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emma 2025-03-22 20:12:53 -04:00
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Date: 2025-03-22 20:00
Location: /adjusting-to-happiness
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# adjusting to happiness
often as i've been feeling better recently. i've noticed that when i feel genuinely happy, i cry. i could not really figure out why this was happening. it was not out of sadness, but i could tell it was emotional. tonight it happened again, and i feel i know why now. i've been in the mental health system since i was 16, i'm 34 now. i've clawed my way up from the bottom many times, each time with help. i've known equal parts happiness and absolute despair many times throughout this. so i'm here at happiness again, everything is okay. but i get emotional when i realize that
there are so many times i almost didn't make it. so many reasons i shouldn't be here write now, writing this. but i made it, and i'm here. i'm not surprised when i think about this. i'm rather stubborn, i don't like giving up. while in the context of a relationship this caused me a lot of heartache and grief. it probably saved my life more than a few times
i think about random people, no one in particular, that aren't here right now. it hurts to know so many people have felt what i have and didn't get to see happiness again. i have to ask you if you are in a very dark place right now, please ask for help, please talk to someone. it doesn't have to be forever. i know happiness again, you can too
ultimately i am happy, but i think it will take time to get used to happy as a concept. i think it will take time before i no longer become emotional in moments of happiness. i have not known happiness for a long time, but i was very determined to know it again one day. the world, my country, all of these things may be very uncertain right now. i focus on my little part of it most days, and my little part is happy again. that's enough for me right now. i need to learn how to hold onto this, cherish it, live in it. when i'm ready i want to help outside of my little corner. but i know how important it is to work on myself for right now
i want to thank teenage me, 20 something me, and me as of a few months ago for not giving up, even when it was incredibly dark. even when i considered giving up. i'm grateful for the people in my life who helped me along the way so many times, even when i was unable to help myself. i'm happy to know friendship, and kindness from strangers again. to not feel like i, and this world are hopeless again