2.4 KiB
| Date |
|---|
| 2024-12-09 20:48 |
handle with care
emotions have always been tough for me. i was one who was never good at expressing the things i was feeling. emotions are scary for me sometimes too. they are quite overwhelming, and can lead to panic attacks. therapy in the past has helped me get better at expressing how i am feeling. in this depressive state i've found myself in. emotions are hard again. my mind feels like an abandoned minefield, and i must slowly work my way through and carefully defuse everything. the smallest moments, inconsequential in any way, bombard my head with thoughts of it being my fault, of being a burden, of being unhelpful
there's a want to turn the emotion faucet off sometimes, to just be numb to it all. but deep down inside i know that is not how i get better. pushing this all down deep inside me doesn't fix anything. if i have to ugly cry every so often, that's called grieving honey, it is part of being human and going through tough experiences. but i worry sometimes, my emotions in such a fragile state include emotions like frustration, anger. small conversations between my mom and i lead to emotional breakdowns on my part, and confusion and worry on her's. this isn't fair to her, but i don't know what else to do for now beside keep going to therapy. i have an appointment next week with the psychiatrist, and i'm hoping there is possibly a medication adjustment we can make. the feeling i have through all of this constantly is that i need so much help, from every corner. i cannot do this one alone, it is bigger than me. i wish to keep going, and see myself get better. but this requires help from everyone i care so deeply about, even if it is just a passing hello or how are you today. it all adds up, little amounts and big amounts of support in all shapes and forms get me through most days. it can be enough to get me out of bed and somewhat try to get through the day
the holidays are coming up, a notoriously tough time for those with mental illness. i don't have much to be festive about. i am happy i'm still here, and that i have a roof over my head. it could always be so much worse. it is not wrong to want to work towards it getting better though. i know this all takes time, it takes care and love and these very human things we all want sometimes. i just wish it could go a little faster, and i could cry a little less sometimes
later gator