oops

personal/journal.html

@@ -17,6 +17,62 @@ permalink: /journal
 <h2>basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page</h2>
 
 
+<article>
+	<h2>2024-12-19</h2>
+	<p>(18:15)<br>
+	been in a bit of a social slump lately<br>
+	barely checked discord/tumbr or the melonland forum<br>
+	at least moosky and turtle are nice to talk to<br>
+	and i really hope the server guys will want to talk again<br>
+	also i set up my raspberry pis again and they are cool servers :D<br>
+	(18:22)<br>
+	oh yea i guess i didnt mention it before<br>
+	parents are back but they have to go out again on christmas/channukah<br>
+	tho this time theyll be back before channukahs over..<br>
+	ig they have a lot of stuff to bring from my grandmas house<br>
+	(19:21)<br>
+	man screw this im not in the right headspace to make another comic<br>
+	i dont even care if i skipped twice im drowning<br>
+	(20:36)<br>
+	god d a m n it why do i care so much about a stupid tubr event<br>
+	im thrwoing shit at the wall and i feel terrible about it<br>
+	(21:31)<br>
+	okok ive calmed down a bit<br>
+	im not terrible im not terrible im not terrible<br>
+	as long as im not inflicting other people with it<br>
+	its fine im fine<br>
+	thats why i keep this blog i guess now just to dump all<br>
+	my terrible thoughts instead f inflicting it on other people<br>
+	(21:34)<br>
+	ok so the whole problem stems from wanting to be involved<br>
+	with the collaborative stuff my friends are doing<br>
+	(yes bench is my friend again they forgave me and refriended)<br>
+	and also feeling like im unable to do that because of all the<br>
+	failures in the past so i try to reach out for help to do that<br>
+	in a frantic stupid terrible ourobouros that just hurts people<br>
+	but so as long as i just ignore that feeling long enough i can<br>
+	maybe do something cool with them<br>
+	its almost paradoxical, huh.. to do the stuff i want to i have<br>
+	to give up on doing the things now and stop letting it weigh on<br>
+	my mind.. yk what at least i handled it better this time i didnt<br>
+	try to reach out im STILL WAITING FOR JANUARY because i really<br>
+	want to show that ive changed and this time yk this time i just<br>
+	calmed down offline mostly and screamed into the void (blog)<br>
+	so hopefully this doesnt mean that im making no progress hopefully<br>
+	i DONT WANT TO HURT THEM AGAIN NOT AGAIN THATS NOT WHAT A FRIEND DOES
+	frik im going to go play some balatro to get my mind off this<br>
+	(22:05)<br>
+	well i won the balatro game<br>
+	feeling a bit better<br>
+	tho again i really hope the server accepts me again<br>
+	(22:14)<br>
+	maybe i cant always have a ton of interaction every day<br>
+	"sometimes you need the bad moments to make the good ones better"
+	(23:00)<br>
+	ok im deleting a bunch from the 20:36 entry and going to bed
+	</p>
+</article>
+
 <article>
 	<h2>2024-12-18</h2>
 	<p>(14:11)<br>