2014 lines
72 KiB
HTML
2014 lines
72 KiB
HTML
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title: vent/journal
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permalink: /journal
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---
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<a href="https://journal.miso.town/atom?url=https://abslimeware.neocities.org/journal">
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<img src="/assets/images/blinkers/rss.png" />
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RSS
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</a href><br>
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<a href="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/">
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probaby never on <img src="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/banner-kiosk.png"
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alt="The Neon Kiosk - Nightfall City">
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</a>
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<h1>candys journal</h1>
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<h2>basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page</h2>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-30</h2>
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<p>(15:15)<br>
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i cant focus on projects sorry
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-27</h2>
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<p>(09:16)<br>
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of course i end up waking up too late to work on<br>
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a comic page before leaving for a really busy day<br>
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if theres no page until tomorrow thats why sorry<br>
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cant exactly bring my drawing pad with me..
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(13:01)<br>
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thank god there might be a curve for the midterm thats 2 less<br>
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terrible grades to worry about
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-26</h2>
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<p>(13:43)<br>
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another terrible grade (still technically passing)<br>
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i am spiraling so bad
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-25</h2>
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<p>(14:10)<br>
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now this is the pressure i was worried about when i started college<br>
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i feel crushed<br>
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(17:32)<br>
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sister invited us to dinner so thats nice?<br>
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(22:25)<br>
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we watched zoolander 2 which zoolander 1 was<br>
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one of my favorite movies so that was fun :D<br>
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also we got to hang out with her bf for a bit
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-23</h2>
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<p>(09:10)<br>
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oh hey i actually woke up early<br>
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(14:00)<br>
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nevermind i took a nap<br>
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(14:38)<br>
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threw together another comic page<br>
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(19:18)<br>
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wtf theres a test tuesday?? im soo screwed aghgfg<br>
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not againn<br>
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(12:42)<br>
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i coded a thing using a weather api<br>
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(01:36)<br>
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i will never learnnnnn
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-22</h2>
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<p>(20:36)<br>
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ok ok my brother isnt all bad its probably mostly negativity bias<br>
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he cooked some ground beef for us today<br>
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(01:01)<br>
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i hate my mind why do i get all the motivation<br>
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at 1 in the morning and can't wake up until noon??
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-21</h2>
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<p>(12:21)<br>
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well my parents left for out of town<br>
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im safe from the grades bomb for a bit longer<br>
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(14:17)<br>
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i should revive the daily oddish<br>
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maybe i could do it here, i dont want to touch tumbr again for a while
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-20</h2>
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<p>(20:15)<br>
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hello from not github!<br>
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you might not have noticed but the repo<br>
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is now hosted by the lovely guys at 32 bit cafe!<br>
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also i may soon be mirroring the site to gemini/gopher<br>
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because that seems to be the end point for a lot of nerds<br>
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(22:16)<br>
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i got bluray working time to go wild with handbrake<br>
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bunch of disks from my grandmas house
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-19</h2>
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<p>(21:15)<br>
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well, family movie night tonight we watched<br>
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legally blonde 2 it was pretty funny if kinda ridiculous<br>
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no i dont know why we watched the sequel i never saw the original
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-18</h2>
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<p>(12:34)<br>
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i did not throw up<br>
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i also took a nap after therapy<br>
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(21:51)<br>
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im so sorry about the lack of a page today<br>
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i just feel terrible again :(<br>
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(00:12)<br>
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hooolllyyy crap i just realized i forgot to push everything<br>
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here for almost a week im so sorry
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-17</h2>
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<p>(03:33)<br>
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i literally feel like im going to throw up<br>
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2 hours of sleep is not good<br>
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(this is being written on the 18th)
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-16</h2>
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<p>(18:25)<br>
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hiya sorry for the lack of updates laately<br>
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friday i was exhausted from speedrunning the homeworks<br>
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and yesterday i was mentally exhausted from preparing for the<br>
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nukes to drop of my grades<br>
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i managed to do at least a little bit in making a comic page<br>
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and the writing prompt<br>
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i still am incredibly annoyedd at my brother<br>
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so like when i went outside they then teased me for going out for<br>
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a "smoke break" which made me insanely uncomftorable and it was also<br>
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EXTREMELY hypocritical coming from /him/ and god i dont want to get into that<br>
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right freaking now
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-13</h2>
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<p>(10:27)<br>
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4 70s AND 60s OH FUCK<br>
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do you UNDERSTAND how bad this is for me<br>
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ive BARELY gotten 2 LOW SCORES AT ONCE<br>
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and NOW IVE BOMBED ALMOST EVERY SINGLE MIDTERM<br>
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i was semi joking before but now like holy shit<br>
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i might actually be murdered come spring break<br>
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or at least lose a ton of freedom<br>
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shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit<br>
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a at least i cant possibly have done bad on the CS test<br>
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i love yall<br>
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(10:46)<br>
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i feel like im going to throw up<br>
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at the VERY LEAST i somehow have a<br>
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weigthed total of 90 in the GOVT class??? so i can use that<br>
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to maybe make that grade not seem as bad...<br>
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also sidenote but i have a 550% weigted total in cs 1337<br>
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so like lmao what i guess im a super coder
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-12</h2>
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<p>(22:14)<br>
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hi so i ended up joining an animation jam thing<br>
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we're gonna animate a DHMIS thing :D
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-11</h2>
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<p>(13:49)<br>
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hi! so to celebrate beating disco elyseum, i extracted the dialogue<br>
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and made a fortune database out of it. basically, random quotes will<br>
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appear when i open the terminal now :D<br>
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ill put the script in the misc section later if i remember<br>
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im not putting the dialoge file in there for legal reasons<br>
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sorry, also its linux only because unix fortune isnt on windows<br>
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(14:56)<br>
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oh CRAP i have so many 60s and 50s crapcrapcrap<br>
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ok i might ACTUALLY be killed in a bit when they find out<br>
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at the very least my CS test today should be easy enough<br>
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but ohhh god i am dead i am so dead someone help<br>
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also apparently applying for housing for next year is postponed<br>
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due to all the storms but now im definitely going to try and apply<br>
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for that idk why i didnt go on campus before goddd its going to be<br>
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miserable when they find out oh god<br>
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(15:15)<br>
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i love yall if this is my last entry in a while<br>
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(15:30)<br>
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i feel like im in limbo now<br>
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its too early to go to the test<br>
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and too late to go do other stuff<br>
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im panicking so hard ohhh god<br>
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(15:39)<br>
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i cant focus i cant focus<br>
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(23:40)<br>
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i can barely even enjoy being on the freaking computer because<br>
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MY BROTHER KEEPS COMING IN GOD FERAKING
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-10</h2>
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<p>(20:53)<br>
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can i stop falling asleep for 3 hours after uni<br>
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i need to do my mario day comic still :(
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-09</h2>
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<p>(14:30)<br>
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of course right when im about to start working on the comic<br>
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guess who walks in but my frreaaking brother<br>
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guess im playing disco elysum until he leaves again ffs<br>
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(18:15)<br>
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i accidentily beat disco elyesum whoops<br>
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it was a very good game :)<br>
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(18:22)<br>
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FOR FUCKS SAKE HE CAME BACK RIGHT AS THE CREDITS ENDED FML<br>
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(11:33)<br>
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writing this on the spare laptop ssh'd into the computer from my room<br>
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at least brother cant follow me here usually<br>
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they wandered in and started blasting his stupid anime<br>
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and refused to turn it down a single bar<br>
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and because "ohh the computer room is a common room"<br>
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and they wont let me move the computer setup to my own room<br>
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i have to deal with him constantly<br>
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i kinda cant wait to move on campus so i dont have to deal with him anymore
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-08</h2>
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<p>(08:23)<br>
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you know what i said yesterady about it raining<br>
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youre never going to guess<br>
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what weather it is<br>
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outside<br>
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why does it keep raining during my major exams<br>
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(11:48)<br>
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im feeling pretty good about the exam<br>
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but unfortunately i came back to a (online) friend being<br>
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exposed for some.. <b>holy shit</b> bad stuff<br>
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its not anyone i mentioned here but i<br>
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hurts
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-07</h2>
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<p>(13:52)<br>
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i never seem to learn to just do my freaking hw as soon as i can<br>
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suffering in the computer lab again<br>
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and the TEST AGRUGINS<br>
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at least i have coding club today too..<br>
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(17:11)<br>
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im exhausted im so exhausted help<br>
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(20:45)<br>
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i do NOT feel good about the test at all<br>
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worst part is it was in the same room as the test i bombed last year<br>
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i remeber that day, it was raining..<br>
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im not expecting a miracle of them forgetting again either<br>
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parents are GOING to kill me so if i dont update suddenly<br>
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and i still have the test TOMORROW FML
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-06</h2>
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<p>(08:55)<br>
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seems i woke up half an hour before i had to leave AGAIN<br>
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(14:03)<br>
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thanks hiyenastrike for the free copy of helldivers??<br>
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kinda out of the blue but i guess i have to at least try it now :P<br>
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then again they also got me into elyseum so who knows..<br>
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(00:26)<br>
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im still probly screwed for that test
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-05</h2>
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<p>(20:12)<br>
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was at uni until like 5, headed home and passed out<br>
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again. at least i got about half of my math homework done<br>
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oh yea i have two math tests friday and saturday hahaah im scrweed
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-04</h2>
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<p>(05:42)<br>
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seems im only getting 3 hours of sleep tonight<br>
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MASSIVE FREAKING STORM HIT<br>
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we lost power for a couple minutes<br>
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im scared<br>
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(14:56)<br>
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the weather today has been insane<br>
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it went from storming to a beautiful 70f<br>
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to being back to all gray and very windy<br>
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i hope theres not a second storm that would SUCK to drive thru
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-03</h2>
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<p>(09:10)<br>
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didnt sleep well yesterday<br>
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its so gray out<br>
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tomorrow its going to rain<br>
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(11:35)<br>
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well turns out it rained some<br>
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thankfully i have 3 umbrellas in my car<br>
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and two in my bag<br>
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also i have a huge headache<br>
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probably from the aformentioned lack of sleep<br>
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(12:09)<br>
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i finally took the leap and installed librewolf<br>
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i just cant use firefox anymore after what happened<br>
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(12:43)<br>
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afternoon class was cancelled at least<br>
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i should still probably do SOME homework<br>
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i dont want a repeat of last week<br>
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(15:04)<br>
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well i got all 3(!!!) govt assignments and half of a cs one done<br>
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thats good enough for me im goin home<br>
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(20:33)<br>
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oh i got verified on SDF (a pubnix box) today so thats awesome :D
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-02</h2>
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<p>(21:31)<br>
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things arent bad right now but i still cant get myself to work
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-03-01</h2>
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<p>(12:58)
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of course right when i start working on my comic guess who wanders in<br>
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my freaking brother<br>
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im just goign to read some messages until he gets bored and leaves<br>
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(21:30)<br>
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well i just watched john wick 4 with my dad/brother since mom was out<br>
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it was pretty good tbh i liked the 5oak poker scene and the end with the stairs fight<br>
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tho i havent seen the other 3 so it was kinda confusing lol
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-02-28</h2>
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<p>(11:02)<br>
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well, i got the govt test back and<br>
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it was exactly a 70<br>
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i mean my parents are probably going to yell at me<br>
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but im mostly relieved i passed (even if barely)<br>
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(11:03)<br>
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also it seems the double assignment was (hopefully)<br>
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just a typo or something? bc its not there anymore<br>
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(19:31)<br>
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well i spent 5 hours finishing both homeworks due today<br>
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got home and passed out and now im late for coding club<br>
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so bye!!<br>
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(23:41)<br>
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aw frick i forgot to make todays comic sorry
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-02-27</h2>
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<p>(09:54)<br>
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i have two tests today im screwed<br>
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the test from the 25th and the weekly math one<br>
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(12:59)<br>
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ohh god here we go<br>
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(21:22)<br>
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i think i did ok..? idk<br>
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also all the resteraunts are still closed from lack of water<br>
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so thats cool<br>
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(22:22)<br>
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for some reason git isnt letting me gpg sign commits<br>
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oohhh weelll? its not like people are impersonating me
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-02-25</h2>
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<p>(14:50)
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turns out the test is canceled today because theres<br>
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some issue with there being no water on campus<br>
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so i overslept again<br>
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also i still have to do one of my classes remote in an hour<br>
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sooo yeyyy
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-02-24</h2>
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<p>(12:04)<br>
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it was a very foggy day today today<br>
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my brother would call it "silent hill weather"<br>
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the self doubt is growing<br>
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(14:05)<br>
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passed out and was woken up by a<br>
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really loud chess tournament in the other room which<br>
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is cool bc i have a class in half an hour<br>
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(15:57)<br>
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oh boy theres two assignments for nat gov this week<br>
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and if youre wondering WHY i'm in national goverment<br>
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i ran out of classes to take bc i cant take physics yet :P
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-02-23</h2>
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<p>(18:56)<br>
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got hit by a avelance of self doubt again<br>
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also i feel like the stuff on the writing page (and here) is all<br>
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either way too negative or too meandering around any point<br>
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is it seriously this hard to put any positivity into what i<br>
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put down without outright never making a proper point? am i<br>
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just this bad of a person???
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-02-22</h2>
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<p>(12:35)<br>
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well theres another indie game gathering thing in my area today<br>
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so ill tell yall how it goes because it starts in like a few hours<br>
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(20:46)<br>
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the thing was fun i got to see a lot of cool games<br>
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also i bought one or two :)<br>
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oh yea and seems i can just print the scanned document thats cool
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</p>
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</article>
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<article>
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<h2>2025-02-21</h2>
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<p>(19:06)<br>
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well good news and bad news i got the math thingy done<br>
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but i accidentily threw it away because i forgot you were<br>
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supposed to scan AND hand in the paper so i may be screwed again<br>
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maybe i can print the scanned document?
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</p>
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</article>
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|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-20</h2>
|
|
<p>(21:55)<br>
|
|
aw frick i forgot to draw out todays comic dangit<br>
|
|
(22:59)<br>
|
|
the wheels of fate have been set in motion
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-19</h2>
|
|
<p>(09:16)<br>
|
|
it is 10 degrees out dear god<br>
|
|
(14:19)<br>
|
|
i may be screwed in terms of math<br>
|
|
remember to do your homework, kids<br>
|
|
(20:42)<br>
|
|
well ive gotten it down to 6 left of 28<br>
|
|
but i also cant focus anymore and also its due<br>
|
|
friday sssssoooo disco elysum time<br>
|
|
(00:54)<br>
|
|
i hope i can work on the site more over the weekend maybe?<br>
|
|
im still kinda sitting on that massive redesign for months<br>
|
|
and not being able to keep up with all the forum msgs also sucks
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-18</h2>
|
|
<p>(09<br>
|
|
(13:06)<br>
|
|
i guess i was interrupted mid writing or something<br>
|
|
because i found a half filled timestamp? i dont<br>
|
|
really remember doing it tho..<br>
|
|
(20:48)<br>
|
|
it was literally freezing and its apparently<br>
|
|
going to be worse tomorrow...<br>
|
|
(21:43)<br>
|
|
geezus freaking christ<br>
|
|
so i had to have dinner with my family as usual<br>
|
|
and they ended up talking about politics for 45 MINUTES<br>
|
|
and refused to let me leave even though everyone was already<br>
|
|
done eating it was the most uncomftorable i felt this month<br>
|
|
and they wonder why i dont like eating with them
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-17</h2>
|
|
<p>(08:06)<br>
|
|
i feel like im going to pass out even harder today<br>
|
|
oh yea so it seems like there was no article written the 15th<br>
|
|
i mislabelled the 16th as the 15th then added another 16th<br>
|
|
because i was too tired to realize but like im just goingto<br>
|
|
leave it like that..<br>
|
|
oh yea so about all the broken images on the front page<br>
|
|
its not my fault<br>
|
|
a ton of the webrings i was using apparently had assets<br>
|
|
on filegarden which is down<br>
|
|
i never got why youd want to store them on another site<br>
|
|
you literally get free storage on here, nekoweb, and any<br>
|
|
other host provider on earth..<br>
|
|
(12:59)<br>
|
|
sleeping between classes definitely helped some<br>
|
|
i dont feel like im about to die anymore<br>
|
|
of course i still have homewordk to do and stuff<br>
|
|
so thats just freakin great<br>
|
|
(17:29)<br>
|
|
parents are already arguing with my sister within<br>
|
|
15 minutes of getting home life is just swell
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-16</h2>
|
|
<p>(01:32)<br>
|
|
i have a feeling some of the stuff i wrote yesterday<br>
|
|
was supposed to be here oops :P<br>
|
|
anyways youre probably wondering why im up so late<br>
|
|
well sleep schedule for one but also MY FREAKIN BROTHER AGAIN<br>
|
|
hes exhausting and keeps popping in randomly<br>
|
|
so first they made me clean up after the dogs<br>
|
|
which i hate doing<br>
|
|
then gaslit me for 30 minutes about buying a bugables costume<br>
|
|
and showing it to my parents which again they hate furries<br>
|
|
THEN they were all "oh like what i want is what you want"<br>
|
|
then when i tried to tell them off for that they spun it<br>
|
|
into "oh youre trying to act all serious on me what i meant<br>
|
|
was that what i want is in your best interest thats not an<br>
|
|
abusive relationship at all" like????<br>
|
|
then THEN to top it off they insulted HSOL music again,<br>
|
|
called me "cringe" directly, and tried to force me to<br>
|
|
come with him to the convenience store (at 1 IN THE MORNING)<br>
|
|
thankfully i was able to at least talk him out of THAT<br>
|
|
but im half expecting him to have not left yet and come in<br>
|
|
and be all "oh i thought you said you were going to bed why<br>
|
|
are you still on the computer cmon lets go to the store" god<br>
|
|
i really wish i could talk to them about stuff without it<br>
|
|
being thrown back into my face and also that theyd be less<br>
|
|
demanding to do things RIGHT NOW right RIGHT NNOOWWW<br>
|
|
(03:01)<br>
|
|
guess who just woke me up to put the pizza box away<br>
|
|
instead of just doing it himself
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-15</h2>
|
|
<p>(14:17)<br>
|
|
well absolutely nothing happened yesterday sorry<br>
|
|
i was woken up at like 9 to do stuff by brother<br>
|
|
fell back asleep after and now its the afternoon<br>
|
|
i still have t do the writing prompt and a comic page<br>
|
|
great..<br>
|
|
(16:24)<br>
|
|
comic down, now<br>
|
|
ig ill shuffle my playlist and try to find something<br>
|
|
i can write about?? still no ideas tho<br>
|
|
(16:30)<br>
|
|
screw it im doing a HSOL song because unlike what SOME PEOPLE<br>
|
|
MIGTHT SAY ITS <b>NOT</b> 2000's BRAINROT AND CRINGE<br>
|
|
(16:57)<br>
|
|
listening to HSOL music while writing is pretty nice actually<br>
|
|
anyways this one is like the opposite of the last one in that<br>
|
|
the mc is like the opposite of me and idfk what i was even<br>
|
|
alluding to with it besides the slight bashing on myself thru<br>
|
|
projecting onto the "friend" with the stuff about jumping<br>
|
|
projects too much but i dont I DONT KNOW<br>
|
|
maybe the next weeks one will make more sense<br>
|
|
yea right<br>
|
|
no cmon have some confidence
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-14</h2>
|
|
<p>(10:48)<br>
|
|
i am so tired i am going to pass out the second i get home<br>
|
|
i woke up like half an hour before i had to leave<br>
|
|
(13:30)<br>
|
|
im back
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-13</h2>
|
|
<p>(20:22)<br>
|
|
guess who was stressing about an assignment being due<br>
|
|
only to realize it was due NEXT week oops<br>
|
|
also valentines day is tomorrow<br>
|
|
probably not going to do anything special..<br>
|
|
(00:10)<br>
|
|
happy valentines day!!<br>
|
|
im currently in a balatro wormhole and reading forum msgs<br>
|
|
i hope the 32b cafe guys like my submission
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-12</h2>
|
|
<p>(11:55)<br>
|
|
well im writing this in the computer lab<br>
|
|
it was very rainy this morning it woke me up at 3AM<br>
|
|
(ignore the timestamp on the last entry :P) and im still<br>
|
|
kinda tired
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-11</h2>
|
|
<p>(01:24)<br>
|
|
today was about the most stock typical day ive seen<br>
|
|
cant sleep tho<br>
|
|
i was going to try and write this weeks writing prompt<br>
|
|
but my brother came in and bothered me and messed with my stuff<br>
|
|
and now i dont want to<br>
|
|
also the prompt this time is kinda hard
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-10</h2>
|
|
<p>(09:52)<br>
|
|
pretty cold and windy day today, which sucks<br>
|
|
cuz i have to be in it<br>
|
|
(18:39)<br>
|
|
well i passed out when i got home again<br>
|
|
sorry bout that<br>
|
|
my last professor just wasnt there but<br>
|
|
i had to do tutoring for an hour anyways so<br>
|
|
it didnt end up mattering :P<br>
|
|
(19:02)<br>
|
|
well i just found out someone on reddit was<br>
|
|
so inspired by my website they ended up posting<br>
|
|
about it bc i went to investigate the reddit refferal<br>
|
|
links so like thats super cool :D<br>
|
|
(00:24)<br>
|
|
i hope the pkm server guys are doing good<br>
|
|
and maybe that theyre thinking of me<br>
|
|
and that im sorry
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-09</h2>
|
|
<p>(15:46)<br>
|
|
well i just found out that the server i was banned from last week<br>
|
|
uh they dont fucking care that im gone<br>
|
|
because im "immature"<br>
|
|
like wtf i just want to be friends with people<br>
|
|
how does this keep happening<br>
|
|
(00:22)<br>
|
|
oh i ended up drawing a few ascii stuff<br>
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-08</h2>
|
|
<p>(13:01)<br>
|
|
i'm finally going to work on my valentines submission for<br>
|
|
32b cafe absolutely for sure this time<br>
|
|
and hopefully also fix my neovim install because hoo boy<br>
|
|
(17:57)<br>
|
|
good news, i got nvim set up, bad news uhh<br>
|
|
my phone wouldnt boot and i spent like an hour trying to<br>
|
|
fix it and that threw me off enough i ended up not working on<br>
|
|
the submission yet so ill try to do that and stuff.. also<br>
|
|
i beat a really small idle game<br>
|
|
(21:08)<br>
|
|
i actually did some work and it felt great :D
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-07</h2>
|
|
<p>(08:53)<br>
|
|
ive done some stuff with my site! I added some webrings<br>
|
|
i was sitting on and tacked on 32b cafe to the new tab page<br>
|
|
(17:33)<br>
|
|
apparently i was so sleep deprived i fell asleep immidietly when<br>
|
|
i got home and just woke up so cool :> ill try to speedrun drawing<br>
|
|
the new comic page now before i leave for coding club..
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-06</h2>
|
|
<p>(21:44)<br>
|
|
well i watched princess bride at uni it was cool i<br>
|
|
forgot how much i loved it also i did some more hw
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-05</h2>
|
|
<p>(21:42)<br>
|
|
wtf my parents are planning to move AGAINx3???? to a ranch??<br>
|
|
(00:21)<br>
|
|
hiya forgot to say ill be at uni all day tomorrow sooo uh ye
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-04</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:58)<br>
|
|
the parking garage was nearly full today and i was almost<br>
|
|
late again :P guess people wanted to drie thru the rain<br>
|
|
(22:27)<br>
|
|
well, i finally did one of the projects ive been putting off<br>
|
|
i did the weekly writing thing (see the writing tab) since<br>
|
|
they finally put up a diff prompt after 2 weeks.. it still<br>
|
|
probably got too personal but idc i did something today<br>
|
|
i still have to do the 32b cafe valentines thing but maybe<br>
|
|
maybe i can do that over the weekend if i get a bolt of motivation
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-02</h2>
|
|
<p>(11:23)<br>
|
|
well i didnt end up doing any website work<br>
|
|
but i did do a bunch of drawing so thats fun<br>
|
|
also played more elysium
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-02-01</h2>
|
|
<p>(17:18)<br>
|
|
remember the clothes shopping thing last month that<br>
|
|
never happened because of the uh... brother getting sick thing?<br>
|
|
me neither, but i was forced to go clothes shopping for<br>
|
|
4 HOURS and only got like 3 things so thats cool..<br>
|
|
(22:27)<br>
|
|
well i ended up watching the new Wicked movie (pt 1..sigh) with<br>
|
|
my parents. it was kinda nostalgic since i watched the<br>
|
|
original play with mom when i was little but the whole<br>
|
|
multi part thing is annoying also the movie was fine the<br>
|
|
new animal stuff seems kinda forced tho
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-31</h2>
|
|
<p>(00:27)<br>
|
|
the candy cycle strikes a-fucking-gain<br>
|
|
not getting into it because again im trying to keep this more <b>POSITIVE</b><br>
|
|
SO LETS JUST LEAVE IT AT "IT KEEPS HAPPENING" IM SORRY
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-29</h2>
|
|
<p>(20:52)<br>
|
|
WELP, I LOST ALL MY UNCOMMITED WORK HERE THATS GREAT<br>
|
|
I MESSED UP THE MOST BASIC OF GIT COMMANDS
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-27</h2>
|
|
<p>(08:04)<br>
|
|
oh yea i forgot to mention one of my professors...<br>
|
|
uses a personal website for assignment stuff??<br>
|
|
on one hand i respect it a lot (as a web developer)<br>
|
|
but like its literally just basic html and also<br>
|
|
the uni personal website thing is going to be officially<br>
|
|
deleted this summer so idk what is going on there but good luck<br>
|
|
(16:26)<br>
|
|
lot to talk about for once so lets get into it<br>
|
|
riding a skateboard is NOT EASY and im glad brother wasnt there<br>
|
|
or he wouldve made fun of me..<br>
|
|
also i was almost late which like at this point is a tradition<br>
|
|
every single year since ive started driving it feels like<br>
|
|
ive been late/overslept once towards the beginning and<br>
|
|
once towards the end idk anyway<br>
|
|
i also like straight up passed out in class too<br>
|
|
like lightheaded to the point i couldnt see anything for a minute<br>
|
|
probably from running to class and also the lack of sleep yesterday<br>
|
|
i feel fine now but it was very scary<br>
|
|
on a more brighter note i finally bit the bullet and am<br>
|
|
learning how to use LaTeX! its not as bad as i expected<br>
|
|
and im gonna try and write my math notes in it
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-26</h2>
|
|
<p>(20:23)<br>
|
|
sister came over for dinner, idk why<br>
|
|
the chicken was good tho<br>
|
|
(00:27)<br>
|
|
soo like there was a penny board (type of skateboard) in the office<br>
|
|
brother says its not his but like...i seriously doubt either<br>
|
|
parent would want to/be able to skateboard soo i guess its mine?<br>
|
|
im gonna try it at uni tomorrow hopefully it wont be too bad :)<br>
|
|
(00:48)<br>
|
|
oh yea i finally fINNALY worked on the website a bit<br>
|
|
i added a nifty image preview thing to the gallery<br>
|
|
so if you wanted to look at some of that then yay
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-25</h2>
|
|
<p>(19:17)<br>
|
|
well i might have to use my vintage hp27o calculator for class<br>
|
|
pretty cool
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-24</h2>
|
|
<p>(22:34)<br>
|
|
coding club started up again at the uni and that was fun ig<br>
|
|
(00:51)<br>
|
|
fk i cant write i cant
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-23</h2>
|
|
<p>(18:41)<br>
|
|
well my brothers forcing me to get fast food again<br>
|
|
parents are home i hope i dont get yelled at<br>
|
|
(21:34)<br>
|
|
god i hate my brother so much they randomly come into the<br>
|
|
computer room and blast their stupid tiktok videos and i<br>
|
|
cant force them out because "ooohhh its not YOUR room its the family<br>
|
|
computer room ooughghh" despite the fact that LITERALLY everyone else<br>
|
|
gets their own office (brother gets to keep their computer in THEIR<br>
|
|
room, along with the xbox, but i have to keep MINE in MY SISTERS OLD ROOM<br>
|
|
and everyone is just allowed to WALK IN RANDOMLY and and i was in the<br>
|
|
middle of writing and now my flow was ruined because i have to hide<br>
|
|
it from him because he keeps looking over my shoulder and teasing me<br>
|
|
about shit and hes LITERALLY LOOKING UP PICTURES OF HOT BUGABLES CHARACTERS<br>
|
|
TO SHOW ME RN AND SEND HELP PLEASE I JSUT WANT TO WRITE AAAAAAAAAA<br>
|
|
(21:48)<br>
|
|
he just called all the music of Hypnospace Outlaw literally "2000s BRAINROT"<br>
|
|
AND HE <b>WONDERS</b>WHY I DONT LIKE TAKING TO OR BEING AROUND HIM<br>
|
|
EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING I LIKE IS EITHER CRINGE AND HE EITHER IGNORES<br>
|
|
ME OR DOESNT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT OR RELENTLESSLY BRINGS IT UP IN<br>
|
|
CONVERSATIONS ESPECIALLY AROUND MY PARENTS LIKE HE DID WITH BUG FABLES<br>
|
|
AFTER PRESSURING ME INTO TELLING HIM ABOUT IT WHYWHYWHYWEHYYY HES STILL<br>
|
|
HERE I MADE THIS WINDOW AS SMALL AS I COULD SO HE WOULDNT LOOK OVER MY SHOULDER<br>
|
|
(22:07)<br>
|
|
oh yea he also recorded me without my consent<br>
|
|
while i was distracted "showing" him the ost
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-22</h2>
|
|
<p>(17:27)<br>
|
|
school is ffffine rn also<br>
|
|
i finally have ethernet which is very cool<br>
|
|
high speeds here i comes<br>
|
|
idk why they put up my late grandmas computer in the office here
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-21</h2>
|
|
<p>(08:51)<br>
|
|
starting the new semester seems like a good time to<br>
|
|
restart the journal for the, what, 4th time now?<br>
|
|
i swear i promise this time it wont be so negative
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-14</h2>
|
|
<p>(09:16)<br>
|
|
uhhhmg therapy day again<br>
|
|
(00:00)<br>
|
|
everything is terriblr
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-10</h2>
|
|
<p>
|
|
(20:27)<br>
|
|
wtf my mom gave my dad a gold star for their cooking<br>
|
|
like actually a sticker<br>
|
|
(21:28)<br>
|
|
you know what screw it SCREW it im just going to ask them<br>
|
|
either they ask someone else or they hate me forever but<br>
|
|
i cant take this anymore<br>
|
|
(23:14)<br>
|
|
ok so things are starting to look up i actually got a<br>
|
|
commision on tumbr!! somehow!! and hopefully the<br>
|
|
situation will FINALLY, finally, be over, one way or another.
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-08</h2>
|
|
<p>(20:05)<br>
|
|
got a tarot deck<br>
|
|
(00:38)<br>
|
|
still no response<br>
|
|
i really really wish they would just *tell me* if this whole thing is over or not<br>
|
|
ive been worrying about this for over six weeks and<br>
|
|
now i mightve also lost two friends for real this time on top of that i just<br>
|
|
i want to know if its over or not this is seriously getting to me<br>
|
|
its making it hard to sleep
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-07</h2>
|
|
<p>(21:52)<br>
|
|
guess what moron forgot to git pull before<br>
|
|
filling in a thing for yesterdays article and<br>
|
|
causing a pull conflict i love this :DDXDDDDD<br>
|
|
(22:16)<br>
|
|
umm bench havent responded at all today<br>
|
|
so like i asked bench to ask the mods if i could dm and they<br>
|
|
suddenly dropped all comms like yesterday
|
|
crap<br>
|
|
crapcrapcrap did i force away someone else<br>
|
|
did they read the last entry im sorry-
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-06</h2>
|
|
<p>(00:03)<br>
|
|
well i spent all day cloning my computer hard drive<br>
|
|
to the new nvme and that was exhausting<br>
|
|
also cuz this isnt going to be cloned (im writing after)<br>
|
|
im gonna have to do like the only git pull this repo will ever see<br>
|
|
so thats cool ig<br>
|
|
also still no fking response<br>
|
|
at this point im just going to ask bench to ask a diff mod<br>
|
|
or something bc if they havent responded in a WEEK then..
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-05</h2>
|
|
<p>(18:27)<br>
|
|
hi again, sorry i havent updated in a bit<br>
|
|
to the like 2 of you who actually read this<br>
|
|
ive been feeling a bit crushed bc of like<br>
|
|
they still havent responded and im starting to<br>
|
|
like panic and ive barely worked on anything in the<br>
|
|
last couple days besides like 1 drawing and<br>
|
|
a couple new oddish news pages bc i have to keep<br>
|
|
something up to not fall further and stuff<br>
|
|
im writing this more to force myself to do something
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-02</h2>
|
|
<p>(18:16)<br>
|
|
just noticed i forgot to push yesterdays entry in, oops<br>
|
|
still waiting for them to respond and again the SUSPENSE
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2025-01-01</h2>
|
|
<p>(18:52)<br>
|
|
well, welcome to 2025!<br>
|
|
i sent out the response but im still waiting as of now<br>
|
|
the suspense is killing me..<br>
|
|
i also wasted a lot of today playing balatro<br>
|
|
im gonna try to throw together a comic page before midnight
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-31</h2>
|
|
<p>(10:43)<br>
|
|
well i got the ssd for channukah yesterday<br>
|
|
but its the wrong type since apparently this computer<br>
|
|
uses nvme and not sata so thats great<br>
|
|
at least i could maybe use it as a backup drive?<br>
|
|
also i got accepted into another webring if you couldnt<br>
|
|
tell from me tacking it onto the homepage :P<br>
|
|
(01:15)<br>
|
|
boy am i very tired from new years stuff<br>
|
|
2025 already, isnt that wild<br>
|
|
well i had to go to a waiting room for 4 hours, then<br>
|
|
a hockey game (we won), then a house party then back home<br>
|
|
i tried to talk to people during the party and stuff but<br>
|
|
it as you oculd guess it didnt go super well<br>
|
|
hopefully this is the last time ill have trouble sleeping from<br>
|
|
guilt too so thats cool and stuff
|
|
also happy new year to you whoevers reading this :D
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-30</h2>
|
|
<p>(18:54)<br>
|
|
well i wrote out my apology and sent it to turtlehat<br>
|
|
so i have someone make sure im not too emotional in it<br>
|
|
and stuff and oh god oh god i hope it works<br>
|
|
(21:31)<br>
|
|
well my brother came to get me to buy food literally mid<br>
|
|
writing the last entry and ive been driving around bc im<br>
|
|
an idiot and couldnt find the bag of cheezits also i almost<br>
|
|
lost my wallet so thats fffffunnnnn<br>
|
|
(22:21)<br>
|
|
oh yea my parents are home now and apparently we have to go<br>
|
|
wait somewhere for like 4 hours before the game so thats..<br>
|
|
at least ill have my computer but idk if ill update here much<br>
|
|
also ill send the apology on jan 1 instead
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-29</h2>
|
|
<p>(21:48)<br>
|
|
rc car.... yay...
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-28</h2>
|
|
<p>(06:07)<br>
|
|
last 4 days or so!! i can do this<br>
|
|
just reading thru melonforum stuff bc ive been avoiding it rn<br>
|
|
(13:07)<br>
|
|
yep here comes the passing out<br>
|
|
(20:30)<br>
|
|
i think im going thru a depression ive barely left my<br>
|
|
bed the last couple days and the brainfog is heavier and<br>
|
|
im starting to get scared of drawing and idk<br>
|
|
im scared<br>
|
|
(00:51)<br>
|
|
cant sleep
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-27</h2>
|
|
<p>(15:19)<br>
|
|
who knew going to bed at 2 in the morning causes you to<br>
|
|
wake up late??<br>
|
|
ok well not technically late but i passed out like 3 times<br>
|
|
after waking up so yea<br>
|
|
also the thing moosky is making is going pretty well<br>
|
|
(15:37)<br>
|
|
forgot to add, my friend turtlehatdev (who did a couple comic pages here :D)<br>
|
|
got to do a voiceacting role for a youtube vid!<br>
|
|
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoI5Nvtc64U<br>
|
|
(21:52)<br>
|
|
i guess we're doing a late channukah parents still<br>
|
|
havent called yet..<br>
|
|
(22:36)<br>
|
|
3ds battery that doesnt fit, yay<br>
|
|
(05:28)<br>
|
|
well i couldnt sleep again so time to take<br>
|
|
20 naps againnn yayyy
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-26</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:45)<br>
|
|
well i woke up to it hailing<br>
|
|
thats fun<br>
|
|
(17:27)<br>
|
|
well moosky is doing a 3d anim of my chars so thats realy cool :D<br>
|
|
(20:33)<br>
|
|
me and moosky spent like 3 hours fleshing out our chars lore :D<br>
|
|
hes so cool!! ^^<br>
|
|
(21:11)<br>
|
|
i got a polaroid for the second night which is pretty cool<br>
|
|
idk what to use it for tho<br>
|
|
(23:45)<br>
|
|
wait i forgot to push yesterdays entry didnt i???<br>
|
|
dang it ill do it when i make tomorrows comic page..<br>
|
|
(00:10)<br>
|
|
goddang it my brother woke me up and made me<br>
|
|
clean up dog pee i really dont like our dogs<br>
|
|
(00:44)<br>
|
|
my sleep schedule noooo
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-25</h2>
|
|
<p>(9:42)<br>
|
|
who knew going to bed earlier made you feel better<br>
|
|
anyways christmas!!! i havent gotten my present yet but<br>
|
|
its probably good!<br>
|
|
(14:04)<br>
|
|
well i got a headphones and a stress toy thingy<br>
|
|
we still have 7 more nights to go tho so im excited<br>
|
|
also the "9th day gift" of sending the appeal which<br>
|
|
ill finally be free of this guilt ive felt over the last month<br>
|
|
i really really really hope they accept it<br>
|
|
and now my parents are going out again which again kinda sucs,,<br>
|
|
(15:56)<br>
|
|
i spent the last hour debugging those headphones<br>
|
|
turns out the cable wasnt plugged in fully<br>
|
|
yipeeeeeeeee<br>
|
|
(16:29)<br>
|
|
god i hope im not past being able to be forgiven by them<br>
|
|
(17:40)<br>
|
|
wel;l bench made a server 2 weeks ago<br>
|
|
they said no for NOW but t thats also like maybe a way to maybe<br>
|
|
show people that ive changed and stuff and that im worthy of<br>
|
|
maybe getting another chance im SORRY im SORRY IM SORRY<br>
|
|
(18:02)<br>
|
|
i really hope i can get like in a friendgroup in this community<br>
|
|
or something idk i wish i had like more interaction and like<br>
|
|
a group to bounce stories off in our blogs or something but<br>
|
|
it feels so impossible and asking the people who do have it<br>
|
|
just leads to hurting them i just want to be like i just want<br>
|
|
to matter to like a group or something and be part of a group<br>
|
|
and stuff i dont knowwwwww<br>
|
|
am i doing this right?? am i just never going to get there?<br>
|
|
forcing it doesnt work but waiting feels like just giving up<br>
|
|
[snip]<br>
|
|
but if i really want this i have to be patient and NOT force it<br>
|
|
just stay calm and actually really respect people and ill<br>
|
|
maybe get the chance to do collab stuff maybe after enough time<br>
|
|
i hope<br>
|
|
(18:44)<br>
|
|
i really hope they are still willing to accept me i really do<br>
|
|
(19:17)<br>
|
|
why are social interactions so hard aaaaaa
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-24</h2>
|
|
<p>(14:43)<br>
|
|
well, as expected, i slept in way too hard<br>
|
|
nothing particularly happened i just passed out a bunch<br>
|
|
(17:13)<br>
|
|
telling my brother about bueg fabls was one of the<br>
|
|
worst mistakes of my life<br>
|
|
(21:32)<br>
|
|
moosky is so nice to me omg<br>
|
|
(00:01)<br>
|
|
OFFICIALLY LAST WEEK AAAA
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-23</h2>
|
|
<p>(20:38)<br>
|
|
another very eh day<br>
|
|
did some more writing i guess<br>
|
|
and also i finally actually did the photography<br>
|
|
volunteer thing i signed up for a few weeks ago<br>
|
|
that was fun i guess<br>
|
|
(00:08)<br>
|
|
oh man oh man the last week is coming<br>
|
|
i can finally send my appeal in a week<br>
|
|
(00:57)<br>
|
|
yep i still cant sleep :(<br>
|
|
(05:43)<br>
|
|
had such a bad nightmare i dont want to go back to sleep<br>
|
|
so... im here now hi<br>
|
|
im dumping this in yesterdays entry bc its way too short.
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-22</h2>
|
|
<p>(16:03)<br>
|
|
well i played tf2 with moosky<br>
|
|
we both kinda sucked ^^<br>
|
|
(17:20)<br>
|
|
gaaahhhh i need to wait until january to appeal<br>
|
|
i need to show i have patience now<br>
|
|
(18:30)<br>
|
|
well we had pizza again<br>
|
|
(22:42)<br>
|
|
im finally starting to get real momentum i feel like in the<br>
|
|
writing stuff!!
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-21</h2>
|
|
<p>(14:06)<br>
|
|
well i woke up to a bunch of anons defending me in my inbox<br>
|
|
which was unexpected for sure<br>
|
|
idk tho i still feel like im kinda in the wrong for like<br>
|
|
trying to force interaction again<br>
|
|
but at least i learned my lesson and this time it was just<br>
|
|
sending out a few asks rather than um what happened last time<br>
|
|
but im improving!!! somewhat!!!!!!<br>
|
|
(23:52)<br>
|
|
yk what i feel kinda proud of what ive done in this space<br>
|
|
sure its not as great as what theyre doing and stuff but<br>
|
|
i probably needed that time away from them to stop focusing<br>
|
|
on what they were doing so heavily and just freaking do my<br>
|
|
own thing!! and i really hope they do end up forgiving me<br>
|
|
in the end. i really really do. ive been worrying about it<br>
|
|
for almost a month now.<br>
|
|
(00:07)<br>
|
|
oh man my sleep schedule is cooked no wonder im always tired
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-20</h2>
|
|
<p>(13:03)<br>
|
|
hek yea i just bought a mothroach plush<br>
|
|
(13:46)<br>
|
|
HOLLYYYY SHIT NEW TF2 COMIC DROP IT WAS AMAZING<br>
|
|
(17:50)<br>
|
|
maybe im too negative sometimes<br>
|
|
sorry to anyone whos still reading after the disaster of this month<br>
|
|
and the last<br>
|
|
(18:00)<br>
|
|
you know what<br>
|
|
its ok im not making much progress on the site<br>
|
|
its ok im not doing much on the blog right now<br>
|
|
it takes time
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-19</h2>
|
|
<p>(18:15)<br>
|
|
been in a bit of a social slump lately<br>
|
|
barely checked discord/tumbr or the melonland forum<br>
|
|
at least moosky and turtle are nice to talk to<br>
|
|
and i really hope the server guys will want to talk again<br>
|
|
also i set up my raspberry pis again and they are cool servers :D<br>
|
|
(18:22)<br>
|
|
oh yea i guess i didnt mention it before<br>
|
|
parents are back but they have to go out again on christmas/channukah<br>
|
|
tho this time theyll be back before channukahs over..<br>
|
|
ig they have a lot of stuff to bring from my grandmas house<br>
|
|
(19:21)<br>
|
|
man screw this im not in the right headspace to make another comic<br>
|
|
i dont even care if i skipped twice im drowning<br>
|
|
(20:36)<br>
|
|
god d a m n it why do i care so much about a stupid tubr event<br>
|
|
im thrwoing shit at the wall and i feel terrible about it<br>
|
|
(21:31)<br>
|
|
okok ive calmed down a bit<br>
|
|
im not terrible im not terrible im not terrible<br>
|
|
as long as im not inflicting other people with it<br>
|
|
its fine im fine<br>
|
|
thats why i keep this blog i guess now just to dump all<br>
|
|
my terrible thoughts instead f inflicting it on other people<br>
|
|
(21:34)<br>
|
|
ok so the whole problem stems from wanting to be involved<br>
|
|
with the collaborative stuff my friends are doing<br>
|
|
(yes bench is my friend again they forgave me and refriended)<br>
|
|
and also feeling like im unable to do that because of all the<br>
|
|
failures in the past so i try to reach out for help to do that<br>
|
|
in a frantic stupid terrible ourobouros that just hurts people<br>
|
|
but so as long as i just ignore that feeling long enough i can<br>
|
|
maybe do something cool with them<br>
|
|
its almost paradoxical, huh.. to do the stuff i want to i have<br>
|
|
to give up on doing the things now and stop letting it weigh on<br>
|
|
my mind.. yk what at least i handled it better this time i didnt<br>
|
|
try to reach out im STILL WAITING FOR JANUARY because i really<br>
|
|
want to show that ive changed and this time yk this time i just<br>
|
|
calmed down offline mostly and screamed into the void (blog)<br>
|
|
so hopefully this doesnt mean that im making no progress hopefully<br>
|
|
i DONT WANT TO HURT THEM AGAIN NOT AGAIN THATS NOT WHAT A FRIEND DOES
|
|
frik im going to go play some balatro to get my mind off this<br>
|
|
(22:05)<br>
|
|
well i won the balatro game<br>
|
|
feeling a bit better<br>
|
|
tho again i really hope the server accepts me again<br>
|
|
(22:14)<br>
|
|
maybe i cant always have a ton of interaction every day<br>
|
|
"sometimes you need the bad moments to make the good ones better"
|
|
(23:00)<br>
|
|
ok im deleting a bunch from the 20:36 entry and going to bed
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-18</h2>
|
|
<p>(14:11)<br>
|
|
tired<br>
|
|
(19:11)<br>
|
|
well i tried to play some hl2 coop with moosky<br>
|
|
turns out that the linux version is really bugged<br>
|
|
and crashes a LOT<br>
|
|
we might play l4d or something later tho which will be nice
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-17</h2>
|
|
<p>(15:29)<br>
|
|
i feel really unmotivated lately to draw stuff<br>
|
|
sorry for missing yesterdays comic post<br>
|
|
(22:44)<br>
|
|
i hope the server guys are doing ok<br>
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-16</h2>
|
|
<p>
|
|
crepes<br>
|
|
i got a 70 on my math final<br>
|
|
im REALLY REALLY hoping its just the graders being stingy again<br>
|
|
because otherwise my parents will literally kill me<br>
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-15</h2>
|
|
<p>(15:06)<br>
|
|
oh i forgot to update this<br>
|
|
i was up reallllyyy late yesterday<br>
|
|
also they did NOT reach out to me which<br>
|
|
i kinda expected but oh well<br>
|
|
i hope i can redeem myself in their eyes<br>
|
|
i hope<br>
|
|
im sorry<br>
|
|
(23:14)<br>
|
|
also i didnt go out to dinner tonight<br>
|
|
maybe tomorrow hopefully
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-14</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:45)<br>
|
|
BIRTHDAY!!!<br>
|
|
parents called in the middle of me drawing and<br>
|
|
"gave" me my gifts (they left it in the office)<br>
|
|
i got a raspi5 and a cool portable monitor :DD<br>
|
|
(14:11)<br>
|
|
ok so my sister also invited me to go out to a game with them :D<br>
|
|
great day!!<br>
|
|
(23:00)<br>
|
|
we're doing dinner tomorrow instead<br>
|
|
also our team won so yey
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-13</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:06)<br>
|
|
wow, two full days without drawing or being negative on here?<br>
|
|
what am i becoming /j<br>
|
|
oh i forgot to talk about it earlier but<br>
|
|
i joined another webring, a goofy one my friend is running<br>
|
|
called the "silly ring" (you can see the badge on the homepage)<br>
|
|
obviously once i reorganize the site i'll put it somewhere else..<br>
|
|
then again most of the other ones are hardcoded to /comic..<br>
|
|
well thats a problem for future me :)<br>
|
|
(14:21)<br>
|
|
just found out my balatro save was wiped :(<br>
|
|
(14:53)<br>
|
|
this is a pretty weird year for my bday because<br>
|
|
in almost every other year its overlapped with channukah<br>
|
|
also parents not being there and not my sister either<br>
|
|
soo yeah hope it goes well<br>
|
|
(15:01)<br>
|
|
ok yk what im going to put the site redesign on hold "officially"<br>
|
|
until i get these drawings done<br>
|
|
(16:50)<br>
|
|
got my secret santa drawing done after 3 weeks of procastination<br>
|
|
(20:35)<br>
|
|
i kinda hope the redux server thinks to maybe reach out for my<br>
|
|
birthday it would be nice but im not getting my hopes up..<br>
|
|
(21:46)<br>
|
|
well due to massive indecision between me and my brother<br>
|
|
we are just now ordering wings yes at almost 10 at night<br>
|
|
at least i get my lemon pepper wings :D
|
|
(22:59)<br>
|
|
stuffed right before i havto go to bed<br>
|
|
its gonna be hard to sleep again<br>
|
|
(23:05)<br>
|
|
screw it im just gonna play my 3ds until it hits midnight<br>
|
|
like last years birthday<br>
|
|
(00:01)<br>
|
|
YIPEE BDAY TIME!!
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-12</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:51)<br>
|
|
new entry to my favorite arg just dropped<br>
|
|
todays a good day :)<br>
|
|
(13:34)<br>
|
|
just realized i didnt do any new drawings yesterday oops..<br>
|
|
(14:57)<br>
|
|
ok i found the gimmick i wanna <a href=https://www.jwz.org/>recreate</a><br>
|
|
it looks so cool!!<br>
|
|
(19:38)<br>
|
|
one plus about just me and my brother being home is a lot of<br>
|
|
takeout (even if i have to go pick it up..) pizza night!!
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-11</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:49)<br>
|
|
starting to feel more comfortable in pkrl somewhat<br>
|
|
trying to let go of my fear more<br>
|
|
the community is nice..<br>
|
|
(16:59)<br>
|
|
well the city emailed back about the volunteer thing<br>
|
|
no idea if i got it but fingers crossed<br>
|
|
(22:08)<br>
|
|
wow ok wow :D<br>
|
|
my sister came over and gave me and my brother a bday bunt cake!!<br>
|
|
and we got to have a full family meal for the first time in a<br>
|
|
while (+ her boyfriend who is awesome and also a cowboy)<br>
|
|
also parents are going out early tomorrow so its just<br>
|
|
me and my brother for a week.. i hope hes not too annoying.<br>
|
|
anyways pretty cool day
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-10</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:11)<br>
|
|
got back from therapists and instantly passed out :P<br>
|
|
if that doesnt show my sleep schedule is broked..<br>
|
|
(14:49)<br>
|
|
trying not to worryyyyy<br>
|
|
(17:55)<br>
|
|
it is so cold out rn<br>
|
|
my hands are shaking pretty bad<br>
|
|
(18:54)<br>
|
|
maybe my issue is trying to force myself into stuff i want<br>
|
|
and being jealous of people who do have that<br>
|
|
and wanting to get that quickly as a twisted way to<br>
|
|
stop the feeling of being left out quickly<br>
|
|
and that i should just try to take things slow<br>
|
|
maybe being forced out of that server was a sign to<br>
|
|
build patience and stuff and that i need to wait a<br>
|
|
substantial amount of time before trying<br>
|
|
it will hurt but this time i will change<br>
|
|
and wont hurt them again<br>
|
|
i wont<br>
|
|
(19:29)<br>
|
|
went to volunteer for some random photography thing<br>
|
|
in my city cuz parents forcing me to do something this break<br>
|
|
(20:00)<br>
|
|
oh yea i guess i didnt mention it here yet<br>
|
|
my parents arent going to be around for my birthday..<br>
|
|
i understand why but it still does suck a bit<br>
|
|
im hoping i can get a college friend to do something w/ me
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-09</h2>
|
|
<p>(12:47)<br>
|
|
i want to change the layout of my site but cant find<br>
|
|
a layout idea i like.. but im going to keep working at it<br>
|
|
(16:51)<br>
|
|
finished my drawing for them.. ended up just doing a l4d2 "poster"<br>
|
|
ill dump it into the gallery too if you want to see it<br>
|
|
we're going out to some fancy restaurant too in like 10 minutes<br>
|
|
printing out the drawing and throwing this update in real quick<br>
|
|
(19:45)<br>
|
|
dinner itself was good<br>
|
|
brother kept trying to embarrass me again like yesterday<br>
|
|
IN FRONT OF PARENTS which SUCKED and I WISH HE WOULD STOP<br>
|
|
also my sister wasnt there nobody ended up inviting them<br>
|
|
bc of how last minute the dinner was apparently<br>
|
|
he left for the store before i could give him his drawing<br>
|
|
(20:14)<br>
|
|
he liked the drawing!!<br>
|
|
(22:53)<br>
|
|
finally starting to calm down from the server disaster<br>
|
|
im a bit more confident i can really truly change<br>
|
|
and i hope i can get another chance maybe<br>
|
|
also ill try to work on the website more tomorrow..
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-08</h2>
|
|
<p>(18:14)<br>
|
|
holy piss i just noticed the "12 people on 12/6" stat<br>
|
|
who is this interested in my site??<br>
|
|
also im honestly surprised i forgot i put up a working rss<br>
|
|
feed, i assumed it was broken like the comic rss feed<br>
|
|
to be fair that feed is useful to notify when i change stuff<br>
|
|
bc (at least on my side) it re-notifies me every time i push<br>
|
|
changes so who knows and hello to the rss readers??<br>
|
|
if there are any?? also if its the server, again hi and im sorry<br>
|
|
well uh the day was wasted trying to reflash my 3ds<br>
|
|
something broke really hardd<br>
|
|
im well on my way to getting back to pokemon black tho<br>
|
|
(00:12)<br>
|
|
yes its technically tomorrow but im seperating these based<br>
|
|
on when i sleep instead of actual days and stuff :)<br>
|
|
anyways yes its the 9th now which means its my brothers bday<br>
|
|
and yes i know his is 5 days before mine..<br>
|
|
i dont know what to draw him bc most of the games he likes are<br>
|
|
like the modern shooters with gruff army guys and thats like<br>
|
|
the opposite of what i draw<br>
|
|
i tried asking him and just got teased about buge fabls again<br>
|
|
which was COOL and DIDNT make me want to HIT HIM<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
also again with the weird goatcounter numbers<br>
|
|
WHY DID 4 PEOPLE RANDOMLY DECIDE TO READ NOV 10'TH COMIC<br>
|
|
IN THE LAST *HOUR*?? It's even WEIRDER because ALL OF THE<br>
|
|
VIEWS SAY THEYRE REFFERED FROM MELONKING WHICH IS CLOSED RN<br>
|
|
NOT EVEN THE FORUM WHICH MIGHT MAKE A BIT OF SENSE<br>
|
|
the ONLY thing i can think of is someone went to the<br>
|
|
flood ring info page, went to my site for some reason, and<br>
|
|
showed a random comic page to their friends which like<br>
|
|
WHO WOULD DO THAT???<br>
|
|
also holy hell who is the one person finding my hidden writings<br>
|
|
and again why/how is the refferer melonking.net?? there is NO<br>
|
|
possible way for someone to find them there is no link anywhere<br>
|
|
its also kinda funny how im starting to maybe attract ppl from the<br>
|
|
pkrl space with the neoskitties stuff since that page is getting<br>
|
|
more viewers... maybe i should put actual effort into it.<br>
|
|
maybe at some point who knows??? maybe once the server stuff is fixed which again im sorry abt<br>
|
|
also again with this page suddenly becoming the most visited<br>
|
|
aside from the index is slightly weird and makes me wonder<br>
|
|
whos actually reading this and/or if its just rss feeds<br>
|
|
inflating the number but who knows???<br>
|
|
oh yea wait before i leave i should probably give a slight<br>
|
|
update on how im going to be doing the journal<br>
|
|
im gonna be writing it throughout the day like i did here<br>
|
|
and push it the next day<br>
|
|
so each days entries will be up the next day<br>
|
|
anyway gn ill push this tomrw along with an update to the<br>
|
|
gallery page..
|
|
</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-07</h2>
|
|
<p>im still feeling guilty but im trying to move<br>
|
|
past it and im trying to legitimately improve<br>
|
|
ill maybe try to appeal in a month or so or when<br>
|
|
i actually become a better person.. i hope they give<br>
|
|
me another chance but i get if they dont<br>
|
|
ive been trying to keep up on my blogs<br>
|
|
i couldnt post much today because of the aforementioned<br>
|
|
SATURDAY TEST but ill post more tomorrow.<br>
|
|
at least my semester is officially ovvverr!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
im kinda worried about my relationship w/ bench bc like<br>
|
|
after they refriended me after the apology the conversations<br>
|
|
have been like really stilted and im running out of things to<br>
|
|
talk about and stuff it feels like theyre just tolerating me<br>
|
|
talking to them idk i hope i can figure out how to talk to people<br>
|
|
like a normal person and stuff<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
also the sudden spike in people checking this page is<br>
|
|
a bit worrying, like a fourth of the visits on my site<br>
|
|
have been on this page... redux server is that you??</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-05</h2>
|
|
<p>i think/hope that bench doesnt find me annoying<br>
|
|
uh so its almost the end of the semester which is nice<br>
|
|
and im going to have to find some excuse of a thing to do<br>
|
|
so my parents dont complain about me "doing nothing" for<br>
|
|
a month which isnt nice<br>
|
|
struggling to keep up with my personal projects<br>
|
|
(the comic and working on new stuff for this site)<br>
|
|
so idk id do pretty bad at a job<br>
|
|
that last final is still looming though</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-04</h2>
|
|
<p>well things are finally going the other way with that group<br>
|
|
they uh found the apology<br>
|
|
hopefully i never hurt them again<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
anyways ig ill talk about my real life bc i swear<br>
|
|
i have one outside of being online<br>
|
|
finals week! i have one test down, getting a 51/50 on my<br>
|
|
compsci test.. and one to go, which is on a saturday, WHY?!</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-12-01</h2>
|
|
<p>ok im not ok im still in pain<br>
|
|
how do you deal with guilt<br>
|
|
or like how do u fix relationship with someone<br>
|
|
please i dont want to be hated please please<br>
|
|
im sorry how do i fix this please</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-30</h2>
|
|
<p>I feel like I should write something less intense after that<br>
|
|
so I guess I'll double dip and talk about the trip..<br>
|
|
Honestly, it was pretty short. We didn't get to do too much..<br>
|
|
It was planned out so that we avoided the massive rush of<br>
|
|
Monday and Sunday, instead choosing the day before and after<br>
|
|
Thanksgiving to take advantage of the lower yield. Pretty clever,<br>
|
|
but again it didn't leave much time to hang out with family.<br>
|
|
I did get to play tennis though, which was fun until my<br>
|
|
cousin chased and hit me with a racket repeatedly.<br>
|
|
Also, we watched some movies. My mom hates <i>The princess Bride</i><br>
|
|
for some reason, but my uncles were clever and put it on<br>
|
|
before we came to the house so I got to watch some :)<br>
|
|
The cooking was fantastic, a lot of my family are really good<br>
|
|
chefs, and I'm sad we couldn't take most of it on the plane.<br>
|
|
Also, we tried to do some black friday shopping but ended up<br>
|
|
not really buying a lot. Overall, pretty alright trip.</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<details>
|
|
<summary>2024-11-30/apology</summary>
|
|
<p>Today's only the 30th by technicality, it<br>
|
|
just hit midnight 5 minutes ago. Still, I'm leaving it<br>
|
|
because it looks nicer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
So.<br>
|
|
I fucked up bad with that group.<br>
|
|
I'm writing my apology here in the extremely rare chance that<br>
|
|
one of them happens to check my site.<br>
|
|
Also, I've had some time to think about it, both literally<br>
|
|
being banned indefinitely and having very little computer<br>
|
|
access until just now because of thanksgiving travel.<br>
|
|
Maybe writing out an actual apology will help some,<br>
|
|
even if they never end up seeing it.<br>
|
|
godamnit im stalling<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Bench, I'm sorry for continuing to beg for help and<br>
|
|
not understanding the boundaries you set. I was getting<br>
|
|
too emotional and scared about the new stuff, but I shouldn't<br>
|
|
have expected you to hold my hand through it. I'll continue<br>
|
|
to try writing and maybe it'll go somewhere. I just need to<br>
|
|
give it time and stop letting my anxiety about it force me<br>
|
|
to push boundaries too hard. I'm sorry for mistreating you,<br>
|
|
and if you ever do end up letting me back I promise I will<br>
|
|
be a better person and actively push myself to not repeat it<br>
|
|
again. I'm sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Allistor, I'm sorry for the message spam after what happened<br>
|
|
Again, I was too emotional, but I should've just stepped back<br>
|
|
and not done it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
To everyone else, I promise I will try to change and be a less<br>
|
|
annoying person who pushes too hard sometimes.</p>
|
|
</details>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-27</h2>
|
|
<p>it got worse<br>
|
|
it got so much worse<br>
|
|
everyone hates me<br>
|
|
banned<br>
|
|
fuck my fucking life why cant i just be normal</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-26</h2>
|
|
<p>flying out to washington tomorrow for thanksgiving<br>
|
|
also the guys seemed to be a little mad but i swear<br>
|
|
ill get better</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-24</h2>
|
|
<p>well the week timeout on one of the servers is up tomorrow<br>
|
|
i hope they dont hate me too much...<br>
|
|
the other one is still out but im trying to ask the<br>
|
|
admin to reduce it from a week and a half to just a week<br>
|
|
theyre ignoring me but that technically means its not impossible<br>
|
|
and again if *you* are reading this<br>
|
|
im sorry ok</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-22</h2>
|
|
<p>I hope the community still accepts me..<br>
|
|
i hope i can like be more integral with it<br>
|
|
and not just be like someones little brother kinda lurking around</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-21</h2>
|
|
<p>man i hate my parents sometimes<br>
|
|
"oh just get a friend in every class you<br>
|
|
should have at least one friend in every class"<br>
|
|
like i can just snap my fingers and get someone to<br>
|
|
like me?? like god im amazed i even got one friend<br>
|
|
and that was basically by accident and we still barely<br>
|
|
talk outside class and im worried its going to fall through<br>
|
|
again and if you havent noticed im terrible with all relationships<br>
|
|
the stupid putting myself down is probably just like a<br>
|
|
idk a defense mechanism because im scared of making<br>
|
|
something "bad" because i look up to so many people and<br>
|
|
so many other guys have such incredible stuff<br>
|
|
(art, websites, writing, pkrl) and it feels terrible to me<br>
|
|
because theres no way that i could do that without building<br>
|
|
up to it and that practice feels so indirect and like im making<br>
|
|
no progress and just desperately trying to chase someone else<br>
|
|
and not being able to get there before losing steam and feeling<br>
|
|
ashamed because i failed at it and idk IDK i really want to do<br>
|
|
cool stuff too and be in a group without worrying if they like me</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-20</h2>
|
|
<p>feeling completely aimless and demotivated today<br>
|
|
still trying to emotionally recover from..that<br>
|
|
tried to work on the site a little but couldnt find it in me<br>
|
|
and i probably cant do the big hsol styled remake without<br>
|
|
having a working copy because WINE BROKE IT THANKS<br>
|
|
also i havent drawn anything since that one "commision"<br>
|
|
a couple days ago<br>
|
|
maybe i should try writing random short stories and hiding<br>
|
|
it deep in the site again..</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<details>
|
|
<summary>2024-11-18</summary>
|
|
<p>how do you human without hurting people<br>
|
|
how do you even<br>
|
|
stabs of<br>
|
|
how do you<br>
|
|
its always either nothing or everything<br>
|
|
inert lack of doing fucking anything<br>
|
|
or trying so hard i fuck everything up every single fucking<br>
|
|
this is the worst i cant i cant i cantt<br>
|
|
i just<br>
|
|
jfeff im sorry im sorry im sorry<br>
|
|
why cant i<br>
|
|
i just want to<br>
|
|
i need to<br>
|
|
how do you<br>
|
|
im sorry im so sorry i<br>
|
|
th<br>
|
|
i cANT EVER<br>
|
|
FRIENDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE<br>
|
|
ITS ALWAYS EITHER NOTHING HAPPENS<br>
|
|
OR I PUSH TOO HARD AND SHATTER EVERY CHANCE EVER<br>
|
|
th<br>
|
|
im sorry im<br>
|
|
its not<br>
|
|
the<br>
|
|
im scared<br>
|
|
im scared im just an asshole who just<br>
|
|
god im sorry<br>
|
|
i just<br>
|
|
i just<br>
|
|
wanted<br>
|
|
to be<br>
|
|
included<br>
|
|
i just<br>
|
|
i know youll probably never read this<br>
|
|
but<br>
|
|
but the truth is<br>
|
|
i really find your work inspiring<br>
|
|
and like all the converging story stuff<br>
|
|
and i wanted to do that stuff too<br>
|
|
and im sorry<br>
|
|
and i know youll never read this ever<br>
|
|
you probably dont know this stupid site even exists<br>
|
|
and you probably just see me as some asswipe who<br>
|
|
cant listen to a god damn single thing<br>
|
|
and follow evven the most basic of social boundaries<br>
|
|
and maybe i am<br>
|
|
and maybe you never want to see me again<br>
|
|
but im sorry<br>
|
|
im sorry<br>
|
|
im sorryyy</p>
|
|
</details>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-16</h2>
|
|
<p>the fear of being a newbie<br>
|
|
basically if theres one thing i hate more than anything<br>
|
|
its not being able to feel proud of my work<br>
|
|
and thats the whole thing about sucking at something/<br>
|
|
doing it scared that i hate its that like i cant<br>
|
|
feel proud of it, or i feel like just like a little kid<br>
|
|
playing with their stupid legos while like the actually experienced<br>
|
|
guys go and have fun and the progress is so slow i feel like<br>
|
|
im doing it wrong but no i just have to keep making dumb stupid<br>
|
|
stuff and it feels terrible and<br>
|
|
especially with all the people who've been doing this stuff for<br>
|
|
like years like i know that normal (not insane) people look at<br>
|
|
that and are all "oh man theyve been doing it for so long<br>
|
|
of course theyre better and there was a time that they sucked<br>
|
|
too" and get motivated and stuff i wish i could be like that<br>
|
|
for me its more "oh man theyve been doing this 10 years<br>
|
|
that- i dont even know if i'll still be doing this in 10<br>
|
|
years and what if i never get that good and oh god how will i<br>
|
|
ever be able to compete with that even if i do keep at it for<br>
|
|
10 years then theyll have done it for 20!!!! and like i just<br>
|
|
wish i could like be ,more, like i didnt worry about it like<br>
|
|
a normal person like i could just go make stuff and not worry<br>
|
|
about how bad it is and feel panicked and beg people for help<br>
|
|
and make them hate me over and over and over and i could just<br>
|
|
write, or like draw, or whatever<br>
|
|
the only field that this doesnt apply to is like coding bc<br>
|
|
i have beein doing it for 10 years and stuff but like<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
i wish i could take as much pride in my own stuff as i do in theirs<br>
|
|
but like not in a stealing way</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-14</h2>
|
|
<p>doing it scared why cant i do it scared<br>
|
|
whyyyyyyyyy<br>
|
|
and the planning is just making me more stressed<br>
|
|
why is my brain like this help<br>
|
|
how do i just go<br>
|
|
i cant im just being cringy im just<br>
|
|
this whole thing will be a disaster</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-13</h2>
|
|
<p>creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)<br>
|
|
i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this<br>
|
|
I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.<br>
|
|
like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox<br>
|
|
games and a little bit webdevelopment?<br>
|
|
like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and<br>
|
|
some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make<br>
|
|
something i actually connect with in these and seeing how<br>
|
|
effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating<br>
|
|
and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats<br>
|
|
same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel<br>
|
|
like i have to make something of value but cant<br>
|
|
i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant<br>
|
|
do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-12</h2>
|
|
<p>Did you know that often, "deleting" something<br>
|
|
on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does<br>
|
|
is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer<br>
|
|
"hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite<br>
|
|
from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously<br>
|
|
why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten<br>
|
|
with data anyways?<br>
|
|
i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...<br>
|
|
like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..<br>
|
|
or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become<br>
|
|
more repressed and stuff...like me...<br>
|
|
theres something there, ok?
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-11</h2>
|
|
<p>Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused<br>
|
|
this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my<br>
|
|
watches date display turned into a table<br>
|
|
(the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)<br>
|
|
anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting<br>
|
|
to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from<br>
|
|
Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its<br>
|
|
such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
|
|
<p>art as the reflection of yourself<br>
|
|
yes i know thats a generic title but idk<br>
|
|
i really want to express myself here<br>
|
|
thoughts are hard to make clear<br>
|
|
i feel like this site really isnt me<br>
|
|
idk how to express it more</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
|
|
<p>inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why<br>
|
|
people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff<br>
|
|
not being able to see everything is frustrating though<br>
|
|
i want people to like my site<br>
|
|
whats the point of putting time into something but<br>
|
|
actively roadblocking people from seeing it??<br>
|
|
i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession<br>
|
|
with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-09</h2>
|
|
<p>I'm finally commiting to things!<br>
|
|
I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"<br>
|
|
challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel<br>
|
|
more willing to work on the website some</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
|
|
<p>i feel like every single problem i've ever<br>
|
|
had in the creative space can be boiled down<br>
|
|
into this image:<br>
|
|
<img src="/personal/gomap.png"></img><br>
|
|
like, if i could just shut the frick up and<br>
|
|
"do it scared" i could get something done but<br>
|
|
i just have to try and force someone "successful"<br>
|
|
to help when i feel like im failing and<br>
|
|
it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and<br>
|
|
ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling<br>
|
|
into the trap of making the same kind of character, or<br>
|
|
like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)<br>
|
|
i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to<br>
|
|
be more vulnerable here and this is how i am</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
|
|
<p>its really cool seeing such a wide range of<br>
|
|
states that people visit from, even if i never<br>
|
|
get to talk to them just seeing that is cool</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-11-04</h2>
|
|
<p>back here again, i guess<br>
|
|
being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh<br>
|
|
i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates<br>
|
|
me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time<br>
|
|
scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again<br>
|
|
or people would forget me<br>
|
|
id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly<br>
|
|
i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and<br>
|
|
deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining<br>
|
|
and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally<br>
|
|
just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read<br>
|
|
about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went<br>
|
|
online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500<br>
|
|
entries" i dont know what to do<br>
|
|
sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything<br>
|
|
happens here</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-09-30</h2>
|
|
<p>Wow, a whole month before I tore down the<br>
|
|
journal page again!! cool, huh??<br>
|
|
now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"<br>
|
|
i left the last article so i have something<br>
|
|
to reference to copy this properly<br>
|
|
these journals keep getting either<br>
|
|
too negative or fall into disuse because<br>
|
|
my life is incredibly boring besides like<br>
|
|
talking about what i did online which would<br>
|
|
make me sound like a really sad person and stuff<br>
|
|
also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again<br>
|
|
i really wish i could either be normal and not<br>
|
|
obsess over real disorders people actually deal with<br>
|
|
(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel<br>
|
|
justified in being so interested and like be able to<br>
|
|
interact with the community better and stuff and also in general<br>
|
|
not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again<br>
|
|
would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<article>
|
|
<h2>2024-09-26</h2>
|
|
<p>hey, im back its been a while<br>
|
|
still dealing with stuff and college<br>
|
|
idk how im feeling really</p>
|
|
</article>
|
|
|
|
<h2>[EXPUNGED]</h2>
|