comicsite/personal/journal.html
etherware-novice bdc18da73f
journ
2024-11-26 13:58:59 -06:00

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---
title: vent/journal
permalink: /journal
---
<a href="https://journal.miso.town/atom?url=https://abslimeware.neocities.org/journal">
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<h1>candys journal</h1>
<h2>basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page</h2>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-26</h2>
<p>flying out to washington tomorrow for thanksgiving<br>
also the guys seemed to be a little mad but i swear<br>
ill get better</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-24</h2>
<p>well the week timeout on one of the servers is up tomorrow<br>
i hope they dont hate me too much...<br>
the other one is still out but im trying to ask the<br>
admin to reduce it from a week and a half to just a week<br>
theyre ignoring me but that technically means its not impossible<br>
and again if *you* are reading this<br>
im sorry ok</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-22</h2>
<p>I hope the community still accepts me..<br>
i hope i can like be more integral with it<br>
and not just be like someones little brother kinda lurking around</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-21</h2>
<p>man i hate my parents sometimes<br>
"oh just get a friend in every class you<br>
should have at least one friend in every class"<br>
like i can just snap my fingers and get someone to<br>
like me?? like god im amazed i even got one friend<br>
and that was basically by accident and we still barely<br>
talk outside class and im worried its going to fall through<br>
again and if you havent noticed im terrible with all relationships<br>
the stupid putting myself down is probably just like a<br>
idk a defense mechanism because im scared of making<br>
something "bad" because i look up to so many people and<br>
so many other guys have such incredible stuff<br>
(art, websites, writing, pkrl) and it feels terrible to me<br>
because theres no way that i could do that without building<br>
up to it and that practice feels so indirect and like im making<br>
no progress and just desperately trying to chase someone else<br>
and not being able to get there before losing steam and feeling<br>
ashamed because i failed at it and idk IDK i really want to do<br>
cool stuff too and be in a group without worrying if they like me</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-20</h2>
<p>feeling completely aimless and demotivated today<br>
still trying to emotionally recover from..that<br>
tried to work on the site a little but couldnt find it in me<br>
and i probably cant do the big hsol styled remake without<br>
having a working copy because WINE BROKE IT THANKS<br>
also i havent drawn anything since that one "commision"<br>
a couple days ago<br>
maybe i should try writing random short stories and hiding<br>
it deep in the site again..</p>
</article>
<details>
<summary>2024-11-18</summary>
<p>how do you human without hurting people<br>
how do you even<br>
stabs of<br>
how do you<br>
its always either nothing or everything<br>
inert lack of doing fucking anything<br>
or trying so hard i fuck everything up every single fucking<br>
this is the worst i cant i cant i cantt<br>
i just<br>
jfeff im sorry im sorry im sorry<br>
why cant i<br>
i just want to<br>
i need to<br>
how do you<br>
im sorry im so sorry i<br>
th<br>
i cANT EVER<br>
FRIENDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE<br>
ITS ALWAYS EITHER NOTHING HAPPENS<br>
OR I PUSH TOO HARD AND SHATTER EVERY CHANCE EVER<br>
th<br>
im sorry im<br>
its not<br>
the<br>
im scared<br>
im scared im just an asshole who just<br>
god im sorry<br>
i just<br>
i just<br>
wanted<br>
to be<br>
included<br>
i just<br>
i know youll probably never read this<br>
but<br>
but the truth is<br>
i really find your work inspiring<br>
and like all the converging story stuff<br>
and i wanted to do that stuff too<br>
and im sorry<br>
and i know youll never read this ever<br>
you probably dont know this stupid site even exists<br>
and you probably just see me as some asswipe who<br>
cant listen to a god damn single thing<br>
and follow evven the most basic of social boundaries<br>
and maybe i am<br>
and maybe you never want to see me again<br>
but im sorry<br>
im sorry<br>
im sorryyy</p>
</details>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-16</h2>
<p>the fear of being a newbie<br>
basically if theres one thing i hate more than anything<br>
its not being able to feel proud of my work<br>
and thats the whole thing about sucking at something/<br>
doing it scared that i hate its that like i cant<br>
feel proud of it, or i feel like just like a little kid<br>
playing with their stupid legos while like the actually experienced<br>
guys go and have fun and the progress is so slow i feel like<br>
im doing it wrong but no i just have to keep making dumb stupid<br>
stuff and it feels terrible and<br>
especially with all the people who've been doing this stuff for<br>
like years like i know that normal (not insane) people look at<br>
that and are all "oh man theyve been doing it for so long<br>
of course theyre better and there was a time that they sucked<br>
too" and get motivated and stuff i wish i could be like that<br>
for me its more "oh man theyve been doing this 10 years<br>
that- i dont even know if i'll still be doing this in 10<br>
years and what if i never get that good and oh god how will i<br>
ever be able to compete with that even if i do keep at it for<br>
10 years then theyll have done it for 20!!!! and like i just<br>
wish i could like be ,more, like i didnt worry about it like<br>
a normal person like i could just go make stuff and not worry<br>
about how bad it is and feel panicked and beg people for help<br>
and make them hate me over and over and over and i could just<br>
write, or like draw, or whatever<br>
the only field that this doesnt apply to is like coding bc<br>
i have beein doing it for 10 years and stuff but like<br>
<br>
i wish i could take as much pride in my own stuff as i do in theirs<br>
but like not in a stealing way</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-14</h2>
<p>doing it scared why cant i do it scared<br>
whyyyyyyyyy<br>
and the planning is just making me more stressed<br>
why is my brain like this help<br>
how do i just go<br>
i cant im just being cringy im just<br>
this whole thing will be a disaster</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-13</h2>
<p>creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)<br>
i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this<br>
I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.<br>
like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox<br>
games and a little bit webdevelopment?<br>
like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and<br>
some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make<br>
something i actually connect with in these and seeing how<br>
effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating<br>
and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats<br>
same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel<br>
like i have to make something of value but cant<br>
i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant<br>
do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-12</h2>
<p>Did you know that often, "deleting" something<br>
on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does<br>
is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer<br>
"hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite<br>
from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously<br>
why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten<br>
with data anyways?<br>
i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...<br>
like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..<br>
or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become<br>
more repressed and stuff...like me...<br>
theres something there, ok?
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-11</h2>
<p>Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused<br>
this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my<br>
watches date display turned into a table<br>
(the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)<br>
anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting<br>
to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from<br>
Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its<br>
such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
<p>art as the reflection of yourself<br>
yes i know thats a generic title but idk<br>
i really want to express myself here<br>
thoughts are hard to make clear<br>
i feel like this site really isnt me<br>
idk how to express it more</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
<p>inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why<br>
people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff<br>
not being able to see everything is frustrating though<br>
i want people to like my site<br>
whats the point of putting time into something but<br>
actively roadblocking people from seeing it??<br>
i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession<br>
with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it<br>
<br>
and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-09</h2>
<p>I'm finally commiting to things!<br>
I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"<br>
challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel<br>
more willing to work on the website some</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
<p>i feel like every single problem i've ever<br>
had in the creative space can be boiled down<br>
into this image:<br>
<img src="/personal/gomap.png"></img><br>
like, if i could just shut the frick up and<br>
"do it scared" i could get something done but<br>
i just have to try and force someone "successful"<br>
to help when i feel like im failing and<br>
it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and<br>
ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again<br>
<br>
for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling<br>
into the trap of making the same kind of character, or<br>
like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)<br>
i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I<br>
<br>
im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to<br>
be more vulnerable here and this is how i am</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
<p>its really cool seeing such a wide range of<br>
states that people visit from, even if i never<br>
get to talk to them just seeing that is cool</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-04</h2>
<p>back here again, i guess<br>
being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh<br>
i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates<br>
me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time<br>
scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again<br>
or people would forget me<br>
id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly<br>
i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and<br>
deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining<br>
and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally<br>
just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read<br>
about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went<br>
online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500<br>
entries" i dont know what to do<br>
sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything<br>
happens here</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-09-30</h2>
<p>Wow, a whole month before I tore down the<br>
journal page again!! cool, huh??<br>
now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"<br>
i left the last article so i have something<br>
to reference to copy this properly<br>
these journals keep getting either<br>
too negative or fall into disuse because<br>
my life is incredibly boring besides like<br>
talking about what i did online which would<br>
make me sound like a really sad person and stuff<br>
also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again<br>
i really wish i could either be normal and not<br>
obsess over real disorders people actually deal with<br>
(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel<br>
justified in being so interested and like be able to<br>
interact with the community better and stuff and also in general<br>
not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again<br>
would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-09-26</h2>
<p>hey, im back its been a while<br>
still dealing with stuff and college<br>
idk how im feeling really</p>
</article>
<h2>[EXPUNGED]</h2>