initial commit of current blog
This commit is contained in:
zepp
commit
07e857849e
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configuration/configuration.txt
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150
configuration/configuration.txt
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// Weblog Configuration
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;; About your weblog
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;; -----------------
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Weblog title: walk with me for a moment
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Weblog description: a collection of personal entries compiled from the life of emma
|
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Author: emma
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||||
// Canonical domain: blog.emmas.place
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// Landing page: /
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Landing page template: Landing Page Template
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
;; General config stuff
|
||||
;; --------------------
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||||
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Separator: ·
|
||||
Navigation: [home](https://blog.emmas.place/), [posts](https://blog.emmas.place/posts), [about](https://blog.emmas.place/about)
|
||||
Files path: /files/
|
||||
Landing page post count: 1
|
||||
// Landing page post length: 45 words
|
||||
Post template: Post Template
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
;; Pagination
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||||
;; ----------
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||||
|
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Pagination path: /page/
|
||||
Previous page template: <span class="previous-page"><a href="$previous_page">← Previous Page</a></span>
|
||||
Next page template: <span class="next-page"><a href="$next_page">Next Page →</a></span>
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
;; Time stuff
|
||||
;; ----------
|
||||
|
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; You can use a timezone value from the "TZ database name" column on this
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; web page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_tz_database_time_zones
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|
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Timezone: America/New_York
|
||||
Date format: F j, Y g:i A
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|
||||
|
||||
;; Feeds
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||||
;; -----
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||||
|
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Feed post count: 10
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// Feed post appendix: <p><em>Published with weblog.lol!</em></p>
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|
||||
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;; Posts
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;; -----
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|
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Post path format: /Y/m/
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Default post: <<[---
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Date: $date
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---
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|
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# Your new post
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|
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This is a new blog post. You can author it in _Markdown_, which is **awesome**.
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]>>
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Titleless title length: 15 words
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// Truncation appendix: […]
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// Title format: <h1><a href="$permalink">$title</a></h1>
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|
||||
Multiple posts count: 10
|
||||
Multiple posts format: <<[
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[post:begin]
|
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<article>
|
||||
{body}
|
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<aside class="post-info">
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<i class="fa-solid fa-clock"></i> {date}
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</aside>
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<aside class="post-tags">
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{tags}
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</aside>
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</article>
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[post:end]
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]>>
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;; Recent posts {recent-posts}
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;; ---------------------------
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Recent posts count: 5
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Recent posts format: <<[
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<ul>
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[post:begin]<li><a href="$location">$title</a></li>[post:end]
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</ul>]>>
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;; Post list {post-list}
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;; ---------------------
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|
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Post list format: <<[
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<ul>
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[post:begin]<li><a href="$location">$title</a></li>[post:end]
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</ul>]>>
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||||
|
||||
|
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;; Page list {page-list}
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||||
;; ---------------------
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||||
|
||||
Page list format: <<[
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<ul>
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[page:begin]<li><a href="$location">$title</a></li>[page:end]
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||||
</ul>]>>
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|
||||
|
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;; Search
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||||
;; ------
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||||
|
||||
Search status: enabled
|
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Search template: Page Template
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Search results success message: There [is|are] $count [result|results] for your search:
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Search results failure message: There were no results found for your search.
|
||||
Search results format: <<[
|
||||
<h2>Results for “$search”</h2>
|
||||
<p>$search_results_message</p>
|
||||
[post:begin]<h3><a href="$location">$title</a></h3>
|
||||
<p>$date</p>
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<p>$snippet</p>[post:end]
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]>>
|
||||
|
||||
|
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;; Tags {tags}
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||||
;; -----------
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||||
|
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Tag path: /tag/
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||||
// Tag page template: Tag Template
|
||||
Tags format: <<[
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||||
[tag:begin]<a class="tag" href="$tag_location">$tag</a>[tag:end]
|
||||
]>>
|
||||
Tag page format: <<[
|
||||
<h2>Posts tagged with “$tag”</h2>
|
||||
<ul>
|
||||
[tag:begin]<li><a href="$location">$title</a></li>[tag:end]
|
||||
</ul>
|
||||
]>>
|
||||
|
||||
Tag listing path: /tags
|
||||
// Tag listing template: Tag Listing Template
|
||||
// Note: tag listing order can be "alphabetical", "ascending", or "descending" where alphabetical sorts by the tag name and ascending/descending sorts by the count of entries with that tag
|
||||
Tag listing order: alphabetical
|
||||
Tag listing format: <<[
|
||||
<h2>Tags</h2>
|
||||
<ul>
|
||||
[tag:begin]<li><a href="$location">$tag</a> ($count)</li>[tag:end]
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</ul>
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]>>
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216
configuration/template.html
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configuration/template.html
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<!DOCTYPE html>
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<!-- proven.lol/f5bf3a -->
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<html lang="en">
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<head>
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<title>{weblog-title}{separator}{post-title}</title>
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<meta charset="utf-8">
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<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1">
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{feeds}
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<style>
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@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/font-honey.css');
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@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/font-lato-regular.css');
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@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/font-lato-bold.css');
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@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/font-lato-italic.css');
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@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/font-md-io.css');
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@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/fontawesome-free/css/all.css');
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:root {
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--foreground: #212529;
|
||||
--background: #ffcccc;
|
||||
--article-background-color: #ffe9e3;
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--link-color: #4B0082;
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--link-hover: #FF1493;
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--accent: #868e96;
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--border-color: #DB7093;
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||||
--font-size: 1rem;
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||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
@media (prefers-color-scheme: dark) {
|
||||
:root {
|
||||
--foreground: #f1dac4;
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||||
--background: #011627;
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||||
--article-background-color: #2f184b;
|
||||
--link-color: #4cc9f0;
|
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--link-hover: #f72585;
|
||||
--accent: #868e96;
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||||
--border-color: #003566;
|
||||
}
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||||
}
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* {
|
||||
box-sizing: border-box;
|
||||
}
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||||
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html {
|
||||
font-size: 16px;
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||||
}
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||||
|
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body {
|
||||
font-family: 'Lato', sans-serif;
|
||||
font-size: var(--font-size);
|
||||
color: var(--foreground);
|
||||
background: var(--background);
|
||||
letter-spacing: 0.125rem;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
header nav ul {
|
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list-style-type: none;
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margin: 0;
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padding: 0;
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||||
}
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||||
|
||||
header nav li {
|
||||
display: inline-block;
|
||||
}
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||||
|
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header nav li a {
|
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display: block;
|
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text-decoration: none;
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margin-right: 1em;
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}
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h1, h2, h3, h4, h5, h6 {
|
||||
font-family: 'VC Honey Deck', serif;
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margin: 1rem 0;
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}
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p, li {
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line-height: 1.25rem;
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||||
}
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||||
|
||||
header, main, footer {
|
||||
max-width: 60em;
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margin: 2em auto;
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padding: 0 1em;
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}
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|
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header {
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margin-top: 4em;
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}
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footer p {
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margin-top: 5em;
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||||
font-size: var(--font-size);
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text-align: center;
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}
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a:link { color: var(--link-color); }
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a:visited { color: var(--link-color); }
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a:hover { color: var(--link-hover); }
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a:active { color: var(--link-color); }
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.post-info, .post-tags {
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font-size: var(--font-size);
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color: var(--accent);
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text-align: right;
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||||
}
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||||
|
||||
.post-info i:nth-child(2) {
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margin-left: .75em;
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}
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.tag {
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background: var(--accent);
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color: var(--background) !important;
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padding: .3em .4em;
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||||
margin: .8em 0 0 .4em;
|
||||
border-radius: .5em;
|
||||
text-decoration: none;
|
||||
display: inline-block;
|
||||
}
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||||
|
||||
hr {
|
||||
border: 0;
|
||||
height: 1px;
|
||||
background: #333;
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||||
margin: 2em 0;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
code {
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||||
padding: .2em .3em;
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||||
border: 1px solid var(--accent);
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||||
white-space: pre-wrap;
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||||
word-wrap: break-word;
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||||
}
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||||
|
||||
pre, code {
|
||||
font-family: 'MD IO 0.4';
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font-size: var(--font-size);
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}
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||||
|
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pre code {
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||||
background: #000;
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||||
color: #eee;
|
||||
display: inline-block;
|
||||
padding: 1em;
|
||||
white-space: pre-wrap;
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word-wrap: break-word;
|
||||
}
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||||
|
||||
img {
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||||
max-width: 100%;
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||||
}
|
||||
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||||
table {
|
||||
border-collapse: collapse;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
td, th {
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padding: .75em;
|
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text-align: left;
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||||
border: 1px solid var(--accent);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.weblog-title a {
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text-decoration: none;
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color: var(--foreground);
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||||
}
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||||
|
||||
article {
|
||||
background-color: var(--article-background-color);
|
||||
padding: 1em;
|
||||
border-radius: 10px;
|
||||
border: 2px solid var(--border-color);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.fa-solid.fa-heart {
|
||||
color: #c81d25;
|
||||
}
|
||||
</style>
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||||
</head>
|
||||
<body>
|
||||
|
||||
<header>
|
||||
<h1 class="weblog-title"><a href="{base-path}">{weblog-title}</a></h1>
|
||||
{navigation}
|
||||
</header>
|
||||
|
||||
<main>
|
||||
|
||||
<article>
|
||||
{body}
|
||||
<aside class="post-info">
|
||||
<i class="fa-solid fa-clock"></i> {date}
|
||||
</aside>
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||||
<aside class="post-tags">
|
||||
{tags}
|
||||
</aside>
|
||||
</article>
|
||||
|
||||
<hr>
|
||||
|
||||
<h2>Recent posts</h2>
|
||||
|
||||
{recent-posts}
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||||
|
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</main>
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||||
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<footer>
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||||
<p>
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written with <i class="fa-solid fa-heart"></i> by
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<a href="https://emma.omg.lol">emma</a>
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||||
</p>
|
||||
</footer>
|
||||
|
||||
</body>
|
||||
</html>
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25
weblog/a-celebration-of-sorts.md
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weblog/a-celebration-of-sorts.md
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---
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||||
Date: 2024-11-01 09:27
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---
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||||
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# A celebration of sorts
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||||
|
||||
The past few weeks have had their ups and downs. With the grey months coming in I've felt my mood become a little less happy overall. A few days I found it hard to really be motivated to do much. But I have to look back at these last few weeks and pat myself on the back a bit, because there are quite a few wins sprinkled in there that I must acknowledge to myself.
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||||
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### Getting out and seeing the world
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||||
|
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For the first time probably since 2021, I went to a physical grocery store to shop. I know this may seem odd, but you have to understand currently I cannot go to the pharmacy for longer than 20 minutes without feeling like I will have a panic attack (I once had a panic attack at the pharmacy waiting for medication related to preventing panic attacks). So this is quite an accomplishment for me. To feel confident enough to go around and pick out items without fear or worry or my chest tightening up was huge. I spent about 30 minutes at the store getting everything I need and was quite proud of myself for doing so. I'm hoping that doing this allows me to go to the pharmacy when necessary with more confidence and allow me to avoid the feeling of fear that has been so present.
|
||||
|
||||
### Checklists are okay actually
|
||||
|
||||
For the first time in my life I used a checklist to keep track of tasks. Lists and I never really got along. I find them particularly overwhelming and have done everything I can to avoid them. I once wouldn't perform a task at a job because it involved a long list of phone numbers to call. I had no problem with the calling, it was that the numbers were on a list. I don't think that person had ever had work handed back to them like that, I guess refusing to do something was a first for me too. I certainly realized lists and I weren't going to get along. But recently I've been seeking treatment for ADHD, and one of the things I've noticed is that I don't look at lists with as much disdain. I do find them helpful, as long as I take care to craft them in a helpful way. A list can only have so many items on it. In the case of a task list that breaks items up per day, I must be careful to distribute items equally throughout the week or I will overwhelm myself and not get anything done on the busy day with too many tasks. Still, this is progress. I used a task list successfully for the past two weeks to keep track of things I needed to do. It has worked very well!
|
||||
|
||||
### Webweaver, certified
|
||||
|
||||
Last but not least is a huge accomplishment for me. I successfully completed the freeCodeCamp [Responsive Web Design](https://www.freecodecamp.org/learn/2022/responsive-web-design/) course and got my certificate. Now, this certificate is really just that I completed the course and passed all tests for the 5 projects. But what it really is to me is validation that I can stick with something and learn it while following a course to completion. This is the first online course I've ever completed. I have too many half finished or barely completed online courses in my life, and again I think I have to credit this one to seeking treatment for ADHD. I work much more consistently now rather than getting over excited about something new and burning the wick at both ends until nothing is left and I give up. This is a good start, and I'm looking forward to learning more, finally with a combination of excitement and an understanding to take things slow and steady.
|
||||
|
||||
### Celebrate yourself too!
|
||||
|
||||
These may seem like small items, or maybe like me, you never dreamed you could do these things. But I think every day all of us accomplish a few things we should be proud of. If you are in a situation where you need to celebrate getting out of bed each day, do it, I mean it. You are saying you will keep pushing forward and helping yourself, that's an excellent attitude. Keep trying, keep getting help where you can, keep celebrating any success big or small. You're worth it.
|
||||
|
||||
Later Gator
|
||||
15
weblog/a-phonecall.md
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15
weblog/a-phonecall.md
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|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-12-23 23:04
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# a phonecall
|
||||
|
||||
i had awaken from an early morning nap today. i heard my mom on the phone, it sounded like someone from our family. i didn't think much of it. there's usually not much to think of, they keep in touch with my mom but never seem interested in knowing about me or what i'm up to. i went about my usual routine of making a 2nd pot of coffee. my mom asks me if i want to talk to my cousin. i was surprised. i think it has been over 10 years since i've talked to this cousin
|
||||
|
||||
the phonecall started how phonecalls usually go with me when i barely know someone. i don't really elaborate, one word answers, no sign of interest or disinterest. they brought up my cat that they remembered, and i couldn't help but talk about the creature i love. so i gushed about baxter and they told me they had two cats. they asked me about my year, and the conversation about baxter has disarmed me i think, i was honest. i told them i was diagnosed with adhd this year and they told me they had also been diagnosed with adhd in their 30s. this was something that i wasn't expecting. we both related with how it made so much sense, we both knew why as children we weren't diagnosed. i felt seen by the last person i would expect, a family member
|
||||
|
||||
we talked more about how my mental health wasn't great. they were affirming, and supportive of me seeking help and getting better. sharing their own stories about getting help with their mental health. what was going on here? why is my family nice to me now? no one ever wanted to talk to me before and it feels like this past 10 years i've been talking to my cousin constantly because we're having such an honest heartfelt conversation
|
||||
|
||||
for now my mom is the only one that knows i'm a woman, and this was our first phonecall in 10 years so i felt it better to see how this goes. is this genuine interest from my family to want to know me now? when my mom got off the phone she told me that 3 of my cousins very much love me and want to get to know me better. i told her i didn't know what to do with the emotion i felt when she said that. i never expected to hear that in my life. it was nice, to feel cared for by someone other than my mom for once. that there was genuine interest in wanting to know me and it was people i had always wanted to know better too
|
||||
|
||||
this was the last thing i expected today, and it is currently 1 pm. it is certainly nice to know some of my family wants to know me, and will hopefully want to know the real me with time as well too
|
||||
19
weblog/about-this-blog.md
Normal file
19
weblog/about-this-blog.md
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|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-01-22 19:25
|
||||
Type: Page
|
||||
Location: /about
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# about this blog
|
||||
|
||||
this blog is written by me, emma. i am an early 30s trans woman and enjoy blogging for a few reasons:
|
||||
|
||||
- blogging helps me navigate my thoughts
|
||||
- writing is the easiest way to communicate my feelings and thoughts for me
|
||||
- i'd like to have an archive of my life over time to visit and note progress and changes
|
||||
|
||||
this blog also has another very important purpose for me. i think all of us have unique experiences in our life that are just for us. but i think many of us at some point, or even just a few of us, will walk a similar path in some parts of life. when this happens, we may look for guidance, or simply want to know we are not alone in that journey
|
||||
|
||||
so the posts on this blog are also very much for you, whatever journey you've found me on that you are on as well. i want you to know you aren't alone. i want you to know i'm here too, i'm getting through this, and you will too
|
||||
|
||||
if there's anything you'd like to get in touch with me about, my email is emma@emmas.place
|
||||
27
weblog/bird-watching-isnt-just-for-cats.md
Normal file
27
weblog/bird-watching-isnt-just-for-cats.md
Normal file
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|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-10-06 08:15
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# Bird watching isn't just for cats
|
||||
|
||||
Over the past two years I've found myself very interested in bird watching, also called birding. It started sort of by accident I would say. In an effort to spruce up the backyard, a bird feeder was introduced to attract some of the local birds. What I didn't realize was just how much I'd learn about the birds in the region, and how much this new hobby would grow on me.
|
||||
|
||||
### First impressions
|
||||
|
||||
I would have to say that from the beginning when the first birds started showing up, I was hooked. There were common birds such as various sparrows like the [Chipping Sparrow - eBird](https://ebird.org/species/chispa) and the [Northern Cardinal - eBird](https://ebird.org/species/norcar) which though shows up frequently is a favorite of mine. Cardinals are a real treat on a grey winter day, with their vibrant red feathers offering a nice change of scenery. Occasionally, a [Blue Jay - eBird](https://ebird.org/species/blujay) would make an appearance. Though they often avoided the feeder, and stuck to food that had fallen on the ground.
|
||||
|
||||
### Rare birds really do brighten up your day
|
||||
|
||||
As I gained more knowledge in birding, the types of birds I started to attract changed as well. Two that I'm most proud of are having attracted a [Baltimore Oriole - eBird](https://ebird.org/species/balori) who in particular loved a flower that was planted in the yard and could care less about the feeders. Another great sight that is very common but took some knowledge to bring to a feeder was the [American Goldfinch - eBird](https://ebird.org/species/amegfi). These in particular were tough as they prefer a type of food called thistle. Once this type of food was made available, a few families of Goldfinches regularly stopped by my yard.
|
||||
|
||||
### Someone always has to ruin the fun
|
||||
|
||||
This year I had a bit of what I'd call a bully enter the feeding area. The [Common Grackle - eBird](https://ebird.org/species/comgra) turned out to be quite the troublemaker at the feeders. They often arrived in large groups, up to 20 birds at a time, and would work together to push all the other birds away to have the feeders to themselves. What I ended up doing was taking down the feeders for about two weeks to give them the impression food was no longer available in my yard. They slowly moved on and stayed away for the rest of the season, most likely they had found another reliable food source.
|
||||
|
||||
### Items you may want if you are interested in birding
|
||||
|
||||
Throughout this post I've linked a site called [eBird](https://ebird.org/home). This site is helpful as it has high resolution photos and bird calls, as well as region maps. If you are more of a paper in your hands type of person, you may want to see if there is a field guide available for your region or state for birds. These are very convenient when watching birds, and are often broken into bird colors for easy lookup. They'll usually have helpful information such as what type of seed a bird may be most interested in, which can help ensure repeated visits if you find yourself particularly interested in that bird. You may also find items like binoculars handy if you would like a close up view of the birds you are observing. Many wild birds are timid of humans, so keeping your distance and still getting a good view is the best way to approach this hobby. If you find yourself to be interested in photography, you'll most likely benefit from a digital camera with a good optical zoom. This means the lens itself is doing the zooming, and the camera isn't digitally zooming. This will help you maintain a good picture but still keep your distance to keep birds still. That said I'd still recommend a camera that can take multiple photos. Birds jump and flap their wings, so a burst of photos may be the best approach if trying to get a few pictures.
|
||||
|
||||
I hope you may find an interest in birding after reading this post. You may be surprised by what is in your area. Being more connected with nature, even if just observing birds in your backyard, can be a good way to get away from the busyness of life too. A summer day spent in the backyard watching birds never hurt anyone I'd think!
|
||||
|
||||
Later gator
|
||||
9
weblog/blog-posts.md
Normal file
9
weblog/blog-posts.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,9 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-01-23 21:27
|
||||
Type: Page
|
||||
Location: /posts
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# all blog posts
|
||||
|
||||
{post-list}
|
||||
44
weblog/blog-questions-2025.md
Normal file
44
weblog/blog-questions-2025.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,44 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-02-12 18:21
|
||||
Location: /blog-questions-2025
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# blog questions challenge 2025
|
||||
|
||||
[xandra](https://library.xandra.cc) recently participated in the [blog questions challenge](https://blog.avas.space/bear-blog-challenge/) by [ava](https://blog.avas.space/). xandra tagged me asking if i could participate as well. i have not done one of these meta posts, but having talked a lot about my blog in places that are not my blog, i thought this one would be nice to participate in. thank you xandra!
|
||||
|
||||
i wont be tagging any one to participate. i kind of hate signing people up for things (though it is always up to you even if you are asked to participate). but the links i've provided, both of xandra's post and ava's questions linked above this paragraph should be enough to help you make a post for your blog if you'd like!
|
||||
|
||||
### why did you start blogging in the first place
|
||||
|
||||
i knew for awhile i had a lot of things i wanted to say. i was a member of the [32-Bit Cafe](https://32bit.cafe) for awhile, and they always encouraged blog posting when we had a topic on our mind that might be more on the personal side of things. i liked the idea of casting personal thoughts onto a webpage.
|
||||
|
||||
one thing i realized rather quickly was even though i was writing about things personal to me, there may be other people on this planet who have lived a similar enough experience to take value from my posts. at the very least they see someone who is saying "i'm trying. i am doing my best all things considered. i will keep trying"
|
||||
|
||||
### what platform are you using to manage your blog and why did you choose it
|
||||
|
||||
i use [weblog.lol](https://weblog.lol) for blogging. it is apart of the [omg.lol](https://omg.lol) service. i was already using omg.lol for quite some time for other services. i eventually found my way to their members' discord. what i realized was much like the 32-Bit Cafe, i found myself surrounded by good people. The person running omg.lol, Adam, also seemed like a wonderful person at heart. He seemed to care about people deeply that had not walked the same path in life he did, or people that were different all together from him. So i felt i could make a conscious effort to use more of a service that seemed to be made up of and led by good people
|
||||
|
||||
### have you blogged on other platforms before
|
||||
|
||||
my previous blog was hosted on [chyrp lite](https://github.com/xenocrat/chyrp-lite) which i ran on my hosting account. chyrp is quite nice and is very lightweight if you are looking for a CMS style blog with a built in editor. i had tweaked the colors of one of the default themes a bit. long term i was planning on learning twig templating to make my own theme, but decided to move over to weblog.lol before i had done that
|
||||
|
||||
### how do you write your posts?
|
||||
|
||||
i write my posts in markdown in visual studio code. i then add and commit them to my git repository for my blog. upon pushing the changes to my github account, a build action adds the post to my blog. weblog.lol has a built in editor if this isn't your type of thing. but sometimes i'm in the mood to mess around with the terminal a little bit and this workflow works well for me at the moment
|
||||
|
||||
### when do you feel most inspired to write
|
||||
|
||||
i actually got a pretty good insight into this when importing my posts from chyrp lite to weblog.lol. i write quite frequently in the late evening early AM hours. in between that there are some early morning and evening posts sprinkled in. overall i'd say i write mostly when i have something to write, and time isn't the biggest factor in this occurring
|
||||
|
||||
### do you publish immediately after writing, or do you let it simmer a bit as a draft
|
||||
|
||||
i described my writing process for my blog once as "i sit down at the keyboard and blast what my heart feels into the keys" i've stuck to this since starting my blog. i tend to keep blemishes and typos in if they don't completely break the context or the point i'm trying to make. though it would be worth keeping in mind that a typo that makes sense to me, may not make sense to someone else. so i do plan to go through my posts and clean up some typos at some point
|
||||
|
||||
### what's your favorite post on your blog
|
||||
|
||||
this is a tough one honestly. there are some pretty big moments on this blog for me. but i think one of my favorites is actually a rather recent one. [what making websites means to me](https://blog.emmas.place/website-making) - this post means a lot to me because i think it was a story worth being told. i am quite used to seeing people leaving social media for the personal web, and i'll applaud every one of them for doing so. but that quite simply wasn't my reason. i also cover an important reason i couldn't have a homepage right away, due to it being a core part of self expression in terms of the personal web for me
|
||||
|
||||
### any future plans for your blog? maybe a redesign, move to another platform, or adding a new feature?
|
||||
|
||||
i don't have anything planned at the moment. i'm solidly in my pink era so i think the current theme of my blog is here to stay for a bit. likewise i love the night mode i worked on for it, as the colors represent colors i like seeing during late evening and night time in a city. i'd probably like to explore more of what weblog.lol has to offer in terms setting up different types of pages. i really enjoyed adding an about page to my blog. while i could've done this on chyrp lite, i never did. i think there are probably people who may never see my homepage but might stumble upon my blog, so having an about with a little bit of context about me is a nice addition i think
|
||||
29
weblog/doing-okay.md
Normal file
29
weblog/doing-okay.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,29 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-02-07 23:53
|
||||
Location: /doing-okay
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# what i've been up to
|
||||
|
||||
these past couple of weeks have been interesting for me. overall things are good right now. i am still navigating my mental health. there is much to learn about what being a woman means to me. but i feel good saying that things are okay right now. they aren't great, but i'm not hopeless, or lost. let me catch you up
|
||||
|
||||
### letting go, genuinely this time
|
||||
|
||||
after my last therapy appointment. i had been confronted with my past yet again. that no one had ever stood up for me and spoke out when i couldn't. that maybe the way i was trying to work and live my life wasn't made for people like me. i was confronted with unhappiness regarding my previous relationship. a recurring thought being that i wish the years 2019-2024 didn't exist in my head.
|
||||
|
||||
quite simply, it was time to let these things go now. in an odd way, music once again proved to me how healing it was. i had gone through a binge of the shoegaze band Ride, and listened to a few of their albums on youtube. i have not listened to this music since before my relationship. i deeply remembered what it was like to love myself and be confident in myself. i felt those feelings again. to know those feelings again means they are not gone. they will come back
|
||||
|
||||
### motivation, out of stock
|
||||
|
||||
my motivation has been in short supply. i've been heavily focused on self-care the past few weeks but i'm finding i'm not wanting to work on things i enjoy, like my website projects. i'm not sure how to solve this yet. i try to chip away at a project a little each day. if i can make 2 or 3 git commits on something each day, that seems to be good enough right now. so i think i'll keep going about it this way until i'm in a better place. i think it is fair to say i'm still depressed, and motivation is often hard to find in this state
|
||||
|
||||
### just for me
|
||||
|
||||
speaking of self-care. despite being depressed and low on motivation. i've been putting a big effort into looking after myself. i started a journal, a special place that is just for me. it is really a nice way to write things that are meant just for you. blogging has always meant a lot to me since i started. but i greatly enjoy having picked up journaling. it is s special place for me, that allows me to explore my thoughts and celebrate things that are just for me
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
### decaf emma
|
||||
|
||||
at the beginning of the week, i cut out all of my coffee intake. the amount of coffee i was drinking was simply unhealthy. the first few days were rough, and they played with my mental health as much as the caffeine habit i was trying to escape did. but having gotten through what i think is the worst of it. i have been gifted with a truly calm mind. my head is actually quiet sometimes, a gift i could never give back for coffee. i have started to know inner peace these past few days. it is odd to feel it in a time like this, but i think i know a version of it now. at least one i've been in search of for a long time
|
||||
|
||||
things will be very up and down, i have no doubt. but what i see here is me still trying, still persisting, saying i will not quit until i am better. i'm happy to see that in myself now
|
||||
38
weblog/expression-through-games.md
Normal file
38
weblog/expression-through-games.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,38 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-03-03 22:54
|
||||
Location: /lofi-beats-to-express-yourself-to
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# a game about productivity became much more than that
|
||||
|
||||
about a week or two ago i had picked up [Spirit City: Lofi Sessions](https://store.steampowered.com/app/2113850/Spirit_City_Lofi_Sessions/) on steam. it was on sale at the time and i was quite interested in seeing if this little productivity game could get me motivated in working on my website. i was quite burnt out at the time but was in the middle of migrating my website. i thought of it as listening to music and having an avatar in the game to cowork with. it worked very well! some nights i would work for several hours listening to the music in the game with the rain and fireplace ambient sounds added and would just work away
|
||||
|
||||
by having the game open, and completing certain tasks, you gain XP and spirit tickets. the spirit tickets can be used to customize your room and wardrobe. i had quite an interest in both of these. even in the beginning i saw this as an avenue for self expression. there were enough free items available that i was able to put together an outfit that i would love to have in real life. the option to play with hairstyles was quite nice too, as i'll be replacing my natural hair with a wig at some point, and want to see as many options as possible. since i'll most likely only have one wig for the time being i want it to be one i adore every day
|
||||
|
||||
this game became about much more than productivity for me. as i earned more spirit tickets, i took time to carefully decorate my room into an ideal happy place. several times i caught inspiration for what i'd like to do with my personal room and study area. here let me show you!
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
this is what you'll see when first logging in. a view of your entire room. i've placed a lot of care into making this a welcoming, comforting place. i love how the pink, blue, and white all mix together throughout the room. i love the little pink accent lights throughout the room. there are opportunities to place items like candles, plants, or a cup on a table. along with a lot of other exciting options like plushies too <3
|
||||
|
||||
let me show you my favorite study area in this game. the bay window. i personally don't have a bay window, but a girl can dream about having a view over the city like this to just study to her heart's content. i especially love the view at night. adding the ambient rain sound will add actual rain outside, which is quite a nice touch
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
### expression of myself through the wardrobe
|
||||
|
||||
the wardrobe function of this game is just as important to me. buying the clothes, and hair that i would very much like to have is not an option right now for me. so i'm quite hungry to express myself these ways. late last year i used [picrew](https://picrew.me/en/) to do this, and was quite happy. but here was an option to customize so much more. and i did, i found options that i was so happy with. i'm glad there are three preset options as they allow me to save looks i've fallen in love with. would you like to see them? sure thing!
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
this is one of the first wardrobes i really settled on. i've been toying with the idea of red hair for a wig for awhile, and while this probably isn't the most realistic way to get an idea of that, it was nice to explore. personally i'm in love with tops that expose my shoulders, and having those in the game meant i was going to be buying one (or a few xD). skirts and thigh highs are a fun mix i think personally. i couldn't resist the urge to go with the trans pride thigh highs for my first wardrobe, because why not?
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
i see this outfit as more relaxed yet still expressive. if the first outfit is more outgoing. this is more chill yet still enjoying the things about clothing i do. i played with some shorter hair here, as i bounce between a short or long hair style for my eventual wig style. the ideal option being having one of both. that will have to wait fo awhile though so it is nice to explore options
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
lastly, though this outfit takes a pretty big turn from my other two. it is no less of a favorite. i love the idea of feminine expression with short playful hair. so i took the opportunity to express that here. hopefully at some point in the future i'll have more than one wig because i think it is going to be a must for me. a simple black tee, contrasting with the purple glasses really does it for me here. it is cute, yet relaxed. jeans are something i wear all the time now, and i find them quite relaxing. finally for some fun, how about some bi-pride socks?
|
||||
|
||||
i'm honestly not great at reviewing things. this isn't meant to be a review of how good a productivity game Spirit City is. about how it has a lot or not enough options for customization. i haven't touched on the creature collecting mechanic either. this isn't meant to be a review though. it is meant to share with you some happiness in a game i didn't expect to find it in. i thought i'd just be enjoying being productive to some lofi beats. but the game became so much more than that, and i'm really glad i picked it up for that reason
|
||||
13
weblog/handle-with-care.md
Normal file
13
weblog/handle-with-care.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,13 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-12-09 20:48
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# handle with care
|
||||
|
||||
emotions have always been tough for me. i was one who was never good at expressing the things i was feeling. emotions are scary for me sometimes too. they are quite overwhelming, and can lead to panic attacks. therapy in the past has helped me get better at expressing how i am feeling. in this depressive state i've found myself in. emotions are hard again. my mind feels like an abandoned minefield, and i must slowly work my way through and carefully defuse everything. the smallest moments, inconsequential in any way, bombard my head with thoughts of it being my fault, of being a burden, of being unhelpful
|
||||
|
||||
there's a want to turn the emotion faucet off sometimes, to just be numb to it all. but deep down inside i know that is not how i get better. pushing this all down deep inside me doesn't fix anything. if i have to ugly cry every so often, that's called grieving honey, it is part of being human and going through tough experiences. but i worry sometimes, my emotions in such a fragile state include emotions like frustration, anger. small conversations between my mom and i lead to emotional breakdowns on my part, and confusion and worry on her's. this isn't fair to her, but i don't know what else to do for now beside keep going to therapy. i have an appointment next week with the psychiatrist, and i'm hoping there is possibly a medication adjustment we can make. the feeling i have through all of this constantly is that i need so much help, from every corner. i cannot do this one alone, it is bigger than me. i wish to keep going, and see myself get better. but this requires help from everyone i care so deeply about, even if it is just a passing hello or how are you today. it all adds up, little amounts and big amounts of support in all shapes and forms get me through most days. it can be enough to get me out of bed and somewhat try to get through the day
|
||||
|
||||
the holidays are coming up, a notoriously tough time for those with mental illness. i don't have much to be festive about. i am happy i'm still here, and that i have a roof over my head. it could always be so much worse. it is not wrong to want to work towards it getting better though. i know this all takes time, it takes care and love and these very human things we all want sometimes. i just wish it could go a little faster, and i could cry a little less sometimes
|
||||
|
||||
later gator
|
||||
15
weblog/hello-world.md
Normal file
15
weblog/hello-world.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-10-10 07:23
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# Hello World
|
||||
|
||||
Over the past few days I've felt a strong urge to be my true self. Who I was always meant to be. She's been there as long as I can remember, but life in general means I can't be her in the real world. In finding online community however, I realized I've found a place that I can be her. This has been a very positive thing for me, though my heart aches for a day I can be her in my physical space and also be safe, this little push to be my true self online has been so beneficial. I've been happier overall and feel whole for the first time in awhile.
|
||||
|
||||
I think one of the things that made this so easy to do is that my online and offline selves are completely separated. I know not everybody can or wants to do that. But when I started using the internet it was a very common way to approach things, and I think that helped greatly as I could change my online self to be who I really was and could find ways to express who I really am online, without putting my safety at risk in the real world.
|
||||
|
||||
I know there are so many folks who can not express themselves in the real world, much like myself right now. I would say if you can, find a way to express yourself somewhere online. If you have a community that will accept you for who you really are, try and find a way to be who you've always wanted to be. I'm so overall buzzing with joy and happiness that my small corner of the web I occupy allows me to be my true self. I so much hope that is the case for anyone reading this, because it has been a good first step in getting to where I want to be in terms of who I really am. It has helped relieve some of the pressure I had on myself that was causing stress and anxiety. I have much to learn, but I know with my whole heart that this is me.
|
||||
|
||||
With time I will keep finding ways to express myself online, and I know that one day I can be somewhere where I can be my true self offline too. Thank you so much for reading this even if it is a little bit of word soup. The past few days have been emotional to say the least. Whoever you are, and however you are feeling about yourself. You are you, never be ashamed or afraid of that. Be authentically yourself in all the ways you can be!
|
||||
|
||||
Later Gator
|
||||
15
weblog/i'm-not-okay-right-now.md
Normal file
15
weblog/i'm-not-okay-right-now.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-12-22 17:44
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# i'm not okay right now
|
||||
|
||||
a few weeks ago in a post i had written that the holiday season is notoriously tough for those with mental illness. i think i had bitten off more than i could chew coming into this holiday week. i was quite confident last week, full of happiness, and positive energy. my therapist and i were talking about how working on small tasks even though depression tries to get us not to can help us accomplish tougher tasks. i thought i was ready for one of those tougher tasks
|
||||
|
||||
in 2020 i started vaping. the reason for picking it up makes sense to me, and i'm not ashamed that i picked up this habit. it was the middle of lockdown, my ex was battling cancer, and a surprise jaw infection had nearly killed them a few weeks earlier. we scrambled to find somewhere that could give them the antibiotics they needed, and were so lucky to find a place that literally saved their life. and so on top of all of this, i was in therapy and on medication. my therapist was homophobic, but i was too beat down to speak up. my psychiatrist was as helpful as they could be. on top of all of this, the neighbor above us liked to take women home and beat them, nearly every night. we knew what was going on, we weren't stupid. no one would do anything about it, no matter how many times we called the cops no one would listen. i started to question if the things i was experiencing were real. was this all a bad dream? would i just wake up at my mom's house and it would all be okay?
|
||||
|
||||
sometimes i really hoped that was the answer, but nothing was helping. i knew one thing, i came from a family of alcoholics, and reaching for the bottle would do no good. nothing good would come from that. so i reached for nicotine, even though i watched my grandmother die from lung cancer when i was 15 from a lifelong smoking habit. there was nothing else left to help me, no resource that i could get my brain to think about to reach out to. i was at the end of the line, and something had to give. so one night, on my way to work at the webhost. i stopped at a gas station and picked up a vape. i sat outside work in the parking lot and inhaled. the battery was charged, i coughed my ass off cause vapes kind of burn when you aren't used to them. i took another inhale. it happened, for 15 minutes, the world was okay. i felt alright. i looked forward to work, i was at peace. i wasn't worried. it is about as simple as that, it gave me 15 minutes of peace every so often, that medication, my therapist, nor my partner could give me. four years later i've kept the habit. my partner left me, i have a different much nicer therapist, the guy that once lived above me in that apartment building finally got jail time for what he did. but i still vape. it doesn't give me those 15 minutes any more. it is just something i do
|
||||
|
||||
i tried quitting for the first time yesterday. it started well, but i stumbled. my mind began racing as i entered withdraw. my heart was racing like a panic attack, and my anxiety medication couldn't help me. so i dug through my trash like an animal to find a half used old tank of juice for my vape. and i inhaled, and i cried. because i failed myself. i let myself down. no one suffers for this but myself
|
||||
|
||||
maybe this is too much to ask of myself to do right now. it has been quite the end of the year. i'm not exactly mentally strong. resilient yes, but perhaps not ready to face a demon like a nicotine dependency. maybe this is something i can visit when i am stronger, and better off over all. still, i'm a little mad i couldn't do it. i really wanted it to work
|
||||
13
weblog/i-could-really-use-an-umbrella.md
Normal file
13
weblog/i-could-really-use-an-umbrella.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,13 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-11-15 09:55
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# I could really use an umbrealla
|
||||
|
||||
The past few days have been very hard. I've been broken up with my partner for just about a week. A five year relationship ended by them running away. I stand here, and look at my broken life, and I want to pick up the pieces, patch the walls, dust the floors. It is just rather hard to do that when the roof has caved in and it is raining all the time.
|
||||
|
||||
It rains so much when you're like this. It makes your clothes soaking wet, so heavy with weight that every action takes so much effort. You sigh as if you've run a marathon, and yet you've made the same pot of coffee you do every day. I'm speaking with a therapist, which is good. This is good. I've acknowledged I need help. I've been through major depression enough that I'm diagnosed with it as a disorder, I'm no stranger to this. It is so demoralizing for it to be a different path with different way points, different breakthroughs, all unique every time. The analyst in me wishes for a system to this, the human in me scoffs at those who try to troubleshoot me like a robot when I am explaining how I feel. What an odd dance to be in.
|
||||
|
||||
There's an underlying part in all of this that means I'll get through it though, even if it takes time I know I will. For better, and often times worse, I'm rather stubborn. I don't like giving up. I know what giving up to this potentially means, and I refuse. For now, I'll keep picking up the pieces
|
||||
|
||||
Later Gator
|
||||
15
weblog/i-think-i-have-exploding-head-syndrome.md
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15
weblog/i-think-i-have-exploding-head-syndrome.md
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@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-11-11 02:27
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# I think I have exploding head syndrome
|
||||
|
||||
Maybe you aren't familiar with this, most doctors I've brought the symptoms up to don't have much to say about it. So here's the wikipedia article if you'd like to read that first: [Exploding Head Syndrome - wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exploding_head_syndrome) With that out of the way, I think I have this, but there's not a lot one can do about it. The name alone suggests that there's not a great deal of research and wikipedia suggests most people don't bother with reporting symptoms.
|
||||
|
||||
I always found the name funny because I don't really associate it with my head exploding. It is a loud sudden bang with no echo. I also have the visual part of this as well. When falling asleep I can see a white light sometimes as bright as daylight. It is quite distracting and requires me to open my eyes to make it stop. That's kind of the weird thing about this, it is quite jarring and alarming in the moment. But you shake it off after a few seconds. For me they rarely occur more than once every so often. The visual light part is more common for me.
|
||||
|
||||
Tonight was odd though, as I began to feel my body relax into sleep, I was anticipating the sound of an explosion. I don't know how to explain it, I could hear it without hearing it. My ears were responding to the sound of it, but the sound wasn't being made. It became so intense I had to take a deep breath and get up. Robbed of a cozy bed because of imagining the bang rather than hearing it. But is there really any point in getting help for this? It doesn't seem worth it really. It happens every so often, I am aware it is something my mind is creating and not a noise happening in life around me. When the audio part of this occurs, while jarring it is over in seconds and I know what happened and can relax and usually fall asleep again. But it is just such a weird thing to deal with. I don't like it, but I put up with it.
|
||||
|
||||
I imagine a lot of folks are in this situation. It doesn't really cause much harm to me besides shortly interrupted sleep. That's not really something I want to start medication for. I've thought about running a fan in my bedroom, perhaps focusing on ambient noise can allow my brain to safely go into sleep mode without need to make noise by itself. There's no real point to this other than to publicly log tonight's occurrence for myself and perhaps shed some light on what this is if someone out there experiences this too.
|
||||
|
||||
Later Gator
|
||||
15
weblog/im-most-at-peace-when-i-am-busy.md
Normal file
15
weblog/im-most-at-peace-when-i-am-busy.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-10-08 08:47
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# I'm most at peace when I am busy
|
||||
|
||||
I used to work in a rather high pressure part of tech. Though most of my career has been support related, the positions themselves always felt like they required more than just knowing how to fix an app or restart a computer. Sometimes business was on the line if problems were delayed. But I loved the work for a long time. I often thought to myself, that when left to idle I would grow restless and anxious. When it was all hands on deck and something needed fixed **right now** that is when I was most steady, most methodical in my approach.
|
||||
|
||||
I have moved away from working now, truth be told it was something I didn't have to do. I was born with an eye condition that renders me legally blind even with corrective lenses. Being legally blind is a recognized disability where I live, but the odd thing about something like being legally blind, and I imagine a lot of disabilities. Is that you spend a long part of your life proving people wrong, showing time over how you can when they say you can't. So I entered the work field in an area of my state where a car was usually needed, I took the bus. It worked well! Until it didn't.
|
||||
|
||||
What made me put away the work boots in the end was that constant need to be busy, that motor that always needed to run. I learned I had ADHD a few months ago and my career made so much more sense. Why I would take on so much, why I would earn a reputation as a hard worker, and then why I'd finally burn out catastrophically. More importantly I learned why I hated the weekends so much, why I couldn't allow myself to have fun or time for me. Things have really changed in the months since my diagnosis. Though I still take pleasure in keeping myself busy. I can say to myself "emma you've done enough, let's take a break". Further I can actually enjoy that time to myself. Because damn it I deserved it, I deserved it when I was working and I deserve it now. No one should ever have to feel like the weekend is their enemy. That they should ask their boss to let them work on the weekends because they have no fucking idea what to do with their downtime.
|
||||
|
||||
But that was almost me, I actually almost did that at one point. I'm so glad to be where I am at now. There is a lot of work ahead of me, but I welcome the slow and steady journey to getting well and looking after myself better than I have before.
|
||||
|
||||
Later gator
|
||||
15
weblog/im-not-exactly-sure-what-im-looking-for.md
Normal file
15
weblog/im-not-exactly-sure-what-im-looking-for.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-01-16 03:57
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# i'm not exactly sure what i'm looking for
|
||||
|
||||
i think most days when i wake up and do the things i do throughout the day, the reason is often "because i can". this is a very simple reason, and i think a lot of folks would love this to be their reason for most of the things they do every day. but you'll have to excuse me for saying that having this reason for so many things is quite disorienting when it has so often never been a reason for doing things. so much of my life has been living to work, making a version of myself that was accepted by others, or just plain surviving. i find myself a little lost at the moment, because neither of these three things are true now
|
||||
|
||||
i don't have to work at the moment. i have a disability and need to work on recovering my mental health. so the stress of doing things to have a living isn't there at the moment. the versions of myself that existed to make others happy, or to be accepted no longer have to exist. i get to finally be myself, and for this i am grateful. despite things being tough i do not feel that i am in survival mode. i have a safe place to stay, i have food, i have an internet connection, and a place to sleep. all good things, and a requirement for me to not feel like things are seriously wrong so these things all sound good. perhaps there's work to do. i would say there is, but i know what my goals are and it is becoming clearer on how to reach them. i'm getting better at understanding events in my past that i can let go of now, and have. i know that with time i will be able to let go of other ones. i'm also aware of events and goals that simply are more long term right now. as much as i'd like them to be here, i'm content with the idea that they will get here
|
||||
|
||||
so what is it? why do i feel so lost right now? why is the idea of doing things or having interests simply because i can so hard to deal with? is this guilt of some kind? am i taking something out on myself for being in this position? that i made it to safety when i'm aware so many didn't, or couldn't. i don't know of many specific people in my life that didn't or couldn't. my situation is relatively unique to me, and i would say i have no friends or family that i would feel a sense of survivor's guilt over. so is it the idea that i just know strangers that walked a path much like mine never made it to safety, or will never get the chance? i'm not really sure. i've not experienced an event in my life that would lead me to hold survivor's guilt. so much of this is me thinking out loud overall
|
||||
|
||||
i'm not sure why i feel so lost right now. it is hard to sit with the idea of not needing to do things for work, or to live or be accepted. this is such an odd feeling to me. it is hard to find motivation as odd as it sounds. i have time to take things at my own pace, to learn them because i want to or am interested in them. so often i just sit at my computer directionless. so maybe then is it time for something other than the computer? have i had my fill of this avenue of expression? i don't quite know yet. i think the thing in this case to do would be to explore other interests, and see where life takes me. that just isn't possible right now so maybe it is frustration. frustration that my life feels at a bit of a standstill. that i have a great deal of freetime, but all i can really put it towards is hobbies. there's not much i can put towards expressing my identity, or making friends, or finding another romantic relationship right now. some of these things simply can't happen right now because i need to focus on my mental health first and foremost. i understand why that is so important. mental health is such a core part of this that the other things can't be done properly if i'm not in good shape mental health wise. i've voiced previously here how tough it is being aware of where i am in this process. i'd take that over the stumbling i did in the beginning of my mental health journey as a teenager. but to be very aware that i have so much ahead of me still in terms of getting better, is frustrating. even if it is necessary
|
||||
|
||||
i think all i'm really looking to say right now is i'm a little lost. i think it is okay to feel that way sometimes. we don't always know exactly what we need in the moment to be okay. sometimes that also takes time to find. i think for now i have to be content with what i'm doing, simply because it keeps me focused on something and gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. that's a really important thing to be able to do right now. so i think i just have to see what comes next as i keep working through this. with the understanding that i may feel a little lost, but it is temporary. with time i will be okay again
|
||||
15
weblog/invisible-until-it-is-inconvienient.md
Normal file
15
weblog/invisible-until-it-is-inconvienient.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-11-05 19:58
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# Invisible until it is inconvienient - being legally blind
|
||||
|
||||
I have an eye impairment that renders me legally blind. With corrective eye wear my vision is 20/100. People often would ask "what does the world look like to you?". It is impossible to explain because I'm missing things that are obvious to someone with better eyesight, it was never a question I could properly answer, and I think I never gave the things I went through proper justice as a result. The easiest way I can explain this to you is that when you get an eye test, and they stick you a ways away from that eye chat with the big 'E' at the top, well... That's all I can see, with glasses or without them. Every time they'd ask all I could say was 'E'.
|
||||
|
||||
Growing up as a child you're not really aware that something is different about you, you're far too concerned watching cartoons. It doesn't matter to you that you sit directly below the TV looking up at it in awe, but understand that's not because of the technological feats of television blowing your child mind, you just can't see the damn thing from anywhere else in the room. But you don't think about it like that as a kid, but adults are keen to give your mother shit for how close your child sits to the TV, as if it matters so long as she's enjoying spongebob. A common theme throughout my life seems to be that no one really knows I can't see well until I inconvenience them in some way. A potential date night is cancelled because they learn you take public transportation and can't pick them up. The cashier looks at you funny as you squint at a menu placed behind them that may as well be chalk lines instead of letters, not offering any help mind you, just gawking. The common theme of "is she stupid" runs along with this, with my grade school hesitating on whether I would be allowed to take our state's standardized testing since not being able to see well means I must not be good at school subjects. In my professional life I've had people accuse me of being illiterate because I dare look too closely at someone's fucked up handwriting on a paper.
|
||||
|
||||
You can tell there's a lot of anger in me about this I'm sure, and to be honest there is. It isn't fixable, it won't get better, it won't go away. In so many ways it has dictated how I will live my life without any further choices or options. To be ruled by this, to have it decide what job you take because the one you want and is a perfect fit isn't on the bus line, is fucking maddening. This is my life, this is not up to my vision to decide damnit. But so many times it was, so often it was to make sure I had money, or health insurance, and so many times it cost me my mental health by placing me in horrible working conditions. I don't want you to feel sorry, people deal with far worse day to day then I do. Work is over for me now, there will be no more workplace induced trauma for me, and for the most part life's grey clouds have started to part because of that.
|
||||
|
||||
Still what I wouldn't give sometimes for the chance to blast down the highway in the Nissan 240sx I would constantly have a watchlist of, before they were even popular. There's no particular way i want to end this, I just want someone to read it and listen to my story.
|
||||
|
||||
Later Gator
|
||||
17
weblog/just-alex.md
Normal file
17
weblog/just-alex.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,17 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-10-19 19:37
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# Just Alex
|
||||
|
||||
The title of this website is Walk with me for a moment. I'll need you to do that as I go through a few things. In life currently, my name is Alex, but I will be very insistent, it is just Alex. Not Alexander. Not Al. Just Alex. The author of these blog posts is Emma. This is who I desire to be one day, she is the all of the good and sweet and kindheartedness of me that exists as a person. For now it isn't safe to be her in the physical space I occupy. So if we were to ever meet, I would insist. It is just Alex. If you were literally walking you can stop now. Unless you have somewhere to be, in which case stop staring at your phone while you're walking.
|
||||
|
||||
From a very young age I was very particular about my name. School enjoyed being proper and calling me Alexander, I hated it. It was to be stabbed in the chest to be called Alexander. But what do you do about it? It is your name after all, surely my mother knew what she was doing with names, and I'm far from a rule breaker so this isn't a time for me to stand up for myself. That's about how this keeps going too, despite years of folks calling me Al, or Alexander. Despite the internal pain it caused me to be called these names, I never really corrected anyone unless they were kind enough to ask first. This was always the best scenario, someone who knew enough to know I might prefer to be called something other than my full name. These people were heroes to me for such a simple act.
|
||||
|
||||
As a kid a neighbor called me "Alex Trebek" I guess when you like learning things as a child and your first name is Alex you get referred to as the late host from Jeopardy? I don't know, people rarely make sense and are weird. This was unacceptable to me too. It was just Alex, I was not the host of the game show my mom and grandma watched every night, I was just Alex. I don't want to spin in circles too much about this, I think you get the point.
|
||||
|
||||
The last one I will bring up is my mother, who routinely calls me Al. I'm an adult now, she has no idea I know I am a woman, and that I will one day be called Emma. But I let her call me Al, even though it drives me up a wall every time. I do this because enough things get in between me and my mother getting along already, and if I'm honest and looking at my family history, I've got about another 10-12 years of her doing it and then she won't be here anymore. If her calling me Al brings her some small bit of joy or she feels it does for me, I can live with it I guess. But that's how it has always been. I've just put up with this despite being so internally insistent about it. Through the years I have had highs and lows in my confidence. There were definitely times I've stood up for myself, and been an advocate for myself. But this period of time isn't that. This period of time is one of being who I am first and foremost, and despite for years me thinking it was just Alex. It wasn't even Alex in the first place.
|
||||
|
||||
My partner, the only person in real life who knows about my identity, calls me Emma when it is just us. My heart lights up, my inner happiness is sky high, this is me, this is who I really am. Emma. I think the point I want to make with all of this is that names are often rarely just names, for many if not all of us they are so much more than that. But I think sometimes we don't learn that lesson, and I think sometimes we don't teach it either. But should I run into you in real life, it is just Alex, until one day it doesn't have to be any more.
|
||||
|
||||
Later Gator
|
||||
13
weblog/let-happieness-surround-you.md
Normal file
13
weblog/let-happieness-surround-you.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,13 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-12-16 17:23
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# let happiness surround you
|
||||
|
||||
a late fall day, grey and rainy, warmer than usual. i'm at my desk, using a lamp that looks like an old lantern sitting behind me because my ceiling light burnt out. to be honest, i like it. the vibe in my room feels warmer than having this overhead light shine down on me. it was nice, and i think it kickstarted a few other things too
|
||||
|
||||
when i am depressed, my environment is often one of the first things to suffer greatly. having ADHD makes it rather hard for me to look after my surrounding, but seeking treatment for that earlier in the year was allowing me to form a routine around cleaning. but as i fell into depression, the motivation i had for many things, was no longer to be found. and so i sat here at my desk, that had become my trashcan because my trashcan had been full for several weeks now. i looked at what surrounded me, it was not happiness. i knew that when i sat down every time at my desk i felt defeated at this literal monster that was sitting with me. i put up with it, because sometimes that's all you can do. it becomes easy to ignore these very small but vital things because my mind is so full of much more overwhelming thoughts that i must work through. but i must remember, that my environment, especially my work area, is something that i should feel joy from. i sit here and have created beautiful things like [emma's place](https://emmas.place) and [baxter's photo gallery](https://retro-baxter.emmas.place) so i have to sit here and acknowledge this cannot do. i must make this happier for myself, it will help
|
||||
|
||||
so i did, i cleaned the desk, emptied the trash can and vacuumed. i have two plushies i placed on the desk. a cat and a penguin. when i have some money again i will get some small plushies from the pharmacy. they aren't anything amazing, but i'm sure there are some cute ones i'd be happy to greet me when i sit down at my desk. i will most likely have to do this again, probably many times. the important thing is that i did it. that i feel the joy and satisfaction of taking control over something that was causing me stress. this is such an important process in getting better for myself. i'm really glad i did this today
|
||||
|
||||
later gator
|
||||
15
weblog/letting-go-isnt-giving-up.md
Normal file
15
weblog/letting-go-isnt-giving-up.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-11-07 21:14
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# Letting go isn't giving up
|
||||
|
||||
I don't think this has been a great week for a lot of folks, it certainly hasn't for me. In addition to how the election turned out, my partner left me the day after. Our relationship was never perfect, and to be honest this is probably a good thing in the long run. A lot of damage was done to me in the process of this relationship under the guise of good intentions, under my assumption of being a good partner. That's what will take a lot of work to fix and figure out my life on my own again, I'm not afraid to be single, but I have no one in my life now. When we met in 2019 they were very charming, we fell quick. Things took a turn when they were diagnosed with cancer. It was early in the relationship, but I felt a connection to them I had felt with no one else, I felt we had to keep going and they had to get better because I wanted a life with this person.
|
||||
|
||||
So through the course of 3 years, and you know what happened between 2019-2022 so add that on to the list, I looked after them. After work I cared for them, I helped them in every way I could. Friends started leaving my life because I was so focused on them getting better. After two bouts of cancer and a non cancerous brain tumor, they were free of that part at least. But they had changed. They would accuse me of cheating because I worked a night job and that must've meant I doing something behind their back. They were just different. We would split off and on several times, each time the promise of getting better was made, and each time I bought it, and for a little things would get better. But it was just them in my life. Oh sure they had friends, but I never met them, as much as I wanted to.
|
||||
|
||||
I was very isolated and I didn't even know it, because was running under the assumption I was in love, that this was my person, and that was all I needed in life. This time is different though, it clicked. That I put so much into this relationship and that when I had finally hit a rough patch of my own. They split. They couldn't help me when I truly needed them most. So I sit at my desk, alone with my cat. I look back through all those years and I no longer see the love, I see all the things that should've made me leave, that should've made me let go. Relationships are very involved. things. I think there are points in this relationship that we genuinely loved each other. I don't really know what happened to change that. Few times in life are we afforded a gift with a bow that contains all the answers we need. I'll never really know, and it really doesn't matter. I'm starting therapy next week which is long overdue, and I'm looking forward to it as I genuinely need help. I know people want to help and I want to get better, because I deserve to be happy and confident in myself once again.
|
||||
|
||||
I have to ask one thing though, I lost all my friends. I don't really know how to make friends anymore. I know I haven't posted a lot on this blog so far, but if you've read the posts on here or you know me from somewhere. Would you like to be friends? You can email me at emma-at-emmas-dot-place or if you happen to know me from a community we might both be in, we can talk there. The one thing I do really know, is that I need friends right now, I know it is a lot to ask of internet strangers, maybe too much even. But I have to ask.
|
||||
|
||||
Later Gator
|
||||
21
weblog/light-in-darkness.md
Normal file
21
weblog/light-in-darkness.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,21 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-12-20 22:17
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# light in darkness
|
||||
|
||||
this is a blog post for the 32-Bit Cafe's [holiday event](https://32bit.cafe/newyear25/) i encourage you to participate in either or both events if you have something you'd like to share
|
||||
|
||||
on friday nights i often find myself in my head a lot. i sit down and think about the week, the month, the year. at the end of it i try to come away from it satisfied with what i've accomplished. it isn't exactly easy to accomplish things right now for me. i had a breakup in november, and am working my way through the disability process as my psychiatrist feels i should no longer work full time for the benefit of my mental health. the world for someone like me, who knows with all of her heart that she is a woman, but doesn't look the way people expect a woman to look is not friendly, and probably won't be for a long time
|
||||
|
||||
i look at the paragraph above. and the first thing i say to myself is "i'll get through it". i have struggled with my mental health since i was a teenager. i have fallen down and gotten up enough times to know the process works if you work your ass off. by doing things like reminding yourself to eat when depression takes away your appetite. cleaning your desk when depression feels your world should look like trash because you feel like trash. making a website, because as dark as your mind wants to be sometimes, you know with all of your heart you have so much light and love you want to express. a website would be perfect for that wouldn't it? i think so
|
||||
|
||||
there are a lot of challenges ahead of me in the coming new year. some are big, some are small. some i look forward to, some scare the shit out of me. but i will not fucking quit. i am rather determined when it comes to getting better at this point. i remember what better is, it was only a few years ago. i never forgot better, it just went away for a few years. but i can and will have it back. it is mine to have and hold and care for and embrace with the love and tenderness that is me. no one, no mental illness, will take it from me permanently. i will always fight until i have it back
|
||||
|
||||
all of this fucking confidence is fun and all, if this inspires you i'm glad. i also have to admit that what i've been through this year is bigger than myself, that to have this determination i posses now i needed help from many people in many ways. my mom is forever my superhero, and supported me when depression made me unable to express what i was feeling without falling apart and arguing. she is wholly affirming and supportive of the fact that i am a woman, and i cannot express how happy that makes me. my therapist listens to me, honestly listens. even if half the session is me in tears right now. we work through it, she sees the small amounts of progress i make, that are so important when it comes to eventually tackling the larger items
|
||||
|
||||
community has been the most important light in my storm this year. the patrons of the [32-Bit Cafe](https://32bit.cafe/) have all in their own way been a small but strong guiding light as i venture through this storm. whether it was a wonderful website someone was proud to show off, or a wonderfully written blog post that helped me better understand the member of the community that had written it. this year i feel that i finally made genuine connections to people on the web, something i had not done in a long time. i cannot understate how important all of what the 32-Bit Cafe has been for me as a navigate my life. it itself is a lighthouse in my storm. a safe port to stay at before venturing off to fight another day
|
||||
|
||||
i'm used to my life not being easy, maybe that isn't fair, maybe that's just how life is sometimes. but i think the general nature of my life and the challenges it has presented me. whether it be mental illness, a visual disability that leaves me legally blind, or that all of this and many other things leaves me often feeling this world wasn't meant for me. at the end of all of that, i always say i will keep going. i've seen too much good in this world not too. i've seen enough helpers, and have been helped enough times that i find myself wanting to be a helper now too. i hope that i can one day be someone's lighthouse, like so many people have been for me
|
||||
|
||||
the light in my darkness is love, it burns brightly. it is the fire i often describe that is within me. i will always choose to love and will always lead with love, because that is what i'd want for me. i've been lucky enough to experience that a lot this year. so i will keep piloting this ship, and one day i'll get out of this storm. just like i have many times before. it is worth it, **i'm worth it**
|
||||
13
weblog/lost-in-the-supermarket.md
Normal file
13
weblog/lost-in-the-supermarket.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,13 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-12-03 19:20
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# lost in the supermarket
|
||||
|
||||
i've been working through a period of depression for about a month now. though if i'm honest with myself, it has been longer than that, the house of cards simply toppled in the last month. it is an interesting thing, depression. i'm very much a believer in mental health treatment, i work my way through getting better using coping skills i've learned in therapy. i also know when it is time to ask for help and see a therapist again or adjust the medication i take
|
||||
|
||||
so in all of this, a very active approach to getting through this, i find myself in moments of happiness, follow by times of sadness. i try not to worry too much during the periods of sadness. the analyst in me would say that a period of happiness indicates i have not forgotten how to be happy, and that with time i can find long term happiness. i think the easiest way to describe the situation i'm in is that most of the time, i find myself in aisle 3, which is sadness and despair. i know happiness is in aisle 9, but i don't know how to get there intentionally, even if i've seen the shelves and the location before. somehow, for a brief period, i just find myself in aisle 9 randomly, able to take happiness off of the shelf to my heart's content
|
||||
|
||||
there's much at play as to why i cycle back and forth between moods. there is much uncertainty in my life, and that can make anyone nervous or unsure of what the future holds. still though, and i will repeat it every time for myself and for you who may be going through this. i will persist. i have seen aisle 9, i know what aisle 9 is, i know i can intentionally work my way over to it one day. with time, care, love and support. one day, i'll come home with two paper bags of love
|
||||
|
||||
Later Gator
|
||||
23
weblog/media-that-has-helped-me-stay-grounded.md
Normal file
23
weblog/media-that-has-helped-me-stay-grounded.md
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@ -0,0 +1,23 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-09-29 13:30
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# Media that has helped me stay grounded
|
||||
|
||||
I want to share with you two pieces of media that have helped me stay grounded, or in the moment as some might describe it. As someone with anxiety my mind has a tendency to focus heavily on the future or criticize my past actions, when what often matters most is what is going on around me in the moment, as this is what I can directly change and have an impact on.
|
||||
|
||||
The first piece of media is a bit of a spoiler for the series Halt and Catch Fire. The clip is from quite late in the series, so I'd consider watching the series if it is on your watch list. I think this is quite an important moment for one of the characters in the show, and I wouldn't want to derail your plans for watching what I feel is an underrated show. This is a clip from the show that has meant so much to me since I first saw it years ago.
|
||||
|
||||
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/ks5k9byRONg?si=wMWCBrw6gJtxj61u" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" referrerpolicy="strict-origin-when-cross-origin" allowfullscreen></iframe>
|
||||
|
||||
I think what matters to me so much about this clip is the focus on being in the moment. Gordon, the character in the recording is facing the very real prospect of death from a condition developed in the show and has to keep himself going for those who depend on him, and also himself. Though the stakes aren't as high for me, I find this recording to be very useful in my own life, it combines a countdown to focus your thoughts on the present along with gentle reminders that what seems big is something you've handled before and done well. Though the problem may be different this time, you've always figured something out. The advice to look up from the computer I might be ignoring a little bit if I'm honest. There's time to improve in many areas though, progress takes time.
|
||||
|
||||
A second piece of media is a song I'd like to share with you by the band Built to Spill. I think the song does a good job of communicating that we can be certain life will be uncertain, and that we may find ourselves to want to plan for the uncertain, but it often loads us down with stress when we aren't able to gauge the certainty of things that have not happened yet.
|
||||
|
||||
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/15hUcHR7koo?si=TUjUW9EVuS3-jr1T" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" referrerpolicy="strict-origin-when-cross-origin" allowfullscreen></iframe>
|
||||
|
||||
It took a while for this song to really resonate with me. The lesson being taught in this song is something I wouldn't learn until my late 20s. I think it was a combination of many things. In my late 20s I was experiencing many things. I would come out as bisexual, start dating, and have my own place in the course of about 2 years. These experiences, combined with discussions with my therapist about how important it was for me not to focus on my past or future too much. That it is okay to have goals that may be in the future, but how we get there may be completely different from how we see getting there right now. That's okay though, the thing is that we made it.
|
||||
|
||||
I know life seems all but certain for many folks in many parts of the world right now, I hope these two pieces of media might help you as well. I hope to add more to this blog with time, and hopefully get a bit better at writing through the process.
|
||||
|
||||
Later gator
|
||||
206
weblog/page-template.md
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206
weblog/page-template.md
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@ -0,0 +1,206 @@
|
||||
Type: Template
|
||||
Title: Page Template
|
||||
|
||||
<!DOCTYPE html>
|
||||
<html lang="en">
|
||||
<head>
|
||||
<title>{weblog-title}{separator}{post-title}</title>
|
||||
<meta charset="utf-8">
|
||||
<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1">
|
||||
{feeds}
|
||||
<style>
|
||||
@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/font-honey.css');
|
||||
@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/font-lato-regular.css');
|
||||
@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/font-lato-bold.css');
|
||||
@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/font-lato-italic.css');
|
||||
@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/font-md-io.css');
|
||||
@import url('https://static.omg.lol/type/fontawesome-free/css/all.css');
|
||||
|
||||
:root {
|
||||
--foreground: #212529;
|
||||
--background: #ffcccc;
|
||||
--article-background-color: #ffe9e3;
|
||||
--link-color: #4B0082;
|
||||
--link-hover: #FF1493;
|
||||
--accent: #868e96;
|
||||
--border-color: #DB7093;
|
||||
--font-size: 1rem;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
@media (prefers-color-scheme: dark) {
|
||||
:root {
|
||||
--foreground: #f1dac4;
|
||||
--background: #011627;
|
||||
--article-background-color: #2f184b;
|
||||
--link-color: #4cc9f0;
|
||||
--link-hover: #f72585;
|
||||
--accent: #868e96;
|
||||
--border-color: #003566;
|
||||
}
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
* {
|
||||
box-sizing: border-box;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
html {
|
||||
font-size: 16px;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
body {
|
||||
font-family: 'Lato', sans-serif;
|
||||
font-size: var(--font-size);
|
||||
color: var(--foreground);
|
||||
background: var(--background);
|
||||
letter-spacing: 0.125rem;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
header nav ul {
|
||||
list-style-type: none;
|
||||
margin: 0;
|
||||
padding: 0;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
header nav li {
|
||||
display: inline-block;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
header nav li a {
|
||||
display: block;
|
||||
text-decoration: none;
|
||||
margin-right: 1em;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
h1, h2, h3, h4, h5, h6 {
|
||||
font-family: 'VC Honey Deck', serif;
|
||||
margin: 1rem 0;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
p, li {
|
||||
line-height: 1.25rem;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
header, main, footer {
|
||||
max-width: 60em;
|
||||
margin: 2em auto;
|
||||
padding: 0 1em;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
header {
|
||||
margin-top: 4em;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
footer p {
|
||||
margin-top: 5em;
|
||||
font-size: 90%;
|
||||
text-align: center;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
a:link { color: var(--link-color); }
|
||||
a:visited { color: var(--link-color); }
|
||||
a:hover { color: var(--link-hover); }
|
||||
a:active { color: var(--link-color); }
|
||||
|
||||
.post-info, .post-tags {
|
||||
font-size: 85%;
|
||||
color: var(--accent);
|
||||
text-align: right;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.post-info i:nth-child(2) {
|
||||
margin-left: .75em;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.tag {
|
||||
background: var(--accent);
|
||||
color: var(--background) !important;
|
||||
padding: .3em .4em;
|
||||
margin: .8em 0 0 .4em;
|
||||
border-radius: .5em;
|
||||
text-decoration: none;
|
||||
display: inline-block;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
hr {
|
||||
border: 0;
|
||||
height: 1px;
|
||||
background: #333;
|
||||
margin: 2em 0;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
code {
|
||||
padding: .2em .3em;
|
||||
border: 1px solid var(--accent);
|
||||
white-space: pre-wrap;
|
||||
word-wrap: break-word;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
pre, code {
|
||||
font-family: 'MD IO 0.4';
|
||||
font-size: var(--font-size);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
pre code {
|
||||
background: #000;
|
||||
color: #eee;
|
||||
display: inline-block;
|
||||
padding: 1em;
|
||||
white-space: pre-wrap;
|
||||
word-wrap: break-word;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
img {
|
||||
max-width: 100%;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
table {
|
||||
border-collapse: collapse;
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
td, th {
|
||||
padding: .75em;
|
||||
text-align: left;
|
||||
border: 1px solid var(--accent);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.weblog-title a {
|
||||
text-decoration: none;
|
||||
color: var(--foreground);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
main {
|
||||
padding: 1em;
|
||||
background-color: var(--article-background-color);
|
||||
border-radius: 10px;
|
||||
border: 2px solid var(--border-color);
|
||||
}
|
||||
|
||||
.fa-solid.fa-heart {
|
||||
color: #c81d25;
|
||||
}
|
||||
</style>
|
||||
</head>
|
||||
<body>
|
||||
|
||||
<header>
|
||||
<h1 class="weblog-title"><a href="{base-path}">{weblog-title}</a></h1>
|
||||
{navigation}
|
||||
</header>
|
||||
|
||||
<main>
|
||||
|
||||
{body}
|
||||
|
||||
<hr>
|
||||
|
||||
</main>
|
||||
|
||||
<footer>
|
||||
<p>
|
||||
written with <i class="fa-solid fa-heart"></i> by
|
||||
<a href="https://emma.omg.lol">emma</a>
|
||||
</p>
|
||||
</footer>
|
||||
|
||||
</body>
|
||||
</html>
|
||||
24
weblog/progress.md
Normal file
24
weblog/progress.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,24 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-01-28 22:33
|
||||
Location: /progress
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# odds and ends
|
||||
|
||||
therapy has been tough recently. getting better is not an easy task. but it has become tough because i am for the first time approaching topics i've never spoken with a therapist about before. it is easy to spill thoughts onto this blog about having limits, about being diagnosed with ADHD, about loving who i am. it is another thing entirely to stare a human being in the face as you grapple with the idea that for 33 years you were told to push yourself and that you can do anything. then all of a sudden you've found yourself surrounded by loving people, that understand your struggles so deeply. they want to support you and help you in the ways they best can. i'm just a bit dumbfounded by that, and i know why, and i hate that i know the reason why
|
||||
|
||||
the past few nights i've found myself rather upset. i've realized i'm upset because i've gone so long in life without this support. there has been support, but this is real this time. these are people who've lived similar paths to mine, who are saying they understand. these are people who have lived experiences like mine and are saying it is okay. why could the people in my life not do this for me? not even my own mother could tell me these things were okay. that i could slow down, that i didn't have to do everything. where were these people all of my life?
|
||||
|
||||
so i'm angry about something i've known for a long time i can't do anything about, the past. that great enemy always in the rear view mirror. something i thought i was long comfortable with letting go of. but that's all i can do, this has all happened already. i have to let go again. so i will
|
||||
|
||||
this is my year. regardless of whatever bullshit my country's government creates, whatever bullshit flags my bigot neighbors hang up. this is my year. i will not be afraid to get the help i've deserved all my life, because it will make me truly better. i will not be afraid to be who i am because i always was her. no one, not even myself, will let me feel fear anymore. i will not be dictated by "what if" i will not entertain countless, irrational possibilities created courtesy of anxiety. i refuse to be afraid
|
||||
|
||||
i will work with in my limits. i will take things at my pace, no one else's pace will dictate mine. i will do what i can as best as i possibly can, but it will be on my terms. i am acknowledging that i have made so much good progress over the past few months, i see it. my therapist has noted many times how well i'm moving forward. people who know me have said the same. but as this gets harder, and it will, i must move at my pace
|
||||
|
||||
### one small celebration
|
||||
|
||||
for two weeks now, i have not bitten my nails. my mother gave me an unused nail care kit that she had. i have been a nail biter since i was a child. it is particularly bad when i am stressed. therapy has taught me that an approach i can take is redirection of thoughts. so what i have done for these two past weeks, is that when i have the urge to bite my nails, i care for them instead. this is the longest period of time i have gone without biting my nails. i see the redness leaving my fingers. my nails are shinier than they've ever been from the care i've been giving them. this is enough to say to me there is beauty in care, how could there not be when i'm looking at my natural nails slowly getting healthier as a result of me caring for them
|
||||
|
||||
so i can do the same for myself. it will be more complicated than a set of nail tools. but i will know true beauty in care and love for myself now. if so many people can see care and love in me, i think it is time i use some of that for myself. i think that's fair.
|
||||
|
||||
this is my year
|
||||
16
weblog/shoegazing.md
Normal file
16
weblog/shoegazing.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,16 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-02-11 21:29
|
||||
Location: /shoegazing
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# gazing at my (thoughts) shoes
|
||||
|
||||
there's a really wonderful genre of music i've held very close to my heart since i first became aware of it. it is the music genre of shoegaze. a band popular for the shoegaze "sound" is My Bloody Valentine. lately i've found myself listening to the band Ride though. Ride in particular for a certain reason, but i want to talk about shoegaze as a whole for a moment
|
||||
|
||||
shoegaze is such wonderful absolute noise. my mind is often quire full of noise. useless thoughts to toss and turn and worry over. do you know what turns off the noise in my head completely every time? blasting reverb and delay drenched walls of sound through my ears at slightly unsafe sound levels (i already have tinnitus, save your motherly concerns for your local teenage youth). anyways, since i've found shoegaze, i found the one thing that can truly turn my fucking loud ass brain off for as long as i can listen to the music
|
||||
|
||||
i've revisited Ride in particular, because i had not listened to them since before my last relationship. by revisiting Ride, i revisited a version of myself i loved. she was so confident in herself, so full of love for everything and everyone. i'm a shadow of that woman, but i want to get back to being that woman, so much
|
||||
|
||||
it is tough being so fucking sad all the time, i wish i could turn it off. so every so often i blast shoegaze through my head so i can turn sad off for awhile. i have dealt with so much shit over the past 6 years i think i deserve a little escapism, i think that's allowed at this point
|
||||
|
||||
shoegaze is a wonderful genre, a very healing one for me personally, because it is surrounded by so many good memories, and none that were really bad. i will be okay with time, i've got this
|
||||
13
weblog/small-deliberate-steps-forward.md
Normal file
13
weblog/small-deliberate-steps-forward.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,13 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-11-22 18:46
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# small, deliberate steps forward
|
||||
|
||||
Today, as I would often put it to myself, was a day. Nothing really went right, I cried more than once, it is the middle of November and it looks like shit outside which isn't really inspiring. So I had a plan. I would take a small, deliberate step. I would inch closer towards the woman I keep seeing in the mirror, that no one else can see.
|
||||
|
||||
I shaved my legs, arms, well just one of my legs honestly. It was taking awhile and I started getting lightheaded from the shower steam. I will get the other one tomorrow. It was nice, it isn't much, but it was a step forward, that I chose to take. This is very important for me right now. My head isn't in the greatest place and so a deliberate action on my part to feel better about myself. To feel pretty in a way that makes me feel pretty, was a really big deal in that moment.
|
||||
|
||||
This is a short but very important post, because if the past few weeks have been a rainstorm, this was a small ray of sunshine.
|
||||
|
||||
Later Gator
|
||||
20
weblog/sunshine.md
Normal file
20
weblog/sunshine.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,20 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-02-28 19:23
|
||||
Location: /sunshine
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# love
|
||||
|
||||
today was the first day the sun has been out in a long time. i was out running some errands. grocery shopping, browsing nail colors, usual emma things. i felt the warmth of the sun on my skin as soon as i stepped outside, it felt like love
|
||||
|
||||
i haven't posted here in awhile. there may be people who subscribe via RSS who don't know what is going on in my life because they are not apart of the communities i am. i left this blog on a bad note, and i apologize if that caused any of you undue worrying
|
||||
|
||||
i want you to know i'm okay, as okay as i can be. i'm in the process of switching anti-depressants after my doctor agreed my current medication is longer effective at treating my depression. we came to this conclusion because i've been honestly busting my ass in therapy. i've accomplished a lot of good goals, built routines. all of which would be good for someone to do regardless of whether they were depressed or not. so to be doing these things, and more importantly accomplishing them and sticking to them, but then my brain not saying "hey good job emma, you should feel good about this" made my doctor go in the direction of switching medications
|
||||
|
||||
the entire process will take about 10 days, i'm on day 4 right now. you can't and really should never just stop taking most medications, anti-depressants in particular have risks associated with starting and stopping suddenly, such as withdraw symptoms and serotonin syndrome, something i'm not at all wanting to deal with right now lol
|
||||
|
||||
but i'm hopeful, it seems like i have a direction to go now rather than just working hard in therapy. i am glad i've been working so hard. i think if this new medication is helpful maybe i'll finally be able to appreciate all of the hard work i've done. be able to take satisfaction in something like quitting a life long nail biting habit during one of the worse depression periods in my life. it would mean a lot for all of this work to finally click. it would be a big confidence boost and i think i could leverage that for pushing forward with other goals
|
||||
|
||||
as a little personal beauty aside, i got two new nail colors. a really nice shade of a lighter blue, and a "look at my hands, look at this beautiful woman" shade of red. i've been enjoying the red, but i'm feeling i need to both look and feel like this is my color before going out in public with it, something i'm definitely up for trying
|
||||
|
||||
i know there are many people going through tough moments, probably daily like me. take care of yourself, take your time, be kind to yourself. i want to get better, and i want to see you get better too <3
|
||||
11
weblog/the-end-of-the-month.md
Normal file
11
weblog/the-end-of-the-month.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-12-31 12:21
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# the end of the month
|
||||
|
||||
in november, my fiance and i broke up. it was the end of an on again off again 5 year relationship. often broken by their refusal to get help and fixed by promises to get help that never came. i still call them my fiance though, after all of that. i know we aren't getting back together, and ex-fiance is the appropriate term to use now. i understand that. as bad as things got, as much hardship and struggle they placed me in, i felt they always deserved a chance at getting better. that they could once again be the person i laid next to one night and confessed my love for
|
||||
|
||||
every month, at the end of the month since breaking up. mail arrives at my house for them. it is the type of mail one would want to arrive at their current address, and would be quick to correct the address of if they had moved. it is not my mail to open, the contents are unknown and will stay that way. every month they go back in the mailbox noting that this is the incorrect address for them. every month it is a reminder that they may be unhoused, that they may not be getting help. that they may not be here any more
|
||||
|
||||
i'm unsure what to do about this. ending a relationship means grieving, i understand that. how do i make peace with someone possibly not being here any more with out ever knowing that is the case? despite everything bad that happened, they deserved help. they deserved a life of happiness, even though it would no longer be with me. it is easy to say this isn't my concern any more, that it shouldn't have been sooner than later when they could not be trusted to get help. i just can't see it that way. my heart aches at the idea of someone i once cared for never getting the chance to be happy. i'll never know for sure. i was never able to contact them the first time the mail showed up. i never met any of their family or friends i'm not owed an answer to this, we very rarely get closure to traumatic events in our life. it is instead important that i focus on getting better, and grieving the end of the relationship. hopefully this is just a mistake, maybe they did honestly forget and they are getting help just like i am. that is what i will hope for. i can't know otherwise, so i must hope
|
||||
31
weblog/unapologetically-emma.md
Normal file
31
weblog/unapologetically-emma.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,31 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-12-05 20:48
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# unapologetically emma
|
||||
|
||||
there's no way i really see writing all of this without bouncing between thoughts here and there. it is how my mind works and how i make sense of a lot of things around me in the world. maybe i'll try to edit this before i post it, maybe i won't. maybe like a lot of the things in this post, it doesn't matter too much as long as i'm happy when i hit publish
|
||||
|
||||
### summary of me
|
||||
|
||||
since knowing i was bisexual, there's always been something else there. there was something else to me, i wasn't sure what it was yet, i just knew it was there. as i grew a little bit, and had been around more folks who saw things the way i did, a lot of it started making sense. and i don't know how to say this other than just jumping right into it, i'm a woman. but, that's great and all, sure. how do i know that, does it matter? well, yes to me, a lot. when my ex called me emma out loud for the first time, i felt the love i felt for them the first time they loved me. the world was right, i was right, i was emma. when i'm addressed with she/her pronouns in communities i'm apart of, i light up, emma is happy, she is comfortable. i feel sometimes i drift in the middle of it all too, sometimes i think it is just the vibe i'm feeling i guess. kinda that pjs and hoodie kinda mood if that makes sense. so i'd certainly be fine with they/them too, this makes emma happy as well, this is accurate of how i feel sometimes, and it would be fine to use in place of she/her if someone wanted to. but there's one i'm stuck with for now, kind of by my own choice. he/him. these are words, i get that, you get that. in any profile where pronouns are available i could delete he/him from existence. but i don't, because my physical space very much requires me to be he/him, if at the very least for my safety right now. i know it is easy to say most people really don't wanna go to jail and face time for harming someone, even if they hate everything they are. that's a rational take, i appreciate your rationality. but the US especially right now doesn't feel all that rational. i hear the way my neighbors ramble on about a hurricane that affected north carolina, and i'm going to be honest, shit's off. it just is, something's not right with a lot of people and if the reaction i have to that is to be masc presenting in my current space, i think that's fine
|
||||
|
||||
### what does it mean to be beautiful to me
|
||||
|
||||
there's that word, beautiful. we're going to get ahead of this here and i'm going to say, beauty is the sum of the parts of someone. it has nothing to do with gender, how they present, any of that. beauty is someone who helps you when you needed it most, beauty is someone who stands up for others who are afraid to stand up for themselves. beauty is someone kind enough to put the shopping cart in the little holder in the parking lot if i'm being honest. it is a sum of characteristics that make someone beautiful to me. so i look at these characteristics of me, who i am and want to be, and the only important thing that really matters so much to me about this. is when i think of me, of everything that defines me, of all the good and bad that come with me. i see emma, i see a woman. that's really it, i know it can be more complex or probably even less. but this is what it is for me
|
||||
|
||||
### expression is everything
|
||||
|
||||
i feel trapped in a box i wasn't made for, in a lot of ways. in life i worked full time until i mentally fell apart and had to have a doctor say i can no longer work full time for my own well being. so there goes the american dream, not like it was here any way. i have a visual disability that makes me feel like i fall between the cracks a lot in the world. glasses are normal things now, which i love. honestly i love that they can be a fashion accessory. if you wanna rock frames for your fit, do it. but where i feel lost sometimes is that yes i have glasses, they have lenses and they give me as a friend put it "anime eyes" so maybe it is apparent i can't see all that well if you know how glasses work. but a lot of times, no one really knows just how tough being able to see just a little bit is. because you can see this beautiful world around you, you know the sunset is nice, but you miss all the little details. my world is a stressed out prebuilt pc running at 720p low. sorry, the eyes thing is probably something i'll revisit in this blog a bit, there's just ... a lot with that one. but the point i'm trying to make is, over time, outside of my control and probably sometimes at my own choice, i've put myself in a container, that i want to motorcycle off a ramp and into the sunset myself out of, and never see that fucking thing again. so i sit here in my bedroom, i dream about showing my shoulders off in a cute top at the worst possible time, because the world needs to know emma has hot shoulders. the world needs to know how much emma loves her pink converse. the world needs to know that emma is beautiful, because the world desperately needs to see more beauty front and center. and i mean real beauty, like we talked about earlier, expression is the for me beauty. the characteristics of who i am and what i have to offer is the beauty i want the world to see through that expression of visual beauty
|
||||
|
||||
### what would i look like
|
||||
|
||||
to be honest, i love that there's not much stopping me from looking how i really want to when the time is right. things cost money, so that's the main obstacle. but i know where the safe areas to be myself are in my area, some of them aren't bad rent wise. i don't hold this as a certainty but i really hope to find myself in one of these safe places, even a little studio apartment would be enough. because that's the spark, once i'm there i can be anything. that anything is emma, that's who i'll be. sometime ago i noticed in the 32bit cafe, members occasionally used something called [picrew](https://picrew.me/en/) to create profile pictures. over time i started to realize this could be a little toybox for me, to start figuring out what emma looks like when i reach that point. i created an account a few weeks ago and stopped. i was scared to make something. when i first came out in online communities as a woman, this was a breath of fresh air. but it was also a double edged sword, i found myself frustrated at times that the love, support and **acceptance** that was all around me, was absent in all ways in my physical space. where are all these loving kind people, they must exist. why the fuck am i stuck in a town who's mascot is a rusted out lifted dodge ram with political propaganda all over it? who thought that was the funniest joke ever? not me, i'm not laughing. but i started thinking after a bit, i eventually came out to my mom about all of this. my mom, is my superhero i will be honest. she's loved me through everything. when i came out as bi it was nothing but support and happiness. and it was the same this time too. in our discussion she expressed that at the very least, i should understand the house i occupy is safe to express myself in. that's a start! that's enough for now too i think, i think i can live with that. there's some obstacles to get through before i can start doing it, but when i'm ready, i can! what wonderful news! so back to picrew. understanding now that i had a space to express myself, i started to wonder about what i wanted to look like. picrew is very cool i have to say, and it was a super useful tool for me in this process. i'll share the picture cause honestly i love this to death
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
(character creator by Sangled on picrew)
|
||||
|
||||
that's emma, 100% that's her. and so i know where i want to go with how i want to present myself now, because of a little image maker, i see myself so much more clearly so all of this, in a whole, is emma. the good, the bad. the mad, the sad. all of it, is unapologetically me. the state of my mental health due to some events in my life mean that i wouldn't say i love myself right now, i wouldn't say i'm beautiful. but i'm getting help, i'm working through this, i will persist. time and honest talks fix a lot of stuff. it has helped me before, i don't see why it can't help again. i think i ran out of things to type about, so we can call it here
|
||||
|
||||
stay beautiful
|
||||
16
weblog/v-day.md
Normal file
16
weblog/v-day.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,16 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-02-14 20:22
|
||||
Location: /v-day
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# the duality of something broken
|
||||
|
||||
this is my first valentine's day single in 5 years. despite the fact that often my relationship was one of chaos, tension, and lies, it still stings being single on valentine's day. how's that for feelings? maybe i got used to all of it, maybe chaos became comfort. i think i actually believed they would get help every time they promised.
|
||||
|
||||
i had seen a better them at one point, i was confused why they would not want to return to that. maybe they were comfortable in their own chaos. this is a feeling i've known at times. when i first started receiving serious treatment for my anxiety disorder. a world without constant worry, and a guaranteed panic attack was strange, frightening. i tried to sabotage myself frequently throughout this period of adjustment, not content without chaos
|
||||
|
||||
if i ever saw them again i wouldn't have anything to say to them. they burned me enough to deserve nothing else. they ruined my life several times over, they cost me a job once. they refused to understand my mental health and refused to seek treatment for their's.
|
||||
|
||||
if i saw them i'd know they'd still be alive though, getting help.
|
||||
|
||||
how's that for feelings?
|
||||
18
weblog/website-making.md
Normal file
18
weblog/website-making.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,18 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-01-26 01:08
|
||||
Location: /website-making
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# what making websites means to me
|
||||
|
||||
there are a lot of reasons these days to make a website. you may have a niche topic you want to share with the world. maybe you have an interesting collection of items with a lot of knowledge about them to share. maybe you're a natural story teller, and the character length of social media means a blog is more your style. there's a lot of reasons, a lot of good reasons to make websites right now. i'd like to tell you mine
|
||||
|
||||
it is very common these days for folks to be making websites as a refuge from social media. they've realized it isn't working for them anymore. whether it be taking a toll on their mental health, or they've become very aware of the dance they are playing for a heart icon. but this was not a reason for me to be honest. i was a teenager when facebook came out, i was a very lonely one at that. the thing about social media sites when they first come out sometimes is, you need actual real friends to get started. most of the world wasn't acquainted with the idea of having an internet friend halfway across the world at this time. so you needed a friend circle. well i didn't have one. i had no friends. so by being lonely i escaped facebook oddly enough. as other sites came out the overall social component of them seemed hostile to me. i was not a social person, not in the way these sites wanted you to be. so i never got on them. in all this time, i had a spotify account that i got rid of because discover weekly became about offering me safe suggestions rather than that friend who could challenge your tastes while still knowing exactly what you'd like. i had a youtube account that i stopped using when it was clear the focus was no longer about keeping up with channels you were subscribed to
|
||||
|
||||
so if social media wasn't something for me to escape, where did this need to make websites come from? well to be honest, i've been on this planet for about 35 years now. i've learned a few things in this time. the first being, i've lived a lot of experiences, i've seen a lot of things. both of which are worth talking about. the second is, i've generally learned someone will listen if you talk. it may not be thousands of people, but you may just end up making a friend or two if you let yourself tell your stories. i think that was the big part for me. that i could share how much i loved my [cat](https://baxter.emmas.place) in exactly the way i wanted to. i could blog here about things i've been through, and know that people cared enough to read, even if it wasn't the whole world, it was still a few very good people kind enough to keep me going.
|
||||
|
||||
there was one site in particular that took a long time to make. it was my homepage. i am a writer first and foremost when it comes to communicating. i think it how i express myself best. but beauty in colors is certainly not lost on me. but it was neither of those things holding me back. a homepage to me is just that, a home. it would be my place to tell you all about me, the things i love, the interests i have. you should be able to visit it and walk away with an understanding of that person. the problem is, you can't make a page about yourself when you don't know what yourself is
|
||||
|
||||
if i had known the word transgender existed, and what it was, i would have figured this out when i was a teenager. but i was very alone, very isolated. no one around me knew these things. so i largely went through life feeling quite lost and disoriented, because i had no identity really. most of the time i just felt i was whatever made me fit in or have the tiniest bit of acceptance. because the opposite was so much worse. so when i finally could sit down and be honest with myself that this is who i am, the homepage wrote itself. all the wonderful colors were easy to pick because they were colors of the joy and love that is me. all the text is softly and tenderly written, because that is me. finally being me meant i could have a homepage. [emmas.place](https://emmas.place) needed emma to exist first, and i'm so glad i'm here finally
|
||||
|
||||
if you don't have a website right now, that's okay. if you think you might want one, that's good too! but i want you to know that as personal as these reasons are to me, at the end of the day, i want you to feel like you should have a website simply because you can. no one can put their hands up and say "no, you can't do this". so if this is something your interested in, go for it! stoke that flame that is your curiosity, learn how to paint wonderful works of art with HTML and CSS, and maybe even some Javascript too! there's so much beauty behind personal websites, whatever the reason is that they exist. we'd love to have you be apart of that too if you'd like
|
||||
15
weblog/why-wont-you-let-me-say-i-cant.md
Normal file
15
weblog/why-wont-you-let-me-say-i-cant.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-01-09 21:02
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# why won't you let me say "i can't"
|
||||
|
||||
all of us in some way have, or develop limits throughout our life. many of us as we age may share a common limit like not being able to life a heavy box, or not being able to stand up as fast as we once could. some limits may be more unique to us, and may only really be understood by a doctor, or someone who experiences the same limit you do. it may not be apparent to everyone why depression makes me sabotage good thoughts. many people wouldn't understand what a sense of impending doom feels like when experiencing a panic attack. many times in life i've been told to stop bouncing my leg, without consideration given to the idea that bouncing my leg is allowing me to concentrate on the conversation currently being had. and some of these unique limits we can learn to work with or adapt to. major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD for me are effectively treated by medication and therapy. but this doesn't fix everything. there are limits i will always have because of these things i've been diagnosed with. some of them are very core to me
|
||||
|
||||
most of my life, i and many other folks with a disability i think have never been afforded the prescription for these limits, which is acknowledgement of them. that in this moment, we can't. maybe later we can, maybe we will never be able to. but quite simply, we can't for most of my life, both professionally and personally. i have been made to feel like saying "i can't" is not an option. i have to wonder why this is. often for me it is simply needing some space away from everything. to calm my feelings of being overwhelmed, or to charge my social batteries because of a long and involved interaction with someone. in my personal life, i've been treated as though a temporary inability to display affection, such as not being able to give a hug. was as much as saying "i don't love you any more". why must it be like this? why can i not be afforded control over myself in these moments? is it a fear of me having control? does my boss think giving me 30 minutes of space after a tense troubleshooting call will cause me to form a union? does my lover worry that my inability to give a hug means i've given up on them? is it really this simple? are they unable to let me have control of the situation due to fear or a lack of confidence. i'd really like to know. i've walked too close to death too many times in my life for this to be the answer. but if it is i'll accept it, and i'll never give a single person who is unwilling to afford me agency over my life a second of my time again. damn you if this is your reasoning. go to therapy yourself if you have trouble letting others control parts of their life
|
||||
|
||||
at the age of 33 i realized the game i was playing was rigged. that i would never win this game with what i had going on in my life i voiced this to my psychiatrist, who had been seeing me since i was 18. they agreed that they could come to a conclusion through consistent appointments spanning such a long time of my life. that the 40 hour work week didn't work for my head. that in my professional and personal life, my limits were not being respected. so i began the process of filing for disability. with the understanding i could only work part time moving forward. or i would put the effectiveness of treatment for ADHD, depression, and anxiety at risk
|
||||
|
||||
this is a tough pill to swallow at first. despite being given the answer you wanted. that you are now completely right about all the times you couldn't. so much so that your federal government must aid you to ensure you have a stable life it just sucks to hear that's how life wil be for you. i didn't take it well at first i spiraled quickly, overwhelmed with the thought of how much better my life could've been if things had been noticed sooner. but you have to get out of that loop. there are no possibilities in the past. you only have now and what is ahead of you. through therapy i would understand that this was a way point in a new part of my life. one where i would be afforded the chance to say "i can't". one where my limits will be acknowledged. one where i feel comfortable standing up for myself if a future romantic partner is unable to understand or accept my limits. i now understand that i will have energy to look after my physical and mental health. to pursue interests that those without my limits are often free to pursue without second thought. i've been given these chances now, and i'm quite happy about it. i know for a long time i've wanted to help others. in some way i want to make an impact. with time, that is now a possibility for me. work will no longer turn me into someone who can't even say a complete sentence after clocking out. i can finally have goals and interests, because work is not demanding all of the energy i have
|
||||
|
||||
still though. i have to wonder what the world would be like if it was okay to say "i can't". i had to go through a lot of tough life experiences to finally feel i was allowed to say it. i think it shouldn't be like this. i think humans always exceed when we cooperate and understand one another. any successful leader at a job knows their team's strengths and weaknesses, and learns to make them compliment, rather than harm each other. why is this not the norm? why was i not allowed to say "i can't" for so long
|
||||
33
weblog/words-of-care-for-the-depressed-mind.md
Normal file
33
weblog/words-of-care-for-the-depressed-mind.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,33 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-01-20 00:51
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# words of care for the depressed mind
|
||||
|
||||
this is a post for me as much as it is for you, whoever you are. these are things i keep in mind as i navigate my mental health journey. they are important thoughts i feel anyone should want to keep in mind as they navigate mental health
|
||||
|
||||
someone will listen, if you allow yourself to talk
|
||||
|
||||
someone will understand, if you allow yourself to express your feelings
|
||||
|
||||
someone will care, if you let them in
|
||||
|
||||
you are not as alone as it feels, many have walked this path. many people want to see you get better
|
||||
|
||||
people would care if you disappeared one day. so maybe stick around for a bit, even if it is just to see what happens next
|
||||
|
||||
happiness, sadness, loss, grieving. these are all part of being human. for someone with depression, these are sometimes magnified. it does not mean it is forever. it does not mean you will never see happiness again
|
||||
|
||||
people worry about you because they care. you are not a burden, it is okay to let them in and help them understand what you are feeling
|
||||
|
||||
it is okay to ask for help when you need it. it is okay to take breaks when you need them. getting better doesn't have to be done alone. getting better doesn't happen right away
|
||||
|
||||
there is beauty in you, as hard as it is to see sometime. but you know others see it, so let yourself see it sometimes too
|
||||
|
||||
this gets easier with time, you'll understand yourself better with time. you can let go of things with time, you can be happy again, with time
|
||||
|
||||
you are a wonderful human being, both myself and you, the reader. perhaps there is a long road ahead of us. but we can do this. i'll believe in you because i know others would do the same for me
|
||||
|
||||
take care of yourself out there, there's a lot of beauty in this world. even if our minds want to hide it from us sometimes
|
||||
|
||||
|
||||
17
weblog/you'll-find-happiness-in-the-last-place-you-expect.md
Normal file
17
weblog/you'll-find-happiness-in-the-last-place-you-expect.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,17 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2024-11-29 18:17
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# you'll find happiness in the last place you expect
|
||||
|
||||
i'm going to be honest, i think for a lot of us, this just wasn't our month. there are the holidays to look forward to if you celebrate, but overall, especially for us in the united states, not so great. things were especially rough for myself this month, losing my long term partner on top of a nation of people possibly deciding my future as a nonbinary person in this country was just overall not what i wanted to go through. much of this month was dark, bleak, anything but happy. still though, i pushed, because i remembered what happiness once was for me, and i knew i could have it back with time
|
||||
|
||||
before i met my partner, i had not yet realized who i completely was. i had finally understood i was bisexual, but there was more to me that i didn't have the words for yet, but to figure something out was better than nothing, as much of life was rather confusing and irritating at points until my late 20s. in my late 20s i was full of confidence, love, and passion for myself and others. a friend described me as a sweetheart, genuinely meaning it in every sense. i felt this way about myself too, that i had a lot of love to offer someone if they wanted it, and so i started looking for that someone
|
||||
|
||||
these days, after having poured that love over someone who once wanted it, then took advantage of it, i don't describe myself as i would in my late 20s. i do however, remember how i felt as i say those words to myself. passionate, loving, sweetheart. these are words that bring a warm smile to my face every time, butterflies to my stomach, because i know there will be someone else out there who is this, and wants it just as much in return. but that is for future emma to worry about, one has to love themselves before they can love someone else in a meaningful way, and i'm just not there yet
|
||||
|
||||
but towards the end of this month, things started happening. depression is a very cruel thing, it will make you sad, it will take the things and people you love and make you think you don't like these things and that these people don't really care about you. if depression really gets what it wants, you'll lie in bed all day, feeling of nothing. during a discussion with my therapist, they had asked if there was ever any sort of intuition i had about myself and my mental health treatment. i've been through treatment many times when it comes to therapy, i've long made peace with the medication i'll need for the rest of my life because i can have a somewhat functional and joyful day with it. so i told them, that the word that comes to me is "persist". to expand on that, my intuition tells me, that no matter how bad this gets, no matter how low i get, stick it out, see what's coming, this is worth getting through. maybe i've just been through therapy enough times to see it work out in the end. i'm not sure why i think this way, but i'm sure happy i do
|
||||
|
||||
the last few days were really something special, that cold feeling went away, replaced by warmth. isolation was replaced with participating in the community i adore more than anything, and speaking with people who i understood really did care about me and what i had to add to conversations. dread was replaced with hope, with goals for the future, of who and where i want to be. i looked at these ideas with confidence, they brought me joy, and i knew that work would be required, but i looked forward to it. sometimes i need time to get over what keeps me up at night, sometimes i need to speak with people who get what i'm going through, sometimes i need to remember i am not alone by reading a [blog post](https://www.eladnarra.com/blog/2024/impact/) and crying for 30 minutes after because in the author's efforts to feel seen, i felt seen. i needed all of these things in the end, and i have awhile to go, there's a lot of work to do to better understand some things i've been through. i'm long overdue for being in therapy again, but i feel a lot more confident about working through things, and happiness isn't some lost feeling anymore. i feel it right now, writing this post
|
||||
|
||||
Later Gator
|
||||
17
weblog/youre-allowed-to-take-care-of-yourself.md
Normal file
17
weblog/youre-allowed-to-take-care-of-yourself.md
Normal file
@ -0,0 +1,17 @@
|
||||
---
|
||||
Date: 2025-01-05 05:59
|
||||
---
|
||||
|
||||
# you're allowed to take care of yourself
|
||||
|
||||
i've been over a few topics on my mental health journey on this blog. i've come to understand through looking at what i'm going through and through talking with it to my therapist. that mainly i am grieving the loss of a relationship. that even though it needed to end, that i may not have loved them for a while before it ended. the loss of something that was once so special is a perfectly valid reason to grieve. grieving has a few stages, i think i've made it through the ones that put you in a low, very dark place. i've had my time to think, to worry. overall with an understanding and a want for the relationship to not continue. that it can't for both of our sakes. recently i entered a new stage, also part of grieving. anger
|
||||
|
||||
anger is an odd emotion for me, it is very inward. i am my harshest critic and i will pull myself through a fire to prove a point at the expense of only me. but what i seem to be angry about most is what i've let depression get away with all this time. i've talked about how it affects my environment, but it affects me too. greatly. i think for many years at this point i have not cared much about my personal appearance. even as i began to realize i identified as a woman, i didn't put much thought into it. depression is happy to wrap you up in a fog of sadness. you look at yourself in the mirror and maybe you don't even recognize yourself. but at the same time you wonder if you disappeared would anyone care? and when you are asking yourself questions like this, you don't particularly care about the poor human being looking back at you in the mirror, even if their eyes are begging you to push forward and get better but it has changed recently
|
||||
|
||||
i had to go pick up medication as i usually do every month. in about the simplest way i can explain it, i was overwhelmed with the urge to not look like shit for once. i realized i could look nice, just for myself. it isn't like i'm going anywhere important. but i'm allowed to feel happy by looking nice in a way that makes me happy. so i cleaned myself up. i paid extra attention to my hair as it has always brought me happiness. i began using the skin cream i've had for awhile that helps with all the acne i've had building up form just not looking after myself. i shaved the facial hair off of my face that i disdain, but couldn't bring myself anything to do about. so i went to the pharmacy, got my medicine. maybe your familiar with a certain pharmacy that prints mile long receipts. the funny thing is sometimes those receipts pay off. this time they did. i had what amounted to a $7 gift card on my receipt. and i new immediately what i needed to get. i had been looking on the pharmacy website earlier in the day. i had seen them. the first step in expressing myself visibly in the way i see myself. press on nails. nothing fancy, but not a waste of money either for learning how to apply them, and maybe getting a fun photo or two and feeling happy for the day
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and happy i was. they were a little crooked, they weren't perfect. but the joy i felt looking down at my hand. i rushed to the mirror and put my hands out so i could see my nails. the smile beaming off of my face said it all. this is the right direction, this is all making a little more sense now. i care about myself a little more now. things don't happen over night, and it will all take time. but the validation was huge for me, i felt cute. i felt beautiful
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i ended up buying another set later on, that can be reapplied. typing is very interesting with nails on i have to admit. but i'm sure i'll get used to it, i look to cute to ever want to be without something like this again. i'm very happy today
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