From 7e2e7d5725c49b3dcd7175c27400696e1bbba0f1 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: cassie Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2025 02:35:06 -0400 Subject: [PATCH] initial --- .hugo_build.lock | 0 archetypes/default.md | 5 + content/about/index.md | 11 + content/posts/.obsidian/app.json | 1 + content/posts/.obsidian/appearance.json | 1 + content/posts/.obsidian/core-plugins.json | 30 ++ content/posts/.obsidian/workspace-mobile.json | 152 +++++++ content/posts/2024-11-25-23-06-55.md | 23 + ...ief AI is, unsurprisingly, full of shit.md | 79 ++++ content/posts/Coming Out.md | 33 ++ .../Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound.md | 50 ++ ...ight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it.md | 36 ++ content/posts/Intentional Listening.md | 37 ++ content/posts/LITR 250 Close Reading 2E.md | 27 ++ ...LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory.md | 62 +++ content/posts/Media Log (August 2023).md | 16 + content/posts/Media Log (January 2024).md | 33 ++ content/posts/Media Log (July 2023).md | 31 ++ .../Moving my home server to a new 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@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +# hi, my name is cassie. + +I'm an English teacher from New York. This is the home of the esoteric bullshit that I am incomprehensibly fixated on, which includes books, video games, music, and thinking way too much about everything. + +this site is currently built using [hugo](https://gohugo.io). I edit my posts in Obsidian (with the help of [GitSync](https://github.com/ViscousPot/GitSync) on mobile) and sync them to a repo on [32bitcafe](https://32bit.cafe/). I use Cloudflare Pages to build and serve the site. The current theme is heavily inspired by Joyce Manor's *Never Hungover Again*, a very good album that everyone should listen to. + +## find me on +* **email:** me@cassie.ink (preferred, and please do — I love emails) +* **mastodon:** [cass@social.lol](https://social.lol/@cass) +* **bluesky:** [@bigcass.bsky.social](https://bsky.app/profile/bigcass.bsky.social) +* **listenbrainz:** [babyspace](https://listenbrainz.org/user/babyspace/) \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/.obsidian/app.json b/content/posts/.obsidian/app.json new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e26dfe --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/.obsidian/app.json @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +{} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/.obsidian/appearance.json b/content/posts/.obsidian/appearance.json new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e26dfe --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/.obsidian/appearance.json @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +{} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/.obsidian/core-plugins.json 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2024-11-25T23:06:55-05:00 +modified: 2024-11-25T23:56:38-05:00 +draft: true +--- + +My thirtieth birthday party, the day before my actual turn from one decade to the next, was a beautiful night. My mom, both pre-emptively staking out her territory as an Italian-American grandmother and (past but an adverb?) fulfilling regrets at never having been able to throw me a childhood party, brought too much food and snacks and love — or staying up and out past the early afternoon, which is a kind of love for us; my friends, older than me in years and with busy families and schedules, brought wisdom and comfort in growing older gracefully; and my friends closer in age drove great distances to celebrate _me_ — or at least, with me. + +The actual day passed uneventfully, cleaning and resting from the festivities, alone and at home with Joe. As the night wore on, however, I noticed, with (something something - mixed alarm, absence, desparation, and a painful normalcy) that I hadn't heard from my dad, and I was suddenly borne ceaselessly back into the past. + +After years of baggage and mixed-up emptions, ups and downs, I've entered a maintenance phase in my relationship with him: I maintain the most tenuous connection I possibly can while his mother, my grandmother, is still alive, and I have planned to sever those last vestiges when she passed. I've entertained fleeting fancies on what would happen when _he_ goes — how I would find out, how I would react, if I would even bother to attend or instead seize it as an opportunity to enact my triumphant revenge by never showing up. + +And yet, and yet, despite years of receiving a call on the wrong birthday, I'm back in the second grade, at an in-school Father's Day celebration, waiting, waiting for any sign; mixed gratitude and crushing disappointment to see my maternal grandfather in my dad's stead; and sunk lower by every playground busy-bpdy asking why my dad was so old and having to explain that it's not actually my perfectly hale and hearty dad, who simply did not show up. I'm back in the schoolyard waiting for him — late again — to pick us up for his agreed upon custodial visits, so late the sun starts to set and a worried teacher contacts home seeing three abandoned kids who are realizing, slowly, that they are not important to their father. I'm back at my high school graduation and not bothering to invite him because I have almost two decades of experience to know the outcome, to know it's better than to set myself up for disappointment by expecting him to show. I'm back at my college graduation, a tremendous, back-breaking accomplishment, shocked to see him show up but wishing he hadn't as he makes it about himself: "I'm glad to see you're not a fuck up like me." + +I am 30. Why now, on the cusp of starting my own family — of discussing the unsexy logistics of planned conception, (lack of sufficient) maternity leave, and childcare, do I need a call from my daddy on my birthday? Why have I not learned the lesson experience has so deeply (that isn't the right word) taught me so many times over? + +At a parent meeting for a beloved student, I sang praises about her while admiring the original: she is, in every respect — her mannerisms, dress, energy — her mother. A little shorter and less gray, but otherwise a carbon, in the ways that matter. And as I went home that evening and reflected, I wondered what in me I would pass along — those idiosyncrasies impossible to spot within oneself that would one day leave bemused teachers, friends, family to remark the same of my child and me. + +And again, the lingering seven year old in me bubbled to the surface: what in me resembled my father — and, worse yet, what of his toxic line would seep (need a stronger verb, think like an oil spill) into another generation? Have I created enough distance to avoid his influence? Is there some latent biological evil in my genetics? And what of my traumas, my inability to move past my feelings of abandonment, would I, against my best efforts, inflict on my own? + +People say girls look for their fathers in their partners. I've looked for the opposite. Joe is always gentle, always patient — the kind to drop everything just to be there for a friend in need. When I asked him if I had any mannerisms he thought I might pass along, he laughed and responded with a list, paramount upon which was my passion. He recalled nights at the movie theater sitting in a mostly one-sided conversation, listening to me monologue about some esoteric music bullshit and falling in love. + +I hope for my children from me passion and devotion; that they stick wholeheartedly to that which — and _who_ — they care about. I wish for them the softness that comes from having two parents who make them feel loved, valued, important. diff --git a/content/posts/Automattic's Write Brief AI is, unsurprisingly, full of shit.md b/content/posts/Automattic's Write Brief AI is, unsurprisingly, full of shit.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..76e2e05 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Automattic's Write Brief AI is, unsurprisingly, full of shit.md @@ -0,0 +1,79 @@ +--- +title: Automattic's Write Brief is, unsurprisingly, full of shit +date: 2024-08-28 +url: write-brief +tags: [tech, internet, ai] +draft: false +--- + +Automattic [recently launched their Write Brief AI assistant](https://techcrunch.com/2024/08/07/automattic-launches-ai-writing-tool-that-aims-to-make-wordpress-blogs-more-readable-and-succinct/) for folks using Jetpack with WordPress.[^1] It is automatically available to anyone using wordpress.com, which I verified by logging into my 14-year-old account. + +I decided to test it out on my recent post about _The Basic Eight_. I chose this because it's one of my more recent posts that isn't #week-notes . I pasted it directly into the Gutenberg editor with all of the AI settings toggled on. + +According to Write Brief, my "Reading grade score" is 11.05; they recommend between 8 and 12 for maximum readable. Most of the AI's complaints with me were the long sentences within the post (it identified 20). Some of them, I agree with, even if they are all grammatically correct.[^2] Take, for example, the following sentence: + +> Flannery has to kill Adam because I’d be just as dissatisfied if she didn’t, and I’d be here complaining that Handler didn’t have the guts to follow through on his promising hook. + +This is not an overly complicated sentence; it is a compound-complex sentence, grammatically, with five distinct clauses. +- "Flannery has to kill Adam" (independent) +- "because I’d be just as dissatisfied" (dependent) +- "if she didn’t" (dependent) +- "I’d be here complaining" (independent; joined with the coordinating conjunction "and") +- "that Handler didn’t have the guts to follow through on his promising hook" (relative clause) +That *sounds* like a lot, and maybe it is, but the sentence reads fairly easily — we are constantly stacking clauses on top of each other in the English language. + +Write Brief's proposed revision is as follows: + +> Flannery has to kill Adam. I’d be just as dissatisfied if she didn’t. I’d be here complaining that Handler didn’t have the guts to follow through on his promising hook. I’ll keep telling myself that until I believe it. + +It essentially separated the clauses out to be mostly simple sentences, with the exception of the last sentence — which would be impossible to split apart without inserting a number of words. + +Most puzzlingly, Write Brief took umbrage with my use of the word "cannot" because it is a "complex word" and suggested I revise it to "can't," forcing an informal voice without ever asking me if that's what I *wanted*. + +--- +OK, whatever; I'm just an idiot with a blog. My writing is not exactly a gold standard of readability and clarity.[^3] Let's instead test the model on some of the literary greats. + +Of course I must start with Jane Austen's *Pride & Prejudice*, one of the finest works in the canon. I tried the iconic first sentence, "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." Write Brief concluded that this, too, was a "long sentence" and suggested the following revision: + +> It is a truth universally acknowledged. A single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. + +Again, the AI is simply splitting the clauses up, but in this case, it's butchering the *meaning* (let alone the style and humor!) of the sentence! *What* is a truth universally acknowledged? + +Let's fast-forward in time a little to simpler prose.[^4] I'm trying to avoid anything with dialogue, so let's try the final major section of *The Great Gatsby*. + +> And as I sat there brooding on the old, unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night. +> +> Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further… And one fine morning— +> +> So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. + +Write Brief took no issue with the final two paragraphs — presumably because they're composed only of simple and compound sentences. The entire first paragraph was flagged, once again for the "long sentences" and because "could" is an "unconfident word." Write Brief's recommended edit was: + +> And as I sat there brooding on the old, unknown world. I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn. His dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him. It was somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city. The dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night. + +This revision preserves the intent of the passage but again enforces the staccato rhythm of mostly simple sentences. + +Of course the final test must be on Hemingway, who espoused cutting his writing to the bone (n.b. I also think he was full of shit). To give Write Brief the best possible shake, I'm deliberately selecting a fairly simplistic paragraph from early in the first chapter of *For Whom the Bell Tolls*. + +> He spread the photostated military map out on the forest floor and looked at it +carefully. The old man looked over his shoulder. He was a short and solid old man in a +black peasant’s smock and gray iron-stiff trousers and he wore rope-soled shoes. He +was breathing heavily from the climb and his hand rested on one of the two heavy packs +they had been carrying. + +Yet again, Write Brief believes this paragraph to contain long sentences, and it suggested this revision: + +> He spread the photostated military map out on the forest floor and looked at it +carefully. The old man looked over his shoulder. He was a short and solid old man. He wore a black peasant’s smock and gray iron-stiff trousers. He also wore rope-soled shoes. He was breathing heavily from the climb. His hand rested on one of the two heavy packs they had been carrying. + +This revision *inserted* several words to enforce its stylistic choices for sentence structure. Note the redundancy in "He wore a black..." and "He also wore rope-soled..." If one of my students handed this in to me, I'd suggest they do some sentence-combining. My students are 12 years old. +___ +Writing can and should be revised to be concise and readable — even the writing we do online. That's not what I take issue with. Forgetting that blogs are often, by practice, stream of consciousness, and WordPress is ostensibly a blogging platform, it is our unique writing styles — the structures we use and gravitate toward and the decisions we make to conform to or break those structures — that make us individuals. There is joy and beauty in seeing people as they are, and that includes online. We sometimes must compromise our idiosyncrasies to be successfully communicate — after all, communication only happens when a message is sent *and* understood — and the individual blogger can, of course, simply turn off or ignore these suggestions and make stylistic choices for themselves. And really, this AI is nothing more than a tool to turn complex and compound-complex sentences into simple or compound ones — without any other considerations like modifiers or participles and at the cost of original voice. + +There is joy and value in expressing ourselves *how we are*, not how some bullshit external rules tell us *how to be*[^5] — because there is always one culture or mode of expression that is valued by the people making the AI, and those who exist outside of that hegemony are treated as wrong and in need of revision. I don't *want* to sound like an elementary schooler who never learned to use a comma and therefore simply avoids them. I want to experience the beautiful, unique minds of the bloggers I follow. I want authenticity, not the yassified, sanitized version of you. I will continue to cling to my strung-out sentences. + +[^1]: I don't have actual data on this, but I'd assume this is the _majority_ of WordPress users. +[^2]: I have two halves of an English degree so I can be trusted to make these assertions. +[^3]: I write for myself and to capture what's in my head, which is mostly nonsense. +[^4]: I eat too much salt to confidently put in anything by Shakespeare and expect to survive the experience. +[^5]: I realize the same argument could be applied to all grammar rules — I side with linguistic descriptivism, and on the web, I generally encourage people to write how they want. Omit punctuation! Don't capitalize! If it bothers me, I have the choice not to read. (Formal academic writing is different.) diff --git a/content/posts/Coming Out.md b/content/posts/Coming Out.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3fcb9c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Coming Out.md @@ -0,0 +1,33 @@ +--- +title: Coming Out +date: 2024-02-25 +url: coming-out +tags: + - life +draft: false +--- +I read a thread online recently about bisexuality: folks were discussing use of the label compared to something like pansexual. Many folks within the LGBTQ+ umbrella argue that pansexual is a more inclusive label than bisexual, as _bi-_ upholds a binary view of gender. + +My relationship with my bisexuality has been fraught. I can pinpoint in specificity where I feel it started: in the sixth grade (for me, 2005 or 2006), reading the sex ed chapter in my science textbook, I was presented with the three sexualities — heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. I had, by that point, already started puberty and experienced low-level attraction. I'd been confused that that attraction never seemed to have a distinct target: I liked boys and I liked girls. I remember an immediate sense of comfort and belonging in the term. _That's allowed?_, I thought. Reading it in a textbook made it seem so simple. _Then surely that's the way to be._ + +Through the rest of middle and high school, I continued to experience attraction in this way, but the word suddenly felt more complicated. I lived in an extremely conservative town; there were only a handful of openly queer kids, and I was inundated with queerphobic messaging — that bisexuality was just a phase, that everyone is a little bicurious during puberty. I digested it and refused the label, even as friends privately insisted to me that being in love with Natalie Portman wasn't something straight women experienced. + +This confusion and my (mostly unrelated) depression throughout high school made me uninterested in dating. When I finally graduated and moved on to college, the question became more pressing. I found myself seeking out spaces, both physically and digital, for queer people. My fleeting college friendships of the time were all with queer people. I found safety and comfort there, but I didn't know why — I continued to insist I was straight and merely engaging in feminist allyship. + +The final breaking point was, I'm a bit ashamed to say, watching an episode of _Adventure Time_. In "What Was Missing," Marceline and Princess Bubblegum's past relationship becomes queer at least subtextually (but almost explicitly). I found myself crying, and I wasn't sure why; ruminating over it hours later, I realized what I was feeling was affirmation and euphoria. I returned back to the emotion I felt upon seeing the word _bisexual_ in that textbook all those years ago, the simple acknowledgement and acceptance. It was the last time my sexuality made sense to me, and here again I felt that same emotion. + +I finally accepted myself as bisexual from then on — I was 19 years old. I "came out" to a few online friends. but I felt some hang-ups identifying as such when I hadn't been with any women (or anyone at that point — at least in any real way). It didn't feel necessary to proclaim to the world just yet, but there was a solace in finally seeing myself as I am. + +A few months later, I'd meet my current partner, a cisgender man, and the label started to become more complicated. I wasn't sure I had any right to consider myself bisexual if I'd never been with any women, and really, it wasn't something I had to think about all that often, being in a straight-presenting relationship. I continued to experience attraction to women (within the bounds of a monogamous relationship), but it didn't feel all that important to me to define. + +When I started my teaching job, I put a pride flag up in my room. I knew seeing it would matter to some kids, and I wanted my classroom to be an inclusive space. That snowballed into me starting the school's GSA because I was apparently the only teacher in the building who had shown any open support for the LGBTQ+ community and willingness to sign a name to it. I'm not open about my bisexuality to my students or coworkers, however, because it simply doesn't feel relevant[^1]; and again, there was a guilt in being in a straight-passing relationship: I didn't need to tell anyone how I identified because I could hide under the guise of heterosexuality. + +I've never had to be out or open because I haven't been in a relationship that requires it. I told a friend that I considered myself bisexual recently and shared some of the asterisks on that identity that I've described here, adding that I really don't know what coming out looks like anymore in 2023[^2]. But then, being around friends that I know _know_ and being open about that part of my identity gives me that same comfort I felt in that textbook all those years ago. + +So returning back to the word itself and whether it is or isn't inclusive: for me, there's a long history with the word _bisexual_ that I can't erase. There's an attachment that I can't discount. I experience different attraction to different genders, which doesn't seem to gel with pansexuality to me. And perhaps the label shares somethings in common with the word biweekly; confusing, unclear, and in need of further explanation. + +Consider this my explanation: it's about what it means to me, the spirit of the word if not the technical meaning. + +[^1]: It's not relevant to me outside of the club, I should say; I will tell the kids within the club because we have an established "Vegas rule." Outside of that, it feels like personal, private business that isn't relevant to my teaching. As I've said to coworkers who know, "the kids don't need to know who I'm fucking on the weekends." + +[^2]: The conversation happened a few months ago. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound.md b/content/posts/Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..19cbf9e --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound.md @@ -0,0 +1,50 @@ +--- +title: Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound +date: 2024-02-23 +url: early-thoughts-on-pokemon-unbound +tags: + - games + - pokemon +draft: false +--- +I downloaded *Pokémon: Unbound* the other day to play alongside my partner. We are both big *Pokémon* fans — like buy the new games every year fans — though my interest has waned over the last few years (I loved *Legends Arceus* and generally felt that *Scarlet/Violet* were slaps in the face[^1]). I have fond memories of the classic games, and I've read a lot of positive buzz about *Unbound*. + +I'm fairly certain that this is the first proper ROM hack I've played, not counting a few randomizers that I've cooked up for fun (and, for the most part, played for an afternoon or two and abandoned). *Unbound* is incredibly feature-rich and ambitious; it adds a great deal of quality of life options as well as formidable challenge options for the hardcore[^2]. I fall into the category of a more casual fan, so I was pleased to see things like effectiveness and STAB indicators hacked into the *Fire Red/Leaf Green* engine. *Unbound* also introduces a mission log and proper side quests; what I saw did not innovate much beyond fetch quests and "do this thing x amount of times then come back," but some had short but charming stories to follow (like the Sandslash stealing food from a local family). + +*Unbound* also has an original story that consumes a considerable amount of the player's time. There's a (for a *Pokémon* game) lengthy introduction cutscene that tells of the history of the region, and the player is introduced to a rogue organization that is aiming to capture the legendary birds to activate some doomsday device that will engulf the region in darkness. For *Pokémon*, the broad strokes aren't far off from something like *X/Y*'s story — evil guy wants to destroy the world for some reason and you must stop them. I found the story mostly beneath notice, unfortunately; the game introduced a bunch of characters early on, and it is hard to care much about them when you have so many. In the opening hours of the game, for example, you meet your rival and Professor Log. Your rival is pretty standard *Pokémon* faire: brash and driven and uninterested in listening to the Professor's advice, unlike the silent protagonist. Professor Log sends you off on various errands, one of which is to check in with his friend Arthur in the next town over, an expert on the history of the region; Arthur then introduces you to Jax, yet another young and ambitious trainer; and that's not counting all of the villains and various gangs you meet in the introductory hours. I have some faith that *Unbound* has unique plans for these characters in the narrative, but the balance between clicking through story and actually engaging in the exploring and battling feels skewed: *Unbound* is dragged down by the weight of its ambition to be a *Pokémon* game with a story. + +Feeling therefore disengaged by the story, what was left for me was the rote *Pokémon* experience: build and train a team to take on the gyms and various Team Rocket-like factions. I was pleased by the variety of Pokémon available to the player: *Unbound* includes all Pokémon from Gens 1-7. I have a big blind spot for Gens 4 and 5[^3], and the modern games have done little to introduce me to those Pokémon, opting instead to mostly focus on a new set of creatures for their respective regions.[^4] The Pokémon available to me in *Unbound* therefore felt fresh, and the game encouraged me to try out Pokémon that I ordinarily probably wouldn't consider for my team. Each route and area also boasts a considerable number of Pokémon available to the player: it's far from the usual experience in *Pokémon*, where you're offered mostly Pidgey- and Rattata-likes in the early routes that you battle dozens of times. There are diverse options that feel like deep cuts turned viable team members. As someone who likes to sweep a route and catch (or at least see) all of the available Pokémon, it was a little overwhelming to have ten to twenty different ones in a relatively small area, but variety is good! I also appreciated that the trainers in each area seemed to mostly have Pokémon that were available to catch in that area. It felt authentic: of course the teams of those folks would have mostly been caught and assembled from the local fauna. + +Despite this, my interest in continuing with *Unbound* has waned. I don't think it's solely a fault of the game, however: it does a lot of interesting things, and I admire the work and ambition of the team behind it. I'm just not sure how much energy I personally have for the *Pokémon* formula. *Unbound* adds its own seasoning into the mix, but it doesn't innovate — and that's my frustration with GameFreak's *Pokémon* releases too. Every game feels like going through the same motions again and again, and I think I've just lost my enthusiasm for that.[^5] Every now and then I'm in the right mood for it (and that mood at best lasts a few days) or something feels fresh and clicks, but *Unbound* — and really any recent mainline *Pokémon* game — so rarely fulfills that. I don't know how much further I'll continue on with *Unbound* — I only made it a little ways beyond the first gym, which doesn't feel quite like giving the game its fair shake, but I also am trying to release myself from the sense of obligation to soldier on with something that isn't grabbing me. There's a line there of not always expecting immediate gratification and showing some patience, but if after a few hours I don't feel the magic, it is increasingly hard to dedicate my limited time for gaming to something that isn't clicking when there's so much more out there.[^6] + +[^1]: Without getting too deep into it, I think *S/V* do a lot of really cool things. I enjoy the design of the game and the way it breaks up the conventional *Pokémon* format, but the absolute mess that the games were on a technical level felt insulting. I know that making games isn't easy and that there's a lot of unhealthy workplace practices that go into this — something something capitalism is the real enemy — but the fact that the games still have not received a meaningful performance patch while DLC is shoveled out reeks of the worst gaming industry bullshit I can imagine. + +[^2]: GameFreak could learn a thing or two: I generally feel that Pokémon's primary audience is and always will be children, so the entitled contingent of hardcore fanboys who want EV/IV training to be necessary and baked into the Pokémon experience are full of shit. However, some simple difficulty toggles (or at least settings for Exp. Share) would go a long way. I don't think gaming companies should kowtow to toxicity, but robust difficulty and accessibility settings benefit everyone. + +[^3]: I played a *ton* of Gen 2 as a kid, a fair amount of Gen 1 (mostly through *Fire Red*), and a lot of Gen 3. I didn't have a DS for a long time, so Gens 4 and 5 passed me by; my partner got me back in with Gen 6. + +[^4]: I don't mean this as a bad thing! I like seeing the new Pokémon introduced each gen, but there's a swath of totally underutilized Pokémon out there because for years each gen felt it necessary to introduce 100+ new creatures. + +[^5]: *Scarlet* and *Violet* meaningful progress, but see Footnote 1. + +[^6]: ByI downloaded *Pokémon: Unbound* the other day to play alongside my partner. We are both big *Pokémon* fans — like buy the new games every year fans — though my interest has waned over the last few years (I loved *Legends Arceus* and generally felt that *Scarlet/Violet* were slaps in the face[^1]). I have fond memories of the classic games, and I've read a lot of positive buzz about *Unbound*. + +I'm fairly certain that this is the first proper ROM hack I've played, not counting a few randomizers that I've cooked up for fun (and, for the most part, played for an afternoon or two and abandoned). *Unbound* is incredibly feature-rich and ambitious; it adds a great deal of quality of life options as well as formidable challenge options for the hardcore[^2]. I fall into the category of a more casual fan, so I was pleased to see things like effectiveness and STAB indicators hacked into the *Fire Red/Leaf Green* engine. *Unbound* also introduces a mission log and proper side quests; what I saw did not innovate much beyond fetch quests and "do this thing x amount of times then come back," but some had short but charming stories to follow (like the Sandslash stealing food from a local family). + +*Unbound* also has an original story that consumes a considerable amount of the player's time. There's a (for a *Pokémon* game) lengthy introduction cutscene that tells of the history of the region, and the player is introduced to a rogue organization that is aiming to capture the legendary birds to activate some doomsday device that will engulf the region in darkness. For *Pokémon*, the broad strokes aren't far off from something like *X/Y*'s story — evil guy wants to destroy the world for some reason and you must stop them. I found the story mostly beneath notice, unfortunately; the game introduced a bunch of characters early on, and it is hard to care much about them when you have so many. In the opening hours of the game, for example, you meet your rival and Professor Log. Your rival is pretty standard *Pokémon* faire: brash and driven and uninterested in listening to the Professor's advice, unlike the silent protagonist. Professor Log sends you off on various errands, one of which is to check in with his friend Arthur in the next town over, an expert on the history of the region; Arthur then introduces you to Jax, yet another young and ambitious trainer; and that's not counting all of the villains and various gangs you meet in the introductory hours. I have some faith that *Unbound* has unique plans for these characters in the narrative, but the balance between clicking through story and actually engaging in the exploring and battling feels skewed: *Unbound* is dragged down by the weight of its ambition to be a *Pokémon* game with a story. + +Feeling therefore disengaged by the story, what was left for me was the rote *Pokémon* experience: build and train a team to take on the gyms and various Team Rocket-like factions. I was pleased by the variety of Pokémon available to the player: *Unbound* includes all Pokémon from Gens 1-7. I have a big blind spot for Gens 4 and 5[^3], and the modern games have done little to introduce me to those Pokémon, opting instead to mostly focus on a new set of creatures for their respective regions.[^4] The Pokémon available to me in *Unbound* therefore felt fresh, and the game encouraged me to try out Pokémon that I ordinarily probably wouldn't consider for my team. Each route and area also boasts a considerable number of Pokémon available to the player: it's far from the usual experience in *Pokémon*, where you're offered mostly Pidgey- and Rattata-likes in the early routes that you battle dozens of times. There are diverse options that feel like deep cuts turned viable team members. As someone who likes to sweep a route and catch (or at least see) all of the available Pokémon, it was a little overwhelming to have ten to twenty different ones in a relatively small area, but variety is good! I also appreciated that the trainers in each area seemed to mostly have Pokémon that were available to catch in that area. It felt authentic: of course the teams of those folks would have mostly been caught and assembled from the local fauna. + +Despite this, my interest in continuing with *Unbound* has waned. I don't think it's solely a fault of the game, however: it does a lot of interesting things, and I admire the work and ambition of the team behind it. I'm just not sure how much energy I personally have for the *Pokémon* formula. *Unbound* adds its own seasoning into the mix, but it doesn't innovate — and that's my frustration with GameFreak's *Pokémon* releases too. Every game feels like going through the same motions again and again, and I think I've just lost my enthusiasm for that.[^5] Every now and then I'm in the right mood for it (and that mood at best lasts a few days) or something feels fresh and clicks, but *Unbound* — and really any recent mainline *Pokémon* game — so rarely fulfills that. I don't know how much further I'll continue on with *Unbound* — I only made it a little ways beyond the first gym, which doesn't feel quite like giving the game its fair shake, but I also am trying to release myself from the sense of obligation to soldier on with something that isn't grabbing me. There's a line there of not always expecting immediate gratification and showing some patience, but if after a few hours I don't feel the magic, it is increasingly hard to dedicate my limited time for gaming to something that isn't clicking when there's so much more out there.[^6] + +[^1]: Without getting too deep into it, I think *S/V* do a lot of really cool things. I enjoy the design of the game and the way it breaks up the conventional *Pokémon* format, but the absolute mess that the games were on a technical level felt insulting. I know that making games isn't easy and that there's a lot of unhealthy workplace practices that go into this — something something capitalism is the real enemy — but the fact that the games still have not received a meaningful performance patch while DLC is shoveled out reeks of the worst gaming industry bullshit I can imagine. + +[^2]: GameFreak could learn a thing or two: I generally feel that Pokémon's primary audience is and always will be children, so the entitled contingent of hardcore fanboys who want EV/IV training to be necessary and baked into the Pokémon experience are full of shit. However, some simple difficulty toggles (or at least settings for Exp. Share) would go a long way. I don't think gaming companies should kowtow to toxicity, but robust difficulty and accessibility settings benefit everyone. + +[^3]: I played a *ton* of Gen 2 as a kid, a fair amount of Gen 1 (mostly through *Fire Red*), and a lot of Gen 3. I didn't have a DS for a long time, so Gens 4 and 5 passed me by; my partner got me back in with Gen 6. + +[^4]: I don't mean this as a bad thing! I like seeing the new Pokémon introduced each gen, but there's a swath of totally underutilized Pokémon out there because for years each gen felt it necessary to introduce 100+ new creatures. + +[^5]: *Scarlet* and *Violet* meaningful progress, but see Footnote 1. + +[^6]: By which I mean *Baldur's Gate 3*. which I mean *Baldur's Gate 3*. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it.md b/content/posts/I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ae6d2b --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it.md @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +--- +title: I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it +date: 2024-08-17 +url: the-basic-eight +tags: + - literature +draft: false +--- +Spoilers to follow. + +I wrote in my week notes: +> **_The Basic Eight_ by Daniel Handler.** Handler's _Adverbs_ is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved _Watch Your Mouth_, too. I need light reprieves from _The Odyssey_, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler's bibliography. I'm about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It's pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler's charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don't think I've ever felt before. + +I finished the book an hour or two after posting that. + +I stand by some of that: I love Handler's prose, his humor, his ability to string you along in suspense when you know the ending, and paramount here, his playfulness with plot structures and meta-narrative. In reading others' reviews online[^1], I am finding that detractors felt the main characters to be irritatingly privileged, unrealistic, and arty (to which I say *of course they are* — they are high school characters in a fictional book and *they are meant to be* — but I can see how that might make almost 400 page a slog to read for some[^2]) and that the twist was easy to guess. + +Perhaps here is where I must turn in my English degree as I admit sheepishly that I did not see the twist coming at all, despite acknowledging Flannery as an unreliable narrator (clearly not realizing to what extent) and *knowing in advance that there was a twist*.[^3] I will reiterate my spoiler warning and no longer dance around it. Natasha, Flannery's best friend and a purported member of the Basic Eight friend group, does not exist — is a manifestation of Flannery's id, the voice and actor in what she wishes to say or do but lacks the courage to own. The twist is outplayed by the almost thirty years of media that stand between me and *The Basic Eight*'s publication (interestingly, the book was published in the same year *Fight Club* the movie was released, so perhaps it was more novel (get it?) a twist then), and it's a shlockiness that I don't expect from Handler (his adult novels, at least). In *his* defense, it was his first novel, and the shlock is intentional I think. And in *my* further defense (to whom? to whom?), while the twist is subtly revealed (thank you to the reviewer who mentioned page 99, which hits you right in the face), Handler also deliberately covers it up *through* the unreliable narration. There's layers-upon-layers of clever unreliability at work, but the twist nonetheless left me dissatisfied by the ending. I closed the book and was left asking, "Is that all there is?" + +Having known that there was a twist ahead of me, I had hoped it was around Adam's murder. Flannery reveals early in the narrative that she kills Adam, a boy she is in love with — the entire narration of the book hinges upon this, and the murder is the climax of the book. As I reached that moment, I read almost through my fingers and hoped that the twist was that she didn't actually kill him; instead, that the twist was that she built this (again, intentionally) ridiculous narrative frame around an invented murder to cope with the simple fact of teenage heartbreak and shitty high school boys; creating the artifice of teen murder media frenzy as an allegory for the high school gossip scene; positioning herself as a ward of the state to punish herself for letting her teen angst bullshit tear apart the Basic Eight, her beloved band of misfits, disappointing and dissolving her friendship with Natasha, and losing herself in the process. The narrative frame would then fulfill Hattie's prophecy that Flannery would become wise — in a typically kooky Handler way, by constructing fictional talk shows and discussion questions — but with the empty lesson we adults learn: wisdom comes through experience, and that experience usually blows. + +I am not a writer and it is for a good reason. Reader, she does kill Adam. My proposed revision is probably a corny ending too, and perhaps I need to eat the words I say to Joe as he makes us quit watching shows like *Search Party* because he can't stand to watch characters make bad decisions over and over again: that's conflict! That's what makes for interesting stories! Flannery has to kill Adam because I'd be just as dissatisfied if she *didn't*, and I'd be here complaining that Handler didn't have the guts to follow through on his promising hook. I'll keep telling myself that until I believe it. + +I'm left annoyed. Natasha being Flannery's invented shadow-self seems clichéd by 2024 standards. It undercuts the beautiful, ride or die female friendship that I loved, especially during the uncomfortable[^4] episode with Mr. Carr. In fact, *without* Flannery and Natasha's friendship, the girls of the Basic Eight friend group — Flannery included — are awfully catty to each other, in a way that makes me uncomfortable considering this book was written by an adult man.[^5] Flannery's only supportive friends become the male ones — Douglas and Gabriel — and Kate and Flannery a derisive mockery of teenage girls who gossip and steal each other's flames. Kate's orchestration of the murder cover-up becomes a self-interested satisfaction that the ex who wronged her is dead; V___ is merely protecting her social standing; Lily is emotional and throws up in stress; Jenn I cannot remember at 1:28am; and Flannery, crucially, hates and excludes Flora. When there's no light in the dark — no Natasha for Flannery — the representation of teenage female friendships and, by extension, teenage female *characters* becomes sneering instead of complex. + +Most egregiously, *The Basic Eight*'s twist feels like the bogey monster of *but the main character was crazy all along!*, which scrapes dangerously close to my other hated contrivance, *it was all a dream*, and it undercuts Handler's actual main goal: to satirize the media frenzy of violent teens and Satanic panic. You can't do that while also using the same devices of those who create Satanic panic. It's instead a satire Ouroboros, feeding the thing it hopes to destroy. + +*The Basic Eight* is a good book. It is well-written and I enjoyed reading it mostly. The ending disappointed me. Those can all be compatible statements, simple truths, and I can live with that complication. I'll keep saying that too until I believe it. + +*Adverbs*, I love you regardless. + +[^1]: I am choosing in this moment to treat online reviews as a literary salon instead of the crippling self-doubt of not being able to figure out what I think without seeing how others feel. Am I a people pleaser? A phony? As Flannery would write, more on that later. +[^2]: I am a formerly pretentious high schooler with a livejournal archive as documentary evidence, so not only am I deeply accustomed to this portrait, and any irritation is tinged with that darkened self-awareness that I am, in many ways, looking into a mirror. Is my dissatisfaction with the twist and Flannery's eventual murder of Adam because I see too much of my teen self in Flannery? Discuss. +[^3]: *This was my fun summer poolside read, where I can just turn off my brain and read for entertainment !*, I say desperately, clinging to my waning credibility and intellect. +[^4]: It should be uncomfortable, because it's a high school teacher raping one of his students, but here I use uncomfortable to mean "I'm not sure I'm okay with this being a plot device in the book, especially under the light of Natasha not being real." +[^5]: Don't even get me started on the body image shit. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/Intentional Listening.md b/content/posts/Intentional Listening.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d826ce1 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Intentional Listening.md @@ -0,0 +1,37 @@ +--- +title: Intentional Listening +date: 2023-12-28 +url: intentional-listening +tags: + - music +draft: false +--- +A friend of mine is a big fan of Florence + the Machine. I confessed to only really knowing (but liking) her hits, "Dog Days" and "Cosmic Love." I asked which album she would recommend I listen to; she said *How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful* (2015),[^1] and I texted her about some of the songs on it. She asked if I was listening to the whole thing given the back to back messages; I said yes, and I started to consider *how* I like to consume music. + +We live in a shuffled playlist and artist mix culture.[^2] We collect our favorite tracks or let an algorithm serve us up suggestions of "you might like" or "this label paid for this to be fed to the masses." I do it, too; much of my music listening is done passively, as a backdrop to other tasks that aren't consuming my entire mental energy like driving or cleaning or unpacking (i.e. non-diegetic video game style background noise meant to go mostly unnoticed). + +TikTok is the ultimate bastardization of music listening[^3], as songs are reduced down to ten-second snippets replayed devoid of any context. Forget the entire *album* -- you're missing even just the *song*. + +I have made a conscious effort recently to be more intentional in my listening. + +Intentional listening, to me, focuses on albums, not just on tracks. Especially when I'm listening to something new, I try to go through the entire album in order at least once (usually more). From there, I'll select my favorites and put them on their requisite playlists, but I think it's critical that we focus on the entire work -- not just selected pieces. + +Artists tell stories through albums. They captures moments in their lives, their artistic journeys. There are careful, deliberate choices in sequencing, relationships between tracks, and stunning transitions that we miss out on when we just play the hits. + +> i had a good conversation with somebody about the struggle of the sequencing. This person told me, if every song has a purpose for it’s position them you can’t question it. I decided to give this tracklist a listen without just the musical ideas, but with exact purpose for each song. not just what i say or how it sounds, but how it makes me feel. i think my songs’ true meanings lie in the feeling they give me (or anybody listening.) so here is what happens in my album, and here is the final order. i’m not changing it. this is it. and this is why. Oh yeah, for a reason that may or may not be explained in this next novel you may decide to go and read after looking over this prologue. this whole album’s theme is birds. we will use that in every aspect. more on that later. first, enjoy… finally a method to the madness by yours truly: Malcolm James Xavier Samuel Meyers McCormick. p.s. i’m faded so some word choice may need retouching or fixing. hopefully i wrote what i was thinking correctly. hmmm, funny how difficult that is… shouldn’t we all be able to write exactly how we are feeling down on paper. Is the education system to blame? save that for my political angry rap album. anyways, that paragraph was pointless. i just wanted to create more reading for u cuz i am a horrible person. but actually read the next part. +> +>— Mac Miller on sequencing *Watching Movies with the Sound Off* + +This shift is partly why I've gotten into vinyl recently; it forces me to be intentional in my listening and to return to my favorite albums as entire works -- not just the *songs* I love. I've tried to limit myself to buying just my favorite albums on vinyl, which is perhaps as much an economic decision as it is a personal mandate. But take, for example, Sylvan Esso's self-titled debut album. I've been listening to it for years; "Coffee" and "Hey Mami" and "Dreamy Bruises" and "Dress" feature on many of my playlists, but owning the record has forced me to sit down and listen through the whole thing in a way I haven't since I first heard it. + +Listening to records has also made music social for me. Sure, there are big Spotify playlists and end-of-year wraps shared out, but I've invited folks over to sit down and listen to some records -- to appreciate and talk about and enjoy the albums that have meant something to us and to share them with each other. + +Intentional listening is looking at forests, not just the (proverbial) trees. + +[^1]: Passing thoughts on the album: I like it! I appreciate the range of big, bombastic tracks like "What Kind of Man" with more pared back, quiet tracks like "St. Jude." I'd also previously associated Florence mostly with the harp, and I was surprised and delighted by the brass in particular on this album (specifically the swells of "How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful" and "Which Witch"). + +[^2]: To be clear, I don't think there's anything *wrong* with that -- I don't think there's a wrong way to consume any art, really. + +[^3]: At the risk of being old woman yells at cloud once again, this is maybe overly dramatic (but I do think TikTok is the root of many of society's ills). I know TikTok has been good for the music industry in many ways. But I've also read accounts of artists feeling pressured by labels to create music with "TikTok moments" and I think that's gross. + + diff --git a/content/posts/LITR 250 Close Reading 2E.md b/content/posts/LITR 250 Close Reading 2E.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..acd83b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/LITR 250 Close Reading 2E.md @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ +--- +title: LITR 250 Close Reading 2E +date: 2023-09-19 +url: litr-250-close-reading-2e +tags: + - literature + - undergrad +draft: false +--- +In the beginning of Chapter VIII in the third section of _To the Lighthouse_, pages 186-187, Virginia Woolf's unique approach to perspective and introspection create a subjective presentation of reality and relationships, supported by extended metaphors of fluidity and stillness. On a boat trip mandated by Mr. Ramsay to the titular lighthouse, Cam and James anatomize and unfold their feelings towards their father. Cam evolves as the boat moves across the sea while James's unflinching rage and violence towards the patriarch repeat in this section as the sailboat halts and space contracts to exacerbate his indignation. Woolf thus frames and explores the figure of Mr. Ramsay and the nominal motif of a journey through individual introspection and excurses. [^1] + +The selection picks up directly from the end of Chapter IV, shifting away from an interlude wherein Lily Briscoe works on her painting and contemplates her own relationships to both Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay, the former present in the scene with Cam and James, the latter casting a long shadow over it -- James's hatred of Mr. Ramsay was first introduced in an Oedipal fashion in the novel's very first chapter, where James sees Mr. Ramsay as basking in "the pleasure of disillusioning his son... [and] ridicul[ing] his wife," and James perceives his mother as "ten times better in every way than" her husband (Woolf 8). Woolf seemingly disregards flow and a coherent progression of events by bisecting the boat journey with Lily's artistic journey; her prose instead acts more as combined snapshots from various perspectives about fraught, inscrutable figures like Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay. The boat trip is merely a device through which Woolf can open "the picture into the depths of consciousness," i.e. James and Cam's internal reflections about their father (Auerbach 540). + +While Cam and James were at first united in their mission to "fight tyranny to the death" during the trip to the lighthouse, tyranny being Mr. Ramsay, Cam softens on her father toward the end of Chapter IV (Woolf 167). It is no accident, then, that Chapter VIII opens with the boat still in motion and from Cam's perspective -- the movement of the boat frames the characters' parenthetical thoughts. Cam contemplates the "green swirls and... patterns" made by her hand in the water and imagines an "underworld of waters" where "in the green light a change came over one's entire mind" (Woolf 186). These images of fluidity and change reflect the previous excurses into Cam's subjective reality -- her thawing resistance to her father. However, when the wind suddenly calms and the boat stops moving, James stews in the same thoughts that have gripped him throughout the novel (his antipathy for his father), a kind of stillness of thought and emotion. + +Though the group's journey halts for what amounts to little time, James's ruminations toward his father "take up far more time in the narration than the whole scene could possibly have lasted" (Auerbach 529). For James, "everything in the whole world seemed to stand still," and thus the progression of time and action halts to give way to his internal reflections and thought (Woolf 186). While time expands to allow for this excurses into James's internal realities, space contracts in the "horrid calm" and he must feel the "presence" of his companions, the most odious of which is his father (Woolf 186). James spots an attitude in each of Mr. Ramsay's page turns, which are "now assertively, now commandingly; now with the intention of making people pity him," and of course that may be the case (Woolf 186-87). However, it is far more likely that James simply perceives these attitudes -- that they are a manifestation of his resentment -- and Mr. Ramsay is simply reading a book to pass the time. The passage ends with James resolving that, should his father make a quip about the boat having stopped, that he "shall take a knife and strike to the heart" (Woolf 187). James's dedication to his compact with his sister, and his internal reality of Mr. Ramsay, thus remains constant, as does his perception of the boat ride as an act of despotism, rather than, as Cam as begun to see it, an attempt by Mr. Ramsay to reconcile the past by fulfilling a desire of the deceased Mrs. Ramsay (to go to the lighthouse) and to grow closer to his children. + +What should the reader make, then, of the boat ride and, by extension, Mr. Ramsay? Woolf offers no clear conclusion, with Cam and James at first agreeing and later diverging on both subjects through their individual "way[s] of looking at reality" (Auerbach 536). As Auerbach writes in an analysis of another passage from the novel, "we are given not merely one person whose consciousness... is rendered, but many persons" and that the reader is thus "confronted with an endeavor to investigate an objective reality" (Auerbach 536). That objective reality -- the boat ride and Mr. Ramsay's character -- is not "restrained by a purpose nor directed by a specific subject of thought," instead synthesized from multiple and, at times, competing perspectives. The "exterior events," like the boat moving and halting and then moving again "have actually lost their hegemony," instead serving to release "the much more significant inner process" (Auerbach 538). + +Woolf thus builds in this section additional nuance to the trip to the lighthouse and the fraught character of Mr. Ramsay. One could easily have written the events of the chapter as, "the sailboat briefly hits a calm and stops; the wind soon picks up again and James, Mr. Ramsay, Cam, et al. continue their journey to the lighthouse." But the "common focus" of the excurses -- exploring the children's relationships to their father; Mr. Ramsay as a whole, and the meaning of the journey -- instead holds the weight and meaning of this side of the third and final section of the novel (Auerbach 539). Woolf offers no explicit conclusion or objective reality -- is Mr. Ramsay truly a tyrant, or not? -- an impartial narrative voice being absent from the novel, but the reader nonetheless grows closer toward an understanding of characters and events in the novel through her experimentation with perspective and presentation of introspection. + +## Works Cited +Auerbach, Erich, and Willard R. Trask. _Mimesis: The Representation of Reality in Western Literature - New and Expanded Edition_. REV-Revised, Princeton University Press, 2003. + +Woolf, Virginia. _To the Lighthouse_. 1st. New York: Harcourt, 1927. + +[^1]: This post is an effort to archive and publicize some of the writing I did in college that I'm particularly proud (or at least not too ashamed) of. Specifically, this was written for an Approaches to Literature course in March of 2017. The assignment was to conduct an Auerbachian close reading analysis of a section from _To the Lighthouse_. I recall loathing this class and most of the texts (with the exception of _To the Lighthouse_, likely because I was already a fan of Woolf at the time and because I can connect to the whole resenting your dad deal). I found this paper incredibly challenging to write, as Woolf and Auerbach do not exactly exude simplicity, but I'm still proud of the end result years on. diff --git a/content/posts/LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory.md b/content/posts/LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ef8bba6 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory.md @@ -0,0 +1,62 @@ +--- +title: LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory +date: 2023-12-28 +url: emily-dickinson-queer-theory +tags: + - literature + - undergrad +draft: false +--- +The lives of many literary greats remain a relative mystery; literary critics and historians are often left to piece together details from letters, documentation, and, sometimes controversially, the author's work read for repeated motifs. They then draw what conclusions they can about the authors' lives. One of the most prolific female poets in the English literary canon, Emily Dickinson's life is preserved in letters and artifacts from her life. When examined as a body of work, Dickinson's poetry reveals a pattern of focus on women's interior lives and relationships that may be regarded as queer, especially with the added dimension of her close relationship with her sister-in-law. This essay examines a selection of her poems through a queer lens, highlighting the poems' relationships to female love and Dickinson's life and arguing against established patterns of erasing Dickinson's queer identity. + +Critical representation of Dickinson paints her an immensely private, reclusive individual. Known in her Massachusetts home of Amherst as "the Myth," Dickinson "lived a nun-like existence, wearing only white, seeing no one but her sister, writing poems that almost no one saw" (Nicholson). This suggests that the aforementioned canonical portrait of Dickinson is mostly accurate, but though she saw few in person, she had a rich inner existence, expressed in her many poems and letters. Indeed, both her poems and letters were directed to her "most trusted literary audience," Sue Dickinson (née Gilbert) (Nell Smith 56). Dickinson shared "about 250 poems" with Gilbert, "by far the largest number" compared to Dickinson's other family members and acquaintances (Franklin 3). While the particulars of their relationship are lost to time, Dickinson and Gilbert unarguably shared an intimate connection; many of Dickinson's poems are directed, either explicitly or implicitly, to Gilbert. Despite this, "until recently most literary critics have refused to acknowledge her love for other women," instead continuing to prop up the image of the maidenly recluse (Faderman 43). Twentieth century critics, acknowledging the romantic and erotic contents of Dickinson's poems, embarked on a "quest for the identity of this 'reclusive spinster's' elusive (male) love," though evidence shows "no significant heterosexual involvements until [Dickinson] was well into middle age" (Faderman 43). More recent literary criticism examines Dickinson's poetry through a queer lens, but there is a long history of criticism going to "great lengths to explain away the content of same-sex love in her poems" (Faderman 45). + +Suggestions of intimate female relationships are easy to identify within Dickinson's vast collection of poems. In "Ourselves were wed one summer - dear," Dickinson laments the end of a close relationship. The cause of separation is left obscure: Dickinson writes that "Our Futures different lay," indicating that their lives lead them down diverging pathways, but also writes that the speaker's object's "little Lifetime failed" (Dickinson 9, 3). This adds a characteristically grim undercurrent to the poem, and may either be a physical or metaphorical death. The intimacy of the relationship is nonetheless underscored as Dickinson writes that she "wearied - too - of mine" after her object's life ended (Dickinson 4). Dickinson therefore expresses that her life lacks meaning or value without her beloved. In the poem's final stanza, Dickinson affirms that the poem describes a relationship between two women, writing that "we were Queens" (Dickinson 15) -- the speaker and her object are therefore definitively female. + +Interestingly, the "death" of the poem's object seems to have occurred when she is "crowned in June" (Dickinson 16). Gilbert married Dickinson's brother in July of 1856, the "crown[ing]" possibly referring to the couple's engagement (Dickinson 16). Similarly, the "Bloom" of the object's "Garden" may be the birth of Gilbert's first child in 1861, the blooming of plant-life being a common metaphor for reproduction (Dickinson 13). It was upon this marriage that "the relationship between Sue and Emily became stormy... [and] Emily may have had a nervous breakdown," a kind of metaphorical "Frost" in Dickinson's life (Faderman 44; Dickinson 14). + +While this interpretation alone does not prove a lesbian relationship between Dickinson and Gilbert - only a close one - it upholds the existence of female relationships in Dickinson's life and body of work. Other poems are far more explicit in their dedication to Gilbert, such as "You love me - you are sure," which speaks to a "Dollie" ("You love me - you are sure" 6). An affectionate pet name, Dickinson referred to Gilbert as Dollie in her letters (Nell Smith 61). In the poem, Dickinson craves affirmation of Gilbert's love, worrying that she will "wake - / Some grinning morn" to find the "Sunrise" (i.e. Gilbert) gone from her life ("You love me - you are sure" 3-5). In another poem, "To own a Susan of my own," Dickinson writes that her love for Susan "is of itself a Bliss" and that she would "forfeit" anything to "Continue me in this," that is, her relationship ("To own a Susan of my own" 3-4). Modern critics also point to distinct and repeated imagery in Dickson's poetry, such as "jewels, gems, pearls, peas, berries, nuts, buds, crumbs, and beads," which gloss as "clitoral... [and] demonstrate an awareness of lesbian sexuality" (Faderman 45). It is neither difficult nor reaching to read the "Pink and Pulpy multitude" and "Modesties enlarged" of "Our little Kinsmen - after Rain" as such given these patterns and autobiographical considerations ("Our little Kinsmen - after Rain" 3, 11). + +Whether or not this intimate bond between Dickinson and Gilbert materialized as physical is impossible to know (and immaterial to the thesis), especially considering that the letters "written by Sue [to Emily] were destroyed at Emily's death" by Dickinson's brother Austin (and Gilbert's husband), presumably in an effort to conceal the parameters of their relationship and avoid public knowledge of his wife's queerness (Faderman 44). Dicksinon writes in her letters to Gilbert of a desire to "nestle close to your warm heart" and to "carry me to you, and to bring you back to me, long enough to snatch one kiss" (Faderman 49). While these professions read as distinctively lesbian through a modern lens, they may simply be characteristic of the "sensual avowals of love" found in female relationships of the period (Smith-Rosenberg 168). These friendships existed along a "continuum or spectrum of affect gradations strongly affected by cultural norms and arrangements," and they therefore defy modern classification (Smith-Rosenberg 180). It is similarly anachronistic and limiting for critics to "subdivide Dickinson's love poetry into 'homosexual' and 'heterosexual' poems," as it imposes a binary sexuality that did not exist during Dickinson's time and which is opposed by modern queer theory (Henneberg 2). It is then perhaps most appropriate to label to sexuality, content, and eroticism in Dickinson's body of work as queer (rather than 'homosexual' or 'lesbian') in that it shifts the, at the time, historically androcentric narrative of poetry to focus instead on the relationships between women. This queerness manifests in Dickinson's syntactical style as well, with her liberal use of hyphens and capitalization. She "break[s] traditional linguistic and poetic forms" to reclaim them from patriarchal domination, creating something subversive in its distinct focus upon the interior lives of women and paving the way for future queer and lesbian poets like Adrienne Rich (Jeffs). + +It is critical that the queer identities of canonical writers like Dickinson be discussed. Doing so affirms the long history of queer people, who existed before terms like "homosexual," "bisexual," or "lesbian." It also adds dimension to the examination and interpretation of their work, elevating natural imagery and symbols in Dickinson's work to indicative of her interior life, love, and relations. These considerations must be preserved in the same way that we preserve other artifacts from author's lives; they offer readers a glimpse into their lives, values, and identities and help readers understand who they were and what they wrote about. These queer readings may, at times, seem to fly in the face of current literary discourse, but it is critical that we not allow these facts of author's identifies to be erased; to do so would be a disservice to the author and to queer history. + +## Works Cited +Dickinson, Emily. "Our little Kinsmen - after +Rain." 1865. + +—. "Ourselves were wed one summer - dear." +1863. + +—. "To own a Susan of my own." 1877. + +—. "You love me - you are sure." 1861. + +Faderman, Lillian. "Emily Dickinson." *Chloe +Plus Olivia: An Anthology of Lesbian Literature from the Seventeenth Century to +the Present*. New York: Penguin Group, 1994. 43-60. Print. + +Franklin, R.W. "Introduction." *The Poems +of Emily Dickinson*. Harvard University Press, 2005. 1-11. Print. + +Henneberg, Sylvia. "Neither Lesbian nor Straight: +Multiple Eroticisms in Emily Dickinson's Love Poetry." *The Emily +Dickinson Journal* 4.2 (1995): 1-19. + +Jeffs, William Patrick. "Adrienne Rich: The Union +of Feminist, Gay, and Lesbian Theories." *Feminism, Manhood & +Homosexuality: Intersections in Psychoanalysis & American Poetry*. Peter +Lang Publishing, Inc., 2003. 96-149. + +Nell Smith, Martha. "Susan and Emily Dickinson: +their lives, in letters." *Cambridge Companion to Emily Dickinson*. +Ed. Wendy Martin. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2002. 51-73. + +Nicholson, William. *A Quiet Passion won’t solve the +mystery of Emily Dickinson – but does the truth matter?* 1 April 2017. Web. +8 December 2017. +. + +Smith-Rosenberg, Carroll. "The Female World of +Love and Ritual: Relations between Women in Nineteenth-Century America." +n.d. 168-183. diff --git a/content/posts/Media Log (August 2023).md b/content/posts/Media Log (August 2023).md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..be52b59 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Media Log (August 2023).md @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +--- +title: Media Log (August 2023) +date: 2023-08-31 +url: media-log-august-2023 +tags: + - media-log +draft: false +--- +# Movies +* _Barbie_ - I was underwhelmed. There's been lots of chatter, and I loved _Lady Bird_, but _Barbie_ didn't hit for me; too much Ken (to be the hundredth person to whine about it) and the ending felt unearned and thematically confused. This was more of an homage to _Barbie_ as a product than it was an homage to womanhood, but it pretended to be the latter. + +# Games +* _Vampire Survivors_ - I originally played _Vampire Survivors_ for my video game podcast, [Pitch & Play](https://pitchandplay.org) (on hiatus but will come back!); my friend and co-host Ross recommended it to me. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I got into it given that I don't really have nostalgia for this sort of game, but I played several hours of it and then became distracted by life. While moving this month, I was without internet for quite a while and had not hooked up my consoles (or my PC, still). To kill some time while my body recovered from lifting boxes and scrubbing surfaces, I downloaded _Vampire Survivors_ onto my phone and went deep into it. It's a fantastic game that I'll come to associate with my early days in the house. + +# Books +* _Walk Two Moons_ by Sharon Creech - I read this book originally as a child in the fifth grade. I remember loving it but little else. I have been looking for a text to add to my curriculum and wanted to try _Walk Two Moons_ out. I enjoyed reading it and was surprised by how much of it came back to me even though I am (nearly) twenty years out from reading it the first time. I do think the Native American set dressing might be problematic given that the author is not, by any account I've read, actually Native; the plot is also predictable, but perhaps that is because I'm an adult reading a book written for children and because I've read it before. I'm not sure it's the book I'm looking for, but it's not a bad read. diff --git a/content/posts/Media Log (January 2024).md b/content/posts/Media Log (January 2024).md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..871104f --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Media Log (January 2024).md @@ -0,0 +1,33 @@ +--- +title: Media Log (January 2024) +date: 2024-02-04 +url: media-log-2024-01 +tags: + - media-log +draft: false +--- +# TV +* **_One Tree Hill_, season six and seven** - I've been marathoning One Tree Hill on a friend's recommendation. By this season, we are well passed the "good" seasons, but it's still entertaining enough to watch — if only to count how many more car crashes the writers will introduce as plot lines. I think the early (1-4) seasons are a decent watch, but at this point, I'm really just seeing it through to the end. Season seven has a novelty in seeing how a show pivots after losing its main character. I don't think _OTH_ did so gracefully; they elevated some, generously, background characters into the main act and lumped on bunch of new ones at that. Some work better than others, but at least I'm almost at the end. +* **_Kitchen Nightmares_ (2023)** - Years ago, I once came home to find my partner watching _Kitchen Nightmares_ on YouTube. He's generally not a fan of reality or competition shows, so I asked him why he was watching it. He giggled and said, "He [Gordon] just gets so mad." That led to me also watching a bunch of the show. This month I watched a gabi belle video in which she talked about the reboot, so I dipped in too. Gordon does indeed still get mad. When watching _Kitchen Nightmares_, I am always thinking of how much fun the show must be to edit. The editors make liberal use of the most unhinged sound effects imaginable. It's junk food TV, and who doesn't love junk food? +* **Schitt's Creek** - I've been casually rewatching as my background noise / take a nap on the couch TV. Still hilarious and as good as the first time. +* **The Bachelor** - Two of my friends are big fans, so I'm watching the current season with them. I've never seen any _Bachelor_ properties before this; I'm mostly along for the ride. The show has yet to hit the reality TV highs that keep me looped in to shows like _America's Next Top Model_ or _Survivor_, and the whole concept still feels quite skeezy to me. +# Music +* **_III_, The Lumineers** - I have liked some of The Lumineers' hits for years, but a friend really loves them, so I thought I'd give _III_ a shot. I understand it's a concept album with stories and characters; I really haven't delved into that. I'm unsure if that's because I haven't found it compelling or because I am trying to focus more on the _sound_ rather than just the words (I've always been more for the latter). _III_ sounds great; it reminds me of how much I love the piano. It's the focal point of many songs on the album but also beautifully interspersed as a twinkly highlight or backdrop. Particular favorites are "Donna" and "My Cell." + +* [**_another summer_ (Nightcore Edition)**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_KOpAnAMMA), **neverknowsbest** - I didnt know what nightcore was until now. neverknowsbest is a friend's project and I really liked their debut album, so I gave this a shot. I can't say I really "get" nightcore, but I'm constantly impressed by how talented my friends are. + +* **_Modal Soul_, Nujabes** - I've listened to a lot of Nujabes-adjacent and inspired acts for years now (Tycho, emancipator, aether, Little People, etc.) but never the man himself. _Modal Soul_ had some good moments (I love "Feather"), but it was mostly background noise that bordered on repetitive. Disappointed, but I'll try more Nujabes eventually. + +* **_Never Hungover Again_, Joyce Manor** - I love this album. It's simple and to the point; no song overstays its welcome. Each track exists just long enough to get a catchy tune through your ears then exits gracefully. I absolutely love "Heart Tattoo" in particular, to the point where I'm actually considering getting one (maybe, sort of, not really, but also I might just). + +* **_Best Buds_, Mom Jeans** - I had high hopes for this group based on the band name and that they are often mentioned in the same breath as Joyce Manor. _Best Buds_ was a disappointment; the only song I found somewhat tolerable was "Edward 40hands," but the rest is plagued by cloyingly nasal vocals that drag down some pleasant guitar licks. + +last.fm listening report: [https://cdn.cassie.land/lastfm/lastfm-2024-01.png](https://cdn.cassie.land/lastfm/lastfm-2024-01.png) +# Movies +* **_Fast X_** - an enjoyable entry in the _Fast_ series, and I can officially say that I'm caught up (aside from _Hobbes & Shaw_; maybe that will feature later on this list). It's by far not the best _Fast_ movie (I think that's still _Fast Five_), and I don't really care for Jason Momoa as a villain. There's something tired and a little problematic about the "wacky sociopath" trope, but the flair for drama and action is alive and well in this film. It's definitely the best of the post-7 films, but I can see how some might be turned off by the copious fan service and many celebrity cameos. Personally, I come to these films for cheap thrills and excess; I know what I'm in for and don't begrudge them for indulging that. + +* **_Saltburn_** - a friend has been obsessed with this film and we finally sat down to watch it. It was horrifying (in a good way) and beautifully shot (even if I don't love the choice to put it in 4:3). I don't often like the movies I watch (the ones that aren't _Fast_ movies I guess); I hesitate to say that I _liked_ this one so much as found it interesting and enjoyable. I don't think I'd watch it again or recommend it to others. I appreciate that it was coherent and accessible in its themes compared to something like _The Lighthouse_ (which I hated)[^1] which often feels like it is showing you weird shit just to show you weird shit. _Saltburn_ knows the themes it wants to explore and presents then well to the audience. Barry looks way too old, though. + +* **_My Big Fat Greek Wedding_** and **_Crazy Rich Asians_** - Watched is a generous term; this was more "talked through at a friend's house." I'd seen the former several times already and have some affection for it. I'd not seen _Crazy Rich Asians_ before; it didn't really capture my interest, but then, I didn't really try either. + +[^1]: The only thing _Saltburn_ and _The Lighthouse_ have in common is prominently featuring a jerk off scene, I think. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/Media Log (July 2023).md b/content/posts/Media Log (July 2023).md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e82ed80 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Media Log (July 2023).md @@ -0,0 +1,31 @@ +--- +title: Media Log (July 2023) +date: 2023-07-30 +url: media-log-july-2023 +tags: + - media-log +draft: false +--- +Part of my resolution to blog more is to start a media consumption log for the year where I record what I’m reading, watching, and listening to. I'm going to do it monthly; expect a finalized list on the last day of each month (possibly backdated). + +# Movies +* _The Fast and the Furious_ - a rewatch of a movie I watched way too much as a child and therefore have an unreasonable fondness and attachment towards. The dialogue in this movie is positively absurd (“I like the tuna here," “Welcome to Race Wars”), the homoerotic undertones bordering on overtones, and everyone in this movie (except Vince but including Jesse) is blisteringly hot. I was edified by the friend I had watched the film (not movie) with, who had never seen it, as she remarked at the end, “I get it now.” I could have done without the oil scene, however. +* _2 Fast 2 Furious_ – well, now it’s a marathon. _2 Fast 2 Furious_ has, historically and controversially, been both my favorite sequel naming schema and overall entry in the _Fast_ saga. I love the first, but this movie embraces the stupidity and over-the-top action that would go on to define the series. It manages to succeed without Vin Diesel (or any of the “family,” except for Brian, though it introduces future members) and contains some iconic (to me) scenes ([Ejecto seato](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dpwl45hUQfc&pp=ygUMZWplY3RvIHNlYXRv) and everything involving Suki). I smile constantly while watching this movie. I love it and I think it loves me back. Except for the rat scene. I could do without the rat scene. +* _The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift_ – I would like to say that I came to my second viewing of this movie with an open mind (I didn’t), hoping to understand the cultural revisionism of some _Fast_ fans who claim that this is actually one of the best in the series (it isn’t). Somehow this movie makes drifting boring. Han is the only interesting character. There’s a character who everyone refers to as “DK” (short for “Drift King”) throughout the film and yet he is as bland and forgettable as the rest. Sean is the worst, and it is a miracle the series managed to rebound from this low. _Tokyo Drift_ is the ugly step-cousin of the _Fast_ series. At least the theme song slaps. +* _Fast & Furious_ – viewed right after _Tokyo Drift_ to cleanse my palate and remind me what a good movie feels like. The opening scene immediately reminds one of the highs of the _Fast_ saga, and while the rest of the movie is far from the best, it is miles ahead of _Tokyo Drift_, if only because it reunites the _Fast_ family and sets the pieces in place for the highs of the series to come. +* _Fast Five_ – a truly thrilling movie start to finish and perhaps the best of the series. Everything about this movie is fun — no rat or oil scenes to be found. Instead, just action sequences that constantly raise the stakes and delight — and, of course, the reunion of the family (sans-Letty). +* _Fast & Furious 6_ – a middling sequel to the high point of the _Fast_ series and my last rewatch; from here on out, it is all new to me. This one is watchable and certainly ranks as one of the better _Fast_ movies. It chases the ragtag quality that the family had in the last movie but doesn’t hit the same notes. The movie shines when it focuses on Dom and Letty’s relationship, and the bridge scene is one of the best stupid stunts in the series. +* _Furious 7_ – a mostly forgettable setup and plot offset by some truly ridiculous moments that make the film, overall, enjoyable. This was a classy send-off for Paul Walker that I’m sure was emotional in the moment but is today soured by him being kind of a creep. I wish to wed the individual who came up with the Rock breaking his cast off and entering the action, the skyscraper scene, Dom running over Shaw's car, and, most of all, the rwrench fight. I say individual because I like to believe there is a single person responsible for this lunacy. + +# TV +* _Andor_, season one – interesting in broad strokes, but I found it deeply problematic on an episode-to-episode basis. This felt like a movie trilogy that decided to be a television show, and it does not work as either. It may not be fair for me to levy my frustrations with cinematic universes against _Andor_ (_Fast_ obsession notwithstanding), but I spent much of my time with the show questioning its necessity (even as a _Star Wars_ lover and a particular fan of _Rogue One_). Much of _Andor_ felt like it was undercutting _Rogue One_ and Jyn’s significance to the Alliance. _Andor_ has compelling ideas and is competently shot and acted, with occasionally strong moments every few episodes, but it ultimately didn’t win me over. I will give a second season a try, but _Andor_ disappointed me, especially given the high expectations others’ reactions gave me. + +# Music +* _22, a Million_, Bon Iver – I do not have much experience with Bon Iver outside of “Skinny Love” (which is fine), but I vaguely recall my sister playing me a song, “10 d E A T h b R E a s T ⚄ ⚄”, from_ 22, a Million_ around when it came out. Sparked by a recent conversation with her and stumbling across an article that I now cannot find about some of the controversy around the album’s release, I’ve been listening to it a fair amount. It’s an abstract, exciting album; none of the songs particularly stand out to me as Playlist Material, but that is perhaps the intention of the album: it is to be listened to in sittings, full through, not in the vacuum we have become accustomed to of random shuffles and algorithmic picks. I admire any artist that experiments with their releases and does not rest on the laurels of their hits, so initial impressions are strong, but I get the sense that this is an album that begs for the listener to reflect and decode. +* _Never Hungover Again_, Joyce Manor – discovered through a Front Bottoms shuffle with “Heart Tattoo,” which is a highlight of the album for me. Never Hungover Again is a breezy listen: ten tracks, most falling between one and two minutes. I found the first five tracks mostly discardable, but the second half was much stronger with the aforementioned “Heart Tattoo,” “In the Army Now,” and “Catalina Fight Song.” Emo revival works best for me in The Front Bottoms style: catchy riffs and earnest lyrics that read like teenage LiveJournal entries. + +# Games +* _The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom_ - I played a metric ton of _Breath of the Wild_ and emerged with feelings ranging from ambivalent to frustrated. There was so much I loved about it and so much that just never came together (or actively frustrated me). _Tears of the Kingdom,_ however, has brought me nothing but joy; it corrects every complaint I had with _Breath of the Wild_ and improves upon it wholesale. I'm far from done with the game -- I think I will be playing it for some time -- but so far, it is remarkable. +* _Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza_ - played with friends but I had the eerie suspicion I've played it before but cannot place it. Fine in a group but mostly forgettable. I wouldn't seek it out again. +* _Carcassonne_ - my love, my liege. _Carcassonne_ is a bastion in our household. I love it every time I play, except when I lose, which is often. +* _The Busy Bistro_, [Magic Puzzle Company](https://magicpuzzlecompany.com/) - a friend spotted this on Tik Tok and invited me over to work on it with her. Reader, I was there until three in the morning. A fantastic puzzle with charming art, done in good company. diff --git a/content/posts/Moving my home server to a new chassis.md b/content/posts/Moving my home server to a new chassis.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1537d1e --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Moving my home server to a new chassis.md @@ -0,0 +1,41 @@ +--- +title: Moving my home server to a new chassis +date: 2024-03-10 +url: moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis +tags: + - home + - life + - tech +draft: false +--- +I have a home server (running Unraid) that I use to backup computers, as media storage, and to run various apps. It's mostly been cobbled together from used parts I found for cheap, and it generally followed [Serverbuild's NAS Killer 4 guide](https://forums.serverbuilds.net/t/guide-nas-killer-4-0-fast-quiet-power-efficient-and-flexible-starting-at-125/667). It runs like a dream, and putting it together is one of the best decisions I've ever made. More recently, with streaming sites like Netflix, Hulu, etc. cracking down on password sharing, it has become my pathway to shedding some monthly subscriptions and owning my own media. + +For years, that server has lived in an old NZXT case that I had used when I built my first PC, primarily because I had the case laying around and because it still had bays for 3.5" drives (most modern PC cases only include one or two and instead provide storage for 2.5" drives). That bulky case has been shoved away in whatever corner of my apartments I could find, but now that I own a house, I have dreams of setting up a proper server rack in a closet somewhere. My home's basement has a strange little room that housed only the oil tank and is conveniently right below my office space, so that's the intended home. We replaced and relocated the tank and ran electrical to it, so it's now good to go. + +I purchased a rack mount case (Rosewill RSV-L4500U) off of the [hardwareswap](https://www.reddit.com/r/hardwareswap/) Discord not too long ago and intended to move the server when I had some free time. Just a few days ago, I found that one of my 6TB drives was throwing errors in Unraid. I ran a SMART test, which seemed to clear, so I thought I would start by checking the physical connections — and if I was going to have to take the server down, I might as well move it into the new case. + +Easy enough, right? I've been tinkering with and building PCs for over ten years now. I'm at a stage where I can put one together and confidently turn it on on the first try. There was a bit of an adjustment period to a proper server case (particularly the drive cages — I like the idea of them, but the screwless design is a proper pain in the ass), but for the most part, this was smooth sailing — at least in the context of what was to come. + +![The new case](https://cdn.cassie.land/images/2024/02/PXL_20240219_164002815.jpg "The new case") + +![The old server](https:///cdn.cassie.land/images/2024/02/PXL_20240219_164215573.jpg "The old server") + +![Transferred](https:///cdn.cassie.land/images/2024/02/PXL_20240219_180817832.jpg "Transfered") + +I'm normally better at straightening up the cables, but with a non-modular PSU, I don't have a lot of options. I'll replace it one day... + +Now, part of what I wanted to do was also replace my cache drive. I had been running it off of an *old* 120GB SSD which would fill up pretty easily. I had a 500GB SSD kicking around to swap to; I had thought I'd set my appdata folder to copy to my array so that I could just pop in the new drive, remove the old one, and be good to go. This was my fatal error. + +I boot up the server — first try — and see the new cache drive needs to be formatted. Great. I do so, then check my Dockers. *Everything is gone.* + +Oh fuck — but I can just put in the old drive, right? I do so. It is, according to Unraid, unmountable. + +Well, I had switched from an xfs file system to btrfs with the new drive. Maybe I just need to set the cache pool to accept xfs again. + +The drive is still unreadable. + +I try `xfs_repair` on it with no luck. I spent several hours trying all kinds of drive recovery and tricks online. Nothing. + +This resulted in me having to recreate all of my Docker containers — all of my -arr setups, my Plex configuration (including all of my playlists), etc. It took *hours*, but I learned my lesson: all of that is set to automatically backup now. If I'm looking for silver linings, this finally forced me to migrate from Jackett to Prowlarr, which removes a lot of manual configuration on my part; my indexers all automatically sync to Radarr, Sonarr, Lidarr, etc. It's a pain in the ass, and something is still off with my Lidarr config, but again, lessons learned... + +A few weeks later, the supposed failed drive is running just fine and passing all checks and tests. I'm getting frequent warnings that some of the drives are running hot, so I'm planning to replace the stock fans (which I've read some folks online confirming that they're awful) with Arctic P12s. Further down the line, I need to get a proper rack and run cables down to my "server room" (old furnace room in my basement) — for now, the server will continue to live on the floor of my office. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/Moving to a rack mount setup.md b/content/posts/Moving to a rack mount setup.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fec4125 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Moving to a rack mount setup.md @@ -0,0 +1,38 @@ +--- +title: Moving to a rack mount setup +date: 2024-08-02 +url: moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup +tags: + - home + - life + - tech +draft: false +--- +I wrote a post a few months ago [cataloguing moving my home server](/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/) from the old NZXT case I had leftover from my old PC into a Rosewill chassis that would let me, eventually, move to a proper rack setup. This past Prime Day, I purchased a Riveco 15U rack and then some sliding rails to go along with it, with the hope of finally moving the loud and hot NAS into the basement where it belongs. + +Putting together the rack was easy enough: there were a lot of screws, which is fine, but the assembly was straightforward. + +![Image of the assembled rack](https://cdn.cassie.land/images/2024/07/PXL_20240727_173357497.MP.jpg) + +We then took out the rails (iStarUSA TC-RAIL-26) to affix them to the rack and I discovered my error: I ordered 26" rails when I probably needed 20". Ah well — I ordered them from eBay and wasn't interested in going through the return process. + +![Image of a server rack with rails that are a few inches too long](https://cdn.cassie.land/images/2024/07/PXL_20240727_185834073.MP.jpg) + +We continued through and, with just a little trouble, were able to mount the chassis within the rack and have it slide out properly. I'm indebted to [SPX Labs's YouTube video](https://youtu.be/IkILNUa4HaY?si=-l90v5gEK_ojk_n1) showing assembly of rails and a chassis just slightly different than mine, which was a great reference. The rack does tip when the chassis is fully extended, but that's workable for now and will resolve when I fill the rack with other equipment. + +![Image of a server mounted within a rack](https://cdn.cassie.land/images/2024/07/PXL_20240727_191615714.MP.jpg) + +Finally, we decided we were committed for the evening and turned to routing ethernet into the basement. The room I've designated to be the home of the rack is the former location of our oil tank; shortly after we moved in, we had the tank replaced, as it was around 60 years old and filled with sludge. We also relocated the tank because its vent and fill caps were in the garage. The tank predated the garage — the previous owners added it on. Moving the tank left this room empty, so we now have a basement storage room that's conveniently right under our office, where our router is also currently located. + +One day, I'd love to wire the whole house up with ethernet, but today is not that day. We got creative (or sloppy, as I'm sure any professional network folks reading this will say): there are a bunch of unused vents throughout the house. It used to have a central fan system and, for some inexplicable reason, a previous owner ripped it out and left all the vents but not the ducts.[^1] Many of these vents run straight through into the basement,[^2] including one on the floor of the office, hidden by some built-in bookcases. Joe cleverly used some string for a string trimmer to pull the cable through the vent and into the basement room through a pre-existing hole. + +![Image of a cable coming through a wall](https://cdn.cassie.land/images/2024/07/PXL_20240727_194918310.jpg) + +With ethernet pulled down, the rack was ready to hook up. Right now I have the world's shittiest surge protector down there, but I have a rack mounted surge protector en route to me. The ethernet is dangling, but again, down the line, I'll get a proper network setup. + +![Image of a server rack with an installed chassis wired up](https://cdn.cassie.land/images/2024/07//PXL_20240727_195827848.MP.jpg) + +For now, I've accomplished the goal of getting the rack established and getting the server off the floor of my living spaces. I'm hopeful the cooler basement will improve the temperatures inside the chassis, too. + +[^1]: A shame, as if the ducts were still there, we could relatively easily retrofit central air conditioning. +[^2]: A friend of mine came over once to help assemble some furniture, removed her rings, then dropped them straight through the vent. There was a moment of panic until we realized they just fell straight down into the basement. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/Old Woman Yells at the Cloud.md b/content/posts/Old Woman Yells at the Cloud.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..28f0055 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Old Woman Yells at the Cloud.md @@ -0,0 +1,39 @@ +--- +title: Old Woman Yells at the Cloud +date: 2023-07-31 +url: old-woman-yells-at-the-cloud +tags: + - internet +draft: false +--- +I recently listened to an episode of *Never Been a Better Podcast* in which Austin Walker, referencing [a Twitter thread](https://twitter.com/v21/status/1490297801569353729) by @v21, posited that we are moving into a new era of the internet where content is generated by machines rather than people; where once the internet was used by people to access large bodies of information and to connect with *other* people, we now use it to connect with machines that regurgitate photocopies of photocopies of information. + +The transformation of the internet from a database of (somewhat) reliable information into a long game of telephone is troubling; as they discuss on that same podcast, no video game walkthrough site that ranks at the top of Google today is ever more reliable than the GameFAQs txt files filled with ASCII art that were painstakingly written by fourteen year olds, peer reviewed, and continuously revised. + +That is all true, and it is worth discussing and writing about. But I am thinking about the point of connection. I often feel that we have lost the human connection found on the internet of old. + +--- +I don't know how old I was exactly when I "discovered" the internet. I can remember when we got a computer. I was four or five years old, which would have been 1998 or 1999; my dad bought a PC because he was in college at the time, and our musty basement became its home. I spent time playing *Gus Goes to Cyberopolis* and various *Reader Rabbit* titles. My dad would go on to drop out of college, and when my parents split up a few years later, the PC remained and eventually made its way up to the main house. I continued with my edutainment games and graduated to doodling on MS Paint and experimenting with fonts in Microsoft Word and PowerPoint. (This, I have realized, was my first hit of the rich world of font obsession, and I have maintained that sickness into adulthood; I also started to play a lot of Solitaire, which I still do today, too.) The extent of my forays into the internet were, however, when my siblings and I browbeat my mother into allowing us to start a Neopets account and when we would watch over my older cousin's shoulder as she browsed FunnyJunk (a proto-meme site), Albino Black Sheep, and Bored.com. + +My experiences with Neopets were short lived because I was too young and too stupid to figure out how to make money, so I couldn't feed my Neopets and had to get food from the soup kitchens. It felt bleak; how I missed the games on Neopets, I do not know, but suffice to say that this capitalism simulator was not the stuff of thrills for elementary schoolers. The websites my cousin would browse felt a bit too risqué for me, so after a stint where I would play *Cadet Kelly* games on the Disney website, I eventually landed on one of the only websites I knew to be safe, trustworthy, and mom-approved: eBay. + +My mother has been an active eBay user since 1998. Most afternoons when she was home from work, she would sit at her desk and browse eBay, eventually building a decent side-income buying and selling curtains on there. eBay was a fixture in our household, and so it became my first step into online fandom. I would spend hours searching my favorite video game and book series on eBay and browse the troves of merchandise for purchase. Somewhere in my brain, I realized that there were other people out there who loved the same things as me. + +That opened the floodgates. Soon I was browsing Angelfire and Geocities fanpages, reading fanfiction, and joining message boards. I was teaching myself HTML and CSS to create personal and fan websites on Freewebs. All of this was in pursuit of connecting with other (by this point) pre-teens and teens (and some grown adults) who shared my passions. I didn't find those same connections at school, so I sought, and found, them online. + +This so far is a rather rosy view of the early web and my time on it. I don't mean to say that all of my interactions online were positive, and my relationship with the internet as the years went on became deeply unhealthy. I spent most of my childhood on the internet and did a lot of stupid shit on it. But the best parts of it were feeling like I was part of something -- a community -- and like I *mattered* within it -- something that I was not finding in my "real" life. (I would often decry the folks who drew a line between their online lives and "irl" because, to me, the internet *was* my life.) + +To keep those rose-colored glasses on for a few more minutes, though, I miss that today. I miss following the webrings and reading the webmaster's about page. I miss searching up my rare pair on Fanfiction.net and finding one (very dedicated) user churning out fics. I miss reading guestbooks and comment sections (that aren't filled with the most hateful tripe you can imagine). + +I miss feeling like the internet was something bigger than me but that I was a part of it. I miss feeling like my voice mattered on it. I miss feeling like I wasn't just shouting into the void; people were calling back. + +--- +There is human connection to be found online today. Many, many folks use social media to keep up with faraway friends and family (I do, too); there are thriving Discord servers centered around fandoms and other niche internets[^1]; and there are amazing efforts out there like the [IndieWeb](https://indieweb.org/) that seek to reclaim some of the experiences I've described. It all just feels too *big*. I took a broad step back from my once rather public (but thankfully detached from my "real" self, by which I mean my name and my face) internet persona and intentionally broke a lot of the connections I had, choosing instead to focus on college and my career and my in-person relationships. I am happier and in a better place mentally for it. But I have still, over the years, remained on social media, tried to put my voice out there in small ways (blogging and podcasting, mostly). I often question whether those attempts are a relapse, chasing the hollow highs I once felt from (very minor and within a very niche circle) internet notoriety. + +I'm choosing instead to interpret the urge as chasing after the internet that once felt useful and exciting and joyful to me rather than the one I see today, which feels like a proverbial yoke around society's neck. I want to reclaim control of the time I spend online and the content that I choose to put onto it -- rather than feed the obsessive spirals I once fell into, which have grown more and more insidious as they have corporatized and monetized and designed algorithms that provide steady streams of dopamine. I want to focus on the small: the independently run, the hyper-focused, the demonetized. The shit made by folks who are, like me, passionate and a little bored and who have a little more time than good sense. + +I think my failed attempts at blogging in the past have always come back to feeling like I didn't have anything useful or productive to say. I was focused on the *void* and not on the *shouting*. Perhaps sometimes we need to shout to just to shout, to shout just to hear *ourselves*, to shout just to know that we are alive and have a voice that we can use. Otherwise, we learn to feel voiceless and alienated and disconnected, and we feed the content machines that are delivered to us rather than find our own internal power. + +This is the first time in human history wherein we *can* shout and be heard by millions of people across the globe with the push of a few buttons. The long-dead writers and artists I love did not have that luxury, but that didn't stop them from shouting. I'm often caught in the anxiety that someone has already said what I'm getting at, probably in a more witty or articulate manner. Maybe or maybe not. That's not what matters. Quiet is passive. Quiet is easy. Time to break the silence and use my voice. Connections will follow. + +[^1]: I have my issues with how communities have moved to a closed, non-indexable platform like Discord rather than open spaces like forums, but perhaps that's a post for another day. diff --git a/content/posts/On Teaching.md b/content/posts/On Teaching.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..55a3e25 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/On Teaching.md @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ +--- +title: On Teaching +date: 2023-08-18 +url: on-teaching +tags: + - teaching +draft: false +--- +This September marks the start of my fourth year teaching. + +When I was a kid, I was always interested in teaching; my grandparents had an unfinished basement that, for some reason, had a little chalkboard and table. My siblings and I would play school down there, and I loved to play the role of teacher -- despite being considerably younger than them.[^1] I loved school, too. I loved most every subject (especially grammar -- I'm one of the few children who absolutely rejoiced when asked to take out my grammar workbook) and was, at the risk of conceit, _good_ at academics. I also read voraciously in elementary school. + +When I was in the seventh grade, I became somewhat disillusioned with English class. It entertains my students when I tell them that I absolutely hated seventh grade English, and I attribute this largely to my teacher. I don't think she was incompetent, but she was uninspired in her approach. The texts we read were dreadful (_The Cay_ and _The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle_, I am convinced, will turn any child against the field of English literature wholesale), which I know may have been beyond her control, and it was one of the first times in my schooling that I struggled to grasp concepts, namely sentence types and who/whom.[^2] + +Eighth grade rolled around, and I had a teacher I felt I _connected_ with in some way; I saw her as a role model and, more importantly, she encouraged me to use my voice, to share my ideas. I've always been opinionated (a "smartass," in the words of one of my elementary school teachers), and those opinions always manifested around our class texts, but I never felt that I was in an open, collaborative environment that encouraged me to share those opinions. I started slow; she was a new teacher, and she would try to lead class discussions and be met with blank stares (a symptom of middle school more so than her teaching, I think). I was bored of the silence and chose, at last, to tell her that I thought _The Old Man and the Sea_ was boring tripe and that Hemingway's emphasis on simple, straightforward prose followed from the hyper-masculine assumption that literature should not be beautiful and artful, which is stupid.[^3] She smiled and challenged me on some of this, but the message was received: it was _okay_ -- encouraged, even -- to not like the books teachers presented me with, and I _should_ voice my opinions! She also was the first teacher to take us deeper into a text as we dove into the Christian allegory of the story, so that even if I didn't personally _enjoy_ reading the book, I could at least respect some elements of it.[^4] I had held onto my interest in teaching -- though, being thirteen, I had a lot more teenage concerns on my mind than what I wanted to do when I "grew up" -- but it gained focus that year. I thought, _maybe **this** is what I want to do._ + +High school proceeded and I had some ups and downs in my freshman and sophomore English courses.[^5] I also started taking technology courses now that I was actually offered electives. I was, and still am, a bona fide computer nerd; most of my teenage years were spent online[^6], and I just loved _tinkering_. I had the privilege of going to a bougie high school that offered tech classes sponsored by Cisco, which went through basic computer maintenance to fundamentals of computer networks (I learned to subnet, by hand) all the way to programming corporate routers. My teacher of those courses encouraged me, told me I had a natural ability with the technology (maybe true, but again, computer nerd -- this was the sort of thing I was already doing in my free time, to an extent) and that I could have a lucrative career in it straight out of high school. He also made clear that my gender would benefit me; companies would hire me to meet diversity goals. I could reasonably expect to make in the high five-figures at an entry level if I used some of the connections he offered me.[^7] + +As the end of high school started to loom, I was conflicted: I was passionate about both paths and could see myself in either. I had another English teacher my junior year who again connected me to the subject and stood to me as a window into what my future could be -- but I also knew the teaching market was, at the time, awful for English teachers. And even if I _could_ find a job, I could only dream of making the salary that technology offered. But I couldn't shake the memory of how it felt to be in eighth grade, and then eleventh grade, and have a teacher who lit me up: who showed me how complex and debatable and transformative literature could be, who listened patiently as I railed against authors and texts they no doubt loved, who challenged me to find reasoning and evidence and integrate theory with my (sometimes borderline edgelord) critiques, who said to me, perhaps not in these words but in their practice, "You have a voice and that voice _matters_." + +At last during senior year, I felt I had to commit. I went to my English teacher from the previous year and asked her how she chose teaching. I won't share the details of her story -- it's her story to tell -- but she described being in a very similar situation as me: torn between what seemed _practical_ and what she was _passionate_ about. She chose the passion. + +I did, too. + +I'm reflecting on all of this because I have been on summer break for the last month and a half now, and while it has been much needed relaxation and recuperation ([and moving](/stages-of-moving/)), at my department curriculum planning day today, I felt like myself again. A coworker brought up our staff mega millions pool, and I confess that I bought in often because I'd feel like a fool if a bunch of my coworkers won millions and I was still out here teaching. She said she would keep teaching; another coworker agreed; and I did too. We worked all day, and even when I got home, I wanted to start creating and revising curriculum, setting up my learning management system, getting ready for the start of the year.[^8] + +I love teaching. I feel lucky to have coworkers who love it like I do. I'm going to try to remember all of this on the days when I _don't_ feel surrounded by coworkers who share my passions, on the days when the career is hard to love. It's worth it. + +(I still would like to be paid more, please.) + +[^1]: Perhaps this was more control freak tendencies than love for teaching, but then, I'm not sure teaching and being a control freak are ontologically separate. + +[^2]: I'm a big proponent of teaching grammar in context and regularly. That was not the approach that this teacher took; she spent a handful of isolated days making us do worksheets on comma splices and making us distinguish between who and whom without helping us understand _why_ things worked as they do -- and then tested us on it at the end of the week and expected it to just be seared within our memories months later despite not mentioning it ever again. + +[^3]: Perhaps not in these words exactly, but I was getting there. + +[^4]: I have not read _The Old Man and the Sea_, or really any Hemingway, since then, so I do not necessarily think these opinions hold up. But then, it really is a boring book. + +[^5]: There are two stories I like to tell about how spite inspired me to become a teacher, and one occurred in my 10th grade English class. Another story for another post, I think; it didn't feel like it "fit" here. + +[^6]: Also another story for another time, but one I'm not sure I'm ready or willing to tell. + +[^7]: I don't resent his pointing this out, for two reasons: one, it was true, and probably still is; two, he never presented it in a way that made me uncomfortable. He was matter-of-fact about it -- it was an advantage I had that I _should_ behoove myself of, but he also was willing to discuss the challenges I would face, too, as a woman in a male-dominated field. + +[^8]: Instead I chose to write this, which is probably the healthier option. diff --git a/content/posts/Reflections on elections.md b/content/posts/Reflections on elections.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c7c194 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Reflections on elections.md @@ -0,0 +1,46 @@ +--- +title: Reflections on elections +date: 2024-11-07 +url: reflections-on-elections +tags: + - life + - politics +draft: false +--- +2016 was the first year I was eligible to vote in a presidential election. I was away at college, so I completed an absentee ballot, and, like most, felt confident in what I thought would be the result. I was no big fan of Clinton's — I voted for Bernie in the primaries — but the other option was laughable: I couldn't believe that a major political party put such a clown up as their candidate, and I thought the electorate was smart enough to see him for the fraud (and fascist) he was. + +On the night of Tuesday, November 8th, I had a Diversity in Education class at 5:30pm. I enjoyed the class; it was mostly discussion-based, encouraging future educators to consider how they might be more inclusive and equitable in their practices. The curriculum was not as aggressive as I might have liked — I had cut my teeth as a teen on leftist circles of tumblr, so by comparison, the concept of considering diversity beyond celebrating and recognizing Black History Month was pretty banal. Even so, I was glad to be in a room with (mostly) like-minded people eager to make kids feel seen and hard. + +The class was held in my college's education building, which was built partially into a hill. The front of the building is a stunning wall of open windows that frame the mountain-facing campus. At the rear of the building, where my class met, we had no windows — and, critically, no cell reception. + +The twenty of us entered our silo unbothered, calm, sure of the forthcoming election results. Like most of our class meetings, there was an energy of optimism: we were all excited to begin our careers as teachers; believed we would inspire real social change by raising conscientious, justice-oriented young people; envisioned beginning our adult lives under the first female president, albeit a problematic white lady. Progress, even though it was slow, felt possible. + +An hour and a half into class, we were let out on a short break — people splintered off to use the restroom, grab something from the vending machines, stretch their legs, and check their phones. + +The mood instantaneously soured as we lit up our screens and laid witness to the dismal reality. Smiling faces became shocked and grave. Our professor fruitlessly tried to pull us back together, but eventually acknowledged that we could never pivot back to where we had been. From here, there was no going back. We fed each other election copium, insisted that this was only a red mirage, that the needle would tick left as the night went on. We ended class early, and we exited that room different people than when we had first gone in. I walked back to my car, panicked and dejected. + +To borrow a cliche, I woke up the next morning absolutely certain that I was caught in a dream — that I had imagined the night before and was waking in a world where, in a few short months, a woman would lead the country. With mixed hesitation and optimism, I reached to the TV tray I was using as a nightstand, woke up my phone, and was yanked into the new reality before me. +___ +This year, my partner and I voted early, and as we walked out of the polling place, he remarked, "I don't want to jinx anything, but we might have just voted for the first black woman president." I waffled, not out of superstition but from experience. I had learned to be careful with my heart. + +Election day came around like a blur; I almost forgot it was a scheduled date, having voted almost two weeks before. I stayed away from news reports, early polling; I heard rumblings from some about Ann Selzer and young voter turnout and bomb threats, but I mentally enforced my 2016 bomb shelter: no phone, no election news, no gossip with coworkers. I needed to get through the school day. + +On the way home, I stopped at a friend's house to pick up some donations she had for my school's GSA. We kept it light; the first polls hadn't closed yet, so there was nothing much to say beyond speculation. Her husband's words echoed my partner's: "It's still early to tell, and I don't want to jinx anything, but early polls look good." I hoped he was right, but I resisted optimism. Hope doesn't change a coin flip. + +My mental state deteriorated as I went home. A friend messaged me in panic around 6:30, but I told her it was way too early to react. I went about my normal routine — shower, eat dinner, spend time with my cats — but I finally couldn't resist any more. I looked at my phone. I saw the numbers. + +I browsed the internet frenetically, looking for any salve internet pundits could offer. When I saw Pennsylvania with 85% of votes counted, I knew the race was sealed. +___ +A few days have passed. I feel the same: emotionally distraught, unable to focus on my work, simmering rage, immeasurable grief. + +I mourn for my loved ones: my trans brother; my friend with undocumented parents; my friend who has struggled with infertility and miscarriages. + +I mourn for my future: the children I want to have but now question — how can I responsibly, ethically, lovingly bring a child into *this*? + +I mourn for the career that I love, that challenges children to think for themselves, to question authority, to collaborate with each other — all of which will come under attack in the years to come. + +I mourn for my students, twelve years old and without hope that there is a good world waiting for them. + +I mourn for the people placed in real, present danger by the hate of the coming administration — the deportations; the genocide; the lack of access to health care, housing, food; the worldwide dominos knocked backward into fascism by the bumbling hands of a barely-lucid fascist and a self-interested, deluded, resentful electorate. + +I wish I had words about continuing the fight, about not losing hope. Right now, the grief is too much. Four years sounds easy, but this is a lifetime of Supreme Court appointments. Damage is swift, explosive; repair takes generations. Right now, it all feels like too much. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/Stages of Moving.md b/content/posts/Stages of Moving.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6864e08 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Stages of Moving.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +title: Stages of Moving +date: 2023-08-15 +url: stages-of-moving +tags: + - life +draft: false +--- +## Stage 1: Denial & Naivety +I don't have that much stuff. I don't think packing is going to be that hard this time. I've already boxed up my books -- how much more could I need to do? + +## Stage 2: Coping / Bargaining +Okay, there is actually a lot to do, but it's not so bad. I can just drop everything in the garage and focus on cleaning the apartment. + +## Stage 3: False Hope +I hired movers for two and a half hours and they did a hell of a job. _I'm almost done_, I think to myself, foolishly. + +## Stage 4: Penance +All of my muscles are strained and it is manifesting as pain in my sternum, so I am now convinced that I am having a stress-induced heart event as some kind of cosmic payment for my earlier insolence. + +## Stage 5: False Hope Revisited +Everything has made it to the new location! There is an end in sight! I can rest a little and allow myself to heal! + +## Stage 6: Humiliation, to Bring Me Back to My Lowered Station +Everything is in boxes and so I can't do simple tasks like cook or get dressed. I spend the day wearing a bathing suit instead of a bra. I still have no internet and all I want is to watch a season of _Survivor_ so I can feel some shred of normalcy. + +## Stage 7: Menial Physical Labor to Remind Myself That I Am a Maggot to Be Crushed under God’s Cruel Toe +I have to wash every dish before putting it away because I have brain worms and I decided, like a fool, to wait to install a dishwasher. I am constantly bent over to unpack boxes or clean something. The mountain of Shit in Boxes never gets smaller. Things will never be normal again. + +## Stage 8: Regret & (Hopefully Figurative) Self-Immolation +Who was I to think I deserved a nice place to live? What gave me these wild aspirations, this sense of entitlement? Who do I think I am? + +## Stage 9: Which Appears to Me Only in the Realm of Dreams +I am unpacked and life is normal again. diff --git a/content/posts/Thirteen to Know Me.md b/content/posts/Thirteen to Know Me.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c404891 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Thirteen to Know Me.md @@ -0,0 +1,33 @@ +--- +title: Thirteen to Know Me +date: 2024-03-10 +url: thirteen-to-know-me +tags: + - life + - music +draft: false +--- +@jamesmckz [shared the following challenge on X](https://twitter.com/jamesmckz/status/1764778536244507081) earlier this month: + +> No cheating - your Quietus style Bakers Dozen. 13 albums (off the top of your head) to know you by. Not looking for a perfect list, looking for a list that you instantly regret posting because you then remember something else. + +I approached my response largely as a list of albums that have meant something to me in my life — not necessarily what I'm actively listening to at the moment. Many of these albums I've not listened to much in years, but I consider them pivotal, essential listening for *me*.[^1] + +* [*We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed*, Los Campesinos!](https://loscampesinos.bandcamp.com/album/we-are-beautiful-we-are-doomed-remastered-edition) - Los Campesinos! has been my favorite band since I was 13. I found them when I chanced upon ["Death to Los Campesinos!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K12AvBXJMSo) airing on mtvU; I spent the following few years obsessed, exploring their (at the time limited) discography and spiderwebbing through related acts (Slow Club, Xiu Xiu, Johnny Foreigner, Animal Collective — those often mentioned in the same breath or who dominated indie spaces at the time). *WAB, WAD* released when I was 14 years old and it marked me, as albums that release when you're 14 do. LC!'s more recent releases receive more frequent plays for me these days, but *WAB, WAD* holds a special place: it's brash and cheeky, blending the hyperactive indie pop of *Hold On Now, Youngster...* with the more mature, refined palates of what would come. +* [*Sick Scenes*, Los Campesinos!](https://loscampesinos.bandcamp.com/album/sick-scenes) - As of writing, *Sick Scenes* is LC!'s most recent, though not for long.[^2] It's probably my all-around favorite release of theirs; it retains their signature mix of smart-mouth lyrics and overly-affected melodrama but beautifully pulls back the instrumentation. *Sick Scenes* is almost sparse in places, evoking a maturity in sound that distinguishes it from some of their earlier discography.[^3] It feels like LC! for the adult me. +* [*Sylvan Esso*, Sylvan Esso](https://sylvanesso.bandcamp.com/album/sylvan-esso) - I don't remember how I found "Hey Mami," but the moment I stumbled upon it, I remember thinking to myself, *"This is all I'm about from now on."* It's infectiously catchy, and Sylvan Esso has an incredibly organic vocals and groovy beats. I listened to the album on and off for years, different tracks holding special esteem at different moments of my life. More recently, I bought the album on vinyl, and it's probably been the most played of my collection. It's my go-to for a chill evening, for a pick me up, for sharing music with just about any friend who walks in. +* [*Swimming*, Mac Miller](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzAjXdBJsEc&list=OLAK5uy_nDheeuXYg9hksmCezWxswPTivVoqyNCQc&index=2) - I came to Mac after he died, and by that I mean *right after*. I saw the headlines announcing his overdose and despite knowing hardly anything about him (and not really listening to rap), I was shaken. I dove into his discography, and since then, he's become my second most-streamed artist of all time. I go back and forth with his discography — sometimes I'm obsessed with *Faces*, others *Watching Movies with the Sound Off*, lately *GO:OD AM* — but I always come back to *Swimming*. To me, it's his most complete, most mature album.[^4] It's a zero-skip album for me (except for maybe "Come Back to Earth" — it feels like an intro, not a song), which is rare, even among this list. +* [*Yeah So*, Slow Club](https://slowclub.bandcamp.com/album/yeah-so-2) - In the throes of my early teen obsession with Los Campesinos!, Slow Club was a close number two. I spent the summer of 2008 chatting on AIM with an online friend and listening to scarcely anything else. We loved the same music and exchanged lyrics and obsessions back and forth. *Yeah So* takes me back to then, to friendship and simpler times. +* [*Silent Alarm*, Bloc Party](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_kqYBQ3_sL9I0u1AHthqWA4yzqa19l9OPI) - I feel I have little to say about *Silent Alarm*, comparatively, other than it fucking rocks. To me, it's still the best of Bloc Party's releases, and it's another album with virtually zero skips. +* [*Ys*, Joanna Newsom](https://joannanewsom.bandcamp.com/album/ys) - *Ys* is a juggernaut — absolutely critical listening. It's deep and daunting, with writing that sets my English teacher brain alight. When I try to expose friends to Joanna, I play them [my favorite portion of "Only Skin,"](https://youtu.be/DQSbjJ6EVmw?si=VTXSlegaUb9DD17y&t=356) hoping to win them over with the phenomenal prosody and abstract, imaginative lyricism ("Awful atoll — / O, incalculable indiscreetness and sorrow! / Bawl bellow: / Sibyl sea-cow, all done up in a bow / Toddle and roll / Teeth an impalpable bit of leather / while yarrow, heather and hollyhock awkwardly molt along the shore"), the jubilant and embattled refrain of "Being a woman, being a woman." Joanna is an artist, and that artistry has grown and evolved since *Ys*, but *Ys* is pivotal. +* [*how i'm feeling now*, Charli XCX](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_kHjqL8bBNaNPRD5pNivPR3z8xDvlsq54Y) - Charli is a more recent addition to my all-timers; I've still not really fully dived into her discography, but I love her rambunctious pop; to me, it's the most successful (while still faithful) mainstream interpretation of the PC Music sound and ethos. *how i'm feeling* is the most consistent of Charli's releases for me, and I first heard it shortly after its release, making it particularly timely, as an album primarily written and recorded during early days of the pandemic. +* [*Chants*, The Peripheral Ones](https://theperipheralones.bandcamp.com/album/chants) - This is the most esoteric of my bullshit. I made it a point in my teen years to find the most obscure music possible that was also somewhat listenable. That took me frequently to sites like purevolume and Myspace, where I looked for artists with small followings. I somehow stumbled upon The Middle Ones, and they became a relic of my music library that I'd revisit from time to time. In 2015, I saw someone shared a link to *Chants*, an album of Middle Ones covers, on the now-defunct anorak forums. I positively love these covers, which are clear products of love and reverence that still experiment and innovate. +* [*In Sickness & In Flames*, The Front Bottoms](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_nc7cL6f0gnfXWLhVfTlzo_gL9xlkaJJ74) - I don't believe in the concept of guilty pleasures, but if I did, The Front Bottoms would be mine. I know they're not good. I know Brian Sella can't sing. But what else am I meant to do with lyrics like "You'll always be my girlfriend / Even after we get married / And no matter how sad I am / I'll try to make you happy"? +* [*Visions*, Grimes](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_lUsDgd77iAxl2thSkCvOtx-uSAJ41cz1M) - I am deeply uncomfortable calling myself a Grimes fan post-Elon (probably pre- too, if I'm being honest — Grimes has been on her bullshit for a long time). I was no stranger to weird shit when I started listening to Grimes, but Grimes was a *new kind* of weird bullshit for me. In _Visions_ especially, the vocals and lyrics are at times abstracted and indistinct. They’re like another instrument, layered into wandering synthesizers and catchy beats. *Visions* is a huge, remarkable album made by a deeply problematic person. I'm allowed a few of those. +* [*An Awesome Wave*, alt+J](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_nBHJOcm_3m37RgVj_BZ2mtwg9QTkbv-qA) - When I think of albums that instantly transport me back to an era of my life, *An Awesome Wave* is up there. I listened to the record a bunch in my first year of college, a time where I was clawing out of the deepest depression of my life and beginning to figure out who I wanted to be. alt+J is passé, these days, but at the time, they were a fresh wave for me — musically and emotionally. +* [*Dear God, I Hate Myself*, Xiu Xiu](https://xiuxiu.bandcamp.com/album/dear-god-i-hate-myself) - By contrast, Xiu Xiu is what I was listening to when I was incredibly depressed and unhappy, to the point where I swore off of them for a few years as I tried to get to a better place, mentally. *Dear God, I Hate Myself* has crept itself back, but it's another one that's indicative and evocative of an era of my life that is etched in memory and that I am glad to have left behind. + +[^1]: Presented in no particular order and, as the prompt outlines, with a lot of regrets. +[^2]: Los Campesinos! announced their seventh full LP a few weeks ago. +[^3]: Which I love dearly; reflecting on this list, I'm debating with myself as to whether this should really be *Romance is Boring* and I'm full of baloney. +[^4]: Unsurprisingly, given that it is the last he released before he passed. diff --git a/content/posts/What's This.md b/content/posts/What's This.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4609297 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/What's This.md @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ +--- +title: What's This? +date: 2023-07-26 +url: what's-this +tags: + - meta +draft: false +--- + +Well, I have another blog. + +Welcome to [cassie.land](https://cassie.land), the latest (as of writing this) web project that I've started and may promptly abandon. + +Here's the truth: These past few months have shown me the impermanence of online platforms. I have quit reddit with the third-party API shutdowns, and while I am probably better off for it, it does feel like losing one of the bastions of the internet I once knew. I regret to inform that I am officially an old person on the internet; I yearn for the days of hyper-specific Geocities pages with incredibly useful information written by a thirteen year old screaming into the void (and for the days where our search engines actually directed us to that information rather than some circuitous tripe written by AI that packs in every SEO keyword without actually saying anything). + +Originally, this was written on my old WordPress blog, a site I've had up for almost ten years now (and which I will not link, because _ten years_ -- I haven't decided fully what I want to do with it). I've been using WordPress on and off for random projects for going on fifteen years now, and while it's comfortable and flexible and I know it well, I yearn for something different. Something lighter. Something new. ~~Enter Grav, which I've now spent the night learning.~~ Enter Hugo, which I switched to kind of on a whim — Grav is cool, but it felt a little too easy. I'm a masochist, I guess; I miss code. Grav felt like a shortcut and like more bloat than I wanted. + +And so I hope to make this a resolution to blog more, openly, about me. I have thoughts I like to share and a desire to catalogue the things I am interested in, and it just doesn’t seem viable any more to do so on any online platforms that I don’t own. I feel, in a sense, “homeless” on the internet, and I think it is time we make those homes on ground that won’t be pulled out from under us by soulless corporations and CEOs. + +I'm not fully sure what this will end up being, but thanks for reading and joining me on the ride. diff --git a/content/posts/Your silence will not protect you.md b/content/posts/Your silence will not protect you.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2d0579c --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/Your silence will not protect you.md @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ +--- +title: Your silence will not protect you +date: 2024-04-14 +url: your-silence-will-not-protect-you +tags: + - life + - teaching +draft: false +--- +I've talked before on this blog about [being a teacher](../on-teaching/) and how passionate I am about my work; the time I spend with my students — which should be paramount and where all my energy goes — comes naturally. I often remark that I feel like I'm doing a stand-up comedy routine[^1] while teaching because my goal is not only to instruct but to develop joy in learning, in reading, in writing. + +Where my job suddenly becomes complicated is the *external* work, that is, everything that is not teaching my students or directly related to them (i.e. grading, preparing lessons, selecting materials, and so on). Unfortunately, teaching is an incredibly political job, as we teachers must manage our relationships with our colleagues and administrators just as much as we do with our students. It's this part of the work that I have the least enthusiasm for and which is particularly treacherous for new teachers, as the prevailing philosophy is to keep one's head down until tenured. That's largely what I tried to do for my first year or two. It helped that I started in 2020, when I really *couldn't* interact with my colleagues much, as many of us were working from home (and those of us working from the building were isolating within our classrooms). This was a tremendously lonely way to start in a new workplace, and certainly many of my colleagues were not as fastidious as I was about following COVID regulations in those first years, but they had the pre-existing relationships that made it more acceptable to step into someone's space for idle conversation. + +Now, in my tenure year, I've developed some close professional relationships (mostly with newer, like-minded teachers around my age). I don't feel as isolated, and I'm much more comfortable with passing conversation in the faculty room and hallways. My willingness to keep my mouth shut and not make waves, however, has waned. In a committee meeting a few weeks ago, conversation spiraled away from our ostensible focus — district-wide professional development needs — and into the workplace practices of some employees that prevent schools from being welcoming and affirming environments. The conversation involved folks mostly of the same dispositions as me[^2] at various stages of their careers: early career (me), middle career, old-dog veterans, and administrators. The conversation was cathartic, and the ruling message that bubbled to the surface was that it was beyond time to tolerate those teachers who do not treat their students with respect and who are not committed to social justice. + +I believe in that message, and that meeting was a bright spot in a low moment for me; I often feel bogged down by managing the politics of my job as an untenured teacher, by the constant negotiation of pushing back on toxic practices but not making a name for myself as an agitator lest it jeopardize my job. I've found myself in many situations — years ago and recently — where I've had to make the choice between standing up for what I believed in (at the risk of upsetting coworkers and administrators) and what would keep me safe. The wisdom many have given me was that the best thing I can do for my students is to stay employed, and so I've swallowed a lot of bitter pills and allowed behavior to continue that I find at best disrespectful and at worst disgusting as it perpetuates systems of exclusion and oppression. + +Almost four years in and on the verge of receiving tenure, my patience for this has evaporated. In some ways, that feeling is invigorating; I'm looking forward to no longer biting my tongue, and of course I must consider how the victims of my silence are my students. At last I feel I can do right by them and speak up. However, I must also prepare myself for the difficulty in being that agitator. I believe in [the power of two in the room](https://www.ted.com/talks/micah_wonjoon_kessel_two_in_the_room_radical_change_without_changing_radicals), but it's incredibly difficult to be the first person to speak up — and to face the personal and professional consequences of doing so. + +The fight is worth fighting, however. I open and close on [the immortal words of Audre Lorde in "The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action"](https://caps.sfsu.edu/sites/default/files/documents/Audre%20Lorde%20-%20Silence%20Into%20Action.pdf): + +> In becoming forcibly and essentially aware of my own morality, and of what I wished and wanted for my life, however short it might be, priorities and omissions became strongly etched in a merciless light, and what I most regretted were my silences. Of what had I *ever* been afraid? To question or to speak as I believed could have meant pain, or death. But we all hurt in so many different ways, all the time, and pain will either change or end. Death, on the other hand, is the final silence. And that might be coming quicky, now, without regard for whether I had ever spoken what needed to be said, or had only betrayed myself into small silences, while I planned someday to speak, or waited for someone else's words. And I began to recognize a source of power within myself that comes from the knowledge that while it is most desirable not to be afraid, learning to put fear into perspective gave me great strength. +> +> I was going to die, if not sooner than later, whether or not I had ever spoken myself. My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you... Because the machine will try to grind you into dust anyway, whether or not we speak. We can sit in our corners mute forever while our sisters and our selves are wasted, while our children are distorted and destroyed, while our earth is poisoned; we can sit in our safe corners mute as bottles, and we will still be no less afraid. + +[^1]: My stand-up routine for my students is heavy on audience participation, which, I'm told, is the lowest form of comedy. +[^2]: Bleeding heart, leftist wokies. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/an ode to gitsync.md b/content/posts/an ode to gitsync.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8593a77 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/an ode to gitsync.md @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +--- +title: an ode to gitsync +date: 2024-12-01 +url: an-ode-to-gitsync +tags: + - tech + - meta +draft: false +--- +Since I [moved this site to Hugo](https://esotericbullshit.net/what%27s-this-%28and-how-it-works%29/), I've been using an app called GitJournal to post from my phone. I have a beautiful desk setup with a clacky mechanical keyboard that's a joy to write on, but the simple fact is that I'm a lazy shit and want to update my blog from the couch. It's all mostly worked fine, with some headaches. I originally intended to use GitJournal to store my Github repo to my phone's filesystem and then point an Obsidian[^1] vault at that. + +Unfortunately, GitJournal currently [cannot store the repo](https://github.com/GitJournal/GitJournal/issues/925) in the Android filesystem due to a permissions issue, so I can't use it with Obsidian. GitJournal's note-taking app is serviceable, but again, I want to use Obsidian. I've been making-do with GitJournal for a few months now — for once in my life, not fixing what's broken — operating under the assumption that there were no other options. + +Allow me to repeat myself: I am a lazy shit. + +I am now using [GitSync](https://github.com/ViscousPot/GitSync). It's dead simple: you sign in with your Github account, select the repo you want to clone to your device, and that's it. Critically for me, however, it has a setting to automatically sync the repo when you open and close certain apps — for me, Obsidian. + +![GitSync screenshot](/img/2024/gitsync.png) + +This is the beauty of GitSync: it stays out of my way. Now that it's configured, I don't have to open it or think about it. I open Obsidian, write my silly little posts, close Obsidian, and I'm done. + +Everyone should have their own space on the web, and there are great tools out there like [bearblog](https://bearblog.dev) and [Pika](https://pika.page/) and so on. But I'm tired of hoping platforms and losing content: I want to own my space and what I write. **I'm an idiot and I generally have no idea what I'm doing**, so if you're of a similar mind to me but daunted by the concept of creating your own website, shoot me an email. I'm not an expert, but I can at least share what I've learned and what I've set up: a way to run your own website but really just type shit in a note-taking app. Simple and frictionless.[^2] +[^1]: Obsidian is currently my preferred app for writing on my phone and on my PC. I'm not really using it as a knowledge management system like some people (although I would like to maybe move my Notion database of lesson and unit plans over to it), and I'm only currently using two plugins with it majorly, but [its ethos aligns with mine](https://obsidian.md/about) for what an app should be. +[^2]: that is, unless you like to incessantly poke at shit and tinker like me, and then things change and break. but the posting, the posting is simple. diff --git a/content/posts/breaking silences.md b/content/posts/breaking silences.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7c830bc --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/breaking silences.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +title: breaking silences +date: 2024-06-20 +url: breaking-silences +tags: + - life + - teaching +draft: false +--- +[Last time I updated this blog](/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/), I wrote about silences in my professional career. These past few weeks, I feel I am doing the work to break mine. + +I am the faculty advisor for my middle school's GSA. I have been for years now, and it's something I'm very proud of, but this year especially I feel I have a great crop of kids that I'm really connecting with. At my town's Pride festival in early June, my club had a booth selling crafts the kids had made to raise funds. The kids filtered in and out to help sell goods, but mostly I think they just valued having a "home base" at the event. For me, it was a long, socially draining day, but speaking to them afterward about the experience and hearing them tell me how at home they felt at the festival, how comfortable they felt being themselves, was so gratifying. + +I also (inadvertently) walked into orientation for our incoming students. Our guidance counselor, who was giving the presentation, asked me to talk to the kids about the clubs I run; when I mentioned Pride Club, a handful of kids immediately lit up and excitedly looked at each other. I often feel I'm not achieving as much as I could be with the club, but I have to remind myself of how much it means to those kids — even if it's only five or ten of them. + +In line with that, I have been pushing for the last several years for my district to mandate trainings for staff on making LGBTQ+ kids feel safe, welcomed, and affirmed. I was met at first with a lot of inaction — encouraging words but no real initiative from the people who can actually make that happen. So I decided to do it myself. I, along with some amazing colleagues and friends, adapted a training curriculum we found online and offered workshops at regional conferences. We partnered with my Alma mater to do the training for their education students. We even, through word of mouth, were contacted by a neighboring district and paid to do a workshop for them as guest presenters. I joined my district's professional development committee to force the issue. And it worked: this summer, I will be preparing a team of my coworkers who can provide the training district-wide, with a trainer in every building. + +I've also taken on [The Trevor Project's 53 mile Pride Ride challenge](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/blog/why-we-ride-stories-from-our-53-mile-pride-ride/) to raise money for the organization.[^1] I've raised over $300 so far, and the challenge has motivated me to re-commit to my fitness goals. I'm at (almost) 35 miles as of writing this; I was making great progress, but the heat wave affecting upstate NY has stagnated my progress (temporarily). + +And finally, next year, I hope to join my district's Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Committee and push my efforts even further. I've put in my application to join and been (verbally) promised a seat — and convinced some of my previously jaded coworkers to also put their voices in the ring. + +All this always comes with a lingering imposter syndrome, of course. My sexuality is not something I am generally open about professionally, and it's not something that often comes up personally, either, being in a straight-presenting relationship. Who am I to appoint myself diversity officer? What right do I have? + +But of course the work is important. Even as unqualified as I feel — as a white person, too, as my work for LGBTQ+ kids has intersected with other DEI work, especially around race — I am starting conversations and beginning the process. Hopefully one day I can take my seat on the cis white person bench knowing that I used my privilege to pave the way for others to take up the fight, knowing that I broke those initial silences. + +[^1]: I considered linking my fundraising page, but The Trevor Project is running the fundraiser through Facebook (gross), which is linked to my actual real life identity. I have a feeling that a determined reader with too much time on their hands and a good deal of internet sleuthing ability could figure that out on their own — after all, my URL is my first name — but I still would rather not provide the direct link publicly. That said, if any readers genuinely want to contribute to the fundraiser for not-creepy reasons, feel free to shoot me an email. I feel that's barrier enough. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/dad.md b/content/posts/dad.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ecb3f26 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/dad.md @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +--- +title: dad +date: 2024-12-29 +url: dad +tags: +draft: true +--- +My father left when I was six and never stopped leaving. At school events, scheduled visits, personal lows, I scanned the crowd for his face and didn't find it. I grew used to his absence and started to resent the appearances he made; when he did show up, I'd wish he hadn't. At my college graduation, he parted with the gift, "I'm glad you're not a fuck up like me," turning my achievements into his own deluded, narcissistic pursuit of sympathy. He at least — and unwittingly — stumbled upon a truth: I succeeded despite his example and influence. Never because of it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/hate for the island.md b/content/posts/hate for the island.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..de7ee0c --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/hate for the island.md @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ +--- +title: hate for the island +date: 2024-01-07 +url: hate-for-the-island +tags: + - life +draft: false +--- +I was born and raised on Long Island in a hamlet that rests along the Great South Bay.[^1] Known to most as a ferry town, this charming suburb lives and breathes the ocean. Most every resident has access to some kind of boat, whether through personal ownership or advantageous friendship. In the 90s, the town was voted the "friendliest town in America," a slogan that still adorns the sign as you drive into town, by a mysterious group that awards such superlatives. That accolade, along with our yacht clubs, country clubs, lack of racial diversity, and generalized fear of anything outside the norm makes the town the near picture of 1950s suburban ideal. + +In high school, the boys play football and the girls cheer them on; they graduate, marry, inherit the estate of their landed parents (who go on to relocate to the Hamptons or some other rich, desirable location), and have children of their own, thus completing their cyclical destiny. They do not fight. They do not divorce. They do not struggle, financially. They avoid anything seen as even slightly improper, for fear of damaging their social standing. And should the rebellious teenager stray out of line, their indiscretions quickly disappear, through privilege and influence and money. These people live happily trapped in their ticky-tacky homes and in their ticky-tacky lives. + +I have always felt at odds with that world. In high school, for an English class free-write, I composed an essay likening the residents of the town with vampires whose venom sucked anything interesting or genuine from a person. I did not fit within the grand picture of conformity and normalcy. I wanted to break out, to rip at its edges. + +But the town's carefully honed image was in flux; insularity was at threat. Manhattan was constantly encroaching, bringing along its noise, its commercialism. Drive just five minutes out of town and you are bombarded by retail, restaurants, parking lots lit by high power LEDs akin to those found in football stadiums. Roads have become highways and highways freeways; drivers race along them, always in a rush to their mysterious destinations, from early in the morning to late at night. For only so much longer can this little marina hold; the tide will soon fall and urbanization will cast anchor. What reminds of small-town ways of life will soon wash away. + +I moved away seven years ago and at last found some peace. I could see the stars. I could breathe air free from the ocean's salt, air that did not stifle or oppress. I could establish a new life without the weight and pain and baggage, without feeling like an outsider. I can grow. I can expand. I can sow my roots into a soil of possibility. I can carve out a world of my own, in which at last I feel I fit. And that feels like home. + +[^1]: This piece was written in early 2017 for a composition class; specifically, one that started with geobiography writing, a call to consider the places we've lived and the places that have made us who we are. At the time, I had just moved out of my hometown and to where I still live today (I modified some of the wording here to reflect today). This is a little more bitter than I try to be today, but I think it still captures some of my feelings around home. diff --git a/content/posts/my year in lists.md b/content/posts/my year in lists.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..88becb5 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/my year in lists.md @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ +--- +title: my year in lists +date: 2024-01-01 +url: my-year-in-lists +tags: + - exercise + - internet + - life + - meta + - teaching +draft: false +--- +I'm not a New Years Resolution person; listening to a lot of ["My Year in Lists"](https://loscampesinos.bandcamp.com/track/my-year-in-lists-2) by Los Campesinos! as a teen made me quite cynical about the whole thing. + +However, I *am* a very goal-oriented, reflective person. In late 2022, after years of gaining weight and developing some really negative patterns of self-talk around my body image, I decided to join a gym. Of course I'd like to see the number on the scale go down, but the main goal was just to get healthier and develop healthier habits. I started running, because that's what I used to do (not well), and eventually convinced a friend to join with me. Together, we set the goal of running a 5K, and we did our first in May of 2023, in about 41 minutes (in our defense, it was an *extremely* hilly course, but also progress, progress[^1]). We ran three more as the year went by; my most recent was November, where I finished in around 36 minutes. + +I'm still not happy with the number on the scale, but I'm also trying not to focus on it too much. + +I've made a new gym buddy (adding, not replacing) who is *very* rigid in her visits, so I'm hoping that will help me continue to progress. I'm also doing a weekly volleyball rec league with some friends. And, always, I have the oblique goal to eat healthier.[^2] + +2023 was also the year I bought a house with my partner. We're still unpacking, but I'm excited to finally feel rooted in one place. We've lived in the same general area for the last seven years, but always in apartments that left me feeling transient. I hesitated to decorate because I worried about what would happen when we moved on to a new place (**case in point:** I decided to break this habit and bought $500 in rugs last year; a month later, I was under contract on my house). Now that we're in a more permanent spot, I don't feel as much like a visitor.[^3] + +And finally speaking of homes, I want to try to make this space my new home on the internet. I've had a strange relationship with the internet; I was on it near constantly as a teen. I ran a large fan forum for years, dabbled in web design and hosting, and posted regularly in a LiveJournal blog about the minutiae of high school life (no, I will not link to any of it; I've scrubbed a lot of it, and much of it has been lost to time, but there are traces). + +I like writing. I like journalling. I like blogging. I find them to be cathartic, to be outlets, to be mementos, and I want to commit to doing it all more often. This last year especially, I've grown negative in my feelings toward the internet and have been making efforts to decouple from "big" social media. But I still yearn to connect, to put my voice and words out there. This feels like the healthy path: independent, small web. A space for me, by me, controlled by me.[^4] + +But the question has always been what to write about. I'm inspired by the calls of others ([EveryoneShouldBlog.txt](https://library.xandra.cc/everyone-should-blog/), [Write every day](https://robert.bearblog.dev/write-every-day/)), and I've considered taking on a challenge like [#100DaysToOffload](https://100daystooffload.com/) (if I do, consider this day one). But about *what*? And are my thoughts really that interesting? Does it even matter if they are or aren't? + +I see blogs often by folks who are engineers and programmers and developers, writing about their web projects or how they fix problems using tech. Selection bias exists; of course those are the folks writing on the web. I'm a middle school English teacher. I never feel like that's an interesting thing to write about, [passionate as I am about it](/on-teaching). Teacher blogs have always struck me as performative (and ugly), but given what a big piece of my life teaching is, perhaps there's more there than I think. + +Internet privacy is important, so I've hesitated to blog about events of my personal life. Also, as a public space — albeit one I don't openly advertise to friends — it feels weird and wrong to write about my personal relationships, like I'm mining the experiences I have with others for #content (I'm overthinking this) without the consent of my friends. + +And then I get caught in the idea that if I *am* to write something, it needs to be fully-formed, long-form thoughts. It doesn't. Being an English major really did a number on me.[^5] What matters is the writing, the thinking, the reflecting — and satisfying my urge to feel heard, to catalog my life in some way. + +So: this is day one of this year. This is what I plan to do. + +[^1]: **resolution one:** be kinder to and more patient with myself + +[^2]: **resolution two:** embrace fitness and develop healthier habits + +[^3]: **resolution three:** make a home that feels like mine (decorate) + +[^4]: **resolution four:** blog more; invest time in healthier spaces on the internet + +[^5]: **resolution five:** short posts are okay; not everything needs to be a manifesto (yes it does, but manifestos can be short, too) diff --git a/content/posts/smooth runs the water where the brook is deep.md b/content/posts/smooth runs the water where the brook is deep.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc2f751 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/smooth runs the water where the brook is deep.md @@ -0,0 +1,57 @@ +--- +title: smooth runs the water where the brook is deep +date: 2024-08-08 +url: smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep +tags: + - prompts + - life + - music +draft: false +--- +> Write a blog post about words of wisdom your younger self would have appreciated hearing. +> (via [blogprompts](https://blogprompts.fyi))[^1] + +I'm trying out doing blog prompts in an effort to populate this blog with more than just weekly round-ups and to get more comfortable writing about personal things.[^2] + +I'm going to select two quotes — both song lyrics — that have resonated for me. + +The first is from "Banshee Beat" by Animal Collective, which I first heard in my late teens (maybe 16?) and still consider one of my favorite songs. + +> Either way you look at it, +> +> You have your fits +> +> I have my fits +> +> But feeling is good + +My childhood was rife with trauma surrounding my parents' divorce and the ensuing fallout. All through it, I refused to talk to anyone about any of it — and I needed to. It wasn't until I was 20 years old, with my current partner, that I ever vocalized how it all made me feel. I have healed (some, or at least scarred over) since, but I still feel the aftershocks. In times of stress or great emotion, I clam up and shut down. I return to stasis because I perceive it as safety — and avoid letting emotion in. I'm continuing to work on it and push through, but hearing "Banshee Beat" was an inflection point. The song opens as a quiet whisper and crescendos into jubilant emotion. I'm still working toward that joyful ending, but "Banshee Beat" was the first step out of the dark. It shook me awake and forced me to accept that my stoicism was a defense — that I had to allow myself to *feel* emotions instead of avoiding them. In order to experience the good, I had to let in the bad, to process it, let it wash over me, and come out unburdened. I'd have my fits, but feeling is good. + +The next lyric comes from "2009" by Mac Miller, off his album *Swimming*. + +> Okay, you've got to jump in to swim +> +> The light was dim in this life of sin +> +> Now every day I wake up and breathe +> +> I don't have it all but that's alright with me + +There's a lot of beauty to be found in the lyrics to "2009" (and *Swimming* as a whole), but I'm going to focus here for now — and specifically on the opening line. The meaning here is clear, and not far off from the message in "Banshee Beat": we have to open ourselves up to the unknown to live fully, and often that choice is a leap of faith. We will never fully know what lies below, so all we can do is take a chance and jump in. + +I'm realizing now that both songs use referencing jumping in and swimming — "Banshee Beat" opens with the line "Oh there'll be time to get by, to get dry, after the swimming pool," and the chorus goes, + +> So I duck out, go down to find the swimming pool +> +> Hop a fence, leave the street and wet your feet to find the swimming pool +> +> 'Cause when I'm snuffed out, I doubt I'll find a swimming pool +> +> Hop a fence, leave the street and wet your feet to find the swimming pool + +Water and swimming is, of course, a motif within Mac Miller's *Swimming*. I'm realizing lately that it reoccurs in my life, too; in the music I like, both lyrically and in feeling, impact. + +I believe I found both of these songs when I needed to and that they may not have had the impact they did had I heard them at a different point in my life — so to return to the prompt, I think they are words of wisdom that my younger self could have used to hear, but I would perhaps not have been ready for them. Perhaps I simply needed to hear that there were smoother waters ahead. + +[^1]: The original prompt had a typo that I corrected, so it's not verbatim, but it's close enough. +[^2]: My favorite bloggers are folks like [Veronique](https://veronique.ink/), who captures these fleeting vignettes of her daily life, and [passerine](https://passerine.bearblog.dev/), who writes with such sharp insight and beauty. That's the sort of person I'd like to be. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/posts/what's this (and how it works).md b/content/posts/what's this (and how it works).md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fa062d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/what's this (and how it works).md @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ +--- +title: what's this? (and how it works) +date: 2024-08-28 +url: what's-this-(and-how-it-works) +tags: + - meta +draft: false +--- +Welcome to esotericbullshit.net, the new home of my blog and web stuff. + +Previously, this blog was hosted at bearblog under the domain cassie.land. Now, I'm using the SSG Hugo to create the site, which deploys to Github Pages for hosting. + +**So why the move?** I love bearblog and recommend it to just about anyone who wants to get into blogging and the small web — it's dead simple for folks with no web expertise, it has an awesome community, and the discover page allows you to share your content and connect with folks also using the platform. Unfortunately, I am, at heart, a tinkerer — bearblog felt a little *too* easy, and a little limiting for some of the visions I have. And, ultimately, I just want to **own my content** and **embrace new technologies and challenges**. + +I'm committed to pushing myself to blog because I love writing and want to do it more. I keep a physical journal for my more private thoughts and neuroses (affectionately nicknamed my "little fucking diary"), but I also think there's value in creating a public log of what I'm doing, what I'm into, what I'm thinking. I have a complicated relationship with the internet and probably spend way too much time on it, but I love to be online and connect with other like-minded people. Blogging — and blogging in a space that I own and control and can set boundaries with — feels like the healthiest way to do that. + +And I changed the domain because I think it's funny. I still love cassie.land and may come up with some other use for it.[^1] But I refer to my hobbies and interests often (and jokingly) as my **esoteric bullshit**, and this website is a tribute to that. + +## how it works +The basic setup is not too complicated. I use [Hugo](https://gohugo.io/) to generate the site from a series of Markdown files (my posts and pages) along with a custom theme I made myself. That's all stored in [a public Github repository](https://github.com/bansheebeat/esotericbullshit), and when changes are pushed to the repo, it rebuilds the site on Github Pages and makes it accessible to the web. + +Previously, on bearblog, I was writing my posts in an Obsidian vault that was stored on my NAS at home. I used Syncthing to be able to access it from my phone wherever I was; when a post was finished, I would just copy and paste it into the bearblog editor and publish. This mostly worked for me, and I liked being able to write from any device. So one of the stipulations I set for myself in moving to Hugo was that I needed to be able to write and publish posts from mobile. + +Posting from my PC isn't hard; I still write in Obsidian, and I just push the changes to Github from my PC. Mobile presented more of a challenge. I spent a lot of time going in circles and reading various guides on how to do it — I explored [obsidian-git](https://github.com/Vinzent03/obsidian-git) but ruled it out due to issues pulling large numbers of files; I thought about just using Github's website in my browser and adding files that way; I considered diving into [Termux](https://termux.dev/en/) to clone and push from my phone. All of that just seemed so fiddly or complicated or just had too many drawbacks; most of all, I didn't want to create any barriers to writing. I just wanted to **_write_** and have the words show up online. No extra steps. + +Finally, I stumbled on Ben Butterworth's post, [Syncing Obsidian Vault on macOS and Android, for free, using git](https://orth.uk/obsidian-sync/). He recommended the Android app [Gitjournal](https://gitjournal.io/), and then everything clicked into place: Gitjournal gives me an easy editor for writing/editing my content on my phone and handles the commits and pushes to the repository for me. I'd really like to use Obsidian's Android app, but right now, there's a [noted issue](https://github.com/GitJournal/GitJournal/issues/925) with Gitjournal that prevents the repo from being stored on the file system (which I would then just point my Android Obsidian vault to). I'm hopeful it will be resolved soon and I can use my preferred app, but Gitjournal works just fine for now. Best of all, this setup is **practically idiot-proof** (hi, it's me)[^2] and presents few to no barriers to what's important: **the writing**. + +## afoot and lighthearted +So what now? I'm going to keep blogging and trying new things; this is just the new home for it all. And because it's all owned, managed, and generated by me, I can do whatever the fuck I want with it. Right now, it's just a standard blog, but I plan to get weird with it. Thanks for reading and joining along with me. + +[^1]: I'm working on redirecting all links from cassie.land to here. +[^2]: Prior to setting this site up, I had never really used git or Github besides downloading shit other people made. One of my goals was to push myself to learn how to. I consider myself tech-minded, but really, I think this was very easy — and I basically don't have to interact with git or Github now besides pushing a button. It's all automated. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/templates/(week notes N).md b/content/templates/(week notes N).md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8459411 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/templates/(week notes N).md @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +--- +title: "(week notes #)" +date: <% tp.file.creation_date("YYYY-MM-DD") %> +tags: + - week-notes +draft: true +--- +# Doing + +# Reading + +# Watching + +# Playing + +# Listening \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/templates/post.md b/content/templates/post.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..25ae09a --- /dev/null +++ b/content/templates/post.md @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +--- +title: <% tp.file.title %> +date: <% tp.file.creation_date("YYYY-MM-DD") %> +url: <% tp.file.title.toLowerCase().replaceAll(" ", "-") %> +tags: +draft: false +--- diff --git a/content/week-notes/001.md b/content/week-notes/001.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5d03150 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/001.md @@ -0,0 +1,37 @@ +--- +title: Week Notes 001 +date: 2024-07-21 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +I [tried out doing monthly media logs](https://esotericbullshit.net/tags/media-log/) and found it difficult to stick to; it became daunting to log everything, and I put the unnecessary onus on myself to also write down detailed thoughts on everything. I'm going to try out shorter weekly notes instead. I want to have a record of and reflect on things that are important to me, so the effort matters, but perhaps this will be easier to maintain.[^1] I'm hoping to use this space to share out blog posts and other web content that I've enjoyed, too. +# Doing +* I **redesigned my bearblog** from scratch. It's not much different than what I had before, but it's a dramatically simpler stylesheet. I'm also loading the css from a server and embedding that within bearblog, which means I can use my preferred app (VSCodium) to write the code and bypass the bearblog editor.[^2] + +* I'm trying to **get back into running** after I [completed The Trevor Project's 53 mile challenge in June](/breaking-silences). I haven't run since then until this week. I also picked up the **Shokz OpenRun Mini** on Prime Day which have been cool to try out on my runs. +# Reading +* **[I dream of a better Xbox Game Pass](https://www.gordonhamburger.com/i-dream-of-game-pass/) by Phil Bothun**, a great post on Game Pass's enshittification and how it could be more consumer-oriented + +* **[Emerging](https://emmasdilemmas.bearblog.dev/emerging/) on Emma's Dilemmas**. It's always lovely to see a new face on the bearblog discover page, and Emma's prose is fantastic. I can't wait to read more from them. + +* **_Cultural Competence Now_ by Vernita Mayfield.** I've joined my school district's team DEI and we're using this book to frame our work. + +* **_The Odyssey_ (Emily Wilson translation)**. I taught the Gareth Hinds graphic novel version of *The Odyssey* to my students at the end of this past school year. They and I enjoyed it way more than anticipated, and it motivated me to take on reading the actual text for the first time. The introduction and translator's note in this version comprise a daunting 95 pages in my edition, so I've read that, Book 1, and into Book 2. I love Wilson's ethos in approaching the translation and am enjoying it thus far. +# Watching +* **_Gilmore Girls_, season three** (one of the best, I think, if not the) **and four** (also one of my favorites). *Gilmore Girls* was a staple in my house growing up: we binged it as a family when I was in middle school and then endlessly rewatched the DVD collection. A friend of mine and her daughter have been watching it together, and they recently invited me over for a *Gilmore* night, which triggered the rewatch. I'm happy to say that I still love the show dearly (despite its many faults). Joe has also (voluntarily!) joined in on my rewatch. + +* **_Another Cinderella Story_**. Watched with a friend for nostalgia reasons (on her part). I'm more of a Jennifer Coolidge fan, and the real life age gap between the romantic leads is disturbing — especially when Selena was a minor. +# Playing +* **_Stardew Valley_**'s 1.6 update +* **_Picross e_ series** on my Switch, mostly when watching *Gilmore Girls* +# Listening +* **_BRAT_, Charli XCX**. *BRAT* might be my album of the year; I love Charli and I think *BRAT* is her magnum opus. "I think about it all the time" has hit particularly hard, as I'm having these same conversations with my partner right now.[^3] +* **_Minecraft Volume Beta_ and _Volume Alpha_, C418**. I'm not a big *Minecraft* player, but I love the soundtracks as background noise. +* **_Weather_, Tycho**. I picked this up on vinyl this week. Great music to have in the background while working or relaxing. +* **_xx,_ The xx.** Another record store pickup. A moody, atmospheric album. I first got into The xx in 2012, after I heard "Heart Skipped a Beat" in, I believe, an H&M.[^4] It was nice to return to the album and reminisce. I'd forgotten how much I love "Night Time." +* **Gilmore Guys**. Joe loves podcasts and this one has motivated him to join me in the *Gilmore Girls* rewatch. I listened through to the show years ago, so it has been a little weird to revisit. We're in their early days (season two), which is rough: many of their guests hate *Gilmore Girls*, which does not make for fun listening. Things get better (and, in my opinion, the podcast gets funnier) as they go on. I do find all of the singing cringy now, which I don't recall from my first listen. *Gilmore Guys* was one of the first podcasts I really listened to, so perhaps now I'm just much more exposed to different shows and styles. +[^1]: I will allow myself the clemency to miss weeks, too. +[^2]: The bearblog editor isn't bad by any means; it is, by design, simple. But I like to have syntax highlighting and auto-complete. +[^3]: Sans-international travel and pop star career, of course. +[^4]: It's shocking how much music I've discovered from retail stores. I also got into PC Music and SOPHIE after I heard "Hey QT" in an H&M too. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/002.md b/content/week-notes/002.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1a4ca39 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/002.md @@ -0,0 +1,31 @@ +--- +title: ask yourself is that going to bring you peace, though? (week notes 002) +date: 2024-07-28 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +I'm continuing to try out doing Week Notes instead of monthly wrap ups. So far, so good! As a callback to my livejournal days, I'm trying out using a random quote from something I'm enjoying this week as my title (most likely, and true to my livejournal heart, cryptic song lyrics). + +# Doing +* My district is finally paying me to organize **Safe Space trainings**. This week, I got together with two other teachers to collaborate on plans, then delivered the training to a group of folks who we also prepared to do the training themselves. An immensely rewarding experience that felt like the culmination of four years of anger and despair and turned those feelings into something positive and productive. +* Trying to **get organized and get on a better schedule**. I woke up on Friday at 2:14pm (!!!) and felt awful about it. I spent a lot of time that day organizing my calendar (digital on Todoist, and I keep a physical planner) and setting some goals for myself so I don't spend the whole summer sleeping like a teenager.[^1] +* I also want to **cut down on my screen time for big social media apps** (like Instagram and Facebook) — the ones that have no value other than to waste my time. I put a big ol' screen time widget on the homescreen of my phone as a way to try to curtail the scrolling; I'm hoping that, when I unlock my phone, I'll see that I've already spent a substantial amount of time on these apps and choose something else instead. I love to be online, but I'd rather **spend that time on indie web spaces** like bearblog, Mastodon (I need to find folks to follow! Please send me recs and/or your account, fellow bearbloggers — my email is in the footer), and 32bitcafe. +* This is a very long-term goal, but I want to **migrate my curriculum map from Notion to Obsidian**. I'm increasingly trying to move to open source programs (to, hopefully, stave off enshittification). The [Obsidian Projects plugin](https://github.com/marcusolsson/obsidian-projects) is helping to make this a reality, but I'm still looking for a good way to create a rollup of my tags that includes the full standard text and a heatmap of how frequently the tag is used. I played a bit with [Hugo](https://gohugo.io) and [Grav](https://getgrav.org/) for this but found I was going _web first_ in my approach when really I just wanted a content management system (which Obsidian is, in a way, albeit a private one).[^2] +* I **moved my server into a rack setup** and relocated it to my basement. I'll probably put together a full post cataloguing that. +# Reading +* **_How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk_ by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish**. I've read many recommendations for this book and thought it might help me in the classroom. I started and finished the book in two days — it's a quick but valuable read. Right now, all the ideas are theoretical, as I won't get to try them out until September, but I love the approach. The authors put into explicit steps the feeling that I've always had: interactions with anyone, but especially children, need to be based on mutual respect, and adults cannot expect children to control their emotions if they are not willing to do the same. I'd love to make this a book study among co-workers. +* **[Computer People](https://louplummer.lol/computer-people/) by Lou Plummer**. A thoughtful piece about the evolution and entry of tech into our lives, particularly in education. Unfortunately I don't share Lou's rosy outlook: I still have lots of coworkers who don't regard themselves as "computer people" and resist any new technology (and call me for help when something is unplugged). +# Watching +* **_Gilmore Girls_**, continued from last week (**season four**) +* **_Easy A_ (2010)**. I never saw this when it came out but always read positive talk about it. It was awful; few laughs and all the character's motivations and actions were puzzling. It seemed to exist only to sell the viewer on Emma Stone and to have her parade around in lingerie. +# Playing +* **_Stardew Valley_, update 1.6**. I'm playing a co-op save with Joe and my friend Nick. I love *Stardew* and am enjoying discovering some of the new changes and additions, but I'm struggling with the chaos of a shared farm — Joe in particular has some very different organizational priorities than me. +# Listening +* **_Youth Novels_, Lykke Li.** I listened to this album for the first time in 2012 ("Melodies & Desires" and "Little Bit" being the two I listened to with any regularity); it came up in a library shuffle and I realized I was listening to it in 160kbps. I replaced it with a higher quality rip and enjoyed hearing instruments and layers I didn't know existed before. I've also a new appreciation for "Breaking It Up," "Hanging High," and "I'm Good, I'm Gone." +* I'd like to be listening to **_All Hell_, Los Campesinos!**, the latest release by my favorite band, but I preordered it on vinyl and it still hasn't come in... I don't know how much longer I'll hold out.[^3] +* **"Red Leather" by Future & Metro Boomin**. I still don't listen to much rap outside of Mac (a bit of Vince Staples, some Stormzy, some Princess Nokia), but I'd like to branch out. I heard this in the background of (probably) an Instagram Reel and dig it (I hate that this is how folks, myself included, are discovering music these days). + +[^1]: In my heart of hearts, I am a lazy fucker, and I don't intend to change that. However, there's a lot I want to do during my summer break, and I know I'll be disappointed in myself if I waste away the *whole* summer being a lazy fucker. I want to allow myself time to relax, but balance is important. +[^2]: I wish I knew enough to develop a custom flat-file static-site generator geared at teachers who want to write lesson plans in Markdown, but alas, I do not — and I imagine the market for that is fairly narrow, so I am left to repurpose other, more general tools for a fairly specific use case. +[^3]: I did buy the digital deluxe off Bandcamp, so I have that and can easily play it off the speakers I use for my turntable, but I also ordered new speakers for my PC, so perhaps this will be their first rodeo... \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/003.md b/content/week-notes/003.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2906130 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/003.md @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ +--- +title: clean as paper before the poem (week notes 003) +date: 2024-08-04 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +# Doing +* I was **in school for a few days this week**: one for a school improvement team meeting, where we made plans for the upcoming school year that have me really excited; another DEI committee meeting; and an English curriculum planning day. I also started moving some of the furniture in my classroom into place — I'm rearranging for next year. +* I **received a postcard in the mail** [from Veronique](https://buymeacoffee.com/veronique/e/280562)! I love this idea to take the small web to snail mail (and am generally a big fan of her blog). + +# Reading +* **[what it's like](https://kelsey.bearblog.dev/what-its-like/) by kelsey.** Less reading and more admiring: is this what the notebooks and brains of the creative and artistic are like? Others admire mine for its neatness and consistency, small, even printing repeated across page and page, the same thoughts over and over again, like photocopies. I love the color, the doodles, the spontaneity kelsey has, and this is what I love about bearblog: the glimpses into the minds of others. +* **_Cultural Competence Now_ by Vernita Mayfield.** Continued from [a previous week](/week-notes/001); this week, I read the third chapter for my district's DEI Committee. +* **_The House on Mango Street_ by Sandra Cisneros.** I'm integrating this book into my curriculum for the next school year. It's a beautiful, poetic, important text, and I'm so excited to read it with my kids. It's heavy, and the unit I've planned around it is challenging, but I want to be more rigorous in my curriculum, and I think the kids will really connect with Esperanza. +* **["I wanted to be like my dad."](https://blueberrylemonade.pika.page/posts/i-wanted-to-be-like-my-dad) by Kyle (on Blueberry Lemonade).** A thoughtful piece on how adulthood shifts our relationships with our parents. It's interesting — I seem to have the inverse experience: moving out of my mom's house, I think, brought us closer in many ways. But I still connect with Kyle's thesis about how our views of parents evolve; perhaps the nature of parenthood is seeing your child grow beyond you. +# Watching +* A lot of **Friends at the Table** content on Twitch. Joe is a fan of their podcasts and the folks involved; I'm not into actual play podcasts or anime, so I don't join in, but I like watching some of their streams. I've particularly enjoyed their _Stardew Valley_ series. + +# Playing +* **_Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood_**. I'm back on my bullshit after watching [Austin Walker stream _Final Fantasy XI_](https://www.twitch.tv/videos/2205413826). I've played on and off since release, but this week I finished _Stormblood_ (which I'm tepid on) and am working my way toward _Shadowbringers_ (which I've heard nothing but praise for). I conned Joe into playing with me too, so it's been fun to see him go back through the early game quests. I have a lot of love in my heart for _A Realm Reborn_. +# Listening +* My **Los Campesinos! _All Hell_** record has yet to arrive in the mail, so not that (but it did ship this week and is meant to be delivered tomorrow). \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/004.md b/content/week-notes/004.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0dae23a --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/004.md @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ +--- +title: I love when you invoke my death (week notes 004) +date: 2024-08-11 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +# Doing +* Joe and I **went to the lake** with two friends. We did some **kayaking**[^1] and went **swimming**, then returned to our house to have a belated birthday celebration for Joe. +* I **played around with Hugo** and thought about moving this blog (back) there. I love the bearblog community and don't want to leave it, but I also want to build a personal site out more. I'm conflicted, but for now, I'm sticking on bearblog.[^2] I also bought a domain without a plan to use it — I love cassieland, but this one speaks to me, and it has an air of anonymity, which is appealing should I pursue my goal to blog more; anonymity feels safer. +* Joe and I went to visit family, so we're spending a weekend lake- and pool-side, and I'm reminded for the ten thousandth time of how wonderful he is with children. The biological clock ticks. +# Reading +* **[How Did This New Harry Potter Ride Get Approved?](https://wavelengths.online/posts/how-did-this-new-harry-potter-ride-get-approved) by Brendon Bigley.** I used to be a tremendous *Harry Potter* fan but consciously decoupled from the series given J.K. Rowling's modern social campaign of hate. I've gone to and enjoyed Universal's Wizarding World, but I agree with Brendon's stance: it is bizarre when Universal leans into the thinly veiled Nazism parallels for their theme park and ask attendees to rejoice in war crime trials. +* **_The Basic Eight_ by Daniel Handler.** Handler's _Adverbs_ is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved _Watch Your Mouth_, too. I need light reprieves from _The Odyssey_, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler's bibliography. I'm about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It's pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler's charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don't think I've ever felt before. +# Watching +* **_Gilmore Girls_, season five.** Continuing on; we are reaching the point where Joe stopped watching years ago — I had him watch the show with me when we first started dating — so I'm excited to get into fresh content. Unfortunately, the show goes downhill, in my opinion, by season six, so we are in the last of the good. +* **_America's Next Top Model_, cycle six.** If I believed in guilty pleasures, _ANTM_ would be mine. Fortunately I don't, so I can indulge all I'd like in junk food TV. I think the first seven seasons are all gold, but I was in the mood for Jade's antics in six — truly one of the most unhinged individuals to ever appear on the show. +* **_Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse._** An incredible follow-up to a film I loved very much; I agree that the cliffhanger ending undercuts some of the story's structure, but if you frame it as Gwen's story — which I think it was in many ways — it's a lot more satisfying, like a sophomore sojourn into another major character. On a technical and artistic level, it's a remarkable achievement; the painterly visuals and use of color in Gwen's universe were particular standouts. +# Listening +* **_All Hell_, Los Campesinos!** My record finally came in. It's going to take time for me to form an opinion and weight it against their discography — I've got to let it sink — but as of right now, I really like it. "Clown Blood" is an early favorite. + +[^1]: Our friends brought their kayaks and Joe rented one. We would like to invest in our own, but most of our money this summer has gone to home repairs. Maybe next summer. +[^2]: Having a big complicated site seems appealing right now, but I have to remember I'm on summer break: when school kicks back up, the low maintenance of bearblog will probably be paramount. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/005.md b/content/week-notes/005.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0595050 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/005.md @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +--- +title: the secrecy won't keep you free (week notes 005) +date: 2024-08-18 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +# Doing +* This week I learned that I'm **allergic to yellowjacket stings** in the worst way possible (not that there's a good way). I was attacked by a nest of them while mowing the lawn and had to go to the ER. +* Contemplating my intense introversion. +* I was able to finally get together with a dear friend for a walk through the park — we have been trying to see each other for a while now but schedules and weather kept getting in the way. Talking to her, a kindred spirit, nourishes me. +# Reading +* **_The Basic Eight_ by Daniel Handler.** Finished in the first hours of this week. I wrote up [a full post](/the-basic-eight) with my thoughts. +* **_Death Is Not an Option_ by Suzanne Rivecca.** I'm about halfway through this. It's middling; there's a lot of weird sex that I simply do not connect to, and all of the narrators / protagonists feel the same even though this is a collection of unrelated short stories. +* **[There’s an apostrophe battle brewing among grammar nerds. Is it Harris’ or Harris’s?](https://apnews.com/article/harris-walz-apostrophe-possessive-grammar-967c0bbefc09be6c804588daabed7ec9) by Holly Tamer.** This is the kind of presidential race news coverage I want to see in this world. +# Watching +* **Into the Aether's Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke.** I really like Into the Aether and the TWG network, and Joe is a big fan of watching Pokemon challenges on YouTube. We are not far in, but we are enjoying it so far. +# Playing +* **_Rock Band 4._** I have a friend visiting this week — it's a great party game. +* **_Carcassone._** A board game staple in my house. +# Listening +* Nothing particular beyond some shuffles, but my mom came over with her old Fleetwood Mac records and we realized that my record player has been spinning *slightly* too fast (~33.7rpm instead of 33.3). I noticed it months ago with Mac Miller's *GO:ODAM*, but I thought it might just be the press. We fixed it and now I feel I have to re-listen to all my records. diff --git a/content/week-notes/006.md b/content/week-notes/006.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..87eb86a --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/006.md @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ +--- +title: I want to sleep and dream alone (week notes 006) +date: 2024-08-26 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +# Doing +* I was at school one day this week for an orientation for some student leaders. +* I went to Six Flags and realized I'm old; my tolerance for roller coasters is, suddenly, shockingly low. +* Feeling extreme relief but also guilt for being such an introvert — lately I feel I'm an anti-social loner, but friends have reassured me that these feelings are normal and everyone enjoys and protects their alone time (to an extent, depending on the person). All I really want to do is be alone in my house, left to do my silly little projects. +* I'm trying still to move away from big, corporate social media — I have been spending more time on Mastodon and the bearblog discover feed. I've scarcely opened Twitter, and I've set 30m app timers for Facebook and Instagram. I rarely hit it for either, but something about knowing the timer is there makes me more conscious of the time I'm wasting on them. I'm not happy yet with my screen time as a whole, but at least I feel I'm seeing more of real people (and people I choose to follow) than algorithms and dark patterns. +* On Friday, I went to IKEA with a friend and my sister to get some things for the house and a few items for my classroom. +* I intended to go into school on Saturday and begin some of the physical setup I need to do, but I felt sick and exhausted. I took a COVID test (negative) — I'm hoping it's just holdover from a long day of driving on Friday. +# Reading +* **[Studying to be a teacher in the modern day](https://a-demain.bearblog.dev/studying-to-be-a-teacher-in-the-modern-day/) by Sparrow.** I feel the same about teaching as Sparrow: it's a hard career to choose in today's education system and economic climate, but teaching is so intrinsically part of me that I can't see myself doing anything else. Even with the stress, the low pay, the poor working conditions, I love it. +* **[What a demure, mindful, and brat summer](https://marblethoughts.bearblog.dev/what-a-demure-mindful-and-brat-summer/) by Kayla.** Great introspective piece on trends and shifting mindsets. As I get older, I'm less connected to fads (especially because I'm not on TikTok and have curated my social media feeds), but I do try hard to understand them — I never want to be someone who brushes things off as "kids these days" absurdity and who blames the younger generation for every societal woe. Brat summer and demure sound silly, but there's importance in trying to understand what matters to young people[^1] — and we can only reach state of cooperation and harmony through mutual understanding and respect. +* **[Help! I Invited My Coworkers Into a Very Personal Part of My Life. Now I Really Regret It.](https://slate.com/advice/2024/08/dear-prudence-coworkers-too-personal.html) by Hillary Frey.** I read Dear, Prudence often to satisfy my busybody tendencies and, occasionally, to talk through social quandaries with my partner. The first letter here hit particularly hard; I am a teacher and regularly have coworkers ask super invasive questions about my family planning. I'm friends with someone who went through IVF and she's opened my eyes to how these "innocent questions" (they're not) can hurt folks dealing with infertility. I'm not, but even I find questions about whether I'm trying for a baby super invasive! +* **[finding kindness online](https://blog.avas.space/kindness-online/) by ava.** A great piece about connection in gaming. I have baggage with video game-centric spaces online, but this gives me some hope. +# Watching +* **_America's Next Too Model,_ cycle 1.** Mostly passive viewing while folding laundry, but cycle 1 has a special quality. It feels less like a reality show and more like a documentary about what it's like to be on a reality show. The budget is clearly low and the show hadn't established its structure just yet, so the contestants learn how the show works along with us. It feels grounded and authentic — for a season of _Top Model_, that is. +* **[Into the Aether's Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bYvqnTvUCg&list=PLe_AuQUfBKl5R3Sc7Erpq3Y2me6q6uZ0R)** Joe and I are continuing this and still really loving it! +# Playing +* **_Final Fantasy XIV._** I'm slowly working through the post-_Stormblood_ patch content. Joe is still playing through _A Realm Reborn_, so I'm levelling Warrior to do dungeons alongside him as a new class. I'm enduring the slow, painful grind of levelling my Squadrons, too. I like the concept of Squadrons — they remind me of my beloved _Final Fantasy Tactics Advance_,[^2] but unfortunately there is very little variety and a lot of waiting involved here. +* **_Pokémon White Version_**. I was inspired to jump into a Pokémon game by the Nuzlocke Joe and I are watching. I've never really played _White_; maybe a year ago I did the first three gyms, but I remember none of it. I started it over on Saturday night. +# Listening +Nothing really specific — just some shuffles. I have, however, [started tracking my listening data to listenbrainz](https://listenbrainz.org/user/babyspace/)! + +[^1]: and, also, I loved *brat.* +[^2]: I've never played _Final Fantasy Tactics_, even though I love _Tactics Advance_ and _Final Fantasy XII_. I have no interest in playing a PS1 or PSP game at the moment (or ever? — no hate to either console or their libraries, but I like modern conveniences and quality of life upgrades), so I'm waiting for the remake that is almost certainly in the works. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/007.md b/content/week-notes/007.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2816f53 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/007.md @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ +--- +title: I guess I feel a bit lost without you (week notes 007) +date: 2024-09-01 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- + +# Doing +* **I re-did my website!** I've detailed it all [in a separate post](/what%27s-this-%28and-how-it-works%29/), but I'm really excited about making weird stuff online here. I will miss being on the bearblog discovery feed, but this is also a push for me to get involved more on webrings & other small web communities.[^1] +* I'm **starting to get my classroom ready** for the school year. I'm really excited about some of the changes I'm making — the physical layout of the room, curricular changes, routines, and philosophies. We go back to school on Tuesday, so this is really the end stretch of summer. +* I was pretty social this week! I had a friend and coworker over to help us identify some of the plants we have on our property; had a different friend over to play some games; went to see a Fleetwood Mac cover band with some of my partner's coworkers; and had my sister and her boyfriend over to go hiking and out to lunch. +# Reading +- **[An unrelenting sense of longing (or: “Maps”)](https://gkeenan.co/avgb/an-unrelenting-sense-of-longing/) by Keenan.** "Maps" rocks and I love reading fellow music sickos. +- **_Death Is Not an Option_ by Suzanne Rivecca.** Plugging along, slowly. Rivecca's prose is excellent but none of the stories have really gripped me; all the protagonists are of a singular type that I don't really connect to. +# Watching +* **[Into the Aether's Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bYvqnTvUCg&list=PLe_AuQUfBKl5R3Sc7Erpq3Y2me6q6uZ0R)** We finished it this week — a tragic end to a great series. RIP TONYSOPRAN. +# Playing +- ***Pokémon White Version*.** Played here and there; I think I'm losing my enthusiasm for it. +- We had a friend over and played a little ***Rock Band*** and ***Mario Party Superstars**.* +- ***Final Fantasy XIV.*** Just a bit on Sunday night; focusing on leveling my Marauder (almost to 50!) and my Squadrons. I've also started doing my Sylph Beast Tribe quests again because I want the Goobbue Mount. +# Listening +- **_Oblivion Will Own Me and Death Alone Will Love Me (Void Filler)_, _Every Moment of Every Day_, and _Fates Worse Than Death_, Short Fictions.** I saw Short Fictions at Warsaw when they opened for Los Campesinos! I really enjoyed them live and sat down to listen to a few of their albums (they were kind enough to [post their setlist!](https://www.reddit.com/r/loscampesinos/comments/1dia0oy/comment/l92otja/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)). Their music lacks some novelty compared to the live performance, but I still like a few songs — notably, "Anymore," "Nothingness Lies Coiled at the Heart of Being (It’s Such a Good Feeling)," and "Forever Endeavor." +- **["Feather Test"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYRRR3vRroA) by A Weather.** This may be my song this year.[^2] I fell in love with it a few months ago and returned to it this week. I love, I love, I love (*I will, I will*). A beautiful, breathy mix of fleeting, intersecting harmonies with a rich and simplistic production. Every line strikes. ("Brush your hand / Across where you felt me / Do I pass the feather test?") + +[^1]: Also, importantly, I blog to write, not to be read. I guess. +[^2]: The song came out 17 years ago. I don't care. It means something to me now. diff --git a/content/week-notes/008.md b/content/week-notes/008.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..306cc2a --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/008.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +title: the birds remember how to come home (week notes 008) +date: 2024-09-08 +tags: [week-notes] +draft: false +--- + +# Doing +* School is officially back in session, so my free time is much more limited now. I'm optimistic for the year, though! +# Reading +- **_Death Is Not an Option_ by Suzanne Rivecca.** Finished at last. I have not much new to say compared to last week. I felt a notable sense of relief to be done with it and free to move on. +- **[Write as you wish: a call to bring back the prose](https://marisabel.nl/public/blog/Write_as_you_wish:_a_call_to_bring_back_the_prose) by Marisabel.** I'm not a good enough writer for this to be applicable, so call this aspirational reading. +- **[back at it & social media free](https://itskristin.bearblog.dev/back-at-it-social-media-free/) by kristin.** I've pretty much dropped Twitter in the last few weeks — I really want to separate myself from toxic online spaces. +- **[Please please please please please please share your big dumb beautiful self with the world](https://gkeenan.co/avgb/please-please-please-please-please-please-share-your-big-dumb-beautiful-self-with-the-world/) by Keenan.** *"What does it look like to put yourself on a page, or in a photo, or a brushstroke, or a string plucked and reverberating harmoniously out into the room? When does the screaming inside become loud enough, so all-encompassing that you open up the door to let it pour out of you?"* +# Watching +- **_America's Next Top Model_, cycle three.** _Top Model_ is my comfort show right now. I love the first seven cycles best, but cycle three has a special place in my heart. It's one of the first cycles I ever saw and has one of the most entertaining casts. The modelling itself is pretty poor, but that's not really what _Top Model_ was about. +- **[Run Button's _Star Wars Outlaws_ streams.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ei6dNr3RkY&list=PLipgnTt01UGXDW2B_eJMKSSi12Y7koJ9O&pp=iAQB)** I'm really interested in _Outlaws_ based on what I've seen; Keith has been complaining about the stealth a lot in the streams, but I think a good amount of that has been player error. +# Playing +* **_Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords._** I've tried to get Joe to play _KotOR_ for years, but he was turned off by the combat. We listened to A More Civilized Age's coverage together, though (he's a big Friends at the Table fan), and it got him interested in _KotOR II_ (despite my insisting for years that it is the finest piece of _Star Wars_ media). We're playing through together — me with the controller but collectively making decisions. We're still on Peragus (gross), but I'm enjoying revisiting it. This will be my first time playing it in at least ten years and my first time with the restored content mod. + +# Listening +- **_Life's a Riot With Spy vs Spy_, Billy Bragg.** I like "A New England" a whole lot; the rest was good but didn't grab me. There's a sparseness and intimacy that struck me when I first heard "A New England," but the novelty had worn off for the other tracks. +- **_For Emma, Forever Ago_, Bon Iver.** I listened to this all the way through one night and it unfortunately really spoke to me. I know I've listened through it before, years ago, and I didn't care for anything except "Skinny Love"; this time around, every track hit. +- **"Bishop, CA"** and **"Wig Master," Xiu Xiu.** I swore off Xiu Xiu back in 2013 or so after listening to them heavily during a deep depression; I'm not cold turkey on them anymore, but they're not in my regular rotation either. I've been thinking of these two, some of my favorites then.[^1] + +[^1]: in so far as any Xiu Xiu song is a "favorite" and not "a desperate cry for help" diff --git a/content/week-notes/009.md b/content/week-notes/009.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee92f74 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/009.md @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +--- +title: 666 with a princess streak (week notes 009) +date: 2024-09-15 +tags: [week-notes] +draft: false +--- + +# Doing +* Working on getting off big corporate social media, still. I'm almost entirely off Twitter; I keep the app just because I have a few notifications set for when specific people tweet (mostly bands who tweet out tour dates), but I'm otherwise mostly on Mastodon (social.lol) and Discord. Cohost going down was sad to see even if I was never an active user and there were problems with it, but its downfall impressed on me even further the importance of owning your content — and it made me really happy to have this space for my thoughts and writing. +* I got my COVID booster and flu shot on Friday, which put me out of order for some time. Glad to have them done, however; one day of discomfort is worth it! +* The weight of being a teacher really set on me this week — not the teaching work, which I love, but the emotional weight of my students' lives. It's especially hard to see kids that remind me of myself at their age and wish I could impart all that I've learned — but knowing that there are no shortcuts and that the only way out for them is through. I can't pluck them out; they have to live it. I can only hope to be there for them as they do. + +# Reading +* **_No One Belongs Here More than You_, Miranda July.** This has been in my Amazon wishlist for I don't know how long — long enough that I've forgotten where I'd found it or why I'd wanted to read it. I liked the cover a lot, I guess. Anyway, I feel this is suffering from my reading it so soon after _Death Is Not an Option_ as I have much of the same opinion: excellent prose but turned off by all the weird sex.[^1] I find July's narrators and conceits to be far more varied than Rivecca's, but Rivecca never made me read about an old man who fantasizes about teenage girls, so I automatically like her better. +* **[Meet Lochlan O'Neil, the creator of DashCon](https://www.garbageday.email/p/meet-lochlan-oneil-the-creator-of) on Garbage Day.** _"I had to go to extensive therapy because I was like, “oh my god, I, Lochlan O'Neil, single-handedly destroyed fandom culture?”_ + +# Watching +* **_Pokémon 4Ever._** Joe and I got our shit rocked by the COVID and flu shots and decided to watch this. Middling, but a surprising environmentalist message. I'm realizing how much of who Joe is goes back to Pokémon, of all things. +* **_Gilmore Girls_, season five.** Joe and I went back in for a few episodes in our shot stupor. Still enjoyable, but we are quickly gaining on the last of the good episodes in my opinion. + +# Listening +* **_i,i_, Bon Iver.** Not bad, but I like _For Emma_ and _22, A Million_ far more. +* **_Chants_, The Peripheral Ones.** I've said before that this album is perhaps the most esoteric of my bullshit; it's a cover album of a little-known[^2] Myspace-era band, [The Middle Ones](https://themiddleones.bandcamp.com/), done by [pigthe](https://pigthe.bandcamp.com/music) (the guitarist for [Trust Fund](https://trustfund.bandcamp.com/music)). The album is obscure enough that it's not on MusicBrainz (I'm aware that I could add it) and the band has 23 listeners on last.fm. I love it and go back to it often. + +[^1]: reading these books back to back has left me wondering if I'm somehow unconsciously selecting books only written by deviants or if I'm just so vanilla that my gauge for sexual content is skewed +[^2]: Outside of the (now gone) anorak forum, I guess. diff --git a/content/week-notes/010.md b/content/week-notes/010.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3888ada --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/010.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +title: I know if I don't go now I won't make it out (week notes 010) +date: 2024-09-22 +tags: [week-notes] +draft: false +--- + +# Doing +* My volleyball rec league started back up! I'm awful and uncoordinated on the court, but it's fun to play with friends, and I have learned the hard way that I'm a lot less depressed when I'm active. +* I'm enjoying reading ex-cohost folks on the bearblog discovery feed. The trending feed can get a little stale.[^1] I hope they stick around. +* I took a walk (and a run) with a dear friend that I've been trying to get together with for a while. She's decades older than me, but we are incredibly like-minded. Kindred spirits. I appreciate her wisdom and guidance and friendship immensely as she listens to all my neuroses. +* On Sunday night, Joe and I went to a wedding for two of our best friends. Maybe I'll make a longer post with all that stirs up for me — thoughts on marriage and commitment... +* Unfortunately, I left the wedding feeling sick. COVID test was negative so here's hoping it's just allergies from the changing season. +# Reading +* **_No One Belongs Here More than You,_ Miranda July.** I stand by what I said last week. I think I need a break from the sexual deviants I'm apparently (and unconsciously) selecting lately. I'm glad to be done with this; I appreciated July's occasional wit and found it Handler-esque, but those touches were few and far between, and the rest of it mostly just grossed me out. +* My next books will be _The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating_, recommended by a friend and coworker, and, I think, _Into the Wild_, which I've always meant to read. It might not seem like much for an English teacher, but these past few months I've been reading for pleasure more than I have in years and it has me feeling so full. It's great to rediscover that joy.[^2] +* **["Linkin Park, From Zero"](https://netigen.com/read/linkin-park-from-zero) by n3verm0re.** I'm not a Linkin Park fan by any means, but I have been interested in seeing how a group reawakens after such a tremendous loss. I really enjoyed this piece about it. +# Listening +* **_Green Dream in F#_ and _Rare Birds_, The Bug Club.** I asked a student of mine what kind of music she listened to; she said her music was too weird and I'd probably never heard of it. I took that as a personal challenge. But it's not that weird — although, as an (ex?) Xiu Xiu listener, my barometer is off. I liked both albums! They're light, fun listening, and absolutely up my alley. +* **_Romance is Boring_, Los Campesinos!** Listening to the music students of mine like has me thinking about the music I was in love with at their age. _RiB_ came out at the exact right time for me and holds a special place in my heart. I listen to tracks from it often, but this was the first time I'd revisited some deeper cuts, like "Who Fell Asleep In," in years. +* **_All Hell_, Los Campesinos!** I'm still forming my larger thoughts on _All Hell_, but it was interesting to compare side-by-side with _RiB_. It is far more even and consistent in quality — _RiB_ has some all-timers but also some real duds ("Plan A") — but there is a visceral, adolescent melodrama to _RiB_ that _All Hell_ lacks. _All Hell_ is instead grown up and wistfully forlorn, especially compared to juggernauts like "I Just Sighed." Both are good and appropriate for me at different times and headspaces, but _RiB_ holds more of hook — although I have fifteen years of relationship and baggage with it compared to _All Hell_. +* I'm thinking about a recurring theme in songs I am or have been fixated on — + * **"Drops (reprise)," The Peripheral Ones** - "I know if I don't go now I won't make it out" + * **"The Whale Song," Modest Mouse** - "I guess I am a scout / so I should find a way out / so everyone can find a way out" + * **"Ave Maria," Mac Miller** - "Have you found a way out?" & **"Come Back to Earth"** - "I just need a way out of my head / I'll do anything for a way out of my head" +* — the idea of making it out is, of course, not a unique theme, but perhaps it's why *The House on Mango Street* resonated with me: *"For the ones I left behind. For the ones who cannot out."* +[^1]: I think posts don't decay quickly enough from the feed, and the top page or two of trending posts are all by the same handful of people. There's a handful of very active posters, which is a great thing, but I like to see variety there. +[^2]: A friend of mine, a music teacher, told me a few months ago, sadly, that she wasn't finding joy in listening to music recreationally anymore. She made a life change and was hoping to reclaim it. I think that's what inspired me to start reading again. I of course engage with literature in my job as an English teacher, but it's not always mentally stimulating — for the most parts, I'm reading the same texts over and over to a young audience. diff --git a/content/week-notes/011.md b/content/week-notes/011.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3fdd4ec --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/011.md @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ +--- +draft: false +title: but let's talk about you for a minute (week notes 011) +tags: + - week-notes +date: 2024-10-06 +--- + +I'm doing two weeks in one post. Last week I was dead sick and working too much so I didn't assemble a post throughout the week as I normally do. +# Doing +* Joe and I drove back to ___ for a funeral... and then back, all in one day. Eight hours on the road, but it was nice to spend some time together, singing and talking about heavy things.[^1] +* I ran four miles in one go! Not without stopping and walking, and I'm far from my best times, but I'm trying to rebuild my endurance and speed after taking a long time off. +* I'm trying to get back into skin care. I've never had a thorough routine, but I've been slacking even on the meager bit I do. I looked in the mirror and saw an old person looking back at me, so I've been cleansing and moisturizing on a near-daily basis now. +# Reading +* **_The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating_ by Elizabeth Tova Bailey.** I'm reading this on recommendation of a friend and coworker. The writing has a beautiful directness, but I'm not exactly fascinated by (or at all interested in) snails. It is eye-opening to read something so scientific in approach that is still a work of literature, however; it leaves me to consider how our different disciplines — me as an English teacher and my coworker a Science teacher — change the way we think and look at the world. +* **[a ranking of iMac G3 colors](https://platinumtulip.bearblog.dev/a-ranking-of-imac-g3-colors/) by tulip.** +* **[field notes cured my twitter addiction](https://thebirdhouse.bearblog.dev/field-notes-cured-my-twitter-addiction/) on The Birdhouse.** A lovely ode to a notebook. + +# Watching +* **_Gilmore Girls_, season six.** Joe and I have reached about the end of the season. I think six has some good moments and episodes but is, on the whole, drudgery. Luke's character takes a bizarre turn, and I somehow have even less patience for Rory and Logan's relationship this time around. +* **_America's Next Top Model_, cycle five.** Passive rewatches while folding laundry; the actual modeling and photoshoots are a low for the UPN seasons, but the personalities make it an entertaining season. + +# Playing +* Joe and I have played more of **_Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II_**, which is really him watching me play and selecting dialogue options with me. He really does not care for the combat; I don't love it either, but having played so much of this game and the first as a kid, I know my way around it much better. He doesn't seem to like any of the characters yet; on one hand, I get that, because I think the _KotOR II_ characters are much more complex and harder to initially like than the first game's, but maybe the series just isn't for him... + * We've been playing as a female Exile, but Joe was interested in the Handmaiden, and I prefer her to the Disciple, so I decided to roll back a save and use the [PartySwap mod](https://deadlystream.com/files/file/544-partyswap/)... until I realized that I have Steam Workshop mods mixed with the [KotOR II Mod Build](https://kotor.neocities.org/modding/mod_builds/k2/full).[^2] Apparently, because I used the Workshop 13 years ago when I last played this game, Steam decided I definitely wanted those installed again. Ugh. The solution was to start from the beginning with cheats that will let me zip through and get back to where we were. It took the better part of five hours to re-install all the mods and play back through Peragus and Telos. + * That all said, I really love this game. I love the way the narrative places you in a backstory rather than the "blank slate" approach of the first game.[^3] The player then gets to decide the Exile's reasons for going to war, their outlook on the Jedi, and there's a lot of gray area to be found. + +# Listening +* **_Mr. Anyway’s Holey Spirits Perform! One Foot in Bethlehem_ and _Pure Particles_ by The Bug Club.** More recommendations from a former student of mine. I'm really enjoying them! _One Foot in Bethlehem_ very clearly has some religious satire, but I've not had a chance to parse for sub-text... At this point, I'm on a basal, what's catchy level (the answer is a lot). +[^1]: religion, marriage, the future... the usual, at this point. I hate getting old. +[^2]: loudly and clearly at the start of the mod build: _"Remember also that the Workshop version of this or any other mod is NOT to be used!"_ I was trying to follow directions, but history and technology worked against me today. +[^3]: this works for its purposes, but I like the weight and the history you walk into in _KotOR II_. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/012.md b/content/week-notes/012.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bc0362d --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/012.md @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +--- +draft: false +title: what would it mean for us if i fell off this slide? (week notes 012) +tags: + - week-notes +date: 2024-10-13 +--- +I'm doing a condensed post this week because I have been so busy with work! + +* Joe and I finished our rewatch of **_Gilmore Girls_**, and I'm happy to say that I still love the show. It goes downhill in season six and is borderline unwatchable in season seven, but I have such affection for all before that — especially the warm blanket, cozy autumn early seasons. + +* I'm watching Joe play **_The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom_**. + +* I haven't been listening to anything in particular — mostly shuffles. + +* I did not have time for reading this week, but I'm so close to finishing **_The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating_**, and I intend to start **_Into the Wild_** next. + +* I loved [grubz's post about coming out](https://blog.grubz.net/2024/10/why-even-come-out-if-youre-bi-or-pan). I have [written on a similar subject here before](https://esotericbullshit.net/coming-out/), although their post has me also thinking about how the performance of gender roles in my relationship is, in many ways, queer. + +* At a district-wide conference day, different teams delivered a training I helped develop. It's something I have been pushing for since March of 2021. In many ways, it feels like a culmination of that journey — though I feel mixed about how our administration has behaved about it — but I'm also trying to view it as just another step forward. We have so much more to do. + +* I started planning (and inviting people to) my birthday party! I am turning 30 next month and have all sorts of feelings about it. A friend who moved away a few months ago (and who we have dearly missed) is going to come out for it, too, so I am really just trying to focus on being excited to celebrate with the people I care about. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/013.md b/content/week-notes/013.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a2e197c --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/013.md @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ +--- +draft: false +title: spend my days running in circles (week notes 013) +tags: [week-notes] +date: 2024-10-20 +--- + +# Doing +* I presented to pre-service teachers at my alma mater with a colleague! Emotionally, I still feel like I was in their spot not that long ago — and then I remember I graduated over six years ago (and into a vastly different world and job market). +* I'm finding myself using ellipses a lot and I do not like it. Is this growing old? Am I becoming a boomer? +* I'm thinking about maintaining some kind of daily log — just simple, passing notes on what I did, what I thought about. Obsidian has this feature built in and it might be a good way to start. I like the idea of it being searchable and (theoretically) infinite in size, but I also want an excuse for another notebook. + * I used to do daily reflections at the end of my work day. Slowly, those became every few days, then every week, then rarely. It was a good practice that I wish I had maintained, but there's already so much I'm packing into my work day — and my goal in daily notes is to be more mindful about what I'm doing and thinking in my free time. +* I attended my state-wide English teacher conference; this is something like my sixth or seventh time attending and I still find it valuable. I left with a lot of great ideas on how to diversify my practice and better empower my students. +# Watching +* **_Percy Jackson and the Olympians._** Joe and I have watched a few episodes. I liked the book fine, but the TV show has yet to grab me. It lacks Percy's narrative voice (and personality), and while it's good that Percy is played by an actual child, his pre-pubescent voice freaks me out. +* **_Broad City_**. Joe and I watched a lot of _Broad City_ early in our relationship, but we never finished it. We are starting it over from the beginning. Still funny! +# Listening +* **Charli XCX, _Brat and it's completely different but also still brat_.** Every re-release and new drop for _brat_ innovates, co-exists, and complements. The features on this remix album feel like an ode to the remarkable original release and a statement of how pivotal the album has been personally and for the industry writ large. This version of "Everything is romantic" is as much a remix as an iteration; the original captures a single moment in beautiful, mimetic detail, and this one is another artist following the theme and form with their own experiences. _brat_ is undoubtedly a project we'll all be talking about when we discuss the music of the 2020s; I love witnessing its creation in real time. + * For the haters, a friend of mine said the mixing was bad and that it "just sounds like noise." I still like her (Charli and the friend, in that order[^1]). +* **Foxholes, _Foxholes_.** I found "Alligator" while going through Daytrotter archives and loved it; the rest of the album is pleasant listening, but "Alligator" is the stand out. +* **Yung Lean, _Stardust_.** I loved Yung Lean's feature on _Brat and it's completely different but also still brat_; imagine my surprise when I discovered that [the esoteric bullshit (or so I thought) I was listening to ten+ years ago as a joke but not really](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stgrSjynPKs&pp=ygUJeXVuZyBsZWFu) went on to be a critically recognized artist. I thought it was just a weird fucking song. + * _Stardust_ is a much more polished and, dare I say, coherent and digestible[^2] product than "Hurt"; I like it, but I'm not sure any of the songs will earn the coveted ⭐ on Plex.[^3] It's music I'd have to be in a mood for — although the mumble-y nature of it makes it good background music while working. Maybe it just needs to sit with me a little more. +[^1]: just kidding :-) +[^2]: but the contrary is maybe more fun +[^3]: maybe I should do a write up on how I organize my ridiculous music collection (18191 tracks and growing every day) diff --git a/content/week-notes/014.md b/content/week-notes/014.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b996770 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/014.md @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ +--- +draft: false +title: it's second nature to love you (week notes 014) +tags: [week-notes] +date: 2024-11-24 +--- +first week notes in a while so some of this might not be strictly "this week" + +# Doing +* I turned 30. I had a big party with lots of friends — and I feel grateful to have so many folks who want to celebrate with me, including some who drove substantial distances. I still have a bunch of mixed up feelings about crossing this threshold, but I'm trying to remember the advice of a friend: it's a gift to grow older. +* This maybe belongs under a playing heading, but maybe not: I picked up **_Ring Fit Adventure_** for the first time since the pandemic. It's getting to be too cold out to run, so I need an alternate fitness option. My most reliable gym buddy moved away, so I'm seeing if I can get _Ring Fit_ to stick again. I am definitely in way better shape than when I was playing years ago; I would feel faint after 20-30 minutes in the game, but my first session was over 30 minutes and I felt fine (albeit sweaty) after. Turning 30 feels like an inflection point where I need to get serious about losing weight. +* I also went to the gym for the first time in months to run on the treadmill. With snow season upon us, I need to transition to indoor running. I like it quite a bit less, but I don't want to lose progress. +* We had our first big snow of the season on Friday, which meant a (much-needed) lazy snow day at home. +# Watching +* **_Daria_, season four.** I started rewatching Daria around Halloween because I dressed as her for the holiday. I still love it and I still hate Tom. +* **[Friends at the Table's _Fields of Mistria_ streams.](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzdTG0JyblU&list=PLIAGhNc7IWXxCHc55BwOsuTgMrDM8smSU&index=18&pp=iAQB)** I'm not a FatT fan — actual play podcasts do not appeal to me at all — but Joe is, and I otherwise like a lot of the personalities on the show. Ali is probably my favorite and Joe and I love farming games like _Mistria_ a whole lot. +# Playing +* **_Pokémon Crystal Legacy._** I had a hankering of Gen 2 nostalgia hit me, so I've been working my way through this ROM hack. I know a lot of my love for Gen 2 stems from it being my first Pokémon — and, indeed, one of the first _games_ I really ever played — but I'm happy to report that it's just as charming as I remember. +# Listening +* **Rainbow Kitten Surprise, _RKS_.** Listened on the recommendation of a friend; I was concerned initially because I really didn't like the first track (my words: "Big garage vibes. Like shit you listen to while you work on your motorcycle"), but after that hump, I really loved the album. My tops are "Cold Love," "Wasted," "All's Well That Ends," and "Lady Lie." "Cold Love" in particular has really hung around in my head. diff --git a/content/week-notes/015.md b/content/week-notes/015.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1608ca7 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/015.md @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ +--- +draft: false +title: my voice moved hades so he extinguished the fire (week notes 015) +tags: + - week-notes +date: 2024-12-01 +--- +# Doing +* Joe and I ran a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. My time was not good (40:38), but there was wet, heavy snow coming down, so I was mostly focused on not eating shit. I think mid-November might be my 5K cutoff. We otherwise stayed home for the holiday and spent some much needed time relaxing together. +* With the holiday season upon us, this is usually around the time that I take a big trip out to a nearby mall to get gifts for everyone. I want to commit this year to shopping mostly (entirely?) from local small businesses or buying handmade and secondhand goods. I'm happy to live in a town with a great Main Street, and I want to stop dumping my money into corporations. + * I did order a bunch of rechargeable batteries from Amazon for Black Friday, but that was the extent of my shopping. +* I miss podcasting again. I've run a few podcasts over the years, which all petered out for various reasons, but I'm feeling the itch again. I don't know what I'd podcast about, though, which runs contrary to popular logic: you should have something to say, not just the desire to say things. I love audio production and the sound of my own voice, though. + * Maybe I record audio versions of my blog posts and turn that into a podcast? I want to write more, after all. I don't think my week notes would be conducive to an audio format, but maybe my longer form writing (what little of it exists). +* I bought a camera (Panasonic Lumix G7) on a bit of a whim. I film a lot of videos for my school, so I guess there's professional utility in using something other than my phone, but I also want to get better about taking pictures to preserve memories. +# Watching +* On Saturday, I felt sick and rotted on the couch and watched YouTube junkfood: mostly [outsidexbox](https://www.youtube.com/@outsidexbox)'s seven things videos and [Macho Nacho](https://www.youtube.com/@MachoNachoProductions) console mod videos. + * I don't mod consoles. I like to tinker with electronics, but I've never soldered anything. Somehow, however, I find myself watching a lot of these sorts of videos. I think I admire the production value and Tito's calm, measured approach. +* I'm about done with **_Daria_**, but I haven't watched the movies yet. +# Reading +* **_Into the Wild_ by John Krakauer.** As a kid, the film adaptation was on frequent rotation in my house; my mom often fixated on one movie and watched it over and over, and she was a big fan of the soundtrack as well. I've always wanted to read the book since, and I'm trying again to commit to reading more now that the start of school year frenzy has died down for me. I'm enjoying following McCandless's story and don't think Krakauer too effusive (though his biases are clear), but some of the tangents feel extraneous. + * **Finished on November 28.** A humanizing and sympathetic account of a controversial figure. A few meandering chapters, but there are — in McCandless's case especially — wrong turns taken in pursuit of truth, meaning, and beauty. +* I've ordered Charlotte Brontë's **_Villette_** through my local bookstore as an upcoming read on the recommendation of a student's parent. I'm also interested in getting my hands on **_The Dead Father_** by David Barthelme after reading an excerpt in _Into the Wild._ +# Playing +* **_Satisfactory._** Just a few months before the pandemic, while I was in grad school, I fell deeply in love with _Satisfactory_ and attempted in vain to explain to my literary and well-rounded colleagues that I was spending my free time balancing my iron production pipelines and converting from biomass energy to coal. I dipped my toe in a few more times after my mania but resolved to wait until 1.0 as many of my production lines would need to be seriously re-tooled. Joe suggested we start a co-op save this week and I am back and thriving. + * We did get into a brief, heated conflict over manifold (my preference) versus balanced production, an argument all couples experience at some point in their relationship, I'm sure. +* I played a little but more of **_Pokémon Crystal_**, but I'm at a point where I have to grind out levels to take on the next gym, which I'm supremely uninterested in doing. Maybe I'll just hack my save. +# Listening +* I downloaded the _Satisfactory_ soundtrack and have had that on in the background — it's very good. Otherwise, I'm mostly still listening to **Rainbow Kitten Surprise**. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/016.md b/content/week-notes/016.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..08fa2a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/016.md @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +--- +title: to find part of you still works is like a tiny victory (week notes 016) +date: 2024-12-08 +url: week-notes/016 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +# Doing +* I went for a run with a good friend at an indoor track near me. The track itself is quite short, so the run is a little awkward, but it's a super soft flooring which made the run easy on my joints. It's nice to have a new run buddy, too! +* Saturday I felt angry and sick and exhausted all day; I'd intended to go out and do holiday shopping but instead just rotted at home. I know I needed the rest, but seemingly everything put me in a bad mood. It's maybe just PMS — I haven't been good about tracking my cycle lately, though — or just the seasonal depression. It's shit no matter what it is. +# Reading +* [Hometown Visit](https://lanadelrue.bearblog.dev/hometown-visit). I love reading folks who blog about their loves. It's probably voyeuristic — I don't know that it reflects well on me — but it makes me wish I had the courage to do the same. +* **Sandra Cisneros, _Woman Hollering Creek_.** I'm waiting for _Villette_ to come in, so I wanted something that would be easy to jump in and out of. This fits the bill; I love _Mango Street_ dearly and this simply feels like more of it (albeit not following one character, but then, Cisneros's stories all seem to co-exist). +* [25 Wirecutter Journalists Can’t Be Wrong: How Owala Became an Official Water Bottle Pick](https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/owala-freesip-review/). What a ridiculously self-important, self-absorbed article. I generally like and use Wirecutter; some of their recommendations are ridiculously decadent and detached from reality, but they are one of the few reliable online sources for product reviews and recommendations. I am all for an ode to something you love and that makes your life better, but this read not as "we tested and compared a lot of products" but more "we all have good taste and have this water bottle so it must be good, right?" +# Watching +* **[Evermore: The Theme Park That Wasn't - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9OhTB5eBqQ) by Jenny Nicholson.** I love Jenny's videos but hadn't watched this one yet; I dozed through portions but enjoyed it all the same. +# Playing +* **_Pride & Prejudice The Board Game_**. My brother gifted this to me years ago and I've never found an opportunity to play it. A student of mine is listening to the audiobook of _P&P_ on my recommendation and I told her about the board game; I thought I should play it first myself, so I convinced Joe to play with me. +* **_Fabledom_**. This has been in my Steam wishlist for ages, and I wanted a cozy game to try to quell my Saturday mood. It's OK. I enjoyed the time I put into it, but I don't think I will go back to it. City builders tend to entertain me for a few hours, but then I reach the later points of the game (or it becomes a chore to manage everything) and get bored. +# Listening +I've had three songs in rotation this week: "Clown Blood/Orpheus' Bobbing Head" by Los Campesinos!, "up" by Pigthe, and "You Good? (In Medias Res)" by Proper. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/017.md b/content/week-notes/017.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c15090 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/017.md @@ -0,0 +1,31 @@ +--- +title: sleepyhead 'cause all the fucking foxes kept me awake last night (week notes 017) +date: 2024-12-15 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +# Doing +I **bought a new domain name** — I'm not going to post it just yet — but I'm considering switching this site over to it. I love esotericbullshit, but I'm not sure it's the energy I want to put out there. It makes the URL a little hard to share. But it also feels remarkably stupid when I _just_ moved this over from another domain (which is incidentally quite similar to the new one...).[^1] + +On Wednesday, I went to bar trivia with some friends. We had a good time! I used to go frequently, but it usually conflicts with my volleyball rec league, so it's fallen by the wayside. The league is between seasons now though, and we liked the theme, so we made our triumphant[^2] return. + +I spent Saturday braving crowds at the mall[^3] in an attempt at holiday shopping. I think I ended up spending more on myself than on others. The holiday gift exchange has felt more and more ridiculous each of the last few years. Maybe I'm becoming more cynical and tired of capitalism as I age (I had thought the remedy there would be to shop local, and I did, but I still had folks on my list). Maybe it's a natural shift in adulthood — all my friends and family members are adults with lives and houses (or apartments) and income to buy themselves what they want. Gift exchanges then become the trading of useless trinkets to which the recipient has the most tenuous of connections. I used to love buying gifts for people; it used to feel like an exhilarating challenge to find something charmingly specific to them. Now it just feels like a burden. + +# Reading +I'm continuing to read **_Woman Hollering Creek and other stories_** by Sandra Cisneros (from last week). I really loved "Never Marry a Mexican"; many of the early stories are told from the perspective of a child or a teen. Cisneros excels here (see _Mango Street_), but it becomes a little exhausting; "Never Marry" was a welcome break. Some of the stories run long, though, and can begin to feel repetitive — but then, I don't think you're meant to marathon through this but rather read stories here and there from the collection. + +One of my purchases for myself while holiday shopping was a new paperback copy of **_Pride & Prejudice_**. In late high school, I read it for the first time, and I spent the next few years reading it again and again. My old copy is worn, an odd size, and technically stolen from my mother, so while I wait for **_Villette_** and **_The Dead Father_** to come into my local bookstore, I have started re-reading **_P&P_** for the first time in almost a decade. I'm quite early in, but I am glad to report that I love it still.[^4] + +# Watching +I've convinced Joe to watch the 2009 **_Emma_** mini-series with me. I am hoping to leverage this into him consuming more Austen media with me, including **_Clueless_**, which he has never seen despite it being one of my favorite movies. + +I also started watching **_Girls_** for reasons that I cannot fully explain. I think I'm just puzzled by it; I hear folks complain about how shamelessly self-centered and insipid it is and then in the same breath discuss it as a cultural touchstone. I suppose I wanted to see for myself. I'm not sure how far I will make it; the first few episodes have had little humor or draw for me. + +[^1]: Here's the thing: I already bought the new one, so I should just do what I want and chase whatever feels natural and authentic to me in this moment. But I *do* also think it's important to maintain some sense of permanency, as I don't want this to be just another web project that I abandon. I admire the folks who have been blogging at the same site for a decade (even more so if they've left all that legacy content up); I tend to grow self-conscious a year or more on and delete, forget, abandon. So why not commit to the choice I've made — even if it doesn't feel right _now_, maybe it will tomorrow? Or should I chase what inspires and just set up redirects...? Discuss. (By which I mean send me an email if you've ever been caught in this conundrum; like Fleabag, I think I just want someone to tell me what to do, right now and in general.) + +[^2]: second place + +[^3]: I am part of the problem + +[^4]: am I retreating into past favorites in reaction to Trump's re-election and a bleak, desperate future? explain your answer in a response of at least four sentences \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/018.md b/content/week-notes/018.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bd46ae7 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/018.md @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ +--- +title: using purell 'til my hands bleed and swell (week notes 18) +date: 2024-12-22 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +# Doing +Unfortunately I haven't been able to exercise much; partly, this is because I haven't been making the time for it, but I also tweaked my right shoulder somehow and it's been quite painful to use in every day tasks. _Ring Fit_ is therefore off the table. The trouble is that I genuinely don't know what I did to it! This week is my last before our holiday break, and I'm hoping to get back on the horse over the course of my 16 (!!) days off. + +![a painting of a black cat, wide eyed, with a speech bubble that reads "stop talking"](https://cassieland.b-cdn.net/images/2024/12/stoptalking.png) + +I briefly contemplated [spending far too much money on a print of Martha Rich's "Stop Talking,"](https://20x200.com/products/stop-talking?variant=10674962884) but I'm far too poor and cheap, even though it expertly captures how I feel lately after work (or interacting with anyone). + +I've been in a strange headspace since turning 30. I feel as though I know myself and the world so much better now, like it's time to stop wasting all *my time* on the bullshit and focus instead on what's really important to me. I have been reflecting on myself a lot lately, but in a present- and future-oriented way: what is it I want to be doing? What really fucking matters? These questions sound quite existential and they are, but they're also oddly liberating — and it's driving me to read more and (hopefully) write again. It all feels like coming back home after a long trip, taking comfort and finding peace and joy in the known and loved familiar.[^1] +# Reading +I'm still (re-)reading _Pride & Prejudice_ and I'm just as in love with it as ever. I'm sure it's revisionist history on my part, but I feel I understand the humor, the plot, the politic far more this time around — but then, I'm always looking back at the past and thinking I've grown far older and wiser since when perhaps only the former is true. +# Watching +Joe and I finished the **_Emma_** mini-series that we started last week; I'd seen it before and found it similarly delightful this time around, though I'm beginning to doubt my prior assertions that _Emma_ is Austen's work (albeit not my personal favorite). Perhaps a re-read is in order... + +I'm also continuing on with **_Girls_**; I'm actually enjoying it now (still in season one). There's some really funny shit in it, but most of the dramatic beats fall short for me. I find Hannah generally insufferable, Adam I'm up and down on, I love what little Shoshanna there is, I'm tepid on Jessa, and I like Marnie. +# Listening +* **["2468" by Horsegirl.](https://thisishorsegirl.bandcamp.com/track/2468)** A random find while stumbling around Bandcamp, but I'm in love. +* ***On the Intricate Inner Workings of the System,* The Bug Club.** Pleasant listening but a bit humdrum; few standouts for me as there have been on their other albums. +* ***Alopecia,* WHY?** I've been listening to "Good Friday," mainly, and sampling other tracks here and there for years. For some reason I had a line from "These Few Presidents" in my head this week — "even though I haven't seen you for years, yours is a funeral I'd run to from anywhere" — and it prompted me to at last listen to the album all the way through. I have since been (figuratively) spinning and shuffling it through the week. I've not listened to any others of WHY?'s albums — I get the impression they're variable in quality — but I may give them a shot. + +[^1]: to my friends: I'm sorry (no I'm not) for all the hand-wringing I did leaving up to this birthday only to, a month in, be singing 30's praises \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/019.md b/content/week-notes/019.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c3a69c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/019.md @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ +--- +title: stop thinking a phone call or text is too complicated (week notes 019) +date: 2025-01-04 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +I'm still reading **_Pride & Prejudice_**, but with the hubbub of the holidays, I haven't made much progress. I'm excited about the next books in my pile, though, so I am determined to finish soon. + +I've burned through several seasons of **_Girls_** since my last week notes. I'm in the last season now, and my opinions have started to solidify. I think if I'd watched the show at the time of airing, I'd have found Lena et al. insufferably pretentious. Old age has softened me; instead I find it a charming (though still deeply problematic and limited in the perspectives it represents) contra point. TV was and is rife with the male perspective, shows at which many of the same critiques could be levied (_Seinfeld_, _Always Sunny_, etc.). I think _Girls_ attracts the ire it does partly due to its creator's frequent gaffes and problematic statements but also because it challenges the status quo simply by its existence and its featuring complex women who are hard to like. I don't think there was a cultural crisis of any kind over the characters in shows like _Always Sunny_ being unlikeable — it's clear that they're meant to be. _Girls_ is the same, but our culture has far more trouble swallowing unlikeable women. I also think that, while the show has its ups and downs and some storylines that don't work, it is pretty consistent in quality — something I don't often say about shows that run for several seasons. + +Joe and I have been playing lots of **_Satisfactory_**. We've reached Tier 6 but are focused on redoing / optimizing old supply lines and completing the FICSMAS event before we get into oil production. + +I downloaded *__The Well I Fell Into__* by WHY? after listening to a bunch of _Alopecia_ over the last few weeks. I haven't been able to make it through for some reason. It's not that I've turned it off because I don't like it, but none of it really grabs me, save for "Marigold," which I absolutely love. + +--- +I'm in the midst of a pretty bad flair up of seasonal depression, so these week notes are brief and hastily cobbled together. I missed a week over the holidays though and I want to be more consistent in 2025. I see lots of folks compiling yearly wrap ups and resolutions, but I'm struggling with basic tasks like getting out of bed and eating right now. I don't mean to make myself sound all desperate and pathetic, to garner sympathy or to attract pity — but I think it's important to be honest about mental health. Please know that I've dealt with this for a long time and it's just a matter of riding it out; my depression never manifests to suicidal ideation and very rarely self-harm. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/020.md b/content/week-notes/020.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8353478 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/020.md @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ +--- +title: hold on tight to this time, this place (week notes 020) +date: 2025-01-11 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +I had a friend over one evening for pizza and card games — mostly Fan Tan and Blackjack, which are almost the only card games I like. My volleyball rec league started up again this week; I haven't made time for physical exercise lately, and volleyball is a good commitment. I'd like to start running again soon too, but I'm nursing a minor foot injury that I'd like to see cleared up before I put too much stress on it. Thursday was the school spelling bee, which is both fun and heart-wrenching to watch. + +Joe and I went out to dinner on Friday at a restaurant we love. We're not a "date night" couple, but he suggested going out and it was really nice — we haven't really made time recently to do things just the two of us. It was a good way to end the week. + +I'm reading *Pride & Prejudice*, still, and am still loving it — I just haven't had much time to read with going back to school this week. I'm almost done, though, and I'm really excited to read *Villette* by Charlotte Brontë next. + +To close out my viewing of **_Girls_**, I watched [Princess Weekes's thoughtful and well-rounded analysis of it](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sQY0F_ioh6Q). I generally agree with a lot of what she's said. I think the racial politics and whiteness of the show sucks, and while I think Lena is somewhat correct in her defense that she wrote from her own experience and would not perhaps be able to authentically write characters of color, that all could easily have been solved by just having a more diverse writing staff. Lena deserves much of the flack she gets, but I also think Weekes is correct that that ire should also be directed to the studio execs who do not prioritize diversity — as **_Girls_** is far from the only show to have had this problem (even though it became the lightning rod for it, for both good and bad faith reasons). + +I listened to *form without content* by **luminism** after hearing a song of theirs on *YARG*. The album as a whole wasn't for me, [but I like "poser" a lot](https://luminism.bandcamp.com/track/poser-2). It feels like a song I'd have loved when I was 13, which is a rare sort of nostalgia for me. + +--- +I'm trying out doing my week notes without the big headings. We'll see what I land on as a format! \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/021.md b/content/week-notes/021.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e05589f --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/021.md @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ +--- +title: she knows I love my cereal (week notes 21) +date: 2025-01-19 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +I recently discovered some weirdness with my hard drives in my PC. It's a long story that isn't worth telling, but the end of it is that I bought an NVMe drive and am starting fresh with a clean install of Windows. It's fairly painless now that I have a drive that's *just* my files with a separate OS drive. I do have to reinstall and set up some apps again, but it has been a good opportunity to reassess the cruft I've let build up on there over the years. + +I went to the gym for the first time in a long time. A friend wants to join and get into the routine, so I'm hoping that I can latch on to that momentum. + +Otherwise, I'm unfortunately glued to the news and despairing about the incoming presidency. I was never on TikTok (an intentional choice), but this whole ridiculous saga has emphasized to me the importance of having a space on the internet I own and control. I've got plans for a direction I want my site to take, but all in time... For now, I'm grateful to have this. Larger than that, though, I'm terrified for what the future holds. +# Reading +I'm something like twenty pages from the end of *Pride & Prejudice*. I need to just sit down and finish it, but work has been so hectic. I've let that become an excuse. +# Playing +I had some friends over and played ***YARG*** with them. I'm happy to have a backup and potential replacement for *Rock Band* as it is no longer maintained and I don't know if I see myself buying another home console ever (*Rock Band* is the only thing I turn my PS4 on for these days). I'm a little disappointed that many of the fan-made charts out there are only for guitar, but there's still a great library to select from. + +I played a little **_Vampire Survivors_**, for the first time in a long time; it's easy to pick up after months (years?) away, and it might be a good replacement for idle scrolling on social media. + +# Listening +I listened to Mac Miller's ***Circles*** all the way through, I think for the first time since it released, after a friend became hyperfixated on "Right" (which I had not heard yet — I never listened to the bonus tracks for the deluxe release). I had such mixed feelings about it when it came out. It's the first posthumous release I've ever really *thought* about, and it just didn't grab me. I think it didn't feel like an authentic Mac release; I don't hold any ill will for anyone involved, and I think his family has handled his estate respectfully, but it was missing something — but then, it was intended to be a new, different direction for Mac. Regardless, I wanted to see how I felt years on, so I jotted feelings down track-by-track. + +1. "Circles" - I've loved this song from the jump. I heard a leaked version months before the release was announced and adored it. +2. "Complicated" - The synths in this song are so bad, and the pitched up ab libs are awful. It feels like if someone else tried to make a Mac song and imitate Delusional Thomas features. +3. "Blue World" - I like it more than I remember, but it is a little grating. +4. "Good News" - A good song. I loved it when I first heard it, but it's grown stale for me. This is probably the song I'd recommend to someone who wants to get into Mac but isn't big on rap. +5. "I Can See" - Again, the synths! They're awful. They sound like a jrpg hotel track and not in a good way. +6. "Everybody" - Another I like more than I recall. I like hearing Mac sing, but there's something bland in the instrumentation and production. It's a refined but dry track. +7. "Woods" - I love "Woods." I think it's my favorite on the album. +8. "Hand Me Downs" - Probably the most reminiscent of Mac's *Swimming* sound. Despite that, it's not my favorite; I like the Mac parts but not whoever is featured on it +9. "That's On Me" - Awful and repetitive; can't stand it. +10. "Hands" - Fine, but I wouldn't listen to it unless I was making it a point to listen through the entire album. +11. "Surf" - This is probably my most listened to song from the album. It's simple, but it works. +12. "Once a Day" - Another I like more than I remember. I think I like *Circles* most when it's pared down, simple tracks. +13. "Right" - I really like this one. The drums are sick. +14. "Floating" - No real feelings. + +It really is a pop album (hot take: a pop album for old people). I admire how Mac always experimented and evolved his sound — this direction just wasn't for me, I guess. + +And, of course, **_Balloonerism_** was released this week. I'd heard all but two songs through listening to leaks, so it didn't hold any great surprises for me, but I love it still — it's a fantastically weird, experimental little project that has some of my favorite Mac songs on it (namely, "Do You Have a Destination?" and "Excelsior"). It's beautiful to hear the tracks properly mastered and to assuage some of my guilt about listening to leaks, but it's bittersweet, too: this feels pretty definitively like the last proper Mac release we will see aside from some bonus tracks and loosies on anniversary editions (please give me "He Finally Sleeps" and "Pure" 🙏). *Blue Slide Park* aside (it's about the progress, the journey!), I think Mac was an incredible artist with so much still left to share when he passed. It's good to hear his voice and fresh songs, but they always linger with loss. + +A coworker also recommended **The New Pornographers** to me; I listened to a few songs from *Twin Cinema* and found them aggressively fine, but I think perhaps I don't have headspace for anything that isn't Mac right now. I'll finish the album and give *Mass Romantic* a shot some other time. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/022.md b/content/week-notes/022.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8eda3e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/022.md @@ -0,0 +1,29 @@ +--- +title: I need love, can you get to me now? (week notes 022) +date: 2025-01-26 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +summary: I bought a space heater so I can feel like I am in hell where I belong +--- +# Doing +I bought a space heater — primarily for my office, which is uninsulated — and it's a revelation. I took a fat nap in front of it on Friday night. I can't believe it took me this long to get one (I thought the were way more expensive than they actually are and that Joe was morally opposed to them for some reason). + +I'm working on decreasing my use of big social media apps and focusing instead on indieweb spaces. I cut my Twitter habit a long time ago and only keep it around for Los Campesinos! updates (would love to see them move to another platform — seems incongruous with their politics that they're still on there almost exclusively). I'm tapering off on Facebook and Instagram. I could delete my Facebook today without another thought, but I have a few friends on Instagram that aren't active elsewhere that I'd hate to lose contact with — but that becomes less and less worth it to me as Meta continues to slide into active evil. I know this doesn't sound like someone trying to get off of social media, but as a once daily user of all these platforms, I'm making a lot of progress. + +In general, though, the depression and anhedonia are continuing. I've been trying to go to the gym whenever I feel desperate and lost because at least then I'm doing something healthy *while* feeling desperate and lost, but the horrors persist. +# Reading +On Sunday, ashamed of having yet another week note with **_Pride & Prejudice_** still in progress, I finally sat (laid) down and finished off the last twenty pages. I love the book just as much (maybe more? is this recency bias speaking?) as I did years ago and feel once again confident calling it one of my favorite books. Next up is Brontë's *Villette* — I haven't cracked the cover yet despite carrying it around with me. +# Watching +I'm continuing on with **_Euphoria_**, but I'm undecided on it. Maybe I was a loser in high school[^1], but these plotlines seem absurd (and gross and exploitative) for sixteen year olds. I also think some of the characters' motivations and actions — particularly Nate's — make absolutely no sense. There are also plot threads that dominate the show but then seem to be abandoned; in general, I just feel there's a few too many characters that the show is split between. Regardless, though, I still feel compelled to keep going. +# Playing +I bought **_Fields of Mistria_** and have been playing that. Joe and I have kept up with Mistria Mondays on [Friends at the Table](https://www.youtube.com/c/FriendsattheTable), and he started playing it a few weeks ago. I'm still very early on in it. I like it, but it has yet to fill me with the same joy and wonder that **_Stardew Valley_** did. I do think it's a little unfair that it is constantly compared to _Stardew_ — it should be allowed to exist and be discussed on its own merits, and _Stardew_ is far from the first to do a lot of what it does — but the comparison is sort of inevitable. _Stardew_ saw me through a pretty intense period of depression years ago, so I think I sought out _Mistria_ for the same reasons.[^2] +# Listening +I'm trying out, when I got to the gym to run, listening through entire albums. So far it's been just ones I know I love (Mac Miller's *GO:OD AM* and Bloc Party's *Silent Alarm*). I need to listen to music when I run to keep my mind distracted, but my gym playlists get stale so quickly. We'll see how this works for me. + +I heard Laura Les's "Haunted" on an episode of *Euphoria* and really loved it — it's an awesome pull for Jules's character. I've never had contact with **100 gecs** despite being the target audience for them. I downloaded *1000 gecs* to listen to and generally enjoyed it; it's a weird album and one I'd definitely have to be in the mood for — not really stuff I could play on car rides with friends. Regardless, though, I think it's a fucking cool album — big nightcore AMV vibes. + +It is probably worth noting that, on my second listen through, my audio interface fucked up and was outputting everything with a distorted static and I sort of just assumed that was how the album sounded. + +[^1]: I know I was, but if being *not* a loser means being involved in the shit these kids get into, then I'm glad to be a loser. +[^2]: I would not say I am intensely depressed right now, but seasonal depression is real and I probably have it and also Trump is president again so who isn't? \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/023.md b/content/week-notes/023.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1802a3d --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/023.md @@ -0,0 +1,31 @@ +--- +title: dancing around the subject 'til my legs hurt (week notes 23) +date: 2025-02-02 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +summary: finishing Euphoria instead of reading classic literature +--- +# Doing +We had an unexpected snow day on Tuesday and then Wednesday off for Lunar New Year, which was a welcomed opportunity to relax at home. I played a lot of _Fields of Mistria_ and did some upgrades to the computers in my house — all three (my PC, Joe's, and one hooked up to our TV) are AM4 builds, so I'm able to upgrade my PC and put the old parts into the others. We're also planning and ordering equipment for our next big home project: wiring the living room and office with Cat6 ethernet and running down to a managed switch on the network rack. We made all of the purchases this week and plan to do the work over our February break. + +Joe and I had a talk about something I've been rolling around in my head a lot lately — my inability to shut my brain off and enjoy things, my refusal to ever just commit to the moment. It's maybe a topic for a longer post. + +I finally deleted my twitter account, which dates back to probably 2011 or 2012. I stopped using it in favor of Mastodon and Bluesky a long time ago, but I dragged my feet about actually pulling the trigger. I'm finally done. Elon Musk is a Nazi and I don't fuck with that. I could delete Facebook without another thought, but I have a few friends who use Instagram *only* that I want to keep up with. With time, maybe, but this is a step in the right direction for now. + +# Reading +I have not touched *Villette* since reading the first twenty pages. Maybe back to back 19th century lit wasn't a good idea? + +# Watching +I finished *Euphoria*. I think I really liked it? Season two went some bad (as in, poorly written and plotted) places, but so did season one I think — the first season was just a lot tighter and more cohesive. I've read some about the behind the scenes drama with the show, which sours me — the creator seems like a dick. Jules remains my favorite, and I'm interested to see where season three goes if it ever actually gets made. + +Joe and I have been watching [Vinny and Abby play *The Roottrees Are Dead* on Nextlander](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PsjZ6qakyJY). It seems like a neat game that I'd really enjoy playing, but I love Vinny and Abby's dynamic too much to not watch it — and I think I'd need time to forget everything before I play it myself. The streams make me miss the golden days of Giant Bomb East... + +I've also been watching (with Joe on and off) [Into the Aether's short-lived *Final Fantasy X* playthrough](https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLe_AuQUfBKl6qEwkoLSlUXSCskcMEOKt0). It's reawakening my love for that game; I think I have convinced Joe to play through it with me. +# Playing +I'm continuing to enjoy *Fields of Mistria*. I've reached mid-fall and the bottom of the mines (for now). It might become a game I check in on when new updates come out, but I think what's here is really, really amazing. + +# Listening +I listened to *10000 gecs* after really liking *1000 gecs*. It was a disappointment personally; I admire experimentation and innovation, but it didn't hit for me. It strayed too far from the goofy hyperpop that they did so well on *1000 gecs*; it was too much of a genre mishmash that leaned too hard into absurdism for the sake of comedy. + +A friend of mine, who [made their own really sick hyperpop album](https://nkbradio.bandcamp.com/album/another-summer), recommended that I check out [*fishmonger* by underscores](https://underscores.bandcamp.com/album/fishmonger). I loved it. Maybe a perfect album. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/024.md b/content/week-notes/024.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1ce7bed --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/024.md @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ +--- +title: listen to my story (week notes 024) +date: 2025-02-23 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: false +--- +I've missed a few weeks, so consider this my catch up post before starting my week notes up again... + +# Doing +I'm working on migrating off big tech companies — I've deleted all my twitter accounts and am in the process of migrating from Google Photos to a self-hosted [immich](https://immich.app/) service. Joe and I are also working on wiring up some of our house with ethernet: we've run cable the living room and plan to do the office next. I've also upgraded my server rack with a patch panel and managed switch (Aruba S2500). That will maybe become a big project post once we're done. + +Of course, with the said, I needed a new phone and bought a Google Pixel Pro 9. I'm not happy being in Google's ecosystem as much as I am, but there's also no ethical consumption under global capitalism and I don't want the bullshit bloatware other companies put on their Android phones. + +# Reading +I think I've given up on *Villette* for now — it's just not getting me excited to read. I started Daniel Handler's memoir *And Then? And Then? What Else?* — we'll see how that treats me. + +# Playing +I re-played *Final Fantasy X* with Joe watching; I'd been trying for years to get Joe to play it himself, but he stubbornly refused, saying he hated turn-based combat. There are now [excellent mods out there](https://www.nexusmods.com/finalfantasyxx2hdremaster/mods/228) to replace the busted HD remaster faces, and we have a working Steam Link setup to let us play PC games on the couch, so the time felt right. + +I'm happy to say that I loved the game just as much as when I've played it before. The world of Spira is still beautiful and dense and complicated with a soundtrack to match; every time the leitmotif kicks in, I feel both deeply sad and at home — which I think captures the feeling of Spira so well. Joe asked me which character was my favorite and I said I wasn't sure (it's probably Yuna) because it really is an ensemble cast playing off of each other, each with their own backstory and motivations. + +And then the fucking *sorrow*. This is such a sad game. It's one that sat with me and lingered, even a good week after rolling credits. + +I'm not sure how much I'll dig into the endgame grinding and final bosses, but I'm also not sure I'm ready to leave Spira behind just yet. It's a shame there's no other games set in the world for me to play.[^1] + +# Listening +I listened to [*Wallsocket* by underscores](https://underscores.bandcamp.com/album/wallsocket) after really liking *fishmonger*. It had some good moments, but on the whole, I wasn't a fan. + +Horsegirl's full album, [*Phonetics On and On*](https://thisishorsegirl.bandcamp.com/album/phonetics-on-and-on), dropped, and I really like it. "Information Content" and "2468" are the standouts to me. I'm really excited to see them in a few weeks. + +I also listened to [*who told you to think??!!?!?!?!* by Milo](https://afrolab9000.bandcamp.com/album/who-told-you-to-think), which I found good not great (I really like "mrs" though), and I downloaded a few Car Seat Headrest albums to listen through. Back when I worked at Radioshack, my manager loved Car Seat Headrest, so we'd have them playing in the store quite often. I always liked their sound but just never dived into their discography (partly because it's so fucking confusing). It felt like a good time to change that. + +[^1]: this is, of course, a joke; I have never played *Final Fantasy X-2* and have some pretty big feelings about some of the bullshit in that game. Maybe one day. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/content/week-notes/025.md b/content/week-notes/025.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..24120b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/week-notes/025.md @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ +--- +title: (week notes 25) +date: 2025-03-02 +tags: + - week-notes +draft: true +--- +# Doing + +# Reading +*And Then? And Then? What Else?* has become a slog, but I press on nonetheless. There's little here to amuse or excite; even devout Lemony Snicket fans will be disappointed I think by the lack of new information or even commentary concerning the books. Handler confirms that the Baudelaires are named for the poet, that the melodrama of the books is inspired by Edvard Gorey, and that he openly disdains the film — hardly revelations by any means. Most egregiously, he seriously downplays the accusations of sexual inappropriateness against him and attempts to use his own childhood sexual assault as a shield against them. + +I don't think myself hostile to memoirs, but this book has struck me as meandering and self-aggrandizing. Selfishly, I'm also frustrated that he finds space to talk about the Snicket books (of course), *Why We Broke Up,* and *The Basic Eight,* but there is absolutely no mention of *Adverbs.* I'm pressing on with it because it is an easy (if plodding) read. + +# Watching + +# Playing +I started up *Final Fantasy XIV* again and finally reached First Serpent Lieutenant in my Grand Company, which means I'll now be able to use my seals to get more mounts. + +# Listening +I listened to selections from *Cerulean* and all of *Obsidian* by Baths, both albums I've loved at points in my life; *Guts* is out and I wanted to refresh before listening to it. \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/hugo.toml b/hugo.toml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fca7515 --- /dev/null +++ b/hugo.toml @@ -0,0 +1,29 @@ +baseURL = 'https://example.org/' +languageCode = 'en-us' +title = 'cassie.ink' +theme = 'neverhungoveragain' + +[module] +[[module.mounts]] + source = 'content' + target = 'content' + excludeFiles = ['templates/*.md'] + +[pagination] + disableAliases = false + pagerSize = 5 + path = 'page' + +[menus] + [[menus.main]] + name = 'About' + pageRef = '/about' + weight = 10 + [[menus.main]] + name = 'Posts' + pageRef = '/posts' + weight = 30 + [[menus.main]] + name = 'Week Notes' + pageRef = '/tags/week-notes' + weight = 40 \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/public/about/index.html b/public/about/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b5a40eb --- /dev/null +++ b/public/about/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,110 @@ + + + + + + | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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hi, my name is cassie.

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I’m an English teacher from New York. This is the home of the esoteric bullshit that I am incomprehensibly fixated on, which includes books, video games, music, and thinking way too much about everything.

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this site is currently built using hugo. I edit my posts in Obsidian (with the help of GitSync on mobile) and sync them to a repo on 32bitcafe. I use Cloudflare Pages to build and serve the site. The current theme is heavily inspired by Joyce Manor’s Never Hungover Again, a very good album that everyone should listen to.

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find me on

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+ + + diff --git a/public/an-ode-to-gitsync/index.html b/public/an-ode-to-gitsync/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b9937c0 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/an-ode-to-gitsync/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,133 @@ + + + + + +an ode to gitsync | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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an ode to gitsync

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Since I moved this site to Hugo, I’ve been using an app called GitJournal to post from my phone. I have a beautiful desk setup with a clacky mechanical keyboard that’s a joy to write on, but the simple fact is that I’m a lazy shit and want to update my blog from the couch. It’s all mostly worked fine, with some headaches. I originally intended to use GitJournal to store my Github repo to my phone’s filesystem and then point an Obsidian1 vault at that.

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Unfortunately, GitJournal currently cannot store the repo in the Android filesystem due to a permissions issue, so I can’t use it with Obsidian. GitJournal’s note-taking app is serviceable, but again, I want to use Obsidian. I’ve been making-do with GitJournal for a few months now — for once in my life, not fixing what’s broken — operating under the assumption that there were no other options.

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Allow me to repeat myself: I am a lazy shit.

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I am now using GitSync. It’s dead simple: you sign in with your Github account, select the repo you want to clone to your device, and that’s it. Critically for me, however, it has a setting to automatically sync the repo when you open and close certain apps — for me, Obsidian.

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GitSync screenshot

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This is the beauty of GitSync: it stays out of my way. Now that it’s configured, I don’t have to open it or think about it. I open Obsidian, write my silly little posts, close Obsidian, and I’m done.

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Everyone should have their own space on the web, and there are great tools out there like bearblog and Pika and so on. But I’m tired of hoping platforms and losing content: I want to own my space and what I write. I’m an idiot and I generally have no idea what I’m doing, so if you’re of a similar mind to me but daunted by the concept of creating your own website, shoot me an email. I’m not an expert, but I can at least share what I’ve learned and what I’ve set up: a way to run your own website but really just type shit in a note-taking app. Simple and frictionless.2

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    Obsidian is currently my preferred app for writing on my phone and on my PC. I’m not really using it as a knowledge management system like some people (although I would like to maybe move my Notion database of lesson and unit plans over to it), and I’m only currently using two plugins with it majorly, but its ethos aligns with mine for what an app should be. ↩︎

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    that is, unless you like to incessantly poke at shit and tinker like me, and then things change and break. but the posting, the posting is simple. ↩︎

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breaking silences

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Last time I updated this blog, I wrote about silences in my professional career. These past few weeks, I feel I am doing the work to break mine.

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I am the faculty advisor for my middle school’s GSA. I have been for years now, and it’s something I’m very proud of, but this year especially I feel I have a great crop of kids that I’m really connecting with. At my town’s Pride festival in early June, my club had a booth selling crafts the kids had made to raise funds. The kids filtered in and out to help sell goods, but mostly I think they just valued having a “home base” at the event. For me, it was a long, socially draining day, but speaking to them afterward about the experience and hearing them tell me how at home they felt at the festival, how comfortable they felt being themselves, was so gratifying.

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I also (inadvertently) walked into orientation for our incoming students. Our guidance counselor, who was giving the presentation, asked me to talk to the kids about the clubs I run; when I mentioned Pride Club, a handful of kids immediately lit up and excitedly looked at each other. I often feel I’m not achieving as much as I could be with the club, but I have to remind myself of how much it means to those kids — even if it’s only five or ten of them.

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In line with that, I have been pushing for the last several years for my district to mandate trainings for staff on making LGBTQ+ kids feel safe, welcomed, and affirmed. I was met at first with a lot of inaction — encouraging words but no real initiative from the people who can actually make that happen. So I decided to do it myself. I, along with some amazing colleagues and friends, adapted a training curriculum we found online and offered workshops at regional conferences. We partnered with my Alma mater to do the training for their education students. We even, through word of mouth, were contacted by a neighboring district and paid to do a workshop for them as guest presenters. I joined my district’s professional development committee to force the issue. And it worked: this summer, I will be preparing a team of my coworkers who can provide the training district-wide, with a trainer in every building.

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I’ve also taken on The Trevor Project’s 53 mile Pride Ride challenge to raise money for the organization.1 I’ve raised over $300 so far, and the challenge has motivated me to re-commit to my fitness goals. I’m at (almost) 35 miles as of writing this; I was making great progress, but the heat wave affecting upstate NY has stagnated my progress (temporarily).

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And finally, next year, I hope to join my district’s Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Committee and push my efforts even further. I’ve put in my application to join and been (verbally) promised a seat — and convinced some of my previously jaded coworkers to also put their voices in the ring.

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All this always comes with a lingering imposter syndrome, of course. My sexuality is not something I am generally open about professionally, and it’s not something that often comes up personally, either, being in a straight-presenting relationship. Who am I to appoint myself diversity officer? What right do I have?

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But of course the work is important. Even as unqualified as I feel — as a white person, too, as my work for LGBTQ+ kids has intersected with other DEI work, especially around race — I am starting conversations and beginning the process. Hopefully one day I can take my seat on the cis white person bench knowing that I used my privilege to pave the way for others to take up the fight, knowing that I broke those initial silences.

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    I considered linking my fundraising page, but The Trevor Project is running the fundraiser through Facebook (gross), which is linked to my actual real life identity. I have a feeling that a determined reader with too much time on their hands and a good deal of internet sleuthing ability could figure that out on their own — after all, my URL is my first name — but I still would rather not provide the direct link publicly. That said, if any readers genuinely want to contribute to the fundraiser for not-creepy reasons, feel free to shoot me an email. I feel that’s barrier enough. ↩︎

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Categories

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Coming Out

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I read a thread online recently about bisexuality: folks were discussing use of the label compared to something like pansexual. Many folks within the LGBTQ+ umbrella argue that pansexual is a more inclusive label than bisexual, as bi- upholds a binary view of gender.

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My relationship with my bisexuality has been fraught. I can pinpoint in specificity where I feel it started: in the sixth grade (for me, 2005 or 2006), reading the sex ed chapter in my science textbook, I was presented with the three sexualities — heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. I had, by that point, already started puberty and experienced low-level attraction. I’d been confused that that attraction never seemed to have a distinct target: I liked boys and I liked girls. I remember an immediate sense of comfort and belonging in the term. That’s allowed?, I thought. Reading it in a textbook made it seem so simple. Then surely that’s the way to be.

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Through the rest of middle and high school, I continued to experience attraction in this way, but the word suddenly felt more complicated. I lived in an extremely conservative town; there were only a handful of openly queer kids, and I was inundated with queerphobic messaging — that bisexuality was just a phase, that everyone is a little bicurious during puberty. I digested it and refused the label, even as friends privately insisted to me that being in love with Natalie Portman wasn’t something straight women experienced.

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This confusion and my (mostly unrelated) depression throughout high school made me uninterested in dating. When I finally graduated and moved on to college, the question became more pressing. I found myself seeking out spaces, both physically and digital, for queer people. My fleeting college friendships of the time were all with queer people. I found safety and comfort there, but I didn’t know why — I continued to insist I was straight and merely engaging in feminist allyship.

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The final breaking point was, I’m a bit ashamed to say, watching an episode of Adventure Time. In “What Was Missing,” Marceline and Princess Bubblegum’s past relationship becomes queer at least subtextually (but almost explicitly). I found myself crying, and I wasn’t sure why; ruminating over it hours later, I realized what I was feeling was affirmation and euphoria. I returned back to the emotion I felt upon seeing the word bisexual in that textbook all those years ago, the simple acknowledgement and acceptance. It was the last time my sexuality made sense to me, and here again I felt that same emotion.

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I finally accepted myself as bisexual from then on — I was 19 years old. I “came out” to a few online friends. but I felt some hang-ups identifying as such when I hadn’t been with any women (or anyone at that point — at least in any real way). It didn’t feel necessary to proclaim to the world just yet, but there was a solace in finally seeing myself as I am.

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A few months later, I’d meet my current partner, a cisgender man, and the label started to become more complicated. I wasn’t sure I had any right to consider myself bisexual if I’d never been with any women, and really, it wasn’t something I had to think about all that often, being in a straight-presenting relationship. I continued to experience attraction to women (within the bounds of a monogamous relationship), but it didn’t feel all that important to me to define.

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When I started my teaching job, I put a pride flag up in my room. I knew seeing it would matter to some kids, and I wanted my classroom to be an inclusive space. That snowballed into me starting the school’s GSA because I was apparently the only teacher in the building who had shown any open support for the LGBTQ+ community and willingness to sign a name to it. I’m not open about my bisexuality to my students or coworkers, however, because it simply doesn’t feel relevant1; and again, there was a guilt in being in a straight-passing relationship: I didn’t need to tell anyone how I identified because I could hide under the guise of heterosexuality.

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I’ve never had to be out or open because I haven’t been in a relationship that requires it. I told a friend that I considered myself bisexual recently and shared some of the asterisks on that identity that I’ve described here, adding that I really don’t know what coming out looks like anymore in 20232. But then, being around friends that I know know and being open about that part of my identity gives me that same comfort I felt in that textbook all those years ago.

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So returning back to the word itself and whether it is or isn’t inclusive: for me, there’s a long history with the word bisexual that I can’t erase. There’s an attachment that I can’t discount. I experience different attraction to different genders, which doesn’t seem to gel with pansexuality to me. And perhaps the label shares somethings in common with the word biweekly; confusing, unclear, and in need of further explanation.

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Consider this my explanation: it’s about what it means to me, the spirit of the word if not the technical meaning.

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    It’s not relevant to me outside of the club, I should say; I will tell the kids within the club because we have an established “Vegas rule.” Outside of that, it feels like personal, private business that isn’t relevant to my teaching. As I’ve said to coworkers who know, “the kids don’t need to know who I’m fucking on the weekends.” ↩︎

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    The conversation happened a few months ago. ↩︎

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+ src: url("/fonts/DomaineTextRegular.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: normal; + font-style: normal; +} + +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Text"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineTextRegularItalic.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: normal; + font-style: italic; +} + +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Text"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineTextBold.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: bold; + font-style: normal; +} + +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Text"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineTextBoldItalic.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic; +} + +/* Barcode */ +/* libre-barcode-128-text-regular - latin */ +@font-face { + font-display: swap; + font-family: 'Libre Barcode'; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: 400; + src: url('/fonts/LibreBarcode.woff2') format('woff2'); + } + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/public/css/fonts.min.a821e68a1b4a65ac46a906c1dd114d374075c2ecad31f7cc8e5d90d4b41a28a1.css b/public/css/fonts.min.a821e68a1b4a65ac46a906c1dd114d374075c2ecad31f7cc8e5d90d4b41a28a1.css new file mode 100644 index 0000000..be25e05 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/css/fonts.min.a821e68a1b4a65ac46a906c1dd114d374075c2ecad31f7cc8e5d90d4b41a28a1.css @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +@font-face{font-family:domaine display;src:url(/fonts/DomaineDisplayBlack.woff2)format("woff2");font-weight:900;font-style:normal}@font-face{font-family:domaine display;src:url(/fonts/DomaineDisplayRegular.woff2)format("woff2");font-weight:400;font-style:normal}@font-face{font-family:domaine display;src:url(/fonts/DomaineDisplayRegularItalic.woff2)format("woff2");font-weight:400;font-style:italic}@font-face{font-family:domaine display;src:url(/fonts/DomaineDisplayBold.woff2)format("woff2");font-weight:700;font-style:normal}@font-face{font-family:domaine display;src:url(/fonts/DomaineDisplayBoldItalic.woff2)format("woff2");font-weight:700;font-style:italic}@font-face{font-family:domaine text;src:url(/fonts/DomaineTextRegular.woff2)format("woff2");font-weight:400;font-style:normal}@font-face{font-family:domaine text;src:url(/fonts/DomaineTextRegularItalic.woff2)format("woff2");font-weight:400;font-style:italic}@font-face{font-family:domaine text;src:url(/fonts/DomaineTextBold.woff2)format("woff2");font-weight:700;font-style:normal}@font-face{font-family:domaine text;src:url(/fonts/DomaineTextBoldItalic.woff2)format("woff2");font-weight:700;font-style:italic}@font-face{font-display:swap;font-family:libre barcode;font-style:normal;font-weight:400;src:url(/fonts/LibreBarcode.woff2)format('woff2')} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/public/css/main.css b/public/css/main.css new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e394ee --- /dev/null +++ b/public/css/main.css @@ -0,0 +1,430 @@ +/* variables - color scheme https://coolors.co/772334-1291a9-231f20-f4f4f4-bfd53e */ +:root { + --text: #231f20; + --background: #f4f4f4; + --background-shade: #e8e8e8; + --blue: #1291A9; + --claret: #0e4e60; +} + +@media (prefers-color-scheme: dark) { + :root { + --text: #f4f4f4; + --background: #231f20; + --background-shade: #1f1b1c; + --blue: #1bbbdb; + --claret: #5da8bb; + } +} + +/* basics */ +body { + background-color: var(--background); + color: var(--text); + font-family: 'Domaine Text', serif; + line-height: 1.5; + max-width: 800px; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + padding: 5%; +} + +a { + color: var(--blue); + text-decoration: none; + border-bottom: thin dotted var(--blue); +} + +sup { + vertical-align: top; + + a { + border: none; + } +} + +/* header */ +header { + display: flex; + justify-content: space-between; + align-items: baseline; +} + +header h1 { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-style: italic; + font-weight: normal; + + a { + color: var(--text); + border: none; + } + + svg { + color: var(--blue); + width: 10px; + } +} + +nav ul { + list-style-type: none; + padding: 0; + + li { + display: inline-block; + } + + a { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: 900; + text-transform: uppercase; + } + + li:not(:last-child) { + margin-right: 15px; + } +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + header { + display: block; + text-align: center; + } +} + +/* home, page, section - common */ +.home time::after, .page time::after, .section time::after { + content: ' '; + background: var(--text); + width: 150px; + height: 1px; + display: block; + margin: 2% auto 0 auto; +} + +.home article h2, .page h1, .section article h2 { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: 900; + text-transform: uppercase; + font-size: 3rem; + text-align: center; + margin: 2% 0; + line-height: 1.2; + word-spacing: .3rem; +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .home article h2, .page h1, .section article h2 { + font-size: 2rem; + } +} + +.home article time, .page time, .section article time { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: normal; + font-style: italic; + font-size: 1.75rem; + display: block; + text-align: center; +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .home article time, .page time, .section article time { + font-size: 1.25rem; + } +} + +.home .barcode, .page .barcode, .section .barcode { + font-family: 'Libre Barcode', sans-serif; + font-size: 2rem; + text-align: center; + -webkit-touch-callout: none; + -webkit-user-select: none; + -khtml-user-select: none; + -moz-user-select: none; + -ms-user-select: none; + user-select: none; +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .home .barcode, .page .barcode, .section .barcode { + font-size: 1rem; + } +} + +.tags ul { + list-style-type: none; + padding: 0; + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: 900; + text-transform: uppercase; + display: flex; + justify-content: center; + + li { + display: flex; + + svg { + margin-right: 5px; + margin-left: 5px; + } + + a { + text-decoration: none; + border-bottom: medium dotted var(--blue); + } + } + + li:not(:last-child):after { + content: ''; + margin-right: 10px; + } +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .tags ul { + display: block; + } + + .tags ul li { + justify-content: center; + } +} + +.home article { + border-top: 1px dotted var(--text); + padding: 7.5% 0; +} + +.home article:first-of-type { + border: none; +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .home blockquote, .section blockquote { + margin: 0; + } +} + +/* home */ +.home article h2 a { + text-decoration: none; + border: none; + color: var(--text); +} + +.home .all { + text-align: center; + + a { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: 900; + text-transform: uppercase; + font-size: 1.75rem; + } + + svg { + margin-left: 10px; + } +} + +/* page */ +.page article { + padding-top: 7.5% +} + +.page article p, .page article ul { + font-size: 1.25rem; +} + +.page article li { + margin-bottom: 10px; +} + +.page article li::marker { + color: var(--blue); +} + +.page article blockquote { + margin: 0; 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+ padding: 7.5% 0 0 0; + display: flex; + justify-content: center; + gap: 40px; + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + text-align: center; + text-transform: uppercase; + font-size: 1.25rem; + } + + @media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .pagination { + gap: 20px; + } + } + + + .pagination__item a { + border: none; + } + + .pagination__item--current a { + font-weight: 900; + color: var(--text); + } + + .pagination__item svg { + width: 18px; + } + +/* tag page */ +.term h1 { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: 900; + text-align: center; + text-transform: uppercase; + color: var(--claret); + margin: 0; + padding-top: 7.5% +} + +.term article { + display: flex; + justify-content: space-between; + align-items: center; + border-bottom: 1px dotted var(--text); + padding: 2.5% 0; + + h2 { + margin: 0; + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + text-transform: uppercase; + font-size: 1.5rem; + width: 80%; + + a { + color: var(--text); + border: none; 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cassie.ink

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dad

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My father left when I was six and never stopped leaving. At school events, scheduled visits, personal lows, I scanned the crowd for his face and didn’t find it. I grew used to his absence and started to resent the appearances he made; when he did show up, I’d wish he hadn’t. At my college graduation, he parted with the gift, “I’m glad you’re not a fuck up like me,” turning my achievements into his own deluded, narcissistic pursuit of sympathy. He at least — and unwittingly — stumbled upon a truth: I succeeded despite his example and influence. Never because of it.

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Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.

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+ + cassie + + ink + +

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Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound

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I downloaded Pokémon: Unbound the other day to play alongside my partner. We are both big Pokémon fans — like buy the new games every year fans — though my interest has waned over the last few years (I loved Legends Arceus and generally felt that Scarlet/Violet were slaps in the face1). I have fond memories of the classic games, and I’ve read a lot of positive buzz about Unbound.

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I’m fairly certain that this is the first proper ROM hack I’ve played, not counting a few randomizers that I’ve cooked up for fun (and, for the most part, played for an afternoon or two and abandoned). Unbound is incredibly feature-rich and ambitious; it adds a great deal of quality of life options as well as formidable challenge options for the hardcore2. I fall into the category of a more casual fan, so I was pleased to see things like effectiveness and STAB indicators hacked into the Fire Red/Leaf Green engine. Unbound also introduces a mission log and proper side quests; what I saw did not innovate much beyond fetch quests and “do this thing x amount of times then come back,” but some had short but charming stories to follow (like the Sandslash stealing food from a local family).

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Unbound also has an original story that consumes a considerable amount of the player’s time. There’s a (for a Pokémon game) lengthy introduction cutscene that tells of the history of the region, and the player is introduced to a rogue organization that is aiming to capture the legendary birds to activate some doomsday device that will engulf the region in darkness. For Pokémon, the broad strokes aren’t far off from something like X/Y’s story — evil guy wants to destroy the world for some reason and you must stop them. I found the story mostly beneath notice, unfortunately; the game introduced a bunch of characters early on, and it is hard to care much about them when you have so many. In the opening hours of the game, for example, you meet your rival and Professor Log. Your rival is pretty standard Pokémon faire: brash and driven and uninterested in listening to the Professor’s advice, unlike the silent protagonist. Professor Log sends you off on various errands, one of which is to check in with his friend Arthur in the next town over, an expert on the history of the region; Arthur then introduces you to Jax, yet another young and ambitious trainer; and that’s not counting all of the villains and various gangs you meet in the introductory hours. I have some faith that Unbound has unique plans for these characters in the narrative, but the balance between clicking through story and actually engaging in the exploring and battling feels skewed: Unbound is dragged down by the weight of its ambition to be a Pokémon game with a story.

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Feeling therefore disengaged by the story, what was left for me was the rote Pokémon experience: build and train a team to take on the gyms and various Team Rocket-like factions. I was pleased by the variety of Pokémon available to the player: Unbound includes all Pokémon from Gens 1-7. I have a big blind spot for Gens 4 and 53, and the modern games have done little to introduce me to those Pokémon, opting instead to mostly focus on a new set of creatures for their respective regions.4 The Pokémon available to me in Unbound therefore felt fresh, and the game encouraged me to try out Pokémon that I ordinarily probably wouldn’t consider for my team. Each route and area also boasts a considerable number of Pokémon available to the player: it’s far from the usual experience in Pokémon, where you’re offered mostly Pidgey- and Rattata-likes in the early routes that you battle dozens of times. There are diverse options that feel like deep cuts turned viable team members. As someone who likes to sweep a route and catch (or at least see) all of the available Pokémon, it was a little overwhelming to have ten to twenty different ones in a relatively small area, but variety is good! I also appreciated that the trainers in each area seemed to mostly have Pokémon that were available to catch in that area. It felt authentic: of course the teams of those folks would have mostly been caught and assembled from the local fauna.

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Despite this, my interest in continuing with Unbound has waned. I don’t think it’s solely a fault of the game, however: it does a lot of interesting things, and I admire the work and ambition of the team behind it. I’m just not sure how much energy I personally have for the Pokémon formula. Unbound adds its own seasoning into the mix, but it doesn’t innovate — and that’s my frustration with GameFreak’s Pokémon releases too. Every game feels like going through the same motions again and again, and I think I’ve just lost my enthusiasm for that.5 Every now and then I’m in the right mood for it (and that mood at best lasts a few days) or something feels fresh and clicks, but Unbound — and really any recent mainline Pokémon game — so rarely fulfills that. I don’t know how much further I’ll continue on with Unbound — I only made it a little ways beyond the first gym, which doesn’t feel quite like giving the game its fair shake, but I also am trying to release myself from the sense of obligation to soldier on with something that isn’t grabbing me. There’s a line there of not always expecting immediate gratification and showing some patience, but if after a few hours I don’t feel the magic, it is increasingly hard to dedicate my limited time for gaming to something that isn’t clicking when there’s so much more out there.6

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I’m fairly certain that this is the first proper ROM hack I’ve played, not counting a few randomizers that I’ve cooked up for fun (and, for the most part, played for an afternoon or two and abandoned). Unbound is incredibly feature-rich and ambitious; it adds a great deal of quality of life options as well as formidable challenge options for the hardcore2. I fall into the category of a more casual fan, so I was pleased to see things like effectiveness and STAB indicators hacked into the Fire Red/Leaf Green engine. Unbound also introduces a mission log and proper side quests; what I saw did not innovate much beyond fetch quests and “do this thing x amount of times then come back,” but some had short but charming stories to follow (like the Sandslash stealing food from a local family).

+

Unbound also has an original story that consumes a considerable amount of the player’s time. There’s a (for a Pokémon game) lengthy introduction cutscene that tells of the history of the region, and the player is introduced to a rogue organization that is aiming to capture the legendary birds to activate some doomsday device that will engulf the region in darkness. For Pokémon, the broad strokes aren’t far off from something like X/Y’s story — evil guy wants to destroy the world for some reason and you must stop them. I found the story mostly beneath notice, unfortunately; the game introduced a bunch of characters early on, and it is hard to care much about them when you have so many. In the opening hours of the game, for example, you meet your rival and Professor Log. Your rival is pretty standard Pokémon faire: brash and driven and uninterested in listening to the Professor’s advice, unlike the silent protagonist. Professor Log sends you off on various errands, one of which is to check in with his friend Arthur in the next town over, an expert on the history of the region; Arthur then introduces you to Jax, yet another young and ambitious trainer; and that’s not counting all of the villains and various gangs you meet in the introductory hours. I have some faith that Unbound has unique plans for these characters in the narrative, but the balance between clicking through story and actually engaging in the exploring and battling feels skewed: Unbound is dragged down by the weight of its ambition to be a Pokémon game with a story.

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Feeling therefore disengaged by the story, what was left for me was the rote Pokémon experience: build and train a team to take on the gyms and various Team Rocket-like factions. I was pleased by the variety of Pokémon available to the player: Unbound includes all Pokémon from Gens 1-7. I have a big blind spot for Gens 4 and 53, and the modern games have done little to introduce me to those Pokémon, opting instead to mostly focus on a new set of creatures for their respective regions.4 The Pokémon available to me in Unbound therefore felt fresh, and the game encouraged me to try out Pokémon that I ordinarily probably wouldn’t consider for my team. Each route and area also boasts a considerable number of Pokémon available to the player: it’s far from the usual experience in Pokémon, where you’re offered mostly Pidgey- and Rattata-likes in the early routes that you battle dozens of times. There are diverse options that feel like deep cuts turned viable team members. As someone who likes to sweep a route and catch (or at least see) all of the available Pokémon, it was a little overwhelming to have ten to twenty different ones in a relatively small area, but variety is good! I also appreciated that the trainers in each area seemed to mostly have Pokémon that were available to catch in that area. It felt authentic: of course the teams of those folks would have mostly been caught and assembled from the local fauna.

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Despite this, my interest in continuing with Unbound has waned. I don’t think it’s solely a fault of the game, however: it does a lot of interesting things, and I admire the work and ambition of the team behind it. I’m just not sure how much energy I personally have for the Pokémon formula. Unbound adds its own seasoning into the mix, but it doesn’t innovate — and that’s my frustration with GameFreak’s Pokémon releases too. Every game feels like going through the same motions again and again, and I think I’ve just lost my enthusiasm for that.5 Every now and then I’m in the right mood for it (and that mood at best lasts a few days) or something feels fresh and clicks, but Unbound — and really any recent mainline Pokémon game — so rarely fulfills that. I don’t know how much further I’ll continue on with Unbound — I only made it a little ways beyond the first gym, which doesn’t feel quite like giving the game its fair shake, but I also am trying to release myself from the sense of obligation to soldier on with something that isn’t grabbing me. There’s a line there of not always expecting immediate gratification and showing some patience, but if after a few hours I don’t feel the magic, it is increasingly hard to dedicate my limited time for gaming to something that isn’t clicking when there’s so much more out there.6

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    Without getting too deep into it, I think S/V do a lot of really cool things. I enjoy the design of the game and the way it breaks up the conventional Pokémon format, but the absolute mess that the games were on a technical level felt insulting. I know that making games isn’t easy and that there’s a lot of unhealthy workplace practices that go into this — something something capitalism is the real enemy — but the fact that the games still have not received a meaningful performance patch while DLC is shoveled out reeks of the worst gaming industry bullshit I can imagine. ↩︎ ↩︎

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    GameFreak could learn a thing or two: I generally feel that Pokémon’s primary audience is and always will be children, so the entitled contingent of hardcore fanboys who want EV/IV training to be necessary and baked into the Pokémon experience are full of shit. However, some simple difficulty toggles (or at least settings for Exp. Share) would go a long way. I don’t think gaming companies should kowtow to toxicity, but robust difficulty and accessibility settings benefit everyone. ↩︎ ↩︎

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    I played a ton of Gen 2 as a kid, a fair amount of Gen 1 (mostly through Fire Red), and a lot of Gen 3. I didn’t have a DS for a long time, so Gens 4 and 5 passed me by; my partner got me back in with Gen 6. ↩︎ ↩︎

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    I don’t mean this as a bad thing! I like seeing the new Pokémon introduced each gen, but there’s a swath of totally underutilized Pokémon out there because for years each gen felt it necessary to introduce 100+ new creatures. ↩︎ ↩︎

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    Scarlet and Violet meaningful progress, but see Footnote 1. ↩︎ ↩︎

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    ByI downloaded Pokémon: Unbound the other day to play alongside my partner. We are both big Pokémon fans — like buy the new games every year fans — though my interest has waned over the last few years (I loved Legends Arceus and generally felt that Scarlet/Violet were slaps in the face1). I have fond memories of the classic games, and I’ve read a lot of positive buzz about Unbound. ↩︎ ↩︎

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+ + + diff --git a/public/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/index.html b/public/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6aa6d1c --- /dev/null +++ b/public/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,151 @@ + + + + + +LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory

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+ emily-dickinson-queer-theory +
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The lives of many literary greats remain a relative mystery; literary critics and historians are often left to piece together details from letters, documentation, and, sometimes controversially, the author’s work read for repeated motifs. They then draw what conclusions they can about the authors’ lives. One of the most prolific female poets in the English literary canon, Emily Dickinson’s life is preserved in letters and artifacts from her life. When examined as a body of work, Dickinson’s poetry reveals a pattern of focus on women’s interior lives and relationships that may be regarded as queer, especially with the added dimension of her close relationship with her sister-in-law. This essay examines a selection of her poems through a queer lens, highlighting the poems’ relationships to female love and Dickinson’s life and arguing against established patterns of erasing Dickinson’s queer identity.

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Critical representation of Dickinson paints her an immensely private, reclusive individual. Known in her Massachusetts home of Amherst as “the Myth,” Dickinson “lived a nun-like existence, wearing only white, seeing no one but her sister, writing poems that almost no one saw” (Nicholson). This suggests that the aforementioned canonical portrait of Dickinson is mostly accurate, but though she saw few in person, she had a rich inner existence, expressed in her many poems and letters. Indeed, both her poems and letters were directed to her “most trusted literary audience,” Sue Dickinson (née Gilbert) (Nell Smith 56). Dickinson shared “about 250 poems” with Gilbert, “by far the largest number” compared to Dickinson’s other family members and acquaintances (Franklin 3). While the particulars of their relationship are lost to time, Dickinson and Gilbert unarguably shared an intimate connection; many of Dickinson’s poems are directed, either explicitly or implicitly, to Gilbert. Despite this, “until recently most literary critics have refused to acknowledge her love for other women,” instead continuing to prop up the image of the maidenly recluse (Faderman 43). Twentieth century critics, acknowledging the romantic and erotic contents of Dickinson’s poems, embarked on a “quest for the identity of this ‘reclusive spinster’s’ elusive (male) love,” though evidence shows “no significant heterosexual involvements until [Dickinson] was well into middle age” (Faderman 43). More recent literary criticism examines Dickinson’s poetry through a queer lens, but there is a long history of criticism going to “great lengths to explain away the content of same-sex love in her poems” (Faderman 45).

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Suggestions of intimate female relationships are easy to identify within Dickinson’s vast collection of poems. In “Ourselves were wed one summer - dear,” Dickinson laments the end of a close relationship. The cause of separation is left obscure: Dickinson writes that “Our Futures different lay,” indicating that their lives lead them down diverging pathways, but also writes that the speaker’s object’s “little Lifetime failed” (Dickinson 9, 3). This adds a characteristically grim undercurrent to the poem, and may either be a physical or metaphorical death. The intimacy of the relationship is nonetheless underscored as Dickinson writes that she “wearied - too - of mine” after her object’s life ended (Dickinson 4). Dickinson therefore expresses that her life lacks meaning or value without her beloved. In the poem’s final stanza, Dickinson affirms that the poem describes a relationship between two women, writing that “we were Queens” (Dickinson 15) – the speaker and her object are therefore definitively female.

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Interestingly, the “death” of the poem’s object seems to have occurred when she is “crowned in June” (Dickinson 16). Gilbert married Dickinson’s brother in July of 1856, the “crown[ing]” possibly referring to the couple’s engagement (Dickinson 16). Similarly, the “Bloom” of the object’s “Garden” may be the birth of Gilbert’s first child in 1861, the blooming of plant-life being a common metaphor for reproduction (Dickinson 13). It was upon this marriage that “the relationship between Sue and Emily became stormy… [and] Emily may have had a nervous breakdown,” a kind of metaphorical “Frost” in Dickinson’s life (Faderman 44; Dickinson 14).

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While this interpretation alone does not prove a lesbian relationship between Dickinson and Gilbert - only a close one - it upholds the existence of female relationships in Dickinson’s life and body of work. Other poems are far more explicit in their dedication to Gilbert, such as “You love me - you are sure,” which speaks to a “Dollie” (“You love me - you are sure” 6). An affectionate pet name, Dickinson referred to Gilbert as Dollie in her letters (Nell Smith 61). In the poem, Dickinson craves affirmation of Gilbert’s love, worrying that she will “wake - / Some grinning morn” to find the “Sunrise” (i.e. Gilbert) gone from her life (“You love me - you are sure” 3-5). In another poem, “To own a Susan of my own,” Dickinson writes that her love for Susan “is of itself a Bliss” and that she would “forfeit” anything to “Continue me in this,” that is, her relationship (“To own a Susan of my own” 3-4). Modern critics also point to distinct and repeated imagery in Dickson’s poetry, such as “jewels, gems, pearls, peas, berries, nuts, buds, crumbs, and beads,” which gloss as “clitoral… [and] demonstrate an awareness of lesbian sexuality” (Faderman 45). It is neither difficult nor reaching to read the “Pink and Pulpy multitude” and “Modesties enlarged” of “Our little Kinsmen - after Rain” as such given these patterns and autobiographical considerations (“Our little Kinsmen - after Rain” 3, 11).

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Whether or not this intimate bond between Dickinson and Gilbert materialized as physical is impossible to know (and immaterial to the thesis), especially considering that the letters “written by Sue [to Emily] were destroyed at Emily’s death” by Dickinson’s brother Austin (and Gilbert’s husband), presumably in an effort to conceal the parameters of their relationship and avoid public knowledge of his wife’s queerness (Faderman 44). Dicksinon writes in her letters to Gilbert of a desire to “nestle close to your warm heart” and to “carry me to you, and to bring you back to me, long enough to snatch one kiss” (Faderman 49). While these professions read as distinctively lesbian through a modern lens, they may simply be characteristic of the “sensual avowals of love” found in female relationships of the period (Smith-Rosenberg 168). These friendships existed along a “continuum or spectrum of affect gradations strongly affected by cultural norms and arrangements,” and they therefore defy modern classification (Smith-Rosenberg 180). It is similarly anachronistic and limiting for critics to “subdivide Dickinson’s love poetry into ‘homosexual’ and ‘heterosexual’ poems,” as it imposes a binary sexuality that did not exist during Dickinson’s time and which is opposed by modern queer theory (Henneberg 2). It is then perhaps most appropriate to label to sexuality, content, and eroticism in Dickinson’s body of work as queer (rather than ‘homosexual’ or ’lesbian’) in that it shifts the, at the time, historically androcentric narrative of poetry to focus instead on the relationships between women. This queerness manifests in Dickinson’s syntactical style as well, with her liberal use of hyphens and capitalization. She “break[s] traditional linguistic and poetic forms” to reclaim them from patriarchal domination, creating something subversive in its distinct focus upon the interior lives of women and paving the way for future queer and lesbian poets like Adrienne Rich (Jeffs).

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It is critical that the queer identities of canonical writers like Dickinson be discussed. Doing so affirms the long history of queer people, who existed before terms like “homosexual,” “bisexual,” or “lesbian.” It also adds dimension to the examination and interpretation of their work, elevating natural imagery and symbols in Dickinson’s work to indicative of her interior life, love, and relations. These considerations must be preserved in the same way that we preserve other artifacts from author’s lives; they offer readers a glimpse into their lives, values, and identities and help readers understand who they were and what they wrote about. These queer readings may, at times, seem to fly in the face of current literary discourse, but it is critical that we not allow these facts of author’s identifies to be erased; to do so would be a disservice to the author and to queer history.

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Works Cited

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Dickinson, Emily. “Our little Kinsmen - after +Rain.” 1865.

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—. “Ourselves were wed one summer - dear.” +1863.

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—. “To own a Susan of my own.” 1877.

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—. “You love me - you are sure.” 1861.

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Faderman, Lillian. “Emily Dickinson.” Chloe +Plus Olivia: An Anthology of Lesbian Literature from the Seventeenth Century to +the Present. New York: Penguin Group, 1994. 43-60. Print.

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Franklin, R.W. “Introduction.” The Poems +of Emily Dickinson. Harvard University Press, 2005. 1-11. Print.

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Henneberg, Sylvia. “Neither Lesbian nor Straight: +Multiple Eroticisms in Emily Dickinson’s Love Poetry.” The Emily +Dickinson Journal 4.2 (1995): 1-19.

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Jeffs, William Patrick. “Adrienne Rich: The Union +of Feminist, Gay, and Lesbian Theories.” Feminism, Manhood & +Homosexuality: Intersections in Psychoanalysis & American Poetry. Peter +Lang Publishing, Inc., 2003. 96-149.

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Nell Smith, Martha. “Susan and Emily Dickinson: +their lives, in letters.” Cambridge Companion to Emily Dickinson. +Ed. Wendy Martin. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2002. 51-73.

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Nicholson, William. A Quiet Passion won’t solve the +mystery of Emily Dickinson – but does the truth matter? 1 April 2017. Web. +8 December 2017. +https://www.theguardian.com/books/2017/apr/01/a-quiet-passion-wont-solve-the-mystery-of-emily-dickinson-but-does-the-truth-matter-.

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Smith-Rosenberg, Carroll. “The Female World of +Love and Ritual: Relations between Women in Nineteenth-Century America.” +n.d. 168-183.

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hate for the island

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I was born and raised on Long Island in a hamlet that rests along the Great South Bay.1 Known to most as a ferry town, this charming suburb lives and breathes the ocean. Most every resident has access to some kind of boat, whether through personal ownership or advantageous friendship. In the 90s, the town was voted the “friendliest town in America,” a slogan that still adorns the sign as you drive into town, by a mysterious group that awards such superlatives. That accolade, along with our yacht clubs, country clubs, lack of racial diversity, and generalized fear of anything outside the norm makes the town the near picture of 1950s suburban ideal.

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In high school, the boys play football and the girls cheer them on; they graduate, marry, inherit the estate of their landed parents (who go on to relocate to the Hamptons or some other rich, desirable location), and have children of their own, thus completing their cyclical destiny. They do not fight. They do not divorce. They do not struggle, financially. They avoid anything seen as even slightly improper, for fear of damaging their social standing. And should the rebellious teenager stray out of line, their indiscretions quickly disappear, through privilege and influence and money. These people live happily trapped in their ticky-tacky homes and in their ticky-tacky lives.

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I have always felt at odds with that world. In high school, for an English class free-write, I composed an essay likening the residents of the town with vampires whose venom sucked anything interesting or genuine from a person. I did not fit within the grand picture of conformity and normalcy. I wanted to break out, to rip at its edges.

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But the town’s carefully honed image was in flux; insularity was at threat. Manhattan was constantly encroaching, bringing along its noise, its commercialism. Drive just five minutes out of town and you are bombarded by retail, restaurants, parking lots lit by high power LEDs akin to those found in football stadiums. Roads have become highways and highways freeways; drivers race along them, always in a rush to their mysterious destinations, from early in the morning to late at night. For only so much longer can this little marina hold; the tide will soon fall and urbanization will cast anchor. What reminds of small-town ways of life will soon wash away.

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I moved away seven years ago and at last found some peace. I could see the stars. I could breathe air free from the ocean’s salt, air that did not stifle or oppress. I could establish a new life without the weight and pain and baggage, without feeling like an outsider. I can grow. I can expand. I can sow my roots into a soil of possibility. I can carve out a world of my own, in which at last I feel I fit. And that feels like home.

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  1. +

    This piece was written in early 2017 for a composition class; specifically, one that started with geobiography writing, a call to consider the places we’ve lived and the places that have made us who we are. At the time, I had just moved out of my hometown and to where I still live today (I modified some of the wording here to reflect today). This is a little more bitter than I try to be today, but I think it still captures some of my feelings around home. ↩︎

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an ode to gitsync

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Since I moved this site to Hugo, I’ve been using an app called GitJournal to post from my phone. I have a beautiful desk setup with a clacky mechanical keyboard that’s a joy to write on, but the simple fact is that I’m a lazy shit and want to update my blog from the couch. It’s all mostly worked fine, with some headaches. I originally intended to use GitJournal to store my Github repo to my phone’s filesystem and then point an Obsidian1 vault at that.

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Reflections on elections

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2016 was the first year I was eligible to vote in a presidential election. I was away at college, so I completed an absentee ballot, and, like most, felt confident in what I thought would be the result. I was no big fan of Clinton’s — I voted for Bernie in the primaries — but the other option was laughable: I couldn’t believe that a major political party put such a clown up as their candidate, and I thought the electorate was smart enough to see him for the fraud (and fascist) he was.

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Automattic's Write Brief is, unsurprisingly, full of shit

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Automattic recently launched their Write Brief AI assistant for folks using Jetpack with WordPress.1 It is automatically available to anyone using wordpress.com, which I verified by logging into my 14-year-old account.

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I decided to test it out on my recent post about The Basic Eight. I chose this because it’s one of my more recent posts that isn’t #week-notes . I pasted it directly into the Gutenberg editor with all of the AI settings toggled on.

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what's this? (and how it works)

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Welcome to esotericbullshit.net, the new home of my blog and web stuff.

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Previously, this blog was hosted at bearblog under the domain cassie.land. Now, I’m using the SSG Hugo to create the site, which deploys to Github Pages for hosting.

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So why the move? I love bearblog and recommend it to just about anyone who wants to get into blogging and the small web — it’s dead simple for folks with no web expertise, it has an awesome community, and the discover page allows you to share your content and connect with folks also using the platform. Unfortunately, I am, at heart, a tinkerer — bearblog felt a little too easy, and a little limiting for some of the visions I have. And, ultimately, I just want to own my content and embrace new technologies and challenges.

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I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it

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Spoilers to follow.

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I wrote in my week notes:

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The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler. Handler’s Adverbs is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved Watch Your Mouth, too. I need light reprieves from The Odyssey, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler’s bibliography. I’m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It’s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler’s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.

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+ +
+ + + diff --git a/public/index.xml b/public/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..56cef98 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,362 @@ + + + + cassie.ink + https://example.org/ + Recent content on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Sun, 23 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + + + listen to my story (week notes 024) + https://example.org/week-notes/024/ + Sun, 23 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/024/ + <p>I&rsquo;ve missed a few weeks, so consider this my catch up post before starting my week notes up again&hellip;</p> + + + dancing around the subject 'til my legs hurt (week notes 23) + https://example.org/week-notes/023/ + Sun, 02 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/023/ + finishing Euphoria instead of reading classic literature + + + I need love, can you get to me now? (week notes 022) + https://example.org/week-notes/022/ + Sun, 26 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/022/ + I bought a space heater so I can feel like I am in hell where I belong + + + she knows I love my cereal (week notes 21) + https://example.org/week-notes/021/ + Sun, 19 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/021/ + <p>I recently discovered some weirdness with my hard drives in my PC. It&rsquo;s a long story that isn&rsquo;t worth telling, but the end of it is that I bought an NVMe drive and am starting fresh with a clean install of Windows. It&rsquo;s fairly painless now that I have a drive that&rsquo;s <em>just</em> my files with a separate OS drive. I do have to reinstall and set up some apps again, but it has been a good opportunity to reassess the cruft I&rsquo;ve let build up on there over the years.</p> + + + hold on tight to this time, this place (week notes 020) + https://example.org/week-notes/020/ + Sat, 11 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/020/ + <p>I had a friend over one evening for pizza and card games — mostly Fan Tan and Blackjack, which are almost the only card games I like. My volleyball rec league started up again this week; I haven&rsquo;t made time for physical exercise lately, and volleyball is a good commitment. I&rsquo;d like to start running again soon too, but I&rsquo;m nursing a minor foot injury that I&rsquo;d like to see cleared up before I put too much stress on it. Thursday was the school spelling bee, which is both fun and heart-wrenching to watch.</p> + + + stop thinking a phone call or text is too complicated (week notes 019) + https://example.org/week-notes/019/ + Sat, 04 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/019/ + <p>I&rsquo;m still reading <strong><em>Pride &amp; Prejudice</em></strong>, but with the hubbub of the holidays, I haven&rsquo;t made much progress. I&rsquo;m excited about the next books in my pile, though, so I am determined to finish soon.</p> <p>I&rsquo;ve burned through several seasons of <strong><em>Girls</em></strong> since my last week notes. I&rsquo;m in the last season now, and my opinions have started to solidify. I think if I&rsquo;d watched the show at the time of airing, I&rsquo;d have found Lena et al. insufferably pretentious. Old age has softened me; instead I find it a charming (though still deeply problematic and limited in the perspectives it represents) contra point. TV was and is rife with the male perspective, shows at which many of the same critiques could be levied (<em>Seinfeld</em>, <em>Always Sunny</em>, etc.). I think <em>Girls</em> attracts the ire it does partly due to its creator&rsquo;s frequent gaffes and problematic statements but also because it challenges the status quo simply by its existence and its featuring complex women who are hard to like. I don&rsquo;t think there was a cultural crisis of any kind over the characters in shows like <em>Always Sunny</em> being unlikeable — it&rsquo;s clear that they&rsquo;re meant to be. <em>Girls</em> is the same, but our culture has far more trouble swallowing unlikeable women. I also think that, while the show has its ups and downs and some storylines that don&rsquo;t work, it is pretty consistent in quality — something I don&rsquo;t often say about shows that run for several seasons.</p> + + + using purell 'til my hands bleed and swell (week notes 18) + https://example.org/week-notes/018/ + Sun, 22 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/018/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <p>Unfortunately I haven&rsquo;t been able to exercise much; partly, this is because I haven&rsquo;t been making the time for it, but I also tweaked my right shoulder somehow and it&rsquo;s been quite painful to use in every day tasks. <em>Ring Fit</em> is therefore off the table. The trouble is that I genuinely don&rsquo;t know what I did to it! This week is my last before our holiday break, and I&rsquo;m hoping to get back on the horse over the course of my 16 (!!) days off.</p> + + + sleepyhead 'cause all the fucking foxes kept me awake last night (week notes 017) + https://example.org/week-notes/017/ + Sun, 15 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/017/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <p>I <strong>bought a new domain name</strong> — I&rsquo;m not going to post it just yet — but I&rsquo;m considering switching this site over to it. I love esotericbullshit, but I&rsquo;m not sure it&rsquo;s the energy I want to put out there. It makes the URL a little hard to share. But it also feels remarkably stupid when I <em>just</em> moved this over from another domain (which is incidentally quite similar to the new one&hellip;).<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p> + + + to find part of you still works is like a tiny victory (week notes 016) + https://example.org/week-notes/016/ + Sun, 08 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/016/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I went for a run with a good friend at an indoor track near me. The track itself is quite short, so the run is a little awkward, but it&rsquo;s a super soft flooring which made the run easy on my joints. It&rsquo;s nice to have a new run buddy, too!</li> <li>Saturday I felt angry and sick and exhausted all day; I&rsquo;d intended to go out and do holiday shopping but instead just rotted at home. I know I needed the rest, but seemingly everything put me in a bad mood. It&rsquo;s maybe just PMS — I haven&rsquo;t been good about tracking my cycle lately, though — or just the seasonal depression. It&rsquo;s shit no matter what it is.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><a href="https://lanadelrue.bearblog.dev/hometown-visit">Hometown Visit</a>. I love reading folks who blog about their loves. It&rsquo;s probably voyeuristic — I don&rsquo;t know that it reflects well on me — but it makes me wish I had the courage to do the same.</li> <li><strong>Sandra Cisneros, <em>Woman Hollering Creek</em>.</strong> I&rsquo;m waiting for <em>Villette</em> to come in, so I wanted something that would be easy to jump in and out of. This fits the bill; I love <em>Mango Street</em> dearly and this simply feels like more of it (albeit not following one character, but then, Cisneros&rsquo;s stories all seem to co-exist).</li> <li><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/owala-freesip-review/">25 Wirecutter Journalists Can’t Be Wrong: How Owala Became an Official Water Bottle Pick</a>. What a ridiculously self-important, self-absorbed article. I generally like and use Wirecutter; some of their recommendations are ridiculously decadent and detached from reality, but they are one of the few reliable online sources for product reviews and recommendations. I am all for an ode to something you love and that makes your life better, but this read not as &ldquo;we tested and compared a lot of products&rdquo; but more &ldquo;we all have good taste and have this water bottle so it must be good, right?&rdquo;</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9OhTB5eBqQ">Evermore: The Theme Park That Wasn&rsquo;t - YouTube</a> by Jenny Nicholson.</strong> I love Jenny&rsquo;s videos but hadn&rsquo;t watched this one yet; I dozed through portions but enjoyed it all the same.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pride &amp; Prejudice The Board Game</em></strong>. My brother gifted this to me years ago and I&rsquo;ve never found an opportunity to play it. A student of mine is listening to the audiobook of <em>P&amp;P</em> on my recommendation and I told her about the board game; I thought I should play it first myself, so I convinced Joe to play with me.</li> <li><strong><em>Fabledom</em></strong>. This has been in my Steam wishlist for ages, and I wanted a cozy game to try to quell my Saturday mood. It&rsquo;s OK. I enjoyed the time I put into it, but I don&rsquo;t think I will go back to it. City builders tend to entertain me for a few hours, but then I reach the later points of the game (or it becomes a chore to manage everything) and get bored.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <p>I&rsquo;ve had three songs in rotation this week: &ldquo;Clown Blood/Orpheus&rsquo; Bobbing Head&rdquo; by Los Campesinos!, &ldquo;up&rdquo; by Pigthe, and &ldquo;You Good? (In Medias Res)&rdquo; by Proper.</p> + + + an ode to gitsync + https://example.org/an-ode-to-gitsync/ + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/an-ode-to-gitsync/ + <p>Since I <a href="https://esotericbullshit.net/what%27s-this-%28and-how-it-works%29/">moved this site to Hugo</a>, I&rsquo;ve been using an app called GitJournal to post from my phone. I have a beautiful desk setup with a clacky mechanical keyboard that&rsquo;s a joy to write on, but the simple fact is that I&rsquo;m a lazy shit and want to update my blog from the couch. It&rsquo;s all mostly worked fine, with some headaches. I originally intended to use GitJournal to store my Github repo to my phone&rsquo;s filesystem and then point an Obsidian<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> vault at that.</p> + + + my voice moved hades so he extinguished the fire (week notes 015) + https://example.org/week-notes/015/ + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/015/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I ran a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. My time was not good (40:38), but there was wet, heavy snow coming down, so I was mostly focused on not eating shit. I think mid-November might be my 5K cutoff. We otherwise stayed home for the holiday and spent some much needed time relaxing together.</li> <li>With the holiday season upon us, this is usually around the time that I take a big trip out to a nearby mall to get gifts for everyone. I want to commit this year to shopping mostly (entirely?) from local small businesses or buying handmade and secondhand goods. I&rsquo;m happy to live in a town with a great Main Street, and I want to stop dumping my money into corporations. <ul> <li>I did order a bunch of rechargeable batteries from Amazon for Black Friday, but that was the extent of my shopping.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I miss podcasting again. I&rsquo;ve run a few podcasts over the years, which all petered out for various reasons, but I&rsquo;m feeling the itch again. I don&rsquo;t know what I&rsquo;d podcast about, though, which runs contrary to popular logic: you should have something to say, not just the desire to say things. I love audio production and the sound of my own voice, though. <ul> <li>Maybe I record audio versions of my blog posts and turn that into a podcast? I want to write more, after all. I don&rsquo;t think my week notes would be conducive to an audio format, but maybe my longer form writing (what little of it exists).</li> </ul> </li> <li>I bought a camera (Panasonic Lumix G7) on a bit of a whim. I film a lot of videos for my school, so I guess there&rsquo;s professional utility in using something other than my phone, but I also want to get better about taking pictures to preserve memories.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li>On Saturday, I felt sick and rotted on the couch and watched YouTube junkfood: mostly <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@outsidexbox">outsidexbox</a>&rsquo;s seven things videos and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@MachoNachoProductions">Macho Nacho</a> console mod videos. <ul> <li>I don&rsquo;t mod consoles. I like to tinker with electronics, but I&rsquo;ve never soldered anything. Somehow, however, I find myself watching a lot of these sorts of videos. I think I admire the production value and Tito&rsquo;s calm, measured approach.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I&rsquo;m about done with <strong><em>Daria</em></strong>, but I haven&rsquo;t watched the movies yet.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Into the Wild</em> by John Krakauer.</strong> As a kid, the film adaptation was on frequent rotation in my house; my mom often fixated on one movie and watched it over and over, and she was a big fan of the soundtrack as well. I&rsquo;ve always wanted to read the book since, and I&rsquo;m trying again to commit to reading more now that the start of school year frenzy has died down for me. I&rsquo;m enjoying following McCandless&rsquo;s story and don&rsquo;t think Krakauer too effusive (though his biases are clear), but some of the tangents feel extraneous. <ul> <li><strong>Finished on November 28.</strong> A humanizing and sympathetic account of a controversial figure. A few meandering chapters, but there are — in McCandless&rsquo;s case especially — wrong turns taken in pursuit of truth, meaning, and beauty.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I&rsquo;ve ordered Charlotte Brontë&rsquo;s <strong><em>Villette</em></strong> through my local bookstore as an upcoming read on the recommendation of a student&rsquo;s parent. I&rsquo;m also interested in getting my hands on <strong><em>The Dead Father</em></strong> by David Barthelme after reading an excerpt in <em>Into the Wild.</em></li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Satisfactory.</em></strong> Just a few months before the pandemic, while I was in grad school, I fell deeply in love with <em>Satisfactory</em> and attempted in vain to explain to my literary and well-rounded colleagues that I was spending my free time balancing my iron production pipelines and converting from biomass energy to coal. I dipped my toe in a few more times after my mania but resolved to wait until 1.0 as many of my production lines would need to be seriously re-tooled. Joe suggested we start a co-op save this week and I am back and thriving. <ul> <li>We did get into a brief, heated conflict over manifold (my preference) versus balanced production, an argument all couples experience at some point in their relationship, I&rsquo;m sure.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I played a little but more of <strong><em>Pokémon Crystal</em></strong>, but I&rsquo;m at a point where I have to grind out levels to take on the next gym, which I&rsquo;m supremely uninterested in doing. Maybe I&rsquo;ll just hack my save.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li>I downloaded the <em>Satisfactory</em> soundtrack and have had that on in the background — it&rsquo;s very good. Otherwise, I&rsquo;m mostly still listening to <strong>Rainbow Kitten Surprise</strong>.</li> </ul> + + + it's second nature to love you (week notes 014) + https://example.org/week-notes/014/ + Sun, 24 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/014/ + <p>first week notes in a while so some of this might not be strictly &ldquo;this week&rdquo;</p> <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I turned 30. I had a big party with lots of friends — and I feel grateful to have so many folks who want to celebrate with me, including some who drove substantial distances. I still have a bunch of mixed up feelings about crossing this threshold, but I&rsquo;m trying to remember the advice of a friend: it&rsquo;s a gift to grow older.</li> <li>This maybe belongs under a playing heading, but maybe not: I picked up <strong><em>Ring Fit Adventure</em></strong> for the first time since the pandemic. It&rsquo;s getting to be too cold out to run, so I need an alternate fitness option. My most reliable gym buddy moved away, so I&rsquo;m seeing if I can get <em>Ring Fit</em> to stick again. I am definitely in way better shape than when I was playing years ago; I would feel faint after 20-30 minutes in the game, but my first session was over 30 minutes and I felt fine (albeit sweaty) after. Turning 30 feels like an inflection point where I need to get serious about losing weight.</li> <li>I also went to the gym for the first time in months to run on the treadmill. With snow season upon us, I need to transition to indoor running. I like it quite a bit less, but I don&rsquo;t want to lose progress.</li> <li>We had our first big snow of the season on Friday, which meant a (much-needed) lazy snow day at home.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Daria</em>, season four.</strong> I started rewatching Daria around Halloween because I dressed as her for the holiday. I still love it and I still hate Tom.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzdTG0JyblU&amp;list=PLIAGhNc7IWXxCHc55BwOsuTgMrDM8smSU&amp;index=18&amp;pp=iAQB">Friends at the Table&rsquo;s <em>Fields of Mistria</em> streams.</a></strong> I&rsquo;m not a FatT fan — actual play podcasts do not appeal to me at all — but Joe is, and I otherwise like a lot of the personalities on the show. Ali is probably my favorite and Joe and I love farming games like <em>Mistria</em> a whole lot.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pokémon Crystal Legacy.</em></strong> I had a hankering of Gen 2 nostalgia hit me, so I&rsquo;ve been working my way through this ROM hack. I know a lot of my love for Gen 2 stems from it being my first Pokémon — and, indeed, one of the first <em>games</em> I really ever played — but I&rsquo;m happy to report that it&rsquo;s just as charming as I remember.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong>Rainbow Kitten Surprise, <em>RKS</em>.</strong> Listened on the recommendation of a friend; I was concerned initially because I really didn&rsquo;t like the first track (my words: &ldquo;Big garage vibes. Like shit you listen to while you work on your motorcycle&rdquo;), but after that hump, I really loved the album. My tops are &ldquo;Cold Love,&rdquo; &ldquo;Wasted,&rdquo; &ldquo;All&rsquo;s Well That Ends,&rdquo; and &ldquo;Lady Lie.&rdquo; &ldquo;Cold Love&rdquo; in particular has really hung around in my head.</li> </ul> + + + Reflections on elections + https://example.org/reflections-on-elections/ + Thu, 07 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/reflections-on-elections/ + <p>2016 was the first year I was eligible to vote in a presidential election. I was away at college, so I completed an absentee ballot, and, like most, felt confident in what I thought would be the result. I was no big fan of Clinton&rsquo;s — I voted for Bernie in the primaries — but the other option was laughable: I couldn&rsquo;t believe that a major political party put such a clown up as their candidate, and I thought the electorate was smart enough to see him for the fraud (and fascist) he was.</p> + + + spend my days running in circles (week notes 013) + https://example.org/week-notes/013/ + Sun, 20 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/013/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I presented to pre-service teachers at my alma mater with a colleague! Emotionally, I still feel like I was in their spot not that long ago — and then I remember I graduated over six years ago (and into a vastly different world and job market).</li> <li>I&rsquo;m finding myself using ellipses a lot and I do not like it. Is this growing old? Am I becoming a boomer?</li> <li>I&rsquo;m thinking about maintaining some kind of daily log — just simple, passing notes on what I did, what I thought about. Obsidian has this feature built in and it might be a good way to start. I like the idea of it being searchable and (theoretically) infinite in size, but I also want an excuse for another notebook. <ul> <li>I used to do daily reflections at the end of my work day. Slowly, those became every few days, then every week, then rarely. It was a good practice that I wish I had maintained, but there&rsquo;s already so much I&rsquo;m packing into my work day — and my goal in daily notes is to be more mindful about what I&rsquo;m doing and thinking in my free time.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I attended my state-wide English teacher conference; this is something like my sixth or seventh time attending and I still find it valuable. I left with a lot of great ideas on how to diversify my practice and better empower my students.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Percy Jackson and the Olympians.</em></strong> Joe and I have watched a few episodes. I liked the book fine, but the TV show has yet to grab me. It lacks Percy&rsquo;s narrative voice (and personality), and while it&rsquo;s good that Percy is played by an actual child, his pre-pubescent voice freaks me out.</li> <li><strong><em>Broad City</em></strong>. Joe and I watched a lot of <em>Broad City</em> early in our relationship, but we never finished it. We are starting it over from the beginning. Still funny!</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong>Charli XCX, <em>Brat and it&rsquo;s completely different but also still brat</em>.</strong> Every re-release and new drop for <em>brat</em> innovates, co-exists, and complements. The features on this remix album feel like an ode to the remarkable original release and a statement of how pivotal the album has been personally and for the industry writ large. This version of &ldquo;Everything is romantic&rdquo; is as much a remix as an iteration; the original captures a single moment in beautiful, mimetic detail, and this one is another artist following the theme and form with their own experiences. <em>brat</em> is undoubtedly a project we&rsquo;ll all be talking about when we discuss the music of the 2020s; I love witnessing its creation in real time. <ul> <li>For the haters, a friend of mine said the mixing was bad and that it &ldquo;just sounds like noise.&rdquo; I still like her (Charli and the friend, in that order<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>).</li> </ul> </li> <li><strong>Foxholes, <em>Foxholes</em>.</strong> I found &ldquo;Alligator&rdquo; while going through Daytrotter archives and loved it; the rest of the album is pleasant listening, but &ldquo;Alligator&rdquo; is the stand out.</li> <li><strong>Yung Lean, <em>Stardust</em>.</strong> I loved Yung Lean&rsquo;s feature on <em>Brat and it&rsquo;s completely different but also still brat</em>; imagine my surprise when I discovered that <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stgrSjynPKs&amp;pp=ygUJeXVuZyBsZWFu">the esoteric bullshit (or so I thought) I was listening to ten+ years ago as a joke but not really</a> went on to be a critically recognized artist. I thought it was just a weird fucking song. <ul> <li><em>Stardust</em> is a much more polished and, dare I say, coherent and digestible<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> product than &ldquo;Hurt&rdquo;; I like it, but I&rsquo;m not sure any of the songs will earn the coveted ⭐ on Plex.<sup id="fnref:3"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">3</a></sup> It&rsquo;s music I&rsquo;d have to be in a mood for — although the mumble-y nature of it makes it good background music while working. Maybe it just needs to sit with me a little more.</li> </ul> </li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>just kidding :-)&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + what would it mean for us if i fell off this slide? (week notes 012) + https://example.org/week-notes/012/ + Sun, 13 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/012/ + <p>I&rsquo;m doing a condensed post this week because I have been so busy with work!</p> <ul> <li> <p>Joe and I finished our rewatch of <strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em></strong>, and I&rsquo;m happy to say that I still love the show. It goes downhill in season six and is borderline unwatchable in season seven, but I have such affection for all before that — especially the warm blanket, cozy autumn early seasons.</p> </li> <li> <p>I&rsquo;m watching Joe play <strong><em>The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom</em></strong>.</p> + + + but let's talk about you for a minute (week notes 011) + https://example.org/week-notes/011/ + Sun, 06 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/011/ + <p>I&rsquo;m doing two weeks in one post. Last week I was dead sick and working too much so I didn&rsquo;t assemble a post throughout the week as I normally do.</p> <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I drove back to ___ for a funeral&hellip; and then back, all in one day. Eight hours on the road, but it was nice to spend some time together, singing and talking about heavy things.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> <li>I ran four miles in one go! Not without stopping and walking, and I&rsquo;m far from my best times, but I&rsquo;m trying to rebuild my endurance and speed after taking a long time off.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m trying to get back into skin care. I&rsquo;ve never had a thorough routine, but I&rsquo;ve been slacking even on the meager bit I do. I looked in the mirror and saw an old person looking back at me, so I&rsquo;ve been cleansing and moisturizing on a near-daily basis now.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating</em> by Elizabeth Tova Bailey.</strong> I&rsquo;m reading this on recommendation of a friend and coworker. The writing has a beautiful directness, but I&rsquo;m not exactly fascinated by (or at all interested in) snails. It is eye-opening to read something so scientific in approach that is still a work of literature, however; it leaves me to consider how our different disciplines — me as an English teacher and my coworker a Science teacher — change the way we think and look at the world.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://platinumtulip.bearblog.dev/a-ranking-of-imac-g3-colors/">a ranking of iMac G3 colors</a> by tulip.</strong></li> <li><strong><a href="https://thebirdhouse.bearblog.dev/field-notes-cured-my-twitter-addiction/">field notes cured my twitter addiction</a> on The Birdhouse.</strong> A lovely ode to a notebook.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em>, season six.</strong> Joe and I have reached about the end of the season. I think six has some good moments and episodes but is, on the whole, drudgery. Luke&rsquo;s character takes a bizarre turn, and I somehow have even less patience for Rory and Logan&rsquo;s relationship this time around.</li> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em>, cycle five.</strong> Passive rewatches while folding laundry; the actual modeling and photoshoots are a low for the UPN seasons, but the personalities make it an entertaining season.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I have played more of <strong><em>Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II</em></strong>, which is really him watching me play and selecting dialogue options with me. He really does not care for the combat; I don&rsquo;t love it either, but having played so much of this game and the first as a kid, I know my way around it much better. He doesn&rsquo;t seem to like any of the characters yet; on one hand, I get that, because I think the <em>KotOR II</em> characters are much more complex and harder to initially like than the first game&rsquo;s, but maybe the series just isn&rsquo;t for him&hellip; <ul> <li>We&rsquo;ve been playing as a female Exile, but Joe was interested in the Handmaiden, and I prefer her to the Disciple, so I decided to roll back a save and use the <a href="https://deadlystream.com/files/file/544-partyswap/">PartySwap mod</a>&hellip; until I realized that I have Steam Workshop mods mixed with the <a href="https://kotor.neocities.org/modding/mod_builds/k2/full">KotOR II Mod Build</a>.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> Apparently, because I used the Workshop 13 years ago when I last played this game, Steam decided I definitely wanted those installed again. Ugh. The solution was to start from the beginning with cheats that will let me zip through and get back to where we were. It took the better part of five hours to re-install all the mods and play back through Peragus and Telos.</li> <li>That all said, I really love this game. I love the way the narrative places you in a backstory rather than the &ldquo;blank slate&rdquo; approach of the first game.<sup id="fnref:3"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">3</a></sup> The player then gets to decide the Exile&rsquo;s reasons for going to war, their outlook on the Jedi, and there&rsquo;s a lot of gray area to be found.</li> </ul> </li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Mr. Anyway’s Holey Spirits Perform! One Foot in Bethlehem</em> and <em>Pure Particles</em> by The Bug Club.</strong> More recommendations from a former student of mine. I&rsquo;m really enjoying them! <em>One Foot in Bethlehem</em> very clearly has some religious satire, but I&rsquo;ve not had a chance to parse for sub-text&hellip; At this point, I&rsquo;m on a basal, what&rsquo;s catchy level (the answer is a lot).</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>religion, marriage, the future&hellip; the usual, at this point. I hate getting old.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + I know if I don't go now I won't make it out (week notes 010) + https://example.org/week-notes/010/ + Sun, 22 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/010/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>My volleyball rec league started back up! I&rsquo;m awful and uncoordinated on the court, but it&rsquo;s fun to play with friends, and I have learned the hard way that I&rsquo;m a lot less depressed when I&rsquo;m active.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m enjoying reading ex-cohost folks on the bearblog discovery feed. The trending feed can get a little stale.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I hope they stick around.</li> <li>I took a walk (and a run) with a dear friend that I&rsquo;ve been trying to get together with for a while. She&rsquo;s decades older than me, but we are incredibly like-minded. Kindred spirits. I appreciate her wisdom and guidance and friendship immensely as she listens to all my neuroses.</li> <li>On Sunday night, Joe and I went to a wedding for two of our best friends. Maybe I&rsquo;ll make a longer post with all that stirs up for me — thoughts on marriage and commitment&hellip;</li> <li>Unfortunately, I left the wedding feeling sick. COVID test was negative so here&rsquo;s hoping it&rsquo;s just allergies from the changing season.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>No One Belongs Here More than You,</em> Miranda July.</strong> I stand by what I said last week. I think I need a break from the sexual deviants I&rsquo;m apparently (and unconsciously) selecting lately. I&rsquo;m glad to be done with this; I appreciated July&rsquo;s occasional wit and found it Handler-esque, but those touches were few and far between, and the rest of it mostly just grossed me out.</li> <li>My next books will be <em>The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating</em>, recommended by a friend and coworker, and, I think, <em>Into the Wild</em>, which I&rsquo;ve always meant to read. It might not seem like much for an English teacher, but these past few months I&rsquo;ve been reading for pleasure more than I have in years and it has me feeling so full. It&rsquo;s great to rediscover that joy.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup></li> <li><strong><a href="https://netigen.com/read/linkin-park-from-zero">&ldquo;Linkin Park, From Zero&rdquo;</a> by n3verm0re.</strong> I&rsquo;m not a Linkin Park fan by any means, but I have been interested in seeing how a group reawakens after such a tremendous loss. I really enjoyed this piece about it.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Green Dream in F#</em> and <em>Rare Birds</em>, The Bug Club.</strong> I asked a student of mine what kind of music she listened to; she said her music was too weird and I&rsquo;d probably never heard of it. I took that as a personal challenge. But it&rsquo;s not that weird — although, as an (ex?) Xiu Xiu listener, my barometer is off. I liked both albums! They&rsquo;re light, fun listening, and absolutely up my alley.</li> <li><strong><em>Romance is Boring</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong> Listening to the music students of mine like has me thinking about the music I was in love with at their age. <em>RiB</em> came out at the exact right time for me and holds a special place in my heart. I listen to tracks from it often, but this was the first time I&rsquo;d revisited some deeper cuts, like &ldquo;Who Fell Asleep In,&rdquo; in years.</li> <li><strong><em>All Hell</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong> I&rsquo;m still forming my larger thoughts on <em>All Hell</em>, but it was interesting to compare side-by-side with <em>RiB</em>. It is far more even and consistent in quality — <em>RiB</em> has some all-timers but also some real duds (&ldquo;Plan A&rdquo;) — but there is a visceral, adolescent melodrama to <em>RiB</em> that <em>All Hell</em> lacks. <em>All Hell</em> is instead grown up and wistfully forlorn, especially compared to juggernauts like &ldquo;I Just Sighed.&rdquo; Both are good and appropriate for me at different times and headspaces, but <em>RiB</em> holds more of hook — although I have fifteen years of relationship and baggage with it compared to <em>All Hell</em>.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m thinking about a recurring theme in songs I am or have been fixated on — <ul> <li><strong>&ldquo;Drops (reprise),&rdquo; The Peripheral Ones</strong> - &ldquo;I know if I don&rsquo;t go now I won&rsquo;t make it out&rdquo; <ul> <li><strong>&ldquo;The Whale Song,&rdquo; Modest Mouse</strong> - &ldquo;I guess I am a scout / so I should find a way out / so everyone can find a way out&rdquo;</li> </ul> </li> <li><strong>&ldquo;Ave Maria,&rdquo; Mac Miller</strong> - &ldquo;Have you found a way out?&rdquo; &amp; <strong>&ldquo;Come Back to Earth&rdquo;</strong> - &ldquo;I just need a way out of my head / I&rsquo;ll do anything for a way out of my head&rdquo;</li> </ul> </li> <li>— the idea of making it out is, of course, not a unique theme, but perhaps it&rsquo;s why <em>The House on Mango Street</em> resonated with me: <em>&ldquo;For the ones I left behind. For the ones who cannot out.&rdquo;</em></li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>I think posts don&rsquo;t decay quickly enough from the feed, and the top page or two of trending posts are all by the same handful of people. There&rsquo;s a handful of very active posters, which is a great thing, but I like to see variety there.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + 666 with a princess streak (week notes 009) + https://example.org/week-notes/009/ + Sun, 15 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/009/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Working on getting off big corporate social media, still. I&rsquo;m almost entirely off Twitter; I keep the app just because I have a few notifications set for when specific people tweet (mostly bands who tweet out tour dates), but I&rsquo;m otherwise mostly on Mastodon (social.lol) and Discord. Cohost going down was sad to see even if I was never an active user and there were problems with it, but its downfall impressed on me even further the importance of owning your content — and it made me really happy to have this space for my thoughts and writing.</li> <li>I got my COVID booster and flu shot on Friday, which put me out of order for some time. Glad to have them done, however; one day of discomfort is worth it!</li> <li>The weight of being a teacher really set on me this week — not the teaching work, which I love, but the emotional weight of my students&rsquo; lives. It&rsquo;s especially hard to see kids that remind me of myself at their age and wish I could impart all that I&rsquo;ve learned — but knowing that there are no shortcuts and that the only way out for them is through. I can&rsquo;t pluck them out; they have to live it. I can only hope to be there for them as they do.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>No One Belongs Here More than You</em>, Miranda July.</strong> This has been in my Amazon wishlist for I don&rsquo;t know how long — long enough that I&rsquo;ve forgotten where I&rsquo;d found it or why I&rsquo;d wanted to read it. I liked the cover a lot, I guess. Anyway, I feel this is suffering from my reading it so soon after <em>Death Is Not an Option</em> as I have much of the same opinion: excellent prose but turned off by all the weird sex.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I find July&rsquo;s narrators and conceits to be far more varied than Rivecca&rsquo;s, but Rivecca never made me read about an old man who fantasizes about teenage girls, so I automatically like her better.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.garbageday.email/p/meet-lochlan-oneil-the-creator-of">Meet Lochlan O&rsquo;Neil, the creator of DashCon</a> on Garbage Day.</strong> <em>&ldquo;I had to go to extensive therapy because I was like, “oh my god, I, Lochlan O&rsquo;Neil, single-handedly destroyed fandom culture?”</em></li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pokémon 4Ever.</em></strong> Joe and I got our shit rocked by the COVID and flu shots and decided to watch this. Middling, but a surprising environmentalist message. I&rsquo;m realizing how much of who Joe is goes back to Pokémon, of all things.</li> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em>, season five.</strong> Joe and I went back in for a few episodes in our shot stupor. Still enjoyable, but we are quickly gaining on the last of the good episodes in my opinion.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>i,i</em>, Bon Iver.</strong> Not bad, but I like <em>For Emma</em> and <em>22, A Million</em> far more.</li> <li><strong><em>Chants</em>, The Peripheral Ones.</strong> I&rsquo;ve said before that this album is perhaps the most esoteric of my bullshit; it&rsquo;s a cover album of a little-known<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> Myspace-era band, <a href="https://themiddleones.bandcamp.com/">The Middle Ones</a>, done by <a href="https://pigthe.bandcamp.com/music">pigthe</a> (the guitarist for <a href="https://trustfund.bandcamp.com/music">Trust Fund</a>). The album is obscure enough that it&rsquo;s not on MusicBrainz (I&rsquo;m aware that I could add it) and the band has 23 listeners on last.fm. I love it and go back to it often.</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>reading these books back to back has left me wondering if I&rsquo;m somehow unconsciously selecting books only written by deviants or if I&rsquo;m just so vanilla that my gauge for sexual content is skewed&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + the birds remember how to come home (week notes 008) + https://example.org/week-notes/008/ + Sun, 08 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/008/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>School is officially back in session, so my free time is much more limited now. I&rsquo;m optimistic for the year, though!</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Death Is Not an Option</em> by Suzanne Rivecca.</strong> Finished at last. I have not much new to say compared to last week. I felt a notable sense of relief to be done with it and free to move on.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://marisabel.nl/public/blog/Write_as_you_wish:_a_call_to_bring_back_the_prose">Write as you wish: a call to bring back the prose</a> by Marisabel.</strong> I&rsquo;m not a good enough writer for this to be applicable, so call this aspirational reading.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://itskristin.bearblog.dev/back-at-it-social-media-free/">back at it &amp; social media free</a> by kristin.</strong> I&rsquo;ve pretty much dropped Twitter in the last few weeks — I really want to separate myself from toxic online spaces.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://gkeenan.co/avgb/please-please-please-please-please-please-share-your-big-dumb-beautiful-self-with-the-world/">Please please please please please please share your big dumb beautiful self with the world</a> by Keenan.</strong> <em>&ldquo;What does it look like to put yourself on a page, or in a photo, or a brushstroke, or a string plucked and reverberating harmoniously out into the room? When does the screaming inside become loud enough, so all-encompassing that you open up the door to let it pour out of you?&rdquo;</em></li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em>, cycle three.</strong> <em>Top Model</em> is my comfort show right now. I love the first seven cycles best, but cycle three has a special place in my heart. It&rsquo;s one of the first cycles I ever saw and has one of the most entertaining casts. The modelling itself is pretty poor, but that&rsquo;s not really what <em>Top Model</em> was about.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ei6dNr3RkY&amp;list=PLipgnTt01UGXDW2B_eJMKSSi12Y7koJ9O&amp;pp=iAQB">Run Button&rsquo;s <em>Star Wars Outlaws</em> streams.</a></strong> I&rsquo;m really interested in <em>Outlaws</em> based on what I&rsquo;ve seen; Keith has been complaining about the stealth a lot in the streams, but I think a good amount of that has been player error.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords.</em></strong> I&rsquo;ve tried to get Joe to play <em>KotOR</em> for years, but he was turned off by the combat. We listened to A More Civilized Age&rsquo;s coverage together, though (he&rsquo;s a big Friends at the Table fan), and it got him interested in <em>KotOR II</em> (despite my insisting for years that it is the finest piece of <em>Star Wars</em> media). We&rsquo;re playing through together — me with the controller but collectively making decisions. We&rsquo;re still on Peragus (gross), but I&rsquo;m enjoying revisiting it. This will be my first time playing it in at least ten years and my first time with the restored content mod.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Life&rsquo;s a Riot With Spy vs Spy</em>, Billy Bragg.</strong> I like &ldquo;A New England&rdquo; a whole lot; the rest was good but didn&rsquo;t grab me. There&rsquo;s a sparseness and intimacy that struck me when I first heard &ldquo;A New England,&rdquo; but the novelty had worn off for the other tracks.</li> <li><strong><em>For Emma, Forever Ago</em>, Bon Iver.</strong> I listened to this all the way through one night and it unfortunately really spoke to me. I know I&rsquo;ve listened through it before, years ago, and I didn&rsquo;t care for anything except &ldquo;Skinny Love&rdquo;; this time around, every track hit.</li> <li><strong>&ldquo;Bishop, CA&rdquo;</strong> and <strong>&ldquo;Wig Master,&rdquo; Xiu Xiu.</strong> I swore off Xiu Xiu back in 2013 or so after listening to them heavily during a deep depression; I&rsquo;m not cold turkey on them anymore, but they&rsquo;re not in my regular rotation either. I&rsquo;ve been thinking of these two, some of my favorites then.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>in so far as any Xiu Xiu song is a &ldquo;favorite&rdquo; and not &ldquo;a desperate cry for help&rdquo;&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + I guess I feel a bit lost without you (week notes 007) + https://example.org/week-notes/007/ + Sun, 01 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/007/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li><strong>I re-did my website!</strong> I&rsquo;ve detailed it all <a href="https://example.org/what%27s-this-%28and-how-it-works%29/">in a separate post</a>, but I&rsquo;m really excited about making weird stuff online here. I will miss being on the bearblog discovery feed, but this is also a push for me to get involved more on webrings &amp; other small web communities.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> <li>I&rsquo;m <strong>starting to get my classroom ready</strong> for the school year. I&rsquo;m really excited about some of the changes I&rsquo;m making — the physical layout of the room, curricular changes, routines, and philosophies. We go back to school on Tuesday, so this is really the end stretch of summer.</li> <li>I was pretty social this week! I had a friend and coworker over to help us identify some of the plants we have on our property; had a different friend over to play some games; went to see a Fleetwood Mac cover band with some of my partner&rsquo;s coworkers; and had my sister and her boyfriend over to go hiking and out to lunch.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://gkeenan.co/avgb/an-unrelenting-sense-of-longing/">An unrelenting sense of longing (or: “Maps”)</a> by Keenan.</strong> &ldquo;Maps&rdquo; rocks and I love reading fellow music sickos.</li> <li><strong><em>Death Is Not an Option</em> by Suzanne Rivecca.</strong> Plugging along, slowly. Rivecca&rsquo;s prose is excellent but none of the stories have really gripped me; all the protagonists are of a singular type that I don&rsquo;t really connect to.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bYvqnTvUCg&amp;list=PLe_AuQUfBKl5R3Sc7Erpq3Y2me6q6uZ0R">Into the Aether&rsquo;s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke</a></strong> We finished it this week — a tragic end to a great series. RIP TONYSOPRAN.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pokémon White Version</em>.</strong> Played here and there; I think I&rsquo;m losing my enthusiasm for it.</li> <li>We had a friend over and played a little <em><strong>Rock Band</strong></em> and <em><strong>Mario Party Superstars</strong>.</em></li> <li><em><strong>Final Fantasy XIV.</strong></em> Just a bit on Sunday night; focusing on leveling my Marauder (almost to 50!) and my Squadrons. I&rsquo;ve also started doing my Sylph Beast Tribe quests again because I want the Goobbue Mount.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Oblivion Will Own Me and Death Alone Will Love Me (Void Filler)</em>, <em>Every Moment of Every Day</em>, and <em>Fates Worse Than Death</em>, Short Fictions.</strong> I saw Short Fictions at Warsaw when they opened for Los Campesinos! I really enjoyed them live and sat down to listen to a few of their albums (they were kind enough to <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/loscampesinos/comments/1dia0oy/comment/l92otja/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web3x&amp;utm_name=web3xcss&amp;utm_term=1&amp;utm_content=share_button">post their setlist!</a>). Their music lacks some novelty compared to the live performance, but I still like a few songs — notably, &ldquo;Anymore,&rdquo; &ldquo;Nothingness Lies Coiled at the Heart of Being (It’s Such a Good Feeling),&rdquo; and &ldquo;Forever Endeavor.&rdquo;</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYRRR3vRroA">&ldquo;Feather Test&rdquo;</a> by A Weather.</strong> This may be my song this year.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> I fell in love with it a few months ago and returned to it this week. I love, I love, I love (<em>I will, I will</em>). A beautiful, breathy mix of fleeting, intersecting harmonies with a rich and simplistic production. Every line strikes. (&ldquo;Brush your hand / Across where you felt me / Do I pass the feather test?&rdquo;)</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>Also, importantly, I blog to write, not to be read. I guess.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + Automattic's Write Brief is, unsurprisingly, full of shit + https://example.org/write-brief/ + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/write-brief/ + <p>Automattic <a href="https://techcrunch.com/2024/08/07/automattic-launches-ai-writing-tool-that-aims-to-make-wordpress-blogs-more-readable-and-succinct/">recently launched their Write Brief AI assistant</a> for folks using Jetpack with WordPress.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> It is automatically available to anyone using wordpress.com, which I verified by logging into my 14-year-old account.</p> <p>I decided to test it out on my recent post about <em>The Basic Eight</em>. I chose this because it&rsquo;s one of my more recent posts that isn&rsquo;t #week-notes . I pasted it directly into the Gutenberg editor with all of the AI settings toggled on.</p> + + + what's this? (and how it works) + https://example.org/what's-this-(and-how-it-works)/ + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/what's-this-(and-how-it-works)/ + <p>Welcome to esotericbullshit.net, the new home of my blog and web stuff.</p> <p>Previously, this blog was hosted at bearblog under the domain cassie.land. Now, I&rsquo;m using the SSG Hugo to create the site, which deploys to Github Pages for hosting.</p> <p><strong>So why the move?</strong> I love bearblog and recommend it to just about anyone who wants to get into blogging and the small web — it&rsquo;s dead simple for folks with no web expertise, it has an awesome community, and the discover page allows you to share your content and connect with folks also using the platform. Unfortunately, I am, at heart, a tinkerer — bearblog felt a little <em>too</em> easy, and a little limiting for some of the visions I have. And, ultimately, I just want to <strong>own my content</strong> and <strong>embrace new technologies and challenges</strong>.</p> + + + I want to sleep and dream alone (week notes 006) + https://example.org/week-notes/006/ + Mon, 26 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/006/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I was at school one day this week for an orientation for some student leaders.</li> <li>I went to Six Flags and realized I&rsquo;m old; my tolerance for roller coasters is, suddenly, shockingly low.</li> <li>Feeling extreme relief but also guilt for being such an introvert — lately I feel I&rsquo;m an anti-social loner, but friends have reassured me that these feelings are normal and everyone enjoys and protects their alone time (to an extent, depending on the person). All I really want to do is be alone in my house, left to do my silly little projects.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m trying still to move away from big, corporate social media — I have been spending more time on Mastodon and the bearblog discover feed. I&rsquo;ve scarcely opened Twitter, and I&rsquo;ve set 30m app timers for Facebook and Instagram. I rarely hit it for either, but something about knowing the timer is there makes me more conscious of the time I&rsquo;m wasting on them. I&rsquo;m not happy yet with my screen time as a whole, but at least I feel I&rsquo;m seeing more of real people (and people I choose to follow) than algorithms and dark patterns.</li> <li>On Friday, I went to IKEA with a friend and my sister to get some things for the house and a few items for my classroom.</li> <li>I intended to go into school on Saturday and begin some of the physical setup I need to do, but I felt sick and exhausted. I took a COVID test (negative) — I&rsquo;m hoping it&rsquo;s just holdover from a long day of driving on Friday.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://a-demain.bearblog.dev/studying-to-be-a-teacher-in-the-modern-day/">Studying to be a teacher in the modern day</a> by Sparrow.</strong> I feel the same about teaching as Sparrow: it&rsquo;s a hard career to choose in today&rsquo;s education system and economic climate, but teaching is so intrinsically part of me that I can&rsquo;t see myself doing anything else. Even with the stress, the low pay, the poor working conditions, I love it.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://marblethoughts.bearblog.dev/what-a-demure-mindful-and-brat-summer/">What a demure, mindful, and brat summer</a> by Kayla.</strong> Great introspective piece on trends and shifting mindsets. As I get older, I&rsquo;m less connected to fads (especially because I&rsquo;m not on TikTok and have curated my social media feeds), but I do try hard to understand them — I never want to be someone who brushes things off as &ldquo;kids these days&rdquo; absurdity and who blames the younger generation for every societal woe. Brat summer and demure sound silly, but there&rsquo;s importance in trying to understand what matters to young people<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> — and we can only reach state of cooperation and harmony through mutual understanding and respect.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://slate.com/advice/2024/08/dear-prudence-coworkers-too-personal.html">Help! I Invited My Coworkers Into a Very Personal Part of My Life. Now I Really Regret It.</a> by Hillary Frey.</strong> I read Dear, Prudence often to satisfy my busybody tendencies and, occasionally, to talk through social quandaries with my partner. The first letter here hit particularly hard; I am a teacher and regularly have coworkers ask super invasive questions about my family planning. I&rsquo;m friends with someone who went through IVF and she&rsquo;s opened my eyes to how these &ldquo;innocent questions&rdquo; (they&rsquo;re not) can hurt folks dealing with infertility. I&rsquo;m not, but even I find questions about whether I&rsquo;m trying for a baby super invasive!</li> <li><strong><a href="https://blog.avas.space/kindness-online/">finding kindness online</a> by ava.</strong> A great piece about connection in gaming. I have baggage with video game-centric spaces online, but this gives me some hope.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Too Model,</em> cycle 1.</strong> Mostly passive viewing while folding laundry, but cycle 1 has a special quality. It feels less like a reality show and more like a documentary about what it&rsquo;s like to be on a reality show. The budget is clearly low and the show hadn&rsquo;t established its structure just yet, so the contestants learn how the show works along with us. It feels grounded and authentic — for a season of <em>Top Model</em>, that is.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bYvqnTvUCg&amp;list=PLe_AuQUfBKl5R3Sc7Erpq3Y2me6q6uZ0R">Into the Aether&rsquo;s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke</a></strong> Joe and I are continuing this and still really loving it!</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Final Fantasy XIV.</em></strong> I&rsquo;m slowly working through the post-<em>Stormblood</em> patch content. Joe is still playing through <em>A Realm Reborn</em>, so I&rsquo;m levelling Warrior to do dungeons alongside him as a new class. I&rsquo;m enduring the slow, painful grind of levelling my Squadrons, too. I like the concept of Squadrons — they remind me of my beloved <em>Final Fantasy Tactics Advance</em>,<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> but unfortunately there is very little variety and a lot of waiting involved here.</li> <li><strong><em>Pokémon White Version</em></strong>. I was inspired to jump into a Pokémon game by the Nuzlocke Joe and I are watching. I&rsquo;ve never really played <em>White</em>; maybe a year ago I did the first three gyms, but I remember none of it. I started it over on Saturday night.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <p>Nothing really specific — just some shuffles. I have, however, <a href="https://listenbrainz.org/user/babyspace/">started tracking my listening data to listenbrainz</a>!</p> + + + the secrecy won't keep you free (week notes 005) + https://example.org/week-notes/005/ + Sun, 18 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/005/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>This week I learned that I&rsquo;m <strong>allergic to yellowjacket stings</strong> in the worst way possible (not that there&rsquo;s a good way). I was attacked by a nest of them while mowing the lawn and had to go to the ER.</li> <li>Contemplating my intense introversion.</li> <li>I was able to finally get together with a dear friend for a walk through the park — we have been trying to see each other for a while now but schedules and weather kept getting in the way. Talking to her, a kindred spirit, nourishes me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>The Basic Eight</em> by Daniel Handler.</strong> Finished in the first hours of this week. I wrote up <a href="https://example.org/the-basic-eight">a full post</a> with my thoughts.</li> <li><strong><em>Death Is Not an Option</em> by Suzanne Rivecca.</strong> I&rsquo;m about halfway through this. It&rsquo;s middling; there&rsquo;s a lot of weird sex that I simply do not connect to, and all of the narrators / protagonists feel the same even though this is a collection of unrelated short stories.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://apnews.com/article/harris-walz-apostrophe-possessive-grammar-967c0bbefc09be6c804588daabed7ec9">There’s an apostrophe battle brewing among grammar nerds. Is it Harris’ or Harris’s?</a> by Holly Tamer.</strong> This is the kind of presidential race news coverage I want to see in this world.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong>Into the Aether&rsquo;s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke.</strong> I really like Into the Aether and the TWG network, and Joe is a big fan of watching Pokemon challenges on YouTube. We are not far in, but we are enjoying it so far.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Rock Band 4.</em></strong> I have a friend visiting this week — it&rsquo;s a great party game.</li> <li><strong><em>Carcassone.</em></strong> A board game staple in my house.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li>Nothing particular beyond some shuffles, but my mom came over with her old Fleetwood Mac records and we realized that my record player has been spinning <em>slightly</em> too fast (~33.7rpm instead of 33.3). I noticed it months ago with Mac Miller&rsquo;s <em>GO:ODAM</em>, but I thought it might just be the press. We fixed it and now I feel I have to re-listen to all my records.</li> </ul> + + + I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it + https://example.org/the-basic-eight/ + Sat, 17 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/the-basic-eight/ + <p>Spoilers to follow.</p> <p>I wrote in my week notes:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong><em>The Basic Eight</em> by Daniel Handler.</strong> Handler&rsquo;s <em>Adverbs</em> is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved <em>Watch Your Mouth</em>, too. I need light reprieves from <em>The Odyssey</em>, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler&rsquo;s bibliography. I&rsquo;m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It&rsquo;s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler&rsquo;s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don&rsquo;t think I&rsquo;ve ever felt before.</p> + + + I love when you invoke my death (week notes 004) + https://example.org/week-notes/004/ + Sun, 11 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/004/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I <strong>went to the lake</strong> with two friends. We did some <strong>kayaking</strong><sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> and went <strong>swimming</strong>, then returned to our house to have a belated birthday celebration for Joe.</li> <li>I <strong>played around with Hugo</strong> and thought about moving this blog (back) there. I love the bearblog community and don&rsquo;t want to leave it, but I also want to build a personal site out more. I&rsquo;m conflicted, but for now, I&rsquo;m sticking on bearblog.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> I also bought a domain without a plan to use it — I love cassieland, but this one speaks to me, and it has an air of anonymity, which is appealing should I pursue my goal to blog more; anonymity feels safer.</li> <li>Joe and I went to visit family, so we&rsquo;re spending a weekend lake- and pool-side, and I&rsquo;m reminded for the ten thousandth time of how wonderful he is with children. The biological clock ticks.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://wavelengths.online/posts/how-did-this-new-harry-potter-ride-get-approved">How Did This New Harry Potter Ride Get Approved?</a> by Brendon Bigley.</strong> I used to be a tremendous <em>Harry Potter</em> fan but consciously decoupled from the series given J.K. Rowling&rsquo;s modern social campaign of hate. I&rsquo;ve gone to and enjoyed Universal&rsquo;s Wizarding World, but I agree with Brendon&rsquo;s stance: it is bizarre when Universal leans into the thinly veiled Nazism parallels for their theme park and ask attendees to rejoice in war crime trials.</li> <li><strong><em>The Basic Eight</em> by Daniel Handler.</strong> Handler&rsquo;s <em>Adverbs</em> is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved <em>Watch Your Mouth</em>, too. I need light reprieves from <em>The Odyssey</em>, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler&rsquo;s bibliography. I&rsquo;m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It&rsquo;s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler&rsquo;s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don&rsquo;t think I&rsquo;ve ever felt before.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em>, season five.</strong> Continuing on; we are reaching the point where Joe stopped watching years ago — I had him watch the show with me when we first started dating — so I&rsquo;m excited to get into fresh content. Unfortunately, the show goes downhill, in my opinion, by season six, so we are in the last of the good.</li> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em>, cycle six.</strong> If I believed in guilty pleasures, <em>ANTM</em> would be mine. Fortunately I don&rsquo;t, so I can indulge all I&rsquo;d like in junk food TV. I think the first seven seasons are all gold, but I was in the mood for Jade&rsquo;s antics in six — truly one of the most unhinged individuals to ever appear on the show.</li> <li><strong><em>Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse.</em></strong> An incredible follow-up to a film I loved very much; I agree that the cliffhanger ending undercuts some of the story&rsquo;s structure, but if you frame it as Gwen&rsquo;s story — which I think it was in many ways — it&rsquo;s a lot more satisfying, like a sophomore sojourn into another major character. On a technical and artistic level, it&rsquo;s a remarkable achievement; the painterly visuals and use of color in Gwen&rsquo;s universe were particular standouts.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>All Hell</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong> My record finally came in. It&rsquo;s going to take time for me to form an opinion and weight it against their discography — I&rsquo;ve got to let it sink — but as of right now, I really like it. &ldquo;Clown Blood&rdquo; is an early favorite.</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>Our friends brought their kayaks and Joe rented one. We would like to invest in our own, but most of our money this summer has gone to home repairs. Maybe next summer.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + smooth runs the water where the brook is deep + https://example.org/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/ + Thu, 08 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/ + <blockquote> <p>Write a blog post about words of wisdom your younger self would have appreciated hearing. (via <a href="https://blogprompts.fyi">blogprompts</a>)<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p></blockquote> <p>I&rsquo;m trying out doing blog prompts in an effort to populate this blog with more than just weekly round-ups and to get more comfortable writing about personal things.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup></p> <p>I&rsquo;m going to select two quotes — both song lyrics — that have resonated for me.</p> <p>The first is from &ldquo;Banshee Beat&rdquo; by Animal Collective, which I first heard in my late teens (maybe 16?) and still consider one of my favorite songs.</p> + + + clean as paper before the poem (week notes 003) + https://example.org/week-notes/003/ + Sun, 04 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/003/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I was <strong>in school for a few days this week</strong>: one for a school improvement team meeting, where we made plans for the upcoming school year that have me really excited; another DEI committee meeting; and an English curriculum planning day. I also started moving some of the furniture in my classroom into place — I&rsquo;m rearranging for next year.</li> <li>I <strong>received a postcard in the mail</strong> <a href="https://buymeacoffee.com/veronique/e/280562">from Veronique</a>! I love this idea to take the small web to snail mail (and am generally a big fan of her blog).</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://kelsey.bearblog.dev/what-its-like/">what it&rsquo;s like</a> by kelsey.</strong> Less reading and more admiring: is this what the notebooks and brains of the creative and artistic are like? Others admire mine for its neatness and consistency, small, even printing repeated across page and page, the same thoughts over and over again, like photocopies. I love the color, the doodles, the spontaneity kelsey has, and this is what I love about bearblog: the glimpses into the minds of others.</li> <li><strong><em>Cultural Competence Now</em> by Vernita Mayfield.</strong> Continued from <a href="https://example.org/week-notes/001">a previous week</a>; this week, I read the third chapter for my district&rsquo;s DEI Committee.</li> <li><strong><em>The House on Mango Street</em> by Sandra Cisneros.</strong> I&rsquo;m integrating this book into my curriculum for the next school year. It&rsquo;s a beautiful, poetic, important text, and I&rsquo;m so excited to read it with my kids. It&rsquo;s heavy, and the unit I&rsquo;ve planned around it is challenging, but I want to be more rigorous in my curriculum, and I think the kids will really connect with Esperanza.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://blueberrylemonade.pika.page/posts/i-wanted-to-be-like-my-dad">&ldquo;I wanted to be like my dad.&rdquo;</a> by Kyle (on Blueberry Lemonade).</strong> A thoughtful piece on how adulthood shifts our relationships with our parents. It&rsquo;s interesting — I seem to have the inverse experience: moving out of my mom&rsquo;s house, I think, brought us closer in many ways. But I still connect with Kyle&rsquo;s thesis about how our views of parents evolve; perhaps the nature of parenthood is seeing your child grow beyond you.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li>A lot of <strong>Friends at the Table</strong> content on Twitch. Joe is a fan of their podcasts and the folks involved; I&rsquo;m not into actual play podcasts or anime, so I don&rsquo;t join in, but I like watching some of their streams. I&rsquo;ve particularly enjoyed their <em>Stardew Valley</em> series.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood</em></strong>. I&rsquo;m back on my bullshit after watching <a href="https://www.twitch.tv/videos/2205413826">Austin Walker stream <em>Final Fantasy XI</em></a>. I&rsquo;ve played on and off since release, but this week I finished <em>Stormblood</em> (which I&rsquo;m tepid on) and am working my way toward <em>Shadowbringers</em> (which I&rsquo;ve heard nothing but praise for). I conned Joe into playing with me too, so it&rsquo;s been fun to see him go back through the early game quests. I have a lot of love in my heart for <em>A Realm Reborn</em>.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li>My <strong>Los Campesinos! <em>All Hell</em></strong> record has yet to arrive in the mail, so not that (but it did ship this week and is meant to be delivered tomorrow).</li> </ul> + + + Moving to a rack mount setup + https://example.org/moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup/ + Fri, 02 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup/ + <p>I wrote a post a few months ago <a href="https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/">cataloguing moving my home server</a> from the old NZXT case I had leftover from my old PC into a Rosewill chassis that would let me, eventually, move to a proper rack setup. This past Prime Day, I purchased a Riveco 15U rack and then some sliding rails to go along with it, with the hope of finally moving the loud and hot NAS into the basement where it belongs.</p> + + + ask yourself is that going to bring you peace, though? (week notes 002) + https://example.org/week-notes/002/ + Sun, 28 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/002/ + <p>I&rsquo;m continuing to try out doing Week Notes instead of monthly wrap ups. So far, so good! As a callback to my livejournal days, I&rsquo;m trying out using a random quote from something I&rsquo;m enjoying this week as my title (most likely, and true to my livejournal heart, cryptic song lyrics).</p> <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>My district is finally paying me to organize <strong>Safe Space trainings</strong>. This week, I got together with two other teachers to collaborate on plans, then delivered the training to a group of folks who we also prepared to do the training themselves. An immensely rewarding experience that felt like the culmination of four years of anger and despair and turned those feelings into something positive and productive.</li> <li>Trying to <strong>get organized and get on a better schedule</strong>. I woke up on Friday at 2:14pm (!!!) and felt awful about it. I spent a lot of time that day organizing my calendar (digital on Todoist, and I keep a physical planner) and setting some goals for myself so I don&rsquo;t spend the whole summer sleeping like a teenager.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> <li>I also want to <strong>cut down on my screen time for big social media apps</strong> (like Instagram and Facebook) — the ones that have no value other than to waste my time. I put a big ol&rsquo; screen time widget on the homescreen of my phone as a way to try to curtail the scrolling; I&rsquo;m hoping that, when I unlock my phone, I&rsquo;ll see that I&rsquo;ve already spent a substantial amount of time on these apps and choose something else instead. I love to be online, but I&rsquo;d rather <strong>spend that time on indie web spaces</strong> like bearblog, Mastodon (I need to find folks to follow! Please send me recs and/or your account, fellow bearbloggers — my email is in the footer), and 32bitcafe.</li> <li>This is a very long-term goal, but I want to <strong>migrate my curriculum map from Notion to Obsidian</strong>. I&rsquo;m increasingly trying to move to open source programs (to, hopefully, stave off enshittification). The <a href="https://github.com/marcusolsson/obsidian-projects">Obsidian Projects plugin</a> is helping to make this a reality, but I&rsquo;m still looking for a good way to create a rollup of my tags that includes the full standard text and a heatmap of how frequently the tag is used. I played a bit with <a href="https://gohugo.io">Hugo</a> and <a href="https://getgrav.org/">Grav</a> for this but found I was going <em>web first</em> in my approach when really I just wanted a content management system (which Obsidian is, in a way, albeit a private one).<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup></li> <li>I <strong>moved my server into a rack setup</strong> and relocated it to my basement. I&rsquo;ll probably put together a full post cataloguing that.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>How to Talk So Teens Will Listen &amp; Listen So Teens Will Talk</em> by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish</strong>. I&rsquo;ve read many recommendations for this book and thought it might help me in the classroom. I started and finished the book in two days — it&rsquo;s a quick but valuable read. Right now, all the ideas are theoretical, as I won&rsquo;t get to try them out until September, but I love the approach. The authors put into explicit steps the feeling that I&rsquo;ve always had: interactions with anyone, but especially children, need to be based on mutual respect, and adults cannot expect children to control their emotions if they are not willing to do the same. I&rsquo;d love to make this a book study among co-workers.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://louplummer.lol/computer-people/">Computer People</a> by Lou Plummer</strong>. A thoughtful piece about the evolution and entry of tech into our lives, particularly in education. Unfortunately I don&rsquo;t share Lou&rsquo;s rosy outlook: I still have lots of coworkers who don&rsquo;t regard themselves as &ldquo;computer people&rdquo; and resist any new technology (and call me for help when something is unplugged).</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em></strong>, continued from last week (<strong>season four</strong>)</li> <li><strong><em>Easy A</em> (2010)</strong>. I never saw this when it came out but always read positive talk about it. It was awful; few laughs and all the character&rsquo;s motivations and actions were puzzling. It seemed to exist only to sell the viewer on Emma Stone and to have her parade around in lingerie.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Stardew Valley</em>, update 1.6</strong>. I&rsquo;m playing a co-op save with Joe and my friend Nick. I love <em>Stardew</em> and am enjoying discovering some of the new changes and additions, but I&rsquo;m struggling with the chaos of a shared farm — Joe in particular has some very different organizational priorities than me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Youth Novels</em>, Lykke Li.</strong> I listened to this album for the first time in 2012 (&ldquo;Melodies &amp; Desires&rdquo; and &ldquo;Little Bit&rdquo; being the two I listened to with any regularity); it came up in a library shuffle and I realized I was listening to it in 160kbps. I replaced it with a higher quality rip and enjoyed hearing instruments and layers I didn&rsquo;t know existed before. I&rsquo;ve also a new appreciation for &ldquo;Breaking It Up,&rdquo; &ldquo;Hanging High,&rdquo; and &ldquo;I&rsquo;m Good, I&rsquo;m Gone.&rdquo;</li> <li>I&rsquo;d like to be listening to <strong><em>All Hell</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong>, the latest release by my favorite band, but I preordered it on vinyl and it still hasn&rsquo;t come in&hellip; I don&rsquo;t know how much longer I&rsquo;ll hold out.<sup id="fnref:3"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">3</a></sup></li> <li><strong>&ldquo;Red Leather&rdquo; by Future &amp; Metro Boomin</strong>. I still don&rsquo;t listen to much rap outside of Mac (a bit of Vince Staples, some Stormzy, some Princess Nokia), but I&rsquo;d like to branch out. I heard this in the background of (probably) an Instagram Reel and dig it (I hate that this is how folks, myself included, are discovering music these days).</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>In my heart of hearts, I am a lazy fucker, and I don&rsquo;t intend to change that. However, there&rsquo;s a lot I want to do during my summer break, and I know I&rsquo;ll be disappointed in myself if I waste away the <em>whole</em> summer being a lazy fucker. I want to allow myself time to relax, but balance is important.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + Week Notes 001 + https://example.org/week-notes/001/ + Sun, 21 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/001/ + <p>I <a href="https://esotericbullshit.net/tags/media-log/">tried out doing monthly media logs</a> and found it difficult to stick to; it became daunting to log everything, and I put the unnecessary onus on myself to also write down detailed thoughts on everything. I&rsquo;m going to try out shorter weekly notes instead. I want to have a record of and reflect on things that are important to me, so the effort matters, but perhaps this will be easier to maintain.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I&rsquo;m hoping to use this space to share out blog posts and other web content that I&rsquo;ve enjoyed, too.</p> + + + breaking silences + https://example.org/breaking-silences/ + Thu, 20 Jun 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/breaking-silences/ + <p><a href="https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/">Last time I updated this blog</a>, I wrote about silences in my professional career. These past few weeks, I feel I am doing the work to break mine.</p> <p>I am the faculty advisor for my middle school&rsquo;s GSA. I have been for years now, and it&rsquo;s something I&rsquo;m very proud of, but this year especially I feel I have a great crop of kids that I&rsquo;m really connecting with. At my town&rsquo;s Pride festival in early June, my club had a booth selling crafts the kids had made to raise funds. The kids filtered in and out to help sell goods, but mostly I think they just valued having a &ldquo;home base&rdquo; at the event. For me, it was a long, socially draining day, but speaking to them afterward about the experience and hearing them tell me how at home they felt at the festival, how comfortable they felt being themselves, was so gratifying.</p> + + + Your silence will not protect you + https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/ + Sun, 14 Apr 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/ + <p>I&rsquo;ve talked before on this blog about <a href="../on-teaching/">being a teacher</a> and how passionate I am about my work; the time I spend with my students — which should be paramount and where all my energy goes — comes naturally. I often remark that I feel like I&rsquo;m doing a stand-up comedy routine<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> while teaching because my goal is not only to instruct but to develop joy in learning, in reading, in writing.</p> + + + Moving my home server to a new chassis + https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/ + Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/ + <p>I have a home server (running Unraid) that I use to backup computers, as media storage, and to run various apps. It&rsquo;s mostly been cobbled together from used parts I found for cheap, and it generally followed <a href="https://forums.serverbuilds.net/t/guide-nas-killer-4-0-fast-quiet-power-efficient-and-flexible-starting-at-125/667">Serverbuild&rsquo;s NAS Killer 4 guide</a>. It runs like a dream, and putting it together is one of the best decisions I&rsquo;ve ever made. More recently, with streaming sites like Netflix, Hulu, etc. cracking down on password sharing, it has become my pathway to shedding some monthly subscriptions and owning my own media.</p> + + + Thirteen to Know Me + https://example.org/thirteen-to-know-me/ + Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/thirteen-to-know-me/ + <p>@jamesmckz <a href="https://twitter.com/jamesmckz/status/1764778536244507081">shared the following challenge on X</a> earlier this month:</p> <blockquote> <p>No cheating - your Quietus style Bakers Dozen. 13 albums (off the top of your head) to know you by. Not looking for a perfect list, looking for a list that you instantly regret posting because you then remember something else.</p></blockquote> <p>I approached my response largely as a list of albums that have meant something to me in my life — not necessarily what I&rsquo;m actively listening to at the moment. Many of these albums I&rsquo;ve not listened to much in years, but I consider them pivotal, essential listening for <em>me</em>.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p> + + + Coming Out + https://example.org/coming-out/ + Sun, 25 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/coming-out/ + <p>I read a thread online recently about bisexuality: folks were discussing use of the label compared to something like pansexual. Many folks within the LGBTQ+ umbrella argue that pansexual is a more inclusive label than bisexual, as <em>bi-</em> upholds a binary view of gender.</p> <p>My relationship with my bisexuality has been fraught. I can pinpoint in specificity where I feel it started: in the sixth grade (for me, 2005 or 2006), reading the sex ed chapter in my science textbook, I was presented with the three sexualities — heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. I had, by that point, already started puberty and experienced low-level attraction. I&rsquo;d been confused that that attraction never seemed to have a distinct target: I liked boys and I liked girls. I remember an immediate sense of comfort and belonging in the term. <em>That&rsquo;s allowed?</em>, I thought. Reading it in a textbook made it seem so simple. <em>Then surely that&rsquo;s the way to be.</em></p> + + + Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound + https://example.org/early-thoughts-on-pokemon-unbound/ + Fri, 23 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/early-thoughts-on-pokemon-unbound/ + <p>I downloaded <em>Pokémon: Unbound</em> the other day to play alongside my partner. We are both big <em>Pokémon</em> fans — like buy the new games every year fans — though my interest has waned over the last few years (I loved <em>Legends Arceus</em> and generally felt that <em>Scarlet/Violet</em> were slaps in the face<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>). I have fond memories of the classic games, and I&rsquo;ve read a lot of positive buzz about <em>Unbound</em>.</p> + + + Media Log (January 2024) + https://example.org/media-log-2024-01/ + Sun, 04 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/media-log-2024-01/ + <h1 id="tv">TV</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>One Tree Hill</em>, season six and seven</strong> - I&rsquo;ve been marathoning One Tree Hill on a friend&rsquo;s recommendation. By this season, we are well passed the &ldquo;good&rdquo; seasons, but it&rsquo;s still entertaining enough to watch — if only to count how many more car crashes the writers will introduce as plot lines. I think the early (1-4) seasons are a decent watch, but at this point, I&rsquo;m really just seeing it through to the end. Season seven has a novelty in seeing how a show pivots after losing its main character. I don&rsquo;t think <em>OTH</em> did so gracefully; they elevated some, generously, background characters into the main act and lumped on bunch of new ones at that. Some work better than others, but at least I&rsquo;m almost at the end.</li> <li><strong><em>Kitchen Nightmares</em> (2023)</strong> - Years ago, I once came home to find my partner watching <em>Kitchen Nightmares</em> on YouTube. He&rsquo;s generally not a fan of reality or competition shows, so I asked him why he was watching it. He giggled and said, &ldquo;He [Gordon] just gets so mad.&rdquo; That led to me also watching a bunch of the show. This month I watched a gabi belle video in which she talked about the reboot, so I dipped in too. Gordon does indeed still get mad. When watching <em>Kitchen Nightmares</em>, I am always thinking of how much fun the show must be to edit. The editors make liberal use of the most unhinged sound effects imaginable. It&rsquo;s junk food TV, and who doesn&rsquo;t love junk food?</li> <li><strong>Schitt&rsquo;s Creek</strong> - I&rsquo;ve been casually rewatching as my background noise / take a nap on the couch TV. Still hilarious and as good as the first time.</li> <li><strong>The Bachelor</strong> - Two of my friends are big fans, so I&rsquo;m watching the current season with them. I&rsquo;ve never seen any <em>Bachelor</em> properties before this; I&rsquo;m mostly along for the ride. The show has yet to hit the reality TV highs that keep me looped in to shows like <em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em> or <em>Survivor</em>, and the whole concept still feels quite skeezy to me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="music">Music</h1> <ul> <li> <p><strong><em>III</em>, The Lumineers</strong> - I have liked some of The Lumineers&rsquo; hits for years, but a friend really loves them, so I thought I&rsquo;d give <em>III</em> a shot. I understand it&rsquo;s a concept album with stories and characters; I really haven&rsquo;t delved into that. I&rsquo;m unsure if that&rsquo;s because I haven&rsquo;t found it compelling or because I am trying to focus more on the <em>sound</em> rather than just the words (I&rsquo;ve always been more for the latter). <em>III</em> sounds great; it reminds me of how much I love the piano. It&rsquo;s the focal point of many songs on the album but also beautifully interspersed as a twinkly highlight or backdrop. Particular favorites are &ldquo;Donna&rdquo; and &ldquo;My Cell.&rdquo;</p> + + + hate for the island + https://example.org/hate-for-the-island/ + Sun, 07 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/hate-for-the-island/ + <p>I was born and raised on Long Island in a hamlet that rests along the Great South Bay.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> Known to most as a ferry town, this charming suburb lives and breathes the ocean. Most every resident has access to some kind of boat, whether through personal ownership or advantageous friendship. In the 90s, the town was voted the &ldquo;friendliest town in America,&rdquo; a slogan that still adorns the sign as you drive into town, by a mysterious group that awards such superlatives. That accolade, along with our yacht clubs, country clubs, lack of racial diversity, and generalized fear of anything outside the norm makes the town the near picture of 1950s suburban ideal.</p> + + + my year in lists + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + Mon, 01 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + <p>I&rsquo;m not a New Years Resolution person; listening to a lot of <a href="https://loscampesinos.bandcamp.com/track/my-year-in-lists-2">&ldquo;My Year in Lists&rdquo;</a> by Los Campesinos! as a teen made me quite cynical about the whole thing.</p> <p>However, I <em>am</em> a very goal-oriented, reflective person. In late 2022, after years of gaining weight and developing some really negative patterns of self-talk around my body image, I decided to join a gym. Of course I&rsquo;d like to see the number on the scale go down, but the main goal was just to get healthier and develop healthier habits. I started running, because that&rsquo;s what I used to do (not well), and eventually convinced a friend to join with me. Together, we set the goal of running a 5K, and we did our first in May of 2023, in about 41 minutes (in our defense, it was an <em>extremely</em> hilly course, but also progress, progress<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>). We ran three more as the year went by; my most recent was November, where I finished in around 36 minutes.</p> + + + Intentional Listening + https://example.org/intentional-listening/ + Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/intentional-listening/ + <p>A friend of mine is a big fan of Florence + the Machine. I confessed to only really knowing (but liking) her hits, &ldquo;Dog Days&rdquo; and &ldquo;Cosmic Love.&rdquo; I asked which album she would recommend I listen to; she said <em>How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful</em> (2015),<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> and I texted her about some of the songs on it. She asked if I was listening to the whole thing given the back to back messages; I said yes, and I started to consider <em>how</em> I like to consume music.</p> + + + LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory + https://example.org/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/ + Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/ + <p>The lives of many literary greats remain a relative mystery; literary critics and historians are often left to piece together details from letters, documentation, and, sometimes controversially, the author&rsquo;s work read for repeated motifs. They then draw what conclusions they can about the authors&rsquo; lives. One of the most prolific female poets in the English literary canon, Emily Dickinson&rsquo;s life is preserved in letters and artifacts from her life. When examined as a body of work, Dickinson&rsquo;s poetry reveals a pattern of focus on women&rsquo;s interior lives and relationships that may be regarded as queer, especially with the added dimension of her close relationship with her sister-in-law. This essay examines a selection of her poems through a queer lens, highlighting the poems&rsquo; relationships to female love and Dickinson&rsquo;s life and arguing against established patterns of erasing Dickinson&rsquo;s queer identity.</p> + + + LITR 250 Close Reading 2E + https://example.org/litr-250-close-reading-2e/ + Tue, 19 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/litr-250-close-reading-2e/ + <p>In the beginning of Chapter VIII in the third section of <em>To the Lighthouse</em>, pages 186-187, Virginia Woolf&rsquo;s unique approach to perspective and introspection create a subjective presentation of reality and relationships, supported by extended metaphors of fluidity and stillness. On a boat trip mandated by Mr. Ramsay to the titular lighthouse, Cam and James anatomize and unfold their feelings towards their father. Cam evolves as the boat moves across the sea while James&rsquo;s unflinching rage and violence towards the patriarch repeat in this section as the sailboat halts and space contracts to exacerbate his indignation. Woolf thus frames and explores the figure of Mr. Ramsay and the nominal motif of a journey through individual introspection and excurses. <sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p> + + + Media Log (August 2023) + https://example.org/media-log-august-2023/ + Thu, 31 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/media-log-august-2023/ + <h1 id="movies">Movies</h1> <ul> <li><em>Barbie</em> - I was underwhelmed. There&rsquo;s been lots of chatter, and I loved <em>Lady Bird</em>, but <em>Barbie</em> didn&rsquo;t hit for me; too much Ken (to be the hundredth person to whine about it) and the ending felt unearned and thematically confused. This was more of an homage to <em>Barbie</em> as a product than it was an homage to womanhood, but it pretended to be the latter.</li> </ul> <h1 id="games">Games</h1> <ul> <li><em>Vampire Survivors</em> - I originally played <em>Vampire Survivors</em> for my video game podcast, <a href="https://pitchandplay.org">Pitch &amp; Play</a> (on hiatus but will come back!); my friend and co-host Ross recommended it to me. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I got into it given that I don&rsquo;t really have nostalgia for this sort of game, but I played several hours of it and then became distracted by life. While moving this month, I was without internet for quite a while and had not hooked up my consoles (or my PC, still). To kill some time while my body recovered from lifting boxes and scrubbing surfaces, I downloaded <em>Vampire Survivors</em> onto my phone and went deep into it. It&rsquo;s a fantastic game that I&rsquo;ll come to associate with my early days in the house.</li> </ul> <h1 id="books">Books</h1> <ul> <li><em>Walk Two Moons</em> by Sharon Creech - I read this book originally as a child in the fifth grade. I remember loving it but little else. I have been looking for a text to add to my curriculum and wanted to try <em>Walk Two Moons</em> out. I enjoyed reading it and was surprised by how much of it came back to me even though I am (nearly) twenty years out from reading it the first time. I do think the Native American set dressing might be problematic given that the author is not, by any account I&rsquo;ve read, actually Native; the plot is also predictable, but perhaps that is because I&rsquo;m an adult reading a book written for children and because I&rsquo;ve read it before. I&rsquo;m not sure it&rsquo;s the book I&rsquo;m looking for, but it&rsquo;s not a bad read.</li> </ul> + + + On Teaching + https://example.org/on-teaching/ + Fri, 18 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/on-teaching/ + <p>This September marks the start of my fourth year teaching.</p> <p>When I was a kid, I was always interested in teaching; my grandparents had an unfinished basement that, for some reason, had a little chalkboard and table. My siblings and I would play school down there, and I loved to play the role of teacher &ndash; despite being considerably younger than them.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I loved school, too. I loved most every subject (especially grammar &ndash; I&rsquo;m one of the few children who absolutely rejoiced when asked to take out my grammar workbook) and was, at the risk of conceit, <em>good</em> at academics. I also read voraciously in elementary school.</p> + + + Stages of Moving + https://example.org/stages-of-moving/ + Tue, 15 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/stages-of-moving/ + <h2 id="stage-1-denial--naivety">Stage 1: Denial &amp; Naivety</h2> <p>I don&rsquo;t have that much stuff. I don&rsquo;t think packing is going to be that hard this time. I&rsquo;ve already boxed up my books &ndash; how much more could I need to do?</p> <h2 id="stage-2-coping--bargaining">Stage 2: Coping / Bargaining</h2> <p>Okay, there is actually a lot to do, but it&rsquo;s not so bad. I can just drop everything in the garage and focus on cleaning the apartment.</p> + + + Old Woman Yells at the Cloud + https://example.org/old-woman-yells-at-the-cloud/ + Mon, 31 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/old-woman-yells-at-the-cloud/ + <p>I recently listened to an episode of <em>Never Been a Better Podcast</em> in which Austin Walker, referencing <a href="https://twitter.com/v21/status/1490297801569353729">a Twitter thread</a> by @v21, posited that we are moving into a new era of the internet where content is generated by machines rather than people; where once the internet was used by people to access large bodies of information and to connect with <em>other</em> people, we now use it to connect with machines that regurgitate photocopies of photocopies of information.</p> + + + Media Log (July 2023) + https://example.org/media-log-july-2023/ + Sun, 30 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/media-log-july-2023/ + <p>Part of my resolution to blog more is to start a media consumption log for the year where I record what I’m reading, watching, and listening to. I&rsquo;m going to do it monthly; expect a finalized list on the last day of each month (possibly backdated).</p> <h1 id="movies">Movies</h1> <ul> <li><em>The Fast and the Furious</em> - a rewatch of a movie I watched way too much as a child and therefore have an unreasonable fondness and attachment towards. The dialogue in this movie is positively absurd (“I like the tuna here,&quot; “Welcome to Race Wars”), the homoerotic undertones bordering on overtones, and everyone in this movie (except Vince but including Jesse) is blisteringly hot. I was edified by the friend I had watched the film (not movie) with, who had never seen it, as she remarked at the end, “I get it now.” I could have done without the oil scene, however.</li> <li><em>2 Fast 2 Furious</em> – well, now it’s a marathon. <em>2 Fast 2 Furious</em> has, historically and controversially, been both my favorite sequel naming schema and overall entry in the <em>Fast</em> saga. I love the first, but this movie embraces the stupidity and over-the-top action that would go on to define the series. It manages to succeed without Vin Diesel (or any of the “family,” except for Brian, though it introduces future members) and contains some iconic (to me) scenes (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dpwl45hUQfc&amp;pp=ygUMZWplY3RvIHNlYXRv">Ejecto seato</a> and everything involving Suki). I smile constantly while watching this movie. I love it and I think it loves me back. Except for the rat scene. I could do without the rat scene.</li> <li><em>The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift</em> – I would like to say that I came to my second viewing of this movie with an open mind (I didn’t), hoping to understand the cultural revisionism of some <em>Fast</em> fans who claim that this is actually one of the best in the series (it isn’t). Somehow this movie makes drifting boring. Han is the only interesting character. There’s a character who everyone refers to as “DK” (short for “Drift King”) throughout the film and yet he is as bland and forgettable as the rest. Sean is the worst, and it is a miracle the series managed to rebound from this low. <em>Tokyo Drift</em> is the ugly step-cousin of the <em>Fast</em> series. At least the theme song slaps.</li> <li><em>Fast &amp; Furious</em> – viewed right after <em>Tokyo Drift</em> to cleanse my palate and remind me what a good movie feels like. The opening scene immediately reminds one of the highs of the <em>Fast</em> saga, and while the rest of the movie is far from the best, it is miles ahead of <em>Tokyo Drift</em>, if only because it reunites the <em>Fast</em> family and sets the pieces in place for the highs of the series to come.</li> <li><em>Fast Five</em> – a truly thrilling movie start to finish and perhaps the best of the series. Everything about this movie is fun — no rat or oil scenes to be found. Instead, just action sequences that constantly raise the stakes and delight — and, of course, the reunion of the family (sans-Letty).</li> <li><em>Fast &amp; Furious 6</em> – a middling sequel to the high point of the <em>Fast</em> series and my last rewatch; from here on out, it is all new to me. This one is watchable and certainly ranks as one of the better <em>Fast</em> movies. It chases the ragtag quality that the family had in the last movie but doesn’t hit the same notes. The movie shines when it focuses on Dom and Letty’s relationship, and the bridge scene is one of the best stupid stunts in the series.</li> <li><em>Furious 7</em> – a mostly forgettable setup and plot offset by some truly ridiculous moments that make the film, overall, enjoyable. This was a classy send-off for Paul Walker that I’m sure was emotional in the moment but is today soured by him being kind of a creep. I wish to wed the individual who came up with the Rock breaking his cast off and entering the action, the skyscraper scene, Dom running over Shaw&rsquo;s car, and, most of all, the rwrench fight. I say individual because I like to believe there is a single person responsible for this lunacy.</li> </ul> <h1 id="tv">TV</h1> <ul> <li><em>Andor</em>, season one – interesting in broad strokes, but I found it deeply problematic on an episode-to-episode basis. This felt like a movie trilogy that decided to be a television show, and it does not work as either. It may not be fair for me to levy my frustrations with cinematic universes against <em>Andor</em> (<em>Fast</em> obsession notwithstanding), but I spent much of my time with the show questioning its necessity (even as a <em>Star Wars</em> lover and a particular fan of <em>Rogue One</em>). Much of <em>Andor</em> felt like it was undercutting <em>Rogue One</em> and Jyn’s significance to the Alliance. <em>Andor</em> has compelling ideas and is competently shot and acted, with occasionally strong moments every few episodes, but it ultimately didn’t win me over. I will give a second season a try, but <em>Andor</em> disappointed me, especially given the high expectations others’ reactions gave me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="music">Music</h1> <ul> <li><em>22, a Million</em>, Bon Iver – I do not have much experience with Bon Iver outside of “Skinny Love” (which is fine), but I vaguely recall my sister playing me a song, “10 d E A T h b R E a s T ⚄ ⚄”, from_ 22, a Million_ around when it came out. Sparked by a recent conversation with her and stumbling across an article that I now cannot find about some of the controversy around the album’s release, I’ve been listening to it a fair amount. It’s an abstract, exciting album; none of the songs particularly stand out to me as Playlist Material, but that is perhaps the intention of the album: it is to be listened to in sittings, full through, not in the vacuum we have become accustomed to of random shuffles and algorithmic picks. I admire any artist that experiments with their releases and does not rest on the laurels of their hits, so initial impressions are strong, but I get the sense that this is an album that begs for the listener to reflect and decode.</li> <li><em>Never Hungover Again</em>, Joyce Manor – discovered through a Front Bottoms shuffle with “Heart Tattoo,” which is a highlight of the album for me. Never Hungover Again is a breezy listen: ten tracks, most falling between one and two minutes. I found the first five tracks mostly discardable, but the second half was much stronger with the aforementioned “Heart Tattoo,” “In the Army Now,” and “Catalina Fight Song.” Emo revival works best for me in The Front Bottoms style: catchy riffs and earnest lyrics that read like teenage LiveJournal entries.</li> </ul> <h1 id="games">Games</h1> <ul> <li><em>The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom</em> - I played a metric ton of <em>Breath of the Wild</em> and emerged with feelings ranging from ambivalent to frustrated. There was so much I loved about it and so much that just never came together (or actively frustrated me). <em>Tears of the Kingdom,</em> however, has brought me nothing but joy; it corrects every complaint I had with <em>Breath of the Wild</em> and improves upon it wholesale. I&rsquo;m far from done with the game &ndash; I think I will be playing it for some time &ndash; but so far, it is remarkable.</li> <li><em>Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza</em> - played with friends but I had the eerie suspicion I&rsquo;ve played it before but cannot place it. Fine in a group but mostly forgettable. I wouldn&rsquo;t seek it out again.</li> <li><em>Carcassonne</em> - my love, my liege. <em>Carcassonne</em> is a bastion in our household. I love it every time I play, except when I lose, which is often.</li> <li><em>The Busy Bistro</em>, <a href="https://magicpuzzlecompany.com/">Magic Puzzle Company</a> - a friend spotted this on Tik Tok and invited me over to work on it with her. Reader, I was there until three in the morning. A fantastic puzzle with charming art, done in good company.</li> </ul> + + + What's This? + https://example.org/what's-this/ + Wed, 26 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/what's-this/ + <p>Well, I have another blog.</p> <p>Welcome to <a href="https://cassie.land">cassie.land</a>, the latest (as of writing this) web project that I&rsquo;ve started and may promptly abandon.</p> <p>Here&rsquo;s the truth: These past few months have shown me the impermanence of online platforms. I have quit reddit with the third-party API shutdowns, and while I am probably better off for it, it does feel like losing one of the bastions of the internet I once knew. I regret to inform that I am officially an old person on the internet; I yearn for the days of hyper-specific Geocities pages with incredibly useful information written by a thirteen year old screaming into the void (and for the days where our search engines actually directed us to that information rather than some circuitous tripe written by AI that packs in every SEO keyword without actually saying anything).</p> + + + + https://example.org/about/ + Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/about/ + <h1 id="hi-my-name-is-cassie">hi, my name is cassie.</h1> <p>I&rsquo;m an English teacher from New York. This is the home of the esoteric bullshit that I am incomprehensibly fixated on, which includes books, video games, music, and thinking way too much about everything.</p> <p>this site is currently built using <a href="https://gohugo.io">hugo</a>. I edit my posts in Obsidian (with the help of <a href="https://github.com/ViscousPot/GitSync">GitSync</a> on mobile) and sync them to a repo on <a href="https://32bit.cafe/">32bitcafe</a>. I use Cloudflare Pages to build and serve the site. The current theme is heavily inspired by Joyce Manor&rsquo;s <em>Never Hungover Again</em>, a very good album that everyone should listen to.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/intentional-listening/index.html b/public/intentional-listening/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ec6895f --- /dev/null +++ b/public/intentional-listening/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,137 @@ + + + + + +Intentional Listening | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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Intentional Listening

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A friend of mine is a big fan of Florence + the Machine. I confessed to only really knowing (but liking) her hits, “Dog Days” and “Cosmic Love.” I asked which album she would recommend I listen to; she said How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful (2015),1 and I texted her about some of the songs on it. She asked if I was listening to the whole thing given the back to back messages; I said yes, and I started to consider how I like to consume music.

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We live in a shuffled playlist and artist mix culture.2 We collect our favorite tracks or let an algorithm serve us up suggestions of “you might like” or “this label paid for this to be fed to the masses.” I do it, too; much of my music listening is done passively, as a backdrop to other tasks that aren’t consuming my entire mental energy like driving or cleaning or unpacking (i.e. non-diegetic video game style background noise meant to go mostly unnoticed).

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TikTok is the ultimate bastardization of music listening3, as songs are reduced down to ten-second snippets replayed devoid of any context. Forget the entire album – you’re missing even just the song.

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I have made a conscious effort recently to be more intentional in my listening.

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Intentional listening, to me, focuses on albums, not just on tracks. Especially when I’m listening to something new, I try to go through the entire album in order at least once (usually more). From there, I’ll select my favorites and put them on their requisite playlists, but I think it’s critical that we focus on the entire work – not just selected pieces.

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Artists tell stories through albums. They captures moments in their lives, their artistic journeys. There are careful, deliberate choices in sequencing, relationships between tracks, and stunning transitions that we miss out on when we just play the hits.

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i had a good conversation with somebody about the struggle of the sequencing. This person told me, if every song has a purpose for it’s position them you can’t question it. I decided to give this tracklist a listen without just the musical ideas, but with exact purpose for each song. not just what i say or how it sounds, but how it makes me feel. i think my songs’ true meanings lie in the feeling they give me (or anybody listening.) so here is what happens in my album, and here is the final order. i’m not changing it. this is it. and this is why. Oh yeah, for a reason that may or may not be explained in this next novel you may decide to go and read after looking over this prologue. this whole album’s theme is birds. we will use that in every aspect. more on that later. first, enjoy… finally a method to the madness by yours truly: Malcolm James Xavier Samuel Meyers McCormick. p.s. i’m faded so some word choice may need retouching or fixing. hopefully i wrote what i was thinking correctly. hmmm, funny how difficult that is… shouldn’t we all be able to write exactly how we are feeling down on paper. Is the education system to blame? save that for my political angry rap album. anyways, that paragraph was pointless. i just wanted to create more reading for u cuz i am a horrible person. but actually read the next part.

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— Mac Miller on sequencing Watching Movies with the Sound Off

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This shift is partly why I’ve gotten into vinyl recently; it forces me to be intentional in my listening and to return to my favorite albums as entire works – not just the songs I love. I’ve tried to limit myself to buying just my favorite albums on vinyl, which is perhaps as much an economic decision as it is a personal mandate. But take, for example, Sylvan Esso’s self-titled debut album. I’ve been listening to it for years; “Coffee” and “Hey Mami” and “Dreamy Bruises” and “Dress” feature on many of my playlists, but owning the record has forced me to sit down and listen through the whole thing in a way I haven’t since I first heard it.

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Listening to records has also made music social for me. Sure, there are big Spotify playlists and end-of-year wraps shared out, but I’ve invited folks over to sit down and listen to some records – to appreciate and talk about and enjoy the albums that have meant something to us and to share them with each other.

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Intentional listening is looking at forests, not just the (proverbial) trees.

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    Passing thoughts on the album: I like it! I appreciate the range of big, bombastic tracks like “What Kind of Man” with more pared back, quiet tracks like “St. Jude.” I’d also previously associated Florence mostly with the harp, and I was surprised and delighted by the brass in particular on this album (specifically the swells of “How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful” and “Which Witch”). ↩︎

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    To be clear, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that – I don’t think there’s a wrong way to consume any art, really. ↩︎

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    At the risk of being old woman yells at cloud once again, this is maybe overly dramatic (but I do think TikTok is the root of many of society’s ills). I know TikTok has been good for the music industry in many ways. But I’ve also read accounts of artists feeling pressured by labels to create music with “TikTok moments” and I think that’s gross. ↩︎

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LITR 250 Close Reading 2E

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In the beginning of Chapter VIII in the third section of To the Lighthouse, pages 186-187, Virginia Woolf’s unique approach to perspective and introspection create a subjective presentation of reality and relationships, supported by extended metaphors of fluidity and stillness. On a boat trip mandated by Mr. Ramsay to the titular lighthouse, Cam and James anatomize and unfold their feelings towards their father. Cam evolves as the boat moves across the sea while James’s unflinching rage and violence towards the patriarch repeat in this section as the sailboat halts and space contracts to exacerbate his indignation. Woolf thus frames and explores the figure of Mr. Ramsay and the nominal motif of a journey through individual introspection and excurses. 1

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The selection picks up directly from the end of Chapter IV, shifting away from an interlude wherein Lily Briscoe works on her painting and contemplates her own relationships to both Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay, the former present in the scene with Cam and James, the latter casting a long shadow over it – James’s hatred of Mr. Ramsay was first introduced in an Oedipal fashion in the novel’s very first chapter, where James sees Mr. Ramsay as basking in “the pleasure of disillusioning his son… [and] ridicul[ing] his wife,” and James perceives his mother as “ten times better in every way than” her husband (Woolf 8). Woolf seemingly disregards flow and a coherent progression of events by bisecting the boat journey with Lily’s artistic journey; her prose instead acts more as combined snapshots from various perspectives about fraught, inscrutable figures like Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay. The boat trip is merely a device through which Woolf can open “the picture into the depths of consciousness,” i.e. James and Cam’s internal reflections about their father (Auerbach 540).

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While Cam and James were at first united in their mission to “fight tyranny to the death” during the trip to the lighthouse, tyranny being Mr. Ramsay, Cam softens on her father toward the end of Chapter IV (Woolf 167). It is no accident, then, that Chapter VIII opens with the boat still in motion and from Cam’s perspective – the movement of the boat frames the characters’ parenthetical thoughts. Cam contemplates the “green swirls and… patterns” made by her hand in the water and imagines an “underworld of waters” where “in the green light a change came over one’s entire mind” (Woolf 186). These images of fluidity and change reflect the previous excurses into Cam’s subjective reality – her thawing resistance to her father. However, when the wind suddenly calms and the boat stops moving, James stews in the same thoughts that have gripped him throughout the novel (his antipathy for his father), a kind of stillness of thought and emotion.

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Though the group’s journey halts for what amounts to little time, James’s ruminations toward his father “take up far more time in the narration than the whole scene could possibly have lasted” (Auerbach 529). For James, “everything in the whole world seemed to stand still,” and thus the progression of time and action halts to give way to his internal reflections and thought (Woolf 186). While time expands to allow for this excurses into James’s internal realities, space contracts in the “horrid calm” and he must feel the “presence” of his companions, the most odious of which is his father (Woolf 186). James spots an attitude in each of Mr. Ramsay’s page turns, which are “now assertively, now commandingly; now with the intention of making people pity him,” and of course that may be the case (Woolf 186-87). However, it is far more likely that James simply perceives these attitudes – that they are a manifestation of his resentment – and Mr. Ramsay is simply reading a book to pass the time. The passage ends with James resolving that, should his father make a quip about the boat having stopped, that he “shall take a knife and strike to the heart” (Woolf 187). James’s dedication to his compact with his sister, and his internal reality of Mr. Ramsay, thus remains constant, as does his perception of the boat ride as an act of despotism, rather than, as Cam as begun to see it, an attempt by Mr. Ramsay to reconcile the past by fulfilling a desire of the deceased Mrs. Ramsay (to go to the lighthouse) and to grow closer to his children.

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What should the reader make, then, of the boat ride and, by extension, Mr. Ramsay? Woolf offers no clear conclusion, with Cam and James at first agreeing and later diverging on both subjects through their individual “way[s] of looking at reality” (Auerbach 536). As Auerbach writes in an analysis of another passage from the novel, “we are given not merely one person whose consciousness… is rendered, but many persons” and that the reader is thus “confronted with an endeavor to investigate an objective reality” (Auerbach 536). That objective reality – the boat ride and Mr. Ramsay’s character – is not “restrained by a purpose nor directed by a specific subject of thought,” instead synthesized from multiple and, at times, competing perspectives. The “exterior events,” like the boat moving and halting and then moving again “have actually lost their hegemony,” instead serving to release “the much more significant inner process” (Auerbach 538).

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Woolf thus builds in this section additional nuance to the trip to the lighthouse and the fraught character of Mr. Ramsay. One could easily have written the events of the chapter as, “the sailboat briefly hits a calm and stops; the wind soon picks up again and James, Mr. Ramsay, Cam, et al. continue their journey to the lighthouse.” But the “common focus” of the excurses – exploring the children’s relationships to their father; Mr. Ramsay as a whole, and the meaning of the journey – instead holds the weight and meaning of this side of the third and final section of the novel (Auerbach 539). Woolf offers no explicit conclusion or objective reality – is Mr. Ramsay truly a tyrant, or not? – an impartial narrative voice being absent from the novel, but the reader nonetheless grows closer toward an understanding of characters and events in the novel through her experimentation with perspective and presentation of introspection.

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Works Cited

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Auerbach, Erich, and Willard R. Trask. Mimesis: The Representation of Reality in Western Literature - New and Expanded Edition. REV-Revised, Princeton University Press, 2003.

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Woolf, Virginia. To the Lighthouse. 1st. New York: Harcourt, 1927.

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    This post is an effort to archive and publicize some of the writing I did in college that I’m particularly proud (or at least not too ashamed) of. Specifically, this was written for an Approaches to Literature course in March of 2017. The assignment was to conduct an Auerbachian close reading analysis of a section from To the Lighthouse. I recall loathing this class and most of the texts (with the exception of To the Lighthouse, likely because I was already a fan of Woolf at the time and because I can connect to the whole resenting your dad deal). I found this paper incredibly challenging to write, as Woolf and Auerbach do not exactly exude simplicity, but I’m still proud of the end result years on. ↩︎

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Media Log (January 2024)

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TV

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  • One Tree Hill, season six and seven - I’ve been marathoning One Tree Hill on a friend’s recommendation. By this season, we are well passed the “good” seasons, but it’s still entertaining enough to watch — if only to count how many more car crashes the writers will introduce as plot lines. I think the early (1-4) seasons are a decent watch, but at this point, I’m really just seeing it through to the end. Season seven has a novelty in seeing how a show pivots after losing its main character. I don’t think OTH did so gracefully; they elevated some, generously, background characters into the main act and lumped on bunch of new ones at that. Some work better than others, but at least I’m almost at the end.
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  • Kitchen Nightmares (2023) - Years ago, I once came home to find my partner watching Kitchen Nightmares on YouTube. He’s generally not a fan of reality or competition shows, so I asked him why he was watching it. He giggled and said, “He [Gordon] just gets so mad.” That led to me also watching a bunch of the show. This month I watched a gabi belle video in which she talked about the reboot, so I dipped in too. Gordon does indeed still get mad. When watching Kitchen Nightmares, I am always thinking of how much fun the show must be to edit. The editors make liberal use of the most unhinged sound effects imaginable. It’s junk food TV, and who doesn’t love junk food?
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  • Schitt’s Creek - I’ve been casually rewatching as my background noise / take a nap on the couch TV. Still hilarious and as good as the first time.
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  • The Bachelor - Two of my friends are big fans, so I’m watching the current season with them. I’ve never seen any Bachelor properties before this; I’m mostly along for the ride. The show has yet to hit the reality TV highs that keep me looped in to shows like America’s Next Top Model or Survivor, and the whole concept still feels quite skeezy to me.
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Music

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    III, The Lumineers - I have liked some of The Lumineers’ hits for years, but a friend really loves them, so I thought I’d give III a shot. I understand it’s a concept album with stories and characters; I really haven’t delved into that. I’m unsure if that’s because I haven’t found it compelling or because I am trying to focus more on the sound rather than just the words (I’ve always been more for the latter). III sounds great; it reminds me of how much I love the piano. It’s the focal point of many songs on the album but also beautifully interspersed as a twinkly highlight or backdrop. Particular favorites are “Donna” and “My Cell.”

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    another summer (Nightcore Edition), neverknowsbest - I didnt know what nightcore was until now. neverknowsbest is a friend’s project and I really liked their debut album, so I gave this a shot. I can’t say I really “get” nightcore, but I’m constantly impressed by how talented my friends are.

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    Modal Soul, Nujabes - I’ve listened to a lot of Nujabes-adjacent and inspired acts for years now (Tycho, emancipator, aether, Little People, etc.) but never the man himself. Modal Soul had some good moments (I love “Feather”), but it was mostly background noise that bordered on repetitive. Disappointed, but I’ll try more Nujabes eventually.

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    Never Hungover Again, Joyce Manor - I love this album. It’s simple and to the point; no song overstays its welcome. Each track exists just long enough to get a catchy tune through your ears then exits gracefully. I absolutely love “Heart Tattoo” in particular, to the point where I’m actually considering getting one (maybe, sort of, not really, but also I might just).

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    Best Buds, Mom Jeans - I had high hopes for this group based on the band name and that they are often mentioned in the same breath as Joyce Manor. Best Buds was a disappointment; the only song I found somewhat tolerable was “Edward 40hands,” but the rest is plagued by cloyingly nasal vocals that drag down some pleasant guitar licks.

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last.fm listening report: https://cdn.cassie.land/lastfm/lastfm-2024-01.png

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Movies

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    Fast X - an enjoyable entry in the Fast series, and I can officially say that I’m caught up (aside from Hobbes & Shaw; maybe that will feature later on this list). It’s by far not the best Fast movie (I think that’s still Fast Five), and I don’t really care for Jason Momoa as a villain. There’s something tired and a little problematic about the “wacky sociopath” trope, but the flair for drama and action is alive and well in this film. It’s definitely the best of the post-7 films, but I can see how some might be turned off by the copious fan service and many celebrity cameos. Personally, I come to these films for cheap thrills and excess; I know what I’m in for and don’t begrudge them for indulging that.

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    Saltburn - a friend has been obsessed with this film and we finally sat down to watch it. It was horrifying (in a good way) and beautifully shot (even if I don’t love the choice to put it in 4:3). I don’t often like the movies I watch (the ones that aren’t Fast movies I guess); I hesitate to say that I liked this one so much as found it interesting and enjoyable. I don’t think I’d watch it again or recommend it to others. I appreciate that it was coherent and accessible in its themes compared to something like The Lighthouse (which I hated)1 which often feels like it is showing you weird shit just to show you weird shit. Saltburn knows the themes it wants to explore and presents then well to the audience. Barry looks way too old, though.

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    My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Crazy Rich Asians - Watched is a generous term; this was more “talked through at a friend’s house.” I’d seen the former several times already and have some affection for it. I’d not seen Crazy Rich Asians before; it didn’t really capture my interest, but then, I didn’t really try either.

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    The only thing Saltburn and The Lighthouse have in common is prominently featuring a jerk off scene, I think. ↩︎

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Media Log (August 2023)

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Movies

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  • Barbie - I was underwhelmed. There’s been lots of chatter, and I loved Lady Bird, but Barbie didn’t hit for me; too much Ken (to be the hundredth person to whine about it) and the ending felt unearned and thematically confused. This was more of an homage to Barbie as a product than it was an homage to womanhood, but it pretended to be the latter.
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Games

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  • Vampire Survivors - I originally played Vampire Survivors for my video game podcast, Pitch & Play (on hiatus but will come back!); my friend and co-host Ross recommended it to me. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I got into it given that I don’t really have nostalgia for this sort of game, but I played several hours of it and then became distracted by life. While moving this month, I was without internet for quite a while and had not hooked up my consoles (or my PC, still). To kill some time while my body recovered from lifting boxes and scrubbing surfaces, I downloaded Vampire Survivors onto my phone and went deep into it. It’s a fantastic game that I’ll come to associate with my early days in the house.
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  • Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech - I read this book originally as a child in the fifth grade. I remember loving it but little else. I have been looking for a text to add to my curriculum and wanted to try Walk Two Moons out. I enjoyed reading it and was surprised by how much of it came back to me even though I am (nearly) twenty years out from reading it the first time. I do think the Native American set dressing might be problematic given that the author is not, by any account I’ve read, actually Native; the plot is also predictable, but perhaps that is because I’m an adult reading a book written for children and because I’ve read it before. I’m not sure it’s the book I’m looking for, but it’s not a bad read.
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Media Log (July 2023)

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Part of my resolution to blog more is to start a media consumption log for the year where I record what I’m reading, watching, and listening to. I’m going to do it monthly; expect a finalized list on the last day of each month (possibly backdated).

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Movies

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  • The Fast and the Furious - a rewatch of a movie I watched way too much as a child and therefore have an unreasonable fondness and attachment towards. The dialogue in this movie is positively absurd (“I like the tuna here," “Welcome to Race Wars”), the homoerotic undertones bordering on overtones, and everyone in this movie (except Vince but including Jesse) is blisteringly hot. I was edified by the friend I had watched the film (not movie) with, who had never seen it, as she remarked at the end, “I get it now.” I could have done without the oil scene, however.
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  • 2 Fast 2 Furious – well, now it’s a marathon. 2 Fast 2 Furious has, historically and controversially, been both my favorite sequel naming schema and overall entry in the Fast saga. I love the first, but this movie embraces the stupidity and over-the-top action that would go on to define the series. It manages to succeed without Vin Diesel (or any of the “family,” except for Brian, though it introduces future members) and contains some iconic (to me) scenes (Ejecto seato and everything involving Suki). I smile constantly while watching this movie. I love it and I think it loves me back. Except for the rat scene. I could do without the rat scene.
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  • The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift – I would like to say that I came to my second viewing of this movie with an open mind (I didn’t), hoping to understand the cultural revisionism of some Fast fans who claim that this is actually one of the best in the series (it isn’t). Somehow this movie makes drifting boring. Han is the only interesting character. There’s a character who everyone refers to as “DK” (short for “Drift King”) throughout the film and yet he is as bland and forgettable as the rest. Sean is the worst, and it is a miracle the series managed to rebound from this low. Tokyo Drift is the ugly step-cousin of the Fast series. At least the theme song slaps.
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  • Fast & Furious – viewed right after Tokyo Drift to cleanse my palate and remind me what a good movie feels like. The opening scene immediately reminds one of the highs of the Fast saga, and while the rest of the movie is far from the best, it is miles ahead of Tokyo Drift, if only because it reunites the Fast family and sets the pieces in place for the highs of the series to come.
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  • Fast Five – a truly thrilling movie start to finish and perhaps the best of the series. Everything about this movie is fun — no rat or oil scenes to be found. Instead, just action sequences that constantly raise the stakes and delight — and, of course, the reunion of the family (sans-Letty).
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  • Fast & Furious 6 – a middling sequel to the high point of the Fast series and my last rewatch; from here on out, it is all new to me. This one is watchable and certainly ranks as one of the better Fast movies. It chases the ragtag quality that the family had in the last movie but doesn’t hit the same notes. The movie shines when it focuses on Dom and Letty’s relationship, and the bridge scene is one of the best stupid stunts in the series.
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  • Furious 7 – a mostly forgettable setup and plot offset by some truly ridiculous moments that make the film, overall, enjoyable. This was a classy send-off for Paul Walker that I’m sure was emotional in the moment but is today soured by him being kind of a creep. I wish to wed the individual who came up with the Rock breaking his cast off and entering the action, the skyscraper scene, Dom running over Shaw’s car, and, most of all, the rwrench fight. I say individual because I like to believe there is a single person responsible for this lunacy.
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  • Andor, season one – interesting in broad strokes, but I found it deeply problematic on an episode-to-episode basis. This felt like a movie trilogy that decided to be a television show, and it does not work as either. It may not be fair for me to levy my frustrations with cinematic universes against Andor (Fast obsession notwithstanding), but I spent much of my time with the show questioning its necessity (even as a Star Wars lover and a particular fan of Rogue One). Much of Andor felt like it was undercutting Rogue One and Jyn’s significance to the Alliance. Andor has compelling ideas and is competently shot and acted, with occasionally strong moments every few episodes, but it ultimately didn’t win me over. I will give a second season a try, but Andor disappointed me, especially given the high expectations others’ reactions gave me.
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  • 22, a Million, Bon Iver – I do not have much experience with Bon Iver outside of “Skinny Love” (which is fine), but I vaguely recall my sister playing me a song, “10 d E A T h b R E a s T ⚄ ⚄”, from_ 22, a Million_ around when it came out. Sparked by a recent conversation with her and stumbling across an article that I now cannot find about some of the controversy around the album’s release, I’ve been listening to it a fair amount. It’s an abstract, exciting album; none of the songs particularly stand out to me as Playlist Material, but that is perhaps the intention of the album: it is to be listened to in sittings, full through, not in the vacuum we have become accustomed to of random shuffles and algorithmic picks. I admire any artist that experiments with their releases and does not rest on the laurels of their hits, so initial impressions are strong, but I get the sense that this is an album that begs for the listener to reflect and decode.
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  • Never Hungover Again, Joyce Manor – discovered through a Front Bottoms shuffle with “Heart Tattoo,” which is a highlight of the album for me. Never Hungover Again is a breezy listen: ten tracks, most falling between one and two minutes. I found the first five tracks mostly discardable, but the second half was much stronger with the aforementioned “Heart Tattoo,” “In the Army Now,” and “Catalina Fight Song.” Emo revival works best for me in The Front Bottoms style: catchy riffs and earnest lyrics that read like teenage LiveJournal entries.
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Games

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  • The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom - I played a metric ton of Breath of the Wild and emerged with feelings ranging from ambivalent to frustrated. There was so much I loved about it and so much that just never came together (or actively frustrated me). Tears of the Kingdom, however, has brought me nothing but joy; it corrects every complaint I had with Breath of the Wild and improves upon it wholesale. I’m far from done with the game – I think I will be playing it for some time – but so far, it is remarkable.
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  • Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza - played with friends but I had the eerie suspicion I’ve played it before but cannot place it. Fine in a group but mostly forgettable. I wouldn’t seek it out again.
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  • Carcassonne - my love, my liege. Carcassonne is a bastion in our household. I love it every time I play, except when I lose, which is often.
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  • The Busy Bistro, Magic Puzzle Company - a friend spotted this on Tik Tok and invited me over to work on it with her. Reader, I was there until three in the morning. A fantastic puzzle with charming art, done in good company.
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Moving my home server to a new chassis

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I have a home server (running Unraid) that I use to backup computers, as media storage, and to run various apps. It’s mostly been cobbled together from used parts I found for cheap, and it generally followed Serverbuild’s NAS Killer 4 guide. It runs like a dream, and putting it together is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. More recently, with streaming sites like Netflix, Hulu, etc. cracking down on password sharing, it has become my pathway to shedding some monthly subscriptions and owning my own media.

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For years, that server has lived in an old NZXT case that I had used when I built my first PC, primarily because I had the case laying around and because it still had bays for 3.5" drives (most modern PC cases only include one or two and instead provide storage for 2.5" drives). That bulky case has been shoved away in whatever corner of my apartments I could find, but now that I own a house, I have dreams of setting up a proper server rack in a closet somewhere. My home’s basement has a strange little room that housed only the oil tank and is conveniently right below my office space, so that’s the intended home. We replaced and relocated the tank and ran electrical to it, so it’s now good to go.

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I purchased a rack mount case (Rosewill RSV-L4500U) off of the hardwareswap Discord not too long ago and intended to move the server when I had some free time. Just a few days ago, I found that one of my 6TB drives was throwing errors in Unraid. I ran a SMART test, which seemed to clear, so I thought I would start by checking the physical connections — and if I was going to have to take the server down, I might as well move it into the new case.

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Easy enough, right? I’ve been tinkering with and building PCs for over ten years now. I’m at a stage where I can put one together and confidently turn it on on the first try. There was a bit of an adjustment period to a proper server case (particularly the drive cages — I like the idea of them, but the screwless design is a proper pain in the ass), but for the most part, this was smooth sailing — at least in the context of what was to come.

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The new case

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The old server

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Transferred

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I’m normally better at straightening up the cables, but with a non-modular PSU, I don’t have a lot of options. I’ll replace it one day…

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Now, part of what I wanted to do was also replace my cache drive. I had been running it off of an old 120GB SSD which would fill up pretty easily. I had a 500GB SSD kicking around to swap to; I had thought I’d set my appdata folder to copy to my array so that I could just pop in the new drive, remove the old one, and be good to go. This was my fatal error.

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I boot up the server — first try — and see the new cache drive needs to be formatted. Great. I do so, then check my Dockers. Everything is gone.

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Oh fuck — but I can just put in the old drive, right? I do so. It is, according to Unraid, unmountable.

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Well, I had switched from an xfs file system to btrfs with the new drive. Maybe I just need to set the cache pool to accept xfs again.

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The drive is still unreadable.

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I try xfs_repair on it with no luck. I spent several hours trying all kinds of drive recovery and tricks online. Nothing.

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This resulted in me having to recreate all of my Docker containers — all of my -arr setups, my Plex configuration (including all of my playlists), etc. It took hours, but I learned my lesson: all of that is set to automatically backup now. If I’m looking for silver linings, this finally forced me to migrate from Jackett to Prowlarr, which removes a lot of manual configuration on my part; my indexers all automatically sync to Radarr, Sonarr, Lidarr, etc. It’s a pain in the ass, and something is still off with my Lidarr config, but again, lessons learned…

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A few weeks later, the supposed failed drive is running just fine and passing all checks and tests. I’m getting frequent warnings that some of the drives are running hot, so I’m planning to replace the stock fans (which I’ve read some folks online confirming that they’re awful) with Arctic P12s. Further down the line, I need to get a proper rack and run cables down to my “server room” (old furnace room in my basement) — for now, the server will continue to live on the floor of my office.

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Moving to a rack mount setup

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I wrote a post a few months ago cataloguing moving my home server from the old NZXT case I had leftover from my old PC into a Rosewill chassis that would let me, eventually, move to a proper rack setup. This past Prime Day, I purchased a Riveco 15U rack and then some sliding rails to go along with it, with the hope of finally moving the loud and hot NAS into the basement where it belongs.

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Putting together the rack was easy enough: there were a lot of screws, which is fine, but the assembly was straightforward.

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Image of the assembled rack

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We then took out the rails (iStarUSA TC-RAIL-26) to affix them to the rack and I discovered my error: I ordered 26" rails when I probably needed 20". Ah well — I ordered them from eBay and wasn’t interested in going through the return process.

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Image of a server rack with rails that are a few inches too long

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We continued through and, with just a little trouble, were able to mount the chassis within the rack and have it slide out properly. I’m indebted to SPX Labs’s YouTube video showing assembly of rails and a chassis just slightly different than mine, which was a great reference. The rack does tip when the chassis is fully extended, but that’s workable for now and will resolve when I fill the rack with other equipment.

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Image of a server mounted within a rack

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Finally, we decided we were committed for the evening and turned to routing ethernet into the basement. The room I’ve designated to be the home of the rack is the former location of our oil tank; shortly after we moved in, we had the tank replaced, as it was around 60 years old and filled with sludge. We also relocated the tank because its vent and fill caps were in the garage. The tank predated the garage — the previous owners added it on. Moving the tank left this room empty, so we now have a basement storage room that’s conveniently right under our office, where our router is also currently located.

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One day, I’d love to wire the whole house up with ethernet, but today is not that day. We got creative (or sloppy, as I’m sure any professional network folks reading this will say): there are a bunch of unused vents throughout the house. It used to have a central fan system and, for some inexplicable reason, a previous owner ripped it out and left all the vents but not the ducts.1 Many of these vents run straight through into the basement,2 including one on the floor of the office, hidden by some built-in bookcases. Joe cleverly used some string for a string trimmer to pull the cable through the vent and into the basement room through a pre-existing hole.

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Image of a cable coming through a wall

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With ethernet pulled down, the rack was ready to hook up. Right now I have the world’s shittiest surge protector down there, but I have a rack mounted surge protector en route to me. The ethernet is dangling, but again, down the line, I’ll get a proper network setup.

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Image of a server rack with an installed chassis wired up

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For now, I’ve accomplished the goal of getting the rack established and getting the server off the floor of my living spaces. I’m hopeful the cooler basement will improve the temperatures inside the chassis, too.

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    A shame, as if the ducts were still there, we could relatively easily retrofit central air conditioning. ↩︎

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    A friend of mine came over once to help assemble some furniture, removed her rings, then dropped them straight through the vent. There was a moment of panic until we realized they just fell straight down into the basement. ↩︎

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my year in lists

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I’m not a New Years Resolution person; listening to a lot of “My Year in Lists” by Los Campesinos! as a teen made me quite cynical about the whole thing.

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However, I am a very goal-oriented, reflective person. In late 2022, after years of gaining weight and developing some really negative patterns of self-talk around my body image, I decided to join a gym. Of course I’d like to see the number on the scale go down, but the main goal was just to get healthier and develop healthier habits. I started running, because that’s what I used to do (not well), and eventually convinced a friend to join with me. Together, we set the goal of running a 5K, and we did our first in May of 2023, in about 41 minutes (in our defense, it was an extremely hilly course, but also progress, progress1). We ran three more as the year went by; my most recent was November, where I finished in around 36 minutes.

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I’m still not happy with the number on the scale, but I’m also trying not to focus on it too much.

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I’ve made a new gym buddy (adding, not replacing) who is very rigid in her visits, so I’m hoping that will help me continue to progress. I’m also doing a weekly volleyball rec league with some friends. And, always, I have the oblique goal to eat healthier.2

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2023 was also the year I bought a house with my partner. We’re still unpacking, but I’m excited to finally feel rooted in one place. We’ve lived in the same general area for the last seven years, but always in apartments that left me feeling transient. I hesitated to decorate because I worried about what would happen when we moved on to a new place (case in point: I decided to break this habit and bought $500 in rugs last year; a month later, I was under contract on my house). Now that we’re in a more permanent spot, I don’t feel as much like a visitor.3

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And finally speaking of homes, I want to try to make this space my new home on the internet. I’ve had a strange relationship with the internet; I was on it near constantly as a teen. I ran a large fan forum for years, dabbled in web design and hosting, and posted regularly in a LiveJournal blog about the minutiae of high school life (no, I will not link to any of it; I’ve scrubbed a lot of it, and much of it has been lost to time, but there are traces).

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I like writing. I like journalling. I like blogging. I find them to be cathartic, to be outlets, to be mementos, and I want to commit to doing it all more often. This last year especially, I’ve grown negative in my feelings toward the internet and have been making efforts to decouple from “big” social media. But I still yearn to connect, to put my voice and words out there. This feels like the healthy path: independent, small web. A space for me, by me, controlled by me.4

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But the question has always been what to write about. I’m inspired by the calls of others (EveryoneShouldBlog.txt, Write every day), and I’ve considered taking on a challenge like #100DaysToOffload (if I do, consider this day one). But about what? And are my thoughts really that interesting? Does it even matter if they are or aren’t?

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I see blogs often by folks who are engineers and programmers and developers, writing about their web projects or how they fix problems using tech. Selection bias exists; of course those are the folks writing on the web. I’m a middle school English teacher. I never feel like that’s an interesting thing to write about, passionate as I am about it. Teacher blogs have always struck me as performative (and ugly), but given what a big piece of my life teaching is, perhaps there’s more there than I think.

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Internet privacy is important, so I’ve hesitated to blog about events of my personal life. Also, as a public space — albeit one I don’t openly advertise to friends — it feels weird and wrong to write about my personal relationships, like I’m mining the experiences I have with others for #content (I’m overthinking this) without the consent of my friends.

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And then I get caught in the idea that if I am to write something, it needs to be fully-formed, long-form thoughts. It doesn’t. Being an English major really did a number on me.5 What matters is the writing, the thinking, the reflecting — and satisfying my urge to feel heard, to catalog my life in some way.

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So: this is day one of this year. This is what I plan to do.

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    resolution one: be kinder to and more patient with myself ↩︎

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    resolution two: embrace fitness and develop healthier habits ↩︎

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    resolution three: make a home that feels like mine (decorate) ↩︎

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    resolution four: blog more; invest time in healthier spaces on the internet ↩︎

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    resolution five: short posts are okay; not everything needs to be a manifesto (yes it does, but manifestos can be short, too) ↩︎

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Old Woman Yells at the Cloud

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I recently listened to an episode of Never Been a Better Podcast in which Austin Walker, referencing a Twitter thread by @v21, posited that we are moving into a new era of the internet where content is generated by machines rather than people; where once the internet was used by people to access large bodies of information and to connect with other people, we now use it to connect with machines that regurgitate photocopies of photocopies of information.

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The transformation of the internet from a database of (somewhat) reliable information into a long game of telephone is troubling; as they discuss on that same podcast, no video game walkthrough site that ranks at the top of Google today is ever more reliable than the GameFAQs txt files filled with ASCII art that were painstakingly written by fourteen year olds, peer reviewed, and continuously revised.

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That is all true, and it is worth discussing and writing about. But I am thinking about the point of connection. I often feel that we have lost the human connection found on the internet of old.

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I don’t know how old I was exactly when I “discovered” the internet. I can remember when we got a computer. I was four or five years old, which would have been 1998 or 1999; my dad bought a PC because he was in college at the time, and our musty basement became its home. I spent time playing Gus Goes to Cyberopolis and various Reader Rabbit titles. My dad would go on to drop out of college, and when my parents split up a few years later, the PC remained and eventually made its way up to the main house. I continued with my edutainment games and graduated to doodling on MS Paint and experimenting with fonts in Microsoft Word and PowerPoint. (This, I have realized, was my first hit of the rich world of font obsession, and I have maintained that sickness into adulthood; I also started to play a lot of Solitaire, which I still do today, too.) The extent of my forays into the internet were, however, when my siblings and I browbeat my mother into allowing us to start a Neopets account and when we would watch over my older cousin’s shoulder as she browsed FunnyJunk (a proto-meme site), Albino Black Sheep, and Bored.com.

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My experiences with Neopets were short lived because I was too young and too stupid to figure out how to make money, so I couldn’t feed my Neopets and had to get food from the soup kitchens. It felt bleak; how I missed the games on Neopets, I do not know, but suffice to say that this capitalism simulator was not the stuff of thrills for elementary schoolers. The websites my cousin would browse felt a bit too risqué for me, so after a stint where I would play Cadet Kelly games on the Disney website, I eventually landed on one of the only websites I knew to be safe, trustworthy, and mom-approved: eBay.

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My mother has been an active eBay user since 1998. Most afternoons when she was home from work, she would sit at her desk and browse eBay, eventually building a decent side-income buying and selling curtains on there. eBay was a fixture in our household, and so it became my first step into online fandom. I would spend hours searching my favorite video game and book series on eBay and browse the troves of merchandise for purchase. Somewhere in my brain, I realized that there were other people out there who loved the same things as me.

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That opened the floodgates. Soon I was browsing Angelfire and Geocities fanpages, reading fanfiction, and joining message boards. I was teaching myself HTML and CSS to create personal and fan websites on Freewebs. All of this was in pursuit of connecting with other (by this point) pre-teens and teens (and some grown adults) who shared my passions. I didn’t find those same connections at school, so I sought, and found, them online.

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This so far is a rather rosy view of the early web and my time on it. I don’t mean to say that all of my interactions online were positive, and my relationship with the internet as the years went on became deeply unhealthy. I spent most of my childhood on the internet and did a lot of stupid shit on it. But the best parts of it were feeling like I was part of something – a community – and like I mattered within it – something that I was not finding in my “real” life. (I would often decry the folks who drew a line between their online lives and “irl” because, to me, the internet was my life.)

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To keep those rose-colored glasses on for a few more minutes, though, I miss that today. I miss following the webrings and reading the webmaster’s about page. I miss searching up my rare pair on Fanfiction.net and finding one (very dedicated) user churning out fics. I miss reading guestbooks and comment sections (that aren’t filled with the most hateful tripe you can imagine).

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I miss feeling like the internet was something bigger than me but that I was a part of it. I miss feeling like my voice mattered on it. I miss feeling like I wasn’t just shouting into the void; people were calling back.

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There is human connection to be found online today. Many, many folks use social media to keep up with faraway friends and family (I do, too); there are thriving Discord servers centered around fandoms and other niche internets1; and there are amazing efforts out there like the IndieWeb that seek to reclaim some of the experiences I’ve described. It all just feels too big. I took a broad step back from my once rather public (but thankfully detached from my “real” self, by which I mean my name and my face) internet persona and intentionally broke a lot of the connections I had, choosing instead to focus on college and my career and my in-person relationships. I am happier and in a better place mentally for it. But I have still, over the years, remained on social media, tried to put my voice out there in small ways (blogging and podcasting, mostly). I often question whether those attempts are a relapse, chasing the hollow highs I once felt from (very minor and within a very niche circle) internet notoriety.

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I’m choosing instead to interpret the urge as chasing after the internet that once felt useful and exciting and joyful to me rather than the one I see today, which feels like a proverbial yoke around society’s neck. I want to reclaim control of the time I spend online and the content that I choose to put onto it – rather than feed the obsessive spirals I once fell into, which have grown more and more insidious as they have corporatized and monetized and designed algorithms that provide steady streams of dopamine. I want to focus on the small: the independently run, the hyper-focused, the demonetized. The shit made by folks who are, like me, passionate and a little bored and who have a little more time than good sense.

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I think my failed attempts at blogging in the past have always come back to feeling like I didn’t have anything useful or productive to say. I was focused on the void and not on the shouting. Perhaps sometimes we need to shout to just to shout, to shout just to hear ourselves, to shout just to know that we are alive and have a voice that we can use. Otherwise, we learn to feel voiceless and alienated and disconnected, and we feed the content machines that are delivered to us rather than find our own internal power.

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This is the first time in human history wherein we can shout and be heard by millions of people across the globe with the push of a few buttons. The long-dead writers and artists I love did not have that luxury, but that didn’t stop them from shouting. I’m often caught in the anxiety that someone has already said what I’m getting at, probably in a more witty or articulate manner. Maybe or maybe not. That’s not what matters. Quiet is passive. Quiet is easy. Time to break the silence and use my voice. Connections will follow.

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    I have my issues with how communities have moved to a closed, non-indexable platform like Discord rather than open spaces like forums, but perhaps that’s a post for another day. ↩︎

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On Teaching

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This September marks the start of my fourth year teaching.

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When I was a kid, I was always interested in teaching; my grandparents had an unfinished basement that, for some reason, had a little chalkboard and table. My siblings and I would play school down there, and I loved to play the role of teacher – despite being considerably younger than them.1 I loved school, too. I loved most every subject (especially grammar – I’m one of the few children who absolutely rejoiced when asked to take out my grammar workbook) and was, at the risk of conceit, good at academics. I also read voraciously in elementary school.

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When I was in the seventh grade, I became somewhat disillusioned with English class. It entertains my students when I tell them that I absolutely hated seventh grade English, and I attribute this largely to my teacher. I don’t think she was incompetent, but she was uninspired in her approach. The texts we read were dreadful (The Cay and The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle, I am convinced, will turn any child against the field of English literature wholesale), which I know may have been beyond her control, and it was one of the first times in my schooling that I struggled to grasp concepts, namely sentence types and who/whom.2

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Eighth grade rolled around, and I had a teacher I felt I connected with in some way; I saw her as a role model and, more importantly, she encouraged me to use my voice, to share my ideas. I’ve always been opinionated (a “smartass,” in the words of one of my elementary school teachers), and those opinions always manifested around our class texts, but I never felt that I was in an open, collaborative environment that encouraged me to share those opinions. I started slow; she was a new teacher, and she would try to lead class discussions and be met with blank stares (a symptom of middle school more so than her teaching, I think). I was bored of the silence and chose, at last, to tell her that I thought The Old Man and the Sea was boring tripe and that Hemingway’s emphasis on simple, straightforward prose followed from the hyper-masculine assumption that literature should not be beautiful and artful, which is stupid.3 She smiled and challenged me on some of this, but the message was received: it was okay – encouraged, even – to not like the books teachers presented me with, and I should voice my opinions! She also was the first teacher to take us deeper into a text as we dove into the Christian allegory of the story, so that even if I didn’t personally enjoy reading the book, I could at least respect some elements of it.4 I had held onto my interest in teaching – though, being thirteen, I had a lot more teenage concerns on my mind than what I wanted to do when I “grew up” – but it gained focus that year. I thought, maybe this is what I want to do.

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High school proceeded and I had some ups and downs in my freshman and sophomore English courses.5 I also started taking technology courses now that I was actually offered electives. I was, and still am, a bona fide computer nerd; most of my teenage years were spent online6, and I just loved tinkering. I had the privilege of going to a bougie high school that offered tech classes sponsored by Cisco, which went through basic computer maintenance to fundamentals of computer networks (I learned to subnet, by hand) all the way to programming corporate routers. My teacher of those courses encouraged me, told me I had a natural ability with the technology (maybe true, but again, computer nerd – this was the sort of thing I was already doing in my free time, to an extent) and that I could have a lucrative career in it straight out of high school. He also made clear that my gender would benefit me; companies would hire me to meet diversity goals. I could reasonably expect to make in the high five-figures at an entry level if I used some of the connections he offered me.7

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As the end of high school started to loom, I was conflicted: I was passionate about both paths and could see myself in either. I had another English teacher my junior year who again connected me to the subject and stood to me as a window into what my future could be – but I also knew the teaching market was, at the time, awful for English teachers. And even if I could find a job, I could only dream of making the salary that technology offered. But I couldn’t shake the memory of how it felt to be in eighth grade, and then eleventh grade, and have a teacher who lit me up: who showed me how complex and debatable and transformative literature could be, who listened patiently as I railed against authors and texts they no doubt loved, who challenged me to find reasoning and evidence and integrate theory with my (sometimes borderline edgelord) critiques, who said to me, perhaps not in these words but in their practice, “You have a voice and that voice matters.”

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At last during senior year, I felt I had to commit. I went to my English teacher from the previous year and asked her how she chose teaching. I won’t share the details of her story – it’s her story to tell – but she described being in a very similar situation as me: torn between what seemed practical and what she was passionate about. She chose the passion.

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I did, too.

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I’m reflecting on all of this because I have been on summer break for the last month and a half now, and while it has been much needed relaxation and recuperation (and moving), at my department curriculum planning day today, I felt like myself again. A coworker brought up our staff mega millions pool, and I confess that I bought in often because I’d feel like a fool if a bunch of my coworkers won millions and I was still out here teaching. She said she would keep teaching; another coworker agreed; and I did too. We worked all day, and even when I got home, I wanted to start creating and revising curriculum, setting up my learning management system, getting ready for the start of the year.8

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I love teaching. I feel lucky to have coworkers who love it like I do. I’m going to try to remember all of this on the days when I don’t feel surrounded by coworkers who share my passions, on the days when the career is hard to love. It’s worth it.

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(I still would like to be paid more, please.)

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    Perhaps this was more control freak tendencies than love for teaching, but then, I’m not sure teaching and being a control freak are ontologically separate. ↩︎

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    I’m a big proponent of teaching grammar in context and regularly. That was not the approach that this teacher took; she spent a handful of isolated days making us do worksheets on comma splices and making us distinguish between who and whom without helping us understand why things worked as they do – and then tested us on it at the end of the week and expected it to just be seared within our memories months later despite not mentioning it ever again. ↩︎

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    Perhaps not in these words exactly, but I was getting there. ↩︎

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    I have not read The Old Man and the Sea, or really any Hemingway, since then, so I do not necessarily think these opinions hold up. But then, it really is a boring book. ↩︎

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    There are two stories I like to tell about how spite inspired me to become a teacher, and one occurred in my 10th grade English class. Another story for another post, I think; it didn’t feel like it “fit” here. ↩︎

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    Also another story for another time, but one I’m not sure I’m ready or willing to tell. ↩︎

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    I don’t resent his pointing this out, for two reasons: one, it was true, and probably still is; two, he never presented it in a way that made me uncomfortable. He was matter-of-fact about it – it was an advantage I had that I should behoove myself of, but he also was willing to discuss the challenges I would face, too, as a woman in a male-dominated field. ↩︎

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    Instead I chose to write this, which is probably the healthier option. ↩︎

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cassie.ink

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My thirtieth birthday party, the day before my actual turn from one decade to the next, was a beautiful night. My mom, both pre-emptively staking out her territory as an Italian-American grandmother and (past but an adverb?) fulfilling regrets at never having been able to throw me a childhood party, brought too much food and snacks and love — or staying up and out past the early afternoon, which is a kind of love for us; my friends, older than me in years and with busy families and schedules, brought wisdom and comfort in growing older gracefully; and my friends closer in age drove great distances to celebrate me — or at least, with me.

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The actual day passed uneventfully, cleaning and resting from the festivities, alone and at home with Joe. As the night wore on, however, I noticed, with (something something - mixed alarm, absence, desparation, and a painful normalcy) that I hadn’t heard from my dad, and I was suddenly borne ceaselessly back into the past.

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After years of baggage and mixed-up emptions, ups and downs, I’ve entered a maintenance phase in my relationship with him: I maintain the most tenuous connection I possibly can while his mother, my grandmother, is still alive, and I have planned to sever those last vestiges when she passed. I’ve entertained fleeting fancies on what would happen when he goes — how I would find out, how I would react, if I would even bother to attend or instead seize it as an opportunity to enact my triumphant revenge by never showing up.

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And yet, and yet, despite years of receiving a call on the wrong birthday, I’m back in the second grade, at an in-school Father’s Day celebration, waiting, waiting for any sign; mixed gratitude and crushing disappointment to see my maternal grandfather in my dad’s stead; and sunk lower by every playground busy-bpdy asking why my dad was so old and having to explain that it’s not actually my perfectly hale and hearty dad, who simply did not show up. I’m back in the schoolyard waiting for him — late again — to pick us up for his agreed upon custodial visits, so late the sun starts to set and a worried teacher contacts home seeing three abandoned kids who are realizing, slowly, that they are not important to their father. I’m back at my high school graduation and not bothering to invite him because I have almost two decades of experience to know the outcome, to know it’s better than to set myself up for disappointment by expecting him to show. I’m back at my college graduation, a tremendous, back-breaking accomplishment, shocked to see him show up but wishing he hadn’t as he makes it about himself: “I’m glad to see you’re not a fuck up like me.”

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I am 30. Why now, on the cusp of starting my own family — of discussing the unsexy logistics of planned conception, (lack of sufficient) maternity leave, and childcare, do I need a call from my daddy on my birthday? Why have I not learned the lesson experience has so deeply (that isn’t the right word) taught me so many times over?

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At a parent meeting for a beloved student, I sang praises about her while admiring the original: she is, in every respect — her mannerisms, dress, energy — her mother. A little shorter and less gray, but otherwise a carbon, in the ways that matter. And as I went home that evening and reflected, I wondered what in me I would pass along — those idiosyncrasies impossible to spot within oneself that would one day leave bemused teachers, friends, family to remark the same of my child and me.

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And again, the lingering seven year old in me bubbled to the surface: what in me resembled my father — and, worse yet, what of his toxic line would seep (need a stronger verb, think like an oil spill) into another generation? Have I created enough distance to avoid his influence? Is there some latent biological evil in my genetics? And what of my traumas, my inability to move past my feelings of abandonment, would I, against my best efforts, inflict on my own?

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People say girls look for their fathers in their partners. I’ve looked for the opposite. Joe is always gentle, always patient — the kind to drop everything just to be there for a friend in need. When I asked him if I had any mannerisms he thought I might pass along, he laughed and responded with a list, paramount upon which was my passion. He recalled nights at the movie theater sitting in a mostly one-sided conversation, listening to me monologue about some esoteric music bullshit and falling in love.

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I hope for my children from me passion and devotion; that they stick wholeheartedly to that which — and who — they care about. I wish for them the softness that comes from having two parents who make them feel loved, valued, important.

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Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.

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All Posts

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an ode to gitsync

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+ an-ode-to-gitsync +
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Since I moved this site to Hugo, I’ve been using an app called GitJournal to post from my phone. I have a beautiful desk setup with a clacky mechanical keyboard that’s a joy to write on, but the simple fact is that I’m a lazy shit and want to update my blog from the couch. It’s all mostly worked fine, with some headaches. I originally intended to use GitJournal to store my Github repo to my phone’s filesystem and then point an Obsidian1 vault at that.

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Reflections on elections

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2016 was the first year I was eligible to vote in a presidential election. I was away at college, so I completed an absentee ballot, and, like most, felt confident in what I thought would be the result. I was no big fan of Clinton’s — I voted for Bernie in the primaries — but the other option was laughable: I couldn’t believe that a major political party put such a clown up as their candidate, and I thought the electorate was smart enough to see him for the fraud (and fascist) he was.

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Automattic's Write Brief is, unsurprisingly, full of shit

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+ write-brief +
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Automattic recently launched their Write Brief AI assistant for folks using Jetpack with WordPress.1 It is automatically available to anyone using wordpress.com, which I verified by logging into my 14-year-old account.

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I decided to test it out on my recent post about The Basic Eight. I chose this because it’s one of my more recent posts that isn’t #week-notes . I pasted it directly into the Gutenberg editor with all of the AI settings toggled on.

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what's this? (and how it works)

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+ what's-this-(and-how-it-works) +
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Welcome to esotericbullshit.net, the new home of my blog and web stuff.

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Previously, this blog was hosted at bearblog under the domain cassie.land. Now, I’m using the SSG Hugo to create the site, which deploys to Github Pages for hosting.

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So why the move? I love bearblog and recommend it to just about anyone who wants to get into blogging and the small web — it’s dead simple for folks with no web expertise, it has an awesome community, and the discover page allows you to share your content and connect with folks also using the platform. Unfortunately, I am, at heart, a tinkerer — bearblog felt a little too easy, and a little limiting for some of the visions I have. And, ultimately, I just want to own my content and embrace new technologies and challenges.

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I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it

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Spoilers to follow.

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I wrote in my week notes:

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The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler. Handler’s Adverbs is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved Watch Your Mouth, too. I need light reprieves from The Odyssey, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler’s bibliography. I’m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It’s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler’s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.

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+ + + diff --git a/public/posts/index.xml b/public/posts/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b738ea --- /dev/null +++ b/public/posts/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,187 @@ + + + + Posts on cassie.ink + https://example.org/posts/ + Recent content in Posts on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + an ode to gitsync + https://example.org/an-ode-to-gitsync/ + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/an-ode-to-gitsync/ + <p>Since I <a href="https://esotericbullshit.net/what%27s-this-%28and-how-it-works%29/">moved this site to Hugo</a>, I&rsquo;ve been using an app called GitJournal to post from my phone. I have a beautiful desk setup with a clacky mechanical keyboard that&rsquo;s a joy to write on, but the simple fact is that I&rsquo;m a lazy shit and want to update my blog from the couch. It&rsquo;s all mostly worked fine, with some headaches. I originally intended to use GitJournal to store my Github repo to my phone&rsquo;s filesystem and then point an Obsidian<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> vault at that.</p> + + + Reflections on elections + https://example.org/reflections-on-elections/ + Thu, 07 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/reflections-on-elections/ + <p>2016 was the first year I was eligible to vote in a presidential election. I was away at college, so I completed an absentee ballot, and, like most, felt confident in what I thought would be the result. I was no big fan of Clinton&rsquo;s — I voted for Bernie in the primaries — but the other option was laughable: I couldn&rsquo;t believe that a major political party put such a clown up as their candidate, and I thought the electorate was smart enough to see him for the fraud (and fascist) he was.</p> + + + Automattic's Write Brief is, unsurprisingly, full of shit + https://example.org/write-brief/ + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/write-brief/ + <p>Automattic <a href="https://techcrunch.com/2024/08/07/automattic-launches-ai-writing-tool-that-aims-to-make-wordpress-blogs-more-readable-and-succinct/">recently launched their Write Brief AI assistant</a> for folks using Jetpack with WordPress.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> It is automatically available to anyone using wordpress.com, which I verified by logging into my 14-year-old account.</p> <p>I decided to test it out on my recent post about <em>The Basic Eight</em>. I chose this because it&rsquo;s one of my more recent posts that isn&rsquo;t #week-notes . I pasted it directly into the Gutenberg editor with all of the AI settings toggled on.</p> + + + what's this? (and how it works) + https://example.org/what's-this-(and-how-it-works)/ + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/what's-this-(and-how-it-works)/ + <p>Welcome to esotericbullshit.net, the new home of my blog and web stuff.</p> <p>Previously, this blog was hosted at bearblog under the domain cassie.land. Now, I&rsquo;m using the SSG Hugo to create the site, which deploys to Github Pages for hosting.</p> <p><strong>So why the move?</strong> I love bearblog and recommend it to just about anyone who wants to get into blogging and the small web — it&rsquo;s dead simple for folks with no web expertise, it has an awesome community, and the discover page allows you to share your content and connect with folks also using the platform. Unfortunately, I am, at heart, a tinkerer — bearblog felt a little <em>too</em> easy, and a little limiting for some of the visions I have. And, ultimately, I just want to <strong>own my content</strong> and <strong>embrace new technologies and challenges</strong>.</p> + + + I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it + https://example.org/the-basic-eight/ + Sat, 17 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/the-basic-eight/ + <p>Spoilers to follow.</p> <p>I wrote in my week notes:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong><em>The Basic Eight</em> by Daniel Handler.</strong> Handler&rsquo;s <em>Adverbs</em> is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved <em>Watch Your Mouth</em>, too. I need light reprieves from <em>The Odyssey</em>, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler&rsquo;s bibliography. I&rsquo;m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It&rsquo;s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler&rsquo;s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don&rsquo;t think I&rsquo;ve ever felt before.</p> + + + smooth runs the water where the brook is deep + https://example.org/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/ + Thu, 08 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/ + <blockquote> <p>Write a blog post about words of wisdom your younger self would have appreciated hearing. (via <a href="https://blogprompts.fyi">blogprompts</a>)<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p></blockquote> <p>I&rsquo;m trying out doing blog prompts in an effort to populate this blog with more than just weekly round-ups and to get more comfortable writing about personal things.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup></p> <p>I&rsquo;m going to select two quotes — both song lyrics — that have resonated for me.</p> <p>The first is from &ldquo;Banshee Beat&rdquo; by Animal Collective, which I first heard in my late teens (maybe 16?) and still consider one of my favorite songs.</p> + + + Moving to a rack mount setup + https://example.org/moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup/ + Fri, 02 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup/ + <p>I wrote a post a few months ago <a href="https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/">cataloguing moving my home server</a> from the old NZXT case I had leftover from my old PC into a Rosewill chassis that would let me, eventually, move to a proper rack setup. This past Prime Day, I purchased a Riveco 15U rack and then some sliding rails to go along with it, with the hope of finally moving the loud and hot NAS into the basement where it belongs.</p> + + + breaking silences + https://example.org/breaking-silences/ + Thu, 20 Jun 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/breaking-silences/ + <p><a href="https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/">Last time I updated this blog</a>, I wrote about silences in my professional career. These past few weeks, I feel I am doing the work to break mine.</p> <p>I am the faculty advisor for my middle school&rsquo;s GSA. I have been for years now, and it&rsquo;s something I&rsquo;m very proud of, but this year especially I feel I have a great crop of kids that I&rsquo;m really connecting with. At my town&rsquo;s Pride festival in early June, my club had a booth selling crafts the kids had made to raise funds. The kids filtered in and out to help sell goods, but mostly I think they just valued having a &ldquo;home base&rdquo; at the event. For me, it was a long, socially draining day, but speaking to them afterward about the experience and hearing them tell me how at home they felt at the festival, how comfortable they felt being themselves, was so gratifying.</p> + + + Your silence will not protect you + https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/ + Sun, 14 Apr 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/ + <p>I&rsquo;ve talked before on this blog about <a href="../on-teaching/">being a teacher</a> and how passionate I am about my work; the time I spend with my students — which should be paramount and where all my energy goes — comes naturally. I often remark that I feel like I&rsquo;m doing a stand-up comedy routine<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> while teaching because my goal is not only to instruct but to develop joy in learning, in reading, in writing.</p> + + + Moving my home server to a new chassis + https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/ + Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/ + <p>I have a home server (running Unraid) that I use to backup computers, as media storage, and to run various apps. It&rsquo;s mostly been cobbled together from used parts I found for cheap, and it generally followed <a href="https://forums.serverbuilds.net/t/guide-nas-killer-4-0-fast-quiet-power-efficient-and-flexible-starting-at-125/667">Serverbuild&rsquo;s NAS Killer 4 guide</a>. It runs like a dream, and putting it together is one of the best decisions I&rsquo;ve ever made. More recently, with streaming sites like Netflix, Hulu, etc. cracking down on password sharing, it has become my pathway to shedding some monthly subscriptions and owning my own media.</p> + + + Thirteen to Know Me + https://example.org/thirteen-to-know-me/ + Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/thirteen-to-know-me/ + <p>@jamesmckz <a href="https://twitter.com/jamesmckz/status/1764778536244507081">shared the following challenge on X</a> earlier this month:</p> <blockquote> <p>No cheating - your Quietus style Bakers Dozen. 13 albums (off the top of your head) to know you by. Not looking for a perfect list, looking for a list that you instantly regret posting because you then remember something else.</p></blockquote> <p>I approached my response largely as a list of albums that have meant something to me in my life — not necessarily what I&rsquo;m actively listening to at the moment. Many of these albums I&rsquo;ve not listened to much in years, but I consider them pivotal, essential listening for <em>me</em>.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p> + + + Coming Out + https://example.org/coming-out/ + Sun, 25 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/coming-out/ + <p>I read a thread online recently about bisexuality: folks were discussing use of the label compared to something like pansexual. Many folks within the LGBTQ+ umbrella argue that pansexual is a more inclusive label than bisexual, as <em>bi-</em> upholds a binary view of gender.</p> <p>My relationship with my bisexuality has been fraught. I can pinpoint in specificity where I feel it started: in the sixth grade (for me, 2005 or 2006), reading the sex ed chapter in my science textbook, I was presented with the three sexualities — heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. I had, by that point, already started puberty and experienced low-level attraction. I&rsquo;d been confused that that attraction never seemed to have a distinct target: I liked boys and I liked girls. I remember an immediate sense of comfort and belonging in the term. <em>That&rsquo;s allowed?</em>, I thought. Reading it in a textbook made it seem so simple. <em>Then surely that&rsquo;s the way to be.</em></p> + + + Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound + https://example.org/early-thoughts-on-pokemon-unbound/ + Fri, 23 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/early-thoughts-on-pokemon-unbound/ + <p>I downloaded <em>Pokémon: Unbound</em> the other day to play alongside my partner. We are both big <em>Pokémon</em> fans — like buy the new games every year fans — though my interest has waned over the last few years (I loved <em>Legends Arceus</em> and generally felt that <em>Scarlet/Violet</em> were slaps in the face<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>). I have fond memories of the classic games, and I&rsquo;ve read a lot of positive buzz about <em>Unbound</em>.</p> + + + Media Log (January 2024) + https://example.org/media-log-2024-01/ + Sun, 04 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/media-log-2024-01/ + <h1 id="tv">TV</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>One Tree Hill</em>, season six and seven</strong> - I&rsquo;ve been marathoning One Tree Hill on a friend&rsquo;s recommendation. By this season, we are well passed the &ldquo;good&rdquo; seasons, but it&rsquo;s still entertaining enough to watch — if only to count how many more car crashes the writers will introduce as plot lines. I think the early (1-4) seasons are a decent watch, but at this point, I&rsquo;m really just seeing it through to the end. Season seven has a novelty in seeing how a show pivots after losing its main character. I don&rsquo;t think <em>OTH</em> did so gracefully; they elevated some, generously, background characters into the main act and lumped on bunch of new ones at that. Some work better than others, but at least I&rsquo;m almost at the end.</li> <li><strong><em>Kitchen Nightmares</em> (2023)</strong> - Years ago, I once came home to find my partner watching <em>Kitchen Nightmares</em> on YouTube. He&rsquo;s generally not a fan of reality or competition shows, so I asked him why he was watching it. He giggled and said, &ldquo;He [Gordon] just gets so mad.&rdquo; That led to me also watching a bunch of the show. This month I watched a gabi belle video in which she talked about the reboot, so I dipped in too. Gordon does indeed still get mad. When watching <em>Kitchen Nightmares</em>, I am always thinking of how much fun the show must be to edit. The editors make liberal use of the most unhinged sound effects imaginable. It&rsquo;s junk food TV, and who doesn&rsquo;t love junk food?</li> <li><strong>Schitt&rsquo;s Creek</strong> - I&rsquo;ve been casually rewatching as my background noise / take a nap on the couch TV. Still hilarious and as good as the first time.</li> <li><strong>The Bachelor</strong> - Two of my friends are big fans, so I&rsquo;m watching the current season with them. I&rsquo;ve never seen any <em>Bachelor</em> properties before this; I&rsquo;m mostly along for the ride. The show has yet to hit the reality TV highs that keep me looped in to shows like <em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em> or <em>Survivor</em>, and the whole concept still feels quite skeezy to me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="music">Music</h1> <ul> <li> <p><strong><em>III</em>, The Lumineers</strong> - I have liked some of The Lumineers&rsquo; hits for years, but a friend really loves them, so I thought I&rsquo;d give <em>III</em> a shot. I understand it&rsquo;s a concept album with stories and characters; I really haven&rsquo;t delved into that. I&rsquo;m unsure if that&rsquo;s because I haven&rsquo;t found it compelling or because I am trying to focus more on the <em>sound</em> rather than just the words (I&rsquo;ve always been more for the latter). <em>III</em> sounds great; it reminds me of how much I love the piano. It&rsquo;s the focal point of many songs on the album but also beautifully interspersed as a twinkly highlight or backdrop. Particular favorites are &ldquo;Donna&rdquo; and &ldquo;My Cell.&rdquo;</p> + + + hate for the island + https://example.org/hate-for-the-island/ + Sun, 07 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/hate-for-the-island/ + <p>I was born and raised on Long Island in a hamlet that rests along the Great South Bay.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> Known to most as a ferry town, this charming suburb lives and breathes the ocean. Most every resident has access to some kind of boat, whether through personal ownership or advantageous friendship. In the 90s, the town was voted the &ldquo;friendliest town in America,&rdquo; a slogan that still adorns the sign as you drive into town, by a mysterious group that awards such superlatives. That accolade, along with our yacht clubs, country clubs, lack of racial diversity, and generalized fear of anything outside the norm makes the town the near picture of 1950s suburban ideal.</p> + + + my year in lists + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + Mon, 01 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + <p>I&rsquo;m not a New Years Resolution person; listening to a lot of <a href="https://loscampesinos.bandcamp.com/track/my-year-in-lists-2">&ldquo;My Year in Lists&rdquo;</a> by Los Campesinos! as a teen made me quite cynical about the whole thing.</p> <p>However, I <em>am</em> a very goal-oriented, reflective person. In late 2022, after years of gaining weight and developing some really negative patterns of self-talk around my body image, I decided to join a gym. Of course I&rsquo;d like to see the number on the scale go down, but the main goal was just to get healthier and develop healthier habits. I started running, because that&rsquo;s what I used to do (not well), and eventually convinced a friend to join with me. Together, we set the goal of running a 5K, and we did our first in May of 2023, in about 41 minutes (in our defense, it was an <em>extremely</em> hilly course, but also progress, progress<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>). We ran three more as the year went by; my most recent was November, where I finished in around 36 minutes.</p> + + + Intentional Listening + https://example.org/intentional-listening/ + Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/intentional-listening/ + <p>A friend of mine is a big fan of Florence + the Machine. I confessed to only really knowing (but liking) her hits, &ldquo;Dog Days&rdquo; and &ldquo;Cosmic Love.&rdquo; I asked which album she would recommend I listen to; she said <em>How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful</em> (2015),<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> and I texted her about some of the songs on it. She asked if I was listening to the whole thing given the back to back messages; I said yes, and I started to consider <em>how</em> I like to consume music.</p> + + + LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory + https://example.org/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/ + Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/ + <p>The lives of many literary greats remain a relative mystery; literary critics and historians are often left to piece together details from letters, documentation, and, sometimes controversially, the author&rsquo;s work read for repeated motifs. They then draw what conclusions they can about the authors&rsquo; lives. One of the most prolific female poets in the English literary canon, Emily Dickinson&rsquo;s life is preserved in letters and artifacts from her life. When examined as a body of work, Dickinson&rsquo;s poetry reveals a pattern of focus on women&rsquo;s interior lives and relationships that may be regarded as queer, especially with the added dimension of her close relationship with her sister-in-law. This essay examines a selection of her poems through a queer lens, highlighting the poems&rsquo; relationships to female love and Dickinson&rsquo;s life and arguing against established patterns of erasing Dickinson&rsquo;s queer identity.</p> + + + LITR 250 Close Reading 2E + https://example.org/litr-250-close-reading-2e/ + Tue, 19 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/litr-250-close-reading-2e/ + <p>In the beginning of Chapter VIII in the third section of <em>To the Lighthouse</em>, pages 186-187, Virginia Woolf&rsquo;s unique approach to perspective and introspection create a subjective presentation of reality and relationships, supported by extended metaphors of fluidity and stillness. On a boat trip mandated by Mr. Ramsay to the titular lighthouse, Cam and James anatomize and unfold their feelings towards their father. Cam evolves as the boat moves across the sea while James&rsquo;s unflinching rage and violence towards the patriarch repeat in this section as the sailboat halts and space contracts to exacerbate his indignation. Woolf thus frames and explores the figure of Mr. Ramsay and the nominal motif of a journey through individual introspection and excurses. <sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p> + + + Media Log (August 2023) + https://example.org/media-log-august-2023/ + Thu, 31 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/media-log-august-2023/ + <h1 id="movies">Movies</h1> <ul> <li><em>Barbie</em> - I was underwhelmed. There&rsquo;s been lots of chatter, and I loved <em>Lady Bird</em>, but <em>Barbie</em> didn&rsquo;t hit for me; too much Ken (to be the hundredth person to whine about it) and the ending felt unearned and thematically confused. This was more of an homage to <em>Barbie</em> as a product than it was an homage to womanhood, but it pretended to be the latter.</li> </ul> <h1 id="games">Games</h1> <ul> <li><em>Vampire Survivors</em> - I originally played <em>Vampire Survivors</em> for my video game podcast, <a href="https://pitchandplay.org">Pitch &amp; Play</a> (on hiatus but will come back!); my friend and co-host Ross recommended it to me. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I got into it given that I don&rsquo;t really have nostalgia for this sort of game, but I played several hours of it and then became distracted by life. While moving this month, I was without internet for quite a while and had not hooked up my consoles (or my PC, still). To kill some time while my body recovered from lifting boxes and scrubbing surfaces, I downloaded <em>Vampire Survivors</em> onto my phone and went deep into it. It&rsquo;s a fantastic game that I&rsquo;ll come to associate with my early days in the house.</li> </ul> <h1 id="books">Books</h1> <ul> <li><em>Walk Two Moons</em> by Sharon Creech - I read this book originally as a child in the fifth grade. I remember loving it but little else. I have been looking for a text to add to my curriculum and wanted to try <em>Walk Two Moons</em> out. I enjoyed reading it and was surprised by how much of it came back to me even though I am (nearly) twenty years out from reading it the first time. I do think the Native American set dressing might be problematic given that the author is not, by any account I&rsquo;ve read, actually Native; the plot is also predictable, but perhaps that is because I&rsquo;m an adult reading a book written for children and because I&rsquo;ve read it before. I&rsquo;m not sure it&rsquo;s the book I&rsquo;m looking for, but it&rsquo;s not a bad read.</li> </ul> + + + On Teaching + https://example.org/on-teaching/ + Fri, 18 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/on-teaching/ + <p>This September marks the start of my fourth year teaching.</p> <p>When I was a kid, I was always interested in teaching; my grandparents had an unfinished basement that, for some reason, had a little chalkboard and table. My siblings and I would play school down there, and I loved to play the role of teacher &ndash; despite being considerably younger than them.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I loved school, too. I loved most every subject (especially grammar &ndash; I&rsquo;m one of the few children who absolutely rejoiced when asked to take out my grammar workbook) and was, at the risk of conceit, <em>good</em> at academics. I also read voraciously in elementary school.</p> + + + Stages of Moving + https://example.org/stages-of-moving/ + Tue, 15 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/stages-of-moving/ + <h2 id="stage-1-denial--naivety">Stage 1: Denial &amp; Naivety</h2> <p>I don&rsquo;t have that much stuff. I don&rsquo;t think packing is going to be that hard this time. I&rsquo;ve already boxed up my books &ndash; how much more could I need to do?</p> <h2 id="stage-2-coping--bargaining">Stage 2: Coping / Bargaining</h2> <p>Okay, there is actually a lot to do, but it&rsquo;s not so bad. I can just drop everything in the garage and focus on cleaning the apartment.</p> + + + Old Woman Yells at the Cloud + https://example.org/old-woman-yells-at-the-cloud/ + Mon, 31 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/old-woman-yells-at-the-cloud/ + <p>I recently listened to an episode of <em>Never Been a Better Podcast</em> in which Austin Walker, referencing <a href="https://twitter.com/v21/status/1490297801569353729">a Twitter thread</a> by @v21, posited that we are moving into a new era of the internet where content is generated by machines rather than people; where once the internet was used by people to access large bodies of information and to connect with <em>other</em> people, we now use it to connect with machines that regurgitate photocopies of photocopies of information.</p> + + + Media Log (July 2023) + https://example.org/media-log-july-2023/ + Sun, 30 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/media-log-july-2023/ + <p>Part of my resolution to blog more is to start a media consumption log for the year where I record what I’m reading, watching, and listening to. I&rsquo;m going to do it monthly; expect a finalized list on the last day of each month (possibly backdated).</p> <h1 id="movies">Movies</h1> <ul> <li><em>The Fast and the Furious</em> - a rewatch of a movie I watched way too much as a child and therefore have an unreasonable fondness and attachment towards. The dialogue in this movie is positively absurd (“I like the tuna here,&quot; “Welcome to Race Wars”), the homoerotic undertones bordering on overtones, and everyone in this movie (except Vince but including Jesse) is blisteringly hot. I was edified by the friend I had watched the film (not movie) with, who had never seen it, as she remarked at the end, “I get it now.” I could have done without the oil scene, however.</li> <li><em>2 Fast 2 Furious</em> – well, now it’s a marathon. <em>2 Fast 2 Furious</em> has, historically and controversially, been both my favorite sequel naming schema and overall entry in the <em>Fast</em> saga. I love the first, but this movie embraces the stupidity and over-the-top action that would go on to define the series. It manages to succeed without Vin Diesel (or any of the “family,” except for Brian, though it introduces future members) and contains some iconic (to me) scenes (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dpwl45hUQfc&amp;pp=ygUMZWplY3RvIHNlYXRv">Ejecto seato</a> and everything involving Suki). I smile constantly while watching this movie. I love it and I think it loves me back. Except for the rat scene. I could do without the rat scene.</li> <li><em>The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift</em> – I would like to say that I came to my second viewing of this movie with an open mind (I didn’t), hoping to understand the cultural revisionism of some <em>Fast</em> fans who claim that this is actually one of the best in the series (it isn’t). Somehow this movie makes drifting boring. Han is the only interesting character. There’s a character who everyone refers to as “DK” (short for “Drift King”) throughout the film and yet he is as bland and forgettable as the rest. Sean is the worst, and it is a miracle the series managed to rebound from this low. <em>Tokyo Drift</em> is the ugly step-cousin of the <em>Fast</em> series. At least the theme song slaps.</li> <li><em>Fast &amp; Furious</em> – viewed right after <em>Tokyo Drift</em> to cleanse my palate and remind me what a good movie feels like. The opening scene immediately reminds one of the highs of the <em>Fast</em> saga, and while the rest of the movie is far from the best, it is miles ahead of <em>Tokyo Drift</em>, if only because it reunites the <em>Fast</em> family and sets the pieces in place for the highs of the series to come.</li> <li><em>Fast Five</em> – a truly thrilling movie start to finish and perhaps the best of the series. Everything about this movie is fun — no rat or oil scenes to be found. Instead, just action sequences that constantly raise the stakes and delight — and, of course, the reunion of the family (sans-Letty).</li> <li><em>Fast &amp; Furious 6</em> – a middling sequel to the high point of the <em>Fast</em> series and my last rewatch; from here on out, it is all new to me. This one is watchable and certainly ranks as one of the better <em>Fast</em> movies. It chases the ragtag quality that the family had in the last movie but doesn’t hit the same notes. The movie shines when it focuses on Dom and Letty’s relationship, and the bridge scene is one of the best stupid stunts in the series.</li> <li><em>Furious 7</em> – a mostly forgettable setup and plot offset by some truly ridiculous moments that make the film, overall, enjoyable. This was a classy send-off for Paul Walker that I’m sure was emotional in the moment but is today soured by him being kind of a creep. I wish to wed the individual who came up with the Rock breaking his cast off and entering the action, the skyscraper scene, Dom running over Shaw&rsquo;s car, and, most of all, the rwrench fight. I say individual because I like to believe there is a single person responsible for this lunacy.</li> </ul> <h1 id="tv">TV</h1> <ul> <li><em>Andor</em>, season one – interesting in broad strokes, but I found it deeply problematic on an episode-to-episode basis. This felt like a movie trilogy that decided to be a television show, and it does not work as either. It may not be fair for me to levy my frustrations with cinematic universes against <em>Andor</em> (<em>Fast</em> obsession notwithstanding), but I spent much of my time with the show questioning its necessity (even as a <em>Star Wars</em> lover and a particular fan of <em>Rogue One</em>). Much of <em>Andor</em> felt like it was undercutting <em>Rogue One</em> and Jyn’s significance to the Alliance. <em>Andor</em> has compelling ideas and is competently shot and acted, with occasionally strong moments every few episodes, but it ultimately didn’t win me over. I will give a second season a try, but <em>Andor</em> disappointed me, especially given the high expectations others’ reactions gave me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="music">Music</h1> <ul> <li><em>22, a Million</em>, Bon Iver – I do not have much experience with Bon Iver outside of “Skinny Love” (which is fine), but I vaguely recall my sister playing me a song, “10 d E A T h b R E a s T ⚄ ⚄”, from_ 22, a Million_ around when it came out. Sparked by a recent conversation with her and stumbling across an article that I now cannot find about some of the controversy around the album’s release, I’ve been listening to it a fair amount. It’s an abstract, exciting album; none of the songs particularly stand out to me as Playlist Material, but that is perhaps the intention of the album: it is to be listened to in sittings, full through, not in the vacuum we have become accustomed to of random shuffles and algorithmic picks. I admire any artist that experiments with their releases and does not rest on the laurels of their hits, so initial impressions are strong, but I get the sense that this is an album that begs for the listener to reflect and decode.</li> <li><em>Never Hungover Again</em>, Joyce Manor – discovered through a Front Bottoms shuffle with “Heart Tattoo,” which is a highlight of the album for me. Never Hungover Again is a breezy listen: ten tracks, most falling between one and two minutes. I found the first five tracks mostly discardable, but the second half was much stronger with the aforementioned “Heart Tattoo,” “In the Army Now,” and “Catalina Fight Song.” Emo revival works best for me in The Front Bottoms style: catchy riffs and earnest lyrics that read like teenage LiveJournal entries.</li> </ul> <h1 id="games">Games</h1> <ul> <li><em>The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom</em> - I played a metric ton of <em>Breath of the Wild</em> and emerged with feelings ranging from ambivalent to frustrated. There was so much I loved about it and so much that just never came together (or actively frustrated me). <em>Tears of the Kingdom,</em> however, has brought me nothing but joy; it corrects every complaint I had with <em>Breath of the Wild</em> and improves upon it wholesale. I&rsquo;m far from done with the game &ndash; I think I will be playing it for some time &ndash; but so far, it is remarkable.</li> <li><em>Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza</em> - played with friends but I had the eerie suspicion I&rsquo;ve played it before but cannot place it. Fine in a group but mostly forgettable. I wouldn&rsquo;t seek it out again.</li> <li><em>Carcassonne</em> - my love, my liege. <em>Carcassonne</em> is a bastion in our household. I love it every time I play, except when I lose, which is often.</li> <li><em>The Busy Bistro</em>, <a href="https://magicpuzzlecompany.com/">Magic Puzzle Company</a> - a friend spotted this on Tik Tok and invited me over to work on it with her. Reader, I was there until three in the morning. A fantastic puzzle with charming art, done in good company.</li> </ul> + + + What's This? + https://example.org/what's-this/ + Wed, 26 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/what's-this/ + <p>Well, I have another blog.</p> <p>Welcome to <a href="https://cassie.land">cassie.land</a>, the latest (as of writing this) web project that I&rsquo;ve started and may promptly abandon.</p> <p>Here&rsquo;s the truth: These past few months have shown me the impermanence of online platforms. I have quit reddit with the third-party API shutdowns, and while I am probably better off for it, it does feel like losing one of the bastions of the internet I once knew. I regret to inform that I am officially an old person on the internet; I yearn for the days of hyper-specific Geocities pages with incredibly useful information written by a thirteen year old screaming into the void (and for the days where our search engines actually directed us to that information rather than some circuitous tripe written by AI that packs in every SEO keyword without actually saying anything).</p> + + + diff --git a/public/posts/page/1/index.html b/public/posts/page/1/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..75439f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/posts/page/1/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + + + https://example.org/posts/ + + + + + + diff --git a/public/posts/page/2/index.html b/public/posts/page/2/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..662e378 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/posts/page/2/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,401 @@ + + + + + +Posts | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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smooth runs the water where the brook is deep

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Write a blog post about words of wisdom your younger self would have appreciated hearing. +(via blogprompts)1

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I’m trying out doing blog prompts in an effort to populate this blog with more than just weekly round-ups and to get more comfortable writing about personal things.2

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I’m going to select two quotes — both song lyrics — that have resonated for me.

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The first is from “Banshee Beat” by Animal Collective, which I first heard in my late teens (maybe 16?) and still consider one of my favorite songs.

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Moving to a rack mount setup

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I wrote a post a few months ago cataloguing moving my home server from the old NZXT case I had leftover from my old PC into a Rosewill chassis that would let me, eventually, move to a proper rack setup. This past Prime Day, I purchased a Riveco 15U rack and then some sliding rails to go along with it, with the hope of finally moving the loud and hot NAS into the basement where it belongs.

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breaking silences

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Last time I updated this blog, I wrote about silences in my professional career. These past few weeks, I feel I am doing the work to break mine.

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I am the faculty advisor for my middle school’s GSA. I have been for years now, and it’s something I’m very proud of, but this year especially I feel I have a great crop of kids that I’m really connecting with. At my town’s Pride festival in early June, my club had a booth selling crafts the kids had made to raise funds. The kids filtered in and out to help sell goods, but mostly I think they just valued having a “home base” at the event. For me, it was a long, socially draining day, but speaking to them afterward about the experience and hearing them tell me how at home they felt at the festival, how comfortable they felt being themselves, was so gratifying.

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Your silence will not protect you

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I’ve talked before on this blog about being a teacher and how passionate I am about my work; the time I spend with my students — which should be paramount and where all my energy goes — comes naturally. I often remark that I feel like I’m doing a stand-up comedy routine1 while teaching because my goal is not only to instruct but to develop joy in learning, in reading, in writing.

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Moving my home server to a new chassis

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I have a home server (running Unraid) that I use to backup computers, as media storage, and to run various apps. It’s mostly been cobbled together from used parts I found for cheap, and it generally followed Serverbuild’s NAS Killer 4 guide. It runs like a dream, and putting it together is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. More recently, with streaming sites like Netflix, Hulu, etc. cracking down on password sharing, it has become my pathway to shedding some monthly subscriptions and owning my own media.

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Thirteen to Know Me

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@jamesmckz shared the following challenge on X earlier this month:

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No cheating - your Quietus style Bakers Dozen. 13 albums (off the top of your head) to know you by. Not looking for a perfect list, looking for a list that you instantly regret posting because you then remember something else.

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I approached my response largely as a list of albums that have meant something to me in my life — not necessarily what I’m actively listening to at the moment. Many of these albums I’ve not listened to much in years, but I consider them pivotal, essential listening for me.1

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Coming Out

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I read a thread online recently about bisexuality: folks were discussing use of the label compared to something like pansexual. Many folks within the LGBTQ+ umbrella argue that pansexual is a more inclusive label than bisexual, as bi- upholds a binary view of gender.

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My relationship with my bisexuality has been fraught. I can pinpoint in specificity where I feel it started: in the sixth grade (for me, 2005 or 2006), reading the sex ed chapter in my science textbook, I was presented with the three sexualities — heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. I had, by that point, already started puberty and experienced low-level attraction. I’d been confused that that attraction never seemed to have a distinct target: I liked boys and I liked girls. I remember an immediate sense of comfort and belonging in the term. That’s allowed?, I thought. Reading it in a textbook made it seem so simple. Then surely that’s the way to be.

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Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound

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I downloaded Pokémon: Unbound the other day to play alongside my partner. We are both big Pokémon fans — like buy the new games every year fans — though my interest has waned over the last few years (I loved Legends Arceus and generally felt that Scarlet/Violet were slaps in the face1). I have fond memories of the classic games, and I’ve read a lot of positive buzz about Unbound.

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Media Log (January 2024)

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TV

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  • One Tree Hill, season six and seven - I’ve been marathoning One Tree Hill on a friend’s recommendation. By this season, we are well passed the “good” seasons, but it’s still entertaining enough to watch — if only to count how many more car crashes the writers will introduce as plot lines. I think the early (1-4) seasons are a decent watch, but at this point, I’m really just seeing it through to the end. Season seven has a novelty in seeing how a show pivots after losing its main character. I don’t think OTH did so gracefully; they elevated some, generously, background characters into the main act and lumped on bunch of new ones at that. Some work better than others, but at least I’m almost at the end.
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  • Kitchen Nightmares (2023) - Years ago, I once came home to find my partner watching Kitchen Nightmares on YouTube. He’s generally not a fan of reality or competition shows, so I asked him why he was watching it. He giggled and said, “He [Gordon] just gets so mad.” That led to me also watching a bunch of the show. This month I watched a gabi belle video in which she talked about the reboot, so I dipped in too. Gordon does indeed still get mad. When watching Kitchen Nightmares, I am always thinking of how much fun the show must be to edit. The editors make liberal use of the most unhinged sound effects imaginable. It’s junk food TV, and who doesn’t love junk food?
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  • Schitt’s Creek - I’ve been casually rewatching as my background noise / take a nap on the couch TV. Still hilarious and as good as the first time.
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  • The Bachelor - Two of my friends are big fans, so I’m watching the current season with them. I’ve never seen any Bachelor properties before this; I’m mostly along for the ride. The show has yet to hit the reality TV highs that keep me looped in to shows like America’s Next Top Model or Survivor, and the whole concept still feels quite skeezy to me.
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Music

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    III, The Lumineers - I have liked some of The Lumineers’ hits for years, but a friend really loves them, so I thought I’d give III a shot. I understand it’s a concept album with stories and characters; I really haven’t delved into that. I’m unsure if that’s because I haven’t found it compelling or because I am trying to focus more on the sound rather than just the words (I’ve always been more for the latter). III sounds great; it reminds me of how much I love the piano. It’s the focal point of many songs on the album but also beautifully interspersed as a twinkly highlight or backdrop. Particular favorites are “Donna” and “My Cell.”

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hate for the island

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I was born and raised on Long Island in a hamlet that rests along the Great South Bay.1 Known to most as a ferry town, this charming suburb lives and breathes the ocean. Most every resident has access to some kind of boat, whether through personal ownership or advantageous friendship. In the 90s, the town was voted the “friendliest town in America,” a slogan that still adorns the sign as you drive into town, by a mysterious group that awards such superlatives. That accolade, along with our yacht clubs, country clubs, lack of racial diversity, and generalized fear of anything outside the norm makes the town the near picture of 1950s suburban ideal.

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my year in lists

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I’m not a New Years Resolution person; listening to a lot of “My Year in Lists” by Los Campesinos! as a teen made me quite cynical about the whole thing.

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However, I am a very goal-oriented, reflective person. In late 2022, after years of gaining weight and developing some really negative patterns of self-talk around my body image, I decided to join a gym. Of course I’d like to see the number on the scale go down, but the main goal was just to get healthier and develop healthier habits. I started running, because that’s what I used to do (not well), and eventually convinced a friend to join with me. Together, we set the goal of running a 5K, and we did our first in May of 2023, in about 41 minutes (in our defense, it was an extremely hilly course, but also progress, progress1). We ran three more as the year went by; my most recent was November, where I finished in around 36 minutes.

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Intentional Listening

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A friend of mine is a big fan of Florence + the Machine. I confessed to only really knowing (but liking) her hits, “Dog Days” and “Cosmic Love.” I asked which album she would recommend I listen to; she said How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful (2015),1 and I texted her about some of the songs on it. She asked if I was listening to the whole thing given the back to back messages; I said yes, and I started to consider how I like to consume music.

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LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory

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The lives of many literary greats remain a relative mystery; literary critics and historians are often left to piece together details from letters, documentation, and, sometimes controversially, the author’s work read for repeated motifs. They then draw what conclusions they can about the authors’ lives. One of the most prolific female poets in the English literary canon, Emily Dickinson’s life is preserved in letters and artifacts from her life. When examined as a body of work, Dickinson’s poetry reveals a pattern of focus on women’s interior lives and relationships that may be regarded as queer, especially with the added dimension of her close relationship with her sister-in-law. This essay examines a selection of her poems through a queer lens, highlighting the poems’ relationships to female love and Dickinson’s life and arguing against established patterns of erasing Dickinson’s queer identity.

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LITR 250 Close Reading 2E

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In the beginning of Chapter VIII in the third section of To the Lighthouse, pages 186-187, Virginia Woolf’s unique approach to perspective and introspection create a subjective presentation of reality and relationships, supported by extended metaphors of fluidity and stillness. On a boat trip mandated by Mr. Ramsay to the titular lighthouse, Cam and James anatomize and unfold their feelings towards their father. Cam evolves as the boat moves across the sea while James’s unflinching rage and violence towards the patriarch repeat in this section as the sailboat halts and space contracts to exacerbate his indignation. Woolf thus frames and explores the figure of Mr. Ramsay and the nominal motif of a journey through individual introspection and excurses. 1

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Media Log (August 2023)

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Movies

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  • Barbie - I was underwhelmed. There’s been lots of chatter, and I loved Lady Bird, but Barbie didn’t hit for me; too much Ken (to be the hundredth person to whine about it) and the ending felt unearned and thematically confused. This was more of an homage to Barbie as a product than it was an homage to womanhood, but it pretended to be the latter.
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Games

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  • Vampire Survivors - I originally played Vampire Survivors for my video game podcast, Pitch & Play (on hiatus but will come back!); my friend and co-host Ross recommended it to me. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I got into it given that I don’t really have nostalgia for this sort of game, but I played several hours of it and then became distracted by life. While moving this month, I was without internet for quite a while and had not hooked up my consoles (or my PC, still). To kill some time while my body recovered from lifting boxes and scrubbing surfaces, I downloaded Vampire Survivors onto my phone and went deep into it. It’s a fantastic game that I’ll come to associate with my early days in the house.
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Books

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  • Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech - I read this book originally as a child in the fifth grade. I remember loving it but little else. I have been looking for a text to add to my curriculum and wanted to try Walk Two Moons out. I enjoyed reading it and was surprised by how much of it came back to me even though I am (nearly) twenty years out from reading it the first time. I do think the Native American set dressing might be problematic given that the author is not, by any account I’ve read, actually Native; the plot is also predictable, but perhaps that is because I’m an adult reading a book written for children and because I’ve read it before. I’m not sure it’s the book I’m looking for, but it’s not a bad read.
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On Teaching

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This September marks the start of my fourth year teaching.

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When I was a kid, I was always interested in teaching; my grandparents had an unfinished basement that, for some reason, had a little chalkboard and table. My siblings and I would play school down there, and I loved to play the role of teacher – despite being considerably younger than them.1 I loved school, too. I loved most every subject (especially grammar – I’m one of the few children who absolutely rejoiced when asked to take out my grammar workbook) and was, at the risk of conceit, good at academics. I also read voraciously in elementary school.

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Stages of Moving

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Stage 1: Denial & Naivety

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I don’t have that much stuff. I don’t think packing is going to be that hard this time. I’ve already boxed up my books – how much more could I need to do?

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Stage 2: Coping / Bargaining

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Okay, there is actually a lot to do, but it’s not so bad. I can just drop everything in the garage and focus on cleaning the apartment.

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Old Woman Yells at the Cloud

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I recently listened to an episode of Never Been a Better Podcast in which Austin Walker, referencing a Twitter thread by @v21, posited that we are moving into a new era of the internet where content is generated by machines rather than people; where once the internet was used by people to access large bodies of information and to connect with other people, we now use it to connect with machines that regurgitate photocopies of photocopies of information.

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Media Log (July 2023)

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Part of my resolution to blog more is to start a media consumption log for the year where I record what I’m reading, watching, and listening to. I’m going to do it monthly; expect a finalized list on the last day of each month (possibly backdated).

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Movies

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  • The Fast and the Furious - a rewatch of a movie I watched way too much as a child and therefore have an unreasonable fondness and attachment towards. The dialogue in this movie is positively absurd (“I like the tuna here," “Welcome to Race Wars”), the homoerotic undertones bordering on overtones, and everyone in this movie (except Vince but including Jesse) is blisteringly hot. I was edified by the friend I had watched the film (not movie) with, who had never seen it, as she remarked at the end, “I get it now.” I could have done without the oil scene, however.
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  • 2 Fast 2 Furious – well, now it’s a marathon. 2 Fast 2 Furious has, historically and controversially, been both my favorite sequel naming schema and overall entry in the Fast saga. I love the first, but this movie embraces the stupidity and over-the-top action that would go on to define the series. It manages to succeed without Vin Diesel (or any of the “family,” except for Brian, though it introduces future members) and contains some iconic (to me) scenes (Ejecto seato and everything involving Suki). I smile constantly while watching this movie. I love it and I think it loves me back. Except for the rat scene. I could do without the rat scene.
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  • The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift – I would like to say that I came to my second viewing of this movie with an open mind (I didn’t), hoping to understand the cultural revisionism of some Fast fans who claim that this is actually one of the best in the series (it isn’t). Somehow this movie makes drifting boring. Han is the only interesting character. There’s a character who everyone refers to as “DK” (short for “Drift King”) throughout the film and yet he is as bland and forgettable as the rest. Sean is the worst, and it is a miracle the series managed to rebound from this low. Tokyo Drift is the ugly step-cousin of the Fast series. At least the theme song slaps.
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  • Fast & Furious – viewed right after Tokyo Drift to cleanse my palate and remind me what a good movie feels like. The opening scene immediately reminds one of the highs of the Fast saga, and while the rest of the movie is far from the best, it is miles ahead of Tokyo Drift, if only because it reunites the Fast family and sets the pieces in place for the highs of the series to come.
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  • Fast Five – a truly thrilling movie start to finish and perhaps the best of the series. Everything about this movie is fun — no rat or oil scenes to be found. Instead, just action sequences that constantly raise the stakes and delight — and, of course, the reunion of the family (sans-Letty).
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  • Fast & Furious 6 – a middling sequel to the high point of the Fast series and my last rewatch; from here on out, it is all new to me. This one is watchable and certainly ranks as one of the better Fast movies. It chases the ragtag quality that the family had in the last movie but doesn’t hit the same notes. The movie shines when it focuses on Dom and Letty’s relationship, and the bridge scene is one of the best stupid stunts in the series.
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  • Furious 7 – a mostly forgettable setup and plot offset by some truly ridiculous moments that make the film, overall, enjoyable. This was a classy send-off for Paul Walker that I’m sure was emotional in the moment but is today soured by him being kind of a creep. I wish to wed the individual who came up with the Rock breaking his cast off and entering the action, the skyscraper scene, Dom running over Shaw’s car, and, most of all, the rwrench fight. I say individual because I like to believe there is a single person responsible for this lunacy.
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TV

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  • Andor, season one – interesting in broad strokes, but I found it deeply problematic on an episode-to-episode basis. This felt like a movie trilogy that decided to be a television show, and it does not work as either. It may not be fair for me to levy my frustrations with cinematic universes against Andor (Fast obsession notwithstanding), but I spent much of my time with the show questioning its necessity (even as a Star Wars lover and a particular fan of Rogue One). Much of Andor felt like it was undercutting Rogue One and Jyn’s significance to the Alliance. Andor has compelling ideas and is competently shot and acted, with occasionally strong moments every few episodes, but it ultimately didn’t win me over. I will give a second season a try, but Andor disappointed me, especially given the high expectations others’ reactions gave me.
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Music

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  • 22, a Million, Bon Iver – I do not have much experience with Bon Iver outside of “Skinny Love” (which is fine), but I vaguely recall my sister playing me a song, “10 d E A T h b R E a s T ⚄ ⚄”, from_ 22, a Million_ around when it came out. Sparked by a recent conversation with her and stumbling across an article that I now cannot find about some of the controversy around the album’s release, I’ve been listening to it a fair amount. It’s an abstract, exciting album; none of the songs particularly stand out to me as Playlist Material, but that is perhaps the intention of the album: it is to be listened to in sittings, full through, not in the vacuum we have become accustomed to of random shuffles and algorithmic picks. I admire any artist that experiments with their releases and does not rest on the laurels of their hits, so initial impressions are strong, but I get the sense that this is an album that begs for the listener to reflect and decode.
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  • Never Hungover Again, Joyce Manor – discovered through a Front Bottoms shuffle with “Heart Tattoo,” which is a highlight of the album for me. Never Hungover Again is a breezy listen: ten tracks, most falling between one and two minutes. I found the first five tracks mostly discardable, but the second half was much stronger with the aforementioned “Heart Tattoo,” “In the Army Now,” and “Catalina Fight Song.” Emo revival works best for me in The Front Bottoms style: catchy riffs and earnest lyrics that read like teenage LiveJournal entries.
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Games

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  • The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom - I played a metric ton of Breath of the Wild and emerged with feelings ranging from ambivalent to frustrated. There was so much I loved about it and so much that just never came together (or actively frustrated me). Tears of the Kingdom, however, has brought me nothing but joy; it corrects every complaint I had with Breath of the Wild and improves upon it wholesale. I’m far from done with the game – I think I will be playing it for some time – but so far, it is remarkable.
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  • Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza - played with friends but I had the eerie suspicion I’ve played it before but cannot place it. Fine in a group but mostly forgettable. I wouldn’t seek it out again.
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  • Carcassonne - my love, my liege. Carcassonne is a bastion in our household. I love it every time I play, except when I lose, which is often.
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  • The Busy Bistro, Magic Puzzle Company - a friend spotted this on Tik Tok and invited me over to work on it with her. Reader, I was there until three in the morning. A fantastic puzzle with charming art, done in good company.
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What's This?

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Well, I have another blog.

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Welcome to cassie.land, the latest (as of writing this) web project that I’ve started and may promptly abandon.

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Here’s the truth: These past few months have shown me the impermanence of online platforms. I have quit reddit with the third-party API shutdowns, and while I am probably better off for it, it does feel like losing one of the bastions of the internet I once knew. I regret to inform that I am officially an old person on the internet; I yearn for the days of hyper-specific Geocities pages with incredibly useful information written by a thirteen year old screaming into the void (and for the days where our search engines actually directed us to that information rather than some circuitous tripe written by AI that packs in every SEO keyword without actually saying anything).

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+ + + diff --git a/public/posts/post-1/index.html b/public/posts/post-1/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe86061 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/posts/post-1/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,61 @@ + + + + + +it comes back to me like pieces of a dream i cant remember and i dont think you took a breath | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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cassie.ink

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it comes back to me like pieces of a dream i cant remember and i dont think you took a breath

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Tempor proident minim aliquip reprehenderit dolor et ad anim Lorem duis sint eiusmod. Labore ut ea duis dolor. Incididunt consectetur proident qui occaecat incididunt do nisi Lorem. Tempor do laborum elit laboris excepteur eiusmod do. Eiusmod nisi excepteur ut amet pariatur adipisicing Lorem.

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Occaecat nulla excepteur dolore excepteur duis eiusmod ullamco officia anim in voluptate ea occaecat officia. Cillum sint esse velit ea officia minim fugiat. Elit ea esse id aliquip pariatur cupidatat id duis minim incididunt ea ea. Anim ut duis sunt nisi. Culpa cillum sit voluptate voluptate eiusmod dolor. Enim nisi Lorem ipsum irure est excepteur voluptate eu in enim nisi. Nostrud ipsum Lorem anim sint labore consequat do.

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Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.

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cassie.ink

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then i wonder why she sleeps with my friends

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Anim eiusmod irure incididunt sint cupidatat. Incididunt irure irure irure nisi ipsum do ut quis fugiat consectetur proident cupidatat incididunt cillum. Dolore voluptate occaecat qui mollit laborum ullamco et. Ipsum laboris officia anim laboris culpa eiusmod ex magna ex cupidatat anim ipsum aute. Mollit aliquip occaecat qui sunt velit ut cupidatat reprehenderit enim sunt laborum. Velit veniam in officia nulla adipisicing ut duis officia.

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Exercitation voluptate irure in irure tempor mollit Lorem nostrud ad officia. Velit id fugiat occaecat do tempor. Sit officia Lorem aliquip eu deserunt consectetur. Aute proident deserunt in nulla aliquip dolore ipsum Lorem ut cupidatat consectetur sit sint laborum. Esse cupidatat sit sint sunt tempor exercitation deserunt. Labore dolor duis laborum est do nisi ut veniam dolor et nostrud nostrud.

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Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.

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+ + diff --git a/public/posts/post-3/bryce-canyon.jpg b/public/posts/post-3/bryce-canyon.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000..9a923bea0d182c65213ad3a105fa05f61c881976 GIT binary patch literal 19224 zcmb4qWl-K+)NRlQx8gilad&rjcP;KvT#HMKI}|DI?oM%ccXusboZI)#y))n6ZznmE zWS!YrvrjVFCwt{%`C}VEla-W_1Rx*)0OH>Qe5?Ut04y{N3=A~vzXk*g3xY>QfQN&F z|AdT!h>HCQ2M7BT78Wi684)f%DLxh!5e+dZIRzCp6)qtiBON6p86_3ve@-A^K_GZI zcnkyt3`#sKJj(yIeRKopaKJDGJro2w0ErF(g%0u24}kyign{^v?*BJv2uLUxSO5g~ z4;4WJAR(ZjAfaI(p`l=5A)$bOAOMXHgF(t70{cnD81u7JU_5IsnW$+rAFe+(cX(V_l1hZgzt zSq0OWRn;jl_hS`6`Un04&;cP}JskLB5C($xJ%;F26Gl8tTnzZ+3kc|YPeZ*9+~xI00}&38O#;fMEdXumB=tfEyoBwgz^DQ4o*;Y87F`24#>v zCd8WWF;vsbjFJ16Hz4mb4Km#fz+~zK+-HQrkbiSP-x?rRRD=mzeXXFH1BKxa5diBX zWvFjE%hOQ&bN`Ohfv=fX5MgTnceir&JxLn{qO*h$0m?_k1QT?Rsf`NpCILueK2JmS zzDz>}{lBf79oR0O4FE&j<$!>pMu3sv*$TpOYfcz}E9PGe{AGdjX15$@s^w`&i-1p* z0iT?5px3R0NloRUH#ZxAEK~2<9JJxSPUcVJHh>6e4ho7jkQ;s>i~uiC0u?UwkJ-q( 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Reflections on elections

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2016 was the first year I was eligible to vote in a presidential election. I was away at college, so I completed an absentee ballot, and, like most, felt confident in what I thought would be the result. I was no big fan of Clinton’s — I voted for Bernie in the primaries — but the other option was laughable: I couldn’t believe that a major political party put such a clown up as their candidate, and I thought the electorate was smart enough to see him for the fraud (and fascist) he was.

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On the night of Tuesday, November 8th, I had a Diversity in Education class at 5:30pm. I enjoyed the class; it was mostly discussion-based, encouraging future educators to consider how they might be more inclusive and equitable in their practices. The curriculum was not as aggressive as I might have liked — I had cut my teeth as a teen on leftist circles of tumblr, so by comparison, the concept of considering diversity beyond celebrating and recognizing Black History Month was pretty banal. Even so, I was glad to be in a room with (mostly) like-minded people eager to make kids feel seen and hard.

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The class was held in my college’s education building, which was built partially into a hill. The front of the building is a stunning wall of open windows that frame the mountain-facing campus. At the rear of the building, where my class met, we had no windows — and, critically, no cell reception.

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The twenty of us entered our silo unbothered, calm, sure of the forthcoming election results. Like most of our class meetings, there was an energy of optimism: we were all excited to begin our careers as teachers; believed we would inspire real social change by raising conscientious, justice-oriented young people; envisioned beginning our adult lives under the first female president, albeit a problematic white lady. Progress, even though it was slow, felt possible.

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An hour and a half into class, we were let out on a short break — people splintered off to use the restroom, grab something from the vending machines, stretch their legs, and check their phones.

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The mood instantaneously soured as we lit up our screens and laid witness to the dismal reality. Smiling faces became shocked and grave. Our professor fruitlessly tried to pull us back together, but eventually acknowledged that we could never pivot back to where we had been. From here, there was no going back. We fed each other election copium, insisted that this was only a red mirage, that the needle would tick left as the night went on. We ended class early, and we exited that room different people than when we had first gone in. I walked back to my car, panicked and dejected.

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To borrow a cliche, I woke up the next morning absolutely certain that I was caught in a dream — that I had imagined the night before and was waking in a world where, in a few short months, a woman would lead the country. With mixed hesitation and optimism, I reached to the TV tray I was using as a nightstand, woke up my phone, and was yanked into the new reality before me.

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This year, my partner and I voted early, and as we walked out of the polling place, he remarked, “I don’t want to jinx anything, but we might have just voted for the first black woman president.” I waffled, not out of superstition but from experience. I had learned to be careful with my heart.

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Election day came around like a blur; I almost forgot it was a scheduled date, having voted almost two weeks before. I stayed away from news reports, early polling; I heard rumblings from some about Ann Selzer and young voter turnout and bomb threats, but I mentally enforced my 2016 bomb shelter: no phone, no election news, no gossip with coworkers. I needed to get through the school day.

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On the way home, I stopped at a friend’s house to pick up some donations she had for my school’s GSA. We kept it light; the first polls hadn’t closed yet, so there was nothing much to say beyond speculation. Her husband’s words echoed my partner’s: “It’s still early to tell, and I don’t want to jinx anything, but early polls look good.” I hoped he was right, but I resisted optimism. Hope doesn’t change a coin flip.

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My mental state deteriorated as I went home. A friend messaged me in panic around 6:30, but I told her it was way too early to react. I went about my normal routine — shower, eat dinner, spend time with my cats — but I finally couldn’t resist any more. I looked at my phone. I saw the numbers.

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I browsed the internet frenetically, looking for any salve internet pundits could offer. When I saw Pennsylvania with 85% of votes counted, I knew the race was sealed.

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A few days have passed. I feel the same: emotionally distraught, unable to focus on my work, simmering rage, immeasurable grief.

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I mourn for my loved ones: my trans brother; my friend with undocumented parents; my friend who has struggled with infertility and miscarriages.

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I mourn for my future: the children I want to have but now question — how can I responsibly, ethically, lovingly bring a child into this?

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I mourn for the career that I love, that challenges children to think for themselves, to question authority, to collaborate with each other — all of which will come under attack in the years to come.

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I mourn for my students, twelve years old and without hope that there is a good world waiting for them.

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I mourn for the people placed in real, present danger by the hate of the coming administration — the deportations; the genocide; the lack of access to health care, housing, food; the worldwide dominos knocked backward into fascism by the bumbling hands of a barely-lucid fascist and a self-interested, deluded, resentful electorate.

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I wish I had words about continuing the fight, about not losing hope. Right now, the grief is too much. Four years sounds easy, but this is a lifetime of Supreme Court appointments. Damage is swift, explosive; repair takes generations. Right now, it all feels like too much.

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2024-12-15T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/016/ + 2024-12-08T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/an-ode-to-gitsync/ + 2024-12-01T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/meta/ + 2024-12-01T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/015/ + 2024-12-01T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/tech/ + 2024-12-01T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/014/ + 2024-11-24T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/life/ + 2024-11-07T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/politics/ + 2024-11-07T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/reflections-on-elections/ + 2024-11-07T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/013/ + 2024-10-20T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/012/ + 2024-10-13T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/011/ + 2024-10-06T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/010/ + 2024-09-22T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/009/ + 2024-09-15T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/008/ + 2024-09-08T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/007/ + 2024-09-01T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/ai/ + 2024-08-28T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/write-brief/ + 2024-08-28T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/internet/ + 2024-08-28T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/what's-this-(and-how-it-works)/ + 2024-08-28T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/006/ + 2024-08-26T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/005/ + 2024-08-18T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/the-basic-eight/ + 2024-08-17T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/literature/ + 2024-08-17T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/004/ + 2024-08-11T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/music/ + 2024-08-08T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/prompts/ + 2024-08-08T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/ + 2024-08-08T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/003/ + 2024-08-04T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/home/ + 2024-08-02T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup/ + 2024-08-02T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/002/ + 2024-07-28T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/week-notes/001/ + 2024-07-21T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/breaking-silences/ + 2024-06-20T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/teaching/ + 2024-06-20T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/ + 2024-04-14T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/ + 2024-03-10T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/thirteen-to-know-me/ + 2024-03-10T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/coming-out/ + 2024-02-25T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/early-thoughts-on-pokemon-unbound/ + 2024-02-23T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/games/ + 2024-02-23T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/pokemon/ + 2024-02-23T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/media-log-2024-01/ + 2024-02-04T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/media-log/ + 2024-02-04T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/hate-for-the-island/ + 2024-01-07T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/exercise/ + 2024-01-01T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + 2024-01-01T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/intentional-listening/ + 2023-12-28T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/ + 2023-12-28T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/tags/undergrad/ + 2023-12-28T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/litr-250-close-reading-2e/ + 2023-09-19T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/media-log-august-2023/ + 2023-08-31T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/on-teaching/ + 2023-08-18T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/stages-of-moving/ + 2023-08-15T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/old-woman-yells-at-the-cloud/ + 2023-07-31T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/media-log-july-2023/ + 2023-07-30T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/what's-this/ + 2023-07-26T00:00:00+00:00 + + https://example.org/about/ + + https://example.org/categories/ + + diff --git a/public/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/index.html b/public/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..407b4a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,157 @@ + + + + + +smooth runs the water where the brook is deep | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
+

+ + cassie + + ink + +

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smooth runs the water where the brook is deep

+ +
+ smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep +
+ +
+

Write a blog post about words of wisdom your younger self would have appreciated hearing. +(via blogprompts)1

+

I’m trying out doing blog prompts in an effort to populate this blog with more than just weekly round-ups and to get more comfortable writing about personal things.2

+

I’m going to select two quotes — both song lyrics — that have resonated for me.

+

The first is from “Banshee Beat” by Animal Collective, which I first heard in my late teens (maybe 16?) and still consider one of my favorite songs.

+
+

Either way you look at it,

+

You have your fits

+

I have my fits

+

But feeling is good

+

My childhood was rife with trauma surrounding my parents’ divorce and the ensuing fallout. All through it, I refused to talk to anyone about any of it — and I needed to. It wasn’t until I was 20 years old, with my current partner, that I ever vocalized how it all made me feel. I have healed (some, or at least scarred over) since, but I still feel the aftershocks. In times of stress or great emotion, I clam up and shut down. I return to stasis because I perceive it as safety — and avoid letting emotion in. I’m continuing to work on it and push through, but hearing “Banshee Beat” was an inflection point. The song opens as a quiet whisper and crescendos into jubilant emotion. I’m still working toward that joyful ending, but “Banshee Beat” was the first step out of the dark. It shook me awake and forced me to accept that my stoicism was a defense — that I had to allow myself to feel emotions instead of avoiding them. In order to experience the good, I had to let in the bad, to process it, let it wash over me, and come out unburdened. I’d have my fits, but feeling is good.

+

The next lyric comes from “2009” by Mac Miller, off his album Swimming.

+
+

Okay, you’ve got to jump in to swim

+

The light was dim in this life of sin

+

Now every day I wake up and breathe

+

I don’t have it all but that’s alright with me

+

There’s a lot of beauty to be found in the lyrics to “2009” (and Swimming as a whole), but I’m going to focus here for now — and specifically on the opening line. The meaning here is clear, and not far off from the message in “Banshee Beat”: we have to open ourselves up to the unknown to live fully, and often that choice is a leap of faith. We will never fully know what lies below, so all we can do is take a chance and jump in.

+

I’m realizing now that both songs use referencing jumping in and swimming — “Banshee Beat” opens with the line “Oh there’ll be time to get by, to get dry, after the swimming pool,” and the chorus goes,

+
+

So I duck out, go down to find the swimming pool

+

Hop a fence, leave the street and wet your feet to find the swimming pool

+

‘Cause when I’m snuffed out, I doubt I’ll find a swimming pool

+

Hop a fence, leave the street and wet your feet to find the swimming pool

+

Water and swimming is, of course, a motif within Mac Miller’s Swimming. I’m realizing lately that it reoccurs in my life, too; in the music I like, both lyrically and in feeling, impact.

+

I believe I found both of these songs when I needed to and that they may not have had the impact they did had I heard them at a different point in my life — so to return to the prompt, I think they are words of wisdom that my younger self could have used to hear, but I would perhaps not have been ready for them. Perhaps I simply needed to hear that there were smoother waters ahead.

+
+
+
    +
  1. +

    The original prompt had a typo that I corrected, so it’s not verbatim, but it’s close enough. ↩︎

    +
    2. +
  2. +

    My favorite bloggers are folks like Veronique, who captures these fleeting vignettes of her daily life, and passerine, who writes with such sharp insight and beauty. That’s the sort of person I’d like to be. ↩︎

    +
    3. +
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+ +
+ +
+ + +
+ + + diff --git a/public/stages-of-moving/index.html b/public/stages-of-moving/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..462cc17 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/stages-of-moving/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,129 @@ + + + + + +Stages of Moving | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + cassie + + ink + +

+ + + + +
+
+ +
+ + + + +

Stages of Moving

+ +
+ stages-of-moving +
+ +

Stage 1: Denial & Naivety

+

I don’t have that much stuff. I don’t think packing is going to be that hard this time. I’ve already boxed up my books – how much more could I need to do?

+

Stage 2: Coping / Bargaining

+

Okay, there is actually a lot to do, but it’s not so bad. I can just drop everything in the garage and focus on cleaning the apartment.

+

Stage 3: False Hope

+

I hired movers for two and a half hours and they did a hell of a job. I’m almost done, I think to myself, foolishly.

+

Stage 4: Penance

+

All of my muscles are strained and it is manifesting as pain in my sternum, so I am now convinced that I am having a stress-induced heart event as some kind of cosmic payment for my earlier insolence.

+

Stage 5: False Hope Revisited

+

Everything has made it to the new location! There is an end in sight! I can rest a little and allow myself to heal!

+

Stage 6: Humiliation, to Bring Me Back to My Lowered Station

+

Everything is in boxes and so I can’t do simple tasks like cook or get dressed. I spend the day wearing a bathing suit instead of a bra. I still have no internet and all I want is to watch a season of Survivor so I can feel some shred of normalcy.

+

Stage 7: Menial Physical Labor to Remind Myself That I Am a Maggot to Be Crushed under God’s Cruel Toe

+

I have to wash every dish before putting it away because I have brain worms and I decided, like a fool, to wait to install a dishwasher. I am constantly bent over to unpack boxes or clean something. The mountain of Shit in Boxes never gets smaller. Things will never be normal again.

+

Stage 8: Regret & (Hopefully Figurative) Self-Immolation

+

Who was I to think I deserved a nice place to live? What gave me these wild aspirations, this sense of entitlement? Who do I think I am?

+

Stage 9: Which Appears to Me Only in the Realm of Dreams

+

I am unpacked and life is normal again.

+ + + +
+ +
+ +
+ + +
+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/ai/index.html b/public/tags/ai/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..eaa1b2b --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/ai/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + + + + + +Ai | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
+

+ + cassie + + ink + +

+ + + + +
+
+ +

All posts tagged with + + + Ai + +

+ + + + + +
+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/ai/index.xml b/public/tags/ai/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b26a28a --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/ai/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + + + Ai on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/ai/ + Recent content in Ai on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + Automattic's Write Brief is, unsurprisingly, full of shit + https://example.org/write-brief/ + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/write-brief/ + <p>Automattic <a href="https://techcrunch.com/2024/08/07/automattic-launches-ai-writing-tool-that-aims-to-make-wordpress-blogs-more-readable-and-succinct/">recently launched their Write Brief AI assistant</a> for folks using Jetpack with WordPress.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> It is automatically available to anyone using wordpress.com, which I verified by logging into my 14-year-old account.</p> <p>I decided to test it out on my recent post about <em>The Basic Eight</em>. I chose this because it&rsquo;s one of my more recent posts that isn&rsquo;t #week-notes . I pasted it directly into the Gutenberg editor with all of the AI settings toggled on.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/blue/index.html b/public/tags/blue/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c84d8a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/blue/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ + + + + + +Blue | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
+

cassie.ink

+ + + + +
+
+ +

Blue

+ + +

NEVER HUNGOVER AGAIN

+ + +
+
+

Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.

+ +
+ + diff --git a/public/tags/blue/index.xml b/public/tags/blue/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..734ccda --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/blue/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + + + Blue on cassie.ink + http://localhost:1313/tags/blue/ + Recent content in Blue on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Wed, 15 Mar 2023 11:00:00 -0700 + + + NEVER HUNGOVER AGAIN + http://localhost:1313/posts/post-3/ + Wed, 15 Mar 2023 11:00:00 -0700 + http://localhost:1313/posts/post-3/ + <p>Occaecat aliqua consequat laborum ut ex aute aliqua culpa quis irure esse magna dolore quis. Proident fugiat labore eu laboris officia Lorem enim. Ipsum occaecat cillum ut tempor id sint aliqua incididunt nisi incididunt reprehenderit. Voluptate ad minim sint est aute aliquip esse occaecat tempor officia qui sunt. Aute ex ipsum id ut in est velit est laborum incididunt. Aliqua qui id do esse sunt eiusmod id deserunt eu nostrud aute sit ipsum. Deserunt esse cillum Lorem non magna adipisicing mollit amet consequat.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/exercise/index.html b/public/tags/exercise/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6f28071 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/exercise/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + + + + + +Exercise | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
+

+ + cassie + + ink + +

+ + + + +
+
+ +

All posts tagged with + + + Exercise + +

+ + + + + +
+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/exercise/index.xml b/public/tags/exercise/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..26592fa --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/exercise/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + + + Exercise on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/exercise/ + Recent content in Exercise on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Mon, 01 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + my year in lists + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + Mon, 01 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + <p>I&rsquo;m not a New Years Resolution person; listening to a lot of <a href="https://loscampesinos.bandcamp.com/track/my-year-in-lists-2">&ldquo;My Year in Lists&rdquo;</a> by Los Campesinos! as a teen made me quite cynical about the whole thing.</p> <p>However, I <em>am</em> a very goal-oriented, reflective person. In late 2022, after years of gaining weight and developing some really negative patterns of self-talk around my body image, I decided to join a gym. Of course I&rsquo;d like to see the number on the scale go down, but the main goal was just to get healthier and develop healthier habits. I started running, because that&rsquo;s what I used to do (not well), and eventually convinced a friend to join with me. Together, we set the goal of running a 5K, and we did our first in May of 2023, in about 41 minutes (in our defense, it was an <em>extremely</em> hilly course, but also progress, progress<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>). We ran three more as the year went by; my most recent was November, where I finished in around 36 minutes.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/games/index.html b/public/tags/games/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8237b89 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/games/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + + + + + +Games | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
+

+ + cassie + + ink + +

+ + + + +
+
+ +

All posts tagged with + + + Games + +

+ + + + + +
+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/games/index.xml b/public/tags/games/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e7d8281 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/games/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + + + Games on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/games/ + Recent content in Games on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Fri, 23 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound + https://example.org/early-thoughts-on-pokemon-unbound/ + Fri, 23 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/early-thoughts-on-pokemon-unbound/ + <p>I downloaded <em>Pokémon: Unbound</em> the other day to play alongside my partner. We are both big <em>Pokémon</em> fans — like buy the new games every year fans — though my interest has waned over the last few years (I loved <em>Legends Arceus</em> and generally felt that <em>Scarlet/Violet</em> were slaps in the face<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>). I have fond memories of the classic games, and I&rsquo;ve read a lot of positive buzz about <em>Unbound</em>.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/green/index.html b/public/tags/green/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9609682 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/green/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,49 @@ + + + + + +Green | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
+

cassie.ink

+ + + + +
+
+ +

Green

+ + +

NEVER HUNGOVER AGAIN

+ + +
+
+

Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.

+ +
+ + diff --git a/public/tags/green/index.xml b/public/tags/green/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8f4509a --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/green/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + + + Green on cassie.ink + http://localhost:1313/tags/green/ + Recent content in Green on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Wed, 15 Mar 2023 11:00:00 -0700 + + + NEVER HUNGOVER AGAIN + http://localhost:1313/posts/post-3/ + Wed, 15 Mar 2023 11:00:00 -0700 + http://localhost:1313/posts/post-3/ + <p>Occaecat aliqua consequat laborum ut ex aute aliqua culpa quis irure esse magna dolore quis. Proident fugiat labore eu laboris officia Lorem enim. Ipsum occaecat cillum ut tempor id sint aliqua incididunt nisi incididunt reprehenderit. Voluptate ad minim sint est aute aliquip esse occaecat tempor officia qui sunt. Aute ex ipsum id ut in est velit est laborum incididunt. Aliqua qui id do esse sunt eiusmod id deserunt eu nostrud aute sit ipsum. Deserunt esse cillum Lorem non magna adipisicing mollit amet consequat.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/home/index.html b/public/tags/home/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2ef6f21 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/home/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,108 @@ + + + + + +Home | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
+

+ + cassie + + ink + +

+ + + + +
+
+ +

All posts tagged with + + + Home + +

+ + + + + + + +
+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/home/index.xml b/public/tags/home/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..38953b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/home/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ + + + + Home on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/home/ + Recent content in Home on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Fri, 02 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + Moving to a rack mount setup + https://example.org/moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup/ + Fri, 02 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup/ + <p>I wrote a post a few months ago <a href="https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/">cataloguing moving my home server</a> from the old NZXT case I had leftover from my old PC into a Rosewill chassis that would let me, eventually, move to a proper rack setup. This past Prime Day, I purchased a Riveco 15U rack and then some sliding rails to go along with it, with the hope of finally moving the loud and hot NAS into the basement where it belongs.</p> + + + Moving my home server to a new chassis + https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/ + Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/ + <p>I have a home server (running Unraid) that I use to backup computers, as media storage, and to run various apps. It&rsquo;s mostly been cobbled together from used parts I found for cheap, and it generally followed <a href="https://forums.serverbuilds.net/t/guide-nas-killer-4-0-fast-quiet-power-efficient-and-flexible-starting-at-125/667">Serverbuild&rsquo;s NAS Killer 4 guide</a>. It runs like a dream, and putting it together is one of the best decisions I&rsquo;ve ever made. More recently, with streaming sites like Netflix, Hulu, etc. cracking down on password sharing, it has become my pathway to shedding some monthly subscriptions and owning my own media.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/index.html b/public/tags/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..90e970f --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,123 @@ + + + + + +Tags | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
+

+ + cassie + + ink + +

+ + + + +
+
+ +

Tags

+ + +

Week-Notes

+ +

Meta

+ +

Tech

+ +

Life

+ +

Politics

+ +

Ai

+ +

Internet

+ +

Literature

+ +

Music

+ +

Prompts

+ +

Home

+ +

Teaching

+ +

Games

+ +

Pokemon

+ +

Media-Log

+ +

Exercise

+ +

Undergrad

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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/index.xml b/public/tags/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1be578c --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,131 @@ + + + + Tags on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/ + Recent content in Tags on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Sun, 23 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + + + Week-Notes + https://example.org/tags/week-notes/ + Sun, 23 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/week-notes/ + + + + Meta + https://example.org/tags/meta/ + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/meta/ + + + + Tech + https://example.org/tags/tech/ + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/tech/ + + + + Life + https://example.org/tags/life/ + Thu, 07 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/life/ + + + + Politics + https://example.org/tags/politics/ + Thu, 07 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/politics/ + + + + Ai + https://example.org/tags/ai/ + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/ai/ + + + + Internet + https://example.org/tags/internet/ + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/internet/ + + + + Literature + https://example.org/tags/literature/ + Sat, 17 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/literature/ + + + + Music + https://example.org/tags/music/ + Thu, 08 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/music/ + + + + Prompts + https://example.org/tags/prompts/ + Thu, 08 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/prompts/ + + + + Home + https://example.org/tags/home/ + Fri, 02 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/home/ + + + + Teaching + https://example.org/tags/teaching/ + Thu, 20 Jun 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/teaching/ + + + + Games + https://example.org/tags/games/ + Fri, 23 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/games/ + + + + Pokemon + https://example.org/tags/pokemon/ + Fri, 23 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/pokemon/ + + + + Media-Log + https://example.org/tags/media-log/ + Sun, 04 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/media-log/ + + + + Exercise + https://example.org/tags/exercise/ + Mon, 01 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/exercise/ + + + + Undergrad + https://example.org/tags/undergrad/ + Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/tags/undergrad/ + + + + diff --git a/public/tags/internet/index.html b/public/tags/internet/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6dd8672 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/internet/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,115 @@ + + + + + +Internet | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/internet/index.xml b/public/tags/internet/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5a482f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/internet/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,33 @@ + + + + Internet on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/internet/ + Recent content in Internet on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + Automattic's Write Brief is, unsurprisingly, full of shit + https://example.org/write-brief/ + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/write-brief/ + <p>Automattic <a href="https://techcrunch.com/2024/08/07/automattic-launches-ai-writing-tool-that-aims-to-make-wordpress-blogs-more-readable-and-succinct/">recently launched their Write Brief AI assistant</a> for folks using Jetpack with WordPress.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> It is automatically available to anyone using wordpress.com, which I verified by logging into my 14-year-old account.</p> <p>I decided to test it out on my recent post about <em>The Basic Eight</em>. I chose this because it&rsquo;s one of my more recent posts that isn&rsquo;t #week-notes . I pasted it directly into the Gutenberg editor with all of the AI settings toggled on.</p> + + + my year in lists + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + Mon, 01 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + <p>I&rsquo;m not a New Years Resolution person; listening to a lot of <a href="https://loscampesinos.bandcamp.com/track/my-year-in-lists-2">&ldquo;My Year in Lists&rdquo;</a> by Los Campesinos! as a teen made me quite cynical about the whole thing.</p> <p>However, I <em>am</em> a very goal-oriented, reflective person. In late 2022, after years of gaining weight and developing some really negative patterns of self-talk around my body image, I decided to join a gym. Of course I&rsquo;d like to see the number on the scale go down, but the main goal was just to get healthier and develop healthier habits. I started running, because that&rsquo;s what I used to do (not well), and eventually convinced a friend to join with me. Together, we set the goal of running a 5K, and we did our first in May of 2023, in about 41 minutes (in our defense, it was an <em>extremely</em> hilly course, but also progress, progress<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>). We ran three more as the year went by; my most recent was November, where I finished in around 36 minutes.</p> + + + Old Woman Yells at the Cloud + https://example.org/old-woman-yells-at-the-cloud/ + Mon, 31 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/old-woman-yells-at-the-cloud/ + <p>I recently listened to an episode of <em>Never Been a Better Podcast</em> in which Austin Walker, referencing <a href="https://twitter.com/v21/status/1490297801569353729">a Twitter thread</a> by @v21, posited that we are moving into a new era of the internet where content is generated by machines rather than people; where once the internet was used by people to access large bodies of information and to connect with <em>other</em> people, we now use it to connect with machines that regurgitate photocopies of photocopies of information.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/life/index.html b/public/tags/life/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..67f6668 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/life/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,171 @@ + + + + + +Life | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/life/index.xml b/public/tags/life/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..38cab7b --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/life/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,89 @@ + + + + Life on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/life/ + Recent content in Life on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Thu, 07 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + Reflections on elections + https://example.org/reflections-on-elections/ + Thu, 07 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/reflections-on-elections/ + <p>2016 was the first year I was eligible to vote in a presidential election. I was away at college, so I completed an absentee ballot, and, like most, felt confident in what I thought would be the result. I was no big fan of Clinton&rsquo;s — I voted for Bernie in the primaries — but the other option was laughable: I couldn&rsquo;t believe that a major political party put such a clown up as their candidate, and I thought the electorate was smart enough to see him for the fraud (and fascist) he was.</p> + + + smooth runs the water where the brook is deep + https://example.org/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/ + Thu, 08 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/ + <blockquote> <p>Write a blog post about words of wisdom your younger self would have appreciated hearing. (via <a href="https://blogprompts.fyi">blogprompts</a>)<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p></blockquote> <p>I&rsquo;m trying out doing blog prompts in an effort to populate this blog with more than just weekly round-ups and to get more comfortable writing about personal things.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup></p> <p>I&rsquo;m going to select two quotes — both song lyrics — that have resonated for me.</p> <p>The first is from &ldquo;Banshee Beat&rdquo; by Animal Collective, which I first heard in my late teens (maybe 16?) and still consider one of my favorite songs.</p> + + + Moving to a rack mount setup + https://example.org/moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup/ + Fri, 02 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup/ + <p>I wrote a post a few months ago <a href="https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/">cataloguing moving my home server</a> from the old NZXT case I had leftover from my old PC into a Rosewill chassis that would let me, eventually, move to a proper rack setup. This past Prime Day, I purchased a Riveco 15U rack and then some sliding rails to go along with it, with the hope of finally moving the loud and hot NAS into the basement where it belongs.</p> + + + breaking silences + https://example.org/breaking-silences/ + Thu, 20 Jun 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/breaking-silences/ + <p><a href="https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/">Last time I updated this blog</a>, I wrote about silences in my professional career. These past few weeks, I feel I am doing the work to break mine.</p> <p>I am the faculty advisor for my middle school&rsquo;s GSA. I have been for years now, and it&rsquo;s something I&rsquo;m very proud of, but this year especially I feel I have a great crop of kids that I&rsquo;m really connecting with. At my town&rsquo;s Pride festival in early June, my club had a booth selling crafts the kids had made to raise funds. The kids filtered in and out to help sell goods, but mostly I think they just valued having a &ldquo;home base&rdquo; at the event. For me, it was a long, socially draining day, but speaking to them afterward about the experience and hearing them tell me how at home they felt at the festival, how comfortable they felt being themselves, was so gratifying.</p> + + + Your silence will not protect you + https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/ + Sun, 14 Apr 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/ + <p>I&rsquo;ve talked before on this blog about <a href="../on-teaching/">being a teacher</a> and how passionate I am about my work; the time I spend with my students — which should be paramount and where all my energy goes — comes naturally. I often remark that I feel like I&rsquo;m doing a stand-up comedy routine<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> while teaching because my goal is not only to instruct but to develop joy in learning, in reading, in writing.</p> + + + Moving my home server to a new chassis + https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/ + Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/ + <p>I have a home server (running Unraid) that I use to backup computers, as media storage, and to run various apps. It&rsquo;s mostly been cobbled together from used parts I found for cheap, and it generally followed <a href="https://forums.serverbuilds.net/t/guide-nas-killer-4-0-fast-quiet-power-efficient-and-flexible-starting-at-125/667">Serverbuild&rsquo;s NAS Killer 4 guide</a>. It runs like a dream, and putting it together is one of the best decisions I&rsquo;ve ever made. More recently, with streaming sites like Netflix, Hulu, etc. cracking down on password sharing, it has become my pathway to shedding some monthly subscriptions and owning my own media.</p> + + + Thirteen to Know Me + https://example.org/thirteen-to-know-me/ + Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/thirteen-to-know-me/ + <p>@jamesmckz <a href="https://twitter.com/jamesmckz/status/1764778536244507081">shared the following challenge on X</a> earlier this month:</p> <blockquote> <p>No cheating - your Quietus style Bakers Dozen. 13 albums (off the top of your head) to know you by. Not looking for a perfect list, looking for a list that you instantly regret posting because you then remember something else.</p></blockquote> <p>I approached my response largely as a list of albums that have meant something to me in my life — not necessarily what I&rsquo;m actively listening to at the moment. Many of these albums I&rsquo;ve not listened to much in years, but I consider them pivotal, essential listening for <em>me</em>.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p> + + + Coming Out + https://example.org/coming-out/ + Sun, 25 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/coming-out/ + <p>I read a thread online recently about bisexuality: folks were discussing use of the label compared to something like pansexual. Many folks within the LGBTQ+ umbrella argue that pansexual is a more inclusive label than bisexual, as <em>bi-</em> upholds a binary view of gender.</p> <p>My relationship with my bisexuality has been fraught. I can pinpoint in specificity where I feel it started: in the sixth grade (for me, 2005 or 2006), reading the sex ed chapter in my science textbook, I was presented with the three sexualities — heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. I had, by that point, already started puberty and experienced low-level attraction. I&rsquo;d been confused that that attraction never seemed to have a distinct target: I liked boys and I liked girls. I remember an immediate sense of comfort and belonging in the term. <em>That&rsquo;s allowed?</em>, I thought. Reading it in a textbook made it seem so simple. <em>Then surely that&rsquo;s the way to be.</em></p> + + + hate for the island + https://example.org/hate-for-the-island/ + Sun, 07 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/hate-for-the-island/ + <p>I was born and raised on Long Island in a hamlet that rests along the Great South Bay.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> Known to most as a ferry town, this charming suburb lives and breathes the ocean. Most every resident has access to some kind of boat, whether through personal ownership or advantageous friendship. In the 90s, the town was voted the &ldquo;friendliest town in America,&rdquo; a slogan that still adorns the sign as you drive into town, by a mysterious group that awards such superlatives. That accolade, along with our yacht clubs, country clubs, lack of racial diversity, and generalized fear of anything outside the norm makes the town the near picture of 1950s suburban ideal.</p> + + + my year in lists + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + Mon, 01 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + <p>I&rsquo;m not a New Years Resolution person; listening to a lot of <a href="https://loscampesinos.bandcamp.com/track/my-year-in-lists-2">&ldquo;My Year in Lists&rdquo;</a> by Los Campesinos! as a teen made me quite cynical about the whole thing.</p> <p>However, I <em>am</em> a very goal-oriented, reflective person. In late 2022, after years of gaining weight and developing some really negative patterns of self-talk around my body image, I decided to join a gym. Of course I&rsquo;d like to see the number on the scale go down, but the main goal was just to get healthier and develop healthier habits. I started running, because that&rsquo;s what I used to do (not well), and eventually convinced a friend to join with me. Together, we set the goal of running a 5K, and we did our first in May of 2023, in about 41 minutes (in our defense, it was an <em>extremely</em> hilly course, but also progress, progress<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>). We ran three more as the year went by; my most recent was November, where I finished in around 36 minutes.</p> + + + Stages of Moving + https://example.org/stages-of-moving/ + Tue, 15 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/stages-of-moving/ + <h2 id="stage-1-denial--naivety">Stage 1: Denial &amp; Naivety</h2> <p>I don&rsquo;t have that much stuff. I don&rsquo;t think packing is going to be that hard this time. I&rsquo;ve already boxed up my books &ndash; how much more could I need to do?</p> <h2 id="stage-2-coping--bargaining">Stage 2: Coping / Bargaining</h2> <p>Okay, there is actually a lot to do, but it&rsquo;s not so bad. I can just drop everything in the garage and focus on cleaning the apartment.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/literature/index.html b/public/tags/literature/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..56d880a --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/literature/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,115 @@ + + + + + +Literature | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/literature/index.xml b/public/tags/literature/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c7ce582 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/literature/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,33 @@ + + + + Literature on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/literature/ + Recent content in Literature on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Sat, 17 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it + https://example.org/the-basic-eight/ + Sat, 17 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/the-basic-eight/ + <p>Spoilers to follow.</p> <p>I wrote in my week notes:</p> <blockquote> <p><strong><em>The Basic Eight</em> by Daniel Handler.</strong> Handler&rsquo;s <em>Adverbs</em> is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved <em>Watch Your Mouth</em>, too. I need light reprieves from <em>The Odyssey</em>, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler&rsquo;s bibliography. I&rsquo;m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It&rsquo;s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler&rsquo;s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don&rsquo;t think I&rsquo;ve ever felt before.</p> + + + LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory + https://example.org/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/ + Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/ + <p>The lives of many literary greats remain a relative mystery; literary critics and historians are often left to piece together details from letters, documentation, and, sometimes controversially, the author&rsquo;s work read for repeated motifs. They then draw what conclusions they can about the authors&rsquo; lives. One of the most prolific female poets in the English literary canon, Emily Dickinson&rsquo;s life is preserved in letters and artifacts from her life. When examined as a body of work, Dickinson&rsquo;s poetry reveals a pattern of focus on women&rsquo;s interior lives and relationships that may be regarded as queer, especially with the added dimension of her close relationship with her sister-in-law. This essay examines a selection of her poems through a queer lens, highlighting the poems&rsquo; relationships to female love and Dickinson&rsquo;s life and arguing against established patterns of erasing Dickinson&rsquo;s queer identity.</p> + + + LITR 250 Close Reading 2E + https://example.org/litr-250-close-reading-2e/ + Tue, 19 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/litr-250-close-reading-2e/ + <p>In the beginning of Chapter VIII in the third section of <em>To the Lighthouse</em>, pages 186-187, Virginia Woolf&rsquo;s unique approach to perspective and introspection create a subjective presentation of reality and relationships, supported by extended metaphors of fluidity and stillness. On a boat trip mandated by Mr. Ramsay to the titular lighthouse, Cam and James anatomize and unfold their feelings towards their father. Cam evolves as the boat moves across the sea while James&rsquo;s unflinching rage and violence towards the patriarch repeat in this section as the sailboat halts and space contracts to exacerbate his indignation. Woolf thus frames and explores the figure of Mr. Ramsay and the nominal motif of a journey through individual introspection and excurses. <sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/media-log/index.html b/public/tags/media-log/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3a65ce3 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/media-log/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,115 @@ + + + + + +Media-Log | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/media-log/index.xml b/public/tags/media-log/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4ba7549 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/media-log/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,33 @@ + + + + Media-Log on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/media-log/ + Recent content in Media-Log on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Sun, 04 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + Media Log (January 2024) + https://example.org/media-log-2024-01/ + Sun, 04 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/media-log-2024-01/ + <h1 id="tv">TV</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>One Tree Hill</em>, season six and seven</strong> - I&rsquo;ve been marathoning One Tree Hill on a friend&rsquo;s recommendation. By this season, we are well passed the &ldquo;good&rdquo; seasons, but it&rsquo;s still entertaining enough to watch — if only to count how many more car crashes the writers will introduce as plot lines. I think the early (1-4) seasons are a decent watch, but at this point, I&rsquo;m really just seeing it through to the end. Season seven has a novelty in seeing how a show pivots after losing its main character. I don&rsquo;t think <em>OTH</em> did so gracefully; they elevated some, generously, background characters into the main act and lumped on bunch of new ones at that. Some work better than others, but at least I&rsquo;m almost at the end.</li> <li><strong><em>Kitchen Nightmares</em> (2023)</strong> - Years ago, I once came home to find my partner watching <em>Kitchen Nightmares</em> on YouTube. He&rsquo;s generally not a fan of reality or competition shows, so I asked him why he was watching it. He giggled and said, &ldquo;He [Gordon] just gets so mad.&rdquo; That led to me also watching a bunch of the show. This month I watched a gabi belle video in which she talked about the reboot, so I dipped in too. Gordon does indeed still get mad. When watching <em>Kitchen Nightmares</em>, I am always thinking of how much fun the show must be to edit. The editors make liberal use of the most unhinged sound effects imaginable. It&rsquo;s junk food TV, and who doesn&rsquo;t love junk food?</li> <li><strong>Schitt&rsquo;s Creek</strong> - I&rsquo;ve been casually rewatching as my background noise / take a nap on the couch TV. Still hilarious and as good as the first time.</li> <li><strong>The Bachelor</strong> - Two of my friends are big fans, so I&rsquo;m watching the current season with them. I&rsquo;ve never seen any <em>Bachelor</em> properties before this; I&rsquo;m mostly along for the ride. The show has yet to hit the reality TV highs that keep me looped in to shows like <em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em> or <em>Survivor</em>, and the whole concept still feels quite skeezy to me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="music">Music</h1> <ul> <li> <p><strong><em>III</em>, The Lumineers</strong> - I have liked some of The Lumineers&rsquo; hits for years, but a friend really loves them, so I thought I&rsquo;d give <em>III</em> a shot. I understand it&rsquo;s a concept album with stories and characters; I really haven&rsquo;t delved into that. I&rsquo;m unsure if that&rsquo;s because I haven&rsquo;t found it compelling or because I am trying to focus more on the <em>sound</em> rather than just the words (I&rsquo;ve always been more for the latter). <em>III</em> sounds great; it reminds me of how much I love the piano. It&rsquo;s the focal point of many songs on the album but also beautifully interspersed as a twinkly highlight or backdrop. Particular favorites are &ldquo;Donna&rdquo; and &ldquo;My Cell.&rdquo;</p> + + + Media Log (August 2023) + https://example.org/media-log-august-2023/ + Thu, 31 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/media-log-august-2023/ + <h1 id="movies">Movies</h1> <ul> <li><em>Barbie</em> - I was underwhelmed. There&rsquo;s been lots of chatter, and I loved <em>Lady Bird</em>, but <em>Barbie</em> didn&rsquo;t hit for me; too much Ken (to be the hundredth person to whine about it) and the ending felt unearned and thematically confused. This was more of an homage to <em>Barbie</em> as a product than it was an homage to womanhood, but it pretended to be the latter.</li> </ul> <h1 id="games">Games</h1> <ul> <li><em>Vampire Survivors</em> - I originally played <em>Vampire Survivors</em> for my video game podcast, <a href="https://pitchandplay.org">Pitch &amp; Play</a> (on hiatus but will come back!); my friend and co-host Ross recommended it to me. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I got into it given that I don&rsquo;t really have nostalgia for this sort of game, but I played several hours of it and then became distracted by life. While moving this month, I was without internet for quite a while and had not hooked up my consoles (or my PC, still). To kill some time while my body recovered from lifting boxes and scrubbing surfaces, I downloaded <em>Vampire Survivors</em> onto my phone and went deep into it. It&rsquo;s a fantastic game that I&rsquo;ll come to associate with my early days in the house.</li> </ul> <h1 id="books">Books</h1> <ul> <li><em>Walk Two Moons</em> by Sharon Creech - I read this book originally as a child in the fifth grade. I remember loving it but little else. I have been looking for a text to add to my curriculum and wanted to try <em>Walk Two Moons</em> out. I enjoyed reading it and was surprised by how much of it came back to me even though I am (nearly) twenty years out from reading it the first time. I do think the Native American set dressing might be problematic given that the author is not, by any account I&rsquo;ve read, actually Native; the plot is also predictable, but perhaps that is because I&rsquo;m an adult reading a book written for children and because I&rsquo;ve read it before. I&rsquo;m not sure it&rsquo;s the book I&rsquo;m looking for, but it&rsquo;s not a bad read.</li> </ul> + + + Media Log (July 2023) + https://example.org/media-log-july-2023/ + Sun, 30 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/media-log-july-2023/ + <p>Part of my resolution to blog more is to start a media consumption log for the year where I record what I’m reading, watching, and listening to. I&rsquo;m going to do it monthly; expect a finalized list on the last day of each month (possibly backdated).</p> <h1 id="movies">Movies</h1> <ul> <li><em>The Fast and the Furious</em> - a rewatch of a movie I watched way too much as a child and therefore have an unreasonable fondness and attachment towards. The dialogue in this movie is positively absurd (“I like the tuna here,&quot; “Welcome to Race Wars”), the homoerotic undertones bordering on overtones, and everyone in this movie (except Vince but including Jesse) is blisteringly hot. I was edified by the friend I had watched the film (not movie) with, who had never seen it, as she remarked at the end, “I get it now.” I could have done without the oil scene, however.</li> <li><em>2 Fast 2 Furious</em> – well, now it’s a marathon. <em>2 Fast 2 Furious</em> has, historically and controversially, been both my favorite sequel naming schema and overall entry in the <em>Fast</em> saga. I love the first, but this movie embraces the stupidity and over-the-top action that would go on to define the series. It manages to succeed without Vin Diesel (or any of the “family,” except for Brian, though it introduces future members) and contains some iconic (to me) scenes (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dpwl45hUQfc&amp;pp=ygUMZWplY3RvIHNlYXRv">Ejecto seato</a> and everything involving Suki). I smile constantly while watching this movie. I love it and I think it loves me back. Except for the rat scene. I could do without the rat scene.</li> <li><em>The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift</em> – I would like to say that I came to my second viewing of this movie with an open mind (I didn’t), hoping to understand the cultural revisionism of some <em>Fast</em> fans who claim that this is actually one of the best in the series (it isn’t). Somehow this movie makes drifting boring. Han is the only interesting character. There’s a character who everyone refers to as “DK” (short for “Drift King”) throughout the film and yet he is as bland and forgettable as the rest. Sean is the worst, and it is a miracle the series managed to rebound from this low. <em>Tokyo Drift</em> is the ugly step-cousin of the <em>Fast</em> series. At least the theme song slaps.</li> <li><em>Fast &amp; Furious</em> – viewed right after <em>Tokyo Drift</em> to cleanse my palate and remind me what a good movie feels like. The opening scene immediately reminds one of the highs of the <em>Fast</em> saga, and while the rest of the movie is far from the best, it is miles ahead of <em>Tokyo Drift</em>, if only because it reunites the <em>Fast</em> family and sets the pieces in place for the highs of the series to come.</li> <li><em>Fast Five</em> – a truly thrilling movie start to finish and perhaps the best of the series. Everything about this movie is fun — no rat or oil scenes to be found. Instead, just action sequences that constantly raise the stakes and delight — and, of course, the reunion of the family (sans-Letty).</li> <li><em>Fast &amp; Furious 6</em> – a middling sequel to the high point of the <em>Fast</em> series and my last rewatch; from here on out, it is all new to me. This one is watchable and certainly ranks as one of the better <em>Fast</em> movies. It chases the ragtag quality that the family had in the last movie but doesn’t hit the same notes. The movie shines when it focuses on Dom and Letty’s relationship, and the bridge scene is one of the best stupid stunts in the series.</li> <li><em>Furious 7</em> – a mostly forgettable setup and plot offset by some truly ridiculous moments that make the film, overall, enjoyable. This was a classy send-off for Paul Walker that I’m sure was emotional in the moment but is today soured by him being kind of a creep. I wish to wed the individual who came up with the Rock breaking his cast off and entering the action, the skyscraper scene, Dom running over Shaw&rsquo;s car, and, most of all, the rwrench fight. I say individual because I like to believe there is a single person responsible for this lunacy.</li> </ul> <h1 id="tv">TV</h1> <ul> <li><em>Andor</em>, season one – interesting in broad strokes, but I found it deeply problematic on an episode-to-episode basis. This felt like a movie trilogy that decided to be a television show, and it does not work as either. It may not be fair for me to levy my frustrations with cinematic universes against <em>Andor</em> (<em>Fast</em> obsession notwithstanding), but I spent much of my time with the show questioning its necessity (even as a <em>Star Wars</em> lover and a particular fan of <em>Rogue One</em>). Much of <em>Andor</em> felt like it was undercutting <em>Rogue One</em> and Jyn’s significance to the Alliance. <em>Andor</em> has compelling ideas and is competently shot and acted, with occasionally strong moments every few episodes, but it ultimately didn’t win me over. I will give a second season a try, but <em>Andor</em> disappointed me, especially given the high expectations others’ reactions gave me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="music">Music</h1> <ul> <li><em>22, a Million</em>, Bon Iver – I do not have much experience with Bon Iver outside of “Skinny Love” (which is fine), but I vaguely recall my sister playing me a song, “10 d E A T h b R E a s T ⚄ ⚄”, from_ 22, a Million_ around when it came out. Sparked by a recent conversation with her and stumbling across an article that I now cannot find about some of the controversy around the album’s release, I’ve been listening to it a fair amount. It’s an abstract, exciting album; none of the songs particularly stand out to me as Playlist Material, but that is perhaps the intention of the album: it is to be listened to in sittings, full through, not in the vacuum we have become accustomed to of random shuffles and algorithmic picks. I admire any artist that experiments with their releases and does not rest on the laurels of their hits, so initial impressions are strong, but I get the sense that this is an album that begs for the listener to reflect and decode.</li> <li><em>Never Hungover Again</em>, Joyce Manor – discovered through a Front Bottoms shuffle with “Heart Tattoo,” which is a highlight of the album for me. Never Hungover Again is a breezy listen: ten tracks, most falling between one and two minutes. I found the first five tracks mostly discardable, but the second half was much stronger with the aforementioned “Heart Tattoo,” “In the Army Now,” and “Catalina Fight Song.” Emo revival works best for me in The Front Bottoms style: catchy riffs and earnest lyrics that read like teenage LiveJournal entries.</li> </ul> <h1 id="games">Games</h1> <ul> <li><em>The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom</em> - I played a metric ton of <em>Breath of the Wild</em> and emerged with feelings ranging from ambivalent to frustrated. There was so much I loved about it and so much that just never came together (or actively frustrated me). <em>Tears of the Kingdom,</em> however, has brought me nothing but joy; it corrects every complaint I had with <em>Breath of the Wild</em> and improves upon it wholesale. I&rsquo;m far from done with the game &ndash; I think I will be playing it for some time &ndash; but so far, it is remarkable.</li> <li><em>Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza</em> - played with friends but I had the eerie suspicion I&rsquo;ve played it before but cannot place it. Fine in a group but mostly forgettable. I wouldn&rsquo;t seek it out again.</li> <li><em>Carcassonne</em> - my love, my liege. <em>Carcassonne</em> is a bastion in our household. I love it every time I play, except when I lose, which is often.</li> <li><em>The Busy Bistro</em>, <a href="https://magicpuzzlecompany.com/">Magic Puzzle Company</a> - a friend spotted this on Tik Tok and invited me over to work on it with her. Reader, I was there until three in the morning. A fantastic puzzle with charming art, done in good company.</li> </ul> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/meta/index.html b/public/tags/meta/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc203bd --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/meta/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,122 @@ + + + + + +Meta | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/meta/index.xml b/public/tags/meta/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f721770 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/meta/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ + + + + Meta on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/meta/ + Recent content in Meta on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + an ode to gitsync + https://example.org/an-ode-to-gitsync/ + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/an-ode-to-gitsync/ + <p>Since I <a href="https://esotericbullshit.net/what%27s-this-%28and-how-it-works%29/">moved this site to Hugo</a>, I&rsquo;ve been using an app called GitJournal to post from my phone. I have a beautiful desk setup with a clacky mechanical keyboard that&rsquo;s a joy to write on, but the simple fact is that I&rsquo;m a lazy shit and want to update my blog from the couch. It&rsquo;s all mostly worked fine, with some headaches. I originally intended to use GitJournal to store my Github repo to my phone&rsquo;s filesystem and then point an Obsidian<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> vault at that.</p> + + + what's this? (and how it works) + https://example.org/what's-this-(and-how-it-works)/ + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/what's-this-(and-how-it-works)/ + <p>Welcome to esotericbullshit.net, the new home of my blog and web stuff.</p> <p>Previously, this blog was hosted at bearblog under the domain cassie.land. Now, I&rsquo;m using the SSG Hugo to create the site, which deploys to Github Pages for hosting.</p> <p><strong>So why the move?</strong> I love bearblog and recommend it to just about anyone who wants to get into blogging and the small web — it&rsquo;s dead simple for folks with no web expertise, it has an awesome community, and the discover page allows you to share your content and connect with folks also using the platform. Unfortunately, I am, at heart, a tinkerer — bearblog felt a little <em>too</em> easy, and a little limiting for some of the visions I have. And, ultimately, I just want to <strong>own my content</strong> and <strong>embrace new technologies and challenges</strong>.</p> + + + my year in lists + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + Mon, 01 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + <p>I&rsquo;m not a New Years Resolution person; listening to a lot of <a href="https://loscampesinos.bandcamp.com/track/my-year-in-lists-2">&ldquo;My Year in Lists&rdquo;</a> by Los Campesinos! as a teen made me quite cynical about the whole thing.</p> <p>However, I <em>am</em> a very goal-oriented, reflective person. In late 2022, after years of gaining weight and developing some really negative patterns of self-talk around my body image, I decided to join a gym. Of course I&rsquo;d like to see the number on the scale go down, but the main goal was just to get healthier and develop healthier habits. I started running, because that&rsquo;s what I used to do (not well), and eventually convinced a friend to join with me. Together, we set the goal of running a 5K, and we did our first in May of 2023, in about 41 minutes (in our defense, it was an <em>extremely</em> hilly course, but also progress, progress<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>). We ran three more as the year went by; my most recent was November, where I finished in around 36 minutes.</p> + + + What's This? + https://example.org/what's-this/ + Wed, 26 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/what's-this/ + <p>Well, I have another blog.</p> <p>Welcome to <a href="https://cassie.land">cassie.land</a>, the latest (as of writing this) web project that I&rsquo;ve started and may promptly abandon.</p> <p>Here&rsquo;s the truth: These past few months have shown me the impermanence of online platforms. I have quit reddit with the third-party API shutdowns, and while I am probably better off for it, it does feel like losing one of the bastions of the internet I once knew. I regret to inform that I am officially an old person on the internet; I yearn for the days of hyper-specific Geocities pages with incredibly useful information written by a thirteen year old screaming into the void (and for the days where our search engines actually directed us to that information rather than some circuitous tripe written by AI that packs in every SEO keyword without actually saying anything).</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/music/index.html b/public/tags/music/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..327f28f --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/music/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,115 @@ + + + + + +Music | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/music/index.xml b/public/tags/music/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f8ca9d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/music/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,33 @@ + + + + Music on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/music/ + Recent content in Music on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Thu, 08 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + smooth runs the water where the brook is deep + https://example.org/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/ + Thu, 08 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/ + <blockquote> <p>Write a blog post about words of wisdom your younger self would have appreciated hearing. (via <a href="https://blogprompts.fyi">blogprompts</a>)<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p></blockquote> <p>I&rsquo;m trying out doing blog prompts in an effort to populate this blog with more than just weekly round-ups and to get more comfortable writing about personal things.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup></p> <p>I&rsquo;m going to select two quotes — both song lyrics — that have resonated for me.</p> <p>The first is from &ldquo;Banshee Beat&rdquo; by Animal Collective, which I first heard in my late teens (maybe 16?) and still consider one of my favorite songs.</p> + + + Thirteen to Know Me + https://example.org/thirteen-to-know-me/ + Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/thirteen-to-know-me/ + <p>@jamesmckz <a href="https://twitter.com/jamesmckz/status/1764778536244507081">shared the following challenge on X</a> earlier this month:</p> <blockquote> <p>No cheating - your Quietus style Bakers Dozen. 13 albums (off the top of your head) to know you by. Not looking for a perfect list, looking for a list that you instantly regret posting because you then remember something else.</p></blockquote> <p>I approached my response largely as a list of albums that have meant something to me in my life — not necessarily what I&rsquo;m actively listening to at the moment. Many of these albums I&rsquo;ve not listened to much in years, but I consider them pivotal, essential listening for <em>me</em>.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p> + + + Intentional Listening + https://example.org/intentional-listening/ + Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/intentional-listening/ + <p>A friend of mine is a big fan of Florence + the Machine. I confessed to only really knowing (but liking) her hits, &ldquo;Dog Days&rdquo; and &ldquo;Cosmic Love.&rdquo; I asked which album she would recommend I listen to; she said <em>How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful</em> (2015),<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> and I texted her about some of the songs on it. She asked if I was listening to the whole thing given the back to back messages; I said yes, and I started to consider <em>how</em> I like to consume music.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/pokemon/index.html b/public/tags/pokemon/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5821762 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/pokemon/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + + + + + +Pokemon | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/pokemon/index.xml b/public/tags/pokemon/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c33f4f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/pokemon/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + + + Pokemon on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/pokemon/ + Recent content in Pokemon on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Fri, 23 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound + https://example.org/early-thoughts-on-pokemon-unbound/ + Fri, 23 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/early-thoughts-on-pokemon-unbound/ + <p>I downloaded <em>Pokémon: Unbound</em> the other day to play alongside my partner. We are both big <em>Pokémon</em> fans — like buy the new games every year fans — though my interest has waned over the last few years (I loved <em>Legends Arceus</em> and generally felt that <em>Scarlet/Violet</em> were slaps in the face<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>). I have fond memories of the classic games, and I&rsquo;ve read a lot of positive buzz about <em>Unbound</em>.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/politics/index.html b/public/tags/politics/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..537fd92 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/politics/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + + + + + +Politics | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/politics/index.xml b/public/tags/politics/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..602c314 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/politics/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + + + Politics on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/politics/ + Recent content in Politics on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Thu, 07 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + Reflections on elections + https://example.org/reflections-on-elections/ + Thu, 07 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/reflections-on-elections/ + <p>2016 was the first year I was eligible to vote in a presidential election. I was away at college, so I completed an absentee ballot, and, like most, felt confident in what I thought would be the result. I was no big fan of Clinton&rsquo;s — I voted for Bernie in the primaries — but the other option was laughable: I couldn&rsquo;t believe that a major political party put such a clown up as their candidate, and I thought the electorate was smart enough to see him for the fraud (and fascist) he was.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/prompts/index.html b/public/tags/prompts/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b7a2ffa --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/prompts/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,101 @@ + + + + + +Prompts | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/prompts/index.xml b/public/tags/prompts/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..92e932a --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/prompts/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + + + Prompts on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/prompts/ + Recent content in Prompts on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Thu, 08 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + smooth runs the water where the brook is deep + https://example.org/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/ + Thu, 08 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/smooth-runs-the-water-where-the-brook-is-deep/ + <blockquote> <p>Write a blog post about words of wisdom your younger self would have appreciated hearing. (via <a href="https://blogprompts.fyi">blogprompts</a>)<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p></blockquote> <p>I&rsquo;m trying out doing blog prompts in an effort to populate this blog with more than just weekly round-ups and to get more comfortable writing about personal things.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup></p> <p>I&rsquo;m going to select two quotes — both song lyrics — that have resonated for me.</p> <p>The first is from &ldquo;Banshee Beat&rdquo; by Animal Collective, which I first heard in my late teens (maybe 16?) and still consider one of my favorite songs.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/red/index.html b/public/tags/red/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..95188d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/red/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,51 @@ + + + + + +Red | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + diff --git a/public/tags/red/index.xml b/public/tags/red/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c906b6f --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/red/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ + + + + Red on cassie.ink + http://localhost:1313/tags/red/ + Recent content in Red on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Wed, 15 Mar 2023 11:00:00 -0700 + + + NEVER HUNGOVER AGAIN + http://localhost:1313/posts/post-3/ + Wed, 15 Mar 2023 11:00:00 -0700 + http://localhost:1313/posts/post-3/ + <p>Occaecat aliqua consequat laborum ut ex aute aliqua culpa quis irure esse magna dolore quis. Proident fugiat labore eu laboris officia Lorem enim. Ipsum occaecat cillum ut tempor id sint aliqua incididunt nisi incididunt reprehenderit. Voluptate ad minim sint est aute aliquip esse occaecat tempor officia qui sunt. Aute ex ipsum id ut in est velit est laborum incididunt. Aliqua qui id do esse sunt eiusmod id deserunt eu nostrud aute sit ipsum. Deserunt esse cillum Lorem non magna adipisicing mollit amet consequat.</p> + + + just a sucker with no self esteem + http://localhost:1313/posts/post-1/ + Sun, 15 Jan 2023 09:00:00 -0700 + http://localhost:1313/posts/post-1/ + <p>Tempor proident minim aliquip reprehenderit dolor et ad anim Lorem duis sint eiusmod. Labore ut ea duis dolor. Incididunt consectetur proident qui occaecat incididunt do nisi Lorem. Tempor do laborum elit laboris excepteur eiusmod do. Eiusmod nisi excepteur ut amet pariatur adipisicing Lorem.</p> <p>Occaecat nulla excepteur dolore excepteur duis eiusmod ullamco officia anim in voluptate ea occaecat officia. Cillum sint esse velit ea officia minim fugiat. Elit ea esse id aliquip pariatur cupidatat id duis minim incididunt ea ea. Anim ut duis sunt nisi. Culpa cillum sit voluptate voluptate eiusmod dolor. Enim nisi Lorem ipsum irure est excepteur voluptate eu in enim nisi. Nostrud ipsum Lorem anim sint labore consequat do.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/teaching/index.html b/public/tags/teaching/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5362599 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/teaching/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,122 @@ + + + + + +Teaching | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/teaching/index.xml b/public/tags/teaching/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff850f5 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/teaching/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ + + + + Teaching on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/teaching/ + Recent content in Teaching on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Thu, 20 Jun 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + breaking silences + https://example.org/breaking-silences/ + Thu, 20 Jun 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/breaking-silences/ + <p><a href="https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/">Last time I updated this blog</a>, I wrote about silences in my professional career. These past few weeks, I feel I am doing the work to break mine.</p> <p>I am the faculty advisor for my middle school&rsquo;s GSA. I have been for years now, and it&rsquo;s something I&rsquo;m very proud of, but this year especially I feel I have a great crop of kids that I&rsquo;m really connecting with. At my town&rsquo;s Pride festival in early June, my club had a booth selling crafts the kids had made to raise funds. The kids filtered in and out to help sell goods, but mostly I think they just valued having a &ldquo;home base&rdquo; at the event. For me, it was a long, socially draining day, but speaking to them afterward about the experience and hearing them tell me how at home they felt at the festival, how comfortable they felt being themselves, was so gratifying.</p> + + + Your silence will not protect you + https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/ + Sun, 14 Apr 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/your-silence-will-not-protect-you/ + <p>I&rsquo;ve talked before on this blog about <a href="../on-teaching/">being a teacher</a> and how passionate I am about my work; the time I spend with my students — which should be paramount and where all my energy goes — comes naturally. I often remark that I feel like I&rsquo;m doing a stand-up comedy routine<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> while teaching because my goal is not only to instruct but to develop joy in learning, in reading, in writing.</p> + + + my year in lists + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + Mon, 01 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/my-year-in-lists/ + <p>I&rsquo;m not a New Years Resolution person; listening to a lot of <a href="https://loscampesinos.bandcamp.com/track/my-year-in-lists-2">&ldquo;My Year in Lists&rdquo;</a> by Los Campesinos! as a teen made me quite cynical about the whole thing.</p> <p>However, I <em>am</em> a very goal-oriented, reflective person. In late 2022, after years of gaining weight and developing some really negative patterns of self-talk around my body image, I decided to join a gym. Of course I&rsquo;d like to see the number on the scale go down, but the main goal was just to get healthier and develop healthier habits. I started running, because that&rsquo;s what I used to do (not well), and eventually convinced a friend to join with me. Together, we set the goal of running a 5K, and we did our first in May of 2023, in about 41 minutes (in our defense, it was an <em>extremely</em> hilly course, but also progress, progress<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>). We ran three more as the year went by; my most recent was November, where I finished in around 36 minutes.</p> + + + On Teaching + https://example.org/on-teaching/ + Fri, 18 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/on-teaching/ + <p>This September marks the start of my fourth year teaching.</p> <p>When I was a kid, I was always interested in teaching; my grandparents had an unfinished basement that, for some reason, had a little chalkboard and table. My siblings and I would play school down there, and I loved to play the role of teacher &ndash; despite being considerably younger than them.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I loved school, too. I loved most every subject (especially grammar &ndash; I&rsquo;m one of the few children who absolutely rejoiced when asked to take out my grammar workbook) and was, at the risk of conceit, <em>good</em> at academics. I also read voraciously in elementary school.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/tech/index.html b/public/tags/tech/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..207e2a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/tech/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,122 @@ + + + + + +Tech | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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All posts tagged with + + + Tech + +

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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/tech/index.xml b/public/tags/tech/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2cfeada --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/tech/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ + + + + Tech on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/tech/ + Recent content in Tech on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + + + an ode to gitsync + https://example.org/an-ode-to-gitsync/ + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/an-ode-to-gitsync/ + <p>Since I <a href="https://esotericbullshit.net/what%27s-this-%28and-how-it-works%29/">moved this site to Hugo</a>, I&rsquo;ve been using an app called GitJournal to post from my phone. I have a beautiful desk setup with a clacky mechanical keyboard that&rsquo;s a joy to write on, but the simple fact is that I&rsquo;m a lazy shit and want to update my blog from the couch. It&rsquo;s all mostly worked fine, with some headaches. I originally intended to use GitJournal to store my Github repo to my phone&rsquo;s filesystem and then point an Obsidian<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> vault at that.</p> + + + Automattic's Write Brief is, unsurprisingly, full of shit + https://example.org/write-brief/ + Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/write-brief/ + <p>Automattic <a href="https://techcrunch.com/2024/08/07/automattic-launches-ai-writing-tool-that-aims-to-make-wordpress-blogs-more-readable-and-succinct/">recently launched their Write Brief AI assistant</a> for folks using Jetpack with WordPress.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> It is automatically available to anyone using wordpress.com, which I verified by logging into my 14-year-old account.</p> <p>I decided to test it out on my recent post about <em>The Basic Eight</em>. I chose this because it&rsquo;s one of my more recent posts that isn&rsquo;t #week-notes . I pasted it directly into the Gutenberg editor with all of the AI settings toggled on.</p> + + + Moving to a rack mount setup + https://example.org/moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup/ + Fri, 02 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/moving-to-a-rack-mount-setup/ + <p>I wrote a post a few months ago <a href="https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/">cataloguing moving my home server</a> from the old NZXT case I had leftover from my old PC into a Rosewill chassis that would let me, eventually, move to a proper rack setup. This past Prime Day, I purchased a Riveco 15U rack and then some sliding rails to go along with it, with the hope of finally moving the loud and hot NAS into the basement where it belongs.</p> + + + Moving my home server to a new chassis + https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/ + Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/moving-my-home-server-to-a-new-chassis/ + <p>I have a home server (running Unraid) that I use to backup computers, as media storage, and to run various apps. It&rsquo;s mostly been cobbled together from used parts I found for cheap, and it generally followed <a href="https://forums.serverbuilds.net/t/guide-nas-killer-4-0-fast-quiet-power-efficient-and-flexible-starting-at-125/667">Serverbuild&rsquo;s NAS Killer 4 guide</a>. It runs like a dream, and putting it together is one of the best decisions I&rsquo;ve ever made. More recently, with streaming sites like Netflix, Hulu, etc. cracking down on password sharing, it has become my pathway to shedding some monthly subscriptions and owning my own media.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/undergrad/index.html b/public/tags/undergrad/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c0428c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/undergrad/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,108 @@ + + + + + +Undergrad | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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All posts tagged with + + + Undergrad + +

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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/undergrad/index.xml b/public/tags/undergrad/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3a08b40 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/undergrad/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ + + + + Undergrad on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/undergrad/ + Recent content in Undergrad on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + + + LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory + https://example.org/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/ + Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/emily-dickinson-queer-theory/ + <p>The lives of many literary greats remain a relative mystery; literary critics and historians are often left to piece together details from letters, documentation, and, sometimes controversially, the author&rsquo;s work read for repeated motifs. They then draw what conclusions they can about the authors&rsquo; lives. One of the most prolific female poets in the English literary canon, Emily Dickinson&rsquo;s life is preserved in letters and artifacts from her life. When examined as a body of work, Dickinson&rsquo;s poetry reveals a pattern of focus on women&rsquo;s interior lives and relationships that may be regarded as queer, especially with the added dimension of her close relationship with her sister-in-law. This essay examines a selection of her poems through a queer lens, highlighting the poems&rsquo; relationships to female love and Dickinson&rsquo;s life and arguing against established patterns of erasing Dickinson&rsquo;s queer identity.</p> + + + LITR 250 Close Reading 2E + https://example.org/litr-250-close-reading-2e/ + Tue, 19 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/litr-250-close-reading-2e/ + <p>In the beginning of Chapter VIII in the third section of <em>To the Lighthouse</em>, pages 186-187, Virginia Woolf&rsquo;s unique approach to perspective and introspection create a subjective presentation of reality and relationships, supported by extended metaphors of fluidity and stillness. On a boat trip mandated by Mr. Ramsay to the titular lighthouse, Cam and James anatomize and unfold their feelings towards their father. Cam evolves as the boat moves across the sea while James&rsquo;s unflinching rage and violence towards the patriarch repeat in this section as the sailboat halts and space contracts to exacerbate his indignation. Woolf thus frames and explores the figure of Mr. Ramsay and the nominal motif of a journey through individual introspection and excurses. <sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p> + + + diff --git a/public/tags/week-notes/index.html b/public/tags/week-notes/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7d75cda --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/week-notes/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,262 @@ + + + + + +Week-Notes | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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All posts tagged with + + + Week-Notes + +

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+ + + diff --git a/public/tags/week-notes/index.xml b/public/tags/week-notes/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..faf0e00 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/tags/week-notes/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,180 @@ + + + + Week-Notes on cassie.ink + https://example.org/tags/week-notes/ + Recent content in Week-Notes on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Sun, 23 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + + + listen to my story (week notes 024) + https://example.org/week-notes/024/ + Sun, 23 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/024/ + <p>I&rsquo;ve missed a few weeks, so consider this my catch up post before starting my week notes up again&hellip;</p> + + + dancing around the subject 'til my legs hurt (week notes 23) + https://example.org/week-notes/023/ + Sun, 02 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/023/ + finishing Euphoria instead of reading classic literature + + + I need love, can you get to me now? (week notes 022) + https://example.org/week-notes/022/ + Sun, 26 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/022/ + I bought a space heater so I can feel like I am in hell where I belong + + + she knows I love my cereal (week notes 21) + https://example.org/week-notes/021/ + Sun, 19 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/021/ + <p>I recently discovered some weirdness with my hard drives in my PC. It&rsquo;s a long story that isn&rsquo;t worth telling, but the end of it is that I bought an NVMe drive and am starting fresh with a clean install of Windows. It&rsquo;s fairly painless now that I have a drive that&rsquo;s <em>just</em> my files with a separate OS drive. I do have to reinstall and set up some apps again, but it has been a good opportunity to reassess the cruft I&rsquo;ve let build up on there over the years.</p> + + + hold on tight to this time, this place (week notes 020) + https://example.org/week-notes/020/ + Sat, 11 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/020/ + <p>I had a friend over one evening for pizza and card games — mostly Fan Tan and Blackjack, which are almost the only card games I like. My volleyball rec league started up again this week; I haven&rsquo;t made time for physical exercise lately, and volleyball is a good commitment. I&rsquo;d like to start running again soon too, but I&rsquo;m nursing a minor foot injury that I&rsquo;d like to see cleared up before I put too much stress on it. Thursday was the school spelling bee, which is both fun and heart-wrenching to watch.</p> + + + stop thinking a phone call or text is too complicated (week notes 019) + https://example.org/week-notes/019/ + Sat, 04 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/019/ + <p>I&rsquo;m still reading <strong><em>Pride &amp; Prejudice</em></strong>, but with the hubbub of the holidays, I haven&rsquo;t made much progress. I&rsquo;m excited about the next books in my pile, though, so I am determined to finish soon.</p> <p>I&rsquo;ve burned through several seasons of <strong><em>Girls</em></strong> since my last week notes. I&rsquo;m in the last season now, and my opinions have started to solidify. I think if I&rsquo;d watched the show at the time of airing, I&rsquo;d have found Lena et al. insufferably pretentious. Old age has softened me; instead I find it a charming (though still deeply problematic and limited in the perspectives it represents) contra point. TV was and is rife with the male perspective, shows at which many of the same critiques could be levied (<em>Seinfeld</em>, <em>Always Sunny</em>, etc.). I think <em>Girls</em> attracts the ire it does partly due to its creator&rsquo;s frequent gaffes and problematic statements but also because it challenges the status quo simply by its existence and its featuring complex women who are hard to like. I don&rsquo;t think there was a cultural crisis of any kind over the characters in shows like <em>Always Sunny</em> being unlikeable — it&rsquo;s clear that they&rsquo;re meant to be. <em>Girls</em> is the same, but our culture has far more trouble swallowing unlikeable women. I also think that, while the show has its ups and downs and some storylines that don&rsquo;t work, it is pretty consistent in quality — something I don&rsquo;t often say about shows that run for several seasons.</p> + + + using purell 'til my hands bleed and swell (week notes 18) + https://example.org/week-notes/018/ + Sun, 22 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/018/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <p>Unfortunately I haven&rsquo;t been able to exercise much; partly, this is because I haven&rsquo;t been making the time for it, but I also tweaked my right shoulder somehow and it&rsquo;s been quite painful to use in every day tasks. <em>Ring Fit</em> is therefore off the table. The trouble is that I genuinely don&rsquo;t know what I did to it! This week is my last before our holiday break, and I&rsquo;m hoping to get back on the horse over the course of my 16 (!!) days off.</p> + + + sleepyhead 'cause all the fucking foxes kept me awake last night (week notes 017) + https://example.org/week-notes/017/ + Sun, 15 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/017/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <p>I <strong>bought a new domain name</strong> — I&rsquo;m not going to post it just yet — but I&rsquo;m considering switching this site over to it. I love esotericbullshit, but I&rsquo;m not sure it&rsquo;s the energy I want to put out there. It makes the URL a little hard to share. But it also feels remarkably stupid when I <em>just</em> moved this over from another domain (which is incidentally quite similar to the new one&hellip;).<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p> + + + to find part of you still works is like a tiny victory (week notes 016) + https://example.org/week-notes/016/ + Sun, 08 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/016/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I went for a run with a good friend at an indoor track near me. The track itself is quite short, so the run is a little awkward, but it&rsquo;s a super soft flooring which made the run easy on my joints. It&rsquo;s nice to have a new run buddy, too!</li> <li>Saturday I felt angry and sick and exhausted all day; I&rsquo;d intended to go out and do holiday shopping but instead just rotted at home. I know I needed the rest, but seemingly everything put me in a bad mood. It&rsquo;s maybe just PMS — I haven&rsquo;t been good about tracking my cycle lately, though — or just the seasonal depression. It&rsquo;s shit no matter what it is.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><a href="https://lanadelrue.bearblog.dev/hometown-visit">Hometown Visit</a>. I love reading folks who blog about their loves. It&rsquo;s probably voyeuristic — I don&rsquo;t know that it reflects well on me — but it makes me wish I had the courage to do the same.</li> <li><strong>Sandra Cisneros, <em>Woman Hollering Creek</em>.</strong> I&rsquo;m waiting for <em>Villette</em> to come in, so I wanted something that would be easy to jump in and out of. This fits the bill; I love <em>Mango Street</em> dearly and this simply feels like more of it (albeit not following one character, but then, Cisneros&rsquo;s stories all seem to co-exist).</li> <li><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/owala-freesip-review/">25 Wirecutter Journalists Can’t Be Wrong: How Owala Became an Official Water Bottle Pick</a>. What a ridiculously self-important, self-absorbed article. I generally like and use Wirecutter; some of their recommendations are ridiculously decadent and detached from reality, but they are one of the few reliable online sources for product reviews and recommendations. I am all for an ode to something you love and that makes your life better, but this read not as &ldquo;we tested and compared a lot of products&rdquo; but more &ldquo;we all have good taste and have this water bottle so it must be good, right?&rdquo;</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9OhTB5eBqQ">Evermore: The Theme Park That Wasn&rsquo;t - YouTube</a> by Jenny Nicholson.</strong> I love Jenny&rsquo;s videos but hadn&rsquo;t watched this one yet; I dozed through portions but enjoyed it all the same.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pride &amp; Prejudice The Board Game</em></strong>. My brother gifted this to me years ago and I&rsquo;ve never found an opportunity to play it. A student of mine is listening to the audiobook of <em>P&amp;P</em> on my recommendation and I told her about the board game; I thought I should play it first myself, so I convinced Joe to play with me.</li> <li><strong><em>Fabledom</em></strong>. This has been in my Steam wishlist for ages, and I wanted a cozy game to try to quell my Saturday mood. It&rsquo;s OK. I enjoyed the time I put into it, but I don&rsquo;t think I will go back to it. City builders tend to entertain me for a few hours, but then I reach the later points of the game (or it becomes a chore to manage everything) and get bored.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <p>I&rsquo;ve had three songs in rotation this week: &ldquo;Clown Blood/Orpheus&rsquo; Bobbing Head&rdquo; by Los Campesinos!, &ldquo;up&rdquo; by Pigthe, and &ldquo;You Good? (In Medias Res)&rdquo; by Proper.</p> + + + my voice moved hades so he extinguished the fire (week notes 015) + https://example.org/week-notes/015/ + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/015/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I ran a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. My time was not good (40:38), but there was wet, heavy snow coming down, so I was mostly focused on not eating shit. I think mid-November might be my 5K cutoff. We otherwise stayed home for the holiday and spent some much needed time relaxing together.</li> <li>With the holiday season upon us, this is usually around the time that I take a big trip out to a nearby mall to get gifts for everyone. I want to commit this year to shopping mostly (entirely?) from local small businesses or buying handmade and secondhand goods. I&rsquo;m happy to live in a town with a great Main Street, and I want to stop dumping my money into corporations. <ul> <li>I did order a bunch of rechargeable batteries from Amazon for Black Friday, but that was the extent of my shopping.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I miss podcasting again. I&rsquo;ve run a few podcasts over the years, which all petered out for various reasons, but I&rsquo;m feeling the itch again. I don&rsquo;t know what I&rsquo;d podcast about, though, which runs contrary to popular logic: you should have something to say, not just the desire to say things. I love audio production and the sound of my own voice, though. <ul> <li>Maybe I record audio versions of my blog posts and turn that into a podcast? I want to write more, after all. I don&rsquo;t think my week notes would be conducive to an audio format, but maybe my longer form writing (what little of it exists).</li> </ul> </li> <li>I bought a camera (Panasonic Lumix G7) on a bit of a whim. I film a lot of videos for my school, so I guess there&rsquo;s professional utility in using something other than my phone, but I also want to get better about taking pictures to preserve memories.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li>On Saturday, I felt sick and rotted on the couch and watched YouTube junkfood: mostly <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@outsidexbox">outsidexbox</a>&rsquo;s seven things videos and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@MachoNachoProductions">Macho Nacho</a> console mod videos. <ul> <li>I don&rsquo;t mod consoles. I like to tinker with electronics, but I&rsquo;ve never soldered anything. Somehow, however, I find myself watching a lot of these sorts of videos. I think I admire the production value and Tito&rsquo;s calm, measured approach.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I&rsquo;m about done with <strong><em>Daria</em></strong>, but I haven&rsquo;t watched the movies yet.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Into the Wild</em> by John Krakauer.</strong> As a kid, the film adaptation was on frequent rotation in my house; my mom often fixated on one movie and watched it over and over, and she was a big fan of the soundtrack as well. I&rsquo;ve always wanted to read the book since, and I&rsquo;m trying again to commit to reading more now that the start of school year frenzy has died down for me. I&rsquo;m enjoying following McCandless&rsquo;s story and don&rsquo;t think Krakauer too effusive (though his biases are clear), but some of the tangents feel extraneous. <ul> <li><strong>Finished on November 28.</strong> A humanizing and sympathetic account of a controversial figure. A few meandering chapters, but there are — in McCandless&rsquo;s case especially — wrong turns taken in pursuit of truth, meaning, and beauty.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I&rsquo;ve ordered Charlotte Brontë&rsquo;s <strong><em>Villette</em></strong> through my local bookstore as an upcoming read on the recommendation of a student&rsquo;s parent. I&rsquo;m also interested in getting my hands on <strong><em>The Dead Father</em></strong> by David Barthelme after reading an excerpt in <em>Into the Wild.</em></li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Satisfactory.</em></strong> Just a few months before the pandemic, while I was in grad school, I fell deeply in love with <em>Satisfactory</em> and attempted in vain to explain to my literary and well-rounded colleagues that I was spending my free time balancing my iron production pipelines and converting from biomass energy to coal. I dipped my toe in a few more times after my mania but resolved to wait until 1.0 as many of my production lines would need to be seriously re-tooled. Joe suggested we start a co-op save this week and I am back and thriving. <ul> <li>We did get into a brief, heated conflict over manifold (my preference) versus balanced production, an argument all couples experience at some point in their relationship, I&rsquo;m sure.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I played a little but more of <strong><em>Pokémon Crystal</em></strong>, but I&rsquo;m at a point where I have to grind out levels to take on the next gym, which I&rsquo;m supremely uninterested in doing. Maybe I&rsquo;ll just hack my save.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li>I downloaded the <em>Satisfactory</em> soundtrack and have had that on in the background — it&rsquo;s very good. Otherwise, I&rsquo;m mostly still listening to <strong>Rainbow Kitten Surprise</strong>.</li> </ul> + + + it's second nature to love you (week notes 014) + https://example.org/week-notes/014/ + Sun, 24 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/014/ + <p>first week notes in a while so some of this might not be strictly &ldquo;this week&rdquo;</p> <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I turned 30. I had a big party with lots of friends — and I feel grateful to have so many folks who want to celebrate with me, including some who drove substantial distances. I still have a bunch of mixed up feelings about crossing this threshold, but I&rsquo;m trying to remember the advice of a friend: it&rsquo;s a gift to grow older.</li> <li>This maybe belongs under a playing heading, but maybe not: I picked up <strong><em>Ring Fit Adventure</em></strong> for the first time since the pandemic. It&rsquo;s getting to be too cold out to run, so I need an alternate fitness option. My most reliable gym buddy moved away, so I&rsquo;m seeing if I can get <em>Ring Fit</em> to stick again. I am definitely in way better shape than when I was playing years ago; I would feel faint after 20-30 minutes in the game, but my first session was over 30 minutes and I felt fine (albeit sweaty) after. Turning 30 feels like an inflection point where I need to get serious about losing weight.</li> <li>I also went to the gym for the first time in months to run on the treadmill. With snow season upon us, I need to transition to indoor running. I like it quite a bit less, but I don&rsquo;t want to lose progress.</li> <li>We had our first big snow of the season on Friday, which meant a (much-needed) lazy snow day at home.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Daria</em>, season four.</strong> I started rewatching Daria around Halloween because I dressed as her for the holiday. I still love it and I still hate Tom.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzdTG0JyblU&amp;list=PLIAGhNc7IWXxCHc55BwOsuTgMrDM8smSU&amp;index=18&amp;pp=iAQB">Friends at the Table&rsquo;s <em>Fields of Mistria</em> streams.</a></strong> I&rsquo;m not a FatT fan — actual play podcasts do not appeal to me at all — but Joe is, and I otherwise like a lot of the personalities on the show. Ali is probably my favorite and Joe and I love farming games like <em>Mistria</em> a whole lot.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pokémon Crystal Legacy.</em></strong> I had a hankering of Gen 2 nostalgia hit me, so I&rsquo;ve been working my way through this ROM hack. I know a lot of my love for Gen 2 stems from it being my first Pokémon — and, indeed, one of the first <em>games</em> I really ever played — but I&rsquo;m happy to report that it&rsquo;s just as charming as I remember.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong>Rainbow Kitten Surprise, <em>RKS</em>.</strong> Listened on the recommendation of a friend; I was concerned initially because I really didn&rsquo;t like the first track (my words: &ldquo;Big garage vibes. Like shit you listen to while you work on your motorcycle&rdquo;), but after that hump, I really loved the album. My tops are &ldquo;Cold Love,&rdquo; &ldquo;Wasted,&rdquo; &ldquo;All&rsquo;s Well That Ends,&rdquo; and &ldquo;Lady Lie.&rdquo; &ldquo;Cold Love&rdquo; in particular has really hung around in my head.</li> </ul> + + + spend my days running in circles (week notes 013) + https://example.org/week-notes/013/ + Sun, 20 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/013/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I presented to pre-service teachers at my alma mater with a colleague! Emotionally, I still feel like I was in their spot not that long ago — and then I remember I graduated over six years ago (and into a vastly different world and job market).</li> <li>I&rsquo;m finding myself using ellipses a lot and I do not like it. Is this growing old? Am I becoming a boomer?</li> <li>I&rsquo;m thinking about maintaining some kind of daily log — just simple, passing notes on what I did, what I thought about. Obsidian has this feature built in and it might be a good way to start. I like the idea of it being searchable and (theoretically) infinite in size, but I also want an excuse for another notebook. <ul> <li>I used to do daily reflections at the end of my work day. Slowly, those became every few days, then every week, then rarely. It was a good practice that I wish I had maintained, but there&rsquo;s already so much I&rsquo;m packing into my work day — and my goal in daily notes is to be more mindful about what I&rsquo;m doing and thinking in my free time.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I attended my state-wide English teacher conference; this is something like my sixth or seventh time attending and I still find it valuable. I left with a lot of great ideas on how to diversify my practice and better empower my students.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Percy Jackson and the Olympians.</em></strong> Joe and I have watched a few episodes. I liked the book fine, but the TV show has yet to grab me. It lacks Percy&rsquo;s narrative voice (and personality), and while it&rsquo;s good that Percy is played by an actual child, his pre-pubescent voice freaks me out.</li> <li><strong><em>Broad City</em></strong>. Joe and I watched a lot of <em>Broad City</em> early in our relationship, but we never finished it. We are starting it over from the beginning. Still funny!</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong>Charli XCX, <em>Brat and it&rsquo;s completely different but also still brat</em>.</strong> Every re-release and new drop for <em>brat</em> innovates, co-exists, and complements. The features on this remix album feel like an ode to the remarkable original release and a statement of how pivotal the album has been personally and for the industry writ large. This version of &ldquo;Everything is romantic&rdquo; is as much a remix as an iteration; the original captures a single moment in beautiful, mimetic detail, and this one is another artist following the theme and form with their own experiences. <em>brat</em> is undoubtedly a project we&rsquo;ll all be talking about when we discuss the music of the 2020s; I love witnessing its creation in real time. <ul> <li>For the haters, a friend of mine said the mixing was bad and that it &ldquo;just sounds like noise.&rdquo; I still like her (Charli and the friend, in that order<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>).</li> </ul> </li> <li><strong>Foxholes, <em>Foxholes</em>.</strong> I found &ldquo;Alligator&rdquo; while going through Daytrotter archives and loved it; the rest of the album is pleasant listening, but &ldquo;Alligator&rdquo; is the stand out.</li> <li><strong>Yung Lean, <em>Stardust</em>.</strong> I loved Yung Lean&rsquo;s feature on <em>Brat and it&rsquo;s completely different but also still brat</em>; imagine my surprise when I discovered that <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stgrSjynPKs&amp;pp=ygUJeXVuZyBsZWFu">the esoteric bullshit (or so I thought) I was listening to ten+ years ago as a joke but not really</a> went on to be a critically recognized artist. I thought it was just a weird fucking song. <ul> <li><em>Stardust</em> is a much more polished and, dare I say, coherent and digestible<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> product than &ldquo;Hurt&rdquo;; I like it, but I&rsquo;m not sure any of the songs will earn the coveted ⭐ on Plex.<sup id="fnref:3"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">3</a></sup> It&rsquo;s music I&rsquo;d have to be in a mood for — although the mumble-y nature of it makes it good background music while working. Maybe it just needs to sit with me a little more.</li> </ul> </li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>just kidding :-)&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + what would it mean for us if i fell off this slide? (week notes 012) + https://example.org/week-notes/012/ + Sun, 13 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/012/ + <p>I&rsquo;m doing a condensed post this week because I have been so busy with work!</p> <ul> <li> <p>Joe and I finished our rewatch of <strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em></strong>, and I&rsquo;m happy to say that I still love the show. It goes downhill in season six and is borderline unwatchable in season seven, but I have such affection for all before that — especially the warm blanket, cozy autumn early seasons.</p> </li> <li> <p>I&rsquo;m watching Joe play <strong><em>The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom</em></strong>.</p> + + + but let's talk about you for a minute (week notes 011) + https://example.org/week-notes/011/ + Sun, 06 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/011/ + <p>I&rsquo;m doing two weeks in one post. Last week I was dead sick and working too much so I didn&rsquo;t assemble a post throughout the week as I normally do.</p> <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I drove back to ___ for a funeral&hellip; and then back, all in one day. Eight hours on the road, but it was nice to spend some time together, singing and talking about heavy things.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> <li>I ran four miles in one go! Not without stopping and walking, and I&rsquo;m far from my best times, but I&rsquo;m trying to rebuild my endurance and speed after taking a long time off.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m trying to get back into skin care. I&rsquo;ve never had a thorough routine, but I&rsquo;ve been slacking even on the meager bit I do. I looked in the mirror and saw an old person looking back at me, so I&rsquo;ve been cleansing and moisturizing on a near-daily basis now.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating</em> by Elizabeth Tova Bailey.</strong> I&rsquo;m reading this on recommendation of a friend and coworker. The writing has a beautiful directness, but I&rsquo;m not exactly fascinated by (or at all interested in) snails. It is eye-opening to read something so scientific in approach that is still a work of literature, however; it leaves me to consider how our different disciplines — me as an English teacher and my coworker a Science teacher — change the way we think and look at the world.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://platinumtulip.bearblog.dev/a-ranking-of-imac-g3-colors/">a ranking of iMac G3 colors</a> by tulip.</strong></li> <li><strong><a href="https://thebirdhouse.bearblog.dev/field-notes-cured-my-twitter-addiction/">field notes cured my twitter addiction</a> on The Birdhouse.</strong> A lovely ode to a notebook.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em>, season six.</strong> Joe and I have reached about the end of the season. I think six has some good moments and episodes but is, on the whole, drudgery. Luke&rsquo;s character takes a bizarre turn, and I somehow have even less patience for Rory and Logan&rsquo;s relationship this time around.</li> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em>, cycle five.</strong> Passive rewatches while folding laundry; the actual modeling and photoshoots are a low for the UPN seasons, but the personalities make it an entertaining season.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I have played more of <strong><em>Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II</em></strong>, which is really him watching me play and selecting dialogue options with me. He really does not care for the combat; I don&rsquo;t love it either, but having played so much of this game and the first as a kid, I know my way around it much better. He doesn&rsquo;t seem to like any of the characters yet; on one hand, I get that, because I think the <em>KotOR II</em> characters are much more complex and harder to initially like than the first game&rsquo;s, but maybe the series just isn&rsquo;t for him&hellip; <ul> <li>We&rsquo;ve been playing as a female Exile, but Joe was interested in the Handmaiden, and I prefer her to the Disciple, so I decided to roll back a save and use the <a href="https://deadlystream.com/files/file/544-partyswap/">PartySwap mod</a>&hellip; until I realized that I have Steam Workshop mods mixed with the <a href="https://kotor.neocities.org/modding/mod_builds/k2/full">KotOR II Mod Build</a>.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> Apparently, because I used the Workshop 13 years ago when I last played this game, Steam decided I definitely wanted those installed again. Ugh. The solution was to start from the beginning with cheats that will let me zip through and get back to where we were. It took the better part of five hours to re-install all the mods and play back through Peragus and Telos.</li> <li>That all said, I really love this game. I love the way the narrative places you in a backstory rather than the &ldquo;blank slate&rdquo; approach of the first game.<sup id="fnref:3"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">3</a></sup> The player then gets to decide the Exile&rsquo;s reasons for going to war, their outlook on the Jedi, and there&rsquo;s a lot of gray area to be found.</li> </ul> </li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Mr. Anyway’s Holey Spirits Perform! One Foot in Bethlehem</em> and <em>Pure Particles</em> by The Bug Club.</strong> More recommendations from a former student of mine. I&rsquo;m really enjoying them! <em>One Foot in Bethlehem</em> very clearly has some religious satire, but I&rsquo;ve not had a chance to parse for sub-text&hellip; At this point, I&rsquo;m on a basal, what&rsquo;s catchy level (the answer is a lot).</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>religion, marriage, the future&hellip; the usual, at this point. I hate getting old.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + I know if I don't go now I won't make it out (week notes 010) + https://example.org/week-notes/010/ + Sun, 22 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/010/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>My volleyball rec league started back up! I&rsquo;m awful and uncoordinated on the court, but it&rsquo;s fun to play with friends, and I have learned the hard way that I&rsquo;m a lot less depressed when I&rsquo;m active.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m enjoying reading ex-cohost folks on the bearblog discovery feed. The trending feed can get a little stale.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I hope they stick around.</li> <li>I took a walk (and a run) with a dear friend that I&rsquo;ve been trying to get together with for a while. She&rsquo;s decades older than me, but we are incredibly like-minded. Kindred spirits. I appreciate her wisdom and guidance and friendship immensely as she listens to all my neuroses.</li> <li>On Sunday night, Joe and I went to a wedding for two of our best friends. Maybe I&rsquo;ll make a longer post with all that stirs up for me — thoughts on marriage and commitment&hellip;</li> <li>Unfortunately, I left the wedding feeling sick. COVID test was negative so here&rsquo;s hoping it&rsquo;s just allergies from the changing season.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>No One Belongs Here More than You,</em> Miranda July.</strong> I stand by what I said last week. I think I need a break from the sexual deviants I&rsquo;m apparently (and unconsciously) selecting lately. I&rsquo;m glad to be done with this; I appreciated July&rsquo;s occasional wit and found it Handler-esque, but those touches were few and far between, and the rest of it mostly just grossed me out.</li> <li>My next books will be <em>The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating</em>, recommended by a friend and coworker, and, I think, <em>Into the Wild</em>, which I&rsquo;ve always meant to read. It might not seem like much for an English teacher, but these past few months I&rsquo;ve been reading for pleasure more than I have in years and it has me feeling so full. It&rsquo;s great to rediscover that joy.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup></li> <li><strong><a href="https://netigen.com/read/linkin-park-from-zero">&ldquo;Linkin Park, From Zero&rdquo;</a> by n3verm0re.</strong> I&rsquo;m not a Linkin Park fan by any means, but I have been interested in seeing how a group reawakens after such a tremendous loss. I really enjoyed this piece about it.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Green Dream in F#</em> and <em>Rare Birds</em>, The Bug Club.</strong> I asked a student of mine what kind of music she listened to; she said her music was too weird and I&rsquo;d probably never heard of it. I took that as a personal challenge. But it&rsquo;s not that weird — although, as an (ex?) Xiu Xiu listener, my barometer is off. I liked both albums! They&rsquo;re light, fun listening, and absolutely up my alley.</li> <li><strong><em>Romance is Boring</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong> Listening to the music students of mine like has me thinking about the music I was in love with at their age. <em>RiB</em> came out at the exact right time for me and holds a special place in my heart. I listen to tracks from it often, but this was the first time I&rsquo;d revisited some deeper cuts, like &ldquo;Who Fell Asleep In,&rdquo; in years.</li> <li><strong><em>All Hell</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong> I&rsquo;m still forming my larger thoughts on <em>All Hell</em>, but it was interesting to compare side-by-side with <em>RiB</em>. It is far more even and consistent in quality — <em>RiB</em> has some all-timers but also some real duds (&ldquo;Plan A&rdquo;) — but there is a visceral, adolescent melodrama to <em>RiB</em> that <em>All Hell</em> lacks. <em>All Hell</em> is instead grown up and wistfully forlorn, especially compared to juggernauts like &ldquo;I Just Sighed.&rdquo; Both are good and appropriate for me at different times and headspaces, but <em>RiB</em> holds more of hook — although I have fifteen years of relationship and baggage with it compared to <em>All Hell</em>.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m thinking about a recurring theme in songs I am or have been fixated on — <ul> <li><strong>&ldquo;Drops (reprise),&rdquo; The Peripheral Ones</strong> - &ldquo;I know if I don&rsquo;t go now I won&rsquo;t make it out&rdquo; <ul> <li><strong>&ldquo;The Whale Song,&rdquo; Modest Mouse</strong> - &ldquo;I guess I am a scout / so I should find a way out / so everyone can find a way out&rdquo;</li> </ul> </li> <li><strong>&ldquo;Ave Maria,&rdquo; Mac Miller</strong> - &ldquo;Have you found a way out?&rdquo; &amp; <strong>&ldquo;Come Back to Earth&rdquo;</strong> - &ldquo;I just need a way out of my head / I&rsquo;ll do anything for a way out of my head&rdquo;</li> </ul> </li> <li>— the idea of making it out is, of course, not a unique theme, but perhaps it&rsquo;s why <em>The House on Mango Street</em> resonated with me: <em>&ldquo;For the ones I left behind. For the ones who cannot out.&rdquo;</em></li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>I think posts don&rsquo;t decay quickly enough from the feed, and the top page or two of trending posts are all by the same handful of people. There&rsquo;s a handful of very active posters, which is a great thing, but I like to see variety there.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + 666 with a princess streak (week notes 009) + https://example.org/week-notes/009/ + Sun, 15 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/009/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Working on getting off big corporate social media, still. I&rsquo;m almost entirely off Twitter; I keep the app just because I have a few notifications set for when specific people tweet (mostly bands who tweet out tour dates), but I&rsquo;m otherwise mostly on Mastodon (social.lol) and Discord. Cohost going down was sad to see even if I was never an active user and there were problems with it, but its downfall impressed on me even further the importance of owning your content — and it made me really happy to have this space for my thoughts and writing.</li> <li>I got my COVID booster and flu shot on Friday, which put me out of order for some time. Glad to have them done, however; one day of discomfort is worth it!</li> <li>The weight of being a teacher really set on me this week — not the teaching work, which I love, but the emotional weight of my students&rsquo; lives. It&rsquo;s especially hard to see kids that remind me of myself at their age and wish I could impart all that I&rsquo;ve learned — but knowing that there are no shortcuts and that the only way out for them is through. I can&rsquo;t pluck them out; they have to live it. I can only hope to be there for them as they do.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>No One Belongs Here More than You</em>, Miranda July.</strong> This has been in my Amazon wishlist for I don&rsquo;t know how long — long enough that I&rsquo;ve forgotten where I&rsquo;d found it or why I&rsquo;d wanted to read it. I liked the cover a lot, I guess. Anyway, I feel this is suffering from my reading it so soon after <em>Death Is Not an Option</em> as I have much of the same opinion: excellent prose but turned off by all the weird sex.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I find July&rsquo;s narrators and conceits to be far more varied than Rivecca&rsquo;s, but Rivecca never made me read about an old man who fantasizes about teenage girls, so I automatically like her better.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.garbageday.email/p/meet-lochlan-oneil-the-creator-of">Meet Lochlan O&rsquo;Neil, the creator of DashCon</a> on Garbage Day.</strong> <em>&ldquo;I had to go to extensive therapy because I was like, “oh my god, I, Lochlan O&rsquo;Neil, single-handedly destroyed fandom culture?”</em></li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pokémon 4Ever.</em></strong> Joe and I got our shit rocked by the COVID and flu shots and decided to watch this. Middling, but a surprising environmentalist message. I&rsquo;m realizing how much of who Joe is goes back to Pokémon, of all things.</li> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em>, season five.</strong> Joe and I went back in for a few episodes in our shot stupor. Still enjoyable, but we are quickly gaining on the last of the good episodes in my opinion.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>i,i</em>, Bon Iver.</strong> Not bad, but I like <em>For Emma</em> and <em>22, A Million</em> far more.</li> <li><strong><em>Chants</em>, The Peripheral Ones.</strong> I&rsquo;ve said before that this album is perhaps the most esoteric of my bullshit; it&rsquo;s a cover album of a little-known<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> Myspace-era band, <a href="https://themiddleones.bandcamp.com/">The Middle Ones</a>, done by <a href="https://pigthe.bandcamp.com/music">pigthe</a> (the guitarist for <a href="https://trustfund.bandcamp.com/music">Trust Fund</a>). The album is obscure enough that it&rsquo;s not on MusicBrainz (I&rsquo;m aware that I could add it) and the band has 23 listeners on last.fm. I love it and go back to it often.</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>reading these books back to back has left me wondering if I&rsquo;m somehow unconsciously selecting books only written by deviants or if I&rsquo;m just so vanilla that my gauge for sexual content is skewed&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + the birds remember how to come home (week notes 008) + https://example.org/week-notes/008/ + Sun, 08 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/008/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>School is officially back in session, so my free time is much more limited now. I&rsquo;m optimistic for the year, though!</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Death Is Not an Option</em> by Suzanne Rivecca.</strong> Finished at last. I have not much new to say compared to last week. I felt a notable sense of relief to be done with it and free to move on.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://marisabel.nl/public/blog/Write_as_you_wish:_a_call_to_bring_back_the_prose">Write as you wish: a call to bring back the prose</a> by Marisabel.</strong> I&rsquo;m not a good enough writer for this to be applicable, so call this aspirational reading.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://itskristin.bearblog.dev/back-at-it-social-media-free/">back at it &amp; social media free</a> by kristin.</strong> I&rsquo;ve pretty much dropped Twitter in the last few weeks — I really want to separate myself from toxic online spaces.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://gkeenan.co/avgb/please-please-please-please-please-please-share-your-big-dumb-beautiful-self-with-the-world/">Please please please please please please share your big dumb beautiful self with the world</a> by Keenan.</strong> <em>&ldquo;What does it look like to put yourself on a page, or in a photo, or a brushstroke, or a string plucked and reverberating harmoniously out into the room? When does the screaming inside become loud enough, so all-encompassing that you open up the door to let it pour out of you?&rdquo;</em></li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em>, cycle three.</strong> <em>Top Model</em> is my comfort show right now. I love the first seven cycles best, but cycle three has a special place in my heart. It&rsquo;s one of the first cycles I ever saw and has one of the most entertaining casts. The modelling itself is pretty poor, but that&rsquo;s not really what <em>Top Model</em> was about.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ei6dNr3RkY&amp;list=PLipgnTt01UGXDW2B_eJMKSSi12Y7koJ9O&amp;pp=iAQB">Run Button&rsquo;s <em>Star Wars Outlaws</em> streams.</a></strong> I&rsquo;m really interested in <em>Outlaws</em> based on what I&rsquo;ve seen; Keith has been complaining about the stealth a lot in the streams, but I think a good amount of that has been player error.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords.</em></strong> I&rsquo;ve tried to get Joe to play <em>KotOR</em> for years, but he was turned off by the combat. We listened to A More Civilized Age&rsquo;s coverage together, though (he&rsquo;s a big Friends at the Table fan), and it got him interested in <em>KotOR II</em> (despite my insisting for years that it is the finest piece of <em>Star Wars</em> media). We&rsquo;re playing through together — me with the controller but collectively making decisions. We&rsquo;re still on Peragus (gross), but I&rsquo;m enjoying revisiting it. This will be my first time playing it in at least ten years and my first time with the restored content mod.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Life&rsquo;s a Riot With Spy vs Spy</em>, Billy Bragg.</strong> I like &ldquo;A New England&rdquo; a whole lot; the rest was good but didn&rsquo;t grab me. There&rsquo;s a sparseness and intimacy that struck me when I first heard &ldquo;A New England,&rdquo; but the novelty had worn off for the other tracks.</li> <li><strong><em>For Emma, Forever Ago</em>, Bon Iver.</strong> I listened to this all the way through one night and it unfortunately really spoke to me. I know I&rsquo;ve listened through it before, years ago, and I didn&rsquo;t care for anything except &ldquo;Skinny Love&rdquo;; this time around, every track hit.</li> <li><strong>&ldquo;Bishop, CA&rdquo;</strong> and <strong>&ldquo;Wig Master,&rdquo; Xiu Xiu.</strong> I swore off Xiu Xiu back in 2013 or so after listening to them heavily during a deep depression; I&rsquo;m not cold turkey on them anymore, but they&rsquo;re not in my regular rotation either. I&rsquo;ve been thinking of these two, some of my favorites then.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>in so far as any Xiu Xiu song is a &ldquo;favorite&rdquo; and not &ldquo;a desperate cry for help&rdquo;&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + I guess I feel a bit lost without you (week notes 007) + https://example.org/week-notes/007/ + Sun, 01 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/007/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li><strong>I re-did my website!</strong> I&rsquo;ve detailed it all <a href="https://example.org/what%27s-this-%28and-how-it-works%29/">in a separate post</a>, but I&rsquo;m really excited about making weird stuff online here. I will miss being on the bearblog discovery feed, but this is also a push for me to get involved more on webrings &amp; other small web communities.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> <li>I&rsquo;m <strong>starting to get my classroom ready</strong> for the school year. I&rsquo;m really excited about some of the changes I&rsquo;m making — the physical layout of the room, curricular changes, routines, and philosophies. We go back to school on Tuesday, so this is really the end stretch of summer.</li> <li>I was pretty social this week! I had a friend and coworker over to help us identify some of the plants we have on our property; had a different friend over to play some games; went to see a Fleetwood Mac cover band with some of my partner&rsquo;s coworkers; and had my sister and her boyfriend over to go hiking and out to lunch.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://gkeenan.co/avgb/an-unrelenting-sense-of-longing/">An unrelenting sense of longing (or: “Maps”)</a> by Keenan.</strong> &ldquo;Maps&rdquo; rocks and I love reading fellow music sickos.</li> <li><strong><em>Death Is Not an Option</em> by Suzanne Rivecca.</strong> Plugging along, slowly. Rivecca&rsquo;s prose is excellent but none of the stories have really gripped me; all the protagonists are of a singular type that I don&rsquo;t really connect to.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bYvqnTvUCg&amp;list=PLe_AuQUfBKl5R3Sc7Erpq3Y2me6q6uZ0R">Into the Aether&rsquo;s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke</a></strong> We finished it this week — a tragic end to a great series. RIP TONYSOPRAN.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pokémon White Version</em>.</strong> Played here and there; I think I&rsquo;m losing my enthusiasm for it.</li> <li>We had a friend over and played a little <em><strong>Rock Band</strong></em> and <em><strong>Mario Party Superstars</strong>.</em></li> <li><em><strong>Final Fantasy XIV.</strong></em> Just a bit on Sunday night; focusing on leveling my Marauder (almost to 50!) and my Squadrons. I&rsquo;ve also started doing my Sylph Beast Tribe quests again because I want the Goobbue Mount.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Oblivion Will Own Me and Death Alone Will Love Me (Void Filler)</em>, <em>Every Moment of Every Day</em>, and <em>Fates Worse Than Death</em>, Short Fictions.</strong> I saw Short Fictions at Warsaw when they opened for Los Campesinos! I really enjoyed them live and sat down to listen to a few of their albums (they were kind enough to <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/loscampesinos/comments/1dia0oy/comment/l92otja/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web3x&amp;utm_name=web3xcss&amp;utm_term=1&amp;utm_content=share_button">post their setlist!</a>). Their music lacks some novelty compared to the live performance, but I still like a few songs — notably, &ldquo;Anymore,&rdquo; &ldquo;Nothingness Lies Coiled at the Heart of Being (It’s Such a Good Feeling),&rdquo; and &ldquo;Forever Endeavor.&rdquo;</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYRRR3vRroA">&ldquo;Feather Test&rdquo;</a> by A Weather.</strong> This may be my song this year.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> I fell in love with it a few months ago and returned to it this week. I love, I love, I love (<em>I will, I will</em>). A beautiful, breathy mix of fleeting, intersecting harmonies with a rich and simplistic production. Every line strikes. (&ldquo;Brush your hand / Across where you felt me / Do I pass the feather test?&rdquo;)</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>Also, importantly, I blog to write, not to be read. I guess.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + I want to sleep and dream alone (week notes 006) + https://example.org/week-notes/006/ + Mon, 26 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/006/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I was at school one day this week for an orientation for some student leaders.</li> <li>I went to Six Flags and realized I&rsquo;m old; my tolerance for roller coasters is, suddenly, shockingly low.</li> <li>Feeling extreme relief but also guilt for being such an introvert — lately I feel I&rsquo;m an anti-social loner, but friends have reassured me that these feelings are normal and everyone enjoys and protects their alone time (to an extent, depending on the person). All I really want to do is be alone in my house, left to do my silly little projects.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m trying still to move away from big, corporate social media — I have been spending more time on Mastodon and the bearblog discover feed. I&rsquo;ve scarcely opened Twitter, and I&rsquo;ve set 30m app timers for Facebook and Instagram. I rarely hit it for either, but something about knowing the timer is there makes me more conscious of the time I&rsquo;m wasting on them. I&rsquo;m not happy yet with my screen time as a whole, but at least I feel I&rsquo;m seeing more of real people (and people I choose to follow) than algorithms and dark patterns.</li> <li>On Friday, I went to IKEA with a friend and my sister to get some things for the house and a few items for my classroom.</li> <li>I intended to go into school on Saturday and begin some of the physical setup I need to do, but I felt sick and exhausted. I took a COVID test (negative) — I&rsquo;m hoping it&rsquo;s just holdover from a long day of driving on Friday.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://a-demain.bearblog.dev/studying-to-be-a-teacher-in-the-modern-day/">Studying to be a teacher in the modern day</a> by Sparrow.</strong> I feel the same about teaching as Sparrow: it&rsquo;s a hard career to choose in today&rsquo;s education system and economic climate, but teaching is so intrinsically part of me that I can&rsquo;t see myself doing anything else. Even with the stress, the low pay, the poor working conditions, I love it.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://marblethoughts.bearblog.dev/what-a-demure-mindful-and-brat-summer/">What a demure, mindful, and brat summer</a> by Kayla.</strong> Great introspective piece on trends and shifting mindsets. As I get older, I&rsquo;m less connected to fads (especially because I&rsquo;m not on TikTok and have curated my social media feeds), but I do try hard to understand them — I never want to be someone who brushes things off as &ldquo;kids these days&rdquo; absurdity and who blames the younger generation for every societal woe. Brat summer and demure sound silly, but there&rsquo;s importance in trying to understand what matters to young people<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> — and we can only reach state of cooperation and harmony through mutual understanding and respect.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://slate.com/advice/2024/08/dear-prudence-coworkers-too-personal.html">Help! I Invited My Coworkers Into a Very Personal Part of My Life. Now I Really Regret It.</a> by Hillary Frey.</strong> I read Dear, Prudence often to satisfy my busybody tendencies and, occasionally, to talk through social quandaries with my partner. The first letter here hit particularly hard; I am a teacher and regularly have coworkers ask super invasive questions about my family planning. I&rsquo;m friends with someone who went through IVF and she&rsquo;s opened my eyes to how these &ldquo;innocent questions&rdquo; (they&rsquo;re not) can hurt folks dealing with infertility. I&rsquo;m not, but even I find questions about whether I&rsquo;m trying for a baby super invasive!</li> <li><strong><a href="https://blog.avas.space/kindness-online/">finding kindness online</a> by ava.</strong> A great piece about connection in gaming. I have baggage with video game-centric spaces online, but this gives me some hope.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Too Model,</em> cycle 1.</strong> Mostly passive viewing while folding laundry, but cycle 1 has a special quality. It feels less like a reality show and more like a documentary about what it&rsquo;s like to be on a reality show. The budget is clearly low and the show hadn&rsquo;t established its structure just yet, so the contestants learn how the show works along with us. It feels grounded and authentic — for a season of <em>Top Model</em>, that is.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bYvqnTvUCg&amp;list=PLe_AuQUfBKl5R3Sc7Erpq3Y2me6q6uZ0R">Into the Aether&rsquo;s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke</a></strong> Joe and I are continuing this and still really loving it!</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Final Fantasy XIV.</em></strong> I&rsquo;m slowly working through the post-<em>Stormblood</em> patch content. Joe is still playing through <em>A Realm Reborn</em>, so I&rsquo;m levelling Warrior to do dungeons alongside him as a new class. I&rsquo;m enduring the slow, painful grind of levelling my Squadrons, too. I like the concept of Squadrons — they remind me of my beloved <em>Final Fantasy Tactics Advance</em>,<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> but unfortunately there is very little variety and a lot of waiting involved here.</li> <li><strong><em>Pokémon White Version</em></strong>. I was inspired to jump into a Pokémon game by the Nuzlocke Joe and I are watching. I&rsquo;ve never really played <em>White</em>; maybe a year ago I did the first three gyms, but I remember none of it. I started it over on Saturday night.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <p>Nothing really specific — just some shuffles. I have, however, <a href="https://listenbrainz.org/user/babyspace/">started tracking my listening data to listenbrainz</a>!</p> + + + the secrecy won't keep you free (week notes 005) + https://example.org/week-notes/005/ + Sun, 18 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/005/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>This week I learned that I&rsquo;m <strong>allergic to yellowjacket stings</strong> in the worst way possible (not that there&rsquo;s a good way). I was attacked by a nest of them while mowing the lawn and had to go to the ER.</li> <li>Contemplating my intense introversion.</li> <li>I was able to finally get together with a dear friend for a walk through the park — we have been trying to see each other for a while now but schedules and weather kept getting in the way. Talking to her, a kindred spirit, nourishes me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>The Basic Eight</em> by Daniel Handler.</strong> Finished in the first hours of this week. I wrote up <a href="https://example.org/the-basic-eight">a full post</a> with my thoughts.</li> <li><strong><em>Death Is Not an Option</em> by Suzanne Rivecca.</strong> I&rsquo;m about halfway through this. It&rsquo;s middling; there&rsquo;s a lot of weird sex that I simply do not connect to, and all of the narrators / protagonists feel the same even though this is a collection of unrelated short stories.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://apnews.com/article/harris-walz-apostrophe-possessive-grammar-967c0bbefc09be6c804588daabed7ec9">There’s an apostrophe battle brewing among grammar nerds. Is it Harris’ or Harris’s?</a> by Holly Tamer.</strong> This is the kind of presidential race news coverage I want to see in this world.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong>Into the Aether&rsquo;s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke.</strong> I really like Into the Aether and the TWG network, and Joe is a big fan of watching Pokemon challenges on YouTube. We are not far in, but we are enjoying it so far.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Rock Band 4.</em></strong> I have a friend visiting this week — it&rsquo;s a great party game.</li> <li><strong><em>Carcassone.</em></strong> A board game staple in my house.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li>Nothing particular beyond some shuffles, but my mom came over with her old Fleetwood Mac records and we realized that my record player has been spinning <em>slightly</em> too fast (~33.7rpm instead of 33.3). I noticed it months ago with Mac Miller&rsquo;s <em>GO:ODAM</em>, but I thought it might just be the press. We fixed it and now I feel I have to re-listen to all my records.</li> </ul> + + + I love when you invoke my death (week notes 004) + https://example.org/week-notes/004/ + Sun, 11 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/004/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I <strong>went to the lake</strong> with two friends. We did some <strong>kayaking</strong><sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> and went <strong>swimming</strong>, then returned to our house to have a belated birthday celebration for Joe.</li> <li>I <strong>played around with Hugo</strong> and thought about moving this blog (back) there. I love the bearblog community and don&rsquo;t want to leave it, but I also want to build a personal site out more. I&rsquo;m conflicted, but for now, I&rsquo;m sticking on bearblog.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> I also bought a domain without a plan to use it — I love cassieland, but this one speaks to me, and it has an air of anonymity, which is appealing should I pursue my goal to blog more; anonymity feels safer.</li> <li>Joe and I went to visit family, so we&rsquo;re spending a weekend lake- and pool-side, and I&rsquo;m reminded for the ten thousandth time of how wonderful he is with children. The biological clock ticks.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://wavelengths.online/posts/how-did-this-new-harry-potter-ride-get-approved">How Did This New Harry Potter Ride Get Approved?</a> by Brendon Bigley.</strong> I used to be a tremendous <em>Harry Potter</em> fan but consciously decoupled from the series given J.K. Rowling&rsquo;s modern social campaign of hate. I&rsquo;ve gone to and enjoyed Universal&rsquo;s Wizarding World, but I agree with Brendon&rsquo;s stance: it is bizarre when Universal leans into the thinly veiled Nazism parallels for their theme park and ask attendees to rejoice in war crime trials.</li> <li><strong><em>The Basic Eight</em> by Daniel Handler.</strong> Handler&rsquo;s <em>Adverbs</em> is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved <em>Watch Your Mouth</em>, too. I need light reprieves from <em>The Odyssey</em>, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler&rsquo;s bibliography. I&rsquo;m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It&rsquo;s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler&rsquo;s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don&rsquo;t think I&rsquo;ve ever felt before.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em>, season five.</strong> Continuing on; we are reaching the point where Joe stopped watching years ago — I had him watch the show with me when we first started dating — so I&rsquo;m excited to get into fresh content. Unfortunately, the show goes downhill, in my opinion, by season six, so we are in the last of the good.</li> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em>, cycle six.</strong> If I believed in guilty pleasures, <em>ANTM</em> would be mine. Fortunately I don&rsquo;t, so I can indulge all I&rsquo;d like in junk food TV. I think the first seven seasons are all gold, but I was in the mood for Jade&rsquo;s antics in six — truly one of the most unhinged individuals to ever appear on the show.</li> <li><strong><em>Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse.</em></strong> An incredible follow-up to a film I loved very much; I agree that the cliffhanger ending undercuts some of the story&rsquo;s structure, but if you frame it as Gwen&rsquo;s story — which I think it was in many ways — it&rsquo;s a lot more satisfying, like a sophomore sojourn into another major character. On a technical and artistic level, it&rsquo;s a remarkable achievement; the painterly visuals and use of color in Gwen&rsquo;s universe were particular standouts.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>All Hell</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong> My record finally came in. It&rsquo;s going to take time for me to form an opinion and weight it against their discography — I&rsquo;ve got to let it sink — but as of right now, I really like it. &ldquo;Clown Blood&rdquo; is an early favorite.</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>Our friends brought their kayaks and Joe rented one. We would like to invest in our own, but most of our money this summer has gone to home repairs. Maybe next summer.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + clean as paper before the poem (week notes 003) + https://example.org/week-notes/003/ + Sun, 04 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/003/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I was <strong>in school for a few days this week</strong>: one for a school improvement team meeting, where we made plans for the upcoming school year that have me really excited; another DEI committee meeting; and an English curriculum planning day. I also started moving some of the furniture in my classroom into place — I&rsquo;m rearranging for next year.</li> <li>I <strong>received a postcard in the mail</strong> <a href="https://buymeacoffee.com/veronique/e/280562">from Veronique</a>! I love this idea to take the small web to snail mail (and am generally a big fan of her blog).</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://kelsey.bearblog.dev/what-its-like/">what it&rsquo;s like</a> by kelsey.</strong> Less reading and more admiring: is this what the notebooks and brains of the creative and artistic are like? Others admire mine for its neatness and consistency, small, even printing repeated across page and page, the same thoughts over and over again, like photocopies. I love the color, the doodles, the spontaneity kelsey has, and this is what I love about bearblog: the glimpses into the minds of others.</li> <li><strong><em>Cultural Competence Now</em> by Vernita Mayfield.</strong> Continued from <a href="https://example.org/week-notes/001">a previous week</a>; this week, I read the third chapter for my district&rsquo;s DEI Committee.</li> <li><strong><em>The House on Mango Street</em> by Sandra Cisneros.</strong> I&rsquo;m integrating this book into my curriculum for the next school year. It&rsquo;s a beautiful, poetic, important text, and I&rsquo;m so excited to read it with my kids. It&rsquo;s heavy, and the unit I&rsquo;ve planned around it is challenging, but I want to be more rigorous in my curriculum, and I think the kids will really connect with Esperanza.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://blueberrylemonade.pika.page/posts/i-wanted-to-be-like-my-dad">&ldquo;I wanted to be like my dad.&rdquo;</a> by Kyle (on Blueberry Lemonade).</strong> A thoughtful piece on how adulthood shifts our relationships with our parents. It&rsquo;s interesting — I seem to have the inverse experience: moving out of my mom&rsquo;s house, I think, brought us closer in many ways. But I still connect with Kyle&rsquo;s thesis about how our views of parents evolve; perhaps the nature of parenthood is seeing your child grow beyond you.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li>A lot of <strong>Friends at the Table</strong> content on Twitch. Joe is a fan of their podcasts and the folks involved; I&rsquo;m not into actual play podcasts or anime, so I don&rsquo;t join in, but I like watching some of their streams. I&rsquo;ve particularly enjoyed their <em>Stardew Valley</em> series.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood</em></strong>. I&rsquo;m back on my bullshit after watching <a href="https://www.twitch.tv/videos/2205413826">Austin Walker stream <em>Final Fantasy XI</em></a>. I&rsquo;ve played on and off since release, but this week I finished <em>Stormblood</em> (which I&rsquo;m tepid on) and am working my way toward <em>Shadowbringers</em> (which I&rsquo;ve heard nothing but praise for). I conned Joe into playing with me too, so it&rsquo;s been fun to see him go back through the early game quests. I have a lot of love in my heart for <em>A Realm Reborn</em>.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li>My <strong>Los Campesinos! <em>All Hell</em></strong> record has yet to arrive in the mail, so not that (but it did ship this week and is meant to be delivered tomorrow).</li> </ul> + + + ask yourself is that going to bring you peace, though? (week notes 002) + https://example.org/week-notes/002/ + Sun, 28 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/002/ + <p>I&rsquo;m continuing to try out doing Week Notes instead of monthly wrap ups. So far, so good! As a callback to my livejournal days, I&rsquo;m trying out using a random quote from something I&rsquo;m enjoying this week as my title (most likely, and true to my livejournal heart, cryptic song lyrics).</p> <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>My district is finally paying me to organize <strong>Safe Space trainings</strong>. This week, I got together with two other teachers to collaborate on plans, then delivered the training to a group of folks who we also prepared to do the training themselves. An immensely rewarding experience that felt like the culmination of four years of anger and despair and turned those feelings into something positive and productive.</li> <li>Trying to <strong>get organized and get on a better schedule</strong>. I woke up on Friday at 2:14pm (!!!) and felt awful about it. I spent a lot of time that day organizing my calendar (digital on Todoist, and I keep a physical planner) and setting some goals for myself so I don&rsquo;t spend the whole summer sleeping like a teenager.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> <li>I also want to <strong>cut down on my screen time for big social media apps</strong> (like Instagram and Facebook) — the ones that have no value other than to waste my time. I put a big ol&rsquo; screen time widget on the homescreen of my phone as a way to try to curtail the scrolling; I&rsquo;m hoping that, when I unlock my phone, I&rsquo;ll see that I&rsquo;ve already spent a substantial amount of time on these apps and choose something else instead. I love to be online, but I&rsquo;d rather <strong>spend that time on indie web spaces</strong> like bearblog, Mastodon (I need to find folks to follow! Please send me recs and/or your account, fellow bearbloggers — my email is in the footer), and 32bitcafe.</li> <li>This is a very long-term goal, but I want to <strong>migrate my curriculum map from Notion to Obsidian</strong>. I&rsquo;m increasingly trying to move to open source programs (to, hopefully, stave off enshittification). The <a href="https://github.com/marcusolsson/obsidian-projects">Obsidian Projects plugin</a> is helping to make this a reality, but I&rsquo;m still looking for a good way to create a rollup of my tags that includes the full standard text and a heatmap of how frequently the tag is used. I played a bit with <a href="https://gohugo.io">Hugo</a> and <a href="https://getgrav.org/">Grav</a> for this but found I was going <em>web first</em> in my approach when really I just wanted a content management system (which Obsidian is, in a way, albeit a private one).<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup></li> <li>I <strong>moved my server into a rack setup</strong> and relocated it to my basement. I&rsquo;ll probably put together a full post cataloguing that.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>How to Talk So Teens Will Listen &amp; Listen So Teens Will Talk</em> by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish</strong>. I&rsquo;ve read many recommendations for this book and thought it might help me in the classroom. I started and finished the book in two days — it&rsquo;s a quick but valuable read. Right now, all the ideas are theoretical, as I won&rsquo;t get to try them out until September, but I love the approach. The authors put into explicit steps the feeling that I&rsquo;ve always had: interactions with anyone, but especially children, need to be based on mutual respect, and adults cannot expect children to control their emotions if they are not willing to do the same. I&rsquo;d love to make this a book study among co-workers.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://louplummer.lol/computer-people/">Computer People</a> by Lou Plummer</strong>. A thoughtful piece about the evolution and entry of tech into our lives, particularly in education. Unfortunately I don&rsquo;t share Lou&rsquo;s rosy outlook: I still have lots of coworkers who don&rsquo;t regard themselves as &ldquo;computer people&rdquo; and resist any new technology (and call me for help when something is unplugged).</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em></strong>, continued from last week (<strong>season four</strong>)</li> <li><strong><em>Easy A</em> (2010)</strong>. I never saw this when it came out but always read positive talk about it. It was awful; few laughs and all the character&rsquo;s motivations and actions were puzzling. It seemed to exist only to sell the viewer on Emma Stone and to have her parade around in lingerie.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Stardew Valley</em>, update 1.6</strong>. I&rsquo;m playing a co-op save with Joe and my friend Nick. I love <em>Stardew</em> and am enjoying discovering some of the new changes and additions, but I&rsquo;m struggling with the chaos of a shared farm — Joe in particular has some very different organizational priorities than me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Youth Novels</em>, Lykke Li.</strong> I listened to this album for the first time in 2012 (&ldquo;Melodies &amp; Desires&rdquo; and &ldquo;Little Bit&rdquo; being the two I listened to with any regularity); it came up in a library shuffle and I realized I was listening to it in 160kbps. I replaced it with a higher quality rip and enjoyed hearing instruments and layers I didn&rsquo;t know existed before. I&rsquo;ve also a new appreciation for &ldquo;Breaking It Up,&rdquo; &ldquo;Hanging High,&rdquo; and &ldquo;I&rsquo;m Good, I&rsquo;m Gone.&rdquo;</li> <li>I&rsquo;d like to be listening to <strong><em>All Hell</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong>, the latest release by my favorite band, but I preordered it on vinyl and it still hasn&rsquo;t come in&hellip; I don&rsquo;t know how much longer I&rsquo;ll hold out.<sup id="fnref:3"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">3</a></sup></li> <li><strong>&ldquo;Red Leather&rdquo; by Future &amp; Metro Boomin</strong>. I still don&rsquo;t listen to much rap outside of Mac (a bit of Vince Staples, some Stormzy, some Princess Nokia), but I&rsquo;d like to branch out. I heard this in the background of (probably) an Instagram Reel and dig it (I hate that this is how folks, myself included, are discovering music these days).</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>In my heart of hearts, I am a lazy fucker, and I don&rsquo;t intend to change that. However, there&rsquo;s a lot I want to do during my summer break, and I know I&rsquo;ll be disappointed in myself if I waste away the <em>whole</em> summer being a lazy fucker. I want to allow myself time to relax, but balance is important.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + Week Notes 001 + https://example.org/week-notes/001/ + Sun, 21 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/001/ + <p>I <a href="https://esotericbullshit.net/tags/media-log/">tried out doing monthly media logs</a> and found it difficult to stick to; it became daunting to log everything, and I put the unnecessary onus on myself to also write down detailed thoughts on everything. I&rsquo;m going to try out shorter weekly notes instead. I want to have a record of and reflect on things that are important to me, so the effort matters, but perhaps this will be easier to maintain.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I&rsquo;m hoping to use this space to share out blog posts and other web content that I&rsquo;ve enjoyed, too.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/the-basic-eight/index.html b/public/the-basic-eight/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d8daef0 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/the-basic-eight/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,144 @@ + + + + + +I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it

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Spoilers to follow.

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I wrote in my week notes:

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The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler. Handler’s Adverbs is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved Watch Your Mouth, too. I need light reprieves from The Odyssey, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler’s bibliography. I’m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It’s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler’s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.

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I finished the book an hour or two after posting that.

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I stand by some of that: I love Handler’s prose, his humor, his ability to string you along in suspense when you know the ending, and paramount here, his playfulness with plot structures and meta-narrative. In reading others’ reviews online1, I am finding that detractors felt the main characters to be irritatingly privileged, unrealistic, and arty (to which I say of course they are — they are high school characters in a fictional book and they are meant to be — but I can see how that might make almost 400 page a slog to read for some2) and that the twist was easy to guess.

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Perhaps here is where I must turn in my English degree as I admit sheepishly that I did not see the twist coming at all, despite acknowledging Flannery as an unreliable narrator (clearly not realizing to what extent) and knowing in advance that there was a twist.3 I will reiterate my spoiler warning and no longer dance around it. Natasha, Flannery’s best friend and a purported member of the Basic Eight friend group, does not exist — is a manifestation of Flannery’s id, the voice and actor in what she wishes to say or do but lacks the courage to own. The twist is outplayed by the almost thirty years of media that stand between me and The Basic Eight’s publication (interestingly, the book was published in the same year Fight Club the movie was released, so perhaps it was more novel (get it?) a twist then), and it’s a shlockiness that I don’t expect from Handler (his adult novels, at least). In his defense, it was his first novel, and the shlock is intentional I think. And in my further defense (to whom? to whom?), while the twist is subtly revealed (thank you to the reviewer who mentioned page 99, which hits you right in the face), Handler also deliberately covers it up through the unreliable narration. There’s layers-upon-layers of clever unreliability at work, but the twist nonetheless left me dissatisfied by the ending. I closed the book and was left asking, “Is that all there is?”

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Having known that there was a twist ahead of me, I had hoped it was around Adam’s murder. Flannery reveals early in the narrative that she kills Adam, a boy she is in love with — the entire narration of the book hinges upon this, and the murder is the climax of the book. As I reached that moment, I read almost through my fingers and hoped that the twist was that she didn’t actually kill him; instead, that the twist was that she built this (again, intentionally) ridiculous narrative frame around an invented murder to cope with the simple fact of teenage heartbreak and shitty high school boys; creating the artifice of teen murder media frenzy as an allegory for the high school gossip scene; positioning herself as a ward of the state to punish herself for letting her teen angst bullshit tear apart the Basic Eight, her beloved band of misfits, disappointing and dissolving her friendship with Natasha, and losing herself in the process. The narrative frame would then fulfill Hattie’s prophecy that Flannery would become wise — in a typically kooky Handler way, by constructing fictional talk shows and discussion questions — but with the empty lesson we adults learn: wisdom comes through experience, and that experience usually blows.

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I am not a writer and it is for a good reason. Reader, she does kill Adam. My proposed revision is probably a corny ending too, and perhaps I need to eat the words I say to Joe as he makes us quit watching shows like Search Party because he can’t stand to watch characters make bad decisions over and over again: that’s conflict! That’s what makes for interesting stories! Flannery has to kill Adam because I’d be just as dissatisfied if she didn’t, and I’d be here complaining that Handler didn’t have the guts to follow through on his promising hook. I’ll keep telling myself that until I believe it.

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I’m left annoyed. Natasha being Flannery’s invented shadow-self seems clichéd by 2024 standards. It undercuts the beautiful, ride or die female friendship that I loved, especially during the uncomfortable4 episode with Mr. Carr. In fact, without Flannery and Natasha’s friendship, the girls of the Basic Eight friend group — Flannery included — are awfully catty to each other, in a way that makes me uncomfortable considering this book was written by an adult man.5 Flannery’s only supportive friends become the male ones — Douglas and Gabriel — and Kate and Flannery a derisive mockery of teenage girls who gossip and steal each other’s flames. Kate’s orchestration of the murder cover-up becomes a self-interested satisfaction that the ex who wronged her is dead; V___ is merely protecting her social standing; Lily is emotional and throws up in stress; Jenn I cannot remember at 1:28am; and Flannery, crucially, hates and excludes Flora. When there’s no light in the dark — no Natasha for Flannery — the representation of teenage female friendships and, by extension, teenage female characters becomes sneering instead of complex.

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Most egregiously, The Basic Eight’s twist feels like the bogey monster of but the main character was crazy all along!, which scrapes dangerously close to my other hated contrivance, it was all a dream, and it undercuts Handler’s actual main goal: to satirize the media frenzy of violent teens and Satanic panic. You can’t do that while also using the same devices of those who create Satanic panic. It’s instead a satire Ouroboros, feeding the thing it hopes to destroy.

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The Basic Eight is a good book. It is well-written and I enjoyed reading it mostly. The ending disappointed me. Those can all be compatible statements, simple truths, and I can live with that complication. I’ll keep saying that too until I believe it.

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Adverbs, I love you regardless.

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    I am choosing in this moment to treat online reviews as a literary salon instead of the crippling self-doubt of not being able to figure out what I think without seeing how others feel. Am I a people pleaser? A phony? As Flannery would write, more on that later. ↩︎

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    I am a formerly pretentious high schooler with a livejournal archive as documentary evidence, so not only am I deeply accustomed to this portrait, and any irritation is tinged with that darkened self-awareness that I am, in many ways, looking into a mirror. Is my dissatisfaction with the twist and Flannery’s eventual murder of Adam because I see too much of my teen self in Flannery? Discuss. ↩︎

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    This was my fun summer poolside read, where I can just turn off my brain and read for entertainment !, I say desperately, clinging to my waning credibility and intellect. ↩︎

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    It should be uncomfortable, because it’s a high school teacher raping one of his students, but here I use uncomfortable to mean “I’m not sure I’m okay with this being a plot device in the book, especially under the light of Natasha not being real.” ↩︎

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    Don’t even get me started on the body image shit. ↩︎

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Thirteen to Know Me

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@jamesmckz shared the following challenge on X earlier this month:

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No cheating - your Quietus style Bakers Dozen. 13 albums (off the top of your head) to know you by. Not looking for a perfect list, looking for a list that you instantly regret posting because you then remember something else.

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I approached my response largely as a list of albums that have meant something to me in my life — not necessarily what I’m actively listening to at the moment. Many of these albums I’ve not listened to much in years, but I consider them pivotal, essential listening for me.1

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  • We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed, Los Campesinos! - Los Campesinos! has been my favorite band since I was 13. I found them when I chanced upon “Death to Los Campesinos!” airing on mtvU; I spent the following few years obsessed, exploring their (at the time limited) discography and spiderwebbing through related acts (Slow Club, Xiu Xiu, Johnny Foreigner, Animal Collective — those often mentioned in the same breath or who dominated indie spaces at the time). WAB, WAD released when I was 14 years old and it marked me, as albums that release when you’re 14 do. LC!’s more recent releases receive more frequent plays for me these days, but WAB, WAD holds a special place: it’s brash and cheeky, blending the hyperactive indie pop of Hold On Now, Youngster… with the more mature, refined palates of what would come.
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  • Sick Scenes, Los Campesinos! - As of writing, Sick Scenes is LC!’s most recent, though not for long.2 It’s probably my all-around favorite release of theirs; it retains their signature mix of smart-mouth lyrics and overly-affected melodrama but beautifully pulls back the instrumentation. Sick Scenes is almost sparse in places, evoking a maturity in sound that distinguishes it from some of their earlier discography.3 It feels like LC! for the adult me.
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  • Sylvan Esso, Sylvan Esso - I don’t remember how I found “Hey Mami,” but the moment I stumbled upon it, I remember thinking to myself, “This is all I’m about from now on.” It’s infectiously catchy, and Sylvan Esso has an incredibly organic vocals and groovy beats. I listened to the album on and off for years, different tracks holding special esteem at different moments of my life. More recently, I bought the album on vinyl, and it’s probably been the most played of my collection. It’s my go-to for a chill evening, for a pick me up, for sharing music with just about any friend who walks in.
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  • Swimming, Mac Miller - I came to Mac after he died, and by that I mean right after. I saw the headlines announcing his overdose and despite knowing hardly anything about him (and not really listening to rap), I was shaken. I dove into his discography, and since then, he’s become my second most-streamed artist of all time. I go back and forth with his discography — sometimes I’m obsessed with Faces, others Watching Movies with the Sound Off, lately GO:OD AM — but I always come back to Swimming. To me, it’s his most complete, most mature album.4 It’s a zero-skip album for me (except for maybe “Come Back to Earth” — it feels like an intro, not a song), which is rare, even among this list.
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  • Yeah So, Slow Club - In the throes of my early teen obsession with Los Campesinos!, Slow Club was a close number two. I spent the summer of 2008 chatting on AIM with an online friend and listening to scarcely anything else. We loved the same music and exchanged lyrics and obsessions back and forth. Yeah So takes me back to then, to friendship and simpler times.
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  • Silent Alarm, Bloc Party - I feel I have little to say about Silent Alarm, comparatively, other than it fucking rocks. To me, it’s still the best of Bloc Party’s releases, and it’s another album with virtually zero skips.
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  • Ys, Joanna Newsom - Ys is a juggernaut — absolutely critical listening. It’s deep and daunting, with writing that sets my English teacher brain alight. When I try to expose friends to Joanna, I play them my favorite portion of “Only Skin,” hoping to win them over with the phenomenal prosody and abstract, imaginative lyricism (“Awful atoll — / O, incalculable indiscreetness and sorrow! / Bawl bellow: / Sibyl sea-cow, all done up in a bow / Toddle and roll / Teeth an impalpable bit of leather / while yarrow, heather and hollyhock awkwardly molt along the shore”), the jubilant and embattled refrain of “Being a woman, being a woman.” Joanna is an artist, and that artistry has grown and evolved since Ys, but Ys is pivotal.
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  • how i’m feeling now, Charli XCX - Charli is a more recent addition to my all-timers; I’ve still not really fully dived into her discography, but I love her rambunctious pop; to me, it’s the most successful (while still faithful) mainstream interpretation of the PC Music sound and ethos. how i’m feeling is the most consistent of Charli’s releases for me, and I first heard it shortly after its release, making it particularly timely, as an album primarily written and recorded during early days of the pandemic.
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  • Chants, The Peripheral Ones - This is the most esoteric of my bullshit. I made it a point in my teen years to find the most obscure music possible that was also somewhat listenable. That took me frequently to sites like purevolume and Myspace, where I looked for artists with small followings. I somehow stumbled upon The Middle Ones, and they became a relic of my music library that I’d revisit from time to time. In 2015, I saw someone shared a link to Chants, an album of Middle Ones covers, on the now-defunct anorak forums. I positively love these covers, which are clear products of love and reverence that still experiment and innovate.
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  • In Sickness & In Flames, The Front Bottoms - I don’t believe in the concept of guilty pleasures, but if I did, The Front Bottoms would be mine. I know they’re not good. I know Brian Sella can’t sing. But what else am I meant to do with lyrics like “You’ll always be my girlfriend / Even after we get married / And no matter how sad I am / I’ll try to make you happy”?
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  • Visions, Grimes - I am deeply uncomfortable calling myself a Grimes fan post-Elon (probably pre- too, if I’m being honest — Grimes has been on her bullshit for a long time). I was no stranger to weird shit when I started listening to Grimes, but Grimes was a new kind of weird bullshit for me. In Visions especially, the vocals and lyrics are at times abstracted and indistinct. They’re like another instrument, layered into wandering synthesizers and catchy beats. Visions is a huge, remarkable album made by a deeply problematic person. I’m allowed a few of those.
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  • An Awesome Wave, alt+J - When I think of albums that instantly transport me back to an era of my life, An Awesome Wave is up there. I listened to the record a bunch in my first year of college, a time where I was clawing out of the deepest depression of my life and beginning to figure out who I wanted to be. alt+J is passé, these days, but at the time, they were a fresh wave for me — musically and emotionally.
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  • Dear God, I Hate Myself, Xiu Xiu - By contrast, Xiu Xiu is what I was listening to when I was incredibly depressed and unhappy, to the point where I swore off of them for a few years as I tried to get to a better place, mentally. Dear God, I Hate Myself has crept itself back, but it’s another one that’s indicative and evocative of an era of my life that is etched in memory and that I am glad to have left behind.
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    Presented in no particular order and, as the prompt outlines, with a lot of regrets. ↩︎

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    Los Campesinos! announced their seventh full LP a few weeks ago. ↩︎

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    Which I love dearly; reflecting on this list, I’m debating with myself as to whether this should really be Romance is Boring and I’m full of baloney. ↩︎

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    Unsurprisingly, given that it is the last he released before he passed. ↩︎

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Week Notes 001

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I tried out doing monthly media logs and found it difficult to stick to; it became daunting to log everything, and I put the unnecessary onus on myself to also write down detailed thoughts on everything. I’m going to try out shorter weekly notes instead. I want to have a record of and reflect on things that are important to me, so the effort matters, but perhaps this will be easier to maintain.1 I’m hoping to use this space to share out blog posts and other web content that I’ve enjoyed, too.

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Doing

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    I redesigned my bearblog from scratch. It’s not much different than what I had before, but it’s a dramatically simpler stylesheet. I’m also loading the css from a server and embedding that within bearblog, which means I can use my preferred app (VSCodium) to write the code and bypass the bearblog editor.2

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    I’m trying to get back into running after I completed The Trevor Project’s 53 mile challenge in June. I haven’t run since then until this week. I also picked up the Shokz OpenRun Mini on Prime Day which have been cool to try out on my runs.

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Reading

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    I dream of a better Xbox Game Pass by Phil Bothun, a great post on Game Pass’s enshittification and how it could be more consumer-oriented

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    Emerging on Emma’s Dilemmas. It’s always lovely to see a new face on the bearblog discover page, and Emma’s prose is fantastic. I can’t wait to read more from them.

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    Cultural Competence Now by Vernita Mayfield. I’ve joined my school district’s team DEI and we’re using this book to frame our work.

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    The Odyssey (Emily Wilson translation). I taught the Gareth Hinds graphic novel version of The Odyssey to my students at the end of this past school year. They and I enjoyed it way more than anticipated, and it motivated me to take on reading the actual text for the first time. The introduction and translator’s note in this version comprise a daunting 95 pages in my edition, so I’ve read that, Book 1, and into Book 2. I love Wilson’s ethos in approaching the translation and am enjoying it thus far.

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Watching

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    Gilmore Girls, season three (one of the best, I think, if not the) and four (also one of my favorites). Gilmore Girls was a staple in my house growing up: we binged it as a family when I was in middle school and then endlessly rewatched the DVD collection. A friend of mine and her daughter have been watching it together, and they recently invited me over for a Gilmore night, which triggered the rewatch. I’m happy to say that I still love the show dearly (despite its many faults). Joe has also (voluntarily!) joined in on my rewatch.

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    Another Cinderella Story. Watched with a friend for nostalgia reasons (on her part). I’m more of a Jennifer Coolidge fan, and the real life age gap between the romantic leads is disturbing — especially when Selena was a minor.

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Playing

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  • Stardew Valley’s 1.6 update
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  • Picross e series on my Switch, mostly when watching Gilmore Girls
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Listening

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  • BRAT, Charli XCX. BRAT might be my album of the year; I love Charli and I think BRAT is her magnum opus. “I think about it all the time” has hit particularly hard, as I’m having these same conversations with my partner right now.3
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  • Minecraft Volume Beta and Volume Alpha, C418. I’m not a big Minecraft player, but I love the soundtracks as background noise.
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  • Weather, Tycho. I picked this up on vinyl this week. Great music to have in the background while working or relaxing.
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  • xx, The xx. Another record store pickup. A moody, atmospheric album. I first got into The xx in 2012, after I heard “Heart Skipped a Beat” in, I believe, an H&M.4 It was nice to return to the album and reminisce. I’d forgotten how much I love “Night Time.”
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  • Gilmore Guys. Joe loves podcasts and this one has motivated him to join me in the Gilmore Girls rewatch. I listened through to the show years ago, so it has been a little weird to revisit. We’re in their early days (season two), which is rough: many of their guests hate Gilmore Girls, which does not make for fun listening. Things get better (and, in my opinion, the podcast gets funnier) as they go on. I do find all of the singing cringy now, which I don’t recall from my first listen. Gilmore Guys was one of the first podcasts I really listened to, so perhaps now I’m just much more exposed to different shows and styles.
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    I will allow myself the clemency to miss weeks, too. ↩︎

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    The bearblog editor isn’t bad by any means; it is, by design, simple. But I like to have syntax highlighting and auto-complete. ↩︎

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    Sans-international travel and pop star career, of course. ↩︎

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    It’s shocking how much music I’ve discovered from retail stores. I also got into PC Music and SOPHIE after I heard “Hey QT” in an H&M too. ↩︎

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ask yourself is that going to bring you peace, though? (week notes 002)

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I’m continuing to try out doing Week Notes instead of monthly wrap ups. So far, so good! As a callback to my livejournal days, I’m trying out using a random quote from something I’m enjoying this week as my title (most likely, and true to my livejournal heart, cryptic song lyrics).

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Doing

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  • My district is finally paying me to organize Safe Space trainings. This week, I got together with two other teachers to collaborate on plans, then delivered the training to a group of folks who we also prepared to do the training themselves. An immensely rewarding experience that felt like the culmination of four years of anger and despair and turned those feelings into something positive and productive.
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  • Trying to get organized and get on a better schedule. I woke up on Friday at 2:14pm (!!!) and felt awful about it. I spent a lot of time that day organizing my calendar (digital on Todoist, and I keep a physical planner) and setting some goals for myself so I don’t spend the whole summer sleeping like a teenager.1
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  • I also want to cut down on my screen time for big social media apps (like Instagram and Facebook) — the ones that have no value other than to waste my time. I put a big ol’ screen time widget on the homescreen of my phone as a way to try to curtail the scrolling; I’m hoping that, when I unlock my phone, I’ll see that I’ve already spent a substantial amount of time on these apps and choose something else instead. I love to be online, but I’d rather spend that time on indie web spaces like bearblog, Mastodon (I need to find folks to follow! Please send me recs and/or your account, fellow bearbloggers — my email is in the footer), and 32bitcafe.
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  • This is a very long-term goal, but I want to migrate my curriculum map from Notion to Obsidian. I’m increasingly trying to move to open source programs (to, hopefully, stave off enshittification). The Obsidian Projects plugin is helping to make this a reality, but I’m still looking for a good way to create a rollup of my tags that includes the full standard text and a heatmap of how frequently the tag is used. I played a bit with Hugo and Grav for this but found I was going web first in my approach when really I just wanted a content management system (which Obsidian is, in a way, albeit a private one).2
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  • I moved my server into a rack setup and relocated it to my basement. I’ll probably put together a full post cataloguing that.
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Reading

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  • How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I’ve read many recommendations for this book and thought it might help me in the classroom. I started and finished the book in two days — it’s a quick but valuable read. Right now, all the ideas are theoretical, as I won’t get to try them out until September, but I love the approach. The authors put into explicit steps the feeling that I’ve always had: interactions with anyone, but especially children, need to be based on mutual respect, and adults cannot expect children to control their emotions if they are not willing to do the same. I’d love to make this a book study among co-workers.
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  • Computer People by Lou Plummer. A thoughtful piece about the evolution and entry of tech into our lives, particularly in education. Unfortunately I don’t share Lou’s rosy outlook: I still have lots of coworkers who don’t regard themselves as “computer people” and resist any new technology (and call me for help when something is unplugged).
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Watching

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  • Gilmore Girls, continued from last week (season four)
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  • Easy A (2010). I never saw this when it came out but always read positive talk about it. It was awful; few laughs and all the character’s motivations and actions were puzzling. It seemed to exist only to sell the viewer on Emma Stone and to have her parade around in lingerie.
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Playing

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  • Stardew Valley, update 1.6. I’m playing a co-op save with Joe and my friend Nick. I love Stardew and am enjoying discovering some of the new changes and additions, but I’m struggling with the chaos of a shared farm — Joe in particular has some very different organizational priorities than me.
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Listening

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  • Youth Novels, Lykke Li. I listened to this album for the first time in 2012 (“Melodies & Desires” and “Little Bit” being the two I listened to with any regularity); it came up in a library shuffle and I realized I was listening to it in 160kbps. I replaced it with a higher quality rip and enjoyed hearing instruments and layers I didn’t know existed before. I’ve also a new appreciation for “Breaking It Up,” “Hanging High,” and “I’m Good, I’m Gone.”
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  • I’d like to be listening to All Hell, Los Campesinos!, the latest release by my favorite band, but I preordered it on vinyl and it still hasn’t come in… I don’t know how much longer I’ll hold out.3
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  • “Red Leather” by Future & Metro Boomin. I still don’t listen to much rap outside of Mac (a bit of Vince Staples, some Stormzy, some Princess Nokia), but I’d like to branch out. I heard this in the background of (probably) an Instagram Reel and dig it (I hate that this is how folks, myself included, are discovering music these days).
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    In my heart of hearts, I am a lazy fucker, and I don’t intend to change that. However, there’s a lot I want to do during my summer break, and I know I’ll be disappointed in myself if I waste away the whole summer being a lazy fucker. I want to allow myself time to relax, but balance is important. ↩︎

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    I wish I knew enough to develop a custom flat-file static-site generator geared at teachers who want to write lesson plans in Markdown, but alas, I do not — and I imagine the market for that is fairly narrow, so I am left to repurpose other, more general tools for a fairly specific use case. ↩︎

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    I did buy the digital deluxe off Bandcamp, so I have that and can easily play it off the speakers I use for my turntable, but I also ordered new speakers for my PC, so perhaps this will be their first rodeo… ↩︎

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clean as paper before the poem (week notes 003)

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Doing

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  • I was in school for a few days this week: one for a school improvement team meeting, where we made plans for the upcoming school year that have me really excited; another DEI committee meeting; and an English curriculum planning day. I also started moving some of the furniture in my classroom into place — I’m rearranging for next year.
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  • I received a postcard in the mail from Veronique! I love this idea to take the small web to snail mail (and am generally a big fan of her blog).
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Reading

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  • what it’s like by kelsey. Less reading and more admiring: is this what the notebooks and brains of the creative and artistic are like? Others admire mine for its neatness and consistency, small, even printing repeated across page and page, the same thoughts over and over again, like photocopies. I love the color, the doodles, the spontaneity kelsey has, and this is what I love about bearblog: the glimpses into the minds of others.
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  • Cultural Competence Now by Vernita Mayfield. Continued from a previous week; this week, I read the third chapter for my district’s DEI Committee.
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  • The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros. I’m integrating this book into my curriculum for the next school year. It’s a beautiful, poetic, important text, and I’m so excited to read it with my kids. It’s heavy, and the unit I’ve planned around it is challenging, but I want to be more rigorous in my curriculum, and I think the kids will really connect with Esperanza.
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  • “I wanted to be like my dad.” by Kyle (on Blueberry Lemonade). A thoughtful piece on how adulthood shifts our relationships with our parents. It’s interesting — I seem to have the inverse experience: moving out of my mom’s house, I think, brought us closer in many ways. But I still connect with Kyle’s thesis about how our views of parents evolve; perhaps the nature of parenthood is seeing your child grow beyond you.
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Watching

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  • A lot of Friends at the Table content on Twitch. Joe is a fan of their podcasts and the folks involved; I’m not into actual play podcasts or anime, so I don’t join in, but I like watching some of their streams. I’ve particularly enjoyed their Stardew Valley series.
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Playing

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  • Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood. I’m back on my bullshit after watching Austin Walker stream Final Fantasy XI. I’ve played on and off since release, but this week I finished Stormblood (which I’m tepid on) and am working my way toward Shadowbringers (which I’ve heard nothing but praise for). I conned Joe into playing with me too, so it’s been fun to see him go back through the early game quests. I have a lot of love in my heart for A Realm Reborn.
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Listening

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  • My Los Campesinos! All Hell record has yet to arrive in the mail, so not that (but it did ship this week and is meant to be delivered tomorrow).
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I love when you invoke my death (week notes 004)

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Doing

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  • Joe and I went to the lake with two friends. We did some kayaking1 and went swimming, then returned to our house to have a belated birthday celebration for Joe.
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  • I played around with Hugo and thought about moving this blog (back) there. I love the bearblog community and don’t want to leave it, but I also want to build a personal site out more. I’m conflicted, but for now, I’m sticking on bearblog.2 I also bought a domain without a plan to use it — I love cassieland, but this one speaks to me, and it has an air of anonymity, which is appealing should I pursue my goal to blog more; anonymity feels safer.
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  • Joe and I went to visit family, so we’re spending a weekend lake- and pool-side, and I’m reminded for the ten thousandth time of how wonderful he is with children. The biological clock ticks.
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Reading

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  • How Did This New Harry Potter Ride Get Approved? by Brendon Bigley. I used to be a tremendous Harry Potter fan but consciously decoupled from the series given J.K. Rowling’s modern social campaign of hate. I’ve gone to and enjoyed Universal’s Wizarding World, but I agree with Brendon’s stance: it is bizarre when Universal leans into the thinly veiled Nazism parallels for their theme park and ask attendees to rejoice in war crime trials.
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  • The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler. Handler’s Adverbs is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved Watch Your Mouth, too. I need light reprieves from The Odyssey, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler’s bibliography. I’m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It’s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler’s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.
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Watching

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  • Gilmore Girls, season five. Continuing on; we are reaching the point where Joe stopped watching years ago — I had him watch the show with me when we first started dating — so I’m excited to get into fresh content. Unfortunately, the show goes downhill, in my opinion, by season six, so we are in the last of the good.
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  • America’s Next Top Model, cycle six. If I believed in guilty pleasures, ANTM would be mine. Fortunately I don’t, so I can indulge all I’d like in junk food TV. I think the first seven seasons are all gold, but I was in the mood for Jade’s antics in six — truly one of the most unhinged individuals to ever appear on the show.
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  • Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse. An incredible follow-up to a film I loved very much; I agree that the cliffhanger ending undercuts some of the story’s structure, but if you frame it as Gwen’s story — which I think it was in many ways — it’s a lot more satisfying, like a sophomore sojourn into another major character. On a technical and artistic level, it’s a remarkable achievement; the painterly visuals and use of color in Gwen’s universe were particular standouts.
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Listening

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  • All Hell, Los Campesinos! My record finally came in. It’s going to take time for me to form an opinion and weight it against their discography — I’ve got to let it sink — but as of right now, I really like it. “Clown Blood” is an early favorite.
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    Our friends brought their kayaks and Joe rented one. We would like to invest in our own, but most of our money this summer has gone to home repairs. Maybe next summer. ↩︎

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    Having a big complicated site seems appealing right now, but I have to remember I’m on summer break: when school kicks back up, the low maintenance of bearblog will probably be paramount. ↩︎

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the secrecy won't keep you free (week notes 005)

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  • This week I learned that I’m allergic to yellowjacket stings in the worst way possible (not that there’s a good way). I was attacked by a nest of them while mowing the lawn and had to go to the ER.
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  • Contemplating my intense introversion.
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  • I was able to finally get together with a dear friend for a walk through the park — we have been trying to see each other for a while now but schedules and weather kept getting in the way. Talking to her, a kindred spirit, nourishes me.
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Reading

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  • The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler. Finished in the first hours of this week. I wrote up a full post with my thoughts.
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  • Death Is Not an Option by Suzanne Rivecca. I’m about halfway through this. It’s middling; there’s a lot of weird sex that I simply do not connect to, and all of the narrators / protagonists feel the same even though this is a collection of unrelated short stories.
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  • There’s an apostrophe battle brewing among grammar nerds. Is it Harris’ or Harris’s? by Holly Tamer. This is the kind of presidential race news coverage I want to see in this world.
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Watching

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  • Into the Aether’s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke. I really like Into the Aether and the TWG network, and Joe is a big fan of watching Pokemon challenges on YouTube. We are not far in, but we are enjoying it so far.
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Playing

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  • Rock Band 4. I have a friend visiting this week — it’s a great party game.
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  • Carcassone. A board game staple in my house.
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Listening

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  • Nothing particular beyond some shuffles, but my mom came over with her old Fleetwood Mac records and we realized that my record player has been spinning slightly too fast (~33.7rpm instead of 33.3). I noticed it months ago with Mac Miller’s GO:ODAM, but I thought it might just be the press. We fixed it and now I feel I have to re-listen to all my records.
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I want to sleep and dream alone (week notes 006)

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Doing

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  • I was at school one day this week for an orientation for some student leaders.
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  • I went to Six Flags and realized I’m old; my tolerance for roller coasters is, suddenly, shockingly low.
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  • Feeling extreme relief but also guilt for being such an introvert — lately I feel I’m an anti-social loner, but friends have reassured me that these feelings are normal and everyone enjoys and protects their alone time (to an extent, depending on the person). All I really want to do is be alone in my house, left to do my silly little projects.
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  • I’m trying still to move away from big, corporate social media — I have been spending more time on Mastodon and the bearblog discover feed. I’ve scarcely opened Twitter, and I’ve set 30m app timers for Facebook and Instagram. I rarely hit it for either, but something about knowing the timer is there makes me more conscious of the time I’m wasting on them. I’m not happy yet with my screen time as a whole, but at least I feel I’m seeing more of real people (and people I choose to follow) than algorithms and dark patterns.
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  • On Friday, I went to IKEA with a friend and my sister to get some things for the house and a few items for my classroom.
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  • I intended to go into school on Saturday and begin some of the physical setup I need to do, but I felt sick and exhausted. I took a COVID test (negative) — I’m hoping it’s just holdover from a long day of driving on Friday.
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Reading

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  • Studying to be a teacher in the modern day by Sparrow. I feel the same about teaching as Sparrow: it’s a hard career to choose in today’s education system and economic climate, but teaching is so intrinsically part of me that I can’t see myself doing anything else. Even with the stress, the low pay, the poor working conditions, I love it.
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  • What a demure, mindful, and brat summer by Kayla. Great introspective piece on trends and shifting mindsets. As I get older, I’m less connected to fads (especially because I’m not on TikTok and have curated my social media feeds), but I do try hard to understand them — I never want to be someone who brushes things off as “kids these days” absurdity and who blames the younger generation for every societal woe. Brat summer and demure sound silly, but there’s importance in trying to understand what matters to young people1 — and we can only reach state of cooperation and harmony through mutual understanding and respect.
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  • Help! I Invited My Coworkers Into a Very Personal Part of My Life. Now I Really Regret It. by Hillary Frey. I read Dear, Prudence often to satisfy my busybody tendencies and, occasionally, to talk through social quandaries with my partner. The first letter here hit particularly hard; I am a teacher and regularly have coworkers ask super invasive questions about my family planning. I’m friends with someone who went through IVF and she’s opened my eyes to how these “innocent questions” (they’re not) can hurt folks dealing with infertility. I’m not, but even I find questions about whether I’m trying for a baby super invasive!
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  • finding kindness online by ava. A great piece about connection in gaming. I have baggage with video game-centric spaces online, but this gives me some hope.
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Watching

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  • America’s Next Too Model, cycle 1. Mostly passive viewing while folding laundry, but cycle 1 has a special quality. It feels less like a reality show and more like a documentary about what it’s like to be on a reality show. The budget is clearly low and the show hadn’t established its structure just yet, so the contestants learn how the show works along with us. It feels grounded and authentic — for a season of Top Model, that is.
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  • Into the Aether’s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke Joe and I are continuing this and still really loving it!
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Playing

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  • Final Fantasy XIV. I’m slowly working through the post-Stormblood patch content. Joe is still playing through A Realm Reborn, so I’m levelling Warrior to do dungeons alongside him as a new class. I’m enduring the slow, painful grind of levelling my Squadrons, too. I like the concept of Squadrons — they remind me of my beloved Final Fantasy Tactics Advance,2 but unfortunately there is very little variety and a lot of waiting involved here.
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  • Pokémon White Version. I was inspired to jump into a Pokémon game by the Nuzlocke Joe and I are watching. I’ve never really played White; maybe a year ago I did the first three gyms, but I remember none of it. I started it over on Saturday night.
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Listening

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Nothing really specific — just some shuffles. I have, however, started tracking my listening data to listenbrainz!

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    and, also, I loved brat. ↩︎

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    I’ve never played Final Fantasy Tactics, even though I love Tactics Advance and Final Fantasy XII. I have no interest in playing a PS1 or PSP game at the moment (or ever? — no hate to either console or their libraries, but I like modern conveniences and quality of life upgrades), so I’m waiting for the remake that is almost certainly in the works. ↩︎

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I guess I feel a bit lost without you (week notes 007)

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Doing

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  • I re-did my website! I’ve detailed it all in a separate post, but I’m really excited about making weird stuff online here. I will miss being on the bearblog discovery feed, but this is also a push for me to get involved more on webrings & other small web communities.1
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  • I’m starting to get my classroom ready for the school year. I’m really excited about some of the changes I’m making — the physical layout of the room, curricular changes, routines, and philosophies. We go back to school on Tuesday, so this is really the end stretch of summer.
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  • I was pretty social this week! I had a friend and coworker over to help us identify some of the plants we have on our property; had a different friend over to play some games; went to see a Fleetwood Mac cover band with some of my partner’s coworkers; and had my sister and her boyfriend over to go hiking and out to lunch.
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Reading

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  • An unrelenting sense of longing (or: “Maps”) by Keenan. “Maps” rocks and I love reading fellow music sickos.
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  • Death Is Not an Option by Suzanne Rivecca. Plugging along, slowly. Rivecca’s prose is excellent but none of the stories have really gripped me; all the protagonists are of a singular type that I don’t really connect to.
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Watching

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  • Pokémon White Version. Played here and there; I think I’m losing my enthusiasm for it.
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  • We had a friend over and played a little Rock Band and Mario Party Superstars.
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  • Final Fantasy XIV. Just a bit on Sunday night; focusing on leveling my Marauder (almost to 50!) and my Squadrons. I’ve also started doing my Sylph Beast Tribe quests again because I want the Goobbue Mount.
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Listening

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  • Oblivion Will Own Me and Death Alone Will Love Me (Void Filler), Every Moment of Every Day, and Fates Worse Than Death, Short Fictions. I saw Short Fictions at Warsaw when they opened for Los Campesinos! I really enjoyed them live and sat down to listen to a few of their albums (they were kind enough to post their setlist!). Their music lacks some novelty compared to the live performance, but I still like a few songs — notably, “Anymore,” “Nothingness Lies Coiled at the Heart of Being (It’s Such a Good Feeling),” and “Forever Endeavor.”
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  • “Feather Test” by A Weather. This may be my song this year.2 I fell in love with it a few months ago and returned to it this week. I love, I love, I love (I will, I will). A beautiful, breathy mix of fleeting, intersecting harmonies with a rich and simplistic production. Every line strikes. (“Brush your hand / Across where you felt me / Do I pass the feather test?”)
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    Also, importantly, I blog to write, not to be read. I guess. ↩︎

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    The song came out 17 years ago. I don’t care. It means something to me now. ↩︎

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the birds remember how to come home (week notes 008)

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Doing

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  • School is officially back in session, so my free time is much more limited now. I’m optimistic for the year, though!
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Reading

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  • Death Is Not an Option by Suzanne Rivecca. Finished at last. I have not much new to say compared to last week. I felt a notable sense of relief to be done with it and free to move on.
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  • Write as you wish: a call to bring back the prose by Marisabel. I’m not a good enough writer for this to be applicable, so call this aspirational reading.
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  • back at it & social media free by kristin. I’ve pretty much dropped Twitter in the last few weeks — I really want to separate myself from toxic online spaces.
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  • Please please please please please please share your big dumb beautiful self with the world by Keenan. “What does it look like to put yourself on a page, or in a photo, or a brushstroke, or a string plucked and reverberating harmoniously out into the room? When does the screaming inside become loud enough, so all-encompassing that you open up the door to let it pour out of you?”
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Watching

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  • America’s Next Top Model, cycle three. Top Model is my comfort show right now. I love the first seven cycles best, but cycle three has a special place in my heart. It’s one of the first cycles I ever saw and has one of the most entertaining casts. The modelling itself is pretty poor, but that’s not really what Top Model was about.
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  • Run Button’s Star Wars Outlaws streams. I’m really interested in Outlaws based on what I’ve seen; Keith has been complaining about the stealth a lot in the streams, but I think a good amount of that has been player error.
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Playing

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  • Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords. I’ve tried to get Joe to play KotOR for years, but he was turned off by the combat. We listened to A More Civilized Age’s coverage together, though (he’s a big Friends at the Table fan), and it got him interested in KotOR II (despite my insisting for years that it is the finest piece of Star Wars media). We’re playing through together — me with the controller but collectively making decisions. We’re still on Peragus (gross), but I’m enjoying revisiting it. This will be my first time playing it in at least ten years and my first time with the restored content mod.
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  • Life’s a Riot With Spy vs Spy, Billy Bragg. I like “A New England” a whole lot; the rest was good but didn’t grab me. There’s a sparseness and intimacy that struck me when I first heard “A New England,” but the novelty had worn off for the other tracks.
    • +
  • For Emma, Forever Ago, Bon Iver. I listened to this all the way through one night and it unfortunately really spoke to me. I know I’ve listened through it before, years ago, and I didn’t care for anything except “Skinny Love”; this time around, every track hit.
    • +
  • “Bishop, CA” and “Wig Master,” Xiu Xiu. I swore off Xiu Xiu back in 2013 or so after listening to them heavily during a deep depression; I’m not cold turkey on them anymore, but they’re not in my regular rotation either. I’ve been thinking of these two, some of my favorites then.1
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    in so far as any Xiu Xiu song is a “favorite” and not “a desperate cry for help” ↩︎

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666 with a princess streak (week notes 009)

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Doing

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  • Working on getting off big corporate social media, still. I’m almost entirely off Twitter; I keep the app just because I have a few notifications set for when specific people tweet (mostly bands who tweet out tour dates), but I’m otherwise mostly on Mastodon (social.lol) and Discord. Cohost going down was sad to see even if I was never an active user and there were problems with it, but its downfall impressed on me even further the importance of owning your content — and it made me really happy to have this space for my thoughts and writing.
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  • I got my COVID booster and flu shot on Friday, which put me out of order for some time. Glad to have them done, however; one day of discomfort is worth it!
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  • The weight of being a teacher really set on me this week — not the teaching work, which I love, but the emotional weight of my students’ lives. It’s especially hard to see kids that remind me of myself at their age and wish I could impart all that I’ve learned — but knowing that there are no shortcuts and that the only way out for them is through. I can’t pluck them out; they have to live it. I can only hope to be there for them as they do.
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Reading

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  • No One Belongs Here More than You, Miranda July. This has been in my Amazon wishlist for I don’t know how long — long enough that I’ve forgotten where I’d found it or why I’d wanted to read it. I liked the cover a lot, I guess. Anyway, I feel this is suffering from my reading it so soon after Death Is Not an Option as I have much of the same opinion: excellent prose but turned off by all the weird sex.1 I find July’s narrators and conceits to be far more varied than Rivecca’s, but Rivecca never made me read about an old man who fantasizes about teenage girls, so I automatically like her better.
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  • Meet Lochlan O’Neil, the creator of DashCon on Garbage Day. “I had to go to extensive therapy because I was like, “oh my god, I, Lochlan O’Neil, single-handedly destroyed fandom culture?”
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Watching

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  • Pokémon 4Ever. Joe and I got our shit rocked by the COVID and flu shots and decided to watch this. Middling, but a surprising environmentalist message. I’m realizing how much of who Joe is goes back to Pokémon, of all things.
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  • Gilmore Girls, season five. Joe and I went back in for a few episodes in our shot stupor. Still enjoyable, but we are quickly gaining on the last of the good episodes in my opinion.
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Listening

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  • i,i, Bon Iver. Not bad, but I like For Emma and 22, A Million far more.
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  • Chants, The Peripheral Ones. I’ve said before that this album is perhaps the most esoteric of my bullshit; it’s a cover album of a little-known2 Myspace-era band, The Middle Ones, done by pigthe (the guitarist for Trust Fund). The album is obscure enough that it’s not on MusicBrainz (I’m aware that I could add it) and the band has 23 listeners on last.fm. I love it and go back to it often.
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    reading these books back to back has left me wondering if I’m somehow unconsciously selecting books only written by deviants or if I’m just so vanilla that my gauge for sexual content is skewed ↩︎

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    Outside of the (now gone) anorak forum, I guess. ↩︎

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I know if I don't go now I won't make it out (week notes 010)

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  • My volleyball rec league started back up! I’m awful and uncoordinated on the court, but it’s fun to play with friends, and I have learned the hard way that I’m a lot less depressed when I’m active.
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  • I’m enjoying reading ex-cohost folks on the bearblog discovery feed. The trending feed can get a little stale.1 I hope they stick around.
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  • I took a walk (and a run) with a dear friend that I’ve been trying to get together with for a while. She’s decades older than me, but we are incredibly like-minded. Kindred spirits. I appreciate her wisdom and guidance and friendship immensely as she listens to all my neuroses.
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  • On Sunday night, Joe and I went to a wedding for two of our best friends. Maybe I’ll make a longer post with all that stirs up for me — thoughts on marriage and commitment…
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  • Unfortunately, I left the wedding feeling sick. COVID test was negative so here’s hoping it’s just allergies from the changing season.
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Reading

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  • No One Belongs Here More than You, Miranda July. I stand by what I said last week. I think I need a break from the sexual deviants I’m apparently (and unconsciously) selecting lately. I’m glad to be done with this; I appreciated July’s occasional wit and found it Handler-esque, but those touches were few and far between, and the rest of it mostly just grossed me out.
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  • My next books will be The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating, recommended by a friend and coworker, and, I think, Into the Wild, which I’ve always meant to read. It might not seem like much for an English teacher, but these past few months I’ve been reading for pleasure more than I have in years and it has me feeling so full. It’s great to rediscover that joy.2
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  • “Linkin Park, From Zero” by n3verm0re. I’m not a Linkin Park fan by any means, but I have been interested in seeing how a group reawakens after such a tremendous loss. I really enjoyed this piece about it.
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Listening

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  • Green Dream in F# and Rare Birds, The Bug Club. I asked a student of mine what kind of music she listened to; she said her music was too weird and I’d probably never heard of it. I took that as a personal challenge. But it’s not that weird — although, as an (ex?) Xiu Xiu listener, my barometer is off. I liked both albums! They’re light, fun listening, and absolutely up my alley.
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  • Romance is Boring, Los Campesinos! Listening to the music students of mine like has me thinking about the music I was in love with at their age. RiB came out at the exact right time for me and holds a special place in my heart. I listen to tracks from it often, but this was the first time I’d revisited some deeper cuts, like “Who Fell Asleep In,” in years.
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  • All Hell, Los Campesinos! I’m still forming my larger thoughts on All Hell, but it was interesting to compare side-by-side with RiB. It is far more even and consistent in quality — RiB has some all-timers but also some real duds (“Plan A”) — but there is a visceral, adolescent melodrama to RiB that All Hell lacks. All Hell is instead grown up and wistfully forlorn, especially compared to juggernauts like “I Just Sighed.” Both are good and appropriate for me at different times and headspaces, but RiB holds more of hook — although I have fifteen years of relationship and baggage with it compared to All Hell.
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  • I’m thinking about a recurring theme in songs I am or have been fixated on — +
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    • “Drops (reprise),” The Peripheral Ones - “I know if I don’t go now I won’t make it out” +
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      • “The Whale Song,” Modest Mouse - “I guess I am a scout / so I should find a way out / so everyone can find a way out”
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    • “Ave Maria,” Mac Miller - “Have you found a way out?” & “Come Back to Earth” - “I just need a way out of my head / I’ll do anything for a way out of my head”
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  • — the idea of making it out is, of course, not a unique theme, but perhaps it’s why The House on Mango Street resonated with me: “For the ones I left behind. For the ones who cannot out.”
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  1. +

    I think posts don’t decay quickly enough from the feed, and the top page or two of trending posts are all by the same handful of people. There’s a handful of very active posters, which is a great thing, but I like to see variety there. ↩︎

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    A friend of mine, a music teacher, told me a few months ago, sadly, that she wasn’t finding joy in listening to music recreationally anymore. She made a life change and was hoping to reclaim it. I think that’s what inspired me to start reading again. I of course engage with literature in my job as an English teacher, but it’s not always mentally stimulating — for the most parts, I’m reading the same texts over and over to a young audience. ↩︎

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but let's talk about you for a minute (week notes 011)

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I’m doing two weeks in one post. Last week I was dead sick and working too much so I didn’t assemble a post throughout the week as I normally do.

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Doing

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  • Joe and I drove back to ___ for a funeral… and then back, all in one day. Eight hours on the road, but it was nice to spend some time together, singing and talking about heavy things.1
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  • I ran four miles in one go! Not without stopping and walking, and I’m far from my best times, but I’m trying to rebuild my endurance and speed after taking a long time off.
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  • I’m trying to get back into skin care. I’ve never had a thorough routine, but I’ve been slacking even on the meager bit I do. I looked in the mirror and saw an old person looking back at me, so I’ve been cleansing and moisturizing on a near-daily basis now.
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Reading

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  • The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating by Elizabeth Tova Bailey. I’m reading this on recommendation of a friend and coworker. The writing has a beautiful directness, but I’m not exactly fascinated by (or at all interested in) snails. It is eye-opening to read something so scientific in approach that is still a work of literature, however; it leaves me to consider how our different disciplines — me as an English teacher and my coworker a Science teacher — change the way we think and look at the world.
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  • a ranking of iMac G3 colors by tulip.
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  • field notes cured my twitter addiction on The Birdhouse. A lovely ode to a notebook.
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Watching

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  • Gilmore Girls, season six. Joe and I have reached about the end of the season. I think six has some good moments and episodes but is, on the whole, drudgery. Luke’s character takes a bizarre turn, and I somehow have even less patience for Rory and Logan’s relationship this time around.
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  • America’s Next Top Model, cycle five. Passive rewatches while folding laundry; the actual modeling and photoshoots are a low for the UPN seasons, but the personalities make it an entertaining season.
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Playing

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  • Joe and I have played more of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II, which is really him watching me play and selecting dialogue options with me. He really does not care for the combat; I don’t love it either, but having played so much of this game and the first as a kid, I know my way around it much better. He doesn’t seem to like any of the characters yet; on one hand, I get that, because I think the KotOR II characters are much more complex and harder to initially like than the first game’s, but maybe the series just isn’t for him… +
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    • We’ve been playing as a female Exile, but Joe was interested in the Handmaiden, and I prefer her to the Disciple, so I decided to roll back a save and use the PartySwap mod… until I realized that I have Steam Workshop mods mixed with the KotOR II Mod Build.2 Apparently, because I used the Workshop 13 years ago when I last played this game, Steam decided I definitely wanted those installed again. Ugh. The solution was to start from the beginning with cheats that will let me zip through and get back to where we were. It took the better part of five hours to re-install all the mods and play back through Peragus and Telos.
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    • That all said, I really love this game. I love the way the narrative places you in a backstory rather than the “blank slate” approach of the first game.3 The player then gets to decide the Exile’s reasons for going to war, their outlook on the Jedi, and there’s a lot of gray area to be found.
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Listening

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  • Mr. Anyway’s Holey Spirits Perform! One Foot in Bethlehem and Pure Particles by The Bug Club. More recommendations from a former student of mine. I’m really enjoying them! One Foot in Bethlehem very clearly has some religious satire, but I’ve not had a chance to parse for sub-text… At this point, I’m on a basal, what’s catchy level (the answer is a lot).
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    religion, marriage, the future… the usual, at this point. I hate getting old. ↩︎

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    loudly and clearly at the start of the mod build: “Remember also that the Workshop version of this or any other mod is NOT to be used!” I was trying to follow directions, but history and technology worked against me today. ↩︎

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    this works for its purposes, but I like the weight and the history you walk into in KotOR II. ↩︎

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what would it mean for us if i fell off this slide? (week notes 012)

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I’m doing a condensed post this week because I have been so busy with work!

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    Joe and I finished our rewatch of Gilmore Girls, and I’m happy to say that I still love the show. It goes downhill in season six and is borderline unwatchable in season seven, but I have such affection for all before that — especially the warm blanket, cozy autumn early seasons.

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    I’m watching Joe play The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom.

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    I haven’t been listening to anything in particular — mostly shuffles.

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    I did not have time for reading this week, but I’m so close to finishing The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating, and I intend to start Into the Wild next.

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    I loved grubz’s post about coming out. I have written on a similar subject here before, although their post has me also thinking about how the performance of gender roles in my relationship is, in many ways, queer.

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    At a district-wide conference day, different teams delivered a training I helped develop. It’s something I have been pushing for since March of 2021. In many ways, it feels like a culmination of that journey — though I feel mixed about how our administration has behaved about it — but I’m also trying to view it as just another step forward. We have so much more to do.

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    I started planning (and inviting people to) my birthday party! I am turning 30 next month and have all sorts of feelings about it. A friend who moved away a few months ago (and who we have dearly missed) is going to come out for it, too, so I am really just trying to focus on being excited to celebrate with the people I care about.

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spend my days running in circles (week notes 013)

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Doing

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  • I presented to pre-service teachers at my alma mater with a colleague! Emotionally, I still feel like I was in their spot not that long ago — and then I remember I graduated over six years ago (and into a vastly different world and job market).
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  • I’m finding myself using ellipses a lot and I do not like it. Is this growing old? Am I becoming a boomer?
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  • I’m thinking about maintaining some kind of daily log — just simple, passing notes on what I did, what I thought about. Obsidian has this feature built in and it might be a good way to start. I like the idea of it being searchable and (theoretically) infinite in size, but I also want an excuse for another notebook. +
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    • I used to do daily reflections at the end of my work day. Slowly, those became every few days, then every week, then rarely. It was a good practice that I wish I had maintained, but there’s already so much I’m packing into my work day — and my goal in daily notes is to be more mindful about what I’m doing and thinking in my free time.
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  • I attended my state-wide English teacher conference; this is something like my sixth or seventh time attending and I still find it valuable. I left with a lot of great ideas on how to diversify my practice and better empower my students.
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Watching

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  • Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Joe and I have watched a few episodes. I liked the book fine, but the TV show has yet to grab me. It lacks Percy’s narrative voice (and personality), and while it’s good that Percy is played by an actual child, his pre-pubescent voice freaks me out.
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  • Broad City. Joe and I watched a lot of Broad City early in our relationship, but we never finished it. We are starting it over from the beginning. Still funny!
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Listening

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  • Charli XCX, Brat and it’s completely different but also still brat. Every re-release and new drop for brat innovates, co-exists, and complements. The features on this remix album feel like an ode to the remarkable original release and a statement of how pivotal the album has been personally and for the industry writ large. This version of “Everything is romantic” is as much a remix as an iteration; the original captures a single moment in beautiful, mimetic detail, and this one is another artist following the theme and form with their own experiences. brat is undoubtedly a project we’ll all be talking about when we discuss the music of the 2020s; I love witnessing its creation in real time. +
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    • For the haters, a friend of mine said the mixing was bad and that it “just sounds like noise.” I still like her (Charli and the friend, in that order1).
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  • Foxholes, Foxholes. I found “Alligator” while going through Daytrotter archives and loved it; the rest of the album is pleasant listening, but “Alligator” is the stand out.
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  • Yung Lean, Stardust. I loved Yung Lean’s feature on Brat and it’s completely different but also still brat; imagine my surprise when I discovered that the esoteric bullshit (or so I thought) I was listening to ten+ years ago as a joke but not really went on to be a critically recognized artist. I thought it was just a weird fucking song. +
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    • Stardust is a much more polished and, dare I say, coherent and digestible2 product than “Hurt”; I like it, but I’m not sure any of the songs will earn the coveted ⭐ on Plex.3 It’s music I’d have to be in a mood for — although the mumble-y nature of it makes it good background music while working. Maybe it just needs to sit with me a little more.
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    just kidding :-) ↩︎

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    but the contrary is maybe more fun ↩︎

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    maybe I should do a write up on how I organize my ridiculous music collection (18191 tracks and growing every day) ↩︎

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it's second nature to love you (week notes 014)

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first week notes in a while so some of this might not be strictly “this week”

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Doing

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  • I turned 30. I had a big party with lots of friends — and I feel grateful to have so many folks who want to celebrate with me, including some who drove substantial distances. I still have a bunch of mixed up feelings about crossing this threshold, but I’m trying to remember the advice of a friend: it’s a gift to grow older.
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  • This maybe belongs under a playing heading, but maybe not: I picked up Ring Fit Adventure for the first time since the pandemic. It’s getting to be too cold out to run, so I need an alternate fitness option. My most reliable gym buddy moved away, so I’m seeing if I can get Ring Fit to stick again. I am definitely in way better shape than when I was playing years ago; I would feel faint after 20-30 minutes in the game, but my first session was over 30 minutes and I felt fine (albeit sweaty) after. Turning 30 feels like an inflection point where I need to get serious about losing weight.
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  • I also went to the gym for the first time in months to run on the treadmill. With snow season upon us, I need to transition to indoor running. I like it quite a bit less, but I don’t want to lose progress.
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  • We had our first big snow of the season on Friday, which meant a (much-needed) lazy snow day at home.
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Watching

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  • Daria, season four. I started rewatching Daria around Halloween because I dressed as her for the holiday. I still love it and I still hate Tom.
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  • Friends at the Table’s Fields of Mistria streams. I’m not a FatT fan — actual play podcasts do not appeal to me at all — but Joe is, and I otherwise like a lot of the personalities on the show. Ali is probably my favorite and Joe and I love farming games like Mistria a whole lot.
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Playing

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  • Pokémon Crystal Legacy. I had a hankering of Gen 2 nostalgia hit me, so I’ve been working my way through this ROM hack. I know a lot of my love for Gen 2 stems from it being my first Pokémon — and, indeed, one of the first games I really ever played — but I’m happy to report that it’s just as charming as I remember.
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Listening

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  • Rainbow Kitten Surprise, RKS. Listened on the recommendation of a friend; I was concerned initially because I really didn’t like the first track (my words: “Big garage vibes. Like shit you listen to while you work on your motorcycle”), but after that hump, I really loved the album. My tops are “Cold Love,” “Wasted,” “All’s Well That Ends,” and “Lady Lie.” “Cold Love” in particular has really hung around in my head.
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my voice moved hades so he extinguished the fire (week notes 015)

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Doing

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  • Joe and I ran a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. My time was not good (40:38), but there was wet, heavy snow coming down, so I was mostly focused on not eating shit. I think mid-November might be my 5K cutoff. We otherwise stayed home for the holiday and spent some much needed time relaxing together.
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  • With the holiday season upon us, this is usually around the time that I take a big trip out to a nearby mall to get gifts for everyone. I want to commit this year to shopping mostly (entirely?) from local small businesses or buying handmade and secondhand goods. I’m happy to live in a town with a great Main Street, and I want to stop dumping my money into corporations. +
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    • I did order a bunch of rechargeable batteries from Amazon for Black Friday, but that was the extent of my shopping.
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  • I miss podcasting again. I’ve run a few podcasts over the years, which all petered out for various reasons, but I’m feeling the itch again. I don’t know what I’d podcast about, though, which runs contrary to popular logic: you should have something to say, not just the desire to say things. I love audio production and the sound of my own voice, though. +
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    • Maybe I record audio versions of my blog posts and turn that into a podcast? I want to write more, after all. I don’t think my week notes would be conducive to an audio format, but maybe my longer form writing (what little of it exists).
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  • I bought a camera (Panasonic Lumix G7) on a bit of a whim. I film a lot of videos for my school, so I guess there’s professional utility in using something other than my phone, but I also want to get better about taking pictures to preserve memories.
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Watching

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  • On Saturday, I felt sick and rotted on the couch and watched YouTube junkfood: mostly outsidexbox’s seven things videos and Macho Nacho console mod videos. +
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    • I don’t mod consoles. I like to tinker with electronics, but I’ve never soldered anything. Somehow, however, I find myself watching a lot of these sorts of videos. I think I admire the production value and Tito’s calm, measured approach.
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  • I’m about done with Daria, but I haven’t watched the movies yet.
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Reading

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  • Into the Wild by John Krakauer. As a kid, the film adaptation was on frequent rotation in my house; my mom often fixated on one movie and watched it over and over, and she was a big fan of the soundtrack as well. I’ve always wanted to read the book since, and I’m trying again to commit to reading more now that the start of school year frenzy has died down for me. I’m enjoying following McCandless’s story and don’t think Krakauer too effusive (though his biases are clear), but some of the tangents feel extraneous. +
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    • Finished on November 28. A humanizing and sympathetic account of a controversial figure. A few meandering chapters, but there are — in McCandless’s case especially — wrong turns taken in pursuit of truth, meaning, and beauty.
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  • I’ve ordered Charlotte Brontë’s Villette through my local bookstore as an upcoming read on the recommendation of a student’s parent. I’m also interested in getting my hands on The Dead Father by David Barthelme after reading an excerpt in Into the Wild.
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Playing

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  • Satisfactory. Just a few months before the pandemic, while I was in grad school, I fell deeply in love with Satisfactory and attempted in vain to explain to my literary and well-rounded colleagues that I was spending my free time balancing my iron production pipelines and converting from biomass energy to coal. I dipped my toe in a few more times after my mania but resolved to wait until 1.0 as many of my production lines would need to be seriously re-tooled. Joe suggested we start a co-op save this week and I am back and thriving. +
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    • We did get into a brief, heated conflict over manifold (my preference) versus balanced production, an argument all couples experience at some point in their relationship, I’m sure.
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  • I played a little but more of Pokémon Crystal, but I’m at a point where I have to grind out levels to take on the next gym, which I’m supremely uninterested in doing. Maybe I’ll just hack my save.
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Listening

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  • I downloaded the Satisfactory soundtrack and have had that on in the background — it’s very good. Otherwise, I’m mostly still listening to Rainbow Kitten Surprise.
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to find part of you still works is like a tiny victory (week notes 016)

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Doing

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  • I went for a run with a good friend at an indoor track near me. The track itself is quite short, so the run is a little awkward, but it’s a super soft flooring which made the run easy on my joints. It’s nice to have a new run buddy, too!
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  • Saturday I felt angry and sick and exhausted all day; I’d intended to go out and do holiday shopping but instead just rotted at home. I know I needed the rest, but seemingly everything put me in a bad mood. It’s maybe just PMS — I haven’t been good about tracking my cycle lately, though — or just the seasonal depression. It’s shit no matter what it is.
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Reading

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  • Hometown Visit. I love reading folks who blog about their loves. It’s probably voyeuristic — I don’t know that it reflects well on me — but it makes me wish I had the courage to do the same.
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  • Sandra Cisneros, Woman Hollering Creek. I’m waiting for Villette to come in, so I wanted something that would be easy to jump in and out of. This fits the bill; I love Mango Street dearly and this simply feels like more of it (albeit not following one character, but then, Cisneros’s stories all seem to co-exist).
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  • 25 Wirecutter Journalists Can’t Be Wrong: How Owala Became an Official Water Bottle Pick. What a ridiculously self-important, self-absorbed article. I generally like and use Wirecutter; some of their recommendations are ridiculously decadent and detached from reality, but they are one of the few reliable online sources for product reviews and recommendations. I am all for an ode to something you love and that makes your life better, but this read not as “we tested and compared a lot of products” but more “we all have good taste and have this water bottle so it must be good, right?”
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  • Pride & Prejudice The Board Game. My brother gifted this to me years ago and I’ve never found an opportunity to play it. A student of mine is listening to the audiobook of P&P on my recommendation and I told her about the board game; I thought I should play it first myself, so I convinced Joe to play with me.
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  • Fabledom. This has been in my Steam wishlist for ages, and I wanted a cozy game to try to quell my Saturday mood. It’s OK. I enjoyed the time I put into it, but I don’t think I will go back to it. City builders tend to entertain me for a few hours, but then I reach the later points of the game (or it becomes a chore to manage everything) and get bored.
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Listening

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I’ve had three songs in rotation this week: “Clown Blood/Orpheus’ Bobbing Head” by Los Campesinos!, “up” by Pigthe, and “You Good? (In Medias Res)” by Proper.

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sleepyhead 'cause all the fucking foxes kept me awake last night (week notes 017)

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Doing

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I bought a new domain name — I’m not going to post it just yet — but I’m considering switching this site over to it. I love esotericbullshit, but I’m not sure it’s the energy I want to put out there. It makes the URL a little hard to share. But it also feels remarkably stupid when I just moved this over from another domain (which is incidentally quite similar to the new one…).1

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On Wednesday, I went to bar trivia with some friends. We had a good time! I used to go frequently, but it usually conflicts with my volleyball rec league, so it’s fallen by the wayside. The league is between seasons now though, and we liked the theme, so we made our triumphant2 return.

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I spent Saturday braving crowds at the mall3 in an attempt at holiday shopping. I think I ended up spending more on myself than on others. The holiday gift exchange has felt more and more ridiculous each of the last few years. Maybe I’m becoming more cynical and tired of capitalism as I age (I had thought the remedy there would be to shop local, and I did, but I still had folks on my list). Maybe it’s a natural shift in adulthood — all my friends and family members are adults with lives and houses (or apartments) and income to buy themselves what they want. Gift exchanges then become the trading of useless trinkets to which the recipient has the most tenuous of connections. I used to love buying gifts for people; it used to feel like an exhilarating challenge to find something charmingly specific to them. Now it just feels like a burden.

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Reading

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I’m continuing to read Woman Hollering Creek and other stories by Sandra Cisneros (from last week). I really loved “Never Marry a Mexican”; many of the early stories are told from the perspective of a child or a teen. Cisneros excels here (see Mango Street), but it becomes a little exhausting; “Never Marry” was a welcome break. Some of the stories run long, though, and can begin to feel repetitive — but then, I don’t think you’re meant to marathon through this but rather read stories here and there from the collection.

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One of my purchases for myself while holiday shopping was a new paperback copy of Pride & Prejudice. In late high school, I read it for the first time, and I spent the next few years reading it again and again. My old copy is worn, an odd size, and technically stolen from my mother, so while I wait for Villette and The Dead Father to come into my local bookstore, I have started re-reading P&P for the first time in almost a decade. I’m quite early in, but I am glad to report that I love it still.4

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Watching

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I’ve convinced Joe to watch the 2009 Emma mini-series with me. I am hoping to leverage this into him consuming more Austen media with me, including Clueless, which he has never seen despite it being one of my favorite movies.

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I also started watching Girls for reasons that I cannot fully explain. I think I’m just puzzled by it; I hear folks complain about how shamelessly self-centered and insipid it is and then in the same breath discuss it as a cultural touchstone. I suppose I wanted to see for myself. I’m not sure how far I will make it; the first few episodes have had little humor or draw for me.

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    Here’s the thing: I already bought the new one, so I should just do what I want and chase whatever feels natural and authentic to me in this moment. But I do also think it’s important to maintain some sense of permanency, as I don’t want this to be just another web project that I abandon. I admire the folks who have been blogging at the same site for a decade (even more so if they’ve left all that legacy content up); I tend to grow self-conscious a year or more on and delete, forget, abandon. So why not commit to the choice I’ve made — even if it doesn’t feel right now, maybe it will tomorrow? Or should I chase what inspires and just set up redirects…? Discuss. (By which I mean send me an email if you’ve ever been caught in this conundrum; like Fleabag, I think I just want someone to tell me what to do, right now and in general.) ↩︎

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    second place ↩︎

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    I am part of the problem ↩︎

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    am I retreating into past favorites in reaction to Trump’s re-election and a bleak, desperate future? explain your answer in a response of at least four sentences ↩︎

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using purell 'til my hands bleed and swell (week notes 18)

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Doing

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Unfortunately I haven’t been able to exercise much; partly, this is because I haven’t been making the time for it, but I also tweaked my right shoulder somehow and it’s been quite painful to use in every day tasks. Ring Fit is therefore off the table. The trouble is that I genuinely don’t know what I did to it! This week is my last before our holiday break, and I’m hoping to get back on the horse over the course of my 16 (!!) days off.

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a painting of a black cat, wide eyed, with a speech bubble that reads “stop talking”

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I briefly contemplated spending far too much money on a print of Martha Rich’s “Stop Talking,” but I’m far too poor and cheap, even though it expertly captures how I feel lately after work (or interacting with anyone).

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I’ve been in a strange headspace since turning 30. I feel as though I know myself and the world so much better now, like it’s time to stop wasting all my time on the bullshit and focus instead on what’s really important to me. I have been reflecting on myself a lot lately, but in a present- and future-oriented way: what is it I want to be doing? What really fucking matters? These questions sound quite existential and they are, but they’re also oddly liberating — and it’s driving me to read more and (hopefully) write again. It all feels like coming back home after a long trip, taking comfort and finding peace and joy in the known and loved familiar.1

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Reading

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I’m still (re-)reading Pride & Prejudice and I’m just as in love with it as ever. I’m sure it’s revisionist history on my part, but I feel I understand the humor, the plot, the politic far more this time around — but then, I’m always looking back at the past and thinking I’ve grown far older and wiser since when perhaps only the former is true.

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Watching

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Joe and I finished the Emma mini-series that we started last week; I’d seen it before and found it similarly delightful this time around, though I’m beginning to doubt my prior assertions that Emma is Austen’s work (albeit not my personal favorite). Perhaps a re-read is in order…

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I’m also continuing on with Girls; I’m actually enjoying it now (still in season one). There’s some really funny shit in it, but most of the dramatic beats fall short for me. I find Hannah generally insufferable, Adam I’m up and down on, I love what little Shoshanna there is, I’m tepid on Jessa, and I like Marnie.

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Listening

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  • “2468” by Horsegirl. A random find while stumbling around Bandcamp, but I’m in love.
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  • On the Intricate Inner Workings of the System, The Bug Club. Pleasant listening but a bit humdrum; few standouts for me as there have been on their other albums.
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  • Alopecia, WHY? I’ve been listening to “Good Friday,” mainly, and sampling other tracks here and there for years. For some reason I had a line from “These Few Presidents” in my head this week — “even though I haven’t seen you for years, yours is a funeral I’d run to from anywhere” — and it prompted me to at last listen to the album all the way through. I have since been (figuratively) spinning and shuffling it through the week. I’ve not listened to any others of WHY?’s albums — I get the impression they’re variable in quality — but I may give them a shot.
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    to my friends: I’m sorry (no I’m not) for all the hand-wringing I did leaving up to this birthday only to, a month in, be singing 30’s praises ↩︎

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stop thinking a phone call or text is too complicated (week notes 019)

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I’m still reading Pride & Prejudice, but with the hubbub of the holidays, I haven’t made much progress. I’m excited about the next books in my pile, though, so I am determined to finish soon.

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I’ve burned through several seasons of Girls since my last week notes. I’m in the last season now, and my opinions have started to solidify. I think if I’d watched the show at the time of airing, I’d have found Lena et al. insufferably pretentious. Old age has softened me; instead I find it a charming (though still deeply problematic and limited in the perspectives it represents) contra point. TV was and is rife with the male perspective, shows at which many of the same critiques could be levied (Seinfeld, Always Sunny, etc.). I think Girls attracts the ire it does partly due to its creator’s frequent gaffes and problematic statements but also because it challenges the status quo simply by its existence and its featuring complex women who are hard to like. I don’t think there was a cultural crisis of any kind over the characters in shows like Always Sunny being unlikeable — it’s clear that they’re meant to be. Girls is the same, but our culture has far more trouble swallowing unlikeable women. I also think that, while the show has its ups and downs and some storylines that don’t work, it is pretty consistent in quality — something I don’t often say about shows that run for several seasons.

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Joe and I have been playing lots of Satisfactory. We’ve reached Tier 6 but are focused on redoing / optimizing old supply lines and completing the FICSMAS event before we get into oil production.

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I downloaded The Well I Fell Into by WHY? after listening to a bunch of Alopecia over the last few weeks. I haven’t been able to make it through for some reason. It’s not that I’ve turned it off because I don’t like it, but none of it really grabs me, save for “Marigold,” which I absolutely love.

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I’m in the midst of a pretty bad flair up of seasonal depression, so these week notes are brief and hastily cobbled together. I missed a week over the holidays though and I want to be more consistent in 2025. I see lots of folks compiling yearly wrap ups and resolutions, but I’m struggling with basic tasks like getting out of bed and eating right now. I don’t mean to make myself sound all desperate and pathetic, to garner sympathy or to attract pity — but I think it’s important to be honest about mental health. Please know that I’ve dealt with this for a long time and it’s just a matter of riding it out; my depression never manifests to suicidal ideation and very rarely self-harm.

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hold on tight to this time, this place (week notes 020)

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I had a friend over one evening for pizza and card games — mostly Fan Tan and Blackjack, which are almost the only card games I like. My volleyball rec league started up again this week; I haven’t made time for physical exercise lately, and volleyball is a good commitment. I’d like to start running again soon too, but I’m nursing a minor foot injury that I’d like to see cleared up before I put too much stress on it. Thursday was the school spelling bee, which is both fun and heart-wrenching to watch.

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Joe and I went out to dinner on Friday at a restaurant we love. We’re not a “date night” couple, but he suggested going out and it was really nice — we haven’t really made time recently to do things just the two of us. It was a good way to end the week.

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I’m reading Pride & Prejudice, still, and am still loving it — I just haven’t had much time to read with going back to school this week. I’m almost done, though, and I’m really excited to read Villette by Charlotte Brontë next.

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To close out my viewing of Girls, I watched Princess Weekes’s thoughtful and well-rounded analysis of it. I generally agree with a lot of what she’s said. I think the racial politics and whiteness of the show sucks, and while I think Lena is somewhat correct in her defense that she wrote from her own experience and would not perhaps be able to authentically write characters of color, that all could easily have been solved by just having a more diverse writing staff. Lena deserves much of the flack she gets, but I also think Weekes is correct that that ire should also be directed to the studio execs who do not prioritize diversity — as Girls is far from the only show to have had this problem (even though it became the lightning rod for it, for both good and bad faith reasons).

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I listened to form without content by luminism after hearing a song of theirs on YARG. The album as a whole wasn’t for me, but I like “poser” a lot. It feels like a song I’d have loved when I was 13, which is a rare sort of nostalgia for me.

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I’m trying out doing my week notes without the big headings. We’ll see what I land on as a format!

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she knows I love my cereal (week notes 21)

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I recently discovered some weirdness with my hard drives in my PC. It’s a long story that isn’t worth telling, but the end of it is that I bought an NVMe drive and am starting fresh with a clean install of Windows. It’s fairly painless now that I have a drive that’s just my files with a separate OS drive. I do have to reinstall and set up some apps again, but it has been a good opportunity to reassess the cruft I’ve let build up on there over the years.

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I went to the gym for the first time in a long time. A friend wants to join and get into the routine, so I’m hoping that I can latch on to that momentum.

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Otherwise, I’m unfortunately glued to the news and despairing about the incoming presidency. I was never on TikTok (an intentional choice), but this whole ridiculous saga has emphasized to me the importance of having a space on the internet I own and control. I’ve got plans for a direction I want my site to take, but all in time… For now, I’m grateful to have this. Larger than that, though, I’m terrified for what the future holds.

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Reading

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I’m something like twenty pages from the end of Pride & Prejudice. I need to just sit down and finish it, but work has been so hectic. I’ve let that become an excuse.

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Playing

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I had some friends over and played YARG with them. I’m happy to have a backup and potential replacement for Rock Band as it is no longer maintained and I don’t know if I see myself buying another home console ever (Rock Band is the only thing I turn my PS4 on for these days). I’m a little disappointed that many of the fan-made charts out there are only for guitar, but there’s still a great library to select from.

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I played a little Vampire Survivors, for the first time in a long time; it’s easy to pick up after months (years?) away, and it might be a good replacement for idle scrolling on social media.

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Listening

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I listened to Mac Miller’s Circles all the way through, I think for the first time since it released, after a friend became hyperfixated on “Right” (which I had not heard yet — I never listened to the bonus tracks for the deluxe release). I had such mixed feelings about it when it came out. It’s the first posthumous release I’ve ever really thought about, and it just didn’t grab me. I think it didn’t feel like an authentic Mac release; I don’t hold any ill will for anyone involved, and I think his family has handled his estate respectfully, but it was missing something — but then, it was intended to be a new, different direction for Mac. Regardless, I wanted to see how I felt years on, so I jotted feelings down track-by-track.

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  1. “Circles” - I’ve loved this song from the jump. I heard a leaked version months before the release was announced and adored it.
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  2. “Complicated” - The synths in this song are so bad, and the pitched up ab libs are awful. It feels like if someone else tried to make a Mac song and imitate Delusional Thomas features.
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  3. “Blue World” - I like it more than I remember, but it is a little grating.
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  4. “Good News” - A good song. I loved it when I first heard it, but it’s grown stale for me. This is probably the song I’d recommend to someone who wants to get into Mac but isn’t big on rap.
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  5. “I Can See” - Again, the synths! They’re awful. They sound like a jrpg hotel track and not in a good way.
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  6. “Everybody” - Another I like more than I recall. I like hearing Mac sing, but there’s something bland in the instrumentation and production. It’s a refined but dry track.
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  7. “Woods” - I love “Woods.” I think it’s my favorite on the album.
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  8. “Hand Me Downs” - Probably the most reminiscent of Mac’s Swimming sound. Despite that, it’s not my favorite; I like the Mac parts but not whoever is featured on it
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  9. “That’s On Me” - Awful and repetitive; can’t stand it.
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  10. “Hands” - Fine, but I wouldn’t listen to it unless I was making it a point to listen through the entire album.
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  11. “Surf” - This is probably my most listened to song from the album. It’s simple, but it works.
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  12. “Once a Day” - Another I like more than I remember. I think I like Circles most when it’s pared down, simple tracks.
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  13. “Right” - I really like this one. The drums are sick.
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  14. “Floating” - No real feelings.
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It really is a pop album (hot take: a pop album for old people). I admire how Mac always experimented and evolved his sound — this direction just wasn’t for me, I guess.

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And, of course, Balloonerism was released this week. I’d heard all but two songs through listening to leaks, so it didn’t hold any great surprises for me, but I love it still — it’s a fantastically weird, experimental little project that has some of my favorite Mac songs on it (namely, “Do You Have a Destination?” and “Excelsior”). It’s beautiful to hear the tracks properly mastered and to assuage some of my guilt about listening to leaks, but it’s bittersweet, too: this feels pretty definitively like the last proper Mac release we will see aside from some bonus tracks and loosies on anniversary editions (please give me “He Finally Sleeps” and “Pure” 🙏). Blue Slide Park aside (it’s about the progress, the journey!), I think Mac was an incredible artist with so much still left to share when he passed. It’s good to hear his voice and fresh songs, but they always linger with loss.

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A coworker also recommended The New Pornographers to me; I listened to a few songs from Twin Cinema and found them aggressively fine, but I think perhaps I don’t have headspace for anything that isn’t Mac right now. I’ll finish the album and give Mass Romantic a shot some other time.

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I need love, can you get to me now? (week notes 022)

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I bought a space heater — primarily for my office, which is uninsulated — and it’s a revelation. I took a fat nap in front of it on Friday night. I can’t believe it took me this long to get one (I thought the were way more expensive than they actually are and that Joe was morally opposed to them for some reason).

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I’m working on decreasing my use of big social media apps and focusing instead on indieweb spaces. I cut my Twitter habit a long time ago and only keep it around for Los Campesinos! updates (would love to see them move to another platform — seems incongruous with their politics that they’re still on there almost exclusively). I’m tapering off on Facebook and Instagram. I could delete my Facebook today without another thought, but I have a few friends on Instagram that aren’t active elsewhere that I’d hate to lose contact with — but that becomes less and less worth it to me as Meta continues to slide into active evil. I know this doesn’t sound like someone trying to get off of social media, but as a once daily user of all these platforms, I’m making a lot of progress.

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In general, though, the depression and anhedonia are continuing. I’ve been trying to go to the gym whenever I feel desperate and lost because at least then I’m doing something healthy while feeling desperate and lost, but the horrors persist.

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Reading

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On Sunday, ashamed of having yet another week note with Pride & Prejudice still in progress, I finally sat (laid) down and finished off the last twenty pages. I love the book just as much (maybe more? is this recency bias speaking?) as I did years ago and feel once again confident calling it one of my favorite books. Next up is Brontë’s Villette — I haven’t cracked the cover yet despite carrying it around with me.

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Watching

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I’m continuing on with Euphoria, but I’m undecided on it. Maybe I was a loser in high school1, but these plotlines seem absurd (and gross and exploitative) for sixteen year olds. I also think some of the characters’ motivations and actions — particularly Nate’s — make absolutely no sense. There are also plot threads that dominate the show but then seem to be abandoned; in general, I just feel there’s a few too many characters that the show is split between. Regardless, though, I still feel compelled to keep going.

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Playing

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I bought Fields of Mistria and have been playing that. Joe and I have kept up with Mistria Mondays on Friends at the Table, and he started playing it a few weeks ago. I’m still very early on in it. I like it, but it has yet to fill me with the same joy and wonder that Stardew Valley did. I do think it’s a little unfair that it is constantly compared to Stardew — it should be allowed to exist and be discussed on its own merits, and Stardew is far from the first to do a lot of what it does — but the comparison is sort of inevitable. Stardew saw me through a pretty intense period of depression years ago, so I think I sought out Mistria for the same reasons.2

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Listening

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I’m trying out, when I got to the gym to run, listening through entire albums. So far it’s been just ones I know I love (Mac Miller’s GO:OD AM and Bloc Party’s Silent Alarm). I need to listen to music when I run to keep my mind distracted, but my gym playlists get stale so quickly. We’ll see how this works for me.

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I heard Laura Les’s “Haunted” on an episode of Euphoria and really loved it — it’s an awesome pull for Jules’s character. I’ve never had contact with 100 gecs despite being the target audience for them. I downloaded 1000 gecs to listen to and generally enjoyed it; it’s a weird album and one I’d definitely have to be in the mood for — not really stuff I could play on car rides with friends. Regardless, though, I think it’s a fucking cool album — big nightcore AMV vibes.

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It is probably worth noting that, on my second listen through, my audio interface fucked up and was outputting everything with a distorted static and I sort of just assumed that was how the album sounded.

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    I know I was, but if being not a loser means being involved in the shit these kids get into, then I’m glad to be a loser. ↩︎

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    I would not say I am intensely depressed right now, but seasonal depression is real and I probably have it and also Trump is president again so who isn’t? ↩︎

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dancing around the subject 'til my legs hurt (week notes 23)

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We had an unexpected snow day on Tuesday and then Wednesday off for Lunar New Year, which was a welcomed opportunity to relax at home. I played a lot of Fields of Mistria and did some upgrades to the computers in my house — all three (my PC, Joe’s, and one hooked up to our TV) are AM4 builds, so I’m able to upgrade my PC and put the old parts into the others. We’re also planning and ordering equipment for our next big home project: wiring the living room and office with Cat6 ethernet and running down to a managed switch on the network rack. We made all of the purchases this week and plan to do the work over our February break.

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Joe and I had a talk about something I’ve been rolling around in my head a lot lately — my inability to shut my brain off and enjoy things, my refusal to ever just commit to the moment. It’s maybe a topic for a longer post.

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I finally deleted my twitter account, which dates back to probably 2011 or 2012. I stopped using it in favor of Mastodon and Bluesky a long time ago, but I dragged my feet about actually pulling the trigger. I’m finally done. Elon Musk is a Nazi and I don’t fuck with that. I could delete Facebook without another thought, but I have a few friends who use Instagram only that I want to keep up with. With time, maybe, but this is a step in the right direction for now.

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Reading

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I have not touched Villette since reading the first twenty pages. Maybe back to back 19th century lit wasn’t a good idea?

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Watching

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I finished Euphoria. I think I really liked it? Season two went some bad (as in, poorly written and plotted) places, but so did season one I think — the first season was just a lot tighter and more cohesive. I’ve read some about the behind the scenes drama with the show, which sours me — the creator seems like a dick. Jules remains my favorite, and I’m interested to see where season three goes if it ever actually gets made.

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Joe and I have been watching Vinny and Abby play The Roottrees Are Dead on Nextlander. It seems like a neat game that I’d really enjoy playing, but I love Vinny and Abby’s dynamic too much to not watch it — and I think I’d need time to forget everything before I play it myself. The streams make me miss the golden days of Giant Bomb East…

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I’ve also been watching (with Joe on and off) Into the Aether’s short-lived Final Fantasy X playthrough. It’s reawakening my love for that game; I think I have convinced Joe to play through it with me.

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Playing

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I’m continuing to enjoy Fields of Mistria. I’ve reached mid-fall and the bottom of the mines (for now). It might become a game I check in on when new updates come out, but I think what’s here is really, really amazing.

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Listening

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I listened to 10000 gecs after really liking 1000 gecs. It was a disappointment personally; I admire experimentation and innovation, but it didn’t hit for me. It strayed too far from the goofy hyperpop that they did so well on 1000 gecs; it was too much of a genre mishmash that leaned too hard into absurdism for the sake of comedy.

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A friend of mine, who made their own really sick hyperpop album, recommended that I check out fishmonger by underscores. I loved it. Maybe a perfect album.

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listen to my story (week notes 024)

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I’ve missed a few weeks, so consider this my catch up post before starting my week notes up again…

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Doing

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I’m working on migrating off big tech companies — I’ve deleted all my twitter accounts and am in the process of migrating from Google Photos to a self-hosted immich service. Joe and I are also working on wiring up some of our house with ethernet: we’ve run cable the living room and plan to do the office next. I’ve also upgraded my server rack with a patch panel and managed switch (Aruba S2500). That will maybe become a big project post once we’re done.

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Of course, with the said, I needed a new phone and bought a Google Pixel Pro 9. I’m not happy being in Google’s ecosystem as much as I am, but there’s also no ethical consumption under global capitalism and I don’t want the bullshit bloatware other companies put on their Android phones.

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Reading

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I think I’ve given up on Villette for now — it’s just not getting me excited to read. I started Daniel Handler’s memoir And Then? And Then? What Else? — we’ll see how that treats me.

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Playing

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I re-played Final Fantasy X with Joe watching; I’d been trying for years to get Joe to play it himself, but he stubbornly refused, saying he hated turn-based combat. There are now excellent mods out there to replace the busted HD remaster faces, and we have a working Steam Link setup to let us play PC games on the couch, so the time felt right.

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I’m happy to say that I loved the game just as much as when I’ve played it before. The world of Spira is still beautiful and dense and complicated with a soundtrack to match; every time the leitmotif kicks in, I feel both deeply sad and at home — which I think captures the feeling of Spira so well. Joe asked me which character was my favorite and I said I wasn’t sure (it’s probably Yuna) because it really is an ensemble cast playing off of each other, each with their own backstory and motivations.

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And then the fucking sorrow. This is such a sad game. It’s one that sat with me and lingered, even a good week after rolling credits.

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I’m not sure how much I’ll dig into the endgame grinding and final bosses, but I’m also not sure I’m ready to leave Spira behind just yet. It’s a shame there’s no other games set in the world for me to play.1

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Listening

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I listened to Wallsocket by underscores after really liking fishmonger. It had some good moments, but on the whole, I wasn’t a fan.

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Horsegirl’s full album, Phonetics On and On, dropped, and I really like it. “Information Content” and “2468” are the standouts to me. I’m really excited to see them in a few weeks.

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I also listened to who told you to think??!!?!?!?! by Milo, which I found good not great (I really like “mrs” though), and I downloaded a few Car Seat Headrest albums to listen through. Back when I worked at Radioshack, my manager loved Car Seat Headrest, so we’d have them playing in the store quite often. I always liked their sound but just never dived into their discography (partly because it’s so fucking confusing). It felt like a good time to change that.

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    this is, of course, a joke; I have never played Final Fantasy X-2 and have some pretty big feelings about some of the bullshit in that game. Maybe one day. ↩︎

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(week notes 25)

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Reading

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And Then? And Then? What Else? has become a slog, but I press on nonetheless. There’s little here to amuse or excite; even devout Lemony Snicket fans will be disappointed I think by the lack of new information or even commentary concerning the books. Handler confirms that the Baudelaires are named for the poet, that the melodrama of the books is inspired by Edvard Gorey, and that he openly disdains the film — hardly revelations by any means. Most egregiously, he seriously downplays the accusations of sexual inappropriateness against him and attempts to use his own childhood sexual assault as a shield against them.

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I don’t think myself hostile to memoirs, but this book has struck me as meandering and self-aggrandizing. Selfishly, I’m also frustrated that he finds space to talk about the Snicket books (of course), Why We Broke Up, and The Basic Eight, but there is absolutely no mention of Adverbs. I’m pressing on with it because it is an easy (if plodding) read.

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Watching

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Playing

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I started up Final Fantasy XIV again and finally reached First Serpent Lieutenant in my Grand Company, which means I’ll now be able to use my seals to get more mounts.

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Listening

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I listened to selections from Cerulean and all of Obsidian by Baths, both albums I’ve loved at points in my life; Guts is out and I wanted to refresh before listening to it.

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Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.

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All Week-Notes

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+ + + diff --git a/public/week-notes/index.xml b/public/week-notes/index.xml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..56abf82 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/week-notes/index.xml @@ -0,0 +1,180 @@ + + + + Week-Notes on cassie.ink + https://example.org/week-notes/ + Recent content in Week-Notes on cassie.ink + Hugo + en-us + Sun, 23 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + + + listen to my story (week notes 024) + https://example.org/week-notes/024/ + Sun, 23 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/024/ + <p>I&rsquo;ve missed a few weeks, so consider this my catch up post before starting my week notes up again&hellip;</p> + + + dancing around the subject 'til my legs hurt (week notes 23) + https://example.org/week-notes/023/ + Sun, 02 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/023/ + finishing Euphoria instead of reading classic literature + + + I need love, can you get to me now? (week notes 022) + https://example.org/week-notes/022/ + Sun, 26 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/022/ + I bought a space heater so I can feel like I am in hell where I belong + + + she knows I love my cereal (week notes 21) + https://example.org/week-notes/021/ + Sun, 19 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/021/ + <p>I recently discovered some weirdness with my hard drives in my PC. It&rsquo;s a long story that isn&rsquo;t worth telling, but the end of it is that I bought an NVMe drive and am starting fresh with a clean install of Windows. It&rsquo;s fairly painless now that I have a drive that&rsquo;s <em>just</em> my files with a separate OS drive. I do have to reinstall and set up some apps again, but it has been a good opportunity to reassess the cruft I&rsquo;ve let build up on there over the years.</p> + + + hold on tight to this time, this place (week notes 020) + https://example.org/week-notes/020/ + Sat, 11 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/020/ + <p>I had a friend over one evening for pizza and card games — mostly Fan Tan and Blackjack, which are almost the only card games I like. My volleyball rec league started up again this week; I haven&rsquo;t made time for physical exercise lately, and volleyball is a good commitment. I&rsquo;d like to start running again soon too, but I&rsquo;m nursing a minor foot injury that I&rsquo;d like to see cleared up before I put too much stress on it. Thursday was the school spelling bee, which is both fun and heart-wrenching to watch.</p> + + + stop thinking a phone call or text is too complicated (week notes 019) + https://example.org/week-notes/019/ + Sat, 04 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/019/ + <p>I&rsquo;m still reading <strong><em>Pride &amp; Prejudice</em></strong>, but with the hubbub of the holidays, I haven&rsquo;t made much progress. I&rsquo;m excited about the next books in my pile, though, so I am determined to finish soon.</p> <p>I&rsquo;ve burned through several seasons of <strong><em>Girls</em></strong> since my last week notes. I&rsquo;m in the last season now, and my opinions have started to solidify. I think if I&rsquo;d watched the show at the time of airing, I&rsquo;d have found Lena et al. insufferably pretentious. Old age has softened me; instead I find it a charming (though still deeply problematic and limited in the perspectives it represents) contra point. TV was and is rife with the male perspective, shows at which many of the same critiques could be levied (<em>Seinfeld</em>, <em>Always Sunny</em>, etc.). I think <em>Girls</em> attracts the ire it does partly due to its creator&rsquo;s frequent gaffes and problematic statements but also because it challenges the status quo simply by its existence and its featuring complex women who are hard to like. I don&rsquo;t think there was a cultural crisis of any kind over the characters in shows like <em>Always Sunny</em> being unlikeable — it&rsquo;s clear that they&rsquo;re meant to be. <em>Girls</em> is the same, but our culture has far more trouble swallowing unlikeable women. I also think that, while the show has its ups and downs and some storylines that don&rsquo;t work, it is pretty consistent in quality — something I don&rsquo;t often say about shows that run for several seasons.</p> + + + using purell 'til my hands bleed and swell (week notes 18) + https://example.org/week-notes/018/ + Sun, 22 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/018/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <p>Unfortunately I haven&rsquo;t been able to exercise much; partly, this is because I haven&rsquo;t been making the time for it, but I also tweaked my right shoulder somehow and it&rsquo;s been quite painful to use in every day tasks. <em>Ring Fit</em> is therefore off the table. The trouble is that I genuinely don&rsquo;t know what I did to it! This week is my last before our holiday break, and I&rsquo;m hoping to get back on the horse over the course of my 16 (!!) days off.</p> + + + sleepyhead 'cause all the fucking foxes kept me awake last night (week notes 017) + https://example.org/week-notes/017/ + Sun, 15 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/017/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <p>I <strong>bought a new domain name</strong> — I&rsquo;m not going to post it just yet — but I&rsquo;m considering switching this site over to it. I love esotericbullshit, but I&rsquo;m not sure it&rsquo;s the energy I want to put out there. It makes the URL a little hard to share. But it also feels remarkably stupid when I <em>just</em> moved this over from another domain (which is incidentally quite similar to the new one&hellip;).<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></p> + + + to find part of you still works is like a tiny victory (week notes 016) + https://example.org/week-notes/016/ + Sun, 08 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/016/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I went for a run with a good friend at an indoor track near me. The track itself is quite short, so the run is a little awkward, but it&rsquo;s a super soft flooring which made the run easy on my joints. It&rsquo;s nice to have a new run buddy, too!</li> <li>Saturday I felt angry and sick and exhausted all day; I&rsquo;d intended to go out and do holiday shopping but instead just rotted at home. I know I needed the rest, but seemingly everything put me in a bad mood. It&rsquo;s maybe just PMS — I haven&rsquo;t been good about tracking my cycle lately, though — or just the seasonal depression. It&rsquo;s shit no matter what it is.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><a href="https://lanadelrue.bearblog.dev/hometown-visit">Hometown Visit</a>. I love reading folks who blog about their loves. It&rsquo;s probably voyeuristic — I don&rsquo;t know that it reflects well on me — but it makes me wish I had the courage to do the same.</li> <li><strong>Sandra Cisneros, <em>Woman Hollering Creek</em>.</strong> I&rsquo;m waiting for <em>Villette</em> to come in, so I wanted something that would be easy to jump in and out of. This fits the bill; I love <em>Mango Street</em> dearly and this simply feels like more of it (albeit not following one character, but then, Cisneros&rsquo;s stories all seem to co-exist).</li> <li><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/owala-freesip-review/">25 Wirecutter Journalists Can’t Be Wrong: How Owala Became an Official Water Bottle Pick</a>. What a ridiculously self-important, self-absorbed article. I generally like and use Wirecutter; some of their recommendations are ridiculously decadent and detached from reality, but they are one of the few reliable online sources for product reviews and recommendations. I am all for an ode to something you love and that makes your life better, but this read not as &ldquo;we tested and compared a lot of products&rdquo; but more &ldquo;we all have good taste and have this water bottle so it must be good, right?&rdquo;</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9OhTB5eBqQ">Evermore: The Theme Park That Wasn&rsquo;t - YouTube</a> by Jenny Nicholson.</strong> I love Jenny&rsquo;s videos but hadn&rsquo;t watched this one yet; I dozed through portions but enjoyed it all the same.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pride &amp; Prejudice The Board Game</em></strong>. My brother gifted this to me years ago and I&rsquo;ve never found an opportunity to play it. A student of mine is listening to the audiobook of <em>P&amp;P</em> on my recommendation and I told her about the board game; I thought I should play it first myself, so I convinced Joe to play with me.</li> <li><strong><em>Fabledom</em></strong>. This has been in my Steam wishlist for ages, and I wanted a cozy game to try to quell my Saturday mood. It&rsquo;s OK. I enjoyed the time I put into it, but I don&rsquo;t think I will go back to it. City builders tend to entertain me for a few hours, but then I reach the later points of the game (or it becomes a chore to manage everything) and get bored.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <p>I&rsquo;ve had three songs in rotation this week: &ldquo;Clown Blood/Orpheus&rsquo; Bobbing Head&rdquo; by Los Campesinos!, &ldquo;up&rdquo; by Pigthe, and &ldquo;You Good? (In Medias Res)&rdquo; by Proper.</p> + + + my voice moved hades so he extinguished the fire (week notes 015) + https://example.org/week-notes/015/ + Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/015/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I ran a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. My time was not good (40:38), but there was wet, heavy snow coming down, so I was mostly focused on not eating shit. I think mid-November might be my 5K cutoff. We otherwise stayed home for the holiday and spent some much needed time relaxing together.</li> <li>With the holiday season upon us, this is usually around the time that I take a big trip out to a nearby mall to get gifts for everyone. I want to commit this year to shopping mostly (entirely?) from local small businesses or buying handmade and secondhand goods. I&rsquo;m happy to live in a town with a great Main Street, and I want to stop dumping my money into corporations. <ul> <li>I did order a bunch of rechargeable batteries from Amazon for Black Friday, but that was the extent of my shopping.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I miss podcasting again. I&rsquo;ve run a few podcasts over the years, which all petered out for various reasons, but I&rsquo;m feeling the itch again. I don&rsquo;t know what I&rsquo;d podcast about, though, which runs contrary to popular logic: you should have something to say, not just the desire to say things. I love audio production and the sound of my own voice, though. <ul> <li>Maybe I record audio versions of my blog posts and turn that into a podcast? I want to write more, after all. I don&rsquo;t think my week notes would be conducive to an audio format, but maybe my longer form writing (what little of it exists).</li> </ul> </li> <li>I bought a camera (Panasonic Lumix G7) on a bit of a whim. I film a lot of videos for my school, so I guess there&rsquo;s professional utility in using something other than my phone, but I also want to get better about taking pictures to preserve memories.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li>On Saturday, I felt sick and rotted on the couch and watched YouTube junkfood: mostly <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@outsidexbox">outsidexbox</a>&rsquo;s seven things videos and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/@MachoNachoProductions">Macho Nacho</a> console mod videos. <ul> <li>I don&rsquo;t mod consoles. I like to tinker with electronics, but I&rsquo;ve never soldered anything. Somehow, however, I find myself watching a lot of these sorts of videos. I think I admire the production value and Tito&rsquo;s calm, measured approach.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I&rsquo;m about done with <strong><em>Daria</em></strong>, but I haven&rsquo;t watched the movies yet.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Into the Wild</em> by John Krakauer.</strong> As a kid, the film adaptation was on frequent rotation in my house; my mom often fixated on one movie and watched it over and over, and she was a big fan of the soundtrack as well. I&rsquo;ve always wanted to read the book since, and I&rsquo;m trying again to commit to reading more now that the start of school year frenzy has died down for me. I&rsquo;m enjoying following McCandless&rsquo;s story and don&rsquo;t think Krakauer too effusive (though his biases are clear), but some of the tangents feel extraneous. <ul> <li><strong>Finished on November 28.</strong> A humanizing and sympathetic account of a controversial figure. A few meandering chapters, but there are — in McCandless&rsquo;s case especially — wrong turns taken in pursuit of truth, meaning, and beauty.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I&rsquo;ve ordered Charlotte Brontë&rsquo;s <strong><em>Villette</em></strong> through my local bookstore as an upcoming read on the recommendation of a student&rsquo;s parent. I&rsquo;m also interested in getting my hands on <strong><em>The Dead Father</em></strong> by David Barthelme after reading an excerpt in <em>Into the Wild.</em></li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Satisfactory.</em></strong> Just a few months before the pandemic, while I was in grad school, I fell deeply in love with <em>Satisfactory</em> and attempted in vain to explain to my literary and well-rounded colleagues that I was spending my free time balancing my iron production pipelines and converting from biomass energy to coal. I dipped my toe in a few more times after my mania but resolved to wait until 1.0 as many of my production lines would need to be seriously re-tooled. Joe suggested we start a co-op save this week and I am back and thriving. <ul> <li>We did get into a brief, heated conflict over manifold (my preference) versus balanced production, an argument all couples experience at some point in their relationship, I&rsquo;m sure.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I played a little but more of <strong><em>Pokémon Crystal</em></strong>, but I&rsquo;m at a point where I have to grind out levels to take on the next gym, which I&rsquo;m supremely uninterested in doing. Maybe I&rsquo;ll just hack my save.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li>I downloaded the <em>Satisfactory</em> soundtrack and have had that on in the background — it&rsquo;s very good. Otherwise, I&rsquo;m mostly still listening to <strong>Rainbow Kitten Surprise</strong>.</li> </ul> + + + it's second nature to love you (week notes 014) + https://example.org/week-notes/014/ + Sun, 24 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/014/ + <p>first week notes in a while so some of this might not be strictly &ldquo;this week&rdquo;</p> <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I turned 30. I had a big party with lots of friends — and I feel grateful to have so many folks who want to celebrate with me, including some who drove substantial distances. I still have a bunch of mixed up feelings about crossing this threshold, but I&rsquo;m trying to remember the advice of a friend: it&rsquo;s a gift to grow older.</li> <li>This maybe belongs under a playing heading, but maybe not: I picked up <strong><em>Ring Fit Adventure</em></strong> for the first time since the pandemic. It&rsquo;s getting to be too cold out to run, so I need an alternate fitness option. My most reliable gym buddy moved away, so I&rsquo;m seeing if I can get <em>Ring Fit</em> to stick again. I am definitely in way better shape than when I was playing years ago; I would feel faint after 20-30 minutes in the game, but my first session was over 30 minutes and I felt fine (albeit sweaty) after. Turning 30 feels like an inflection point where I need to get serious about losing weight.</li> <li>I also went to the gym for the first time in months to run on the treadmill. With snow season upon us, I need to transition to indoor running. I like it quite a bit less, but I don&rsquo;t want to lose progress.</li> <li>We had our first big snow of the season on Friday, which meant a (much-needed) lazy snow day at home.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Daria</em>, season four.</strong> I started rewatching Daria around Halloween because I dressed as her for the holiday. I still love it and I still hate Tom.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzdTG0JyblU&amp;list=PLIAGhNc7IWXxCHc55BwOsuTgMrDM8smSU&amp;index=18&amp;pp=iAQB">Friends at the Table&rsquo;s <em>Fields of Mistria</em> streams.</a></strong> I&rsquo;m not a FatT fan — actual play podcasts do not appeal to me at all — but Joe is, and I otherwise like a lot of the personalities on the show. Ali is probably my favorite and Joe and I love farming games like <em>Mistria</em> a whole lot.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pokémon Crystal Legacy.</em></strong> I had a hankering of Gen 2 nostalgia hit me, so I&rsquo;ve been working my way through this ROM hack. I know a lot of my love for Gen 2 stems from it being my first Pokémon — and, indeed, one of the first <em>games</em> I really ever played — but I&rsquo;m happy to report that it&rsquo;s just as charming as I remember.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong>Rainbow Kitten Surprise, <em>RKS</em>.</strong> Listened on the recommendation of a friend; I was concerned initially because I really didn&rsquo;t like the first track (my words: &ldquo;Big garage vibes. Like shit you listen to while you work on your motorcycle&rdquo;), but after that hump, I really loved the album. My tops are &ldquo;Cold Love,&rdquo; &ldquo;Wasted,&rdquo; &ldquo;All&rsquo;s Well That Ends,&rdquo; and &ldquo;Lady Lie.&rdquo; &ldquo;Cold Love&rdquo; in particular has really hung around in my head.</li> </ul> + + + spend my days running in circles (week notes 013) + https://example.org/week-notes/013/ + Sun, 20 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/013/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I presented to pre-service teachers at my alma mater with a colleague! Emotionally, I still feel like I was in their spot not that long ago — and then I remember I graduated over six years ago (and into a vastly different world and job market).</li> <li>I&rsquo;m finding myself using ellipses a lot and I do not like it. Is this growing old? Am I becoming a boomer?</li> <li>I&rsquo;m thinking about maintaining some kind of daily log — just simple, passing notes on what I did, what I thought about. Obsidian has this feature built in and it might be a good way to start. I like the idea of it being searchable and (theoretically) infinite in size, but I also want an excuse for another notebook. <ul> <li>I used to do daily reflections at the end of my work day. Slowly, those became every few days, then every week, then rarely. It was a good practice that I wish I had maintained, but there&rsquo;s already so much I&rsquo;m packing into my work day — and my goal in daily notes is to be more mindful about what I&rsquo;m doing and thinking in my free time.</li> </ul> </li> <li>I attended my state-wide English teacher conference; this is something like my sixth or seventh time attending and I still find it valuable. I left with a lot of great ideas on how to diversify my practice and better empower my students.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Percy Jackson and the Olympians.</em></strong> Joe and I have watched a few episodes. I liked the book fine, but the TV show has yet to grab me. It lacks Percy&rsquo;s narrative voice (and personality), and while it&rsquo;s good that Percy is played by an actual child, his pre-pubescent voice freaks me out.</li> <li><strong><em>Broad City</em></strong>. Joe and I watched a lot of <em>Broad City</em> early in our relationship, but we never finished it. We are starting it over from the beginning. Still funny!</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong>Charli XCX, <em>Brat and it&rsquo;s completely different but also still brat</em>.</strong> Every re-release and new drop for <em>brat</em> innovates, co-exists, and complements. The features on this remix album feel like an ode to the remarkable original release and a statement of how pivotal the album has been personally and for the industry writ large. This version of &ldquo;Everything is romantic&rdquo; is as much a remix as an iteration; the original captures a single moment in beautiful, mimetic detail, and this one is another artist following the theme and form with their own experiences. <em>brat</em> is undoubtedly a project we&rsquo;ll all be talking about when we discuss the music of the 2020s; I love witnessing its creation in real time. <ul> <li>For the haters, a friend of mine said the mixing was bad and that it &ldquo;just sounds like noise.&rdquo; I still like her (Charli and the friend, in that order<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup>).</li> </ul> </li> <li><strong>Foxholes, <em>Foxholes</em>.</strong> I found &ldquo;Alligator&rdquo; while going through Daytrotter archives and loved it; the rest of the album is pleasant listening, but &ldquo;Alligator&rdquo; is the stand out.</li> <li><strong>Yung Lean, <em>Stardust</em>.</strong> I loved Yung Lean&rsquo;s feature on <em>Brat and it&rsquo;s completely different but also still brat</em>; imagine my surprise when I discovered that <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stgrSjynPKs&amp;pp=ygUJeXVuZyBsZWFu">the esoteric bullshit (or so I thought) I was listening to ten+ years ago as a joke but not really</a> went on to be a critically recognized artist. I thought it was just a weird fucking song. <ul> <li><em>Stardust</em> is a much more polished and, dare I say, coherent and digestible<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> product than &ldquo;Hurt&rdquo;; I like it, but I&rsquo;m not sure any of the songs will earn the coveted ⭐ on Plex.<sup id="fnref:3"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">3</a></sup> It&rsquo;s music I&rsquo;d have to be in a mood for — although the mumble-y nature of it makes it good background music while working. Maybe it just needs to sit with me a little more.</li> </ul> </li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>just kidding :-)&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + what would it mean for us if i fell off this slide? (week notes 012) + https://example.org/week-notes/012/ + Sun, 13 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/012/ + <p>I&rsquo;m doing a condensed post this week because I have been so busy with work!</p> <ul> <li> <p>Joe and I finished our rewatch of <strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em></strong>, and I&rsquo;m happy to say that I still love the show. It goes downhill in season six and is borderline unwatchable in season seven, but I have such affection for all before that — especially the warm blanket, cozy autumn early seasons.</p> </li> <li> <p>I&rsquo;m watching Joe play <strong><em>The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom</em></strong>.</p> + + + but let's talk about you for a minute (week notes 011) + https://example.org/week-notes/011/ + Sun, 06 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/011/ + <p>I&rsquo;m doing two weeks in one post. Last week I was dead sick and working too much so I didn&rsquo;t assemble a post throughout the week as I normally do.</p> <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I drove back to ___ for a funeral&hellip; and then back, all in one day. Eight hours on the road, but it was nice to spend some time together, singing and talking about heavy things.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> <li>I ran four miles in one go! Not without stopping and walking, and I&rsquo;m far from my best times, but I&rsquo;m trying to rebuild my endurance and speed after taking a long time off.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m trying to get back into skin care. I&rsquo;ve never had a thorough routine, but I&rsquo;ve been slacking even on the meager bit I do. I looked in the mirror and saw an old person looking back at me, so I&rsquo;ve been cleansing and moisturizing on a near-daily basis now.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating</em> by Elizabeth Tova Bailey.</strong> I&rsquo;m reading this on recommendation of a friend and coworker. The writing has a beautiful directness, but I&rsquo;m not exactly fascinated by (or at all interested in) snails. It is eye-opening to read something so scientific in approach that is still a work of literature, however; it leaves me to consider how our different disciplines — me as an English teacher and my coworker a Science teacher — change the way we think and look at the world.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://platinumtulip.bearblog.dev/a-ranking-of-imac-g3-colors/">a ranking of iMac G3 colors</a> by tulip.</strong></li> <li><strong><a href="https://thebirdhouse.bearblog.dev/field-notes-cured-my-twitter-addiction/">field notes cured my twitter addiction</a> on The Birdhouse.</strong> A lovely ode to a notebook.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em>, season six.</strong> Joe and I have reached about the end of the season. I think six has some good moments and episodes but is, on the whole, drudgery. Luke&rsquo;s character takes a bizarre turn, and I somehow have even less patience for Rory and Logan&rsquo;s relationship this time around.</li> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em>, cycle five.</strong> Passive rewatches while folding laundry; the actual modeling and photoshoots are a low for the UPN seasons, but the personalities make it an entertaining season.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I have played more of <strong><em>Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II</em></strong>, which is really him watching me play and selecting dialogue options with me. He really does not care for the combat; I don&rsquo;t love it either, but having played so much of this game and the first as a kid, I know my way around it much better. He doesn&rsquo;t seem to like any of the characters yet; on one hand, I get that, because I think the <em>KotOR II</em> characters are much more complex and harder to initially like than the first game&rsquo;s, but maybe the series just isn&rsquo;t for him&hellip; <ul> <li>We&rsquo;ve been playing as a female Exile, but Joe was interested in the Handmaiden, and I prefer her to the Disciple, so I decided to roll back a save and use the <a href="https://deadlystream.com/files/file/544-partyswap/">PartySwap mod</a>&hellip; until I realized that I have Steam Workshop mods mixed with the <a href="https://kotor.neocities.org/modding/mod_builds/k2/full">KotOR II Mod Build</a>.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> Apparently, because I used the Workshop 13 years ago when I last played this game, Steam decided I definitely wanted those installed again. Ugh. The solution was to start from the beginning with cheats that will let me zip through and get back to where we were. It took the better part of five hours to re-install all the mods and play back through Peragus and Telos.</li> <li>That all said, I really love this game. I love the way the narrative places you in a backstory rather than the &ldquo;blank slate&rdquo; approach of the first game.<sup id="fnref:3"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">3</a></sup> The player then gets to decide the Exile&rsquo;s reasons for going to war, their outlook on the Jedi, and there&rsquo;s a lot of gray area to be found.</li> </ul> </li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Mr. Anyway’s Holey Spirits Perform! One Foot in Bethlehem</em> and <em>Pure Particles</em> by The Bug Club.</strong> More recommendations from a former student of mine. I&rsquo;m really enjoying them! <em>One Foot in Bethlehem</em> very clearly has some religious satire, but I&rsquo;ve not had a chance to parse for sub-text&hellip; At this point, I&rsquo;m on a basal, what&rsquo;s catchy level (the answer is a lot).</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>religion, marriage, the future&hellip; the usual, at this point. I hate getting old.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + I know if I don't go now I won't make it out (week notes 010) + https://example.org/week-notes/010/ + Sun, 22 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/010/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>My volleyball rec league started back up! I&rsquo;m awful and uncoordinated on the court, but it&rsquo;s fun to play with friends, and I have learned the hard way that I&rsquo;m a lot less depressed when I&rsquo;m active.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m enjoying reading ex-cohost folks on the bearblog discovery feed. The trending feed can get a little stale.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I hope they stick around.</li> <li>I took a walk (and a run) with a dear friend that I&rsquo;ve been trying to get together with for a while. She&rsquo;s decades older than me, but we are incredibly like-minded. Kindred spirits. I appreciate her wisdom and guidance and friendship immensely as she listens to all my neuroses.</li> <li>On Sunday night, Joe and I went to a wedding for two of our best friends. Maybe I&rsquo;ll make a longer post with all that stirs up for me — thoughts on marriage and commitment&hellip;</li> <li>Unfortunately, I left the wedding feeling sick. COVID test was negative so here&rsquo;s hoping it&rsquo;s just allergies from the changing season.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>No One Belongs Here More than You,</em> Miranda July.</strong> I stand by what I said last week. I think I need a break from the sexual deviants I&rsquo;m apparently (and unconsciously) selecting lately. I&rsquo;m glad to be done with this; I appreciated July&rsquo;s occasional wit and found it Handler-esque, but those touches were few and far between, and the rest of it mostly just grossed me out.</li> <li>My next books will be <em>The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating</em>, recommended by a friend and coworker, and, I think, <em>Into the Wild</em>, which I&rsquo;ve always meant to read. It might not seem like much for an English teacher, but these past few months I&rsquo;ve been reading for pleasure more than I have in years and it has me feeling so full. It&rsquo;s great to rediscover that joy.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup></li> <li><strong><a href="https://netigen.com/read/linkin-park-from-zero">&ldquo;Linkin Park, From Zero&rdquo;</a> by n3verm0re.</strong> I&rsquo;m not a Linkin Park fan by any means, but I have been interested in seeing how a group reawakens after such a tremendous loss. I really enjoyed this piece about it.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Green Dream in F#</em> and <em>Rare Birds</em>, The Bug Club.</strong> I asked a student of mine what kind of music she listened to; she said her music was too weird and I&rsquo;d probably never heard of it. I took that as a personal challenge. But it&rsquo;s not that weird — although, as an (ex?) Xiu Xiu listener, my barometer is off. I liked both albums! They&rsquo;re light, fun listening, and absolutely up my alley.</li> <li><strong><em>Romance is Boring</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong> Listening to the music students of mine like has me thinking about the music I was in love with at their age. <em>RiB</em> came out at the exact right time for me and holds a special place in my heart. I listen to tracks from it often, but this was the first time I&rsquo;d revisited some deeper cuts, like &ldquo;Who Fell Asleep In,&rdquo; in years.</li> <li><strong><em>All Hell</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong> I&rsquo;m still forming my larger thoughts on <em>All Hell</em>, but it was interesting to compare side-by-side with <em>RiB</em>. It is far more even and consistent in quality — <em>RiB</em> has some all-timers but also some real duds (&ldquo;Plan A&rdquo;) — but there is a visceral, adolescent melodrama to <em>RiB</em> that <em>All Hell</em> lacks. <em>All Hell</em> is instead grown up and wistfully forlorn, especially compared to juggernauts like &ldquo;I Just Sighed.&rdquo; Both are good and appropriate for me at different times and headspaces, but <em>RiB</em> holds more of hook — although I have fifteen years of relationship and baggage with it compared to <em>All Hell</em>.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m thinking about a recurring theme in songs I am or have been fixated on — <ul> <li><strong>&ldquo;Drops (reprise),&rdquo; The Peripheral Ones</strong> - &ldquo;I know if I don&rsquo;t go now I won&rsquo;t make it out&rdquo; <ul> <li><strong>&ldquo;The Whale Song,&rdquo; Modest Mouse</strong> - &ldquo;I guess I am a scout / so I should find a way out / so everyone can find a way out&rdquo;</li> </ul> </li> <li><strong>&ldquo;Ave Maria,&rdquo; Mac Miller</strong> - &ldquo;Have you found a way out?&rdquo; &amp; <strong>&ldquo;Come Back to Earth&rdquo;</strong> - &ldquo;I just need a way out of my head / I&rsquo;ll do anything for a way out of my head&rdquo;</li> </ul> </li> <li>— the idea of making it out is, of course, not a unique theme, but perhaps it&rsquo;s why <em>The House on Mango Street</em> resonated with me: <em>&ldquo;For the ones I left behind. For the ones who cannot out.&rdquo;</em></li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>I think posts don&rsquo;t decay quickly enough from the feed, and the top page or two of trending posts are all by the same handful of people. There&rsquo;s a handful of very active posters, which is a great thing, but I like to see variety there.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + 666 with a princess streak (week notes 009) + https://example.org/week-notes/009/ + Sun, 15 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/009/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Working on getting off big corporate social media, still. I&rsquo;m almost entirely off Twitter; I keep the app just because I have a few notifications set for when specific people tweet (mostly bands who tweet out tour dates), but I&rsquo;m otherwise mostly on Mastodon (social.lol) and Discord. Cohost going down was sad to see even if I was never an active user and there were problems with it, but its downfall impressed on me even further the importance of owning your content — and it made me really happy to have this space for my thoughts and writing.</li> <li>I got my COVID booster and flu shot on Friday, which put me out of order for some time. Glad to have them done, however; one day of discomfort is worth it!</li> <li>The weight of being a teacher really set on me this week — not the teaching work, which I love, but the emotional weight of my students&rsquo; lives. It&rsquo;s especially hard to see kids that remind me of myself at their age and wish I could impart all that I&rsquo;ve learned — but knowing that there are no shortcuts and that the only way out for them is through. I can&rsquo;t pluck them out; they have to live it. I can only hope to be there for them as they do.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>No One Belongs Here More than You</em>, Miranda July.</strong> This has been in my Amazon wishlist for I don&rsquo;t know how long — long enough that I&rsquo;ve forgotten where I&rsquo;d found it or why I&rsquo;d wanted to read it. I liked the cover a lot, I guess. Anyway, I feel this is suffering from my reading it so soon after <em>Death Is Not an Option</em> as I have much of the same opinion: excellent prose but turned off by all the weird sex.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I find July&rsquo;s narrators and conceits to be far more varied than Rivecca&rsquo;s, but Rivecca never made me read about an old man who fantasizes about teenage girls, so I automatically like her better.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.garbageday.email/p/meet-lochlan-oneil-the-creator-of">Meet Lochlan O&rsquo;Neil, the creator of DashCon</a> on Garbage Day.</strong> <em>&ldquo;I had to go to extensive therapy because I was like, “oh my god, I, Lochlan O&rsquo;Neil, single-handedly destroyed fandom culture?”</em></li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pokémon 4Ever.</em></strong> Joe and I got our shit rocked by the COVID and flu shots and decided to watch this. Middling, but a surprising environmentalist message. I&rsquo;m realizing how much of who Joe is goes back to Pokémon, of all things.</li> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em>, season five.</strong> Joe and I went back in for a few episodes in our shot stupor. Still enjoyable, but we are quickly gaining on the last of the good episodes in my opinion.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>i,i</em>, Bon Iver.</strong> Not bad, but I like <em>For Emma</em> and <em>22, A Million</em> far more.</li> <li><strong><em>Chants</em>, The Peripheral Ones.</strong> I&rsquo;ve said before that this album is perhaps the most esoteric of my bullshit; it&rsquo;s a cover album of a little-known<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> Myspace-era band, <a href="https://themiddleones.bandcamp.com/">The Middle Ones</a>, done by <a href="https://pigthe.bandcamp.com/music">pigthe</a> (the guitarist for <a href="https://trustfund.bandcamp.com/music">Trust Fund</a>). The album is obscure enough that it&rsquo;s not on MusicBrainz (I&rsquo;m aware that I could add it) and the band has 23 listeners on last.fm. I love it and go back to it often.</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>reading these books back to back has left me wondering if I&rsquo;m somehow unconsciously selecting books only written by deviants or if I&rsquo;m just so vanilla that my gauge for sexual content is skewed&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + the birds remember how to come home (week notes 008) + https://example.org/week-notes/008/ + Sun, 08 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/008/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>School is officially back in session, so my free time is much more limited now. I&rsquo;m optimistic for the year, though!</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Death Is Not an Option</em> by Suzanne Rivecca.</strong> Finished at last. I have not much new to say compared to last week. I felt a notable sense of relief to be done with it and free to move on.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://marisabel.nl/public/blog/Write_as_you_wish:_a_call_to_bring_back_the_prose">Write as you wish: a call to bring back the prose</a> by Marisabel.</strong> I&rsquo;m not a good enough writer for this to be applicable, so call this aspirational reading.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://itskristin.bearblog.dev/back-at-it-social-media-free/">back at it &amp; social media free</a> by kristin.</strong> I&rsquo;ve pretty much dropped Twitter in the last few weeks — I really want to separate myself from toxic online spaces.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://gkeenan.co/avgb/please-please-please-please-please-please-share-your-big-dumb-beautiful-self-with-the-world/">Please please please please please please share your big dumb beautiful self with the world</a> by Keenan.</strong> <em>&ldquo;What does it look like to put yourself on a page, or in a photo, or a brushstroke, or a string plucked and reverberating harmoniously out into the room? When does the screaming inside become loud enough, so all-encompassing that you open up the door to let it pour out of you?&rdquo;</em></li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em>, cycle three.</strong> <em>Top Model</em> is my comfort show right now. I love the first seven cycles best, but cycle three has a special place in my heart. It&rsquo;s one of the first cycles I ever saw and has one of the most entertaining casts. The modelling itself is pretty poor, but that&rsquo;s not really what <em>Top Model</em> was about.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ei6dNr3RkY&amp;list=PLipgnTt01UGXDW2B_eJMKSSi12Y7koJ9O&amp;pp=iAQB">Run Button&rsquo;s <em>Star Wars Outlaws</em> streams.</a></strong> I&rsquo;m really interested in <em>Outlaws</em> based on what I&rsquo;ve seen; Keith has been complaining about the stealth a lot in the streams, but I think a good amount of that has been player error.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords.</em></strong> I&rsquo;ve tried to get Joe to play <em>KotOR</em> for years, but he was turned off by the combat. We listened to A More Civilized Age&rsquo;s coverage together, though (he&rsquo;s a big Friends at the Table fan), and it got him interested in <em>KotOR II</em> (despite my insisting for years that it is the finest piece of <em>Star Wars</em> media). We&rsquo;re playing through together — me with the controller but collectively making decisions. We&rsquo;re still on Peragus (gross), but I&rsquo;m enjoying revisiting it. This will be my first time playing it in at least ten years and my first time with the restored content mod.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Life&rsquo;s a Riot With Spy vs Spy</em>, Billy Bragg.</strong> I like &ldquo;A New England&rdquo; a whole lot; the rest was good but didn&rsquo;t grab me. There&rsquo;s a sparseness and intimacy that struck me when I first heard &ldquo;A New England,&rdquo; but the novelty had worn off for the other tracks.</li> <li><strong><em>For Emma, Forever Ago</em>, Bon Iver.</strong> I listened to this all the way through one night and it unfortunately really spoke to me. I know I&rsquo;ve listened through it before, years ago, and I didn&rsquo;t care for anything except &ldquo;Skinny Love&rdquo;; this time around, every track hit.</li> <li><strong>&ldquo;Bishop, CA&rdquo;</strong> and <strong>&ldquo;Wig Master,&rdquo; Xiu Xiu.</strong> I swore off Xiu Xiu back in 2013 or so after listening to them heavily during a deep depression; I&rsquo;m not cold turkey on them anymore, but they&rsquo;re not in my regular rotation either. I&rsquo;ve been thinking of these two, some of my favorites then.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>in so far as any Xiu Xiu song is a &ldquo;favorite&rdquo; and not &ldquo;a desperate cry for help&rdquo;&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + I guess I feel a bit lost without you (week notes 007) + https://example.org/week-notes/007/ + Sun, 01 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/007/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li><strong>I re-did my website!</strong> I&rsquo;ve detailed it all <a href="https://example.org/what%27s-this-%28and-how-it-works%29/">in a separate post</a>, but I&rsquo;m really excited about making weird stuff online here. I will miss being on the bearblog discovery feed, but this is also a push for me to get involved more on webrings &amp; other small web communities.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> <li>I&rsquo;m <strong>starting to get my classroom ready</strong> for the school year. I&rsquo;m really excited about some of the changes I&rsquo;m making — the physical layout of the room, curricular changes, routines, and philosophies. We go back to school on Tuesday, so this is really the end stretch of summer.</li> <li>I was pretty social this week! I had a friend and coworker over to help us identify some of the plants we have on our property; had a different friend over to play some games; went to see a Fleetwood Mac cover band with some of my partner&rsquo;s coworkers; and had my sister and her boyfriend over to go hiking and out to lunch.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://gkeenan.co/avgb/an-unrelenting-sense-of-longing/">An unrelenting sense of longing (or: “Maps”)</a> by Keenan.</strong> &ldquo;Maps&rdquo; rocks and I love reading fellow music sickos.</li> <li><strong><em>Death Is Not an Option</em> by Suzanne Rivecca.</strong> Plugging along, slowly. Rivecca&rsquo;s prose is excellent but none of the stories have really gripped me; all the protagonists are of a singular type that I don&rsquo;t really connect to.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bYvqnTvUCg&amp;list=PLe_AuQUfBKl5R3Sc7Erpq3Y2me6q6uZ0R">Into the Aether&rsquo;s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke</a></strong> We finished it this week — a tragic end to a great series. RIP TONYSOPRAN.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Pokémon White Version</em>.</strong> Played here and there; I think I&rsquo;m losing my enthusiasm for it.</li> <li>We had a friend over and played a little <em><strong>Rock Band</strong></em> and <em><strong>Mario Party Superstars</strong>.</em></li> <li><em><strong>Final Fantasy XIV.</strong></em> Just a bit on Sunday night; focusing on leveling my Marauder (almost to 50!) and my Squadrons. I&rsquo;ve also started doing my Sylph Beast Tribe quests again because I want the Goobbue Mount.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Oblivion Will Own Me and Death Alone Will Love Me (Void Filler)</em>, <em>Every Moment of Every Day</em>, and <em>Fates Worse Than Death</em>, Short Fictions.</strong> I saw Short Fictions at Warsaw when they opened for Los Campesinos! I really enjoyed them live and sat down to listen to a few of their albums (they were kind enough to <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/loscampesinos/comments/1dia0oy/comment/l92otja/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web3x&amp;utm_name=web3xcss&amp;utm_term=1&amp;utm_content=share_button">post their setlist!</a>). Their music lacks some novelty compared to the live performance, but I still like a few songs — notably, &ldquo;Anymore,&rdquo; &ldquo;Nothingness Lies Coiled at the Heart of Being (It’s Such a Good Feeling),&rdquo; and &ldquo;Forever Endeavor.&rdquo;</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYRRR3vRroA">&ldquo;Feather Test&rdquo;</a> by A Weather.</strong> This may be my song this year.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> I fell in love with it a few months ago and returned to it this week. I love, I love, I love (<em>I will, I will</em>). A beautiful, breathy mix of fleeting, intersecting harmonies with a rich and simplistic production. Every line strikes. (&ldquo;Brush your hand / Across where you felt me / Do I pass the feather test?&rdquo;)</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>Also, importantly, I blog to write, not to be read. I guess.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + I want to sleep and dream alone (week notes 006) + https://example.org/week-notes/006/ + Mon, 26 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/006/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I was at school one day this week for an orientation for some student leaders.</li> <li>I went to Six Flags and realized I&rsquo;m old; my tolerance for roller coasters is, suddenly, shockingly low.</li> <li>Feeling extreme relief but also guilt for being such an introvert — lately I feel I&rsquo;m an anti-social loner, but friends have reassured me that these feelings are normal and everyone enjoys and protects their alone time (to an extent, depending on the person). All I really want to do is be alone in my house, left to do my silly little projects.</li> <li>I&rsquo;m trying still to move away from big, corporate social media — I have been spending more time on Mastodon and the bearblog discover feed. I&rsquo;ve scarcely opened Twitter, and I&rsquo;ve set 30m app timers for Facebook and Instagram. I rarely hit it for either, but something about knowing the timer is there makes me more conscious of the time I&rsquo;m wasting on them. I&rsquo;m not happy yet with my screen time as a whole, but at least I feel I&rsquo;m seeing more of real people (and people I choose to follow) than algorithms and dark patterns.</li> <li>On Friday, I went to IKEA with a friend and my sister to get some things for the house and a few items for my classroom.</li> <li>I intended to go into school on Saturday and begin some of the physical setup I need to do, but I felt sick and exhausted. I took a COVID test (negative) — I&rsquo;m hoping it&rsquo;s just holdover from a long day of driving on Friday.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://a-demain.bearblog.dev/studying-to-be-a-teacher-in-the-modern-day/">Studying to be a teacher in the modern day</a> by Sparrow.</strong> I feel the same about teaching as Sparrow: it&rsquo;s a hard career to choose in today&rsquo;s education system and economic climate, but teaching is so intrinsically part of me that I can&rsquo;t see myself doing anything else. Even with the stress, the low pay, the poor working conditions, I love it.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://marblethoughts.bearblog.dev/what-a-demure-mindful-and-brat-summer/">What a demure, mindful, and brat summer</a> by Kayla.</strong> Great introspective piece on trends and shifting mindsets. As I get older, I&rsquo;m less connected to fads (especially because I&rsquo;m not on TikTok and have curated my social media feeds), but I do try hard to understand them — I never want to be someone who brushes things off as &ldquo;kids these days&rdquo; absurdity and who blames the younger generation for every societal woe. Brat summer and demure sound silly, but there&rsquo;s importance in trying to understand what matters to young people<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> — and we can only reach state of cooperation and harmony through mutual understanding and respect.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://slate.com/advice/2024/08/dear-prudence-coworkers-too-personal.html">Help! I Invited My Coworkers Into a Very Personal Part of My Life. Now I Really Regret It.</a> by Hillary Frey.</strong> I read Dear, Prudence often to satisfy my busybody tendencies and, occasionally, to talk through social quandaries with my partner. The first letter here hit particularly hard; I am a teacher and regularly have coworkers ask super invasive questions about my family planning. I&rsquo;m friends with someone who went through IVF and she&rsquo;s opened my eyes to how these &ldquo;innocent questions&rdquo; (they&rsquo;re not) can hurt folks dealing with infertility. I&rsquo;m not, but even I find questions about whether I&rsquo;m trying for a baby super invasive!</li> <li><strong><a href="https://blog.avas.space/kindness-online/">finding kindness online</a> by ava.</strong> A great piece about connection in gaming. I have baggage with video game-centric spaces online, but this gives me some hope.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Too Model,</em> cycle 1.</strong> Mostly passive viewing while folding laundry, but cycle 1 has a special quality. It feels less like a reality show and more like a documentary about what it&rsquo;s like to be on a reality show. The budget is clearly low and the show hadn&rsquo;t established its structure just yet, so the contestants learn how the show works along with us. It feels grounded and authentic — for a season of <em>Top Model</em>, that is.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bYvqnTvUCg&amp;list=PLe_AuQUfBKl5R3Sc7Erpq3Y2me6q6uZ0R">Into the Aether&rsquo;s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke</a></strong> Joe and I are continuing this and still really loving it!</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Final Fantasy XIV.</em></strong> I&rsquo;m slowly working through the post-<em>Stormblood</em> patch content. Joe is still playing through <em>A Realm Reborn</em>, so I&rsquo;m levelling Warrior to do dungeons alongside him as a new class. I&rsquo;m enduring the slow, painful grind of levelling my Squadrons, too. I like the concept of Squadrons — they remind me of my beloved <em>Final Fantasy Tactics Advance</em>,<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> but unfortunately there is very little variety and a lot of waiting involved here.</li> <li><strong><em>Pokémon White Version</em></strong>. I was inspired to jump into a Pokémon game by the Nuzlocke Joe and I are watching. I&rsquo;ve never really played <em>White</em>; maybe a year ago I did the first three gyms, but I remember none of it. I started it over on Saturday night.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <p>Nothing really specific — just some shuffles. I have, however, <a href="https://listenbrainz.org/user/babyspace/">started tracking my listening data to listenbrainz</a>!</p> + + + the secrecy won't keep you free (week notes 005) + https://example.org/week-notes/005/ + Sun, 18 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/005/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>This week I learned that I&rsquo;m <strong>allergic to yellowjacket stings</strong> in the worst way possible (not that there&rsquo;s a good way). I was attacked by a nest of them while mowing the lawn and had to go to the ER.</li> <li>Contemplating my intense introversion.</li> <li>I was able to finally get together with a dear friend for a walk through the park — we have been trying to see each other for a while now but schedules and weather kept getting in the way. Talking to her, a kindred spirit, nourishes me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>The Basic Eight</em> by Daniel Handler.</strong> Finished in the first hours of this week. I wrote up <a href="https://example.org/the-basic-eight">a full post</a> with my thoughts.</li> <li><strong><em>Death Is Not an Option</em> by Suzanne Rivecca.</strong> I&rsquo;m about halfway through this. It&rsquo;s middling; there&rsquo;s a lot of weird sex that I simply do not connect to, and all of the narrators / protagonists feel the same even though this is a collection of unrelated short stories.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://apnews.com/article/harris-walz-apostrophe-possessive-grammar-967c0bbefc09be6c804588daabed7ec9">There’s an apostrophe battle brewing among grammar nerds. Is it Harris’ or Harris’s?</a> by Holly Tamer.</strong> This is the kind of presidential race news coverage I want to see in this world.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong>Into the Aether&rsquo;s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke.</strong> I really like Into the Aether and the TWG network, and Joe is a big fan of watching Pokemon challenges on YouTube. We are not far in, but we are enjoying it so far.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Rock Band 4.</em></strong> I have a friend visiting this week — it&rsquo;s a great party game.</li> <li><strong><em>Carcassone.</em></strong> A board game staple in my house.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li>Nothing particular beyond some shuffles, but my mom came over with her old Fleetwood Mac records and we realized that my record player has been spinning <em>slightly</em> too fast (~33.7rpm instead of 33.3). I noticed it months ago with Mac Miller&rsquo;s <em>GO:ODAM</em>, but I thought it might just be the press. We fixed it and now I feel I have to re-listen to all my records.</li> </ul> + + + I love when you invoke my death (week notes 004) + https://example.org/week-notes/004/ + Sun, 11 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/004/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>Joe and I <strong>went to the lake</strong> with two friends. We did some <strong>kayaking</strong><sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> and went <strong>swimming</strong>, then returned to our house to have a belated birthday celebration for Joe.</li> <li>I <strong>played around with Hugo</strong> and thought about moving this blog (back) there. I love the bearblog community and don&rsquo;t want to leave it, but I also want to build a personal site out more. I&rsquo;m conflicted, but for now, I&rsquo;m sticking on bearblog.<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup> I also bought a domain without a plan to use it — I love cassieland, but this one speaks to me, and it has an air of anonymity, which is appealing should I pursue my goal to blog more; anonymity feels safer.</li> <li>Joe and I went to visit family, so we&rsquo;re spending a weekend lake- and pool-side, and I&rsquo;m reminded for the ten thousandth time of how wonderful he is with children. The biological clock ticks.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://wavelengths.online/posts/how-did-this-new-harry-potter-ride-get-approved">How Did This New Harry Potter Ride Get Approved?</a> by Brendon Bigley.</strong> I used to be a tremendous <em>Harry Potter</em> fan but consciously decoupled from the series given J.K. Rowling&rsquo;s modern social campaign of hate. I&rsquo;ve gone to and enjoyed Universal&rsquo;s Wizarding World, but I agree with Brendon&rsquo;s stance: it is bizarre when Universal leans into the thinly veiled Nazism parallels for their theme park and ask attendees to rejoice in war crime trials.</li> <li><strong><em>The Basic Eight</em> by Daniel Handler.</strong> Handler&rsquo;s <em>Adverbs</em> is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved <em>Watch Your Mouth</em>, too. I need light reprieves from <em>The Odyssey</em>, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler&rsquo;s bibliography. I&rsquo;m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It&rsquo;s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler&rsquo;s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don&rsquo;t think I&rsquo;ve ever felt before.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em>, season five.</strong> Continuing on; we are reaching the point where Joe stopped watching years ago — I had him watch the show with me when we first started dating — so I&rsquo;m excited to get into fresh content. Unfortunately, the show goes downhill, in my opinion, by season six, so we are in the last of the good.</li> <li><strong><em>America&rsquo;s Next Top Model</em>, cycle six.</strong> If I believed in guilty pleasures, <em>ANTM</em> would be mine. Fortunately I don&rsquo;t, so I can indulge all I&rsquo;d like in junk food TV. I think the first seven seasons are all gold, but I was in the mood for Jade&rsquo;s antics in six — truly one of the most unhinged individuals to ever appear on the show.</li> <li><strong><em>Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse.</em></strong> An incredible follow-up to a film I loved very much; I agree that the cliffhanger ending undercuts some of the story&rsquo;s structure, but if you frame it as Gwen&rsquo;s story — which I think it was in many ways — it&rsquo;s a lot more satisfying, like a sophomore sojourn into another major character. On a technical and artistic level, it&rsquo;s a remarkable achievement; the painterly visuals and use of color in Gwen&rsquo;s universe were particular standouts.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>All Hell</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong> My record finally came in. It&rsquo;s going to take time for me to form an opinion and weight it against their discography — I&rsquo;ve got to let it sink — but as of right now, I really like it. &ldquo;Clown Blood&rdquo; is an early favorite.</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>Our friends brought their kayaks and Joe rented one. We would like to invest in our own, but most of our money this summer has gone to home repairs. Maybe next summer.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + clean as paper before the poem (week notes 003) + https://example.org/week-notes/003/ + Sun, 04 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/003/ + <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>I was <strong>in school for a few days this week</strong>: one for a school improvement team meeting, where we made plans for the upcoming school year that have me really excited; another DEI committee meeting; and an English curriculum planning day. I also started moving some of the furniture in my classroom into place — I&rsquo;m rearranging for next year.</li> <li>I <strong>received a postcard in the mail</strong> <a href="https://buymeacoffee.com/veronique/e/280562">from Veronique</a>! I love this idea to take the small web to snail mail (and am generally a big fan of her blog).</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><a href="https://kelsey.bearblog.dev/what-its-like/">what it&rsquo;s like</a> by kelsey.</strong> Less reading and more admiring: is this what the notebooks and brains of the creative and artistic are like? Others admire mine for its neatness and consistency, small, even printing repeated across page and page, the same thoughts over and over again, like photocopies. I love the color, the doodles, the spontaneity kelsey has, and this is what I love about bearblog: the glimpses into the minds of others.</li> <li><strong><em>Cultural Competence Now</em> by Vernita Mayfield.</strong> Continued from <a href="https://example.org/week-notes/001">a previous week</a>; this week, I read the third chapter for my district&rsquo;s DEI Committee.</li> <li><strong><em>The House on Mango Street</em> by Sandra Cisneros.</strong> I&rsquo;m integrating this book into my curriculum for the next school year. It&rsquo;s a beautiful, poetic, important text, and I&rsquo;m so excited to read it with my kids. It&rsquo;s heavy, and the unit I&rsquo;ve planned around it is challenging, but I want to be more rigorous in my curriculum, and I think the kids will really connect with Esperanza.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://blueberrylemonade.pika.page/posts/i-wanted-to-be-like-my-dad">&ldquo;I wanted to be like my dad.&rdquo;</a> by Kyle (on Blueberry Lemonade).</strong> A thoughtful piece on how adulthood shifts our relationships with our parents. It&rsquo;s interesting — I seem to have the inverse experience: moving out of my mom&rsquo;s house, I think, brought us closer in many ways. But I still connect with Kyle&rsquo;s thesis about how our views of parents evolve; perhaps the nature of parenthood is seeing your child grow beyond you.</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li>A lot of <strong>Friends at the Table</strong> content on Twitch. Joe is a fan of their podcasts and the folks involved; I&rsquo;m not into actual play podcasts or anime, so I don&rsquo;t join in, but I like watching some of their streams. I&rsquo;ve particularly enjoyed their <em>Stardew Valley</em> series.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood</em></strong>. I&rsquo;m back on my bullshit after watching <a href="https://www.twitch.tv/videos/2205413826">Austin Walker stream <em>Final Fantasy XI</em></a>. I&rsquo;ve played on and off since release, but this week I finished <em>Stormblood</em> (which I&rsquo;m tepid on) and am working my way toward <em>Shadowbringers</em> (which I&rsquo;ve heard nothing but praise for). I conned Joe into playing with me too, so it&rsquo;s been fun to see him go back through the early game quests. I have a lot of love in my heart for <em>A Realm Reborn</em>.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li>My <strong>Los Campesinos! <em>All Hell</em></strong> record has yet to arrive in the mail, so not that (but it did ship this week and is meant to be delivered tomorrow).</li> </ul> + + + ask yourself is that going to bring you peace, though? (week notes 002) + https://example.org/week-notes/002/ + Sun, 28 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/002/ + <p>I&rsquo;m continuing to try out doing Week Notes instead of monthly wrap ups. So far, so good! As a callback to my livejournal days, I&rsquo;m trying out using a random quote from something I&rsquo;m enjoying this week as my title (most likely, and true to my livejournal heart, cryptic song lyrics).</p> <h1 id="doing">Doing</h1> <ul> <li>My district is finally paying me to organize <strong>Safe Space trainings</strong>. This week, I got together with two other teachers to collaborate on plans, then delivered the training to a group of folks who we also prepared to do the training themselves. An immensely rewarding experience that felt like the culmination of four years of anger and despair and turned those feelings into something positive and productive.</li> <li>Trying to <strong>get organized and get on a better schedule</strong>. I woke up on Friday at 2:14pm (!!!) and felt awful about it. I spent a lot of time that day organizing my calendar (digital on Todoist, and I keep a physical planner) and setting some goals for myself so I don&rsquo;t spend the whole summer sleeping like a teenager.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup></li> <li>I also want to <strong>cut down on my screen time for big social media apps</strong> (like Instagram and Facebook) — the ones that have no value other than to waste my time. I put a big ol&rsquo; screen time widget on the homescreen of my phone as a way to try to curtail the scrolling; I&rsquo;m hoping that, when I unlock my phone, I&rsquo;ll see that I&rsquo;ve already spent a substantial amount of time on these apps and choose something else instead. I love to be online, but I&rsquo;d rather <strong>spend that time on indie web spaces</strong> like bearblog, Mastodon (I need to find folks to follow! Please send me recs and/or your account, fellow bearbloggers — my email is in the footer), and 32bitcafe.</li> <li>This is a very long-term goal, but I want to <strong>migrate my curriculum map from Notion to Obsidian</strong>. I&rsquo;m increasingly trying to move to open source programs (to, hopefully, stave off enshittification). The <a href="https://github.com/marcusolsson/obsidian-projects">Obsidian Projects plugin</a> is helping to make this a reality, but I&rsquo;m still looking for a good way to create a rollup of my tags that includes the full standard text and a heatmap of how frequently the tag is used. I played a bit with <a href="https://gohugo.io">Hugo</a> and <a href="https://getgrav.org/">Grav</a> for this but found I was going <em>web first</em> in my approach when really I just wanted a content management system (which Obsidian is, in a way, albeit a private one).<sup id="fnref:2"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">2</a></sup></li> <li>I <strong>moved my server into a rack setup</strong> and relocated it to my basement. I&rsquo;ll probably put together a full post cataloguing that.</li> </ul> <h1 id="reading">Reading</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>How to Talk So Teens Will Listen &amp; Listen So Teens Will Talk</em> by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish</strong>. I&rsquo;ve read many recommendations for this book and thought it might help me in the classroom. I started and finished the book in two days — it&rsquo;s a quick but valuable read. Right now, all the ideas are theoretical, as I won&rsquo;t get to try them out until September, but I love the approach. The authors put into explicit steps the feeling that I&rsquo;ve always had: interactions with anyone, but especially children, need to be based on mutual respect, and adults cannot expect children to control their emotions if they are not willing to do the same. I&rsquo;d love to make this a book study among co-workers.</li> <li><strong><a href="https://louplummer.lol/computer-people/">Computer People</a> by Lou Plummer</strong>. A thoughtful piece about the evolution and entry of tech into our lives, particularly in education. Unfortunately I don&rsquo;t share Lou&rsquo;s rosy outlook: I still have lots of coworkers who don&rsquo;t regard themselves as &ldquo;computer people&rdquo; and resist any new technology (and call me for help when something is unplugged).</li> </ul> <h1 id="watching">Watching</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Gilmore Girls</em></strong>, continued from last week (<strong>season four</strong>)</li> <li><strong><em>Easy A</em> (2010)</strong>. I never saw this when it came out but always read positive talk about it. It was awful; few laughs and all the character&rsquo;s motivations and actions were puzzling. It seemed to exist only to sell the viewer on Emma Stone and to have her parade around in lingerie.</li> </ul> <h1 id="playing">Playing</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Stardew Valley</em>, update 1.6</strong>. I&rsquo;m playing a co-op save with Joe and my friend Nick. I love <em>Stardew</em> and am enjoying discovering some of the new changes and additions, but I&rsquo;m struggling with the chaos of a shared farm — Joe in particular has some very different organizational priorities than me.</li> </ul> <h1 id="listening">Listening</h1> <ul> <li><strong><em>Youth Novels</em>, Lykke Li.</strong> I listened to this album for the first time in 2012 (&ldquo;Melodies &amp; Desires&rdquo; and &ldquo;Little Bit&rdquo; being the two I listened to with any regularity); it came up in a library shuffle and I realized I was listening to it in 160kbps. I replaced it with a higher quality rip and enjoyed hearing instruments and layers I didn&rsquo;t know existed before. I&rsquo;ve also a new appreciation for &ldquo;Breaking It Up,&rdquo; &ldquo;Hanging High,&rdquo; and &ldquo;I&rsquo;m Good, I&rsquo;m Gone.&rdquo;</li> <li>I&rsquo;d like to be listening to <strong><em>All Hell</em>, Los Campesinos!</strong>, the latest release by my favorite band, but I preordered it on vinyl and it still hasn&rsquo;t come in&hellip; I don&rsquo;t know how much longer I&rsquo;ll hold out.<sup id="fnref:3"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">3</a></sup></li> <li><strong>&ldquo;Red Leather&rdquo; by Future &amp; Metro Boomin</strong>. I still don&rsquo;t listen to much rap outside of Mac (a bit of Vince Staples, some Stormzy, some Princess Nokia), but I&rsquo;d like to branch out. I heard this in the background of (probably) an Instagram Reel and dig it (I hate that this is how folks, myself included, are discovering music these days).</li> </ul> <div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes"> <hr> <ol> <li id="fn:1"> <p>In my heart of hearts, I am a lazy fucker, and I don&rsquo;t intend to change that. However, there&rsquo;s a lot I want to do during my summer break, and I know I&rsquo;ll be disappointed in myself if I waste away the <em>whole</em> summer being a lazy fucker. I want to allow myself time to relax, but balance is important.&#160;<a href="#fnref:1" class="footnote-backref" role="doc-backlink">&#x21a9;&#xfe0e;</a></p> + + + Week Notes 001 + https://example.org/week-notes/001/ + Sun, 21 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000 + https://example.org/week-notes/001/ + <p>I <a href="https://esotericbullshit.net/tags/media-log/">tried out doing monthly media logs</a> and found it difficult to stick to; it became daunting to log everything, and I put the unnecessary onus on myself to also write down detailed thoughts on everything. I&rsquo;m going to try out shorter weekly notes instead. I want to have a record of and reflect on things that are important to me, so the effort matters, but perhaps this will be easier to maintain.<sup id="fnref:1"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote-ref" role="doc-noteref">1</a></sup> I&rsquo;m hoping to use this space to share out blog posts and other web content that I&rsquo;ve enjoyed, too.</p> + + + diff --git a/public/week-notes/page/1/index.html b/public/week-notes/page/1/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e36ee56 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/week-notes/page/1/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + + + https://example.org/week-notes/ + + + + + + diff --git a/public/what's-this-(and-how-it-works)/index.html b/public/what's-this-(and-how-it-works)/index.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2654820 --- /dev/null +++ b/public/what's-this-(and-how-it-works)/index.html @@ -0,0 +1,134 @@ + + + + + +what's this? (and how it works) | cassie.ink + + + + + + + + + +
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what's this? (and how it works)

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Welcome to esotericbullshit.net, the new home of my blog and web stuff.

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Previously, this blog was hosted at bearblog under the domain cassie.land. Now, I’m using the SSG Hugo to create the site, which deploys to Github Pages for hosting.

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So why the move? I love bearblog and recommend it to just about anyone who wants to get into blogging and the small web — it’s dead simple for folks with no web expertise, it has an awesome community, and the discover page allows you to share your content and connect with folks also using the platform. Unfortunately, I am, at heart, a tinkerer — bearblog felt a little too easy, and a little limiting for some of the visions I have. And, ultimately, I just want to own my content and embrace new technologies and challenges.

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I’m committed to pushing myself to blog because I love writing and want to do it more. I keep a physical journal for my more private thoughts and neuroses (affectionately nicknamed my “little fucking diary”), but I also think there’s value in creating a public log of what I’m doing, what I’m into, what I’m thinking. I have a complicated relationship with the internet and probably spend way too much time on it, but I love to be online and connect with other like-minded people. Blogging — and blogging in a space that I own and control and can set boundaries with — feels like the healthiest way to do that.

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And I changed the domain because I think it’s funny. I still love cassie.land and may come up with some other use for it.1 But I refer to my hobbies and interests often (and jokingly) as my esoteric bullshit, and this website is a tribute to that.

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how it works

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The basic setup is not too complicated. I use Hugo to generate the site from a series of Markdown files (my posts and pages) along with a custom theme I made myself. That’s all stored in a public Github repository, and when changes are pushed to the repo, it rebuilds the site on Github Pages and makes it accessible to the web.

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Previously, on bearblog, I was writing my posts in an Obsidian vault that was stored on my NAS at home. I used Syncthing to be able to access it from my phone wherever I was; when a post was finished, I would just copy and paste it into the bearblog editor and publish. This mostly worked for me, and I liked being able to write from any device. So one of the stipulations I set for myself in moving to Hugo was that I needed to be able to write and publish posts from mobile.

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Posting from my PC isn’t hard; I still write in Obsidian, and I just push the changes to Github from my PC. Mobile presented more of a challenge. I spent a lot of time going in circles and reading various guides on how to do it — I explored obsidian-git but ruled it out due to issues pulling large numbers of files; I thought about just using Github’s website in my browser and adding files that way; I considered diving into Termux to clone and push from my phone. All of that just seemed so fiddly or complicated or just had too many drawbacks; most of all, I didn’t want to create any barriers to writing. I just wanted to write and have the words show up online. No extra steps.

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Finally, I stumbled on Ben Butterworth’s post, Syncing Obsidian Vault on macOS and Android, for free, using git. He recommended the Android app Gitjournal, and then everything clicked into place: Gitjournal gives me an easy editor for writing/editing my content on my phone and handles the commits and pushes to the repository for me. I’d really like to use Obsidian’s Android app, but right now, there’s a noted issue with Gitjournal that prevents the repo from being stored on the file system (which I would then just point my Android Obsidian vault to). I’m hopeful it will be resolved soon and I can use my preferred app, but Gitjournal works just fine for now. Best of all, this setup is practically idiot-proof (hi, it’s me)2 and presents few to no barriers to what’s important: the writing.

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afoot and lighthearted

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So what now? I’m going to keep blogging and trying new things; this is just the new home for it all. And because it’s all owned, managed, and generated by me, I can do whatever the fuck I want with it. Right now, it’s just a standard blog, but I plan to get weird with it. Thanks for reading and joining along with me.

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    I’m working on redirecting all links from cassie.land to here. ↩︎

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    Prior to setting this site up, I had never really used git or Github besides downloading shit other people made. One of my goals was to push myself to learn how to. I consider myself tech-minded, but really, I think this was very easy — and I basically don’t have to interact with git or Github now besides pushing a button. It’s all automated. ↩︎

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What's This?

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Well, I have another blog.

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Welcome to cassie.land, the latest (as of writing this) web project that I’ve started and may promptly abandon.

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Here’s the truth: These past few months have shown me the impermanence of online platforms. I have quit reddit with the third-party API shutdowns, and while I am probably better off for it, it does feel like losing one of the bastions of the internet I once knew. I regret to inform that I am officially an old person on the internet; I yearn for the days of hyper-specific Geocities pages with incredibly useful information written by a thirteen year old screaming into the void (and for the days where our search engines actually directed us to that information rather than some circuitous tripe written by AI that packs in every SEO keyword without actually saying anything).

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Originally, this was written on my old WordPress blog, a site I’ve had up for almost ten years now (and which I will not link, because ten years – I haven’t decided fully what I want to do with it). I’ve been using WordPress on and off for random projects for going on fifteen years now, and while it’s comfortable and flexible and I know it well, I yearn for something different. Something lighter. Something new. Enter Grav, which I’ve now spent the night learning. Enter Hugo, which I switched to kind of on a whim — Grav is cool, but it felt a little too easy. I’m a masochist, I guess; I miss code. Grav felt like a shortcut and like more bloat than I wanted.

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And so I hope to make this a resolution to blog more, openly, about me. I have thoughts I like to share and a desire to catalogue the things I am interested in, and it just doesn’t seem viable any more to do so on any online platforms that I don’t own. I feel, in a sense, “homeless” on the internet, and I think it is time we make those homes on ground that won’t be pulled out from under us by soulless corporations and CEOs.

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I’m not fully sure what this will end up being, but thanks for reading and joining me on the ride.

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Automattic's Write Brief is, unsurprisingly, full of shit

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Automattic recently launched their Write Brief AI assistant for folks using Jetpack with WordPress.1 It is automatically available to anyone using wordpress.com, which I verified by logging into my 14-year-old account.

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I decided to test it out on my recent post about The Basic Eight. I chose this because it’s one of my more recent posts that isn’t #week-notes . I pasted it directly into the Gutenberg editor with all of the AI settings toggled on.

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According to Write Brief, my “Reading grade score” is 11.05; they recommend between 8 and 12 for maximum readable. Most of the AI’s complaints with me were the long sentences within the post (it identified 20). Some of them, I agree with, even if they are all grammatically correct.2 Take, for example, the following sentence:

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Flannery has to kill Adam because I’d be just as dissatisfied if she didn’t, and I’d be here complaining that Handler didn’t have the guts to follow through on his promising hook.

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This is not an overly complicated sentence; it is a compound-complex sentence, grammatically, with five distinct clauses.

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  • “Flannery has to kill Adam” (independent)
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  • “because I’d be just as dissatisfied” (dependent)
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  • “if she didn’t” (dependent)
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  • “I’d be here complaining” (independent; joined with the coordinating conjunction “and”)
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  • “that Handler didn’t have the guts to follow through on his promising hook” (relative clause) +That sounds like a lot, and maybe it is, but the sentence reads fairly easily — we are constantly stacking clauses on top of each other in the English language.
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Write Brief’s proposed revision is as follows:

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Flannery has to kill Adam. I’d be just as dissatisfied if she didn’t. I’d be here complaining that Handler didn’t have the guts to follow through on his promising hook. I’ll keep telling myself that until I believe it.

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It essentially separated the clauses out to be mostly simple sentences, with the exception of the last sentence — which would be impossible to split apart without inserting a number of words.

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Most puzzlingly, Write Brief took umbrage with my use of the word “cannot” because it is a “complex word” and suggested I revise it to “can’t,” forcing an informal voice without ever asking me if that’s what I wanted.

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OK, whatever; I’m just an idiot with a blog. My writing is not exactly a gold standard of readability and clarity.3 Let’s instead test the model on some of the literary greats.

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Of course I must start with Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice, one of the finest works in the canon. I tried the iconic first sentence, “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.” Write Brief concluded that this, too, was a “long sentence” and suggested the following revision:

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It is a truth universally acknowledged. A single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

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Again, the AI is simply splitting the clauses up, but in this case, it’s butchering the meaning (let alone the style and humor!) of the sentence! What is a truth universally acknowledged?

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Let’s fast-forward in time a little to simpler prose.4 I’m trying to avoid anything with dialogue, so let’s try the final major section of The Great Gatsby.

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And as I sat there brooding on the old, unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night.

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Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further… And one fine morning—

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So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

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Write Brief took no issue with the final two paragraphs — presumably because they’re composed only of simple and compound sentences. The entire first paragraph was flagged, once again for the “long sentences” and because “could” is an “unconfident word.” Write Brief’s recommended edit was:

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And as I sat there brooding on the old, unknown world. I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn. His dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him. It was somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city. The dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night.

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This revision preserves the intent of the passage but again enforces the staccato rhythm of mostly simple sentences.

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Of course the final test must be on Hemingway, who espoused cutting his writing to the bone (n.b. I also think he was full of shit). To give Write Brief the best possible shake, I’m deliberately selecting a fairly simplistic paragraph from early in the first chapter of For Whom the Bell Tolls.

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He spread the photostated military map out on the forest floor and looked at it +carefully. The old man looked over his shoulder. He was a short and solid old man in a +black peasant’s smock and gray iron-stiff trousers and he wore rope-soled shoes. He +was breathing heavily from the climb and his hand rested on one of the two heavy packs +they had been carrying.

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Yet again, Write Brief believes this paragraph to contain long sentences, and it suggested this revision:

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He spread the photostated military map out on the forest floor and looked at it
+carefully. The old man looked over his shoulder. He was a short and solid old man. He wore a black peasant’s smock and gray iron-stiff trousers. He also wore rope-soled shoes. He was breathing heavily from the climb. His hand rested on one of the two heavy packs they had been carrying.

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This revision inserted several words to enforce its stylistic choices for sentence structure. Note the redundancy in “He wore a black…” and “He also wore rope-soled…” If one of my students handed this in to me, I’d suggest they do some sentence-combining. My students are 12 years old.

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Writing can and should be revised to be concise and readable — even the writing we do online. That’s not what I take issue with. Forgetting that blogs are often, by practice, stream of consciousness, and WordPress is ostensibly a blogging platform, it is our unique writing styles — the structures we use and gravitate toward and the decisions we make to conform to or break those structures — that make us individuals. There is joy and beauty in seeing people as they are, and that includes online. We sometimes must compromise our idiosyncrasies to be successfully communicate — after all, communication only happens when a message is sent and understood — and the individual blogger can, of course, simply turn off or ignore these suggestions and make stylistic choices for themselves. And really, this AI is nothing more than a tool to turn complex and compound-complex sentences into simple or compound ones — without any other considerations like modifiers or participles and at the cost of original voice.

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There is joy and value in expressing ourselves how we are, not how some bullshit external rules tell us how to be5 — because there is always one culture or mode of expression that is valued by the people making the AI, and those who exist outside of that hegemony are treated as wrong and in need of revision. I don’t want to sound like an elementary schooler who never learned to use a comma and therefore simply avoids them. I want to experience the beautiful, unique minds of the bloggers I follow. I want authenticity, not the yassified, sanitized version of you. I will continue to cling to my strung-out sentences.

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    I don’t have actual data on this, but I’d assume this is the majority of WordPress users. ↩︎

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    I have two halves of an English degree so I can be trusted to make these assertions. ↩︎

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    I write for myself and to capture what’s in my head, which is mostly nonsense. ↩︎

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    I eat too much salt to confidently put in anything by Shakespeare and expect to survive the experience. ↩︎

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    I realize the same argument could be applied to all grammar rules — I side with linguistic descriptivism, and on the web, I generally encourage people to write how they want. Omit punctuation! Don’t capitalize! If it bothers me, I have the choice not to read. (Formal academic writing is different.) ↩︎

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Your silence will not protect you

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I’ve talked before on this blog about being a teacher and how passionate I am about my work; the time I spend with my students — which should be paramount and where all my energy goes — comes naturally. I often remark that I feel like I’m doing a stand-up comedy routine1 while teaching because my goal is not only to instruct but to develop joy in learning, in reading, in writing.

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Where my job suddenly becomes complicated is the external work, that is, everything that is not teaching my students or directly related to them (i.e. grading, preparing lessons, selecting materials, and so on). Unfortunately, teaching is an incredibly political job, as we teachers must manage our relationships with our colleagues and administrators just as much as we do with our students. It’s this part of the work that I have the least enthusiasm for and which is particularly treacherous for new teachers, as the prevailing philosophy is to keep one’s head down until tenured. That’s largely what I tried to do for my first year or two. It helped that I started in 2020, when I really couldn’t interact with my colleagues much, as many of us were working from home (and those of us working from the building were isolating within our classrooms). This was a tremendously lonely way to start in a new workplace, and certainly many of my colleagues were not as fastidious as I was about following COVID regulations in those first years, but they had the pre-existing relationships that made it more acceptable to step into someone’s space for idle conversation.

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Now, in my tenure year, I’ve developed some close professional relationships (mostly with newer, like-minded teachers around my age). I don’t feel as isolated, and I’m much more comfortable with passing conversation in the faculty room and hallways. My willingness to keep my mouth shut and not make waves, however, has waned. In a committee meeting a few weeks ago, conversation spiraled away from our ostensible focus — district-wide professional development needs — and into the workplace practices of some employees that prevent schools from being welcoming and affirming environments. The conversation involved folks mostly of the same dispositions as me2 at various stages of their careers: early career (me), middle career, old-dog veterans, and administrators. The conversation was cathartic, and the ruling message that bubbled to the surface was that it was beyond time to tolerate those teachers who do not treat their students with respect and who are not committed to social justice.

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I believe in that message, and that meeting was a bright spot in a low moment for me; I often feel bogged down by managing the politics of my job as an untenured teacher, by the constant negotiation of pushing back on toxic practices but not making a name for myself as an agitator lest it jeopardize my job. I’ve found myself in many situations — years ago and recently — where I’ve had to make the choice between standing up for what I believed in (at the risk of upsetting coworkers and administrators) and what would keep me safe. The wisdom many have given me was that the best thing I can do for my students is to stay employed, and so I’ve swallowed a lot of bitter pills and allowed behavior to continue that I find at best disrespectful and at worst disgusting as it perpetuates systems of exclusion and oppression.

+

Almost four years in and on the verge of receiving tenure, my patience for this has evaporated. In some ways, that feeling is invigorating; I’m looking forward to no longer biting my tongue, and of course I must consider how the victims of my silence are my students. At last I feel I can do right by them and speak up. However, I must also prepare myself for the difficulty in being that agitator. I believe in the power of two in the room, but it’s incredibly difficult to be the first person to speak up — and to face the personal and professional consequences of doing so.

+

The fight is worth fighting, however. I open and close on the immortal words of Audre Lorde in “The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action”:

+
+

In becoming forcibly and essentially aware of my own morality, and of what I wished and wanted for my life, however short it might be, priorities and omissions became strongly etched in a merciless light, and what I most regretted were my silences. Of what had I ever been afraid? To question or to speak as I believed could have meant pain, or death. But we all hurt in so many different ways, all the time, and pain will either change or end. Death, on the other hand, is the final silence. And that might be coming quicky, now, without regard for whether I had ever spoken what needed to be said, or had only betrayed myself into small silences, while I planned someday to speak, or waited for someone else’s words. And I began to recognize a source of power within myself that comes from the knowledge that while it is most desirable not to be afraid, learning to put fear into perspective gave me great strength.

+

I was going to die, if not sooner than later, whether or not I had ever spoken myself. My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you… Because the machine will try to grind you into dust anyway, whether or not we speak. We can sit in our corners mute forever while our sisters and our selves are wasted, while our children are distorted and destroyed, while our earth is poisoned; we can sit in our safe corners mute as bottles, and we will still be no less afraid.

+
+
+
    +
  1. +

    My stand-up routine for my students is heavy on audience participation, which, I’m told, is the lowest form of comedy. ↩︎

    +
    2. +
  2. +

    Bleeding heart, leftist wokies. ↩︎

    +
    3. +
+
+ + + +
+ +
+ +
+ + +
+ + + diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/assets/css/fonts.css b/themes/neverhungoveragain/assets/css/fonts.css new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e7da72 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/assets/css/fonts.css @@ -0,0 +1,75 @@ +/* Domaine Display */ +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Display"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineDisplayBlack.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: 900; + font-style: normal; +} + +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Display"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineDisplayRegular.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: normal; + font-style: normal; +} + +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Display"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineDisplayRegularItalic.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: normal; + font-style: italic; +} + +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Display"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineDisplayBold.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: bold; + font-style: normal; +} + +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Display"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineDisplayBoldItalic.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic; +} + +/* Domaine Text */ +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Text"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineTextRegular.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: normal; + font-style: normal; +} + +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Text"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineTextRegularItalic.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: normal; + font-style: italic; +} + +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Text"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineTextBold.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: bold; + font-style: normal; +} + +@font-face { + font-family: "Domaine Text"; + src: url("/fonts/DomaineTextBoldItalic.woff2")format("woff2"); + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic; +} + +/* Barcode */ +/* libre-barcode-128-text-regular - latin */ +@font-face { + font-display: swap; + font-family: 'Libre Barcode'; + font-style: normal; + font-weight: 400; + src: url('/fonts/LibreBarcode.woff2') format('woff2'); + } + \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/assets/css/main.css b/themes/neverhungoveragain/assets/css/main.css new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e394ee --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/assets/css/main.css @@ -0,0 +1,430 @@ +/* variables - color scheme https://coolors.co/772334-1291a9-231f20-f4f4f4-bfd53e */ +:root { + --text: #231f20; + --background: #f4f4f4; + --background-shade: #e8e8e8; + --blue: #1291A9; + --claret: #0e4e60; +} + +@media (prefers-color-scheme: dark) { + :root { + --text: #f4f4f4; + --background: #231f20; + --background-shade: #1f1b1c; + --blue: #1bbbdb; + --claret: #5da8bb; + } +} + +/* basics */ +body { + background-color: var(--background); + color: var(--text); + font-family: 'Domaine Text', serif; + line-height: 1.5; + max-width: 800px; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + padding: 5%; +} + +a { + color: var(--blue); + text-decoration: none; + border-bottom: thin dotted var(--blue); +} + +sup { + vertical-align: top; + + a { + border: none; + } +} + +/* header */ +header { + display: flex; + justify-content: space-between; + align-items: baseline; +} + +header h1 { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-style: italic; + font-weight: normal; + + a { + color: var(--text); + border: none; + } + + svg { + color: var(--blue); + width: 10px; + } +} + +nav ul { + list-style-type: none; + padding: 0; + + li { + display: inline-block; + } + + a { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: 900; + text-transform: uppercase; + } + + li:not(:last-child) { + margin-right: 15px; + } +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + header { + display: block; + text-align: center; + } +} + +/* home, page, section - common */ +.home time::after, .page time::after, .section time::after { + content: ' '; + background: var(--text); + width: 150px; + height: 1px; + display: block; + margin: 2% auto 0 auto; +} + +.home article h2, .page h1, .section article h2 { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: 900; + text-transform: uppercase; + font-size: 3rem; + text-align: center; + margin: 2% 0; + line-height: 1.2; + word-spacing: .3rem; +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .home article h2, .page h1, .section article h2 { + font-size: 2rem; + } +} + +.home article time, .page time, .section article time { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: normal; + font-style: italic; + font-size: 1.75rem; + display: block; + text-align: center; +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .home article time, .page time, .section article time { + font-size: 1.25rem; + } +} + +.home .barcode, .page .barcode, .section .barcode { + font-family: 'Libre Barcode', sans-serif; + font-size: 2rem; + text-align: center; + -webkit-touch-callout: none; + -webkit-user-select: none; + -khtml-user-select: none; + -moz-user-select: none; + -ms-user-select: none; + user-select: none; +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .home .barcode, .page .barcode, .section .barcode { + font-size: 1rem; + } +} + +.tags ul { + list-style-type: none; + padding: 0; + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: 900; + text-transform: uppercase; + display: flex; + justify-content: center; + + li { + display: flex; + + svg { + margin-right: 5px; + margin-left: 5px; + } + + a { + text-decoration: none; + border-bottom: medium dotted var(--blue); + } + } + + li:not(:last-child):after { + content: ''; + margin-right: 10px; + } +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .tags ul { + display: block; + } + + .tags ul li { + justify-content: center; + } +} + +.home article { + border-top: 1px dotted var(--text); + padding: 7.5% 0; +} + +.home article:first-of-type { + border: none; +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .home blockquote, .section blockquote { + margin: 0; + } +} + +/* home */ +.home article h2 a { + text-decoration: none; + border: none; + color: var(--text); +} + +.home .all { + text-align: center; + + a { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: 900; + text-transform: uppercase; + font-size: 1.75rem; + } + + svg { + margin-left: 10px; + } +} + +/* page */ +.page article { + padding-top: 7.5% +} + +.page article p, .page article ul { + font-size: 1.25rem; +} + +.page article li { + margin-bottom: 10px; +} + +.page article li::marker { + color: var(--blue); +} + +.page article blockquote { + margin: 0; + padding: 2.5% 5%; + background-color: var(--background-shade); + + p { + font-size: 1rem; + } +} + +.page article h2, h3 { + font-size: 2rem; + color: var(--claret); +} + +.page article hr { + border-top: 1px solid var(--text); + color: var(--background); + width: 350px; + margin-top: 5%; + margin-bottom: 5%; +} + +.page article .footnotes { + margin: 10% 0; +} + +.page article .footnotes, .page article .footnotes p { + font-size: 1rem; +} + +.page article .footnotes a { + border: none; +} + +.page article .footnotes hr { + display: none; +} + +/* section */ +.section article h2 a { + text-decoration: none; + border: none; + color: var(--text); +} + +.section h1 { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: 900; + text-align: center; + text-transform: uppercase; + color: var(--claret); +} + +.section article:first-of-type { + padding-top: 0; +} + +.section article { + border-bottom: 1px dotted var(--text); + padding: 7.5% 0; +} + + /* pagination */ + .pagination { + list-style-type: none; + padding: 7.5% 0 0 0; + display: flex; + justify-content: center; + gap: 40px; + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + text-align: center; + text-transform: uppercase; + font-size: 1.25rem; + } + + @media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + .pagination { + gap: 20px; + } + } + + + .pagination__item a { + border: none; + } + + .pagination__item--current a { + font-weight: 900; + color: var(--text); + } + + .pagination__item svg { + width: 18px; + } + +/* tag page */ +.term h1 { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: 900; + text-align: center; + text-transform: uppercase; + color: var(--claret); + margin: 0; + padding-top: 7.5% +} + +.term article { + display: flex; + justify-content: space-between; + align-items: center; + border-bottom: 1px dotted var(--text); + padding: 2.5% 0; + + h2 { + margin: 0; + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + text-transform: uppercase; + font-size: 1.5rem; + width: 80%; + + a { + color: var(--text); + border: none; + } + } + + time { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: normal; + font-style: italic; + } +} + + +/* footer */ +footer { + margin-top: 10%; +} + +footer .social { + list-style-type: none; + padding: 0; + display: flex; + justify-content: center; + align-items: center; + + a { + border-bottom: none; + } + + svg { + transform: scale(1.75); + } + + li:not(:last-child) { + margin-right: 35px; + } +} + +footer .forget { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: normal; + text-transform: uppercase; + font-size: 1.5rem; + text-align: center; + margin: 10px 0; +} + +@media only screen and (max-width: 600px) { + footer .forget { + font-size: 1.25rem; + } +} + +footer .copyright { + font-family: 'Domaine Display', Georgia, serif; + font-weight: normal; + font-style: italic; + text-transform: uppercase; + text-align: center; + margin: 10px 0; +} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/assets/js/main.js b/themes/neverhungoveragain/assets/js/main.js new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e2aac52 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/assets/js/main.js @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +console.log('This site was generated by Hugo.'); diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/hugo.toml b/themes/neverhungoveragain/hugo.toml new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c26950 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/hugo.toml @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ +baseURL = 'https://example.org/' +languageCode = 'en-US' +title = 'My New Hugo Site' + +[menus] + [[menus.main]] + name = 'Home' + pageRef = '/' + weight = 10 + + [[menus.main]] + name = 'Posts' + pageRef = '/posts' + weight = 20 + + [[menus.main]] + name = 'Tags' + pageRef = '/tags' + weight = 30 + +[module] + [module.hugoVersion] + extended = false + min = '0.146.0' diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/footer.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/footer.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..45c8ad0 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/footer.html @@ -0,0 +1,37 @@ + +

+ don't forget to have fun. +

+

+ all errors © cassie +

diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/head.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/head.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed6b355 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/head.html @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + + +{{ if .IsHome }}{{ site.Title }}{{ else }}{{ printf "%s | %s" .Title site.Title }}{{ end }} +{{ partialCached "head/css.html" . }} +{{ partialCached "head/js.html" . }} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/head/css.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/head/css.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7093478 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/head/css.html @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ +{{- with resources.Get "css/main.css" }} + {{- if hugo.IsDevelopment }} + + {{- else }} + {{- with . | minify | fingerprint }} + + {{- end }} + {{- end }} +{{- end }} + +{{- with resources.Get "css/fonts.css" }} + {{- if hugo.IsDevelopment }} + + {{- else }} + {{- with . | minify | fingerprint }} + + {{- end }} + {{- end }} +{{- end }} diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/head/js.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/head/js.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..16ffbed --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/head/js.html @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +{{- with resources.Get "js/main.js" }} + {{- $opts := dict + "minify" (not hugo.IsDevelopment) + "sourceMap" (cond hugo.IsDevelopment "external" "") + "targetPath" "js/main.js" + }} + {{- with . | js.Build $opts }} + {{- if hugo.IsDevelopment }} + + {{- else }} + {{- with . | fingerprint }} + + {{- end }} + {{- end }} + {{- end }} +{{- end }} diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/header.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/header.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7b2a7f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/header.html @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +

+ + cassie + + ink + +

+{{ partial "menu.html" (dict "menuID" "main" "page" .) }} diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/menu.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/menu.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..14245b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/menu.html @@ -0,0 +1,51 @@ +{{- /* +Renders a menu for the given menu ID. + +@context {page} page The current page. +@context {string} menuID The menu ID. + +@example: {{ partial "menu.html" (dict "menuID" "main" "page" .) }} +*/}} + +{{- $page := .page }} +{{- $menuID := .menuID }} + +{{- with index site.Menus $menuID }} + +{{- end }} + +{{- define "_partials/inline/menu/walk.html" }} + {{- $page := .page }} + {{- range .menuEntries }} + {{- $attrs := dict "href" .URL }} + {{- if $page.IsMenuCurrent .Menu . }} + {{- $attrs = merge $attrs (dict "class" "active" "aria-current" "page") }} + {{- else if $page.HasMenuCurrent .Menu .}} + {{- $attrs = merge $attrs (dict "class" "ancestor" "aria-current" "true") }} + {{- end }} + {{- $name := .Name }} + {{- with .Identifier }} + {{- with T . }} + {{- $name = . }} + {{- end }} + {{- end }} +
  • + {{ $name }} + {{- with .Children }} +
      + {{- partial "inline/menu/walk.html" (dict "page" $page "menuEntries" .) }} +
    + {{- end }} +
    • + {{- end }} +{{- end }} diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/pagination.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/pagination.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5355ce8 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/pagination.html @@ -0,0 +1,120 @@ + +{{ $paginator := .Paginator }} + + +{{ $adjacent_links := 2 }} + + +{{ $max_links := (add (mul $adjacent_links 2) 1) }} + + +{{ $lower_limit := (add $adjacent_links 1) }} + + +{{ $upper_limit := (sub $paginator.TotalPages $adjacent_links) }} + + +{{ if gt $paginator.TotalPages 1 }} + +
      + + + {{ if ne $paginator.PageNumber 1 }} +
    • + + First + +
      • + {{ end }} + + + {{ if $paginator.HasPrev }} +
    • + + + +
      • + {{ end }} + + + {{ range $paginator.Pagers }} + + {{ $.Scratch.Set "page_number_flag" false }} + + + + {{ if gt $paginator.TotalPages $max_links }} + + + + + {{ if le $paginator.PageNumber $lower_limit }} + + + {{ if le .PageNumber $max_links }} + {{ $.Scratch.Set "page_number_flag" true }} + {{ end }} + + + + + {{ else if ge $paginator.PageNumber $upper_limit }} + + + {{ if gt .PageNumber (sub $paginator.TotalPages $max_links) }} + {{ $.Scratch.Set "page_number_flag" true }} + {{ end }} + + + + {{ else }} + + {{ if and ( ge .PageNumber (sub $paginator.PageNumber $adjacent_links) ) ( le .PageNumber (add $paginator.PageNumber $adjacent_links) ) }} + {{ $.Scratch.Set "page_number_flag" true }} + {{ end }} + + {{ end }} + + + + {{ else }} + + {{ $.Scratch.Set "page_number_flag" true }} + + {{ end }} + + + {{ if eq ($.Scratch.Get "page_number_flag") true }} +
    • + + {{ .PageNumber }} + +
      • + {{ end }} + + {{ end }} + + + {{ if $paginator.HasNext }} +
    • + + + +
      • + {{ end }} + + + {{ if ne $paginator.PageNumber $paginator.TotalPages }} +
    • + + Last + +
      • + {{ end }} + +
    +{{ end }} \ No newline at end of file diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/terms.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/terms.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ae65a56 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/_partials/terms.html @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ +{{- /* +For a given taxonomy, renders a list of terms assigned to the page. + +@context {page} page The current page. +@context {string} taxonomy The taxonomy. + +@example: {{ partial "terms.html" (dict "taxonomy" "tags" "page" .) }} +*/}} + +{{- $page := .page }} +{{- $taxonomy := .taxonomy }} + +{{- with $page.GetTerms $taxonomy }} + {{- $label := (index . 0).Parent.LinkTitle }} +
    + +
    +{{- end }} diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/about/page.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/about/page.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..031dc35 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/about/page.html @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ +{{ define "main" }} +
    + +

    {{ .Title }}

    + +
    + {{ .Params.url }} +
    + + {{ .Content }} + + {{ partial "terms.html" (dict "taxonomy" "tags" "page" .) }} +
    + +{{ end }} diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/baseof.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/baseof.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2e8ff57 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/baseof.html @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + + + + {{ partial "head.html" . }} + + +
    + {{ partial "header.html" . }} +
    +
    + {{ block "main" . }}{{ end }} +
    +
    + {{ partial "footer.html" . }} +
    + + diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/home.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/home.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e035f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/home.html @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ +{{ define "main" }} + {{ .Content }} + {{ range ( where .Site.RegularPages "Type" "posts" | first 5 ) }} +
    + +

    {{ .LinkTitle }}

    +
    + {{ .Params.url }} +
    + {{ .Summary }} + {{ partial "terms.html" (dict "taxonomy" "tags" "page" .) }} +
    + {{ end }} +
    + + view all posts + + +
    +{{ end }} diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/page.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/page.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..54ca81d --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/page.html @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +{{ define "main" }} +
    + {{ $dateMachine := .Date | time.Format "2006-01-02T15:04:05-07:00" }} + {{ $dateHuman := .Date | time.Format ":date_long" }} + + +

    {{ .Title }}

    + +
    + {{ .Params.url }} +
    + + {{ .Content }} + + {{ partial "terms.html" (dict "taxonomy" "tags" "page" .) }} +
    + +{{ end }} diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/section.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/section.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a61914 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/section.html @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ +{{ define "main" }} +

    All {{ .Title }}

    + {{ .Content }} + {{ $paginator := .Paginate (where .Data.Pages "Type" "posts") }} + {{ range $paginator.Pages }} +
    + +

    {{ .LinkTitle }}

    +
    + {{ .Params.url }} +
    + {{ .Summary }} + {{ partial "terms.html" (dict "taxonomy" "tags" "page" .) }} +
    + {{ end }} + + {{ partial "pagination.html" . }} + +{{ end }} diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/taxonomy.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/taxonomy.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2e7875 --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/taxonomy.html @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +{{ define "main" }} +

    {{ .Title }}

    + {{ .Content }} + {{ range .Pages }} +

    {{ .LinkTitle }}

    + {{ end }} +{{ end }} diff --git a/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/term.html b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/term.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a5107ed --- /dev/null +++ b/themes/neverhungoveragain/layouts/term.html @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ +{{ define "main" }} +

    All posts tagged with + + + {{ .Title }} + +

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