330 lines
13 KiB
HTML
330 lines
13 KiB
HTML
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title: vent/journal
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permalink: /journal
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---
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<a href="https://journal.miso.town/atom?url=https://abslimeware.neocities.org/journal">
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<img src="/assets/images/blinkers/rss.png" />
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RSS
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</a href><br>
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<a href="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/">
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probaby never on <img src="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/banner-kiosk.png"
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alt="The Neon Kiosk - Nightfall City">
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</a>
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<h1>candys journal</h1>
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<h2>basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page</h2>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-24</h2>
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<p>well the week timeout on one of the servers is up tomorrow<br>
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i hope they dont hate me too much...<br>
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the other one is still out but im trying to ask the<br>
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admin to reduce it from a week and a half to just a week<br>
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theyre ignoring me but that technically means its not impossible<br>
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and again if *you* are reading this<br>
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im sorry ok</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-22</h2>
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<p>I hope the community still accepts me..<br>
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i hope i can like be more integral with it<br>
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and not just be like someones little brother kinda lurking around</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-21</h2>
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<p>man i hate my parents sometimes<br>
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"oh just get a friend in every class you<br>
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should have at least one friend in every class"<br>
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like i can just snap my fingers and get someone to<br>
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like me?? like god im amazed i even got one friend<br>
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and that was basically by accident and we still barely<br>
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talk outside class and im worried its going to fall through<br>
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again and if you havent noticed im terrible with all relationships<br>
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the stupid putting myself down is probably just like a<br>
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idk a defense mechanism because im scared of making<br>
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something "bad" because i look up to so many people and<br>
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so many other guys have such incredible stuff<br>
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(art, websites, writing, pkrl) and it feels terrible to me<br>
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because theres no way that i could do that without building<br>
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up to it and that practice feels so indirect and like im making<br>
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no progress and just desperately trying to chase someone else<br>
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and not being able to get there before losing steam and feeling<br>
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ashamed because i failed at it and idk IDK i really want to do<br>
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cool stuff too and be in a group without worrying if they like me</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-20</h2>
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<p>feeling completely aimless and demotivated today<br>
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still trying to emotionally recover from..that<br>
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tried to work on the site a little but couldnt find it in me<br>
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and i probably cant do the big hsol styled remake without<br>
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having a working copy because WINE BROKE IT THANKS<br>
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also i havent drawn anything since that one "commision"<br>
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a couple days ago<br>
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maybe i should try writing random short stories and hiding<br>
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it deep in the site again..</p>
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</article>
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<details>
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<summary>2024-11-18</summary>
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<p>how do you human without hurting people<br>
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how do you even<br>
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stabs of<br>
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how do you<br>
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its always either nothing or everything<br>
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inert lack of doing fucking anything<br>
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or trying so hard i fuck everything up every single fucking<br>
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this is the worst i cant i cant i cantt<br>
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i just<br>
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jfeff im sorry im sorry im sorry<br>
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why cant i<br>
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i just want to<br>
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i need to<br>
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how do you<br>
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im sorry im so sorry i<br>
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th<br>
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i cANT EVER<br>
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FRIENDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE<br>
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ITS ALWAYS EITHER NOTHING HAPPENS<br>
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OR I PUSH TOO HARD AND SHATTER EVERY CHANCE EVER<br>
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th<br>
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im sorry im<br>
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its not<br>
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the<br>
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im scared<br>
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im scared im just an asshole who just<br>
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god im sorry<br>
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i just<br>
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i just<br>
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wanted<br>
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to be<br>
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included<br>
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i just<br>
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i know youll probably never read this<br>
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but<br>
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but the truth is<br>
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i really find your work inspiring<br>
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and like all the converging story stuff<br>
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and i wanted to do that stuff too<br>
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and im sorry<br>
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and i know youll never read this ever<br>
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you probably dont know this stupid site even exists<br>
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and you probably just see me as some asswipe who<br>
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cant listen to a god damn single thing<br>
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and follow evven the most basic of social boundaries<br>
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and maybe i am<br>
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and maybe you never want to see me again<br>
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but im sorry<br>
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im sorry<br>
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im sorryyy</p>
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</details>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-16</h2>
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<p>the fear of being a newbie<br>
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basically if theres one thing i hate more than anything<br>
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its not being able to feel proud of my work<br>
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and thats the whole thing about sucking at something/<br>
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doing it scared that i hate its that like i cant<br>
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feel proud of it, or i feel like just like a little kid<br>
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playing with their stupid legos while like the actually experienced<br>
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guys go and have fun and the progress is so slow i feel like<br>
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im doing it wrong but no i just have to keep making dumb stupid<br>
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stuff and it feels terrible and<br>
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especially with all the people who've been doing this stuff for<br>
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like years like i know that normal (not insane) people look at<br>
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that and are all "oh man theyve been doing it for so long<br>
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of course theyre better and there was a time that they sucked<br>
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too" and get motivated and stuff i wish i could be like that<br>
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for me its more "oh man theyve been doing this 10 years<br>
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that- i dont even know if i'll still be doing this in 10<br>
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years and what if i never get that good and oh god how will i<br>
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ever be able to compete with that even if i do keep at it for<br>
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10 years then theyll have done it for 20!!!! and like i just<br>
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wish i could like be ,more, like i didnt worry about it like<br>
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a normal person like i could just go make stuff and not worry<br>
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about how bad it is and feel panicked and beg people for help<br>
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and make them hate me over and over and over and i could just<br>
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write, or like draw, or whatever<br>
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the only field that this doesnt apply to is like coding bc<br>
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i have beein doing it for 10 years and stuff but like<br>
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<br>
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i wish i could take as much pride in my own stuff as i do in theirs<br>
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but like not in a stealing way</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-14</h2>
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<p>doing it scared why cant i do it scared<br>
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whyyyyyyyyy<br>
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and the planning is just making me more stressed<br>
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why is my brain like this help<br>
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how do i just go<br>
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i cant im just being cringy im just<br>
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this whole thing will be a disaster</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-13</h2>
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<p>creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)<br>
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i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this<br>
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I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.<br>
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like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox<br>
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games and a little bit webdevelopment?<br>
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like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and<br>
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some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make<br>
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something i actually connect with in these and seeing how<br>
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effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating<br>
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and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats<br>
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same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel<br>
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like i have to make something of value but cant<br>
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i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant<br>
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do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-12</h2>
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<p>Did you know that often, "deleting" something<br>
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on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does<br>
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is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer<br>
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"hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite<br>
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from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously<br>
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why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten<br>
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with data anyways?<br>
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i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...<br>
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like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..<br>
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or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become<br>
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more repressed and stuff...like me...<br>
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theres something there, ok?
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-11</h2>
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<p>Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused<br>
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this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my<br>
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watches date display turned into a table<br>
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(the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)<br>
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anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting<br>
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to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from<br>
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Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its<br>
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such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
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<p>art as the reflection of yourself<br>
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yes i know thats a generic title but idk<br>
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i really want to express myself here<br>
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thoughts are hard to make clear<br>
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i feel like this site really isnt me<br>
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idk how to express it more</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
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<p>inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why<br>
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people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff<br>
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not being able to see everything is frustrating though<br>
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i want people to like my site<br>
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whats the point of putting time into something but<br>
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actively roadblocking people from seeing it??<br>
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i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession<br>
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with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it<br>
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<br>
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and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-09</h2>
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<p>I'm finally commiting to things!<br>
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I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"<br>
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challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel<br>
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more willing to work on the website some</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
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<p>i feel like every single problem i've ever<br>
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had in the creative space can be boiled down<br>
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into this image:<br>
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<img src="/personal/gomap.png"></img><br>
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like, if i could just shut the frick up and<br>
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"do it scared" i could get something done but<br>
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i just have to try and force someone "successful"<br>
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to help when i feel like im failing and<br>
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it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and<br>
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ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again<br>
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<br>
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for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling<br>
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into the trap of making the same kind of character, or<br>
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like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)<br>
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i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I<br>
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<br>
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im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to<br>
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be more vulnerable here and this is how i am</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
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<p>its really cool seeing such a wide range of<br>
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states that people visit from, even if i never<br>
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get to talk to them just seeing that is cool</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-11-04</h2>
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<p>back here again, i guess<br>
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being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh<br>
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i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates<br>
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me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time<br>
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scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again<br>
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or people would forget me<br>
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id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly<br>
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i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and<br>
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deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining<br>
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and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally<br>
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just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read<br>
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about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went<br>
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online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500<br>
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entries" i dont know what to do<br>
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sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything<br>
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happens here</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-09-30</h2>
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<p>Wow, a whole month before I tore down the<br>
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journal page again!! cool, huh??<br>
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now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"<br>
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i left the last article so i have something<br>
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to reference to copy this properly<br>
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these journals keep getting either<br>
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too negative or fall into disuse because<br>
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my life is incredibly boring besides like<br>
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talking about what i did online which would<br>
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make me sound like a really sad person and stuff<br>
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also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again<br>
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i really wish i could either be normal and not<br>
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obsess over real disorders people actually deal with<br>
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(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel<br>
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justified in being so interested and like be able to<br>
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interact with the community better and stuff and also in general<br>
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not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again<br>
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would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2024-09-26</h2>
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<p>hey, im back its been a while<br>
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still dealing with stuff and college<br>
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idk how im feeling really</p>
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</article>
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<h2>[EXPUNGED]</h2>
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