3.6 KiB
| Date | Location |
|---|---|
| 2025-01-28 22:33 | /progress |
odds and ends
therapy has been tough recently. getting better is not an easy task. but it has become tough because i am for the first time approaching topics i've never spoken with a therapist about before. it is easy to spill thoughts onto this blog about having limits, about being diagnosed with ADHD, about loving who i am. it is another thing entirely to stare a human being in the face as you grapple with the idea that for 33 years you were told to push yourself and that you can do anything. then all of a sudden you've found yourself surrounded by loving people, that understand your struggles so deeply. they want to support you and help you in the ways they best can. i'm just a bit dumbfounded by that, and i know why, and i hate that i know the reason why
the past few nights i've found myself rather upset. i've realized i'm upset because i've gone so long in life without this support. there has been support, but this is real this time. these are people who've lived similar paths to mine, who are saying they understand. these are people who have lived experiences like mine and are saying it is okay. why could the people in my life not do this for me? not even my own mother could tell me these things were okay. that i could slow down, that i didn't have to do everything. where were these people all of my life?
so i'm angry about something i've known for a long time i can't do anything about, the past. that great enemy always in the rear view mirror. something i thought i was long comfortable with letting go of. but that's all i can do, this has all happened already. i have to let go again. so i will
this is my year. regardless of whatever bullshit my country's government creates, whatever bullshit flags my bigot neighbors hang up. this is my year. i will not be afraid to get the help i've deserved all my life, because it will make me truly better. i will not be afraid to be who i am because i always was her. no one, not even myself, will let me feel fear anymore. i will not be dictated by "what if" i will not entertain countless, irrational possibilities created courtesy of anxiety. i refuse to be afraid
i will work with in my limits. i will take things at my pace, no one else's pace will dictate mine. i will do what i can as best as i possibly can, but it will be on my terms. i am acknowledging that i have made so much good progress over the past few months, i see it. my therapist has noted many times how well i'm moving forward. people who know me have said the same. but as this gets harder, and it will, i must move at my pace
one small celebration
for two weeks now, i have not bitten my nails. my mother gave me an unused nail care kit that she had. i have been a nail biter since i was a child. it is particularly bad when i am stressed. therapy has taught me that an approach i can take is redirection of thoughts. so what i have done for these two past weeks, is that when i have the urge to bite my nails, i care for them instead. this is the longest period of time i have gone without biting my nails. i see the redness leaving my fingers. my nails are shinier than they've ever been from the care i've been giving them. this is enough to say to me there is beauty in care, how could there not be when i'm looking at my natural nails slowly getting healthier as a result of me caring for them
so i can do the same for myself. it will be more complicated than a set of nail tools. but i will know true beauty in care and love for myself now. if so many people can see care and love in me, i think it is time i use some of that for myself. i think that's fair.
this is my year