comicsite/personal/journal.html
etherware-novice a627f29eb9
dec 15
2024-12-15 15:27:19 -06:00

667 lines
26 KiB
HTML

---
title: vent/journal
permalink: /journal
---
<a href="https://journal.miso.town/atom?url=https://abslimeware.neocities.org/journal">
<img src="/assets/images/blinkers/rss.png" />
RSS
</a href><br>
<a href="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/">
probaby never on <img src="https://kiosk.nightfall.city/banner-kiosk.png"
alt="The Neon Kiosk - Nightfall City">
</a>
<h1>candys journal</h1>
<h2>basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page</h2>
<article>
<h2>2024-12-14</h2>
<p>(12:45)<br>
BIRTHDAY!!!<br>
parents called in the middle of me drawing and<br>
"gave" me my gifts (they left it in the office)<br>
i got a raspi5 and a cool portable monitor :DD<br>
(14:11)<br>
ok so my sister also invited me to go out to a game with them :D<br>
great day!!<br>
(23:00)<br>
we're doing dinner tomorrow instead<br>
also our team won so yey
</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-12-13</h2>
<p>(12:06)<br>
wow, two full days without drawing or being negative on here?<br>
what am i becoming /j<br>
oh i forgot to talk about it earlier but<br>
i joined another webring, a goofy one my friend is running<br>
called the "silly ring" (you can see the badge on the homepage)<br>
obviously once i reorganize the site i'll put it somewhere else..<br>
then again most of the other ones are hardcoded to /comic..<br>
well thats a problem for future me :)<br>
(14:21)<br>
just found out my balatro save was wiped :(<br>
(14:53)<br>
this is a pretty weird year for my bday because<br>
in almost every other year its overlapped with channukah<br>
also parents not being there and not my sister either<br>
soo yeah hope it goes well<br>
(15:01)<br>
ok yk what im going to put the site redesign on hold "officially"<br>
until i get these drawings done<br>
(16:50)<br>
got my secret santa drawing done after 3 weeks of procastination<br>
(20:35)<br>
i kinda hope the redux server thinks to maybe reach out for my<br>
birthday it would be nice but im not getting my hopes up..<br>
(21:46)<br>
well due to massive indecision between me and my brother<br>
we are just now ordering wings yes at almost 10 at night<br>
at least i get my lemon pepper wings :D
(22:59)<br>
stuffed right before i havto go to bed<br>
its gonna be hard to sleep again<br>
(23:05)<br>
screw it im just gonna play my 3ds until it hits midnight<br>
like last years birthday<br>
(00:01)<br>
YIPEE BDAY TIME!!
</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-12-12</h2>
<p>(12:51)<br>
new entry to my favorite arg just dropped<br>
todays a good day :)<br>
(13:34)<br>
just realized i didnt do any new drawings yesterday oops..<br>
(14:57)<br>
ok i found the gimmick i wanna <a href=https://www.jwz.org/>recreate</a><br>
it looks so cool!!<br>
(19:38)<br>
one plus about just me and my brother being home is a lot of<br>
takeout (even if i have to go pick it up..) pizza night!!
</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-12-11</h2>
<p>(12:49)<br>
starting to feel more comfortable in pkrl somewhat<br>
trying to let go of my fear more<br>
the community is nice..<br>
(16:59)<br>
well the city emailed back about the volunteer thing<br>
no idea if i got it but fingers crossed<br>
(22:08)<br>
wow ok wow :D<br>
my sister came over and gave me and my brother a bday bunt cake!!<br>
and we got to have a full family meal for the first time in a<br>
while (+ her boyfriend who is awesome and also a cowboy)<br>
also parents are going out early tomorrow so its just<br>
me and my brother for a week.. i hope hes not too annoying.<br>
anyways pretty cool day
</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-12-10</h2>
<p>(12:11)<br>
got back from therapists and instantly passed out :P<br>
if that doesnt show my sleep schedule is broked..<br>
(14:49)<br>
trying not to worryyyyy<br>
(17:55)<br>
it is so cold out rn<br>
my hands are shaking pretty bad<br>
(18:54)<br>
maybe my issue is trying to force myself into stuff i want<br>
and being jealous of people who do have that<br>
and wanting to get that quickly as a twisted way to<br>
stop the feeling of being left out quickly<br>
and that i should just try to take things slow<br>
maybe being forced out of that server was a sign to<br>
build patience and stuff and that i need to wait a<br>
substantial amount of time before trying<br>
it will hurt but this time i will change<br>
and wont hurt them again<br>
i wont<br>
(19:29)<br>
went to volunteer for some random photography thing<br>
in my city cuz parents forcing me to do something this break<br>
(20:00)<br>
oh yea i guess i didnt mention it here yet<br>
my parents arent going to be around for my birthday..<br>
i understand why but it still does suck a bit<br>
im hoping i can get a college friend to do something w/ me
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-12-09</h2>
<p>(12:47)<br>
i want to change the layout of my site but cant find<br>
a layout idea i like.. but im going to keep working at it<br>
(16:51)<br>
finished my drawing for them.. ended up just doing a l4d2 "poster"<br>
ill dump it into the gallery too if you want to see it<br>
we're going out to some fancy restaurant too in like 10 minutes<br>
printing out the drawing and throwing this update in real quick<br>
(19:45)<br>
dinner itself was good<br>
brother kept trying to embarrass me again like yesterday<br>
IN FRONT OF PARENTS which SUCKED and I WISH HE WOULD STOP<br>
also my sister wasnt there nobody ended up inviting them<br>
bc of how last minute the dinner was apparently<br>
he left for the store before i could give him his drawing<br>
(20:14)<br>
he liked the drawing!!<br>
(22:53)<br>
finally starting to calm down from the server disaster<br>
im a bit more confident i can really truly change<br>
and i hope i can get another chance maybe<br>
also ill try to work on the website more tomorrow..
</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-12-08</h2>
<p>(18:14)<br>
holy piss i just noticed the "12 people on 12/6" stat<br>
who is this interested in my site??<br>
also im honestly surprised i forgot i put up a working rss<br>
feed, i assumed it was broken like the comic rss feed<br>
to be fair that feed is useful to notify when i change stuff<br>
bc (at least on my side) it re-notifies me every time i push<br>
changes so who knows and hello to the rss readers??<br>
if there are any?? also if its the server, again hi and im sorry<br>
well uh the day was wasted trying to reflash my 3ds<br>
something broke really hardd<br>
im well on my way to getting back to pokemon black tho<br>
(00:12)<br>
yes its technically tomorrow but im seperating these based<br>
on when i sleep instead of actual days and stuff :)<br>
anyways yes its the 9th now which means its my brothers bday<br>
and yes i know his is 5 days before mine..<br>
i dont know what to draw him bc most of the games he likes are<br>
like the modern shooters with gruff army guys and thats like<br>
the opposite of what i draw<br>
i tried asking him and just got teased about buge fabls again<br>
which was COOL and DIDNT make me want to HIT HIM<br>
<br>
also again with the weird goatcounter numbers<br>
WHY DID 4 PEOPLE RANDOMLY DECIDE TO READ NOV 10'TH COMIC<br>
IN THE LAST *HOUR*?? It's even WEIRDER because ALL OF THE<br>
VIEWS SAY THEYRE REFFERED FROM MELONKING WHICH IS CLOSED RN<br>
NOT EVEN THE FORUM WHICH MIGHT MAKE A BIT OF SENSE<br>
the ONLY thing i can think of is someone went to the<br>
flood ring info page, went to my site for some reason, and<br>
showed a random comic page to their friends which like<br>
WHO WOULD DO THAT???<br>
also holy hell who is the one person finding my hidden writings<br>
and again why/how is the refferer melonking.net?? there is NO<br>
possible way for someone to find them there is no link anywhere<br>
its also kinda funny how im starting to maybe attract ppl from the<br>
pkrl space with the neoskitties stuff since that page is getting<br>
more viewers... maybe i should put actual effort into it.<br>
maybe at some point who knows??? maybe once the server stuff is fixed which again im sorry abt<br>
also again with this page suddenly becoming the most visited<br>
aside from the index is slightly weird and makes me wonder<br>
whos actually reading this and/or if its just rss feeds<br>
inflating the number but who knows???<br>
oh yea wait before i leave i should probably give a slight<br>
update on how im going to be doing the journal<br>
im gonna be writing it throughout the day like i did here<br>
and push it the next day<br>
so each days entries will be up the next day<br>
anyway gn ill push this tomrw along with an update to the<br>
gallery page..
</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-12-07</h2>
<p>im still feeling guilty but im trying to move<br>
past it and im trying to legitimately improve<br>
ill maybe try to appeal in a month or so or when<br>
i actually become a better person.. i hope they give<br>
me another chance but i get if they dont<br>
ive been trying to keep up on my blogs<br>
i couldnt post much today because of the aforementioned<br>
SATURDAY TEST but ill post more tomorrow.<br>
at least my semester is officially ovvverr!!<br>
<br>
im kinda worried about my relationship w/ bench bc like<br>
after they refriended me after the apology the conversations<br>
have been like really stilted and im running out of things to<br>
talk about and stuff it feels like theyre just tolerating me<br>
talking to them idk i hope i can figure out how to talk to people<br>
like a normal person and stuff<br>
<br>
also the sudden spike in people checking this page is<br>
a bit worrying, like a fourth of the visits on my site<br>
have been on this page... redux server is that you??</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-12-05</h2>
<p>i think/hope that bench doesnt find me annoying<br>
uh so its almost the end of the semester which is nice<br>
and im going to have to find some excuse of a thing to do<br>
so my parents dont complain about me "doing nothing" for<br>
a month which isnt nice<br>
struggling to keep up with my personal projects<br>
(the comic and working on new stuff for this site)<br>
so idk id do pretty bad at a job<br>
that last final is still looming though</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-12-04</h2>
<p>well things are finally going the other way with that group<br>
they uh found the apology<br>
hopefully i never hurt them again<br>
<br>
anyways ig ill talk about my real life bc i swear<br>
i have one outside of being online<br>
finals week! i have one test down, getting a 51/50 on my<br>
compsci test.. and one to go, which is on a saturday, WHY?!</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-12-01</h2>
<p>ok im not ok im still in pain<br>
how do you deal with guilt<br>
or like how do u fix relationship with someone<br>
please i dont want to be hated please please<br>
im sorry how do i fix this please</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-30</h2>
<p>I feel like I should write something less intense after that<br>
so I guess I'll double dip and talk about the trip..<br>
Honestly, it was pretty short. We didn't get to do too much..<br>
It was planned out so that we avoided the massive rush of<br>
Monday and Sunday, instead choosing the day before and after<br>
Thanksgiving to take advantage of the lower yield. Pretty clever,<br>
but again it didn't leave much time to hang out with family.<br>
I did get to play tennis though, which was fun until my<br>
cousin chased and hit me with a racket repeatedly.<br>
Also, we watched some movies. My mom hates <i>The princess Bride</i><br>
for some reason, but my uncles were clever and put it on<br>
before we came to the house so I got to watch some :)<br>
The cooking was fantastic, a lot of my family are really good<br>
chefs, and I'm sad we couldn't take most of it on the plane.<br>
Also, we tried to do some black friday shopping but ended up<br>
not really buying a lot. Overall, pretty alright trip.</p>
</article>
<details>
<summary>2024-11-30/apology</summary>
<p>Today's only the 30th by technicality, it<br>
just hit midnight 5 minutes ago. Still, I'm leaving it<br>
because it looks nicer.<br>
<br>
So.<br>
I fucked up bad with that group.<br>
I'm writing my apology here in the extremely rare chance that<br>
one of them happens to check my site.<br>
Also, I've had some time to think about it, both literally<br>
being banned indefinitely and having very little computer<br>
access until just now because of thanksgiving travel.<br>
Maybe writing out an actual apology will help some,<br>
even if they never end up seeing it.<br>
godamnit im stalling<br>
<br>
Bench, I'm sorry for continuing to beg for help and<br>
not understanding the boundaries you set. I was getting<br>
too emotional and scared about the new stuff, but I shouldn't<br>
have expected you to hold my hand through it. I'll continue<br>
to try writing and maybe it'll go somewhere. I just need to<br>
give it time and stop letting my anxiety about it force me<br>
to push boundaries too hard. I'm sorry for mistreating you,<br>
and if you ever do end up letting me back I promise I will<br>
be a better person and actively push myself to not repeat it<br>
again. I'm sorry.<br>
<br>
Allistor, I'm sorry for the message spam after what happened<br>
Again, I was too emotional, but I should've just stepped back<br>
and not done it.<br>
<br>
To everyone else, I promise I will try to change and be a less<br>
annoying person who pushes too hard sometimes.</p>
</details>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-27</h2>
<p>it got worse<br>
it got so much worse<br>
everyone hates me<br>
banned<br>
fuck my fucking life why cant i just be normal</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-26</h2>
<p>flying out to washington tomorrow for thanksgiving<br>
also the guys seemed to be a little mad but i swear<br>
ill get better</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-24</h2>
<p>well the week timeout on one of the servers is up tomorrow<br>
i hope they dont hate me too much...<br>
the other one is still out but im trying to ask the<br>
admin to reduce it from a week and a half to just a week<br>
theyre ignoring me but that technically means its not impossible<br>
and again if *you* are reading this<br>
im sorry ok</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-22</h2>
<p>I hope the community still accepts me..<br>
i hope i can like be more integral with it<br>
and not just be like someones little brother kinda lurking around</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-21</h2>
<p>man i hate my parents sometimes<br>
"oh just get a friend in every class you<br>
should have at least one friend in every class"<br>
like i can just snap my fingers and get someone to<br>
like me?? like god im amazed i even got one friend<br>
and that was basically by accident and we still barely<br>
talk outside class and im worried its going to fall through<br>
again and if you havent noticed im terrible with all relationships<br>
the stupid putting myself down is probably just like a<br>
idk a defense mechanism because im scared of making<br>
something "bad" because i look up to so many people and<br>
so many other guys have such incredible stuff<br>
(art, websites, writing, pkrl) and it feels terrible to me<br>
because theres no way that i could do that without building<br>
up to it and that practice feels so indirect and like im making<br>
no progress and just desperately trying to chase someone else<br>
and not being able to get there before losing steam and feeling<br>
ashamed because i failed at it and idk IDK i really want to do<br>
cool stuff too and be in a group without worrying if they like me</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-20</h2>
<p>feeling completely aimless and demotivated today<br>
still trying to emotionally recover from..that<br>
tried to work on the site a little but couldnt find it in me<br>
and i probably cant do the big hsol styled remake without<br>
having a working copy because WINE BROKE IT THANKS<br>
also i havent drawn anything since that one "commision"<br>
a couple days ago<br>
maybe i should try writing random short stories and hiding<br>
it deep in the site again..</p>
</article>
<details>
<summary>2024-11-18</summary>
<p>how do you human without hurting people<br>
how do you even<br>
stabs of<br>
how do you<br>
its always either nothing or everything<br>
inert lack of doing fucking anything<br>
or trying so hard i fuck everything up every single fucking<br>
this is the worst i cant i cant i cantt<br>
i just<br>
jfeff im sorry im sorry im sorry<br>
why cant i<br>
i just want to<br>
i need to<br>
how do you<br>
im sorry im so sorry i<br>
th<br>
i cANT EVER<br>
FRIENDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE<br>
ITS ALWAYS EITHER NOTHING HAPPENS<br>
OR I PUSH TOO HARD AND SHATTER EVERY CHANCE EVER<br>
th<br>
im sorry im<br>
its not<br>
the<br>
im scared<br>
im scared im just an asshole who just<br>
god im sorry<br>
i just<br>
i just<br>
wanted<br>
to be<br>
included<br>
i just<br>
i know youll probably never read this<br>
but<br>
but the truth is<br>
i really find your work inspiring<br>
and like all the converging story stuff<br>
and i wanted to do that stuff too<br>
and im sorry<br>
and i know youll never read this ever<br>
you probably dont know this stupid site even exists<br>
and you probably just see me as some asswipe who<br>
cant listen to a god damn single thing<br>
and follow evven the most basic of social boundaries<br>
and maybe i am<br>
and maybe you never want to see me again<br>
but im sorry<br>
im sorry<br>
im sorryyy</p>
</details>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-16</h2>
<p>the fear of being a newbie<br>
basically if theres one thing i hate more than anything<br>
its not being able to feel proud of my work<br>
and thats the whole thing about sucking at something/<br>
doing it scared that i hate its that like i cant<br>
feel proud of it, or i feel like just like a little kid<br>
playing with their stupid legos while like the actually experienced<br>
guys go and have fun and the progress is so slow i feel like<br>
im doing it wrong but no i just have to keep making dumb stupid<br>
stuff and it feels terrible and<br>
especially with all the people who've been doing this stuff for<br>
like years like i know that normal (not insane) people look at<br>
that and are all "oh man theyve been doing it for so long<br>
of course theyre better and there was a time that they sucked<br>
too" and get motivated and stuff i wish i could be like that<br>
for me its more "oh man theyve been doing this 10 years<br>
that- i dont even know if i'll still be doing this in 10<br>
years and what if i never get that good and oh god how will i<br>
ever be able to compete with that even if i do keep at it for<br>
10 years then theyll have done it for 20!!!! and like i just<br>
wish i could like be ,more, like i didnt worry about it like<br>
a normal person like i could just go make stuff and not worry<br>
about how bad it is and feel panicked and beg people for help<br>
and make them hate me over and over and over and i could just<br>
write, or like draw, or whatever<br>
the only field that this doesnt apply to is like coding bc<br>
i have beein doing it for 10 years and stuff but like<br>
<br>
i wish i could take as much pride in my own stuff as i do in theirs<br>
but like not in a stealing way</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-14</h2>
<p>doing it scared why cant i do it scared<br>
whyyyyyyyyy<br>
and the planning is just making me more stressed<br>
why is my brain like this help<br>
how do i just go<br>
i cant im just being cringy im just<br>
this whole thing will be a disaster</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-13</h2>
<p>creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)<br>
i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this<br>
I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.<br>
like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox<br>
games and a little bit webdevelopment?<br>
like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and<br>
some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make<br>
something i actually connect with in these and seeing how<br>
effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating<br>
and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats<br>
same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel<br>
like i have to make something of value but cant<br>
i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant<br>
do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-12</h2>
<p>Did you know that often, "deleting" something<br>
on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does<br>
is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer<br>
"hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite<br>
from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously<br>
why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten<br>
with data anyways?<br>
i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...<br>
like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..<br>
or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become<br>
more repressed and stuff...like me...<br>
theres something there, ok?
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-11</h2>
<p>Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused<br>
this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my<br>
watches date display turned into a table<br>
(the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)<br>
anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting<br>
to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from<br>
Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its<br>
such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
<p>art as the reflection of yourself<br>
yes i know thats a generic title but idk<br>
i really want to express myself here<br>
thoughts are hard to make clear<br>
i feel like this site really isnt me<br>
idk how to express it more</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-10</h2>
<p>inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why<br>
people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff<br>
not being able to see everything is frustrating though<br>
i want people to like my site<br>
whats the point of putting time into something but<br>
actively roadblocking people from seeing it??<br>
i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession<br>
with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it<br>
<br>
and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-09</h2>
<p>I'm finally commiting to things!<br>
I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"<br>
challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel<br>
more willing to work on the website some</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
<p>i feel like every single problem i've ever<br>
had in the creative space can be boiled down<br>
into this image:<br>
<img src="/personal/gomap.png"></img><br>
like, if i could just shut the frick up and<br>
"do it scared" i could get something done but<br>
i just have to try and force someone "successful"<br>
to help when i feel like im failing and<br>
it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and<br>
ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again<br>
<br>
for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling<br>
into the trap of making the same kind of character, or<br>
like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)<br>
i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I<br>
<br>
im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to<br>
be more vulnerable here and this is how i am</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-07</h2>
<p>its really cool seeing such a wide range of<br>
states that people visit from, even if i never<br>
get to talk to them just seeing that is cool</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-11-04</h2>
<p>back here again, i guess<br>
being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh<br>
i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates<br>
me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time<br>
scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again<br>
or people would forget me<br>
id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly<br>
i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and<br>
deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining<br>
and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally<br>
just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read<br>
about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went<br>
online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500<br>
entries" i dont know what to do<br>
sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything<br>
happens here</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-09-30</h2>
<p>Wow, a whole month before I tore down the<br>
journal page again!! cool, huh??<br>
now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"<br>
i left the last article so i have something<br>
to reference to copy this properly<br>
these journals keep getting either<br>
too negative or fall into disuse because<br>
my life is incredibly boring besides like<br>
talking about what i did online which would<br>
make me sound like a really sad person and stuff<br>
also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again<br>
i really wish i could either be normal and not<br>
obsess over real disorders people actually deal with<br>
(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel<br>
justified in being so interested and like be able to<br>
interact with the community better and stuff and also in general<br>
not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again<br>
would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it</p>
</article>
<article>
<h2>2024-09-26</h2>
<p>hey, im back its been a while<br>
still dealing with stuff and college<br>
idk how im feeling really</p>
</article>
<h2>[EXPUNGED]</h2>