cassie.ink

listen to my story (week notes 024)

Sun, 23 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I’ve missed a few weeks, so consider this my catch up post before starting my week notes up again…

dancing around the subject 'til my legs hurt (week notes 23)

Sun, 02 Feb 2025 00:00:00 +0000

finishing Euphoria instead of reading classic literature

I need love, can you get to me now? (week notes 022)

Sun, 26 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I bought a space heater so I can feel like I am in hell where I belong

she knows I love my cereal (week notes 21)

Sun, 19 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I recently discovered some weirdness with my hard drives in my PC. It’s a long story that isn’t worth telling, but the end of it is that I bought an NVMe drive and am starting fresh with a clean install of Windows. It’s fairly painless now that I have a drive that’s just my files with a separate OS drive. I do have to reinstall and set up some apps again, but it has been a good opportunity to reassess the cruft I’ve let build up on there over the years.

hold on tight to this time, this place (week notes 020)

Sat, 11 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I had a friend over one evening for pizza and card games — mostly Fan Tan and Blackjack, which are almost the only card games I like. My volleyball rec league started up again this week; I haven’t made time for physical exercise lately, and volleyball is a good commitment. I’d like to start running again soon too, but I’m nursing a minor foot injury that I’d like to see cleared up before I put too much stress on it. Thursday was the school spelling bee, which is both fun and heart-wrenching to watch.

stop thinking a phone call or text is too complicated (week notes 019)

Sat, 04 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

I’m still reading Pride & Prejudice, but with the hubbub of the holidays, I haven’t made much progress. I’m excited about the next books in my pile, though, so I am determined to finish soon.

I’ve burned through several seasons of Girls since my last week notes. I’m in the last season now, and my opinions have started to solidify. I think if I’d watched the show at the time of airing, I’d have found Lena et al. insufferably pretentious. Old age has softened me; instead I find it a charming (though still deeply problematic and limited in the perspectives it represents) contra point. TV was and is rife with the male perspective, shows at which many of the same critiques could be levied (Seinfeld, Always Sunny, etc.). I think Girls attracts the ire it does partly due to its creator’s frequent gaffes and problematic statements but also because it challenges the status quo simply by its existence and its featuring complex women who are hard to like. I don’t think there was a cultural crisis of any kind over the characters in shows like Always Sunny being unlikeable — it’s clear that they’re meant to be. Girls is the same, but our culture has far more trouble swallowing unlikeable women. I also think that, while the show has its ups and downs and some storylines that don’t work, it is pretty consistent in quality — something I don’t often say about shows that run for several seasons.

using purell 'til my hands bleed and swell (week notes 18)

Sun, 22 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

Unfortunately I haven’t been able to exercise much; partly, this is because I haven’t been making the time for it, but I also tweaked my right shoulder somehow and it’s been quite painful to use in every day tasks. Ring Fit is therefore off the table. The trouble is that I genuinely don’t know what I did to it! This week is my last before our holiday break, and I’m hoping to get back on the horse over the course of my 16 (!!) days off.

sleepyhead 'cause all the fucking foxes kept me awake last night (week notes 017)

Sun, 15 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

I bought a new domain name — I’m not going to post it just yet — but I’m considering switching this site over to it. I love esotericbullshit, but I’m not sure it’s the energy I want to put out there. It makes the URL a little hard to share. But it also feels remarkably stupid when I just moved this over from another domain (which is incidentally quite similar to the new one…).¹

to find part of you still works is like a tiny victory (week notes 016)

Sun, 08 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

I went for a run with a good friend at an indoor track near me. The track itself is quite short, so the run is a little awkward, but it’s a super soft flooring which made the run easy on my joints. It’s nice to have a new run buddy, too!
Saturday I felt angry and sick and exhausted all day; I’d intended to go out and do holiday shopping but instead just rotted at home. I know I needed the rest, but seemingly everything put me in a bad mood. It’s maybe just PMS — I haven’t been good about tracking my cycle lately, though — or just the seasonal depression. It’s shit no matter what it is.

Reading

Hometown Visit. I love reading folks who blog about their loves. It’s probably voyeuristic — I don’t know that it reflects well on me — but it makes me wish I had the courage to do the same.
Sandra Cisneros, Woman Hollering Creek. I’m waiting for Villette to come in, so I wanted something that would be easy to jump in and out of. This fits the bill; I love Mango Street dearly and this simply feels like more of it (albeit not following one character, but then, Cisneros’s stories all seem to co-exist).
25 Wirecutter Journalists Can’t Be Wrong: How Owala Became an Official Water Bottle Pick. What a ridiculously self-important, self-absorbed article. I generally like and use Wirecutter; some of their recommendations are ridiculously decadent and detached from reality, but they are one of the few reliable online sources for product reviews and recommendations. I am all for an ode to something you love and that makes your life better, but this read not as “we tested and compared a lot of products” but more “we all have good taste and have this water bottle so it must be good, right?”

Watching

Evermore: The Theme Park That Wasn’t - YouTube by Jenny Nicholson. I love Jenny’s videos but hadn’t watched this one yet; I dozed through portions but enjoyed it all the same.

Playing

Pride & Prejudice The Board Game. My brother gifted this to me years ago and I’ve never found an opportunity to play it. A student of mine is listening to the audiobook of P&P on my recommendation and I told her about the board game; I thought I should play it first myself, so I convinced Joe to play with me.
Fabledom. This has been in my Steam wishlist for ages, and I wanted a cozy game to try to quell my Saturday mood. It’s OK. I enjoyed the time I put into it, but I don’t think I will go back to it. City builders tend to entertain me for a few hours, but then I reach the later points of the game (or it becomes a chore to manage everything) and get bored.

Listening

I’ve had three songs in rotation this week: “Clown Blood/Orpheus’ Bobbing Head” by Los Campesinos!, “up” by Pigthe, and “You Good? (In Medias Res)” by Proper.

an ode to gitsync

Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Since I moved this site to Hugo, I’ve been using an app called GitJournal to post from my phone. I have a beautiful desk setup with a clacky mechanical keyboard that’s a joy to write on, but the simple fact is that I’m a lazy shit and want to update my blog from the couch. It’s all mostly worked fine, with some headaches. I originally intended to use GitJournal to store my Github repo to my phone’s filesystem and then point an Obsidian¹ vault at that.

my voice moved hades so he extinguished the fire (week notes 015)

Sun, 01 Dec 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

Joe and I ran a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. My time was not good (40:38), but there was wet, heavy snow coming down, so I was mostly focused on not eating shit. I think mid-November might be my 5K cutoff. We otherwise stayed home for the holiday and spent some much needed time relaxing together.
With the holiday season upon us, this is usually around the time that I take a big trip out to a nearby mall to get gifts for everyone. I want to commit this year to shopping mostly (entirely?) from local small businesses or buying handmade and secondhand goods. I’m happy to live in a town with a great Main Street, and I want to stop dumping my money into corporations.
- I did order a bunch of rechargeable batteries from Amazon for Black Friday, but that was the extent of my shopping.
I miss podcasting again. I’ve run a few podcasts over the years, which all petered out for various reasons, but I’m feeling the itch again. I don’t know what I’d podcast about, though, which runs contrary to popular logic: you should have something to say, not just the desire to say things. I love audio production and the sound of my own voice, though.
- Maybe I record audio versions of my blog posts and turn that into a podcast? I want to write more, after all. I don’t think my week notes would be conducive to an audio format, but maybe my longer form writing (what little of it exists).
I bought a camera (Panasonic Lumix G7) on a bit of a whim. I film a lot of videos for my school, so I guess there’s professional utility in using something other than my phone, but I also want to get better about taking pictures to preserve memories.

Watching

On Saturday, I felt sick and rotted on the couch and watched YouTube junkfood: mostly outsidexbox’s seven things videos and Macho Nacho console mod videos.
- I don’t mod consoles. I like to tinker with electronics, but I’ve never soldered anything. Somehow, however, I find myself watching a lot of these sorts of videos. I think I admire the production value and Tito’s calm, measured approach.
I’m about done with Daria, but I haven’t watched the movies yet.

Reading

Into the Wild by John Krakauer. As a kid, the film adaptation was on frequent rotation in my house; my mom often fixated on one movie and watched it over and over, and she was a big fan of the soundtrack as well. I’ve always wanted to read the book since, and I’m trying again to commit to reading more now that the start of school year frenzy has died down for me. I’m enjoying following McCandless’s story and don’t think Krakauer too effusive (though his biases are clear), but some of the tangents feel extraneous.
- Finished on November 28. A humanizing and sympathetic account of a controversial figure. A few meandering chapters, but there are — in McCandless’s case especially — wrong turns taken in pursuit of truth, meaning, and beauty.
I’ve ordered Charlotte Brontë’s Villette through my local bookstore as an upcoming read on the recommendation of a student’s parent. I’m also interested in getting my hands on The Dead Father by David Barthelme after reading an excerpt in Into the Wild.

Playing

Satisfactory. Just a few months before the pandemic, while I was in grad school, I fell deeply in love with Satisfactory and attempted in vain to explain to my literary and well-rounded colleagues that I was spending my free time balancing my iron production pipelines and converting from biomass energy to coal. I dipped my toe in a few more times after my mania but resolved to wait until 1.0 as many of my production lines would need to be seriously re-tooled. Joe suggested we start a co-op save this week and I am back and thriving.
- We did get into a brief, heated conflict over manifold (my preference) versus balanced production, an argument all couples experience at some point in their relationship, I’m sure.
I played a little but more of Pokémon Crystal, but I’m at a point where I have to grind out levels to take on the next gym, which I’m supremely uninterested in doing. Maybe I’ll just hack my save.

Listening

I downloaded the Satisfactory soundtrack and have had that on in the background — it’s very good. Otherwise, I’m mostly still listening to Rainbow Kitten Surprise.

it's second nature to love you (week notes 014)

Sun, 24 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

first week notes in a while so some of this might not be strictly “this week”

Doing

I turned 30. I had a big party with lots of friends — and I feel grateful to have so many folks who want to celebrate with me, including some who drove substantial distances. I still have a bunch of mixed up feelings about crossing this threshold, but I’m trying to remember the advice of a friend: it’s a gift to grow older.
This maybe belongs under a playing heading, but maybe not: I picked up Ring Fit Adventure for the first time since the pandemic. It’s getting to be too cold out to run, so I need an alternate fitness option. My most reliable gym buddy moved away, so I’m seeing if I can get Ring Fit to stick again. I am definitely in way better shape than when I was playing years ago; I would feel faint after 20-30 minutes in the game, but my first session was over 30 minutes and I felt fine (albeit sweaty) after. Turning 30 feels like an inflection point where I need to get serious about losing weight.
I also went to the gym for the first time in months to run on the treadmill. With snow season upon us, I need to transition to indoor running. I like it quite a bit less, but I don’t want to lose progress.
We had our first big snow of the season on Friday, which meant a (much-needed) lazy snow day at home.

Watching

Daria, season four. I started rewatching Daria around Halloween because I dressed as her for the holiday. I still love it and I still hate Tom.
Friends at the Table’s Fields of Mistria streams. I’m not a FatT fan — actual play podcasts do not appeal to me at all — but Joe is, and I otherwise like a lot of the personalities on the show. Ali is probably my favorite and Joe and I love farming games like Mistria a whole lot.

Playing

Pokémon Crystal Legacy. I had a hankering of Gen 2 nostalgia hit me, so I’ve been working my way through this ROM hack. I know a lot of my love for Gen 2 stems from it being my first Pokémon — and, indeed, one of the first games I really ever played — but I’m happy to report that it’s just as charming as I remember.

Listening

Rainbow Kitten Surprise, RKS. Listened on the recommendation of a friend; I was concerned initially because I really didn’t like the first track (my words: “Big garage vibes. Like shit you listen to while you work on your motorcycle”), but after that hump, I really loved the album. My tops are “Cold Love,” “Wasted,” “All’s Well That Ends,” and “Lady Lie.” “Cold Love” in particular has really hung around in my head.

Reflections on elections

Thu, 07 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

2016 was the first year I was eligible to vote in a presidential election. I was away at college, so I completed an absentee ballot, and, like most, felt confident in what I thought would be the result. I was no big fan of Clinton’s — I voted for Bernie in the primaries — but the other option was laughable: I couldn’t believe that a major political party put such a clown up as their candidate, and I thought the electorate was smart enough to see him for the fraud (and fascist) he was.

spend my days running in circles (week notes 013)

Sun, 20 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

I presented to pre-service teachers at my alma mater with a colleague! Emotionally, I still feel like I was in their spot not that long ago — and then I remember I graduated over six years ago (and into a vastly different world and job market).
I’m finding myself using ellipses a lot and I do not like it. Is this growing old? Am I becoming a boomer?
I’m thinking about maintaining some kind of daily log — just simple, passing notes on what I did, what I thought about. Obsidian has this feature built in and it might be a good way to start. I like the idea of it being searchable and (theoretically) infinite in size, but I also want an excuse for another notebook.
- I used to do daily reflections at the end of my work day. Slowly, those became every few days, then every week, then rarely. It was a good practice that I wish I had maintained, but there’s already so much I’m packing into my work day — and my goal in daily notes is to be more mindful about what I’m doing and thinking in my free time.
I attended my state-wide English teacher conference; this is something like my sixth or seventh time attending and I still find it valuable. I left with a lot of great ideas on how to diversify my practice and better empower my students.

Watching

Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Joe and I have watched a few episodes. I liked the book fine, but the TV show has yet to grab me. It lacks Percy’s narrative voice (and personality), and while it’s good that Percy is played by an actual child, his pre-pubescent voice freaks me out.
Broad City. Joe and I watched a lot of Broad City early in our relationship, but we never finished it. We are starting it over from the beginning. Still funny!

Listening

Charli XCX, Brat and it’s completely different but also still brat. Every re-release and new drop for brat innovates, co-exists, and complements. The features on this remix album feel like an ode to the remarkable original release and a statement of how pivotal the album has been personally and for the industry writ large. This version of “Everything is romantic” is as much a remix as an iteration; the original captures a single moment in beautiful, mimetic detail, and this one is another artist following the theme and form with their own experiences. brat is undoubtedly a project we’ll all be talking about when we discuss the music of the 2020s; I love witnessing its creation in real time.
- For the haters, a friend of mine said the mixing was bad and that it “just sounds like noise.” I still like her (Charli and the friend, in that order¹).
Foxholes, Foxholes. I found “Alligator” while going through Daytrotter archives and loved it; the rest of the album is pleasant listening, but “Alligator” is the stand out.
Yung Lean, Stardust. I loved Yung Lean’s feature on Brat and it’s completely different but also still brat; imagine my surprise when I discovered that the esoteric bullshit (or so I thought) I was listening to ten+ years ago as a joke but not really went on to be a critically recognized artist. I thought it was just a weird fucking song.
- Stardust is a much more polished and, dare I say, coherent and digestible² product than “Hurt”; I like it, but I’m not sure any of the songs will earn the coveted ⭐ on Plex.³ It’s music I’d have to be in a mood for — although the mumble-y nature of it makes it good background music while working. Maybe it just needs to sit with me a little more.

just kidding :-) ↩︎

what would it mean for us if i fell off this slide? (week notes 012)

Sun, 13 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I’m doing a condensed post this week because I have been so busy with work!

Joe and I finished our rewatch of Gilmore Girls, and I’m happy to say that I still love the show. It goes downhill in season six and is borderline unwatchable in season seven, but I have such affection for all before that — especially the warm blanket, cozy autumn early seasons.
I’m watching Joe play The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom.

but let's talk about you for a minute (week notes 011)

Sun, 06 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I’m doing two weeks in one post. Last week I was dead sick and working too much so I didn’t assemble a post throughout the week as I normally do.

Doing

Joe and I drove back to ___ for a funeral… and then back, all in one day. Eight hours on the road, but it was nice to spend some time together, singing and talking about heavy things.¹
I ran four miles in one go! Not without stopping and walking, and I’m far from my best times, but I’m trying to rebuild my endurance and speed after taking a long time off.
I’m trying to get back into skin care. I’ve never had a thorough routine, but I’ve been slacking even on the meager bit I do. I looked in the mirror and saw an old person looking back at me, so I’ve been cleansing and moisturizing on a near-daily basis now.

Reading

The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating by Elizabeth Tova Bailey. I’m reading this on recommendation of a friend and coworker. The writing has a beautiful directness, but I’m not exactly fascinated by (or at all interested in) snails. It is eye-opening to read something so scientific in approach that is still a work of literature, however; it leaves me to consider how our different disciplines — me as an English teacher and my coworker a Science teacher — change the way we think and look at the world.
a ranking of iMac G3 colors by tulip.
field notes cured my twitter addiction on The Birdhouse. A lovely ode to a notebook.

Watching

Gilmore Girls, season six. Joe and I have reached about the end of the season. I think six has some good moments and episodes but is, on the whole, drudgery. Luke’s character takes a bizarre turn, and I somehow have even less patience for Rory and Logan’s relationship this time around.
America’s Next Top Model, cycle five. Passive rewatches while folding laundry; the actual modeling and photoshoots are a low for the UPN seasons, but the personalities make it an entertaining season.

Playing

Joe and I have played more of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II, which is really him watching me play and selecting dialogue options with me. He really does not care for the combat; I don’t love it either, but having played so much of this game and the first as a kid, I know my way around it much better. He doesn’t seem to like any of the characters yet; on one hand, I get that, because I think the KotOR II characters are much more complex and harder to initially like than the first game’s, but maybe the series just isn’t for him…
- We’ve been playing as a female Exile, but Joe was interested in the Handmaiden, and I prefer her to the Disciple, so I decided to roll back a save and use the PartySwap mod… until I realized that I have Steam Workshop mods mixed with the KotOR II Mod Build.² Apparently, because I used the Workshop 13 years ago when I last played this game, Steam decided I definitely wanted those installed again. Ugh. The solution was to start from the beginning with cheats that will let me zip through and get back to where we were. It took the better part of five hours to re-install all the mods and play back through Peragus and Telos.
- That all said, I really love this game. I love the way the narrative places you in a backstory rather than the “blank slate” approach of the first game.³ The player then gets to decide the Exile’s reasons for going to war, their outlook on the Jedi, and there’s a lot of gray area to be found.

Listening

Mr. Anyway’s Holey Spirits Perform! One Foot in Bethlehem and Pure Particles by The Bug Club. More recommendations from a former student of mine. I’m really enjoying them! One Foot in Bethlehem very clearly has some religious satire, but I’ve not had a chance to parse for sub-text… At this point, I’m on a basal, what’s catchy level (the answer is a lot).

religion, marriage, the future… the usual, at this point. I hate getting old. ↩︎

I know if I don't go now I won't make it out (week notes 010)

Sun, 22 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

My volleyball rec league started back up! I’m awful and uncoordinated on the court, but it’s fun to play with friends, and I have learned the hard way that I’m a lot less depressed when I’m active.
I’m enjoying reading ex-cohost folks on the bearblog discovery feed. The trending feed can get a little stale.¹ I hope they stick around.
I took a walk (and a run) with a dear friend that I’ve been trying to get together with for a while. She’s decades older than me, but we are incredibly like-minded. Kindred spirits. I appreciate her wisdom and guidance and friendship immensely as she listens to all my neuroses.
On Sunday night, Joe and I went to a wedding for two of our best friends. Maybe I’ll make a longer post with all that stirs up for me — thoughts on marriage and commitment…
Unfortunately, I left the wedding feeling sick. COVID test was negative so here’s hoping it’s just allergies from the changing season.

Reading

No One Belongs Here More than You, Miranda July. I stand by what I said last week. I think I need a break from the sexual deviants I’m apparently (and unconsciously) selecting lately. I’m glad to be done with this; I appreciated July’s occasional wit and found it Handler-esque, but those touches were few and far between, and the rest of it mostly just grossed me out.
My next books will be The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating, recommended by a friend and coworker, and, I think, Into the Wild, which I’ve always meant to read. It might not seem like much for an English teacher, but these past few months I’ve been reading for pleasure more than I have in years and it has me feeling so full. It’s great to rediscover that joy.²
“Linkin Park, From Zero” by n3verm0re. I’m not a Linkin Park fan by any means, but I have been interested in seeing how a group reawakens after such a tremendous loss. I really enjoyed this piece about it.

Listening

Green Dream in F# and Rare Birds, The Bug Club. I asked a student of mine what kind of music she listened to; she said her music was too weird and I’d probably never heard of it. I took that as a personal challenge. But it’s not that weird — although, as an (ex?) Xiu Xiu listener, my barometer is off. I liked both albums! They’re light, fun listening, and absolutely up my alley.
Romance is Boring, Los Campesinos! Listening to the music students of mine like has me thinking about the music I was in love with at their age. RiB came out at the exact right time for me and holds a special place in my heart. I listen to tracks from it often, but this was the first time I’d revisited some deeper cuts, like “Who Fell Asleep In,” in years.
All Hell, Los Campesinos! I’m still forming my larger thoughts on All Hell, but it was interesting to compare side-by-side with RiB. It is far more even and consistent in quality — RiB has some all-timers but also some real duds (“Plan A”) — but there is a visceral, adolescent melodrama to RiB that All Hell lacks. All Hell is instead grown up and wistfully forlorn, especially compared to juggernauts like “I Just Sighed.” Both are good and appropriate for me at different times and headspaces, but RiB holds more of hook — although I have fifteen years of relationship and baggage with it compared to All Hell.
I’m thinking about a recurring theme in songs I am or have been fixated on —
- “Drops (reprise),” The Peripheral Ones - “I know if I don’t go now I won’t make it out”
  - “The Whale Song,” Modest Mouse - “I guess I am a scout / so I should find a way out / so everyone can find a way out”
- “Ave Maria,” Mac Miller - “Have you found a way out?” & “Come Back to Earth” - “I just need a way out of my head / I’ll do anything for a way out of my head”
— the idea of making it out is, of course, not a unique theme, but perhaps it’s why The House on Mango Street resonated with me: “For the ones I left behind. For the ones who cannot out.”

I think posts don’t decay quickly enough from the feed, and the top page or two of trending posts are all by the same handful of people. There’s a handful of very active posters, which is a great thing, but I like to see variety there. ↩︎

666 with a princess streak (week notes 009)

Sun, 15 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

Working on getting off big corporate social media, still. I’m almost entirely off Twitter; I keep the app just because I have a few notifications set for when specific people tweet (mostly bands who tweet out tour dates), but I’m otherwise mostly on Mastodon (social.lol) and Discord. Cohost going down was sad to see even if I was never an active user and there were problems with it, but its downfall impressed on me even further the importance of owning your content — and it made me really happy to have this space for my thoughts and writing.
I got my COVID booster and flu shot on Friday, which put me out of order for some time. Glad to have them done, however; one day of discomfort is worth it!
The weight of being a teacher really set on me this week — not the teaching work, which I love, but the emotional weight of my students’ lives. It’s especially hard to see kids that remind me of myself at their age and wish I could impart all that I’ve learned — but knowing that there are no shortcuts and that the only way out for them is through. I can’t pluck them out; they have to live it. I can only hope to be there for them as they do.

Reading

No One Belongs Here More than You, Miranda July. This has been in my Amazon wishlist for I don’t know how long — long enough that I’ve forgotten where I’d found it or why I’d wanted to read it. I liked the cover a lot, I guess. Anyway, I feel this is suffering from my reading it so soon after Death Is Not an Option as I have much of the same opinion: excellent prose but turned off by all the weird sex.¹ I find July’s narrators and conceits to be far more varied than Rivecca’s, but Rivecca never made me read about an old man who fantasizes about teenage girls, so I automatically like her better.
Meet Lochlan O’Neil, the creator of DashCon on Garbage Day. “I had to go to extensive therapy because I was like, “oh my god, I, Lochlan O’Neil, single-handedly destroyed fandom culture?”

Watching

Pokémon 4Ever. Joe and I got our shit rocked by the COVID and flu shots and decided to watch this. Middling, but a surprising environmentalist message. I’m realizing how much of who Joe is goes back to Pokémon, of all things.
Gilmore Girls, season five. Joe and I went back in for a few episodes in our shot stupor. Still enjoyable, but we are quickly gaining on the last of the good episodes in my opinion.

Listening

i,i, Bon Iver. Not bad, but I like For Emma and 22, A Million far more.
Chants, The Peripheral Ones. I’ve said before that this album is perhaps the most esoteric of my bullshit; it’s a cover album of a little-known² Myspace-era band, The Middle Ones, done by pigthe (the guitarist for Trust Fund). The album is obscure enough that it’s not on MusicBrainz (I’m aware that I could add it) and the band has 23 listeners on last.fm. I love it and go back to it often.

reading these books back to back has left me wondering if I’m somehow unconsciously selecting books only written by deviants or if I’m just so vanilla that my gauge for sexual content is skewed ↩︎

the birds remember how to come home (week notes 008)

Sun, 08 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

School is officially back in session, so my free time is much more limited now. I’m optimistic for the year, though!

Reading

Death Is Not an Option by Suzanne Rivecca. Finished at last. I have not much new to say compared to last week. I felt a notable sense of relief to be done with it and free to move on.
Write as you wish: a call to bring back the prose by Marisabel. I’m not a good enough writer for this to be applicable, so call this aspirational reading.
back at it & social media free by kristin. I’ve pretty much dropped Twitter in the last few weeks — I really want to separate myself from toxic online spaces.
Please please please please please please share your big dumb beautiful self with the world by Keenan. “What does it look like to put yourself on a page, or in a photo, or a brushstroke, or a string plucked and reverberating harmoniously out into the room? When does the screaming inside become loud enough, so all-encompassing that you open up the door to let it pour out of you?”

Watching

America’s Next Top Model, cycle three. Top Model is my comfort show right now. I love the first seven cycles best, but cycle three has a special place in my heart. It’s one of the first cycles I ever saw and has one of the most entertaining casts. The modelling itself is pretty poor, but that’s not really what Top Model was about.
Run Button’s Star Wars Outlaws streams. I’m really interested in Outlaws based on what I’ve seen; Keith has been complaining about the stealth a lot in the streams, but I think a good amount of that has been player error.

Playing

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords. I’ve tried to get Joe to play KotOR for years, but he was turned off by the combat. We listened to A More Civilized Age’s coverage together, though (he’s a big Friends at the Table fan), and it got him interested in KotOR II (despite my insisting for years that it is the finest piece of Star Wars media). We’re playing through together — me with the controller but collectively making decisions. We’re still on Peragus (gross), but I’m enjoying revisiting it. This will be my first time playing it in at least ten years and my first time with the restored content mod.

Listening

Life’s a Riot With Spy vs Spy, Billy Bragg. I like “A New England” a whole lot; the rest was good but didn’t grab me. There’s a sparseness and intimacy that struck me when I first heard “A New England,” but the novelty had worn off for the other tracks.
For Emma, Forever Ago, Bon Iver. I listened to this all the way through one night and it unfortunately really spoke to me. I know I’ve listened through it before, years ago, and I didn’t care for anything except “Skinny Love”; this time around, every track hit.
“Bishop, CA” and “Wig Master,” Xiu Xiu. I swore off Xiu Xiu back in 2013 or so after listening to them heavily during a deep depression; I’m not cold turkey on them anymore, but they’re not in my regular rotation either. I’ve been thinking of these two, some of my favorites then.¹

in so far as any Xiu Xiu song is a “favorite” and not “a desperate cry for help” ↩︎

I guess I feel a bit lost without you (week notes 007)

Sun, 01 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

I re-did my website! I’ve detailed it all in a separate post, but I’m really excited about making weird stuff online here. I will miss being on the bearblog discovery feed, but this is also a push for me to get involved more on webrings & other small web communities.¹
I’m starting to get my classroom ready for the school year. I’m really excited about some of the changes I’m making — the physical layout of the room, curricular changes, routines, and philosophies. We go back to school on Tuesday, so this is really the end stretch of summer.
I was pretty social this week! I had a friend and coworker over to help us identify some of the plants we have on our property; had a different friend over to play some games; went to see a Fleetwood Mac cover band with some of my partner’s coworkers; and had my sister and her boyfriend over to go hiking and out to lunch.

Reading

An unrelenting sense of longing (or: “Maps”) by Keenan. “Maps” rocks and I love reading fellow music sickos.
Death Is Not an Option by Suzanne Rivecca. Plugging along, slowly. Rivecca’s prose is excellent but none of the stories have really gripped me; all the protagonists are of a singular type that I don’t really connect to.

Watching

Into the Aether’s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke We finished it this week — a tragic end to a great series. RIP TONYSOPRAN.

Playing

Pokémon White Version. Played here and there; I think I’m losing my enthusiasm for it.
We had a friend over and played a little Rock Band and Mario Party Superstars.
Final Fantasy XIV. Just a bit on Sunday night; focusing on leveling my Marauder (almost to 50!) and my Squadrons. I’ve also started doing my Sylph Beast Tribe quests again because I want the Goobbue Mount.

Listening

Oblivion Will Own Me and Death Alone Will Love Me (Void Filler), Every Moment of Every Day, and Fates Worse Than Death, Short Fictions. I saw Short Fictions at Warsaw when they opened for Los Campesinos! I really enjoyed them live and sat down to listen to a few of their albums (they were kind enough to post their setlist!). Their music lacks some novelty compared to the live performance, but I still like a few songs — notably, “Anymore,” “Nothingness Lies Coiled at the Heart of Being (It’s Such a Good Feeling),” and “Forever Endeavor.”
“Feather Test” by A Weather. This may be my song this year.² I fell in love with it a few months ago and returned to it this week. I love, I love, I love (I will, I will). A beautiful, breathy mix of fleeting, intersecting harmonies with a rich and simplistic production. Every line strikes. (“Brush your hand / Across where you felt me / Do I pass the feather test?”)

Also, importantly, I blog to write, not to be read. I guess. ↩︎

Automattic's Write Brief is, unsurprisingly, full of shit

Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Automattic recently launched their Write Brief AI assistant for folks using Jetpack with WordPress.¹ It is automatically available to anyone using wordpress.com, which I verified by logging into my 14-year-old account.

I decided to test it out on my recent post about The Basic Eight. I chose this because it’s one of my more recent posts that isn’t #week-notes . I pasted it directly into the Gutenberg editor with all of the AI settings toggled on.

what's this? (and how it works)

Wed, 28 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Welcome to esotericbullshit.net, the new home of my blog and web stuff.

Previously, this blog was hosted at bearblog under the domain cassie.land. Now, I’m using the SSG Hugo to create the site, which deploys to Github Pages for hosting.

So why the move? I love bearblog and recommend it to just about anyone who wants to get into blogging and the small web — it’s dead simple for folks with no web expertise, it has an awesome community, and the discover page allows you to share your content and connect with folks also using the platform. Unfortunately, I am, at heart, a tinkerer — bearblog felt a little too easy, and a little limiting for some of the visions I have. And, ultimately, I just want to own my content and embrace new technologies and challenges.

I want to sleep and dream alone (week notes 006)

Mon, 26 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

I was at school one day this week for an orientation for some student leaders.
I went to Six Flags and realized I’m old; my tolerance for roller coasters is, suddenly, shockingly low.
Feeling extreme relief but also guilt for being such an introvert — lately I feel I’m an anti-social loner, but friends have reassured me that these feelings are normal and everyone enjoys and protects their alone time (to an extent, depending on the person). All I really want to do is be alone in my house, left to do my silly little projects.
I’m trying still to move away from big, corporate social media — I have been spending more time on Mastodon and the bearblog discover feed. I’ve scarcely opened Twitter, and I’ve set 30m app timers for Facebook and Instagram. I rarely hit it for either, but something about knowing the timer is there makes me more conscious of the time I’m wasting on them. I’m not happy yet with my screen time as a whole, but at least I feel I’m seeing more of real people (and people I choose to follow) than algorithms and dark patterns.
On Friday, I went to IKEA with a friend and my sister to get some things for the house and a few items for my classroom.
I intended to go into school on Saturday and begin some of the physical setup I need to do, but I felt sick and exhausted. I took a COVID test (negative) — I’m hoping it’s just holdover from a long day of driving on Friday.

Reading

Studying to be a teacher in the modern day by Sparrow. I feel the same about teaching as Sparrow: it’s a hard career to choose in today’s education system and economic climate, but teaching is so intrinsically part of me that I can’t see myself doing anything else. Even with the stress, the low pay, the poor working conditions, I love it.
What a demure, mindful, and brat summer by Kayla. Great introspective piece on trends and shifting mindsets. As I get older, I’m less connected to fads (especially because I’m not on TikTok and have curated my social media feeds), but I do try hard to understand them — I never want to be someone who brushes things off as “kids these days” absurdity and who blames the younger generation for every societal woe. Brat summer and demure sound silly, but there’s importance in trying to understand what matters to young people¹ — and we can only reach state of cooperation and harmony through mutual understanding and respect.
Help! I Invited My Coworkers Into a Very Personal Part of My Life. Now I Really Regret It. by Hillary Frey. I read Dear, Prudence often to satisfy my busybody tendencies and, occasionally, to talk through social quandaries with my partner. The first letter here hit particularly hard; I am a teacher and regularly have coworkers ask super invasive questions about my family planning. I’m friends with someone who went through IVF and she’s opened my eyes to how these “innocent questions” (they’re not) can hurt folks dealing with infertility. I’m not, but even I find questions about whether I’m trying for a baby super invasive!
finding kindness online by ava. A great piece about connection in gaming. I have baggage with video game-centric spaces online, but this gives me some hope.

Watching

America’s Next Too Model, cycle 1. Mostly passive viewing while folding laundry, but cycle 1 has a special quality. It feels less like a reality show and more like a documentary about what it’s like to be on a reality show. The budget is clearly low and the show hadn’t established its structure just yet, so the contestants learn how the show works along with us. It feels grounded and authentic — for a season of Top Model, that is.
Into the Aether’s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke Joe and I are continuing this and still really loving it!

Playing

Final Fantasy XIV. I’m slowly working through the post-Stormblood patch content. Joe is still playing through A Realm Reborn, so I’m levelling Warrior to do dungeons alongside him as a new class. I’m enduring the slow, painful grind of levelling my Squadrons, too. I like the concept of Squadrons — they remind me of my beloved Final Fantasy Tactics Advance,² but unfortunately there is very little variety and a lot of waiting involved here.
Pokémon White Version. I was inspired to jump into a Pokémon game by the Nuzlocke Joe and I are watching. I’ve never really played White; maybe a year ago I did the first three gyms, but I remember none of it. I started it over on Saturday night.

Listening

Nothing really specific — just some shuffles. I have, however, started tracking my listening data to listenbrainz!

the secrecy won't keep you free (week notes 005)

Sun, 18 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

This week I learned that I’m allergic to yellowjacket stings in the worst way possible (not that there’s a good way). I was attacked by a nest of them while mowing the lawn and had to go to the ER.
Contemplating my intense introversion.
I was able to finally get together with a dear friend for a walk through the park — we have been trying to see each other for a while now but schedules and weather kept getting in the way. Talking to her, a kindred spirit, nourishes me.

Reading

The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler. Finished in the first hours of this week. I wrote up a full post with my thoughts.
Death Is Not an Option by Suzanne Rivecca. I’m about halfway through this. It’s middling; there’s a lot of weird sex that I simply do not connect to, and all of the narrators / protagonists feel the same even though this is a collection of unrelated short stories.
There’s an apostrophe battle brewing among grammar nerds. Is it Harris’ or Harris’s? by Holly Tamer. This is the kind of presidential race news coverage I want to see in this world.

Watching

Into the Aether’s Pokemon Emerald Nuzlocke. I really like Into the Aether and the TWG network, and Joe is a big fan of watching Pokemon challenges on YouTube. We are not far in, but we are enjoying it so far.

Playing

Rock Band 4. I have a friend visiting this week — it’s a great party game.
Carcassone. A board game staple in my house.

Listening

Nothing particular beyond some shuffles, but my mom came over with her old Fleetwood Mac records and we realized that my record player has been spinning slightly too fast (~33.7rpm instead of 33.3). I noticed it months ago with Mac Miller’s GO:ODAM, but I thought it might just be the press. We fixed it and now I feel I have to re-listen to all my records.

I finished The Basic Eight and I can't decide if I enjoyed it

Sat, 17 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Spoilers to follow.

I wrote in my week notes:

The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler. Handler’s Adverbs is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved Watch Your Mouth, too. I need light reprieves from The Odyssey, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler’s bibliography. I’m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It’s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler’s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.

I love when you invoke my death (week notes 004)

Sun, 11 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

Joe and I went to the lake with two friends. We did some kayaking¹ and went swimming, then returned to our house to have a belated birthday celebration for Joe.
I played around with Hugo and thought about moving this blog (back) there. I love the bearblog community and don’t want to leave it, but I also want to build a personal site out more. I’m conflicted, but for now, I’m sticking on bearblog.² I also bought a domain without a plan to use it — I love cassieland, but this one speaks to me, and it has an air of anonymity, which is appealing should I pursue my goal to blog more; anonymity feels safer.
Joe and I went to visit family, so we’re spending a weekend lake- and pool-side, and I’m reminded for the ten thousandth time of how wonderful he is with children. The biological clock ticks.

Reading

How Did This New Harry Potter Ride Get Approved? by Brendon Bigley. I used to be a tremendous Harry Potter fan but consciously decoupled from the series given J.K. Rowling’s modern social campaign of hate. I’ve gone to and enjoyed Universal’s Wizarding World, but I agree with Brendon’s stance: it is bizarre when Universal leans into the thinly veiled Nazism parallels for their theme park and ask attendees to rejoice in war crime trials.
The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler. Handler’s Adverbs is often what I cite when folks ask what my favorite book is, and I loved Watch Your Mouth, too. I need light reprieves from The Odyssey, too, so this seemed an excellent time to round out my reading of Handler’s bibliography. I’m about halfway through and enraptured by the narrative voice. It’s pretentious, as a story narrated by a precocious high school senior should be, without being cloying, and with Handler’s charming humor throughout. I love it so far and have faith that the feeling will continue. I normally hate books set in high school, but this one takes me back to my high school self — somehow, in a good way, which I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.

Watching

Gilmore Girls, season five. Continuing on; we are reaching the point where Joe stopped watching years ago — I had him watch the show with me when we first started dating — so I’m excited to get into fresh content. Unfortunately, the show goes downhill, in my opinion, by season six, so we are in the last of the good.
America’s Next Top Model, cycle six. If I believed in guilty pleasures, ANTM would be mine. Fortunately I don’t, so I can indulge all I’d like in junk food TV. I think the first seven seasons are all gold, but I was in the mood for Jade’s antics in six — truly one of the most unhinged individuals to ever appear on the show.
Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse. An incredible follow-up to a film I loved very much; I agree that the cliffhanger ending undercuts some of the story’s structure, but if you frame it as Gwen’s story — which I think it was in many ways — it’s a lot more satisfying, like a sophomore sojourn into another major character. On a technical and artistic level, it’s a remarkable achievement; the painterly visuals and use of color in Gwen’s universe were particular standouts.

Listening

All Hell, Los Campesinos! My record finally came in. It’s going to take time for me to form an opinion and weight it against their discography — I’ve got to let it sink — but as of right now, I really like it. “Clown Blood” is an early favorite.

Our friends brought their kayaks and Joe rented one. We would like to invest in our own, but most of our money this summer has gone to home repairs. Maybe next summer. ↩︎

smooth runs the water where the brook is deep

Thu, 08 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Write a blog post about words of wisdom your younger self would have appreciated hearing. (via blogprompts)¹

I’m trying out doing blog prompts in an effort to populate this blog with more than just weekly round-ups and to get more comfortable writing about personal things.²

I’m going to select two quotes — both song lyrics — that have resonated for me.

The first is from “Banshee Beat” by Animal Collective, which I first heard in my late teens (maybe 16?) and still consider one of my favorite songs.

clean as paper before the poem (week notes 003)

Sun, 04 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Doing

I was in school for a few days this week: one for a school improvement team meeting, where we made plans for the upcoming school year that have me really excited; another DEI committee meeting; and an English curriculum planning day. I also started moving some of the furniture in my classroom into place — I’m rearranging for next year.
I received a postcard in the mail from Veronique! I love this idea to take the small web to snail mail (and am generally a big fan of her blog).

Reading

what it’s like by kelsey. Less reading and more admiring: is this what the notebooks and brains of the creative and artistic are like? Others admire mine for its neatness and consistency, small, even printing repeated across page and page, the same thoughts over and over again, like photocopies. I love the color, the doodles, the spontaneity kelsey has, and this is what I love about bearblog: the glimpses into the minds of others.
Cultural Competence Now by Vernita Mayfield. Continued from a previous week; this week, I read the third chapter for my district’s DEI Committee.
The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros. I’m integrating this book into my curriculum for the next school year. It’s a beautiful, poetic, important text, and I’m so excited to read it with my kids. It’s heavy, and the unit I’ve planned around it is challenging, but I want to be more rigorous in my curriculum, and I think the kids will really connect with Esperanza.
“I wanted to be like my dad.” by Kyle (on Blueberry Lemonade). A thoughtful piece on how adulthood shifts our relationships with our parents. It’s interesting — I seem to have the inverse experience: moving out of my mom’s house, I think, brought us closer in many ways. But I still connect with Kyle’s thesis about how our views of parents evolve; perhaps the nature of parenthood is seeing your child grow beyond you.

Watching

A lot of Friends at the Table content on Twitch. Joe is a fan of their podcasts and the folks involved; I’m not into actual play podcasts or anime, so I don’t join in, but I like watching some of their streams. I’ve particularly enjoyed their Stardew Valley series.

Playing

Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood. I’m back on my bullshit after watching Austin Walker stream Final Fantasy XI. I’ve played on and off since release, but this week I finished Stormblood (which I’m tepid on) and am working my way toward Shadowbringers (which I’ve heard nothing but praise for). I conned Joe into playing with me too, so it’s been fun to see him go back through the early game quests. I have a lot of love in my heart for A Realm Reborn.

Listening

My Los Campesinos! All Hell record has yet to arrive in the mail, so not that (but it did ship this week and is meant to be delivered tomorrow).

Moving to a rack mount setup

Fri, 02 Aug 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I wrote a post a few months ago cataloguing moving my home server from the old NZXT case I had leftover from my old PC into a Rosewill chassis that would let me, eventually, move to a proper rack setup. This past Prime Day, I purchased a Riveco 15U rack and then some sliding rails to go along with it, with the hope of finally moving the loud and hot NAS into the basement where it belongs.

ask yourself is that going to bring you peace, though? (week notes 002)

Sun, 28 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I’m continuing to try out doing Week Notes instead of monthly wrap ups. So far, so good! As a callback to my livejournal days, I’m trying out using a random quote from something I’m enjoying this week as my title (most likely, and true to my livejournal heart, cryptic song lyrics).

Doing

My district is finally paying me to organize Safe Space trainings. This week, I got together with two other teachers to collaborate on plans, then delivered the training to a group of folks who we also prepared to do the training themselves. An immensely rewarding experience that felt like the culmination of four years of anger and despair and turned those feelings into something positive and productive.
Trying to get organized and get on a better schedule. I woke up on Friday at 2:14pm (!!!) and felt awful about it. I spent a lot of time that day organizing my calendar (digital on Todoist, and I keep a physical planner) and setting some goals for myself so I don’t spend the whole summer sleeping like a teenager.¹
I also want to cut down on my screen time for big social media apps (like Instagram and Facebook) — the ones that have no value other than to waste my time. I put a big ol’ screen time widget on the homescreen of my phone as a way to try to curtail the scrolling; I’m hoping that, when I unlock my phone, I’ll see that I’ve already spent a substantial amount of time on these apps and choose something else instead. I love to be online, but I’d rather spend that time on indie web spaces like bearblog, Mastodon (I need to find folks to follow! Please send me recs and/or your account, fellow bearbloggers — my email is in the footer), and 32bitcafe.
This is a very long-term goal, but I want to migrate my curriculum map from Notion to Obsidian. I’m increasingly trying to move to open source programs (to, hopefully, stave off enshittification). The Obsidian Projects plugin is helping to make this a reality, but I’m still looking for a good way to create a rollup of my tags that includes the full standard text and a heatmap of how frequently the tag is used. I played a bit with Hugo and Grav for this but found I was going web first in my approach when really I just wanted a content management system (which Obsidian is, in a way, albeit a private one).²
I moved my server into a rack setup and relocated it to my basement. I’ll probably put together a full post cataloguing that.

Reading

How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I’ve read many recommendations for this book and thought it might help me in the classroom. I started and finished the book in two days — it’s a quick but valuable read. Right now, all the ideas are theoretical, as I won’t get to try them out until September, but I love the approach. The authors put into explicit steps the feeling that I’ve always had: interactions with anyone, but especially children, need to be based on mutual respect, and adults cannot expect children to control their emotions if they are not willing to do the same. I’d love to make this a book study among co-workers.
Computer People by Lou Plummer. A thoughtful piece about the evolution and entry of tech into our lives, particularly in education. Unfortunately I don’t share Lou’s rosy outlook: I still have lots of coworkers who don’t regard themselves as “computer people” and resist any new technology (and call me for help when something is unplugged).

Watching

Gilmore Girls, continued from last week (season four)
Easy A (2010). I never saw this when it came out but always read positive talk about it. It was awful; few laughs and all the character’s motivations and actions were puzzling. It seemed to exist only to sell the viewer on Emma Stone and to have her parade around in lingerie.

Playing

Stardew Valley, update 1.6. I’m playing a co-op save with Joe and my friend Nick. I love Stardew and am enjoying discovering some of the new changes and additions, but I’m struggling with the chaos of a shared farm — Joe in particular has some very different organizational priorities than me.

Listening

Youth Novels, Lykke Li. I listened to this album for the first time in 2012 (“Melodies & Desires” and “Little Bit” being the two I listened to with any regularity); it came up in a library shuffle and I realized I was listening to it in 160kbps. I replaced it with a higher quality rip and enjoyed hearing instruments and layers I didn’t know existed before. I’ve also a new appreciation for “Breaking It Up,” “Hanging High,” and “I’m Good, I’m Gone.”
I’d like to be listening to All Hell, Los Campesinos!, the latest release by my favorite band, but I preordered it on vinyl and it still hasn’t come in… I don’t know how much longer I’ll hold out.³
“Red Leather” by Future & Metro Boomin. I still don’t listen to much rap outside of Mac (a bit of Vince Staples, some Stormzy, some Princess Nokia), but I’d like to branch out. I heard this in the background of (probably) an Instagram Reel and dig it (I hate that this is how folks, myself included, are discovering music these days).

In my heart of hearts, I am a lazy fucker, and I don’t intend to change that. However, there’s a lot I want to do during my summer break, and I know I’ll be disappointed in myself if I waste away the whole summer being a lazy fucker. I want to allow myself time to relax, but balance is important. ↩︎

Week Notes 001

Sun, 21 Jul 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I tried out doing monthly media logs and found it difficult to stick to; it became daunting to log everything, and I put the unnecessary onus on myself to also write down detailed thoughts on everything. I’m going to try out shorter weekly notes instead. I want to have a record of and reflect on things that are important to me, so the effort matters, but perhaps this will be easier to maintain.¹ I’m hoping to use this space to share out blog posts and other web content that I’ve enjoyed, too.

breaking silences

Thu, 20 Jun 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Last time I updated this blog, I wrote about silences in my professional career. These past few weeks, I feel I am doing the work to break mine.

I am the faculty advisor for my middle school’s GSA. I have been for years now, and it’s something I’m very proud of, but this year especially I feel I have a great crop of kids that I’m really connecting with. At my town’s Pride festival in early June, my club had a booth selling crafts the kids had made to raise funds. The kids filtered in and out to help sell goods, but mostly I think they just valued having a “home base” at the event. For me, it was a long, socially draining day, but speaking to them afterward about the experience and hearing them tell me how at home they felt at the festival, how comfortable they felt being themselves, was so gratifying.

Your silence will not protect you

Sun, 14 Apr 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I’ve talked before on this blog about being a teacher and how passionate I am about my work; the time I spend with my students — which should be paramount and where all my energy goes — comes naturally. I often remark that I feel like I’m doing a stand-up comedy routine¹ while teaching because my goal is not only to instruct but to develop joy in learning, in reading, in writing.

Moving my home server to a new chassis

Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I have a home server (running Unraid) that I use to backup computers, as media storage, and to run various apps. It’s mostly been cobbled together from used parts I found for cheap, and it generally followed Serverbuild’s NAS Killer 4 guide. It runs like a dream, and putting it together is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. More recently, with streaming sites like Netflix, Hulu, etc. cracking down on password sharing, it has become my pathway to shedding some monthly subscriptions and owning my own media.

Thirteen to Know Me

Sun, 10 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000

@jamesmckz shared the following challenge on X earlier this month:

No cheating - your Quietus style Bakers Dozen. 13 albums (off the top of your head) to know you by. Not looking for a perfect list, looking for a list that you instantly regret posting because you then remember something else.

I approached my response largely as a list of albums that have meant something to me in my life — not necessarily what I’m actively listening to at the moment. Many of these albums I’ve not listened to much in years, but I consider them pivotal, essential listening for me.¹

Coming Out

Sun, 25 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I read a thread online recently about bisexuality: folks were discussing use of the label compared to something like pansexual. Many folks within the LGBTQ+ umbrella argue that pansexual is a more inclusive label than bisexual, as bi- upholds a binary view of gender.

My relationship with my bisexuality has been fraught. I can pinpoint in specificity where I feel it started: in the sixth grade (for me, 2005 or 2006), reading the sex ed chapter in my science textbook, I was presented with the three sexualities — heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. I had, by that point, already started puberty and experienced low-level attraction. I’d been confused that that attraction never seemed to have a distinct target: I liked boys and I liked girls. I remember an immediate sense of comfort and belonging in the term. That’s allowed?, I thought. Reading it in a textbook made it seem so simple. Then surely that’s the way to be.

Early thoughts on Pokémon Unbound

Fri, 23 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I downloaded Pokémon: Unbound the other day to play alongside my partner. We are both big Pokémon fans — like buy the new games every year fans — though my interest has waned over the last few years (I loved Legends Arceus and generally felt that Scarlet/Violet were slaps in the face¹). I have fond memories of the classic games, and I’ve read a lot of positive buzz about Unbound.

Media Log (January 2024)

Sun, 04 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

TV

One Tree Hill, season six and seven - I’ve been marathoning One Tree Hill on a friend’s recommendation. By this season, we are well passed the “good” seasons, but it’s still entertaining enough to watch — if only to count how many more car crashes the writers will introduce as plot lines. I think the early (1-4) seasons are a decent watch, but at this point, I’m really just seeing it through to the end. Season seven has a novelty in seeing how a show pivots after losing its main character. I don’t think OTH did so gracefully; they elevated some, generously, background characters into the main act and lumped on bunch of new ones at that. Some work better than others, but at least I’m almost at the end.
Kitchen Nightmares (2023) - Years ago, I once came home to find my partner watching Kitchen Nightmares on YouTube. He’s generally not a fan of reality or competition shows, so I asked him why he was watching it. He giggled and said, “He [Gordon] just gets so mad.” That led to me also watching a bunch of the show. This month I watched a gabi belle video in which she talked about the reboot, so I dipped in too. Gordon does indeed still get mad. When watching Kitchen Nightmares, I am always thinking of how much fun the show must be to edit. The editors make liberal use of the most unhinged sound effects imaginable. It’s junk food TV, and who doesn’t love junk food?
Schitt’s Creek - I’ve been casually rewatching as my background noise / take a nap on the couch TV. Still hilarious and as good as the first time.
The Bachelor - Two of my friends are big fans, so I’m watching the current season with them. I’ve never seen any Bachelor properties before this; I’m mostly along for the ride. The show has yet to hit the reality TV highs that keep me looped in to shows like America’s Next Top Model or Survivor, and the whole concept still feels quite skeezy to me.

Music

III, The Lumineers - I have liked some of The Lumineers’ hits for years, but a friend really loves them, so I thought I’d give III a shot. I understand it’s a concept album with stories and characters; I really haven’t delved into that. I’m unsure if that’s because I haven’t found it compelling or because I am trying to focus more on the sound rather than just the words (I’ve always been more for the latter). III sounds great; it reminds me of how much I love the piano. It’s the focal point of many songs on the album but also beautifully interspersed as a twinkly highlight or backdrop. Particular favorites are “Donna” and “My Cell.”

hate for the island

Sun, 07 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I was born and raised on Long Island in a hamlet that rests along the Great South Bay.¹ Known to most as a ferry town, this charming suburb lives and breathes the ocean. Most every resident has access to some kind of boat, whether through personal ownership or advantageous friendship. In the 90s, the town was voted the “friendliest town in America,” a slogan that still adorns the sign as you drive into town, by a mysterious group that awards such superlatives. That accolade, along with our yacht clubs, country clubs, lack of racial diversity, and generalized fear of anything outside the norm makes the town the near picture of 1950s suburban ideal.

my year in lists

Mon, 01 Jan 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I’m not a New Years Resolution person; listening to a lot of “My Year in Lists” by Los Campesinos! as a teen made me quite cynical about the whole thing.

However, I am a very goal-oriented, reflective person. In late 2022, after years of gaining weight and developing some really negative patterns of self-talk around my body image, I decided to join a gym. Of course I’d like to see the number on the scale go down, but the main goal was just to get healthier and develop healthier habits. I started running, because that’s what I used to do (not well), and eventually convinced a friend to join with me. Together, we set the goal of running a 5K, and we did our first in May of 2023, in about 41 minutes (in our defense, it was an extremely hilly course, but also progress, progress¹). We ran three more as the year went by; my most recent was November, where I finished in around 36 minutes.

Intentional Listening

Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000

A friend of mine is a big fan of Florence + the Machine. I confessed to only really knowing (but liking) her hits, “Dog Days” and “Cosmic Love.” I asked which album she would recommend I listen to; she said How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful (2015),¹ and I texted her about some of the songs on it. She asked if I was listening to the whole thing given the back to back messages; I said yes, and I started to consider how I like to consume music.

LITR 308 Emily Dickinson & Queer Theory

Thu, 28 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000

The lives of many literary greats remain a relative mystery; literary critics and historians are often left to piece together details from letters, documentation, and, sometimes controversially, the author’s work read for repeated motifs. They then draw what conclusions they can about the authors’ lives. One of the most prolific female poets in the English literary canon, Emily Dickinson’s life is preserved in letters and artifacts from her life. When examined as a body of work, Dickinson’s poetry reveals a pattern of focus on women’s interior lives and relationships that may be regarded as queer, especially with the added dimension of her close relationship with her sister-in-law. This essay examines a selection of her poems through a queer lens, highlighting the poems’ relationships to female love and Dickinson’s life and arguing against established patterns of erasing Dickinson’s queer identity.

LITR 250 Close Reading 2E

Tue, 19 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000

In the beginning of Chapter VIII in the third section of To the Lighthouse, pages 186-187, Virginia Woolf’s unique approach to perspective and introspection create a subjective presentation of reality and relationships, supported by extended metaphors of fluidity and stillness. On a boat trip mandated by Mr. Ramsay to the titular lighthouse, Cam and James anatomize and unfold their feelings towards their father. Cam evolves as the boat moves across the sea while James’s unflinching rage and violence towards the patriarch repeat in this section as the sailboat halts and space contracts to exacerbate his indignation. Woolf thus frames and explores the figure of Mr. Ramsay and the nominal motif of a journey through individual introspection and excurses. ¹

Media Log (August 2023)

Thu, 31 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Movies

Barbie - I was underwhelmed. There’s been lots of chatter, and I loved Lady Bird, but Barbie didn’t hit for me; too much Ken (to be the hundredth person to whine about it) and the ending felt unearned and thematically confused. This was more of an homage to Barbie as a product than it was an homage to womanhood, but it pretended to be the latter.

Games

Vampire Survivors - I originally played Vampire Survivors for my video game podcast, Pitch & Play (on hiatus but will come back!); my friend and co-host Ross recommended it to me. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I got into it given that I don’t really have nostalgia for this sort of game, but I played several hours of it and then became distracted by life. While moving this month, I was without internet for quite a while and had not hooked up my consoles (or my PC, still). To kill some time while my body recovered from lifting boxes and scrubbing surfaces, I downloaded Vampire Survivors onto my phone and went deep into it. It’s a fantastic game that I’ll come to associate with my early days in the house.

Books

Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech - I read this book originally as a child in the fifth grade. I remember loving it but little else. I have been looking for a text to add to my curriculum and wanted to try Walk Two Moons out. I enjoyed reading it and was surprised by how much of it came back to me even though I am (nearly) twenty years out from reading it the first time. I do think the Native American set dressing might be problematic given that the author is not, by any account I’ve read, actually Native; the plot is also predictable, but perhaps that is because I’m an adult reading a book written for children and because I’ve read it before. I’m not sure it’s the book I’m looking for, but it’s not a bad read.

On Teaching

Fri, 18 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000

This September marks the start of my fourth year teaching.

When I was a kid, I was always interested in teaching; my grandparents had an unfinished basement that, for some reason, had a little chalkboard and table. My siblings and I would play school down there, and I loved to play the role of teacher – despite being considerably younger than them.¹ I loved school, too. I loved most every subject (especially grammar – I’m one of the few children who absolutely rejoiced when asked to take out my grammar workbook) and was, at the risk of conceit, good at academics. I also read voraciously in elementary school.

Stages of Moving

Tue, 15 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Stage 1: Denial & Naivety

I don’t have that much stuff. I don’t think packing is going to be that hard this time. I’ve already boxed up my books – how much more could I need to do?

Stage 2: Coping / Bargaining

Okay, there is actually a lot to do, but it’s not so bad. I can just drop everything in the garage and focus on cleaning the apartment.

Old Woman Yells at the Cloud

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000

I recently listened to an episode of Never Been a Better Podcast in which Austin Walker, referencing a Twitter thread by @v21, posited that we are moving into a new era of the internet where content is generated by machines rather than people; where once the internet was used by people to access large bodies of information and to connect with other people, we now use it to connect with machines that regurgitate photocopies of photocopies of information.

Media Log (July 2023)

Sun, 30 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Part of my resolution to blog more is to start a media consumption log for the year where I record what I’m reading, watching, and listening to. I’m going to do it monthly; expect a finalized list on the last day of each month (possibly backdated).

Movies

The Fast and the Furious - a rewatch of a movie I watched way too much as a child and therefore have an unreasonable fondness and attachment towards. The dialogue in this movie is positively absurd (“I like the tuna here," “Welcome to Race Wars”), the homoerotic undertones bordering on overtones, and everyone in this movie (except Vince but including Jesse) is blisteringly hot. I was edified by the friend I had watched the film (not movie) with, who had never seen it, as she remarked at the end, “I get it now.” I could have done without the oil scene, however.
2 Fast 2 Furious – well, now it’s a marathon. 2 Fast 2 Furious has, historically and controversially, been both my favorite sequel naming schema and overall entry in the Fast saga. I love the first, but this movie embraces the stupidity and over-the-top action that would go on to define the series. It manages to succeed without Vin Diesel (or any of the “family,” except for Brian, though it introduces future members) and contains some iconic (to me) scenes (Ejecto seato and everything involving Suki). I smile constantly while watching this movie. I love it and I think it loves me back. Except for the rat scene. I could do without the rat scene.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift – I would like to say that I came to my second viewing of this movie with an open mind (I didn’t), hoping to understand the cultural revisionism of some Fast fans who claim that this is actually one of the best in the series (it isn’t). Somehow this movie makes drifting boring. Han is the only interesting character. There’s a character who everyone refers to as “DK” (short for “Drift King”) throughout the film and yet he is as bland and forgettable as the rest. Sean is the worst, and it is a miracle the series managed to rebound from this low. Tokyo Drift is the ugly step-cousin of the Fast series. At least the theme song slaps.
Fast & Furious – viewed right after Tokyo Drift to cleanse my palate and remind me what a good movie feels like. The opening scene immediately reminds one of the highs of the Fast saga, and while the rest of the movie is far from the best, it is miles ahead of Tokyo Drift, if only because it reunites the Fast family and sets the pieces in place for the highs of the series to come.
Fast Five – a truly thrilling movie start to finish and perhaps the best of the series. Everything about this movie is fun — no rat or oil scenes to be found. Instead, just action sequences that constantly raise the stakes and delight — and, of course, the reunion of the family (sans-Letty).
Fast & Furious 6 – a middling sequel to the high point of the Fast series and my last rewatch; from here on out, it is all new to me. This one is watchable and certainly ranks as one of the better Fast movies. It chases the ragtag quality that the family had in the last movie but doesn’t hit the same notes. The movie shines when it focuses on Dom and Letty’s relationship, and the bridge scene is one of the best stupid stunts in the series.
Furious 7 – a mostly forgettable setup and plot offset by some truly ridiculous moments that make the film, overall, enjoyable. This was a classy send-off for Paul Walker that I’m sure was emotional in the moment but is today soured by him being kind of a creep. I wish to wed the individual who came up with the Rock breaking his cast off and entering the action, the skyscraper scene, Dom running over Shaw’s car, and, most of all, the rwrench fight. I say individual because I like to believe there is a single person responsible for this lunacy.

TV

Andor, season one – interesting in broad strokes, but I found it deeply problematic on an episode-to-episode basis. This felt like a movie trilogy that decided to be a television show, and it does not work as either. It may not be fair for me to levy my frustrations with cinematic universes against Andor (Fast obsession notwithstanding), but I spent much of my time with the show questioning its necessity (even as a Star Wars lover and a particular fan of Rogue One). Much of Andor felt like it was undercutting Rogue One and Jyn’s significance to the Alliance. Andor has compelling ideas and is competently shot and acted, with occasionally strong moments every few episodes, but it ultimately didn’t win me over. I will give a second season a try, but Andor disappointed me, especially given the high expectations others’ reactions gave me.

Music

22, a Million, Bon Iver – I do not have much experience with Bon Iver outside of “Skinny Love” (which is fine), but I vaguely recall my sister playing me a song, “10 d E A T h b R E a s T ⚄ ⚄”, from_ 22, a Million_ around when it came out. Sparked by a recent conversation with her and stumbling across an article that I now cannot find about some of the controversy around the album’s release, I’ve been listening to it a fair amount. It’s an abstract, exciting album; none of the songs particularly stand out to me as Playlist Material, but that is perhaps the intention of the album: it is to be listened to in sittings, full through, not in the vacuum we have become accustomed to of random shuffles and algorithmic picks. I admire any artist that experiments with their releases and does not rest on the laurels of their hits, so initial impressions are strong, but I get the sense that this is an album that begs for the listener to reflect and decode.
Never Hungover Again, Joyce Manor – discovered through a Front Bottoms shuffle with “Heart Tattoo,” which is a highlight of the album for me. Never Hungover Again is a breezy listen: ten tracks, most falling between one and two minutes. I found the first five tracks mostly discardable, but the second half was much stronger with the aforementioned “Heart Tattoo,” “In the Army Now,” and “Catalina Fight Song.” Emo revival works best for me in The Front Bottoms style: catchy riffs and earnest lyrics that read like teenage LiveJournal entries.

Games

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom - I played a metric ton of Breath of the Wild and emerged with feelings ranging from ambivalent to frustrated. There was so much I loved about it and so much that just never came together (or actively frustrated me). Tears of the Kingdom, however, has brought me nothing but joy; it corrects every complaint I had with Breath of the Wild and improves upon it wholesale. I’m far from done with the game – I think I will be playing it for some time – but so far, it is remarkable.
Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza - played with friends but I had the eerie suspicion I’ve played it before but cannot place it. Fine in a group but mostly forgettable. I wouldn’t seek it out again.
Carcassonne - my love, my liege. Carcassonne is a bastion in our household. I love it every time I play, except when I lose, which is often.
The Busy Bistro, Magic Puzzle Company - a friend spotted this on Tik Tok and invited me over to work on it with her. Reader, I was there until three in the morning. A fantastic puzzle with charming art, done in good company.

What's This?

Wed, 26 Jul 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Well, I have another blog.

Welcome to cassie.land, the latest (as of writing this) web project that I’ve started and may promptly abandon.

Here’s the truth: These past few months have shown me the impermanence of online platforms. I have quit reddit with the third-party API shutdowns, and while I am probably better off for it, it does feel like losing one of the bastions of the internet I once knew. I regret to inform that I am officially an old person on the internet; I yearn for the days of hyper-specific Geocities pages with incredibly useful information written by a thirteen year old screaming into the void (and for the days where our search engines actually directed us to that information rather than some circuitous tripe written by AI that packs in every SEO keyword without actually saying anything).

Mon, 01 Jan 0001 00:00:00 +0000

hi, my name is cassie.

I’m an English teacher from New York. This is the home of the esoteric bullshit that I am incomprehensibly fixated on, which includes books, video games, music, and thinking way too much about everything.

this site is currently built using hugo. I edit my posts in Obsidian (with the help of GitSync on mobile) and sync them to a repo on 32bitcafe. I use Cloudflare Pages to build and serve the site. The current theme is heavily inspired by Joyce Manor’s Never Hungover Again, a very good album that everyone should listen to.