29 lines
3.1 KiB
Markdown
29 lines
3.1 KiB
Markdown
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Date: 2025-02-07 23:53
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Location: /doing-okay
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---
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# what i've been up to
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these past couple of weeks have been interesting for me. overall things are good right now. i am still navigating my mental health. there is much to learn about what being a woman means to me. but i feel good saying that things are okay right now. they aren't great, but i'm not hopeless, or lost. let me catch you up
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### letting go, genuinely this time
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after my last therapy appointment. i had been confronted with my past yet again. that no one had ever stood up for me and spoke out when i couldn't. that maybe the way i was trying to work and live my life wasn't made for people like me. i was confronted with unhappiness regarding my previous relationship. a recurring thought being that i wish the years 2019-2024 didn't exist in my head.
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quite simply, it was time to let these things go now. in an odd way, music once again proved to me how healing it was. i had gone through a binge of the shoegaze band Ride, and listened to a few of their albums on youtube. i have not listened to this music since before my relationship. i deeply remembered what it was like to love myself and be confident in myself. i felt those feelings again. to know those feelings again means they are not gone. they will come back
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### motivation, out of stock
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my motivation has been in short supply. i've been heavily focused on self-care the past few weeks but i'm finding i'm not wanting to work on things i enjoy, like my website projects. i'm not sure how to solve this yet. i try to chip away at a project a little each day. if i can make 2 or 3 git commits on something each day, that seems to be good enough right now. so i think i'll keep going about it this way until i'm in a better place. i think it is fair to say i'm still depressed, and motivation is often hard to find in this state
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### just for me
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speaking of self-care. despite being depressed and low on motivation. i've been putting a big effort into looking after myself. i started a journal, a special place that is just for me. it is really a nice way to write things that are meant just for you. blogging has always meant a lot to me since i started. but i greatly enjoy having picked up journaling. it is s special place for me, that allows me to explore my thoughts and celebrate things that are just for me
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### decaf emma
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at the beginning of the week, i cut out all of my coffee intake. the amount of coffee i was drinking was simply unhealthy. the first few days were rough, and they played with my mental health as much as the caffeine habit i was trying to escape did. but having gotten through what i think is the worst of it. i have been gifted with a truly calm mind. my head is actually quiet sometimes, a gift i could never give back for coffee. i have started to know inner peace these past few days. it is odd to feel it in a time like this, but i think i know a version of it now. at least one i've been in search of for a long time
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things will be very up and down, i have no doubt. but what i see here is me still trying, still persisting, saying i will not quit until i am better. i'm happy to see that in myself now |