>
        are you still on the computer cmon lets go to the store" god<br>
        i really wish i could talk to them about stuff without it<br>
        being thrown back into my face and also that theyd be less<br>
        demanding to do things RIGHT NOW right RIGHT NNOOWWW<br>
        (03:01)<br>
        guess who just woke me up to put the pizza box away<br>
        instead of just doing it himself
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-15</h2>
        <p>(14:17)<br>
        well absolutely nothing happened yesterday sorry<br>
        i was woken up at like 9 to do stuff by brother<br>
        fell back asleep after and now its the afternoon<br>
        i still have t do the writing prompt and a comic page<br>
        great..<br>
        (16:24)<br>
        comic down, now<br>
        ig ill shuffle my playlist and try to find something<br>
        i can write about?? still no ideas tho<br>
        (16:30)<br>
        screw it im doing a HSOL song because unlike what SOME PEOPLE<br>
        MIGTHT SAY ITS <b>NOT</b> 2000's BRAINROT AND CRINGE<br>
        (16:57)<br>
        listening to HSOL music while writing is pretty nice actually<br>
        anyways this one is like the opposite of the last one in that<br>
        the mc is like the opposite of me and idfk what i was even<br>
        alluding to with it besides the slight bashing on myself thru<br>
        projecting onto the "friend" with the stuff about jumping<br>
        projects too much but i dont I DONT KNOW<br>
        maybe the next weeks one will make more sense<br>
        yea right<br>
        no cmon have some confidence
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-14</h2>
        <p>(10:48)<br>
        i am so tired i am going to pass out the second i get home<br>
        i woke up like half an hour before i had to leave<br>
        (13:30)<br>
        im back
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-13</h2>
        <p>(20:22)<br>
        guess who was stressing about an assignment being due<br>
        only to realize it was due NEXT week oops<br>
        also valentines day is tomorrow<br>
        probably not going to do anything special..<br>
        (00:10)<br>
        happy valentines day!!<br>
        im currently in a balatro wormhole and reading forum msgs<br>
        i hope the 32b cafe guys like my submission
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-12</h2>
        <p>(11:55)<br>
        well im writing this in the computer lab<br>
        it was very rainy this morning it woke me up at 3AM<br>
        (ignore the timestamp on the last entry :P) and im still<br>
        kinda tired
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-11</h2>
        <p>(01:24)<br>
        today was about the most stock typical day ive seen<br>
        cant sleep tho<br>
        i was going to try and write this weeks writing prompt<br>
        but my brother came in and bothered me and messed with my stuff<br>
        and now i dont want to<br>
        also the prompt this time is kinda hard
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-10</h2>
        <p>(09:52)<br>
        pretty cold and windy day today, which sucks<br>
        cuz i have to be in it<br>
        (18:39)<br>
        well i passed out when i got home again<br>
        sorry bout that<br>
        my last professor just wasnt there but<br>
        i had to do tutoring for an hour anyways so<br>
        it didnt end up mattering :P<br>
        (19:02)<br>
        well i just found out someone on reddit was<br>
        so inspired by my website they ended up posting<br>
        about it bc i went to investigate the reddit refferal<br>
        links so like thats super cool :D<br>
        (00:24)<br>
        i hope the pkm server guys are doing good<br>
        and maybe that theyre thinking of me<br>
        and that im sorry
        </p>
</article>

<article>
        <h2>2025-02-09</h2>
        <p>(15:46)<br>
        well i just found out that the server i was banned from last week<br>
        uh they dont fucking care that im gone<br>
        because im "immature"<br>
        like wtf i just want to be friends with people<br>
        how does this keep happening<br>
        (00:22)<br>
        oh i ended up drawing a few ascii stuff<br>
        </p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-02-08</h2>
	<p>(13:01)<br>
	i'm finally going to work on my valentines submission for<br>
	32b cafe absolutely for sure this time<br>
  and hopefully also fix my neovim install because hoo boy<br>
  (17:57)<br>
  good news, i got nvim set up, bad news uhh<br>
  my phone wouldnt boot and i spent like an hour trying to<br>
  fix it and that threw me off enough i ended up not working on<br>
  the submission yet so ill try to do that and stuff.. also<br>
  i beat a really small idle game<br>
  (21:08)<br>
  i actually did some work and it felt great :D
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-02-07</h2>
	<p>(08:53)<br>
	ive done some stuff with my site! I added some webrings<br>
	i was sitting on and tacked on 32b cafe to the new tab page<br>
	(17:33)<br>
	apparently i was so sleep deprived i fell asleep immidietly when<br>
	i got home and just woke up so cool :> ill try to speedrun drawing<br>
	the new comic page now before i leave for coding club..
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-02-06</h2>
	<p>(21:44)<br>
	well i watched princess bride at uni it was cool i<br>
	forgot how much i loved it also i did some more hw
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-02-05</h2>
	<p>(21:42)<br>
	wtf my parents are planning to move AGAINx3???? to a ranch??<br>
	(00:21)<br>
	hiya forgot to say ill be at uni all day tomorrow sooo uh ye
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-02-04</h2>
	<p>(12:58)<br>
	the parking garage was nearly full today and i was almost<br>
	late again :P guess people wanted to drie thru the rain<br>
	(22:27)<br>
	well, i finally did one of the projects ive been putting off<br>
	i did the weekly writing thing (see the writing tab) since<br>
	they finally put up a diff prompt after 2 weeks.. it still<br>
	probably got too personal but idc i did something today<br>
	i still have to do the 32b cafe valentines thing but maybe<br>
	maybe i can do that over the weekend if i get a bolt of motivation
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-02-02</h2>
	<p>(11:23)<br>
	well i didnt end up doing any website work<br>
	but i did do a bunch of drawing so thats fun<br>
	also played more elysium
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-02-01</h2>
	<p>(17:18)<br>
	remember the clothes shopping thing last month that<br>
	never happened because of the uh... brother getting sick thing?<br>
	me neither, but i was forced to go clothes shopping for<br>
	4 HOURS and only got like 3 things so thats cool..<br>
	(22:27)<br>
	well i ended up watching the new Wicked movie (pt 1..sigh) with<br>
	my parents. it was kinda nostalgic since i watched the<br>
	original play with mom when i was little but the whole<br>
	multi part thing is annoying also the movie was fine the<br>
	new animal stuff seems kinda forced tho
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-31</h2>
	<p>(00:27)<br>
	the candy cycle strikes a-fucking-gain<br>
	not getting into it because again im trying to keep this more <b>POSITIVE</b><br>
	SO LETS JUST LEAVE IT AT "IT KEEPS HAPPENING" IM SORRY
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-29</h2>
	<p>(20:52)<br>
	WELP, I LOST ALL MY UNCOMMITED WORK HERE THATS GREAT<br>
	I MESSED UP THE MOST BASIC OF GIT COMMANDS
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-27</h2>
	<p>(08:04)<br>
	oh yea i forgot to mention one of my professors...<br>
	uses a personal website for assignment stuff??<br>
	on one hand i respect it a lot (as a web developer)<br>
	but like its literally just basic html and also<br>
	the uni personal website thing is going to be officially<br>
	deleted this summer so idk what is going on there but good luck<br>
	(16:26)<br>
	lot to talk about for once so lets get into it<br>
	riding a skateboard is NOT EASY and im glad brother wasnt there<br>
	or he wouldve made fun of me..<br>
	also i was almost late which like at this point is a tradition<br>
	every single year since ive started driving it feels like<br>
	ive been late/overslept once towards the beginning and<br>
	once towards the end idk anyway<br>
	i also like straight up passed out in class too<br>
	like lightheaded to the point i couldnt see anything for a minute<br>
	probably from running to class and also the lack of sleep yesterday<br>
	i feel fine now but it was very scary<br>
	on a more brighter note i finally bit the bullet and am<br>
	learning how to use LaTeX! its not as bad as i expected<br>
	and im gonna try and write my math notes in it
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-26</h2>
	<p>(20:23)<br>
	sister came over for dinner, idk why<br>
	the chicken was good tho<br>
	(00:27)<br>
	soo like there was a penny board (type of skateboard) in the office<br>
	brother says its not his but like...i seriously doubt either<br>
	parent would want to/be able to skateboard soo i guess its mine?<br>
	im gonna try it at uni tomorrow hopefully it wont be too bad :)<br>
	(00:48)<br>
	oh yea i finally fINNALY worked on the website a bit<br>
	i added a nifty image preview thing to the gallery<br>
	so if you wanted to look at some of that then yay
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-25</h2>
	<p>(19:17)<br>
	well i might have to use my vintage hp27o calculator for class<br>
	pretty cool
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-24</h2>
	<p>(22:34)<br>
	coding club started up again at the uni and that was fun ig<br>
	(00:51)<br>
	fk i cant write i cant
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-23</h2>
	<p>(18:41)<br>
	well my brothers forcing me to get fast food again<br>
	parents are home i hope i dont get yelled at<br>
	(21:34)<br>
	god i hate my brother so much they randomly come into the<br>
	computer room and blast their stupid tiktok videos and i<br>
	cant force them out because "ooohhh its not YOUR room its the family<br>
	computer room ooughghh" despite the fact that LITERALLY everyone else<br>
	gets their own office (brother gets to keep their computer in THEIR<br>
	room, along with the xbox, but i have to keep MINE in MY SISTERS OLD ROOM<br>
	and everyone is just allowed to WALK IN RANDOMLY and and i was in the<br>
	middle of writing and now my flow was ruined because i have to hide<br>
	it from him because he keeps looking over my shoulder and teasing me<br>
	about shit and hes LITERALLY LOOKING UP PICTURES OF HOT BUGABLES CHARACTERS<br>
	TO SHOW ME RN AND SEND HELP PLEASE I JSUT WANT TO WRITE AAAAAAAAAA<br>
	(21:48)<br>
	he just called all the music of Hypnospace Outlaw literally "2000s BRAINROT"<br>
	AND HE <b>WONDERS</b>WHY I DONT LIKE TAKING TO OR BEING AROUND HIM<br>
	EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING I LIKE IS EITHER CRINGE AND HE EITHER IGNORES<br>
	ME OR DOESNT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT OR RELENTLESSLY BRINGS IT UP IN<br>
	CONVERSATIONS ESPECIALLY AROUND MY PARENTS LIKE HE DID WITH BUG FABLES<br>
	AFTER PRESSURING ME INTO TELLING HIM ABOUT IT WHYWHYWHYWEHYYY HES STILL<br>
	HERE I MADE THIS WINDOW AS SMALL AS I COULD SO HE WOULDNT LOOK OVER MY SHOULDER<br>
	(22:07)<br>
	oh yea he also recorded me without my consent<br>
	while i was distracted "showing" him the ost
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-22</h2>
	<p>(17:27)<br>
	school is ffffine rn also<br>
	i finally have ethernet which is very cool<br>
	high speeds here i comes<br>
	idk why they put up my late grandmas computer in the office here
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-21</h2>
	<p>(08:51)<br>
	starting the new semester seems like a good time to<br>
	restart the journal for the, what, 4th time now?<br>
	i swear i promise this time it wont be so negative
	</p>
</article>

<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-14</h2>
	<p>(09:16)<br>
	uhhhmg therapy day again<br>
	(00:00)<br>
	everything is terriblr
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-10</h2>
	<p>
	(20:27)<br>
	wtf my mom gave my dad a gold star for their cooking<br>
	like actually a sticker<br>
	(21:28)<br>
	you know what screw it SCREW it im just going to ask them<br>
	either they ask someone else or they hate me forever but<br>
	i cant take this anymore<br>
	(23:14)<br>
	ok so things are starting to look up i actually got a<br>
	commision on tumbr!! somehow!! and hopefully the<br>
	situation will FINALLY, finally, be over, one way or another.
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-08</h2>
	<p>(20:05)<br>
	got a tarot deck<br>
	(00:38)<br>
	still no response<br>
	i really really wish they would just *tell me* if this whole thing is over or not<br>
	ive been worrying about this for over six weeks and<br>
	now i mightve also lost two friends for real this time on top of that i just<br>
	i want to know if its over or not this is seriously getting to me<br>
	its making it hard to sleep
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-07</h2>
	<p>(21:52)<br>
	guess what moron forgot to git pull before<br>
	filling in a thing for yesterdays article and<br>
	causing a pull conflict i love this :DDXDDDDD<br>
	(22:16)<br>
	umm bench havent responded at all today<br>
	so like i asked bench to ask the mods if i could dm and they<br>
	suddenly dropped all comms like yesterday
	crap<br>
	crapcrapcrap did i force away someone else<br>
	did they read the last entry im sorry-
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-06</h2>
	<p>(00:03)<br>
	well i spent all day cloning my computer hard drive<br>
	to the new nvme and that was exhausting<br>
	also cuz this isnt going to be cloned (im writing after)<br>
	im gonna have to do like the only git pull this repo will ever see<br>
	so thats cool ig<br>
	also still no fking response<br>
	at this point im just going to ask bench to ask a diff mod<br>
	or something bc if they havent responded in a WEEK then..
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-05</h2>
	<p>(18:27)<br>
	hi again, sorry i havent updated in a bit<br>
	to the like 2 of you who actually read this<br>
	ive been feeling a bit crushed bc of like<br>
	they still havent responded and im starting to<br>
	like panic and ive barely worked on anything in the<br>
	last couple days besides like 1 drawing and<br>
	a couple new oddish news pages bc i have to keep<br>
	something up to not fall further and stuff<br>
	im writing this more to force myself to do something
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-02</h2>
	<p>(18:16)<br>
	just noticed i forgot to push yesterdays entry in, oops<br>
	still waiting for them to respond and again the SUSPENSE
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2025-01-01</h2>
	<p>(18:52)<br>
	well, welcome to 2025!<br>
	i sent out the response but im still waiting as of now<br>
	the suspense is killing me..<br>
	i also wasted a lot of today playing balatro<br>
	im gonna try to throw together a comic page before midnight
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-31</h2>
	<p>(10:43)<br>
	well i got the ssd for channukah yesterday<br>
	but its the wrong type since apparently this computer<br>
	uses nvme and not sata so thats great<br>
	at least i could maybe use it as a backup drive?<br>
	also i got accepted into another webring if you couldnt<br>
	tell from me tacking it onto the homepage :P<br>
	(01:15)<br>
	boy am i very tired from new years stuff<br>
	2025 already, isnt that wild<br>
	well i had to go to a waiting room for 4 hours, then<br>
	a hockey game (we won), then a house party then back home<br>
	i tried to talk to people during the party and stuff but<br>
	it as you oculd guess it didnt go super well<br>
	hopefully this is the last time ill have trouble sleeping from<br>
	guilt too so thats cool and stuff
	also happy new year to you whoevers reading this :D
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-30</h2>
	<p>(18:54)<br>
	well i wrote out my apology and sent it to turtlehat<br>
	so i have someone make sure im not too emotional in it<br>
	and stuff and oh god oh god i hope it works<br>
	(21:31)<br>
	well my brother came to get me to buy food literally mid<br>
	writing the last entry and ive been driving around bc im<br>
	an idiot and couldnt find the bag of cheezits also i almost<br>
	lost my wallet so thats fffffunnnnn<br>
	(22:21)<br>
	oh yea my parents are home now and apparently we have to go<br>
	wait somewhere for like 4 hours before the game so thats..<br>
	at least ill have my computer but idk if ill update here much<br>
	also ill send the apology on jan 1 instead
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-29</h2>
	<p>(21:48)<br>
	rc car.... yay...
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-28</h2>
	<p>(06:07)<br>
	last 4 days or so!! i can do this<br>
	just reading thru melonforum stuff bc ive been avoiding it rn<br>
	(13:07)<br>
	yep here comes the passing out<br>
	(20:30)<br>
	i think im going thru a depression ive barely left my<br>
	bed the last couple days and the brainfog is heavier and<br>
	im starting to get scared of drawing and idk<br>
	im scared<br>
	(00:51)<br>
	cant sleep
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-27</h2>
	<p>(15:19)<br>
	who knew going to bed at 2 in the morning causes you to<br>
	wake up late??<br>
	ok well not technically late but i passed out like 3 times<br>
	after waking up so yea<br>
	also the thing moosky is making is going pretty well<br>
	(15:37)<br>
	forgot to add, my friend turtlehatdev (who did a couple comic pages here :D)<br>
	got to do a voiceacting role for a youtube vid!<br>
	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoI5Nvtc64U<br>
	(21:52)<br>
	i guess we're doing a late channukah parents still<br>
	havent called yet..<br>
	(22:36)<br>
	3ds battery that doesnt fit, yay<br>
	(05:28)<br>
	well i couldnt sleep again so time to take<br>
	20 naps againnn yayyy
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-26</h2>
	<p>(12:45)<br>
	well i woke up to it hailing<br>
	thats fun<br>
	(17:27)<br>
	well moosky is doing a 3d anim of my chars so thats realy cool :D<br>
	(20:33)<br>
	me and moosky spent like 3 hours fleshing out our chars lore :D<br>
	hes so cool!! ^^<br>
	(21:11)<br>
	i got a polaroid for the second night which is pretty cool<br>
	idk what to use it for tho<br>
	(23:45)<br>
	wait i forgot to push yesterdays entry didnt i???<br>
	dang it ill do it when i make tomorrows comic page..<br>
	(00:10)<br>
	goddang it my brother woke me up and made me<br>
	clean up dog pee i really dont like our dogs<br>
	(00:44)<br>
	my sleep schedule noooo
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-25</h2>
	<p>(9:42)<br>
	who knew going to bed earlier made you feel better<br>
	anyways christmas!!! i havent gotten my present yet but<br>
	its probably good!<br>
	(14:04)<br>
	well i got a headphones and a stress toy thingy<br>
	we still have 7 more nights to go tho so im excited<br>
	also the "9th day gift" of sending the appeal which<br>
	ill finally be free of this guilt ive felt over the last month<br>
	i really really really hope they accept it<br>
	and now my parents are going out again which again kinda sucs,,<br>
	(15:56)<br>
	i spent the last hour debugging those headphones<br>
	turns out the cable wasnt plugged in fully<br>
	yipeeeeeeeee<br>
	(16:29)<br>
	god i hope im not past being able to be forgiven by them<br>
	(17:40)<br>
	wel;l bench made a server 2 weeks ago<br>
	they said no for NOW but t thats also like maybe a way to maybe<br>
	show people that ive changed and stuff and that im worthy of<br>
	maybe getting another chance im SORRY im SORRY IM SORRY<br>
	(18:02)<br>
	i really hope i can get like in a friendgroup in this community<br>
	or something idk i wish i had like more interaction and like<br>
	a group to bounce stories off in our blogs or something but<br>
	it feels so impossible and asking the people who do have it<br>
	just leads to hurting them i just want to be like i just want<br>
	to matter to like a group or something and be part of a group<br>
	and stuff i dont knowwwwww<br>
	am i doing this right?? am i just never going to get there?<br>
	forcing it doesnt work but waiting feels like just giving up<br>
[snip]<br>
	but if i really want this i have to be patient and NOT force it<br>
	just stay calm and actually really respect people and ill<br>
	maybe get the chance to do collab stuff maybe after enough time<br>
	i hope<br>
	(18:44)<br>
	i really hope they are still willing to accept me i really do<br>
	(19:17)<br>
	why are social interactions so hard aaaaaa
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-24</h2>
	<p>(14:43)<br>
	well, as expected, i slept in way too hard<br>
	nothing particularly happened i just passed out a bunch<br>
	(17:13)<br>
	telling my brother about bueg fabls was one of the<br>
	worst mistakes of my life<br>
	(21:32)<br>
	moosky is so nice to me omg<br>
	(00:01)<br>
	OFFICIALLY LAST WEEK AAAA
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-23</h2>
	<p>(20:38)<br>
	another very eh day<br>
	did some more writing i guess<br>
	and also i finally actually did the photography<br>
	volunteer thing i signed up for a few weeks ago<br>
	that was fun i guess<br>
	(00:08)<br>
	oh man oh man the last week is coming<br>
	i can finally send my appeal in a week<br>
	(00:57)<br>
	yep i still cant sleep :(<br>
	(05:43)<br>
	had such a bad nightmare i dont want to go back to sleep<br>
	so... im here now hi<br>
	im dumping this in yesterdays entry bc its way too short.
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-22</h2>
	<p>(16:03)<br>
	well i played tf2 with moosky<br>
	we both kinda sucked ^^<br>
	(17:20)<br>
	gaaahhhh i need to wait until january to appeal<br>
	i need to show i have patience now<br>
	(18:30)<br>
	well we had pizza again<br>
	(22:42)<br>
	im finally starting to get real momentum i feel like in the<br>
	writing stuff!!
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-21</h2>
	<p>(14:06)<br>
	well i woke up to a bunch of anons defending me in my inbox<br>
	which was unexpected for sure<br>
	idk tho i still feel like im kinda in the wrong for like<br>
	trying to force interaction again<br>
	but at least i learned my lesson and this time it was just<br>
	sending out a few asks rather than um what happened last time<br>
	but im improving!!! somewhat!!!!!!<br>
	(23:52)<br>
	yk what i feel kinda proud of what ive done in this space<br>
	sure its not as great as what theyre doing and stuff but<br>
	i probably needed that time away from them to stop focusing<br>
	on what they were doing so heavily and just freaking do my<br>
	own thing!! and i really hope they do end up forgiving me<br>
	in the end. i really really do. ive been worrying about it<br>
	for almost a month now.<br>
	(00:07)<br>
	oh man my sleep schedule is cooked no wonder im always tired
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-20</h2>
	<p>(13:03)<br>
	hek yea i just bought a mothroach plush<br>
	(13:46)<br>
	HOLLYYYY SHIT NEW TF2 COMIC DROP IT WAS AMAZING<br>
	(17:50)<br>
	maybe im too negative sometimes<br>
	sorry to anyone whos still reading after the disaster of this month<br>
	and the last<br>
	(18:00)<br>
	you know what<br>
	its ok im not making much progress on the site<br>
	its ok im not doing much on the blog right now<br>
	it takes time
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-19</h2>
	<p>(18:15)<br>
	been in a bit of a social slump lately<br>
	barely checked discord/tumbr or the melonland forum<br>
	at least moosky and turtle are nice to talk to<br>
	and i really hope the server guys will want to talk again<br>
	also i set up my raspberry pis again and they are cool servers :D<br>
	(18:22)<br>
	oh yea i guess i didnt mention it before<br>
	parents are back but they have to go out again on christmas/channukah<br>
	tho this time theyll be back before channukahs over..<br>
	ig they have a lot of stuff to bring from my grandmas house<br>
	(19:21)<br>
	man screw this im not in the right headspace to make another comic<br>
	i dont even care if i skipped twice im drowning<br>
	(20:36)<br>
	god d a m n it why do i care so much about a stupid tubr event<br>
	im thrwoing shit at the wall and i feel terrible about it<br>
	(21:31)<br>
	okok ive calmed down a bit<br>
	im not terrible im not terrible im not terrible<br>
	as long as im not inflicting other people with it<br>
	its fine im fine<br>
	thats why i keep this blog i guess now just to dump all<br>
	my terrible thoughts instead f inflicting it on other people<br>
	(21:34)<br>
	ok so the whole problem stems from wanting to be involved<br>
	with the collaborative stuff my friends are doing<br>
	(yes bench is my friend again they forgave me and refriended)<br>
	and also feeling like im unable to do that because of all the<br>
	failures in the past so i try to reach out for help to do that<br>
	in a frantic stupid terrible ourobouros that just hurts people<br>
	but so as long as i just ignore that feeling long enough i can<br>
	maybe do something cool with them<br>
	its almost paradoxical, huh.. to do the stuff i want to i have<br>
	to give up on doing the things now and stop letting it weigh on<br>
	my mind.. yk what at least i handled it better this time i didnt<br>
	try to reach out im STILL WAITING FOR JANUARY because i really<br>
	want to show that ive changed and this time yk this time i just<br>
	calmed down offline mostly and screamed into the void (blog)<br>
	so hopefully this doesnt mean that im making no progress hopefully<br>
	i DONT WANT TO HURT THEM AGAIN NOT AGAIN THATS NOT WHAT A FRIEND DOES
	frik im going to go play some balatro to get my mind off this<br>
	(22:05)<br>
	well i won the balatro game<br>
	feeling a bit better<br>
	tho again i really hope the server accepts me again<br>
	(22:14)<br>
	maybe i cant always have a ton of interaction every day<br>
	"sometimes you need the bad moments to make the good ones better"
	(23:00)<br>
	ok im deleting a bunch from the 20:36 entry and going to bed
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-18</h2>
	<p>(14:11)<br>
	tired<br>
	(19:11)<br>
	well i tried to play some hl2 coop with moosky<br>
	turns out that the linux version is really bugged<br>
	and crashes a LOT<br>
	we might play l4d or something later tho which will be nice
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-17</h2>
	<p>(15:29)<br>
	i feel really unmotivated lately to draw stuff<br>
	sorry for missing yesterdays comic post<br>
	(22:44)<br>
	i hope the server guys are doing ok<br>
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-16</h2>
	<p>
	crepes<br>
	i got a 70 on my math final<br>
	im REALLY REALLY hoping its just the graders being stingy again<br>
	because otherwise my parents will literally kill me<br>
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-15</h2>
	<p>(15:06)<br>
	oh i forgot to update this<br>
	i was up reallllyyy late yesterday<br>
	also they did NOT reach out to me which<br>
	i kinda expected but oh well<br>
	i hope i can redeem myself in their eyes<br>
	i hope<br>
	im sorry<br>
	(23:14)<br>
	also i didnt go out to dinner tonight<br>
	maybe tomorrow hopefully
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-14</h2>
	<p>(12:45)<br>
	BIRTHDAY!!!<br>
	parents called in the middle of me drawing and<br>
	"gave" me my gifts (they left it in the office)<br>
	i got a raspi5 and a cool portable monitor :DD<br>
	(14:11)<br>
	ok so my sister also invited me to go out to a game with them :D<br>
	great day!!<br>
	(23:00)<br>
	we're doing dinner tomorrow instead<br>
	also our team won so yey
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-13</h2>
	<p>(12:06)<br>
	wow, two full days without drawing or being negative on here?<br>
	what am i becoming /j<br>
	oh i forgot to talk about it earlier but<br>
	i joined another webring, a goofy one my friend is running<br>
	called the "silly ring" (you can see the badge on the homepage)<br>
	obviously once i reorganize the site i'll put it somewhere else..<br>
	then again most of the other ones are hardcoded to /comic..<br>
	well thats a problem for future me :)<br>
	(14:21)<br>
	just found out my balatro save was wiped :(<br>
	(14:53)<br>
	this is a pretty weird year for my bday because<br>
	in almost every other year its overlapped with channukah<br>
	also parents not being there and not my sister either<br>
	soo yeah hope it goes well<br>
	(15:01)<br>
	ok yk what im going to put the site redesign on hold "officially"<br>
	until i get these drawings done<br>
	(16:50)<br>
	got my secret santa drawing done after 3 weeks of procastination<br>
	(20:35)<br>
	i kinda hope the redux server thinks to maybe reach out for my<br>
	birthday it would be nice but im not getting my hopes up..<br>
	(21:46)<br>
	well due to massive indecision between me and my brother<br>
	we are just now ordering wings yes at almost 10 at night<br>
	at least i get my lemon pepper wings :D
	(22:59)<br>
	stuffed right before i havto go to bed<br>
	its gonna be hard to sleep again<br>
	(23:05)<br>
	screw it im just gonna play my 3ds until it hits midnight<br>
	like last years birthday<br>
	(00:01)<br>
	YIPEE BDAY TIME!!
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-12</h2>
	<p>(12:51)<br>
	new entry to my favorite arg just dropped<br>
	todays a good day :)<br>
	(13:34)<br>
	just realized i didnt do any new drawings yesterday oops..<br>
	(14:57)<br>
	ok i found the gimmick i wanna <a href=https://www.jwz.org/>recreate</a><br>
	it looks so cool!!<br>
	(19:38)<br>
	one plus about just me and my brother being home is a lot of<br>
	takeout (even if i have to go pick it up..) pizza night!!
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-11</h2>
	<p>(12:49)<br>
	starting to feel more comfortable in pkrl somewhat<br>
	trying to let go of my fear more<br>
	the community is nice..<br>
	(16:59)<br>
	well the city emailed back about the volunteer thing<br>
	no idea if i got it but fingers crossed<br>
	(22:08)<br>
	wow ok wow :D<br>
	my sister came over and gave me and my brother a bday bunt cake!!<br>
	and we got to have a full family meal for the first time in a<br>
	while (+ her boyfriend who is awesome and also a cowboy)<br>
	also parents are going out early tomorrow so its just<br>
	me and my brother for a week.. i hope hes not too annoying.<br>
	anyways pretty cool day
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-10</h2>
	<p>(12:11)<br>
	got back from therapists and instantly passed out :P<br>
	if that doesnt show my sleep schedule is broked..<br>
	(14:49)<br>
	trying not to worryyyyy<br>
	(17:55)<br>
	it is so cold out rn<br>
	my hands are shaking pretty bad<br>
	(18:54)<br>
	maybe my issue is trying to force myself into stuff i want<br>
	and being jealous of people who do have that<br>
	and wanting to get that quickly as a twisted way to<br>
	stop the feeling of being left out quickly<br>
	and that i should just try to take things slow<br>
	maybe being forced out of that server was a sign to<br>
	build patience and stuff and that i need to wait a<br>
	substantial amount of time before trying<br>
	it will hurt but this time i will change<br>
	and wont hurt them again<br>
	i wont<br>
	(19:29)<br>
	went to volunteer for some random photography thing<br>
	in my city cuz parents forcing me to do something this break<br>
	(20:00)<br>
	oh yea i guess i didnt mention it here yet<br>
	my parents arent going to be around for my birthday..<br>
	i understand why but it still does suck a bit<br>
	im hoping i can get a college friend to do something w/ me
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-09</h2>
	<p>(12:47)<br>
	i want to change the layout of my site but cant find<br>
	a layout idea i like.. but im going to keep working at it<br>
	(16:51)<br>
	finished my drawing for them.. ended up just doing a l4d2 "poster"<br>
	ill dump it into the gallery too if you want to see it<br>
	we're going out to some fancy restaurant too in like 10 minutes<br>
	printing out the drawing and throwing this update in real quick<br>
	(19:45)<br>
	dinner itself was good<br>
	brother kept trying to embarrass me again like yesterday<br>
	IN FRONT OF PARENTS which SUCKED and I WISH HE WOULD STOP<br>
	also my sister wasnt there nobody ended up inviting them<br>
	bc of how last minute the dinner was apparently<br>
	he left for the store before i could give him his drawing<br>
	(20:14)<br>
	he liked the drawing!!<br>
	(22:53)<br>
	finally starting to calm down from the server disaster<br>
	im a bit more confident i can really truly change<br>
	and i hope i can get another chance maybe<br>
	also ill try to work on the website more tomorrow..
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-08</h2>
	<p>(18:14)<br>
	holy piss i just noticed the "12 people on 12/6" stat<br>
	who is this interested in my site??<br>
	also im honestly surprised i forgot i put up a working rss<br>
	feed, i assumed it was broken like the comic rss feed<br>
	to be fair that feed is useful to notify when i change stuff<br>
	bc (at least on my side) it re-notifies me every time i push<br>
	changes so who knows and hello to the rss readers??<br>
	if there are any?? also if its the server, again hi and im sorry<br>
	well uh the day was wasted trying to reflash my 3ds<br>
	something broke really hardd<br>
	im well on my way to getting back to pokemon black tho<br>
	(00:12)<br>
	yes its technically tomorrow but im seperating these based<br>
	on when i sleep instead of actual days and stuff :)<br>
	anyways yes its the 9th now which means its my brothers bday<br>
	and yes i know his is 5 days before mine..<br>
	i dont know what to draw him bc most of the games he likes are<br>
	like the modern shooters with gruff army guys and thats like<br>
	the opposite of what i draw<br>
	i tried asking him and just got teased about buge fabls again<br>
	which was COOL and DIDNT make me want to HIT HIM<br>
	<br>
	also again with the weird goatcounter numbers<br>
	WHY DID 4 PEOPLE RANDOMLY DECIDE TO READ NOV 10'TH COMIC<br>
	IN THE LAST *HOUR*?? It's even WEIRDER because ALL OF THE<br>
	VIEWS SAY THEYRE REFFERED FROM MELONKING WHICH IS CLOSED RN<br>
	NOT EVEN THE FORUM WHICH MIGHT MAKE A BIT OF SENSE<br>
	the ONLY thing i can think of is someone went to the<br>
	flood ring info page, went to my site for some reason, and<br>
	showed a random comic page to their friends which like<br>
	WHO WOULD DO THAT???<br>
	also holy hell who is the one person finding my hidden writings<br>
	and again why/how is the refferer melonking.net?? there is NO<br>
	possible way for someone to find them there is no link anywhere<br>
	its also kinda funny how im starting to maybe attract ppl from the<br>
	pkrl space with the neoskitties stuff since that page is getting<br>
	more viewers... maybe i should put actual effort into it.<br>
	maybe at some point who knows??? maybe once the server stuff is fixed which again im sorry abt<br>
	also again with this page suddenly becoming the most visited<br>
	aside from the index is slightly weird and makes me wonder<br>
	whos actually reading this and/or if its just rss feeds<br>
	inflating the number but who knows???<br>
	oh yea wait before i leave i should probably give a slight<br>
	update on how im going to be doing the journal<br>
	im gonna be writing it throughout the day like i did here<br>
	and push it the next day<br>
	so each days entries will be up the next day<br>
	anyway gn ill push this tomrw along with an update to the<br>
	gallery page..
	</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-07</h2>
	<p>im still feeling guilty but im trying to move<br>
	past it and im trying to legitimately improve<br>
	ill maybe try to appeal in a month or so or when<br>
	i actually become a better person.. i hope they give<br>
	me another chance but i get if they dont<br>
	ive been trying to keep up on my blogs<br>
	i couldnt post much today because of the aforementioned<br>
	SATURDAY TEST but ill post more tomorrow.<br>
	at least my semester is officially ovvverr!!<br>
	<br>
	im kinda worried about my relationship w/ bench bc like<br>
	after they refriended me after the apology the conversations<br>
	have been like really stilted and im running out of things to<br>
	talk about and stuff it feels like theyre just tolerating me<br>
	talking to them idk i hope i can figure out how to talk to people<br>
	like a normal person and stuff<br>
	<br>
	also the sudden spike in people checking this page is<br>
	a bit worrying, like a fourth of the visits on my site<br>
	have been on this page... redux server is that you??</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-05</h2>
	<p>i think/hope that bench doesnt find me annoying<br>
	uh so its almost the end of the semester which is nice<br>
	and im going to have to find some excuse of a thing to do<br>
	so my parents dont complain about me "doing nothing" for<br>
	a month which isnt nice<br>
	struggling to keep up with my personal projects<br>
	(the comic and working on new stuff for this site)<br>
	so idk id do pretty bad at a job<br>
	that last final is still looming though</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-04</h2>
	<p>well things are finally going the other way with that group<br>
	they uh found the apology<br>
	hopefully i never hurt them again<br>
	<br>
	anyways ig ill talk about my real life bc i swear<br>
	i have one outside of being online<br>
	finals week! i have one test down, getting a 51/50 on my<br>
	compsci test.. and one to go, which is on a saturday, WHY?!</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-12-01</h2>
	<p>ok im not ok im still in pain<br>
	how do you deal with guilt<br>
	or like how do u fix relationship with someone<br>
	please i dont want to be hated please please<br>
	im sorry how do i fix this please</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-30</h2>
	<p>I feel like I should write something less intense after that<br>
	so I guess I'll double dip and talk about the trip..<br>
	Honestly, it was pretty short. We didn't get to do too much..<br>
	It was planned out so that we avoided the massive rush of<br>
	Monday and Sunday, instead choosing the day before and after<br>
	Thanksgiving to take advantage of the lower yield. Pretty clever,<br>
	but again it didn't leave much time to hang out with family.<br>
	I did get to play tennis though, which was fun until my<br>
	cousin chased and hit me with a racket repeatedly.<br>
	Also, we watched some movies. My mom hates <i>The princess Bride</i><br>
	for some reason, but my uncles were clever and put it on<br>
	before we came to the house so I got to watch some :)<br>
	The cooking was fantastic, a lot of my family are really good<br>
	chefs, and I'm sad we couldn't take most of it on the plane.<br>
	Also, we tried to do some black friday shopping but ended up<br>
	not really buying a lot. Overall, pretty alright trip.</p>
</article>

<details>
	<summary>2024-11-30/apology</summary>
	<p>Today's only the 30th by technicality, it<br>
	just hit midnight 5 minutes ago. Still, I'm leaving it<br>
	because it looks nicer.<br>
	<br>
	So.<br>
	I fucked up bad with that group.<br>
	I'm writing my apology here in the extremely rare chance that<br>
	one of them happens to check my site.<br>
	Also, I've had some time to think about it, both literally<br>
	being banned indefinitely and having very little computer<br>
	access until just now because of thanksgiving travel.<br>
	Maybe writing out an actual apology will help some,<br>
	even if they never end up seeing it.<br>
	godamnit im stalling<br>
	<br>
	Bench, I'm sorry for continuing to beg for help and<br>
	not understanding the boundaries you set. I was getting<br>
	too emotional and scared about the new stuff, but I shouldn't<br>
	have expected you to hold my hand through it. I'll continue<br>
	to try writing and maybe it'll go somewhere. I just need to<br>
	give it time and stop letting my anxiety about it force me<br>
	to push boundaries too hard. I'm sorry for mistreating you,<br>
	and if you ever do end up letting me back I promise I will<br>
	be a better person and actively push myself to not repeat it<br>
	again. I'm sorry.<br>
	<br>
	Allistor, I'm sorry for the message spam after what happened<br>
	Again, I was too emotional, but I should've just stepped back<br>
	and not done it.<br>
	<br>
	To everyone else, I promise I will try to change and be a less<br>
	annoying person who pushes too hard sometimes.</p>
</details>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-27</h2>
	<p>it got worse<br>
	it got so much worse<br>
	everyone hates me<br>
	banned<br>
	fuck my fucking life why cant i just be normal</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-26</h2>
	<p>flying out to washington tomorrow for thanksgiving<br>
	also the guys seemed to be a little mad but i swear<br>
	ill get better</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-24</h2>
	<p>well the week timeout on one of the servers is up tomorrow<br>
	i hope they dont hate me too much...<br>
	the other one is still out but im trying to ask the<br>
	admin to reduce it from a week and a half to just a week<br>
	theyre ignoring me but that technically means its not impossible<br>
	and again if *you* are reading this<br>
	im sorry ok</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-22</h2>
	<p>I hope the community still accepts me..<br>
	i hope i can like be more integral with it<br>
	and not just be like someones little brother kinda lurking around</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-21</h2>
	<p>man i hate my parents sometimes<br>
	"oh just get a friend in every class you<br>
	should have at least one friend in every class"<br>
	like i can just snap my fingers and get someone to<br>
	like me?? like god im amazed i even got one friend<br>
	and that was basically by accident and we still barely<br>
	talk outside class and im worried its going to fall through<br>
	again and if you havent noticed im terrible with all relationships<br>
	the stupid putting myself down is probably just like a<br>
	idk a defense mechanism because im scared of making<br>
	something "bad" because i look up to so many people and<br>
	so many other guys have such incredible stuff<br>
	(art, websites, writing, pkrl) and it feels terrible to me<br>
	because theres no way that i could do that without building<br>
	up to it and that practice feels so indirect and like im making<br>
	no progress and just desperately trying to chase someone else<br>
	and not being able to get there before losing steam and feeling<br>
	ashamed because i failed at it and idk IDK i really want to do<br>
	cool stuff too and be in a group without worrying if they like me</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-20</h2>
	<p>feeling completely aimless and demotivated today<br>
	still trying to emotionally recover from..that<br>
	tried to work on the site a little but couldnt find it in me<br>
	and i probably cant do the big hsol styled remake without<br>
	having a working copy because WINE BROKE IT THANKS<br>
	also i havent drawn anything since that one "commision"<br>
	a couple days ago<br>
	maybe i should try writing random short stories and hiding<br>
	it deep in the site again..</p>
</article>

<details>
	<summary>2024-11-18</summary>
	<p>how do you human without hurting people<br>
	how do you even<br>
	stabs of<br>
	how do you<br>
	its always either nothing or everything<br>
	inert lack of doing fucking anything<br>
	or trying so hard i fuck everything up every single fucking<br>
	this is the worst i cant i cant i cantt<br>
	i just<br>
	jfeff im sorry im sorry im sorry<br>
	why cant i<br>
	i just want to<br>
	i need to<br>
	how do you<br>
	im sorry im so sorry i<br>
	th<br>
	i cANT EVER<br>
	FRIENDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE<br>
	ITS ALWAYS EITHER NOTHING HAPPENS<br>
	OR I PUSH TOO HARD AND SHATTER EVERY CHANCE EVER<br>
	th<br>
	im sorry im<br>
	its not<br>
	the<br>
	im scared<br>
	im scared im just an asshole who just<br>
	god im sorry<br>
	i just<br>
	i just<br>
	wanted<br>
	to be<br>
	included<br>
	i just<br>
	i know youll probably never read this<br>
	but<br>
	but the truth is<br>
	i really find your work inspiring<br>
	and like all the converging story stuff<br>
	and i wanted to do that stuff too<br>
	and im sorry<br>
	and i know youll never read this ever<br>
	you probably dont know this stupid site even exists<br>
	and you probably just see me as some asswipe who<br>
	cant listen to a god damn single thing<br>
	and follow evven the most basic of social boundaries<br>
	and maybe i am<br>
	and maybe you never want to see me again<br>
	but im sorry<br>
	im sorry<br>
	im sorryyy</p>
</details>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-16</h2>
	<p>the fear of being a newbie<br>
	basically if theres one thing i hate more than anything<br>
	its not being able to feel proud of my work<br>
	and thats the whole thing about sucking at something/<br>
	doing it scared that i hate its that like i cant<br>
	feel proud of it, or i feel like just like a little kid<br>
	playing with their stupid legos while like the actually experienced<br>
	guys go and have fun and the progress is so slow i feel like<br>
	im doing it wrong but no i just have to keep making dumb stupid<br>
	stuff and it feels terrible and<br>
	especially with all the people who've been doing this stuff for<br>
	like years like i know that normal (not insane) people look at<br>
	that and are all "oh man theyve been doing it for so long<br>
	of course theyre better and there was a time that they sucked<br>
	too" and get motivated and stuff i wish i could be like that<br>
	for me its more "oh man theyve been doing this 10 years<br>
	that- i dont even know if i'll still be doing this in 10<br>
	years and what if i never get that good and oh god how will i<br>
	ever be able to compete with that even if i do keep at it for<br>
	10 years then theyll have done it for 20!!!! and like i just<br>
	wish i could like be ,more, like i didnt worry about it like<br>
	a normal person like i could just go make stuff and not worry<br>
	about how bad it is and feel panicked and beg people for help<br>
	and make them hate me over and over and over and i could just<br>
	write, or like draw, or whatever<br>
	the only field that this doesnt apply to is like coding bc<br>
	i have beein doing it for 10 years and stuff but like<br>
	<br>
	i wish i could take as much pride in my own stuff as i do in theirs<br>
	but like not in a stealing way</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-14</h2>
	<p>doing it scared why cant i do it scared<br>
	whyyyyyyyyy<br>
	and the planning is just making me more stressed<br>
	why is my brain like this help<br>
	how do i just go<br>
	i cant im just being cringy im just<br>
	this whole thing will be a disaster</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-13</h2>
	<p>creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)<br>
	i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this<br>
	I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.<br>
	like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox<br>
	games and a little bit webdevelopment?<br>
	like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and<br>
	some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make<br>
	something i actually connect with in these and seeing how<br>
	effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating<br>
	and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats<br>
	same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel<br>
	like i have to make something of value but cant<br>
	i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant<br>
	do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-12</h2>
	<p>Did you know that often, "deleting" something<br>
	on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does<br>
	is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer<br>
	"hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite<br>
	from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously<br>
	why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten<br>
	with data anyways?<br>
	i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...<br>
	like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..<br>
	or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become<br>
	more repressed and stuff...like me...<br>
	theres something there, ok?
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-11</h2>
	<p>Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused<br>
	this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my<br>
	watches date display turned into a table<br>
	(the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)<br>
	anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting<br>
	to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from<br>
	Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its<br>
	such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
	<p>art as the reflection of yourself<br>
	yes i know thats a generic title but idk<br>
	i really want to express myself here<br>
	thoughts are hard to make clear<br>
	i feel like this site really isnt me<br>
	idk how to express it more</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
	<p>inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why<br>
	people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff<br>
	not being able to see everything is frustrating though<br>
	i want people to like my site<br>
	whats the point of putting time into something but<br>
	actively roadblocking people from seeing it??<br>
	i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession<br>
	with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it<br>
	<br>
	and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-09</h2>
	<p>I'm finally commiting to things!<br>
	I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"<br>
	challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel<br>
	more willing to work on the website some</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
	<p>i feel like every single problem i've ever<br>
	had in the creative space can be boiled down<br>
	into this image:<br>
	<img src="/personal/gomap.png"></img><br>
	like, if i could just shut the frick up and<br>
	"do it scared" i could get something done but<br>
	i just have to try and force someone "successful"<br>
	to help when i feel like im failing and<br>
	it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and<br>
	ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again<br>
	<br>
	for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling<br>
	into the trap of making the same kind of character, or<br>
	like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)<br>
	i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I<br>
	<br>
	im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to<br>
	be more vulnerable here and this is how i am</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
	<p>its really cool seeing such a wide range of<br>
	states that people visit from, even if i never<br>
	get to talk to them just seeing that is cool</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-11-04</h2>
	<p>back here again, i guess<br>
	being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh<br>
	i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates<br>
	me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time<br>
	scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again<br>
	or people would forget me<br>
	id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly<br>
	i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and<br>
	deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining<br>
	and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally<br>
	just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read<br>
	about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went<br>
	online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500<br>
	entries" i dont know what to do<br>
	sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything<br>
	happens here</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-09-30</h2>
	<p>Wow, a whole month before I tore down the<br>
	journal page again!! cool, huh??<br>
	now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"<br>
	i left the last article so i have something<br>
	to reference to copy this properly<br>
	these journals keep getting either<br>
	too negative or fall into disuse because<br>
	my life is incredibly boring besides like<br>
	talking about what i did online which would<br>
	make me sound like a really sad person and stuff<br>
	also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again<br>
	i really wish i could either be normal and not<br>
	obsess over real disorders people actually deal with<br>
	(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel<br>
	justified in being so interested and like be able to<br>
	interact with the community better and stuff and also in general<br>
	not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again<br>
	would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it</p>
</article>

<article>
	<h2>2024-09-26</h2>
	<p>hey, im back its been a while<br>
	still dealing with stuff and college<br>
	idk how im feeling really</p>
</article>

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