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+Date: 2025-03-19 00:21
+Location: /finding-emma
+---
+
+# figuring out what being a woman means for me
+
+as i come out of my period of depression. i've felt a lot more confidence in regards to exploring my gender identity. while depressed i was able to come to the conclusion that i was a trans woman. but while being depressed, being unable to care for myself meant i did little in regards to exploring my identity. as i've felt better i have done more in regards to exploring my identity and figuring out what being emma, being a woman, is to me
+
+lately i've explored clothing. it was a big step for me, one that was really needed. in the days leading up to going shopping for clothes, it was all i could think about. all i could think about was finally having the right clothing, and how horrible all of my current clothing was. so in beating depression, i've become aware that i at times am now experiencing dysphoria. i've come to learn that this is quite common as you being exploring your gender identity more as it becomes more apparent what doesn't line up or doesn't feel right as you begin transitioning parts of yourself
+
+tonight was my hair. i have long had a plan to get a wig because genetics was not kind to my hair, nor was my mental health. for a long time my hair has been thinning, losing the wonderful browns and reds it had, and of course, it has been falling out. so now i have this wonderful clothing i feel beautiful in. i've begun exploring cosmetics that get rid of the general uncomfortable redness in my skin while also being kind to my sensitive skin. but i'm stuck with this fucking hair for right now and it drives me up a wall. in the mirror i can deal with it, i look cute enough with my new clothing on and beauty routine applied that i feel a sense of happiness
+
+i've been committed to the idea of taking selfies throughout this process. of documenting my transition. i've been told it will be one of the most important things i can do during this journey. unfortunately the camera is very honest. it is quick to show how my hair just isn't there in places. how that makes me feel like a man in woman's clothing rather than a confident beautiful woman. i have to wonder at times while i was depressed that i was possibly experiencing dysphoria too, and if that is why it was so hard to break free of my depression this time
+
+the conclusion i've come to in all of this is that my mental health will always be tied to how i see myself. my psychiatrist has pointed out that beginning to explore who i really am will be very beneficial to my mental health and i completely agree. while there will be stumbles like tonight, i wholly believe that transitioning will be the most important thing i do for my mental health. it will be me finally being my true self. i will no longer be hiding me, no longer trying to be something to keep people happy. transitioning will be a complete liberation from the box my mental health often tries to put me in through things like depression. actually seeing myself as the woman i am one day will be the most freeing thing i can do. it will enable me to break free from the negative thoughts and harsh criticisms i'm so quick to give myself. i will be a truly confident woman, because i will finally be my true self. there is no self doubt in this decision. as i transition further i expect my anxiety to lessen as i become more confident in myself and begin ridding myself of self doubt and irrational fears about how i and others perceive myself
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+there is a long way to go, there will be trips, falls, and stumbles. being who i was always supposed to be simply cannot come without those. i've spent 33 years being someone i wasn't, there's a lot to figure out here. i'm looking forward to it though, because i know what it brings me once i've figured out what being a woman means to me. it brings complete happiness, confidence, and assurance in myself. i will work as hard as i can until i reach this point. this process is very much for me, it is all about me. this will be the first time in my life i can really say i am doing something just for me, and i will do this. i deserve this