8.2 KiB
| Date |
|---|
| 2024-12-05 20:48 |
unapologetically emma
there's no way i really see writing all of this without bouncing between thoughts here and there. it is how my mind works and how i make sense of a lot of things around me in the world. maybe i'll try to edit this before i post it, maybe i won't. maybe like a lot of the things in this post, it doesn't matter too much as long as i'm happy when i hit publish
summary of me
since knowing i was bisexual, there's always been something else there. there was something else to me, i wasn't sure what it was yet, i just knew it was there. as i grew a little bit, and had been around more folks who saw things the way i did, a lot of it started making sense. and i don't know how to say this other than just jumping right into it, i'm a woman. but, that's great and all, sure. how do i know that, does it matter? well, yes to me, a lot. when my ex called me emma out loud for the first time, i felt the love i felt for them the first time they loved me. the world was right, i was right, i was emma. when i'm addressed with she/her pronouns in communities i'm apart of, i light up, emma is happy, she is comfortable. i feel sometimes i drift in the middle of it all too, sometimes i think it is just the vibe i'm feeling i guess. kinda that pjs and hoodie kinda mood if that makes sense. so i'd certainly be fine with they/them too, this makes emma happy as well, this is accurate of how i feel sometimes, and it would be fine to use in place of she/her if someone wanted to. but there's one i'm stuck with for now, kind of by my own choice. he/him. these are words, i get that, you get that. in any profile where pronouns are available i could delete he/him from existence. but i don't, because my physical space very much requires me to be he/him, if at the very least for my safety right now. i know it is easy to say most people really don't wanna go to jail and face time for harming someone, even if they hate everything they are. that's a rational take, i appreciate your rationality. but the US especially right now doesn't feel all that rational. i hear the way my neighbors ramble on about a hurricane that affected north carolina, and i'm going to be honest, shit's off. it just is, something's not right with a lot of people and if the reaction i have to that is to be masc presenting in my current space, i think that's fine
what does it mean to be beautiful to me
there's that word, beautiful. we're going to get ahead of this here and i'm going to say, beauty is the sum of the parts of someone. it has nothing to do with gender, how they present, any of that. beauty is someone who helps you when you needed it most, beauty is someone who stands up for others who are afraid to stand up for themselves. beauty is someone kind enough to put the shopping cart in the little holder in the parking lot if i'm being honest. it is a sum of characteristics that make someone beautiful to me. so i look at these characteristics of me, who i am and want to be, and the only important thing that really matters so much to me about this. is when i think of me, of everything that defines me, of all the good and bad that come with me. i see emma, i see a woman. that's really it, i know it can be more complex or probably even less. but this is what it is for me
expression is everything
i feel trapped in a box i wasn't made for, in a lot of ways. in life i worked full time until i mentally fell apart and had to have a doctor say i can no longer work full time for my own well being. so there goes the american dream, not like it was here any way. i have a visual disability that makes me feel like i fall between the cracks a lot in the world. glasses are normal things now, which i love. honestly i love that they can be a fashion accessory. if you wanna rock frames for your fit, do it. but where i feel lost sometimes is that yes i have glasses, they have lenses and they give me as a friend put it "anime eyes" so maybe it is apparent i can't see all that well if you know how glasses work. but a lot of times, no one really knows just how tough being able to see just a little bit is. because you can see this beautiful world around you, you know the sunset is nice, but you miss all the little details. my world is a stressed out prebuilt pc running at 720p low. sorry, the eyes thing is probably something i'll revisit in this blog a bit, there's just ... a lot with that one. but the point i'm trying to make is, over time, outside of my control and probably sometimes at my own choice, i've put myself in a container, that i want to motorcycle off a ramp and into the sunset myself out of, and never see that fucking thing again. so i sit here in my bedroom, i dream about showing my shoulders off in a cute top at the worst possible time, because the world needs to know emma has hot shoulders. the world needs to know how much emma loves her pink converse. the world needs to know that emma is beautiful, because the world desperately needs to see more beauty front and center. and i mean real beauty, like we talked about earlier, expression is the for me beauty. the characteristics of who i am and what i have to offer is the beauty i want the world to see through that expression of visual beauty
what would i look like
to be honest, i love that there's not much stopping me from looking how i really want to when the time is right. things cost money, so that's the main obstacle. but i know where the safe areas to be myself are in my area, some of them aren't bad rent wise. i don't hold this as a certainty but i really hope to find myself in one of these safe places, even a little studio apartment would be enough. because that's the spark, once i'm there i can be anything. that anything is emma, that's who i'll be. sometime ago i noticed in the 32bit cafe, members occasionally used something called picrew to create profile pictures. over time i started to realize this could be a little toybox for me, to start figuring out what emma looks like when i reach that point. i created an account a few weeks ago and stopped. i was scared to make something. when i first came out in online communities as a woman, this was a breath of fresh air. but it was also a double edged sword, i found myself frustrated at times that the love, support and acceptance that was all around me, was absent in all ways in my physical space. where are all these loving kind people, they must exist. why the fuck am i stuck in a town who's mascot is a rusted out lifted dodge ram with political propaganda all over it? who thought that was the funniest joke ever? not me, i'm not laughing. but i started thinking after a bit, i eventually came out to my mom about all of this. my mom, is my superhero i will be honest. she's loved me through everything. when i came out as bi it was nothing but support and happiness. and it was the same this time too. in our discussion she expressed that at the very least, i should understand the house i occupy is safe to express myself in. that's a start! that's enough for now too i think, i think i can live with that. there's some obstacles to get through before i can start doing it, but when i'm ready, i can! what wonderful news! so back to picrew. understanding now that i had a space to express myself, i started to wonder about what i wanted to look like. picrew is very cool i have to say, and it was a super useful tool for me in this process. i'll share the picture cause honestly i love this to death
(character creator by Sangled on picrew)
that's emma, 100% that's her. and so i know where i want to go with how i want to present myself now, because of a little image maker, i see myself so much more clearly so all of this, in a whole, is emma. the good, the bad. the mad, the sad. all of it, is unapologetically me. the state of my mental health due to some events in my life mean that i wouldn't say i love myself right now, i wouldn't say i'm beautiful. but i'm getting help, i'm working through this, i will persist. time and honest talks fix a lot of stuff. it has helped me before, i don't see why it can't help again. i think i ran out of things to type about, so we can call it here
stay beautiful