177 lines
6.9 KiB
HTML
177 lines
6.9 KiB
HTML
---
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title: vent/journal
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permalink: /journal
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---
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<a href="https://journal.miso.town/atom?url=https://abslimeware.neocities.org/journal">
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<img src="/assets/images/blinkers/rss.png" />
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RSS
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</a href><br>
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<a href="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/">
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probaby never on <img src="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/banner-kiosk.png"
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alt="The Neon Kiosk - Nightfall City">
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</a>
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<h1>candys journal</h1>
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<h2>basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page</h2>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-13</h2>
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<p>creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)<br>
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i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this<br>
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I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.<br>
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like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox<br>
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games and a little bit webdevelopment?<br>
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like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and<br>
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some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make<br>
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something i actually connect with in these and seeing how<br>
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effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating<br>
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and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats<br>
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same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel<br>
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like i have to make something of value but cant<br>
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i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant<br>
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do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-12</h2>
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<p>Did you know that often, "deleting" something<br>
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on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does<br>
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is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer<br>
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"hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite<br>
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from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously<br>
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why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten<br>
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with data anyways?<br>
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i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...<br>
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like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..<br>
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or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become<br>
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more repressed and stuff...like me...<br>
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theres something there, ok?
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-11</h2>
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<p>Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused<br>
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this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my<br>
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watches date display turned into a table<br>
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(the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)<br>
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anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting<br>
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to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from<br>
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Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its<br>
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such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
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<p>art as the reflection of yourself<br>
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yes i know thats a generic title but idk<br>
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i really want to express myself here<br>
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thoughts are hard to make clear<br>
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i feel like this site really isnt me<br>
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idk how to express it more</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
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<p>inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why<br>
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people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff<br>
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not being able to see everything is frustrating though<br>
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i want people to like my site<br>
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whats the point of putting time into something but<br>
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actively roadblocking people from seeing it??<br>
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i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession<br>
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with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it<br>
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<br>
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and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-09</h2>
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<p>I'm finally commiting to things!<br>
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I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"<br>
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challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel<br>
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more willing to work on the website some</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
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<p>i feel like every single problem i've ever<br>
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had in the creative space can be boiled down<br>
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into this image:<br>
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<img src="/personal/gomap.png"></img><br>
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like, if i could just shut the frick up and<br>
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"do it scared" i could get something done but<br>
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i just have to try and force someone "successful"<br>
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to help when i feel like im failing and<br>
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it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and<br>
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ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again<br>
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<br>
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for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling<br>
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into the trap of making the same kind of character, or<br>
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like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)<br>
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i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I<br>
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<br>
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im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to<br>
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be more vulnerable here and this is how i am</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
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<p>its really cool seeing such a wide range of<br>
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states that people visit from, even if i never<br>
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get to talk to them just seeing that is cool</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-04</h2>
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<p>back here again, i guess<br>
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being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh<br>
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i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates<br>
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me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time<br>
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scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again<br>
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or people would forget me<br>
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id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly<br>
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i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and<br>
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deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining<br>
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and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally<br>
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just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read<br>
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about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went<br>
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online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500<br>
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entries" i dont know what to do<br>
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sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything<br>
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happens here</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-09-30</h2>
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<p>Wow, a whole month before I tore down the<br>
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journal page again!! cool, huh??<br>
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now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"<br>
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i left the last article so i have something<br>
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to reference to copy this properly<br>
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these journals keep getting either<br>
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too negative or fall into disuse because<br>
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my life is incredibly boring besides like<br>
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talking about what i did online which would<br>
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make me sound like a really sad person and stuff<br>
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also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again<br>
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i really wish i could either be normal and not<br>
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obsess over real disorders people actually deal with<br>
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(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel<br>
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justified in being so interested and like be able to<br>
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interact with the community better and stuff and also in general<br>
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not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again<br>
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would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-09-26</h2>
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<p>hey, im back its been a while<br>
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still dealing with stuff and college<br>
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idk how im feeling really</p>
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</article>
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<h2>[EXPUNGED]</h2>
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